* things we don't want to speak, [josh]

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

NNell decided to bring flowers to her therapist that day, noticing that the vase he had on the table under one of the obnoxiously large windows was barren. ”Did you grow them yourself?” Dr. Warren asked when she rearranged them as she placed them in the glass container, and nodded. She didn’t tell him how she grew the orchids, just that she enjoyed plants and any form of vegetation. Nell almost wanted to quip that he wasn’t writing that information down in his damned yellow notepad, but stopped herself from being so cruel to the man. It was just his job to pick her brain, not his fault that she didn’t really want to be there. She wanted to get better, though, and she understood this was a necessary evil. In a sign of consideration toward her father, she took him up on his suggestion of therapy, and now she found it rather ironic that she was distancing herself from him. The phone calls had tapered off, and it was like he’d given up. She didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not.

She pulled off her jacket as she sat down on his couch, one of the best things about being in the office. It was big and plush and she felt herself sinking into it the second she sat down. ”How was your day, Nell?” he asked in that cursory way, and she leaned back as she folded her hands over her stomach. ”Pretty good,” she said, and didn’t elaborate since nothing of relative importance had happened that day. ”How’s that job of yours?” She scrunched her lips to the side, shrugged, her face a study in neutrality. She tried not to show that she actually really liked it, because she was careful about keeping a distance from him with everything. It wasn’t helping anything, but it made her feel safe when his questions did not. ”I like it.” She didn’t tell him how much she loved the kids, how she felt pretty damn awesome when she could solve a problem and have nothing big come of it. She liked being helpful, and even though she was just a teacher’s aide in the afternoons, she felt like she was doing something important. It was odd, going from bartender to working at a daycare center.

They went on to discuss the medication, how she was keeping up with it, and if she was eating good. Not that he really noticed the drop in weight or anything else like that, because he didn’t—it was just one of the side effects that he asked of and she lied to him, saying that it wasn’t a side effect for her. That was true. The change in diet had come before she started to steadily take her Prozac, so it didn’t come with that. Dr. Warren at least seemed pleased that she was keeping up with the anti-depressants, apparently taking her word for it. She guessed there was no way for them to test or anything, and at least she didn’t have to lie about that. It made her feel better. ”So what do you want to talk about today, Nell?” He crossed his ankle over his leg and lifted his eyebrows as he waited. If she were honest, she’d have said nothing. To appease him, she simply said, ”I don’t know. Is there anything you want to ask me?” It’s what she usually did when he asked that, and it was a question he started off on everytime they had these sessions. He leaned back, apparently considering her words. ”Well, I haven’t gotten much from you in terms of your relationship with your mother. I believe that is something we really should touch on.” He was acting like he had gotten nowhere in questioning her about the woman, and Nell supposed that was right. She made a special point not to speak at all about her past with her mother.

Today, she responded with an uneasy, ”All right.” Motioning with her hand, she said, ”Go ahead.” She ducked her head, waiting for impact. She really hated his questions, and the mere anticipation made her stomach churn. ”Well, you’ve never really elaborated on why you think your relationship with your mother was so bad,” he said steadily. She wanted to be snippy, to tell him that the woman abused her, but she knew that’s not what he meant. He wanted to know why she abused her. Nell didn’t know if she was willing to divulge those answers. ”A lot of reasons,” she said vaguely, picking at the couch cushion as she averted her eyes. It was true. Besides, it’s not like she had a key to the woman’s mind. She didn’t know why Mia did the things she did, Nell just accepted it as her reality because there was nothing else she could do. ”Tell me.” She clenched her jaw. Everything is Freudian, huh. ”I don’t know,” she told him, somewhat defensively. ”I wanted a good relationship with her.” Even saying that felt like too much.

He nodded as if understanding everything coming from her mouth, and she almost resented him for it. These sessions brought out the worst in her, and she tried not to pull her legs up to her chest. Then her therapist would be able to identify that as something psychology related. He paused, and that was another thing she hated. These pauses let her think, and she thought too hard. Even though she didn’t answer him, she thought about what the answer would be. Nell knew it had something to do with the fact that it was essentially her fault that Tilly did. That her mother had chosen her favorite, and that Nell had taken that girl away from her before she even left the womb. Mia probably thought she was a horrible sister to Tilly, just as Jane had been to her. If nothing else about her thoughts disturbed her, the idea of being compared to that woman did. I always loved my mother, she wanted to say, but she thought the whole ‘my mother never loved me’ thing would be too cliché, no matter how true it was. Nell wanted a good relationship, she’d aimed for one, even after Tilly died. And when her sister was alive, she vyed for Mia’s attention, even if that meant getting into trouble just so that her mother’s attention would be on her. Good or bad. Back then, she didn’t know how bad it would get.

These would have been good things to tell her therapist, but he seemed to hit the nail on the head with his next question. ”Do you think your mother ever loved you?” She bristled. Closed her eyes. Why did that hurt so much, the fact that Mia never loved her like she had Tilly? She had known this for years, and yet the question burned in her ears. Maybe it was because she was starting to acknowledge it as fact. She kept thinking of all the times her mother called her by her sister’s name. ”Thank you, Tilly. You’re so wonderful, God’s gift to me. ”No,” she replied shortly, and that’s all she wanted to admit to him. It was clear in the way she had been treated for so long, in the way she had tried to kill her. And then Jane’s words danced into her head, and she just wanted them to go away. ”If you had died that night, no one would have noticed.” ”Are you all right, Nell?” Did she look all right? Did she look off? Was she letting him see anything? Because at that moment she was trying to forget about what her mother called her—other than the degrading words when she was ‘Nell’ and not ‘Till’—and the jealousy she hated feeling toward the girl, and how she could never win her mother’s approval. Even when she cared for the woman if she fell ill, or helped out with her chores that she did for people in the neighborhood. The acknowledgment went to Tilly. No one would have noticed if she died, and yet everyone noticed Mia after all those years.

She ended the session early, because she kept hearing her mother’s voice calling her Till. Could recall memories of what happened when Nell reminded her that she was not her sister by doing things that Tilly wouldn’t do, by burning her cranes, by cutting her hair, by breaking something on accident. At home, she really didn’t know what to do with herself. She was well aware of how her thoughts would consume her if she just sat alone with herself, but she had nothing better to do. I’m going to sleep, she thought with determined panic. She felt ill, because she really was panicking and didn’t know how else to handle it. My mother never loved me, why can’t I just accept it? The one person who was most important to her could only tolerate her when she was someone else.

Before she could even change, Josh came through the door and she bit back the panic and the ill feelings. Kissing him, she smiled very convincingly and said, ”Hey. Where were you?” Her voice sounded very natural, which she was thankful for, and let him be when he went to the bathroom. Insetad of curling up under the sheets now that her boyfriend was home, she pulled her legs up to her chest on the couch like she couldn’t do at the therapist’s office and thought about what he said. Why couldn’t she have had a good relationship? Did she think her mother never loved her? You tell me. I was only her daughter when I was Tilly. And in that moment when she wanted to end my life, I was Nell. The tailend of her thought made her inhale sharply and when the breath came out, she dissolved into tears, fisting her hand in front of her face. For the first time, she’d actually come to acknowledge the fact that the woman she loved no matter what—that caused the guilt whenever she cried, that made her feel happiest whenever the attention was good, that made her feel like shit whenever she touched her in a way that mothers should—never could care for her.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua could immediately tell something was off when his mother greeted him at the door, looking distracted as she gave a smile and pulled him into a hug. "How are you, Joshua?" She pulled back but kept her hand trained on his shoulder, surveying him with a critical blue stare. She had a pair of glasses perched on her nose and her hair was tied back, suggesting that she might have been mulling over some sort of papers for work. It was little things like these you learned only from living with someone your entire life—or most of it, anyway. "I'm okay," he replied, glancing away. He hated the way she always seemed to know when something was troubling him. As a secretive person, Josh valued his ability to keep things to himself. When his mother stripped all of that secrecy away and saw right down to the bare bones of things, it could often times be a little unnerving. "How's Nell?" She was brilliant with perception. It was part of the reason she was so successful in politics. As she was able to pick up on when her opponents were feeling weak, she jumped on that and went for the kill. "We're both fine, Mum. Don't worry about us. Are you alright?" He noticed Patricia wince a little. "What, so you're allowed to question me and I can't return the favour?" Joshua's tone was light, suggesting that he really didn't mean anything negative by the comment. He loved his mother. "Seriously, Mum, what's up?"

She seemed to consider the question for a long moment, then sighed and reached back to free her hair of it's clasp. "Come sit down," she said, gesturing not in the direction of the living room, where most 'family' meetings were held, but upstairs. He deduced that she wanted to talk to him privately in her office where they would not be disturbed by the others in the house and so followed without complaint. Trish pulled another chair out from behind a couple of cabinets so that he could sit and sank down in her own chair a moment later. "It's your father," she sighed, and this immediately caused him to stiffen. "Or... well, I guess it's his father..." As she trailed off looking deep in thought, Joshua asked, "Patrick?" When his mother nodded, the graduate's jaw set into a firm lock. "He hasn't been causing you trouble, has he?" His voice was low and soft but the words were strained, giving his anger away with ease. As the woman who'd raised him, Patricia had likely known it would set off his temper before she'd even spoke. "Don't concern yourself too much, honey," she started. "Damn right I will!" Joshua cut her off without raising his voice in the least. "If that bastard—"

"Joshua, I know you're not a child any more but could you please watch your language?" The admonishment made him pause, stunned out of the would-be rant. He glared at his mother for a long moment, considering, then ducked his head. He felt like he'd just recieved a slap on the wrist for sticking his hand in the cookie jar, like he was six years old again and under the complete rule of his parents. Patricia had that affect on him at times. "Sorry," he relented, a bit flustered. His temper countered by the scolding, he waved his hand. "So what's he been doing?" He still had not forgotten the poor treatment of his girlfriend at the Christmas party as well as all of the horrible things the man had said to him throughout the years, so his feelings toward Patrick were already less than fond. "I'm... not sure." She bit her lip. She's debating how much to tell me. It was odd how he knew these things. "I'm almost twenty, Mum," he prompted gently. This seemed to get her attention and she ran a hand through her blonde hair. "Things have been off since Christmas," she explained. "He's come around a few times to talk with your father but Donny won't tell me anything about what he says." Joshua felt slightly uncomfortable as he recognised the hurt in her voice, registered the use of the nickname for his father. It also made him slightly upset with the man. Can't even be honest with your wife? My mother?

They mulled over the issue for an hour or two, but their conversations ran mostly in circles. At the end of their little chat they were no closer to deducing what had happened than at the beginning. Patricia shuffled a few of the papers on her desk and glanced at the computer screen to check the time. "You should get going," she said. "I've got someone coming over in a little while." He understood that she was not shunting him, just taking care of her career. Standing up, he took a moment to allow the feeling to come back into his legs. "Oh, and Joshua?" He paused in the doorway, glancing over his shoulder. "Do me a favour—don't mention this to Nell, alright? I'm sure she's already uncomfortable enough with what happened at Christmas." Joshua could not stop his lips from twitching into the slightest hint of a smile. Don't trust me not to screw up my relationship, huh? The thought was affectionate. Patricia was just looking out for him and, subsequently, his relationship. It felt nice to have that bond back in his life—a bond that Nell herself would never have. He didn't make that connection very often, though, because he was so used to having his mother that he couldn't imagine what it would be to experience the same things as the Earth elemental. "I won't," he replied. "Love you, Mum."

"Love you too, honey. Drive safe."

He found that Nell had returned earlier than he had when he re-entered the apartment, giving her a smile when she noticed his presence. As he was not expecting her to be in any sort of horrible mood (at least, no worse than usual) he believed the false smile without a second thought. His own concerns about his family and Patrick were momentarily lost as she kissed him, returning it whole-heartedly and lingering for a moment before pulling away. "I went to visit my mother," he said truthfully, though he left out the details. He often went to visit his family now that they were on speaking terms and so hoped that she wouldn't think anything was off about it. "Dad and Annabel weren't home, I don't think. She says hello." Patricia always told him to send her regards to Nell—sometimes twice if she didn't think he would listen. He figured it was the woman's own way of trying to make Nell feel accepted within their strange little circle. It was at least more of an effort than Donovan had given and so Joshua appreciated it. His mother tried pretty hard to make things work with her family. "You?" He knew that she'd gone out today, as well, but wasn't sure where. "Did you have work?"

He liked the fact that Nell had found another job, was glad that she could have something like the daycare to distract her from the loss at Blackjack. Dealing with kids is better than dealing with drunks, anyway. He excused himself from Nell's presence momentarily to use the bathroom, avoiding his reflection in the mirror as usual. Unless he was surveying it for some specific reason, Joshua hated catching a glimpse of it—the scar on his face was ever-present. It would not go away no matter how hard he wished it. He was getting better with how uncomfortable it made him but he supposed it would never truly fade. People noticed, and as long as they still wondered and asked questions he could not forget that it was there. He took a moment to compose himself and push all thoughts of Patrick and his father from his mind, then went back into the living room and stopped dead. Something was off about Nell—were those... tears? He almost didn't know what to do with himself, hesitating on the threshold between the two areas. Should he just go back into the bathroom and grab a shower, give her time to compose herself? Who knows if she cries when she's alone? He knew that his girlfriend did not often shed tears in front of him but was not entirely sure what it was like when she had no company.

However, Joshua was a loyal friend when you earned his trust. He loved his friends and would always be there for them if they needed it. Nell was more than just an average friend so all of those protective, loyal instincts were amplified. After letting another couple of seconds pass he shook his head and strode forward into the room. He wasn't too great at dealing with tears but it was better to deal with them than to pretend they didn't exist. "Nell?" he said, mostly to alert her to his presence. He'd feel too awkward if he just stood there and watched the tears sliding down her cheeks without saying anything to the girl herself. Sinking down on the couch beside her, he got as close as he was able and slid an arm around her shoulders. "What's wrong?" He'd almost asked, 'Are you alright?' then reminded himself that crying usually suggested the opposite. "Is there anything I can do?" He hated to see her upset and thus if there was some way of fixing it he'd try his best. But... what if there wasn't? Don't think like that, he scolded himself. She'll get over this... this... whatever this is.

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

Nell knew that she should have felt better that Josh was home now and she wasn’t alone. He made her happy, made her feel better even if it was for a short while. But she felt like she had just put a stopper on too many emotions to contain and they were now waging war in her body. ”Oh,” she said softly, keeping up her languid smile as if it was the easiest thing in the world. It wasn’t. It felt like she was physically lying to him, and she didn’t even think it was possible. ”How is she?” Nell asked after his mother when he said that his father and sister weren’t home. Just focus on this, don’t focus on anything else. It was hard to concentrate. It was hard to quell what had ben brought up by Dr. Warren’s invasive questions. But as always, she tried. And as always, she failed. Her stomach ached when he asked after where she had gone, and her first instinct was to lie. She hated lying, but she wasn’t going to tell him that she was in therapy. God, she hated even the sound of that. She was a patient and—no, she had a hard enough time admitting it to herself, let alone her boyfriend. ”I just hung around the mall,” she lied, and it was too easy. She felt terrible after saying it, even though it was such an innocuous statement. She knew that in order to strengthen the lie, though, she’d need details. Vague details—no names, no specific times that could be traced—and she hated how well she knew how to do this. Josh deserved the truth, but she wasn’t giving in. ”Met up with a few friends, and basically loitered.” Her easy smile veiled the way she truly felt, especially now that she was lying about what she had done that day. Wasn’t it a bad thing to do in a relationship? Wasn’t that what cheaters did, lie about their days?

It became even harder to hide when she began to cry, and she knew there was no way to stop it until she was completely drained. They were the kinds of tears that overwhelmed, that rose like floodwaters and destroyed levies. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath to calm down, taking oxygen in short gasps, and squeezing her eyes shut as if that would cut off the flow. It didn’t. Because once she was in this pit, she only thought more. All the bad things came back to her, all her regrets and mistakes and her issues. All the things that she ever thought were wrong with her came battering down her defenses, and all she could do was clutch her legs to her chest and shake. Natural disastors seemed to be claiming her body, and she bit her lip, trying to not let any sobs out. But everytime she thought of something else that went wrong, something else that she hated about her life and her past and herself, the tears just returned stronger. Her breath hitched when she heard Josh, and pulled back from her legs, leaning back and letting out a light laugh that was choked by another gasp. She felt stupid. She felt defenseless. Sure, it didn’t feel so bad when it was Josh—her boyfriend—but she didn’t like crying in general. She usually never had a reason to cry; she was usually happy.

Nell felt him move next to her, his arm around her shoulders, but she didn’t open her eyes to look. She was desperately and fruitlessly trying to wipe away the tears. She tilted her head back as she pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. What was wrong? Where could she begin with explaining? Did she even want to? There was a lot wrong, even when she tried to convince herself that it was just her past, that her mother and her family didn’t matter anymore. ”I just…” She was tempted to just finally tell him everything, tell him about the depression, and how she just never felt right, and how she was seeing a therapist and that was just making things worse… But did she want to lay herself even more bare at this moment? ”I don’t even know what to tell you. I guess there’s a lot wrong.” She laughed again, a nervous reaction that she’d fallen back on. It should have been that there used to be a lot wrong. Nell wanted to be able to leave it all behind, but she couldn’t. ”Things are just getting to me.” It was really putting the situation lightly, but she didn’t want to make an even bigger deal out of this. It was bad enough that she was crying.

Josh asked if there was anything he could do. She shook her head. Still didn’t look at him. ”No, not really,” Nell said in her shaky voice, and she didn’t sound too bothered by the fact. He couldn’t expunge the past, and she wouldn’t ask anything of him. ”But that’s okay,” she reassured him. She didn’t need him to do anything, because she understood that she eventually she’d have to stop crying. She wasn’t physically injured, and there was no one causing her this except herself. Therefore, Josh couldn’t really do anything to help. She took the hand on her shoulder in her own damp one and murmured, ”But it’d be nice if you could stay.” It was spoken in a low tone of voice because she felt bad for asking something like that. Saying that he couldn’t do anything for her, but she’d like him to stick around while she was breaking down. She couldn’t take it back, however, and didn’t want to. It got hard being alone, and she didn’t want to experience that feeling anymore.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Just as Nell did not want him to worry, Josh had that same instinct toward her. It was not distrust or a desire to shut her out that made him tell little white lies but rather the fact that she had enough of her own stuff to be dealing with. That was usually his reasoning behind keeping things from her lately. Nell didn't need to be burdened with his problems on top of her own and so while he might confide in her if things took a turn for the worst, for now lying seemed the easy way out. "Same as usual. Busy with work, but she always makes time to talk." The lie slid easily past his lips and he recieved one in response to his next question even though he had no idea that it was such. Though Joshua had found the Prozac and caught on quickly to the fact that Nell was suffering from depression, her lack of open honesty with him meant that he had no idea about the therapist. He assumed that she'd gotten the drugs from somewhere of course but for all he knew it had been a one-time visit when the prescription had been written. When Nell told him that she'd spent the day with friends at the mall he had no reason not to believe her, nodding in response. "Sounds like fun." Nell was lucky, for Josh was not someone that pried more than was necessary into the social lives of his friends. If she'd mentioned someone like Devin, Autumn, Ethan—someone they both knew, even if they didn't get along in the same manner—then perhaps he'd have made further comment but he let it drop in favour of the bathroom break. It was likely due to having grown up in a spotless mansion but public bathrooms always disgusted him slightly.

All thoughts of anything else were wiped when he focused his attention on Nell, shoving his concerns to the side so that he had more room to deal with his girlfriend and hers. He could not read her thoughts, couldn't predict her reasoning for getting upset. It panicked him ever so slightly to see her crying because he knew that it was something quite unlike her. Still, he did not let that panic show as he strode across the room and sank down beside her. In a disaster or stressful situation, Josh was usually the calm one. He didn't like the feeling of panic and nausea brought on by stress, not that anyone did, and so he tried to focus on fixing the problem rather than just worrying about it. This didn't always work. In the case of firearms or his hydrophobia he was unable to fight back the onslaught of paranoia and fear. This? It was much different. It was Nell who was affected, not Josh, and so he took advantage of these clear thoughts. He didn't respond verbally to her comment about there being 'a lot wrong', not entirely sure what to say to it, but he did pull her closer to him. How can I help her? It was all he wanted to do but he couldn't fix a problem he knew nothing about. Hell, there was a good chance that he couldn't fix the problem even if he identified it. He acknowledged that he was not perfect but he at least wanted to try. It was why he'd asked her if there was anything he could do—and why he was a little disappointed when she said no. Not with Nell, never with Nell, but with her situation. Why is it always you? Life seemed to enjoy kicking the poor Earth girl when she was down.

He nodded, smiling to try and reassure her that he did not mind. "I'll stay, of course I will." He certainly wasn't going to get up and leave her to her own devices when she appeared to be going through some sort of breakdown. He remembered how she'd suffered a similar bout of crying back before they'd even been all that close and how he'd solved this problem with the bundle of fur who was now likely getting up to no good somewhere else in the apartment. His lips twitched a little at the thought of Pablo. I can't apply a kitten-sized bandaid to this problem. It worried him to think that he might not be able to help, that there was nothing he could do. He hated feeling powerless against the suffering of his friends and family. Right now, Nell was at a level of in-between. She was more than a friend but not family—not officially, anyway. He considered her a part of his family even if he didn't fully acknowledge it in his own mind. "Are you... sure that you were at the mall today?" It seemed a strange thing to upset a person, spending the day with friends. He did not think in the direction of therapy. He thought perhaps work, that she might have been fired from her new job because of her reputation. That would certainly be a kick to the stomach. Then he thought of something else and amended before she could answer the first question, "Wait—was it one of your friends? Did they say something about...?" He trailed off, leaving this open but obvious. He was sure that Nell would know exactly what to infer.

Joshua didn't often prompt Nell to open up to him, to talk to him about anything serious. He always offered that shoulder to cry on—usually in the metaphorical sense—but did not pry beyond that. He respected that some things were better off kept to oneself. Not only that, but it was not like they were constantly unhappy or brooding in the presence of one another. He didn't think he'd brought up the subject of his scars since the time when she'd panicked at his being half-naked. She didn't mind your shirt's absence when she was smashed, did she? The thought slipped past the filter and he was glad that Nell could not tell what he was thinking. Focus! He couldn't be going off on his train of thought, his memories about what they'd done and almost done at the party. It hadn't happened and that was that. No use dwelling on it. Right now he was supposed to be—and was, he just couldn't help certain thoughts from interfering—more worried about her state of mental health. He might not have asked her often about herself and her concerns but he really felt like it was the time for it now. "Talk to me, Nell," he encouraged, giving the hand that was entwined with his a gentle squeeze. "Tell me what's troubling you." He did not make it a question as he usually would have. It was no more forceful or pushy than usual, he was just trying to establish that he wanted her to share with him, for once. He wanted her to get better. Maybe talking about it would help, maybe it wouldn't, but at this point all he could do was try.

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

Nell was glad to hear that her boyfriend wasn’t going to leave because she was crying, but it wasn’t enough to make the tears stop. Of course she wished it did, but it was too much to even focus on stopping right now. So she just let it go, figuring it would be better just to get it all out than bottle it up like she usually did. Nell tensed when he questioned whether or not she had been at the mall that day, feeling like an animal caught in headlights. He knew her better than anyone, and here she was trying to hide things from him as if that didn’t matter. It made her feel guilty, and she fisted her hand in front of her mouth for another moment and squeezed her eyes shut. It really was hard to hold a conversation when bawling one’s eyes out, but she was making an attempt. It was a very dishonest conversation that was only making the tears come harder because of her guilt, but it was conversation nonetheless. She didn’t know how to reply to that, and was glad to hear him instead ask if one of her friends caused her distress. It was selfish and terrible, but she didn’t want him to know. ”No, it’s not like that,” she said, taking shuddering breaths to help her calm. It was helping a bit take her mind off of the things that were causing the tears, but her demons kept pulling at her mind. ”I was just thinking.” Was this the first honest thing she’d said to him today? Yes, it would seem so, and she took a moment to brush more tears away from her cheeks.

She bit her lip and sniffled, rubbed at her nose, feeling like a child even though she never really cried as a chid either. Nell was happy that she had Josh at least, even though she felt like a terrible person for it. She couldn’t even tell him what was bothering her, couldn’t be honest with him, and yet she was relying on him for support. Her selfishness only made the tears more prolific, and no matter how much she tried to convince herself to stop crying, it only made her cry harder. She wondered if someone could run out of liquids from that, and that thought even made her cry harder. Closing her eyes, she sighed lightly when she felt Josh squeeze her hand. With him, it didn’t feel like he was trying to put his nose where it didn’t belong. He had every right to know, he cared about her—it made her grateful and shameful all at once. ”I…don’t know where to start,” she said as if it were an effort to get those words out. Her eyeborws knitted together as she thought, and that was very bad because she just ket sniffling, kept crying. She wanted to talk to him, she wanted his support and comfort, but she also wanted to keep from burdening him. She didn’t want him to know anything was wrong. Isn’t it obvious, though? He could pick up on the fact that something was wrong, because people just didn’t cry when they were having an average day.

Nell bit her lip, almost considering telling him about therapy. About what Dr. Warren was asking her, about the fact that she was sick of being used by everybody—because she understood that he was using her for his paycheck, and she was slowly becoming aware of how everyone in her life had objectified her. She hadn’t needed therapy for that, she just needed to be left alone with her thoughts. If she got too deep, the revelations were a lot like the one she was experiencing now. ”I was just thinking…” she whispered, looking down at her lap. ”About my mother.” Nell almost winced in saying it, but simply closed her eyes for a moment, sniffling again. ”I…just remembered some of the stuff that she did. Like calling me Tilly when she was nice to me. And whenever I did something wrong, I was Nell.” She let it trail off. If she told Josh about her therapist, about what had made her think these things, it may have made it easier for him. But she wasn’t aware of it. ”It’s been hard…coming to terms with the fact that my mother hated me and loved my identical twin. I think it’s because it’s my fault Till died in the first place.” A mother should love all her children, and maybe that’s why it hurt so much—the unconditional love was never there. It made her feel like there was something wrong with her. It was amazing, how much Josh could get from her. But her defenses were lowered and she trusted him with this. If she could speak her thoughts out loud to anyone, it was Josh. She shrugged, as if to dismiss everything she just said. Like it was nothing big. Like she wasn’t still crying. She felt like an idiot.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He hesitated, unsure of what to believe. He knew that she had lied to him about her depression and neglected to tell him about the Prozac she was taking and so couldn't be positive she wasn't just bending the truth again. At the same time, Josh hated himself for doubting her. Relationships were not supposed to be about lying to one another and covering things up. You do it, too. He defended himself by insisting that it was Nell's own good, that he didn't want to burden her, but what if she felt the same way? It was giving him a headache just to think about it and he tried to simplify things by ignoring them. Deciding to just take her word for it seeing as he didn't want to view her as being deceptive, he accepted the words as fact and dipped his head. He didn't want Nell to use not knowing where to start as an excuse this time, however. He wanted the truth, wanted to know what was going on with her. Maybe she wasn't lying, seeing as she did tell him that something was wrong, but avoiding elaboration sometimes felt like the same thing. I just want to help her. He was lucky in that he was a patient guy. "Take all the time you need," he said quietly, waving the hand that was not wrapped around her shoulder in a calm gesture of that patience. "I'll listen." That was something he was pretty good at. Though he could sometimes be selfish and entitled, this was not as prominent when it came to his friends. He cared enough about him that his concern was not faked and if he had advice to give, he would give it.

Even though he had asked, Josh was not entirely sure how much he was going to get out of Nell. Just as he was always 'fine' when someone inquired about his well-being, Nell never really seemed up for deep conversation. That was usually alright with him. He respected her right to privacy. Until now, when it was clearly bothering her enough to interfere with her daily life. He wondered vaguely whether the seemingly random bout of tears were a side-effect of the depression but could not say for sure. There were a great number of things that could cause a breakdown and he was not an expert on them. Nor was he an expert on Nell, even if he'd have enjoyed a little bit more of an understanding. His gray eyes were filled with a mixture of curiosity and concern—more of the latter as she got into her explanation. Her mother. Oh. He did not know a great deal about the relationship that his girlfriend had shared with the woman who'd given birth to her. He knew that Mia had abused her daughter and was even knowledgeable of a few vague descriptions thanks to the trial but she'd never discussed it with him beyond that. He listened wordlessly until she got to the end, not wanting to interrupt. Her sister was another person that Joshua knew next to nothing about. He knew that she'd died of an illness, a sickness, but didn't know enough about that to assure her she'd had no part in it. "Till passed from illness, right?" He wanted to make sure that he had his facts right. It had been Nell who'd told him but it was possible he'd understood her wrong. "How was that your fault?" He didn't say 'I'm sure it wasn't your fault' because he wasn't sure. Damn it. At times like these, he really wished he had more to go on.

Yet, despite his lack of knowledge, he found himself filled with a desire to learn it. He'd never really questioned Nell before. He'd asked her a couple of pointless things and had touched briefly on her relationship with her father when they were playing twenty questions but other than that he'd stuck to his usual habit of not asking personal things. This was different with Nell. He had a little rule in his own head—never ask things of others that he wouldn't answer himself. I have nothing to hide from her. It didn't mean that he expected her to tell him everything. He didn't. If Josh had felt himself entitled to her life story, he probably would have started digging into her history, her experiences, a lot sooner than now. He just wasn't a pushy enough person for that. It only meant that he didn't feel he had to limit himself with Nell. If she really doesn't want to tell me, that's her choice. But I want to know more than I do. It was this thought that nudged him forward. "What brought all this up?" It was a gentle question as he knew it might have been sensitive. "Was it the trial?" He couldn't imagine that spilling her story to the people in the courtroom had been very easy. He knew that he'd hate to put his experiences on display for other people to judge and form opinions about. He knew it bothered Nell because he'd seen the things that came of it—getting fired from Blackjack, for example. His girlfriend was strong but he figured there was no way it hadn't affected her.

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

It was strange, having Josh not state the option of going around. He always let her know that she didn’t have to tell him something if she didn’t feel comfortable. Usually she didn’t need someone to say that because she would lean on her excuse of ‘complicated’, like a pre-recorded message that she repeated over and over. But it was always nice to know that Josh was considerate in that way, that he never tried to pry. Now, it didn’t matter. Now, it wasn’t prying because all her emotions were rising to the surface like jetsam. It would take some time, because the only way she could even muster the composure to speak was by biting down on her knuckles. It helped bring her back to the present, take her away from thoughts of the past. But they would still be there. She couldn’t erase her life, even if she wanted to wash away all the things she didn’t like. No one could do that though. If humanity could, there may have been no pain and no sadness. Would it be a better world? I should stop thinking. Her brain hurt as she cried, and she leaned her head against Josh’s chest, using him for support as usual. Was it selfish to do this? To bring him down with her? But it hurts, she childishly defended herself.

He questions about Till—and even the questions were strange, the way he asked him—but she didn’t not shut it out, all the bad thoughts that her sister’s death brought. That was that problem in the first place, right? Her throat constricted as if rebelling against the thought of speaking her past aloud, so she paused hiccuping a few times. She’d never done this, talked bout the tough spots, the details. The reason she blamed herself for her twin’s death. “In the womb, I took nutrients that she was supposed to be getting. It happens with twins sometimes. Unequal placental sharing, it’s called." It was supposed to be a blessing, that even though the girls were born prematurely that they lived. With the percentage of one twin dying before birth, it seemed like they had good odds. "Tilly was born chronically ill and no one knew how to help her. So they didn’t.” She hated thinking about her sister’s sickness, how she had watched her die, and her lip trembled when she spoke. “Mama hated me because her daughter had to suffer like that. At least…that’s what I think.” That’s how I want to make sense of it. She couldn’t ever know what made Mia the way she’d been, and so she was trying her best to rationalize it. Nell knew she couldn’t control something like that, but it didn’t lessen the guilt because that wasn’t the only way in which she’d hurt her sister. She was a murderer from the womb. And Mia never let Nell forget it, that Tilly had been her favorite and that it was the other twin’s fault that she’d died so young. It would have been better if I’d been the one who died. No, the tears weren’t anywhere close to stopping, they just kept coming. Because she was now thinking of how her lack of existence would have been better for everyone she’d loved. Her mother had liked to remind her of that.

Nell kept rubbing at her face with a fist, not bothering to stop the tears before they fell. She couldn’t do that, so she was just going to deal with them. And the hiccuping. And the shaking. And the lovely benfits that came along with emotional distress. ”Mhmm…” she mumbled. Moving her hand away from her face she said a more coherent, ”Yeah.” The trial had certainly been the start of it. She had been forced to think about things she had ignored for years, that she had quite literally repressed and forgotten. Nell hadn’t realized how unhealthy doing that was, but she’d never been taught how to cope or deal with things. Children with good parents would have been taken to some kind of counselling after their sibling died, would have been provided comfort and care, would have been taught the right lessons. There was a time when her father tried, but then it all went to shit and Nell was forced to figure out things without the guidance of family. She’d decided on repression. ”Sometimes it’s hard,” she whispered. ”I’m sorry.” She felt bad for using him as a buffer for everything that scared her, and using him as a pillow to cling to. It was better than being alone, a feeling that was unfortunately prominent for her lately. Even though she had Josh, she couldn’t stop it sometimes.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Though it may well have been selfish of Nell to drag him down with her, Joshua hardly took notice as she leaned against his chest, his arm still around her in a sign of comfort. He didn't care if she was using him as a sort of support, a source of stability. He welcomed that, actually. If he could even make things the slightest bit better with his presence then that was what he'd do. He didn't act as if he were uncomfortable with the tears even though they did make him feel a little out of place. Josh didn't want to give Nell any reason to pull away from him and shut herself down again, close herself off from him. He wanted to hear what was wrong so he sucked up his own problems to better deal with hers. Sometimes he was amazed at himself for how much he put up with when it came to Nell. They weren't even sleeping together, so he couldn't even blame his hormones for the patience and perseverance he had in a relationship. Not that he thought himself as someone so terrible that he could do no good, he was just surprised at how long this had lasted without his giving up. Heck, he was almost proud of himself for it. Nell was worth sticking around for even if she wasn't putting out, that was what he kept telling himself. And during moments like this where she looked so vulnerable and he wasn't deterred by it, well, it enforced that thought. He just hoped that things would work out for the two of them in the end. It would kind of suck to devote all of his time and attention to a girl for over half a year only to have the relationship end on a rocky and unpleasant note. Don't think like that. He couldn't let his pessimism cloud his judgement.

It was rather depressing to hear her talk about how Till had died, mostly because of the tears and the fact he knew how much this was upsetting her. Not only that, but there was absolutely nothing he could do for her when it came to her deceased twin. He couldn't turn back time, he couldn't change anything. He had known that going into this—his objective was not to convince her that nothing was wrong in her life, he only wanted to give her some sort of outlet. He knew from experience that talking to someone you were close to could help. Nell had taught him that, actually. He'd never opened up to anyone about anything until he'd met her. So, in gratitude for that, he wanted to give her that same option. He wasn't going to use lies to comfort her but he truly believed that Mia had exhibited very poor judgement in the way she'd treated her healthier daughter. It wasn't Nell's fault she lived. "Tilly loved you, didn't she?" From the way Nell had spoke of her sister the few times she'd come up in conversation it had sounded as if the girls were quite close. He assumed that this wouldn't have rang true if Till had blamed her sister for her illness. Let's hope I'm not wrong. It would be rather awkward if he'd accidentally brought up some sort of internal crisis from the past. "Your mother was wrong," he said gently. "She was wrong to blame you for the things you couldn't control." Maybe the Earth girl knew this, maybe she didn't. Joshua was realising how little he knew about this entire subject. That was alright, though, because he was open to finding out. He wanted to better understand his girlfriend even when it came to the difficult subjects like this.

It bothered him slightly when Nell apologised. What was she even apologising for? Her sadness, the tears, for using him as a source of support? Joshua regretted none of this and wasn't going to deny Nell a shoulder to cry on literally this time, at least not if that was what she needed. It was the least and really the only thing he could do. He wished it were possible to go back and alter Mia's thoughts, to make her love her daughters equally so that Nell could have grown up and had a normal childhood. Even if Till had still died, Mia's attitude probably would have changed a lot of things. He couldn't say for sure, of course, but it sounded like it. "Don't apologise," he scolded, but his tone was still soft. "I understand that it's hard, Nell. Don't worry about it. I'm here for you." His lips twitched into the slightest of smiles—the gesture was sad, but in a sympathetic sort of way. He wished there was more he could do than just offer his support. Still, there were so many things that he wondered about. It probably wasn't the right time to be asking questions and interrogating her, in a sense, but he wanted to understand so that he could really get why she felt the way she did. He understood on a basic level but he wanted more than that. "You don't deserve to suffer for this any more than you already have." He thought of her father and how he'd been of some help when Nell was panicking over the idea of turning into the very woman who'd tried to kill her. "Why didn't your father help you? When he was around, I mean." It seemed unfair to let Nell suffer the effects of Mia's illness.

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

For some reason, him asking her if Tilly loved her struck a chord and let out a gasp, burying her face in her hands and taking a moment or two to recover. She pulled her head up and smiled wanly. ”God, I hope so,” she said, her tone strained. I just want it to stop, I just want to forget. But it never worked like that, even when she tried. It just kept coming back like this, so Josh had to deal with her rampant emotions. ”But I have to wonder,” she said softly, almost a whisper, ”if she ever resented me.” Neither of the girls had what they wanted—for Tilly, it was her father’s love. When she’d told her sister that she’d wanted to become a scientist, Nell knew why. She yearned for the same approval that Nell desired from their mother. She wondered if Tilly ever felt the same envy that she felt toward the younger’s relationship with their mother. But she did know that she would have done anything for Tilly. But I didn’t. I let her die. All she wanted to think of was how the girl seemed content when she passed, but even that brought back memories that were hard to bear and she let the tears freely fall. ”She didn’t think so,” Nell said, fatigue apparent in her voice. She wanted to fall asleep right against him, but until she stopped crying, she didn’t think she had a chance. ”She probably sympathized with Tilly more because she understood…her sister hurt her too.” Could Mia ever have forgiven Jane, given the chance, for the fact that she just disappeared from her life? Nell didn’t know, and she didn’t want to think about possibilities that had no chance of happening anymore.

Nell really couldn’t help but to apologize, and her gaze met his as she blinked, feeling the droplets clinging to her eyelashes. It wasn’t fair, and she felt like she was using him, even though the reason she even felt comfortable to talk to him like this was because she loved him. Nell wasn’t using him—she wanted his happiness, she wanted his smile, even if she couldn’t do that for him. That thought convinced her to stop beating herself up about this, even though the tears were still making their paths down her cheeks. She looked away. ”Okay.” But she felt like she was always apologizing because she always seemed to have something to be sorry for. She was used to it, and she really shouldn’t have been thinking about how she’d apologize to her mother all the time, and begged, and screamed—and…Suffer? Nell really didn’t think she’d suffered as much as Mia and Tilly. She didn’t think she ever would, and she was glad. Still…the pain never stopped. ”I don’t think I’ve really suffered enough,” she stated blindly. She had killed her mother, and sometimes it felt worse that she’d gotten off for it. She deserved punishment, shouldn’t she? Where were the Furies to her Orestes?

She bristled at his question, unable to sort through the emotions that it brought about. ”I don’t know,” she said in a teary, desperate voice. ”Cause he was scared?” Nell ran er fingers through her hair, trying to reign in her emotions. She tried not to apologize again before she spoke next, but she took a couple of deep breaths to stop it. ”The first time I asked him for help was the day he left.” She still didn’t understand, even when he explained that he knew he was going to live. Did she just give him a reality check? Did he really mean he was sorry when he hugged her and left for work, or was that his way of trying to make what he was going to do better? She hugged herself, feeling more defenseless than ever. ”He was good to me when he was around, though. He tried.” But he never actually did anything, and he ignored Tilly. She shook her head, the next words tumbling out. ”I really shouldn’t be bothering you with all this.” He didn’t need to know about her family’s past dynamic, the precarious scaffold that their life had been built on. About how the people she loved tend to just disappear from her life, and how every instance had been her fault. She’d esssentially killed her sister, her father apparently left when she gave him a good verbal slap, and she’d murdered her mother. It was not fair to Josh to see the cracks.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua cringed involuntarily when he heard her gasp, feeling the guilt as he realised his question had brought this on. He almost found himself taking it back and insisting that she didn't have to answer, that he'd spoken too soon. It was what he'd usually have done. Josh was such a secretive person that interrogating someone about their own life was hard for him. He was curious, yes, but he hated to pry. This was a worst case scenario for him—he was actually convincing himself to ask Nell things and it seemed to be making the problem worse. You're terrible, you know that? At the same time, Josh could not bring himself to retract the painful inquiry. He wanted to know these things. It might have been a terrible time to ask but he believed that his heart, at least, was in the right place. It was better to ask when she was already a little upset than to wait until she was completely whole and happy to spring something on her, right? It didn't sound nice no matter what way he phrased it in his mind but he still didn't amend his words. She answered him after a moment and his gray eyes were soft as he listened. He couldn't sympathise with her on a literal level seeing as they'd grown up very differently but the empathy was there. "Maybe she did, if only a little," he replied, not wanting to tell lies as usual. "It's a natural reaction, after all. Did you ever feel like that toward her?" He didn't know how Nell felt about Till despite the guilt over her death and an obvious affection, it was just leading into his next words. "Let's just say you did—it wouldn't mean you didn't love her, right?" He hoped that even in her grief she could grasp what he was trying to say.

Though his own feelings for his father created a basic sense of understanding as to how a relationship between a parent and their child could exist even though abuse, he still found it hard to see things from the perspective of Nell's now-deceased mother. He did not know how Jane had hurt Mia (it had obviously been in a different manner than Nell and her twin) but that changed little in his mind. It was still wrong. He'd heard about psychology dictating that people would do to others what had been done to they themselves but that didn't make it any better. In the end, Nell had been abused. He didn't care if there was a reason for it, it had still happened. "It's still wrong," he restated. "And no, Nell, you have suffered enough. You shouldn't have suffered at all. None of this was your fault." For once, the anger was not there in his tone as he stressed the words. He wasn't upset with her—it was very hard to get angry at the girl when she was crying and looking so absolutely defeated. Life had been a right bitch to her and he really couldn't see what she'd done to deserve it. "Your mother was ill, too." Granted, it hadn't been the sort of 'illness' Till had died from but it had still affected her based on what he'd learned and researched. "You couldn't have prevented that any more than you could have prevented something that happened before you were born." He was sure Nell hadn't had any conscious thoughts in the womb about how much she wanted to deprive her sister of life. That was absurd. Of course, he also understood on a basic level that experiencing something was different than hearing about it. He'd likely have seen the situation a lot differently if he had went through it himself.

His throat seemed to close up when she told him that her father had left on the same day that she'd asked for his help. What an absolutely terrible thing to do. It disgusted him and even though he had gotten to a level with Leon where he didn't exactly hate the man, this realisation would have liked to change his mind. He took a deep breath in an attempt to quell his rage, not wanting it to bleed into his reactions toward Nell and have him take his anger out on her. She was already upset and he sure as hell didn't want to start snapping at her during her breakdown of sorts. He was searching his brain for some way to comment on her father's poor parenting skills when she basically apologised again, though not using the actual words 'I'm sorry' to do so. He bit his tongue for a moment. Don't get angry. Stay calm. Fuck, was it ever difficult. "I asked you," he pointed out, relieved to hear that it was not evident in his tone. He was not angry at Nell herself but rather at all the horrible and unfixable things that seemed to have happened in her lifetime. How was all this fair? "You are not bothering me, Nell. I love you, okay? I want to hear about things like this." Even if they frustrated him a little—and really, what didn't frustrate the boy?—Josh was being sincere when he said this. He brushed his hand against her cheek. "You can tell me anything, Nell. I won't judge you for it."

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

She looked at him askance, the guilt swelling up. Would he think her a terrible sister if she admitted to it? He had Annabel, did he ever feel the same way with her, like he wasn’t good enough compared to her? It’s different with idenitical twins. Maybe that’s why it was hard for her—she looked exactly like Tilly, and she had done nothing wrong to her mother. So why did she deserve it? ”I guess…I was jealous of her relationship with our mother. And she must have been jealous of mine with our father’s.” Their parents could have done so much better, she knew this. They shouldn’t have played favorites. Their life wasn’t fair, but it was something they’d accepted, because what else could they do? They were children. ”Do you ever feel that way? Toward Annabel?” She wanted to know if what she felt for her sister sometimes—when Mia held her, and sang to her, and smiled at her—was something Josh could relate too. So she wouldn’t feel so ashamed about being envious of her dying twin. ”I should have…done something.” It wasn’t like Tilly could have been helped, or that Mia was any danger to her, or that she should have had to bear a responsibility like that. But she still felt like Tilly had deserved better in her short life. She didn’t even get to see the ocean. She ducked her head, bangs falling into her face as she took a shuddering breath.

It was difficult—after years of her mother’s influence—thinking that she didn’t deserve what had happened. And she wanted to tell Josh that she wasn’t just being hard on herself, that she wasn’t completely innocent in everything that had happened. She was ill, but I didn’t help in that. I never made it easier. The tears continued to fall, and it was almost a chore to speak. ”It wasn’t like I never acted out for attention, or did stupid things so that she’d notice.” She wasn’t trying to justify her mother’s actions, so she said in a shaky voice, ”It didn’t make she did right, but it didn’t make it completely unjustified. In her eyes, at least.” But she really didn’t help her mother with the way she behaved, even when she was being helpful and cooking and cleaning and staying silent. Because through it all, she always loved Mia. Even when she felt violated, and torn apart, and damaged. A child always loves her mother. Always. There were times she felt more fear and she felt that hate and anger, but love was prevelant. Maybe if she hated the woman, the taking of her life wouldn’t have affected her so much. No, she couldn’t even say that. She would have been affected either way.

She didn’t recognize Josh’s anger, since he gave no apparent signs. Plus, it was the past. Something her father did long ago that had taken her a while to forgive him for. Sure, every time she thought about it, she felt the bitterness and the anger and the betrayal. They had played favorites, she was her father’s favorite and he left her. She was his favorite, and apparently she hadn’t been good enough for him, good enough to save. Nell glanced at him again, and he mentioned the fact that he had asked her. But what if I say something that makes you doubt me? It was hard to get rid of the guilt that she’d harbored for for years. It was hard to believe that Josh could deal with her as she was sniffling and crying and being a hot mess. There was nothing she could say to that because it was completely new. Who wanted to hear about a past like that? The judge and jury. But this was different. She’d never gotten close enough to anyone to tell them anything. So she couldn’t help but think maybe she should stop speaking, stop telling her boyfriend what was on her mind. Nell bit her lip when she felt his hand against her face, ”You really sure?” She’d been judged a lot in her life, and she’d been told by her mother for years that she wasn’t worth anything. Not when she was Nell. Not when she was the bad daughter. Her feelings and her thoughts didn’t matter, and she’d adjusted herself to it. She wouldn’t tell anyone else, but she knew that she should trust Josh—he was being honest in that he wouldn’t judge her for anything. He didn’t even judge her for being a murderer, and she wondered how far she could bend this before it snapped. What if one thing she said ruined it? She wiped away a tear when she said, "I don't want to scare you." Her past was scary enough to her she believed it may be reason for someone to stop speaking to her altogether. Even her boyfriend.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Though Joshua saw Nell as an overall good person, it didn't really surprise him that she'd felt some sort of jealousy toward her sibling. In his mind it made sense to desire that sort of close relationship with a parent who rejected you because, however indirectly, he could relate to that. Donovan had not abused him—not until Josh took things to the extreme with his violence and anger—and he hadn't neglected him as Mia had Nell, but there was still that inherent desire to belong. To be accepted. And so when Nell questioned him, his lips twitched ever so slightly. "Sometimes," he admitted. "Dad was pretty hard on me growing up. I guess he wanted things I couldn't give him. He never really focused on what I could do, it was always what I couldn't—Annabel never got any of that." He had never really told anyone about the jealousy he'd had toward Annabel, nor had he confessed any sort of fear when it came to his little sister. But he still remembered being seven years old and being absolutely terrified that his parents were looking for a replacement. Oh, the mind of a child. "I still do feel like that sometimes. It's easier to ignore, now, but it's there. She doesn't make the stupid mistakes that I do so she's never been thrown out of the house or hit or anything like that. But I still love her. She's my sister. That doesn't go away, no matter what." The bond of siblings was something that was quite hard to break. "Everyone thinks about themselves sometimes, Nell. Resentment may be stupid, childish, whatever you want to call it, but it's not criminal."

He had guessed a while ago that there was something troubling her, that she was depressed for some reason. It hadn't been hard to piece together, what with the aftermath of the trial and the fact that he'd found a bottle of Prozac on top of her not eating as much as she used to. Now he was hearing about the darker parts of her past that caused the sadness and it made him feel even worse about not being able to do anything. All he really could do was lend his support. Would there come a point where it wasn't enough? It was a question he often asked himself. He also hoped that Nell didn't try to do the selfless thing and leave him because it would do a lot more harm than good. The amount of times she'd insisted that she didn't want to burden him had instilled this concern. I want to help, though. So he shook his head at her comment. "You couldn't have," he insisted. "Your sister—I assume doctors looked into what it was that she had, right?" He paused for a moment and then continued, "If they couldn't have fixed it, there was no way you could have." He knew that all of this was common sense and that she likely knew it already but he stated it anyway, more for the sake of putting out his opinion and reassuring her that not everyone saw her as some soulless monster that had slowly sucked the life from the only family she had. He could sort of see where she was coming from—her twin had been born sick, her father had left, her mother had died by her own hand—but as usual he disagreed with the judgements she placed upon herself.

Nell acted out? He had understood and had not been taken aback by the resentment and jealousy but to hear that she'd actually done things for attention was a little surprising. After all, Mia had abused her. He understood that now. He couldn't grasp why someone would purposely put themselves in the line of fire for attention if the attention that they did end up getting happened to be negative. However, he wanted to phrase any questions carefully so that it didn't sound like he was belittling her or calling out any sort of idiocy. "Why?" he asked, genuinely confused. "If it only made things worse, why would you...?" His tone was soft and the question a tad hesitant, as Josh realised he might be stepping some sort of boundary by this point. He'd never asked her so many personal questions in one sitting before and he didn't want to risk a backlash. What if she got angry with him for being so nosy? They were both secretive people—maybe it was why they clicked so well, maybe not, but he just hoped she wouldn't hold it against him. He knew that he'd answer questions if she asked them of him but he also understood that they were not completely alike. Maybe Nell saw things different. "You're right," he agreed, not wanting to cause a misunderstanding. He still didn't believe Mia had any right to abuse her daughter. "It doesn't matter if you acted out, Nell. Most kids do—I'm pretty sure Annabel's done it more than once and I know I have—but it doesn't give our parents a right to mistreatment." Most parents would just ground their children or call them out verbally for a while, maybe send them to bed early. Abuse was an extreme, and it was illegal for a reason.

He was a little exasperated by her constant hesitance but he forced himself not to let it show. He couldn't help that frustration shortened his patience by a vast amount but he could stop himself from causing issues with his girlfriend because of it. Nell was good for him in that sense, she soothed the anger where most people couldn't. Maybe it was the fact that he loved her, he wasn't sure. "I'm positive, I promise." Depressing as it was, he knew that it was good for them both to discuss things like this. He liked knowing what was wrong so that he could really say he understood when and why she was upset. He didn't like being in the dark. And if Nell trusted him enough to tell him, well, why not? "Scare me?" he repeated, then actually chuckled a little. "No offence, Nell, but if I were that easily scared I'd have been out of here a long time ago. Think about it, really." Wanting to give some sort of evidence to back it up, he added, "I knew about your mother and the trial before I asked you out. It's not like I conveniently forgot about it when we were sitting in Tim Hortons, I just didn't care." He hoped that she understood—he cared about the fact that it was an issue for Nell and he certainly understood it was a serious issue, but he hadn't let it get in the way of his feelings for her. "You won't frighten me off."

[NELL DOE DALE]

IT'S HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN

* WHEN YOU'RE OLDER ,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

Nell understood that every sibling relationship was different, and that maybe Josh couldn’t relate. She’d never had a little sister—Tilly could be considered one, but that was only a short space of time—or an older brother. So it surprised her that he said he could, and selfishly she was glad he had those problems. She was a bitch for it, but it comforted her to know that she hadn’t been a terrible sibling. Because it was obvious to anyone who met the Dale siblings how much they cared for each other. Would it have been obvious between Tilly and I? They were always pretty much clinging to each other, as close as they must have been in the womb. But shouldn’t twins be treated equally? They had the same DNA, the same genes, but different personalities. And she guessed that’s why parents treated every child differently. That was okay, though. What her parents did was love one sibling more than the other. For Josh…she supposed with his father that a son would have a different relationship. Weren’t sons expected to be carbon copies of their fathers? Daughters were supposed to be the father’s baby girls. Nell had asked her father if he’ dever loved Tilly, and he said that of course he did. She didn’t believe him. ”I just hope her love was stronger than her resentment,” Nell murmured into her fist. She had made her sister smile, so that’s what she hoped. That like with Josh and Annabel, their parents’ love didn’t effect their love for each other. Sibling rivalry hadn’t existed between the two, after all.

The girl couldn’t have stopped the illness, couldn’t have saved her sister, but she could have taken action. Because the adults in her life weren’t good at being adults, and the burden was forced on her. Tilly wasn’t a burden. Never a burden. The girl had been the best part of Nell. ”I could have given her a better childhood.” She had the power to tell someone, to sneak out of the house and run to a neighbor, to someone, to the librarian who always asked her what book she wanted that day, complimented her on her choice… But her mother’s influence was a great and all-powerful thing. And asking someone she did trust had been a mistake. If my father didn’t want to help, who would? Who’d care about the poor treatment of two little girls living in the projects. “I knew it was wrong,” she mumbled. ”How Mia was raising us.” Even the love she gave Tilly was twisted and warped, even though she never laid a hand on the girl. She just never gave either of them the childhood they should have had. And in her head, that was the best for both of them. She’d seen the worse of the world, and in her way she wanted to protect both of them. Nell hated this understanding she had, it made it harder for her to distance herself from her mother.

She stayed silent for a long while, her short breaths the only sounds she was making. Nell became aware that she was shivering, because her mind was pushing against the furthest barriers, the place still kept under lock and key that held all of the physical pain she had experienced by Mia’s hand. Her expression was blank when she finally spoke up, ”It was the only time she called me Nell.” Her voice was listless. ”I was the one she spoke to then.” Any attention was good attention. She had not been a masochist, she had hoped many times over that maybe once Mia would wrap her arms around her daughter, and kiss her hair, and say that it was all right. That never happened. Nell remained quiet as Josh spoke again, wanting to crawl in herself and curl up into a ball. She wanted the tears to stop, and now she wanted the thoughts of her mother to go away. There was no way she could respond to Josh, because he was right. A mother should never lay a hand on her child—Nell knew that. She knew everything that had been wrong with her situation. But she sympathized with her mother more than she wanted to. She understood that something had broken in the woman’s head, that something she couldn’t repair had been done to her. Nell couldn’t hate her for that. It wouldn’t have been right to hate someone so…traumatized.

Even though Josh was fine with hearing this things—please let him be honest, I don’t want this to be a mistake—it was harder for her to talk about them. She felt like she’d talked too much, and was very tired now. Down to the bone, to the core of her existence. But she felt a little better. Even though it was bad of her, she didn’t feel like she had to bear the burden of her past alone. So you’re going to shove it all on Josh? Nell kept telling herself over and over that he doesn’t mind, that what he was saying was true. And he told her that he wouldn’t be scared away. ”I guess I should be putting more faith in you,” she murmured, noticing that the tears were stopping, slowing. It was also unfair of her to be doubting Josh, that somehow he wouldn’t be capable of handling her and her issues. He was right. He’d asked her out knowing what she done, had wanted to be with her, and she let herself be comforted by that. He’d been through a lot with her, and gave herm ore than she’d ever gotten from even her own parents. She just needed to trust him. And it was nice, to rely on him when she was breaking down.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Trying to get a better idea of how strong Nell's feelings in the situation were, Joshua dared himself to imagine a life where Annabel resented him for some reason. Does she, I wonder? After all, he was the one set to inherit the money, the house, basically everything that his father owned. She'd never expressed any sort of desire for it or any jealousy toward him for what he had, but now Josh wondered if it was possible. He supposed he'd never know, as he wasn't going to bring it up with the girl in case it caused her to think about it more often. She was only twelve years old, albeit almost thirteen. Perhaps it just hadn't come to mind yet. "I'm sure it was," he said, speaking more in a reassuring tone than a certain one. He was confident in that the twins' love for one another was probably stronger than any sort of jealousy but he could not be one hundred percent sure. Thinking of his baby sister, though, and how he felt about her, he couldn't imagine it being any other way. His smile was a little wan as Nell continued. "You can't say for certain," he replied. "Don't lament the things you couldn't change." Maybe she could have helped Tilly. He wasn't entirely positive about this, either. He hadn't lived their live and their experiences, hadn't even been standing on the sidelines through it all. He was receiving all of this second-hand through Nell herself, like piecing together a puzzle with a lot of bits still missing. At the same time, he'd learned the hard way that wishing things to be different did not make them so. Sometimes he regretted running away at ten, but, well, it had happened. "You can't turn back time, Nell. You're only human."

It was rather heart-wrenching to take in her listless tone. Though previously he'd offered arguments and reassurances, there was nothing he could think to say to that. It was so awful and sad that he was actually rendered speechless for a moment, though he had spoken true the many times he'd told her it would take less than a traumatic past to deter him. Words couldn't do anything for either of them at the moment and so he just chose not to speak them. She acted out so her mother would recognise her as herself. That's... terrible. He couldn't put himself into that situation mentally. He could relate on some aspects but that was such an alien concept to Joshua that nothing he'd gone through spoke that sort of volume. The gang had been terrible in the way they'd used him like a pawn and pretended to be his friends, but they had not been someone as close as his mother. He couldn't fathom what sort of childhood he'd have led if Donovan and Trish had been even half as bad as Mia. He hoped that Nell didn't take his silence the wrong way, as he did not shift in his position or seem in any way deterred. He was just a little overwhelmed by everything she'd told him in such a short space of time. "I'm just glad she can't hurt you any more than she has," he said softly, and resolved not to ask any more questions for the night. Nell had slowly seemed to shrink back into her shell and Joshua understood this to be too far. He was glad that she hadn't absolutely repelled him and so he wouldn't push the boundaries any further.

His smile came a little easier as she mumbled something about having faith in him. "Better late than never," he said, pulling her closer and brushing his lips against her hair. He was glad to see that the tears were starting to slow and thus he didn't feel the need to continue the conversation, content to sit there with her and offer his now-silent support and stability. Nell was one of the stronger people that he'd met in his lifetime but he didn't mind being a source of strength when she wasn't quite as composed. He loved her, as stupid as it sometimes seemed. Of all the girls he could have landed himself with, he ended up with the one who was most traumatised, most broken, most... well, she had a lot of baggage, that was for sure. Even still, Josh wasn't ready to give up just yet. He'd already supported her through a war and a murder trial, this depression—or whatever had caused the breakdown—was just another milestone for the pair of them. The thought might have made him laugh if the situation were different. Most couples count their relationship in months and years. We've got court cases and shitty pasts to get through. How fun. He made a mental note to keep up his subtle boosting of her self-esteem, though, as the rest of her experiences didn't seem to be helping it. Her own mother didn't tell her she loved her, I've got a hell of a lot of making up to do. The sarcastic thoughts weren't exactly pleasant but he didn't hold it against Nell. He could handle it. If he'd gotten this far, he had faith in himself at least.