* won't you help a brother out, [josh]

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell was trying to keep her hands away from her mouth, almost lapsing into the nervous habit of biting her thumbnail. She was sure Dr. Warren would be able to read into that, unveil her nervousness. She didn’t want to look like he was affecting her, but he always did. He had a talent for that, and she figured that it was a psychologist thing. ”How much do you know about your mother’s childhood?” he asked, and she noticed then how strangely soft his voice was naturally. She closed her eyes, but then opened them as quickly as possible to save face. ”Too much,” she replied. Was he expecting her to tell him about the things that Mia had gone through. She was sure he was interested, her deceased mother was nothing more than a subject of study. He most likely wanted to see what had contributed to her psychotic break, wanted to dissect a corpse. And strangely, Nell wanted to protect the woman. Maybe it was the fact that it had been her fault that she’d died, or maybe it was the fact that Mia had suffered too much, and she just wanted some peace for her mother in death. Even after everything that Mia had done, all Nell hoped for was that she wasn’t suffering anymore like she had her entire life.

It seemed that Dr. Warren grew tired of expecting something that wouldn’t come and moved on. ”How about your father?” She laughed a bit, the sound bitter as she pulled herself up from the back of the couch. ”Does his childhood matter?” Nell asked, really wondering what that had to do with anything. The doctor gazed at her for a long moment, clicking his pen cap. The sound didn’t bother her—nothing really did, even when she was sitting here. ”It could help in explaining his abandonment.” When he said things like that, it only reminded the girl that he knew more than she would have liked him to. ”Not everything has to have roots in someone’s childhood,” she said with a shrug. It just seemed to be common with her, only to be expected from her childhood. Her father’s history was much different than Mia’s and Nell’s had been. He hadn’t been abused by his parents, more or less neglected, and he was basically a spoiled rich kid. She didn’t deny that he had issues with his parents—she wondered who didn’t? However, his abandonment of his family was simply because of him, not anything his family may have done.

She just wished that Dr. Warren would stop there, deterred by her limited responses. The reason she suffered through these sessions was because she believed it the right thing to do. It was what society expected of her, what her father expected of her. You go through a murder trial after taking your mother’s life? Talk it out with a stranger whose paid on the hour. She was beginning to realize that she didn’t believe in all this, that it wasn’t working for her. It was like Dr. Warren was slowly chipping away her armor with each question, and she felt unsafe, unprotected when around him. It shouldn’t be that way, should it? ”How many problems of yours do you think are rooted in your past?” It was gratingly annoying how he’d take a statement of hers and run with it, because she felt as if she were only encouraging him by speaking. ”None,” she replied dryly, her face still serene. Nell felt a bit exasperated, but it was really hard to rile her up. And she didn’t let it show. I don’t have to do this anymore. She wasn’t being forced into therapy after all. She had a choice. She needed to come to that realization now—her life was her own. It didn’t belong to Mia. The woman no longer controlled her, and she’d be damned if she let anyone do the same thing.

After a bit of silence that the doctor allowed, she folded her hands in her lap and ran her tongue over her lip. ”I think this will be my last session with you,” she said, her voice polite and smile wan. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings—even though it would be his wallet hurting—so she nudged the tin on the table in front of her toward him. ”I made you cookies as a parting gift.” Even though he was causing her so much internal trouble, she didn’t hate him as a person. Especially when he tilted his head and returned her smile, seeming content with her decision. Like he understood. No, she couldn’t really hate him, or anyone else for that matter. ”How about you eat them with me then. No questions, I promise.” Nell hesitated before leaning forward and grabbing a cookie out of the tin. It was definitely the questions that made her dislike this man, because otherwise, he was just a human being like her. He had his own issues. Hell, even he might be in therapy. The thought amused her.

When she left the building that day, she felt like she was freed of something. She didn’t know whether the therapy had helped or hindered her, but she could now admit to herself that there was something wrong that she was slowly on her way to fixing. She didn’t know exactly everything that she needed to address, because it seemed her psyche was like a shattered glass that she was trying to glue back together. Nell felt better as she droev back to her new apartment building, away from downtown. The attack had certainly spurred her to the decision to move to a better part of town. And she had enough money where she felt comfortable in doing so. The building certainly wasn’t as big, having only four floors, and she mourned the lack of people, but embraced the supply of everything else the crapsack apartment she had before couldn’t provide. She got her mail before heading up the stairs to the second floor, another upgrade from her downtown apartment. Nell shut the door with her hip as she sifted through bills and letters and junk mail, before looking up and smiling at Josh. ”Hola, Josh, she greeted him, waving her fingers. ”How was your day?” She’d spent half of hers in therapy, of course, though before then she had actually gotten up earlier than usual. Which she meant got up in the morning. I fed Pablo right? she thought as the cat rubbed against her legs. She was pretty sure she was able to feed him breakfast that morning.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

The clinic was impressive in size and cleanliness, something that was only to be expected for a place that catered to rich clientele. Joshua approached the receptionist and gave her a light smile. The woman had worked here for several years and so she'd gotten to know most of those that came in regularly as well as she knew her coworkers. "Hello, Joshua," she said amiably as she returned the gesture, her blue eyes meeting his. She shifted so that she was giving him her full attention. "What can I do for you today?" He figured that she already knew why he was here but as he was fond of her, he didn't make a sarcastic remark. He was quite capable of being nice. "Hi Rebecca," he said, addressing her by her first name rather than the one on the silver plaque that introduced her as 'R. Whitfield'. "I'm here for my appointment. Is Dr. Bancroft in?" He was early, having misjudged how much traffic there was going to be and made better time than expected, but it was only by a few minutes. "He'll be expecting you," she said, waving her hand in the direction of the offices. He thanked her and went in, spotting the red-haired doctor putting something away in one of the cupboards. Not wanting to startle him too much, he cleared his throat softly to announce his presence.

Lawrence Bancroft, Les to those that knew him well, was a long-time friend of the Dale family. So, naturally, when he set up his own offices in the city it hadn't taken much persuading on his part to convince them to entrusting their care into his hands. Josh shook his hand when the man held it out, something that he did nearly every time the Fire graduate dropped in. He was used to these routine things now and felt relaxed in the presence of the older man. It was much easier for him to discuss all things concerning his health with someone that he trusted. Dr. Bancroft had been treating him since he was around six years old and so the man was familiar with his medical history and, unfortunately, his paranoia around needles. "How are you feeling?" Josh's lips twitched a little as he sat down, shrugging as if he was completely fine. Though fond of the man, he hated the fact that Lawrence would guess he was lying as he replied, "Oh, I'm great. Yourself?" The subtle attempt to divert attention away from himself was not received as he'd hoped. "Wonderful, thank you. Are you nervous?"

Joshua didn't meet his gaze as he responded, "Nah, not really." He was comfortable with lying to (most) people and didn't have issues with morality on that front but the fact that Lawrence knew he was lying threw him off balance a little. The man never got irritated when Josh evaded his questions, however—the fact that they could almost be considered friends outside of professional standpoint attributed to this. "Donovan usually handles things like this with you, doesn't he?" One thing that he did not like—and this was with all people—was when anyone asked him questions they already knew the answers to. His gray gaze was a little hard as he fixed it back on the other man, frowning subtle. "I suppose he told you that?" What happened to patient confidentiality? Of course, he wasn't a patient of his father. That generally was not recommended and in some cases not even allowed. Lawrence was, nevertheless, correct. "Yeah." He was here for a routine vaccination that would be nothing to your average person but was a dreaded date on any calendar of Josh's. He'd never liked needles much and as his doctor suggested, he usually let Donovan handle such sensitive matters. His father hadn't answered the phone when Josh had called and so he'd been forced to schedule it with his family doctor instead.

"Is there anything that would make it better for you? Easier?" Joshua had to shake his head at this point. "I'd prefer to just get it over with, to be honest." He was nervous but not to the extremes that he would have been some time ago. "I've gotten better with it." They exchanged brief small talk and then Dr. Bancroft readied the actual injection. Joshua took it better than he'd expected—other than clenching his hand a little and gritting his teeth with discomfort, he had no extreme reaction. He still felt the wave of paranoid nausea, swore he could feel the damn thing sliding into his arm, but then it was over with and he could release the breath he'd unknowingly been holding in. "I'm impressed," said Lawrence in surprise. "Your father... ah, he suggested that it was a phobia of a more severe sort." Josh didn't immediately reply, feeling a little frustrated with his father. Some might have suggested that his father was just looking out for him but he hated anyone being aware of such intimate things. Oh, Dr. Bancroft had known for years—they'd needed some explanation for why Josh never recieved any sort of shots in the office—but he'd never been privy to how bad it was. "Maybe when I was about six or seven, yes," Josh said a little icily.

Sensing that he'd trodden on some toes with the remark, Dr. Bancroft raised his hands slightly. "I didn't mean to cause offence," he insisted. "Now, I'd like for you to stick around for the next ten minutes or so, just to make sure that you don't have any sort of negative side-effects." Though familiar with this common procedure, the idea of being forced to wait around for ten minutes frustrated and exasperated him. "I'll be fine," he said. "And if I'm not, I'll give you a call." It was a blatant lie. It would be his father who recieved a call if anything went wrong. He might have liked Lawrence but his phobias were sensitive. Despite his insistence, Dr. Bancroft would not let him leave until the minutes had passed. Irked, he busied himself by reading a copy of Macleans that was sitting on an end table in the waiting room. Once his doctor was satisfied he wasn't going to faint or start vomiting he was released and allowed to drive back to the new apartment his girlfriend had secured a short time ago. Joshua found that he enjoyed the new apartment quite a lot, happy for Nell in that she'd recieved a step up. She deserves some good things in her life.

Knowing Nell was out, Joshua sat down on the couch with his laptop and pulled up the word document for his History essay, wanting to finish off the rough draft by the end of the night so that he could have it edited and handed in as soon as possible. Though they'd been given plenty of time for someone on a single major, due dates always made him strive to turn things in earlier. He had two majors to deal with and never felt comfortable cutting things too close. He glanced up when he heard the door open and then quickly saved before closing the computer and setting it down on the table, going to meet her. "Salut, Nell," he replied, using French in a joking manner to counterbalance her Spanish. Though it had not been his first language and he certainly didn't resort to it when shocked or excited like she did, he did know the language rather well. "It was alright, I had a doctor's appointment. Nothing serious, don't worry, just routine things. Where were you?" The fact that he even told her where he'd been signified a sense of trust. He didn't usually discuss his business with other people.

[Gah I wish I could have given you more but I couldn't think of anything—sorry for the length, as usual, just ignore it~]

[NELL DOE DALE]

When Josh greeted her, Nell kissed him and said matter-of-factly, ”Now I would ask ¿Cómo estás?, but then you’d respond in French, and I don’t think I’m ready for that.” She smiled before she walked through the living room to the kitchen and tossed the mail on the counter before pulling out a bottle of soda. When she headed back up, she had the urge to take off her shoes and slide across the hardwood floor, which she had admittedly done many times before. The girl was just happy that instead of ugly beige carpet, she could walk on fancy hardwood floor. Well, she found it fancy. She never had hardwood floor before…real hardwood floor. Her ‘townhouse’ in the Bronx had dark, unpolished faux-wood flooring with holes to make it look like it was real wood. It gave the effect that their home had been struck by meteors. This apartment was certainly better than any other place she’d lived in. Even though her childhood home had two bedrooms, and this only had one, it had more space and was a lot…brighter than her old homes. The brightness was thanks to the two windows in the kitchen. She had a lot of space to work with, considering that the furniture she’d brought from her old apartment could only fill up so much space.

Of course, Nell instantly tensed when Josh informed her of having a doctor’s appointment. That’s not something she really liked to hear, even though she kept her expression placid and unfazed. Doctor’s appointments meant sickness and she didn’t like sickness. However, he told her it was a well visit, however, so she chuckled and said, ”Sounds like fun.” She didn’t ask what it was about, assuming it was just a check-up, unaware of the fact that he had a phobia involving needles. "Did they give you a lollipop?" Nell froze when he asked about her own whereabouts. It was only to be expected, but she couldn’t help but become aware of her inward awkwardness that she believed was also apparent to Josh. Of course, the pause was only noticeable to her as she quickly evaluated the routes she could take. She could lie and say that she’d been at work. Unfortunately, her hours weren’t as odd as they used to be at Blackjack. She never needed to take a swingshift to babysit a class of kids, after all. That would have normally been a good thing since she usually didn’t feel the immediate need to lie about her whereabouts. I’m not going back, it’s over, she thought. That would make it easier for her to admit it, right? However, admitting it would also mean admitting that half the time when she told Josh where she was going, she was lying. And that’s not something one’s supposed to do in a relationship. She liked to uphold herself on being honest, but as it turns out, she was pro at lying about some pretty significant things. If she came clean about it now, would that make it okay?

Just stop thinking about it, and tell him. Well, damn, this would be hard. She didn’t like to admit any kind of weakness or needing help from anyone, because she prided herself in being a pillar. She was beginning to find that she had too much pride. ”I was at the doctor’s too,” she began slowly, tapping her fingernails on the bottle of coke as she leaned against the arch that served as the entryway to the kitchen. Not the same kind of doctor that Josh had apparently gone to, of course, but she was still debating whether or not she should explain that to him. What would he think if he knew that she’d been going to therapy? That was a pretty big clue that there was something wrong with somebody, and she was sure that she’d kept a thick veil over her problems. She believed that the clinical depression hadn’t affected anyone around her. ”Therapy, actually,” she admitted, before taking a sip of soda, almost guilty. She paused before she confessed, ”I’ve been going for a while, but…I decided to quit. It wasn’t working for me.” She shrugged, looked down at that fancy hardwood floor. She didn’t know if it felt like a weight off her chest yet, she just focused on the fact that it was now out in the open and that was that.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

As he had been hanging around Nell for quite a while and had a habit of asking her to translate every time she reverted into Spanish, Joshua was able to understand what she was saying. He gave a bit of a grin and replied seamlessly, "Ça va bien, merci." He chuckled a little, pulling her leg as usual. Josh enjoyed messing around with Nell. It was easy to lift his spirits when he was around her and he knew that she wouldn't take it hard if he teased sometimes because she wasn't that sort of person, at least in his experience. He lounged around in the living room as he waited for Nell, quite content. He felt that the doctor's appointment had gone a lot better than he had been expecting and he certainly didn't feel dizzy or sick, so he was sure he wasn't suffering adverse effects. It was a little disconcerting to think of anyone knowing about his phobias, however—it was different with his father, the man had raised him. He was still a little flustered and embarrassed by his knee-jerk reactions to such things and Donovan would occasionally give him strange looks if he started to panic but it was better than this happening in front of a mere friend of the family. He was alright with Dr. Bancroft when it came to regular testing and minor things like that but injections were his weak spot. "Better watch," he jested, "or we'll need to walk around with a translator in a few years time, narrating what we say in English so that we don't confuse one another."

Though he was only joking, Joshua realised after a moment what he'd just implied and his lips twitched momentarily into a smile. In a couple of years. That sounded nice to him, especially since he'd always been paranoid about the future before the trial. As there'd been a few months now for it to all sink in, Josh was getting more confident about said future. He knew that he couldn't accurately predict any fights or complications that might crop up down the road but to at least acknowledge they had a chance was always a good thing. He kept this small revelation to himself, though he did wonder if Nell ever thought about that sometimes. "Ha, I wish." Joshua was rather unashamed when it came to free candy—if the man had been offering, there was a very slim chance that he'd refuse. He thought about that for a moment and rolled his eyes in a good-natured way. "Damn it, Nell, now I want some. We don't have any, do we?" Absolutely shameless. He sometimes lamented his secret stash in the mansion. Annabel had probably found and raided it shortly after his absence. Or perhaps not. Would she have respected his privacy? That brought about a weird thought—did his parents ever go through his stuff in his absence? He had nothing to hide but it was still a strange thought. He liked his privacy, thank you very much. "Oh?" he replied, surprised. What had she been at the doctor's for? He knew that she was generally stubborn when it came to illness considering she 'didn't get sick' and so he wondered if it was anything severe.

Then she mentioned therapy, completely shifting his thought process. Joshua blinked as he realised what this meant—she was just quitting now. How long had it been going on? He remembered the Prozac and the depression, how she'd lied about that. Her eating habits, too, though that had likely been a result of the latter. In a way he understood that she had her right to privacy and that she probably just didn't want to bother him with things like that, but it did ruffle his feathers a bit when he realised this meant she'd been lying to him more than he realised. "Ah," he said, expression and tone unreadable. He was conflicted in what he was feeling—a part of him was happy for her in that she didn't think she needed therapy any more and the other part was wishing she'd just told him about it in the first place. Still, it was a trivial thing. "What wasn't working out about it?" he wondered. "I mean, if you're okay with my asking." He was both establishing a boundary and a safe zone and perhaps making a subtle shot at the fact that she'd never really answered honestly about it before. He wasn't bitter, he just couldn't help himself sometimes. "Are you doing okay?" This was asked without any ulterior motives, subtle or otherwise. He really did hope that she was alright, after all.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell smirked when she realized she could understand most of the sentence. Bien is the same in both languages, sucker. And she wasn’t completely ignorant of the basics of the language. She’d memorized the words from arias before while never understanding them, but with Josh’s help, she could now make connections. ”Eso es bueno para escuchar. Yo estoy bien conmigo misma. ¿Qué pasa con esteclima?” she said, snapping her fingers. ”Context clues. I’m catching on, vato.” She felt rather smug, though she played it up for joking’s sake. Good thing she had a good poker face. When Josh spoke, she didn’t take any real notice of the time he mentioned, because she wasn’t all that comfortable with the future. She had just settled into the idea that she had a present, one in which she’d be free. The future was another big step that she wasn’t ready to take. ”I don’t think so,” she replied, wagging her finger. ”I’ll die before I become like mis abuelos. I mean, my grandparents.” She’d acted as a translator for the doctor before, even though in reluctant defense of the seniors, most doctors and nurses tended to be bi or multi-lingual. Still, even though she may use Spanglish, she didn’t like to lapse into full conversation with the language with someone who wasn’t fluent in it.

Nell was not oblivious to Josh’s sugar tooth—even though she had been for quite a while—which is why she even asked. Well, aside from busting his balls. Her shoulders shook with laughter as she tilted her head. ”You’re in luck,” she told him, pointing to the kitchen. ”Check the cabinet next to the sink, I think I’ve got a bag in there for the kids.” She was glad to finally have a context to give candy to children and not have it considered creepy. As with everything, she had the best of intentions, but concerned parents didn’t understand that. It was one of the only things about parents that she understood from personal experience—she had quite the extreme lesson in stranger danger. Barring one about not taking candy from strangers. It actually confused her when she thought about Halloween. Parents let children go around houses to do just that. She tried not to worry too much about that, and just enjoyed spoiling kids. Of course, she wouldn’t give them too much candy. No need to have their parents down her throat about their children bouncing off the walls when they get back home. ”I feel its necessary to warn you not to eat it all, or you’ll be going to the dentist next,” she said like a scolding mother. Maybe she was spending too much time around kids nowadays. She didn’t consider it a bad thing at all.

Nell tried to gauge her boyfriend’s reaction, but deciding that she couldn’t, she scratched the back of her head, somewhat uncomfrotable. Admitting a weakness was never easy, especially when she’d pretty much deceived Josh about everything going on with her since the trial. He asked her what wasn’t working out, and his finishing statement made her hesitate. She licked her lips before saying, ”Too many personal questions from a stranger. I don’t know, I got sick of it.” Nell shrugged. ”I think I was just doing it for the wrong reasons.” She was doing it because she believed it was the right thing to do. It was what people kept telling her. You need to talk to a professional. But in reality it wasn’t for her. Nell did believe that she had gotten better, but maybe it was just learning to cope and restitching her wounds, maybe it was growing accustomed to her life after it had been on the line like that. It was forboding in some ways, realizing that you had an entire future and so much time and freedom after spending your life in constant fear. ”Yeah, I mean…” She was about to say that she was doing better but remembered that Josh didn’t know. ”Yeah. I’ll be fine.” She was still mulling over whether or not she should apologize to her boyfriend, wondering if she wanted to make herself seem even worse to him for lying about it. Because apologizing would mean she did something wrong, and nobody liked that. ”I’m sorry for not telling you Josh, I just didn’t want to worry you.” She would still need to see a doctor about when it would be right for her to ween off the Prozac, whether or not she was ready for it. Nell felt she was ready. In actuality, she just hated taking drugs.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua's eyes lit up when she mentioned the candy, immediately heading to the kitchen when she indicated it. He was not one to hesitate when it came to sweets and he already had his hand in the bag when she mentioned the dentist. "Speaking of the children," he said as he came up from behind her, wrapping his arms around her and brushing his lips against the top of her hair, "I think you're spending a bit too much time around them." He was only joking, of course, knowing that she was. He chuckled and leaned against one of the counters, tossing the wrapper for the lollipop into the bin and sticking it into his mouth. He was rather partial to the grape flavoured ones but the random one that he'd selected had turned out to be yellow. Not that he minded, really. He would eat almost anything sweet with no limitations. The only thing that Josh restricted in terms of his diet was meat products and their consumption. He liked all types of candy and other things. "I have to say you'd make a much better doctor than Lawrence. Imagine not offering candy. The nerve of that man." Now that he thought about it, he didn't think he'd ever told Nell anything about Lawrence Bancroft or his relationship with Josh and the Dale family. There was a lot that Nell did not know about him—it was hardly ever intentional, it just so happened that they didn't sit down and have long conversations with the purpose of filling one another in. After all, that would take a while.

He frowned thoughtfully when she said that she'd been going for 'the wrong reasons'. Had it been because of her depression after all, then? It didn't seem like that was a wrong reason to be seeking out help and so he found himself a little confused. Then again, you wouldn't get help if your life depended on it. His thought process was less snarky than usual and carried fact along with it. He hated the idea of sucking up his pride and asking anyone for assistance and so even if he needed it, he'd only go if he was forced to. There was also the fact that no one could really force Nell, though. She hadn't been court-ordered into therapy from his knowledge. He'd watched the proceedings and was pretty sure he'd gotten the gist of things amongst all the legal terms and such. "Wrong reasons? Like what?" He had been asking her a lot more questions than he was sure either of them were used to, lately. He wanted to bridge that awkward gap he felt whenever it came to asking Nell about anything and he also wanted to open the possibility up for her, as well. He wasn't going to sit her down and force an entire Q&A about her life, he just wanted to be sure that the occasional question was alright. Slowly he was becoming more comfortable with this. Even if I do ask, she can always say no. He took comfort in that.

Josh considered her apology very seriously, not immediately giving a reply. Was it genuine? He'd never really known Nell to be insincere about things but there was also the fact that she'd lied about everything else, too. He was not angry with her or even all that bitter, he just wondered why she hadn't trusted him to understand. Trust was a big thing with him. "It's not just that," he said, shaking his head. "There's nothing much to forgive, of course I don't hold it against you. I just..." He trailed off for a moment, not really sure how to get his point across without causing more problems than it was worth. He really didn't want a fight or even a civil disagreement between them. He didn't like fighting with Nell, especially because most of their less friendly conversations were about serious things—like the cheating that had never occurred, for example. He was over that now and bringing it to mind caused only the slightest hint of distaste. He didn't lie. If he promised to forgive, he would. This was no different, but Josh was also a bit too honest about his opinions sometimes. "If you didn't want to worry me," he said slowly, "then why not be up front about it in the first place? Did you think I wouldn't understand?" It stung to think that Nell might think this way but he did want to give her a fair chance to explain. It was her right to keep things from him, it just created a sort of dishonesty between them that made him uncomfortable. "How do you think I felt, then, when I found out about the depression? About the medication you were taking for it?" He arched his brows at her, not smiling. He was not angry but couldn't help what he was feeling. "It worried me alright, but what worried me even more is that you never mentioned it. I wondered why."

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell rolled her eyes when Josh embraced her from behind, and said, ”Occupational hazard. I’ll try to shorten my hours.” She couldn’t help but abandon her previous stoic speech to add humor in her tone at the end. There was no way she would ‘shorten her hours’ even if such was possible—she loved the kids. He commented on the possibility of her becoming a doctor, and at first her answer was simply joking. “Why yes, I was considering becoming a physician just to one-up the other doctors who withhold lollipops from their patients.” Then she realized that she didn’t know who the man he mentioned was and said, ”I’m assuming Lawrence is your doctor.” She didn’t know whether or not Donovan was allowed to be Josh’s physician, the “I can’t operate on this boy, he’s my son,” riddle coming to mind. Nell lamented the loss of easy conversation, however, when Josh questioned her about therapy. She scrunched her lips together. Nell wasn’t an animal, she wouldn’t shy away from questions like a timid deer. But she always hesitated before answering questions about herself. It was just natural. ”I just felt like it was what society expected me to do. My father was telling me I should do it, people apparently like talking to strangers about their problems, so I figured…” She shrugged. ”But I ended up shelling out money for sessions in which I would never talk and come out hating myself even more afterward. It wasn’t worth it.” It had been more or less a waste of time. Or maybe not. Maybe because Dr. Warren sprinkled salt into her wounds that she was feeling like she was getting better. Perhaps that’s what therapists did—rip open wounds and charge you two-hundred bucks for it.

She was still carefully studying Josh, not sure if she was comforted by the fact that he forgae her—or, according to him, that there wasn’t much to forgive—because it was now hovering between the two that any day when she said that she was going to meet friends or go shopping, that she may have been going to therapy. Nell sighed, shook her head in a minute gesture. Did it bother him? You lied to him, sure it did. ”It’s not because I thought you wouldn’t understand,” she said. That was far from the reason. Maybe that would have been the right thing to do? It was a bit too late for that, though. “I just wanted to handle things on my own.” She hid because that was her solution for keeping people from becoming aware of anything wrong with her. She both wanted Josh not to worry about her and also wanted to preserve her own dignity. Therapy brought to mind the words ‘issues’ and ‘problems’ and she had pride enough that she didn’t like her weaknesses to be out in the open for everyone to see. Of course, when she thought of the fact that being in a relationship meant sharing her life with her boyfriend, she felt guilty. In her mind, she had done it for him. No matter what, she still was against burdening him, because she realized that he’d already put him through hell with the trial and him getting kicked out and she felt like a parasite half the time.

Whereas she’d been looking away from him before to hide her guilt, she slowly lifted her head to stare wide-eyed. The words had sent a chill up her spine and had frozen her to the spot, as if she’d been caught stealing from the cookie jar. ”How did you find out?” Admittedly, hiding her Prozac under the sink hadn’t been the best place, but she believed that Josh wouldn’t have any reason to check there. She felt violated, him knowing something about her that she didn’t tell him herself. This was her boyfriend and it shouldn’t have made her as uncomfortable as it did, but facing the fact that her past and her life was barely private anymore, anyone knowing something about her was frightening. “If you wondered, why didn’t you just ask me?” her tone wasn’t biting, simply curious. ”I would have told you if you did.” In the end, her efforts had been counter-productive. She didn’t want to blame him for any of it, but it became glaringly obvious that if there had been a bit more communication between the two, this problem could have been avoided. She hadn’t been aiming for distrust in this relationship. She had been aiming for protection. If you were diagnosed with clinical depression, would you have told me, Josh? She wanted to ask him this, but in thinking it, she realized that she would have wanted to know. And that made her feel worse.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Josh chuckled quietly. "Yeah," he confirmed. "My father handles most things but when it's got to be official, well, he's a friend of the family, so it makes it easier." He didn't really like entrusting his health to strangers even when they were certified with a degree and all that. He'd grown used to his father understanding most of what was wrong when it occurred and he comforted himself with that fact. However, when it came to tests and things that he needed to go into an office for it usually had to be Dr. Bancroft whom he visited. It made him a bit wary now he knew that Donovan and Lawrence had actually discussed him before and he made a mental note to challenge his father about that the next time they spoke. He didn't like people chatting about him behind his back, even if it was for his 'own good'. Josh listened to her explanation with a subtle frown playing his lips, then smiled slightly and brushed his hand against Nell's cheek. "I think you're absolutely right," he said. Not that his opinion of her choice mattered much, seeing as this was the first he was hearing about any of it, but he felt the need to voice it regardless. "It doesn't matter what other people want, Nell. It's what you want that's important." He could never really understand the pull to go through with things for the sake of others because it wasn't one he often felt. He made decisions for himself for the most part and if others influenced it, it was only because he allowed them to. They were very different people. He realised that sometimes when things like this cropped up.

He felt a little conflicted after she spoke. He could understand more than anyone the need to handle things alone but he also wished she'd at least avoided lying to him. If she'd asked him to stay out of it he would have tried his best to do so, but it would at least have been nice to understand what was going on. "I guess I can grasp that," he said slowly. "I just don't like being lied to." His tone wasn't exactly what could be called bitter. It sounded more like he was stating a fact. He wasn't incredibly upset with Nell, he'd been telling the truth when he said that he forgave what little there was to forgive. He'd had quite a while to wrap his mind around her deceptions, after all. The therapy thing had been a bit of a shock since it was new to him. He'd had over a month to come to terms with the depression she hadn't told him about, the pills he wasn't supposed to know she was taking. This had surprised him. Should I have known? A lot of people went to therapy if they were troubled. Heck, it had been recommended to him before, he'd simply avoided it. Should it have been obvious? Then again, he hadn't been searching constantly for signs of deception. "I was looking for something—cleaning products, no doubt, I mean, what else do you usually keep down there?" It was a rhetorical question and one that he didn't expect an answer to. Trying to inject a bit of humour into the situation, he said, "Maybe you need to look for a better hiding place in the future." A joke though it had been, this caused a ripple of discomfort. Would she hide things from him again?

He sighed at the question, not expecting her to understand some of the reasons he hadn't asked. A few of them were over-complicated and involved his own desire for privacy. The basic reasons were clear to him, though, and he decided to offer those. "I didn't really know how to bring that up. I didn't want a fight." He wasn't suggesting that he would have brought it up angrily but he couldn't have predicted how Nell would react. He himself had gotten offended when he'd thought that Nell was going through his phone and so he wondered if she'd have gotten defensive and an argument would have broken out. He wasn't good at predicting people and their reactions to the things he'd say. "I don't expect you to tell me everything, Nell," Josh said patiently. The patience was mostly for himself, so that he didn't allow his usual anger over the little things to sneak in and start an argument for real. He couldn't control his temper any more than she'd be able to control her depression. "I've known for a while. I figured that if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me, and... I don't know." He shook his head, frustrated. Not with her, with himself for being unable to describe his thought process. He knew he contradicted himself—he'd wanted to know, but he'd not wanted to ask. He had been uncomfortable with the thought of breaking her trust by accusing her of anything. "It's not like I went looking for things," Josh defended himself, not wanting her to think he was too suspicious. "You weren't eating, either, and you slept a whole lot. I noticed that pretty quick. It scared me. I didn't know what to do about it. And I didn't know how you were handling it because you never mentioned it." He ran a hand through his dark hair, shrugging. "Look, if you want me to stay out of it, I will. But I want you to know that you can trust me." He met her gaze for a moment but quickly looked away. He was a little uncomfortable with the idea that she might shut him out and worried that she could tell by his words and his actions. He knew it would be Nell's choice if she wanted to confide in him about her choices or not and he just wondered what it would mean in the future. Would he be comfortable with the thought that she might be lying to him more than he'd have liked? No, he thought, already aware of the answer. Nothing I can do about it, though.

[Josh is confused. Very confused. o.o]

[NELL DOE DALE]

Josh’s words felt more or less like a punch to the gut, and she bit her lip, her eyes trained on the floor. She shook her head as if to clear it before saying, ”I shouldn’t have lied.” She did regret that now that she decided to tell her boyfriend and he said that he’d liked to have known. But she couldn’t go back and change what she did. She also didn’t want to tell him exactly why she had lied, because she felt stupid for it. I didn’t want you to think that I’m weak. She didn’t want anyone to think of her as weak, and when you go to therapy, you were just that. You were someone who couldn’t handle the stress of life, you were someone who is to be made of because your seeing a shrink. Where he apparently didn’t know about the therapy, he did know about the depression thanks to a crappy hiding place. Lke the freezer, she thought, but didn’t make the joke out loud. While she did feel violated, she couldn’t help it. Josh was living with her, some things couldn’t be kept private. ”Yeah…” she said. Nell usually didn’t have anything to hide from him, shouldn’t have anything to hide from him. She only realized now that it should have been the same with her depression.

A fight? Why would that cause a fight? Maybe it was just because she was defensive about the fact that she’d gotten busted and that she’d caused more damage than she’d been aware of, and she didn’t know how to deal with that. She thought that if Josh was actually angry with her, she’d be able to tell—after all, his temper was noticeable. But she still didn’t know if he was angry. It was my choice, she tried to defend herself again, but she knew that something as big as clinical depression was something she should have informed him of. If the trial taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t hide. Nell leaned against the wall, fingernail fussing with the cap of her soda. ”I thought if you didn’t know, it would be better that way,” she said, even though she knew that her words didn’t make up for the fact that she’d been keeping secrets. She liked to be an honest person, but she did a horrible job at it—she deserved the friendships she lost because of the distrust, but she didn’t want to screw up her relationship because she was better at hiding things than she ever was at telling the truth.

It was even more jarring to know that she hadn’t been disguising her symptoms as well as she would have liked. He noticed it that fast? All this time? It was amazing, how unaware she was of the fact that Josh knew her better than anyone else, that he would be able to tell there was something wrong with her. Right now it made her more anxious than safe. ”I didn’t think you’d notice,” she said under her breath, looking down at the bottle in her hands instead of his face. Nell had been hoping that it could just blow over, that the depression wouldn’t last, and then it could be a non-issue. A blip on the radar, something—as far as Josh knew—that had never occurred. She dragged a hand down her cheek and sighed when he next spoke, pushing off from the wall to wrap her arms around his waist and bury her face in his chest. ”Josh, that’s not what I want,” Nell said, voice muffled. ”I trust you, I just wanted to make everything okay. It was supposed to be better after the trial, but I just felt sad all the time.” Her hand gripped the back of his shirt. ”I don’t want to be sad. So I thought it would be better to just not talk about it. Maybe it’d just go away.” No, it was better to talk about it to a complete stranger than her own boyfriend. She hadn’t been trying to push him out of her life, she was trying to keep him stable. Nell feared that if she had told Josh, it would have caused more issues than it was worth. As it turned out, her secrecy had the opposite effect because he found out anyway.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

His gray eyes softened a little. Nell seemed genuinely apologetic for lying to him and he wasn't going to stay a stubborn stick in the mud if she really did regret it. "I forgive you," he reminded her, reaffirming his decision to do so. He didn't want her to feel like he would hold anything against her because of it. Josh lied all the time—not always to Nell, not always about the important things, but enough to understand that sometimes it really did feel like it was 'for the best'. He also reminded himself that he'd told little white lies on occasion to stop her from worrying about him, too. I'll need to stop that. No use being a hypocrite. He didn't like hypocrisy but didn't often realise when he was exhibiting signs of it, either. "If something's affecting you that much, Nell, I'd rather know and be there for you than be kept in the dark. Even if there's nothing I can do about it, I can lend my support." He wasn't insisting that she should tell him, merely explaining why he felt it wouldn't be such a bad idea. "And... well, maybe you can just tell me that you'd rather not say where you were as opposed to lying?" It was a quiet and hopeful suggestion. He'd still feel a little shut out but at least he'd be clear about the fact that she was trying to do things on her own and not be living under the false idea that she was doing absolutely fine. He hoped that the secrecy wouldn't have to happen at all but if it was a necessity then he wanted to understand that.

His smile was almost sad when he shook his head. "You were pretty good at hiding it," he said. "But I pay attention to things like that." It was similar to how she seemed to pick up on his anger before anyone else could. Not that he was subtle about it on a regular basis, but Nell knew him well enough that she understood that more than the average person. And she knew that he wasn't always 'fine' when he said he was, as well. They understood one another. They couldn't read each other like books but there was a certain level of understanding that only they could have. He was a little surprised when she wrapped her arms around him but did not protest, merely returning the embrace. He was glad that they weren't fighting about this. Josh was used to solving problems with people by arguing or fighting and so it was still taking time to adjust to what it was like with Nell. They didn't fight very often and so he didn't have a whole lot of experience to go off. It was definitely better than how 'discussions' with Donovan usually went. "Okay," he said, glad that she didn't plan on completely shutting him out as he'd feared. "I can understand that," he said, also relieved that he could tell the truth about this. He wasn't as confused or offended as he'd been a moment ago, at least. "Of course. I doubt anyone likes being sad. They wouldn't call it sadness if they did." His lips twitched again and he pressed them to hers for a moment. "You seem like you're getting better, lately," he remarked. Looking into her eyes, he asked her seriously, "Do you feel like you are?"

He could still remember a lot of the little things he'd done to try and get Nell to cheer up a little, his efforts over the past couple of months. How he'd tried to trick her into eating to cover up her depression for him even though he was already aware, how he always kept up a cheery and blindfolded façade. And then there'd been prom, and he chuckled a bit as he recalled that night. "Do you remember prom?" he asked her, smiling a bit. It looked to be one of genuine amusement. As he'd not actually gotten angry with Nell, it was easy to shove the negative emotions to the side for a moment in favour of a good tale. "I went almost every year. I wouldn't really have cared too much about it if it wasn't for you—I just pretended I wanted to go so badly so that you'd come with me." Hoping that she didn't feel too upset or deceived by this, he decided to explain himself a little better. "Don't get me wrong, I liked going when I was with you. I just wanted to make sure you had that experience. We won't get to go this year. We're not in high school." Again he mentioned the future, though not as far into it as before. He was much more comfortable with the idea of it than Nell was, even though he was unaware of her trepidation. He was actually glad that he could think of it now, without that vague fogginess that had been the pre-trial confusion. "Don't worry. I think I was one of the very few that noticed anything. I meant what I said when I told you that you were good at it."

[NELL DOE DALE]

The things that went into a relationship were still new to her, or maybe it was just something that human interaction required. Tell people that you care about if something’s bothering you. Was it that simple? I don’t want anyone to know. She was always fearing the fact that she may be considered a burden to others, and therefore kept everything to herself. She didn’t want to lose her boyfriend because she told him that she was going to therapy and that she felt so screwed up sometimes that she didn’t know how to move on from there. Nell didn’t want to tell him that she wondered if he would be there for her. She could never stop the doubt, no matter how many times he followed through, no matter how many times he told her just to have faith in him. There was still the feeling that she—with all her self-doubt—could fuck everything up. ”I guess that would be better,” she said, biting her thumbnail in a nervous gesture. She knew what she should have done—been honest about the entire situation. In the end, she just put him through worse than she was trying to protect him from. ”I know I should be honest, but…with some things…it’s easier to lie.” That wasn’t a good defense for her, but it was the truth. She chose the easy way out, for her at least. Nell didn’t know how Josh would feel about all this, how he would react, so it was easier just to not bring it up at all. It was easier to pretend for everyone.

Nell froze when she heard the words “pay attention to”. How many things were going to be new to her? How many peope actually paid attention to the little things? He’s living with you, he would notice. She should have known that, but since he made no mention, she believed se was safe. Nell leaned into the kiss and thought more about his words. ”I don’t want the sadness to be all the time though,” she said quietly. And sometimes its still there, it creeps up on her when she doesn’t expect it and she’s stricken with the loneliness and the desolation. She could handle it in small doses, everyone did after all, but depression was an all-consuming thing. Did she feel like she was getting better? She quit therapy, that meant something. She still felt weary sometimes, but it wasn’t as overwhelming or heavy before. Perhaps life was getting in the way of depression, now that she had school and work to worry about. ”I am, yeah,” she said, swallowing. ”It’s hard sometimes…but it’s more than that it’s getting easier.” Maybe it was because time did heal all wounds. Maybe having Josh around for support had helped. Maybe she was finally figuring out how to play the hand life had dealt her. Whatever it was, she felt a lot better than she had after trial. ”I guess it always gets better.”

Josh mentioned prom and she blinked, seeing as it had come out of left field. She turned her head slightly. ”Yes…?” It seemed rather odd to bring it up, as she’d not yet made the connection to what he’d been doing with his knowledge of her depression. But then he clarified, and it took her a moment to react, a simple, slow nod showing that she’d heard. Oh. Half of her felt stupid for not realizing it, half of her felt touched that Josh would do that for her. Even though he hadn’t told her about what he knew when he did rope her into going to prom. ”Well, I guess now I can say thank you, but…” She tilted her head as she raised her eyebrows. ”Anything else you guilted me into?” Her tone was rather light, showing that she didn’t mind his own deception—it wouldn’t have been necessary if she hadn’t hid deceived him in the first place—but she would like to know if there was anythng else that she had unknowingly been guilted into thanks to their lack of communication between each other. ”Wait…” she began, looking to the side as she thought. Now that she was aware of the things he’d been aware of… ”Okay, so, the whole pointing out food and suggesting I should eat…that’s because you knew.” She said it more to herself than him, as if reaffirming this in her head. He knew. All along, he just didn’t say anything, and he stuck by her.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Knowing that it was generally considered a nervous habit, Josh blinked at Nell when she bit her nails, wondering why she was feeling so antsy. He supposed it was because of the situation and the fact that she'd been caught in several lies but he was not angry and so didn't understand why she was feeling that way. Sometimes his less than selfless attitude caught up with him when the simple actions of others confused him—it often took a moment to realise that not everyone was going to see things the way he did. He usually made the connection in the end, it just wasn't instant by any means. "I know," he said softly. "It seems that way sometimes, doesn't it?" He had taken the 'easy' way out a lot of times in his life. Unfortunately for Josh, that didn't always turn out for the best. Lying had practically cut him off from his parents and the life that he'd known for quite some time and it had almost cost him his freedom when it had come to the law. He had told the truth then but it was just as shaky as lying sometimes. It certainly hadn't worked out for the best seeing as he'd almost been killed twice for it. "It doesn't always work out that way, though. Sometimes it just causes more issues than it solves." He sighed and shrugged, a little distant for a moment as he reflected on the experiences he was thinking of. A few of them involved Nell and her recent deceptions but he was also thinking a lot about himself and the lies he'd told, all the trouble they'd gotten him into or out of over the years—there was a lot of gray area when it came to lying. He just hoped that there wouldn't be too much gray area in their relationship.

It seemed rather obvious to him that no one would enjoy feeling down on themselves all the time but he kept that fleeting thought to himself, not seeking to belittle Nell by pointing out the obvious. Instead he just nodded to show that he'd heard. "It won't be." He was confident in that because depression was curable, at least from all the things he'd heard. If there was no treatment for depression then half the world would be absolutely miserable in his experience. He felt a sweeping sense of relief to hear Nell admit aloud to him that she could feel it getting easier, relief that he had not been wrong when he'd assumed that things were picking up—even if only slightly, it was enough to assure him that she wouldn't stay like this forever. He remembered the times he'd feared that she'd never get better and that he'd have to move on in his life. Though Josh didn't want to lie to her, that was something he figured best kept to himself. I don't want her to know that I ever had any doubts. Little did he know that they both doubted one another—it was human nature for some. He just took comfort in that they were still together and went from there. "I'm glad," he said earnestly. "And I'm always here for you. You know that." He couldn't do anything to drive the depression away but he hoped that he could at least be a constant thing in her life, someone that Nell could count on. He figured she needed someone like that after so many things had gone wrong for her. Hell, he needed it sometimes, too. His life was not as hard as hers had been but it still hadn't been the prettiest.

He analysed her tone when she questioned him, trying to figure out whether it had been a question voiced with upset or curiosity. His gut told him to go with the latter as she had not sounded offended and he only hoped that he was right. "Probably," he admitted, dipping his head. He thought about it for a moment, thought back to the little things that he'd done or tried to do in order to cheer Nell up or make sure she wasn't giving up on herself. He hadn't known she was getting outside help and so he'd constantly feared that she would just stop trying one day and give up on her job, her life, their relationship. His paranoia was a torturous thing. "Christmas," he said as it came to mind. "I didn't want you to spend it alone." His parents had always impressed upon him the importance of spending said holiday with family or loved ones and keeping one another company. There had always been presents on the occasion when he was growing up but it had never really been about the presents for his parents, he didn't think. They were rich, they could afford to indulge all year round. It had rubbed off on him, clearly. "Mostly the little things, though. I'd drop hints in passing because I figured you were trying to hide it from me, hoping that you'd put in the extra effort at least to conceal it." It had worked some times more than others but he had at least gave an effort himself. That was what you were supposed to do when you cared about someone, right? He chuckled softly to himself when she spoke. He didn't realise that it was mostly to herself and even if he had, he likely still would have replied, "Ah, yeah, there was that, too."

[NELL DOE DALE]

Even though she believed she was getting better, she really didn’t know how she felt. It was like a limbo she was at right now, as she accepted the things in her life that she couldn’t accept before. Sure, the wounds still hurt, but it was getting easier to think about. She was coming to terms that she now didn’t have to the life she had before, that there was nothing out there that could destroy her like her mother did, and she was safe. She couldn’t predict the future, couldn’t predict any of her family’s actions even though she wondered just how spiteful a man her grandfather was, but in the present she was okay. She fell silent as she thought about these things, her walls slowly coming back up. Sometimes she felt like an armadillo, but she was aware that it was necesssary for self-preservation that she had these defenses. It may have been the only thing that she did simply for herself. When she started to feel like she was being too open, she simply closed the door and that was that. A part of her was aware that she shouldn’t do that, especially not to her boyfriend, but the other part was aware that even though she was getting better, that didn’t mean everything was perfect.

Josh at least seemed to be dealing with the information well, as far as she could tell. She was glad for that, since she really only wanted him to be happy. It was one of the reasons she decieved him like she did. Never did she had foul intent toward him, or anyone else that she lied to for that matter. And on a more selfish level, she wanted to keep something to herself for once. Too many people knew about her for her to feel comfortable. She wanted to keep her depression all to herself, one secret she could keep for herself. There shouldn’t be any secrets between her and Josh, she knew that, but it was too late to take back what she’d done and that was that. ”I’ll keep that in mind,” Nell said, her tone unreadable, her entire expression a mask. She didn’t like to rely heavily on others, but she realized she did it all the time because everything she was revolved around others. And even though she pretended that she didn’t need Josh—no one likes a clingy girlfriend—she was aware of the fact that it was a lie. She’d never admit that, never tell Josh that, and she barely wanted to acknowledge the fact that she needed anything like she needed him. It made her feel weak and helpless, and that wasn’t a feeling she’d like to embrace.

It was beginning to dawn on her, the things he’d done for her. She knew she’d have rather spent Christmas in bed, asleep, somewhere away from her problems, and at the time—even though there was no bitterness toward him—there was no enthusiasm, either. But he gave her the first real Christmas she ever had, something that she probably would regret if she didn’t have. She even spent it with her father, something she wouldn’t have done if Josh hadn’t encouraged her. And it was nice. Even though now she hadn’t spoken to her father in weeks, she was glad to have that time spent with him. She wasn’t looking at Josh, but not because she was upset with him about doing these things without her knowledge, but ebcause she was mulling over exactly how she felt about it. She couldn’t deny that it made her somewhat uncomfortable, the fact that he knew there was something wrong, and instead of confronting her about it, he duped her into doing things that she otherwise wouldn’t have done. She felt manipulated, but for one, it was hypocritical to be mad at him for that. For another, she guessed it had helped her. But she didn’t really know what was healing her, whether it was Josh or just the fact that it had been enough time to move on. ”Even though I kind of feel like an idiot now,” she said with a crooked smile, ”I guess it was a good thing you did that.” She looked into his gray eyes then, smiled wider. ”So thanks.”


[sorry for suckishness, nell retreated into her shell. x.x]