* little talks, [devin]

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell didn’t really know why, but she liked the beach. Maybe it was the fact that her sister had once told her she wanted to see the ocean, and the lake was pretty damn close. The girl wished she could have give her sister that chance, she wished she could have made everything for her sister come true. This is what occupied her mind lately—regrets. Inside, when left alone, to her own devices, she beat herself up. She was doing it right now, as she walked along the beach. She’d convinced herself to go outside and get some exercise. Nell knew it was bad to sleep all day, but it was what she wanted to do. That way, she didn’t have to beat herself up.

She looked out at the expanse of water, which really did look like the ocean. It was somewhat calming, and she didn’t feel like she had to focus on the sickness in her stomach that was always there, that she didn’t know what to do about. The counsellor had given her Prozac, but she hated taking drugs, hse was becoming just like her mother. Depression was apparently a common thing in her family, and that was frightening to think of. One day, she might become like all the Sinclairs that came before her, and she would be continuing the cycle of insanity and violence. She used to be able to control these sorts of thoughts—no longer would she be successful at avoiding everything. Nell was too tired to do that anymore.

The girl stopped walking when she felt the phone vibrating in her pocket. ‘Dickhead’ announced that it was her father. She sighed, finally giving in and picking it up. ”Hey,” she said softly, looking up at the pale sky. Winter was not a good season for her, even when she had a nice and warm hoodie on. ”How have you been, mija?” Her lips twitched into a somber smile. It hurt, talking to him, and she didn’t know why. ”Good,” she said, and then paused. ”You?” He took a moment as well, before telling her, ”I’ve been doing fine.” It was strange, her not feeling any kind of anger or bitterness toward the man. Only sadness. And she couldn’t identify exactly what was going on. ”What did you call for?” she asked, and even this wasn’t bitter. Simply curious. ”I haven’t talked to you in a while, I was wondering if you want to stop by.” Another silence, and she kept her gaze on the lake. ”Maybe tomorrow,” she said, even though it was clear in her voice that she wasn’t counting on it.

They bid each other farewell and hung up, and she didn’t know why she wanted to cry. She wasn’t a crying person, but everything was changing now. Clinical depression. Nell almost grimaced, thinking of the word. Instead of walking any further, exhaustion claiming her entirely now, she plopped down in the sand and felt the coldness even more now that she wasn’t moving. She thought about her sister again, and instead of the good memories, she was consumed by the regrets and mistakes. I could have fixed everything. But it wasn’t right, she was just a kid, she didn’t know what to do. The world had been on her shoulders, and no child should have to deal with that. Nell didn’t realize this. All she knew was that her mother had gotten to her, and she didn’t know how to repair all the damage that woman had caused. The scars would fade, but would her words ever be forgotten? ”You only have yourself to blame,” her mother had told her sternly after León had left. From then on, the girl had blamed herself for everything.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

A lot of people tell you that being outside in nature is good for you. They say that keeping your body moving releases tension, stress, anger, and sadness because of the positive hormones pumping through your body as you move about your daily routine. Some people exercise, some people draw, some people sang; they used different means to deal with their stress. Devin was a lazy bum, and even he knew it. There was not much to be done about getting the boy motivated to do something productive unless it was absolutely necessary. Nothing was every truly necessary unless you deemed it to be so. Like today, Devin could not get his mind off of things. It was jumbled and knotted and nothing made sense. Autumn’s face continually flashed in his mind, and no matter how many times he tried to push it away it came back time and time again. He did not understand. If he felt that this girl was destined to find herself a better guy, why did he feel a pang of jealousy at the mere thought of seeing her with someone else? It made his heart twist a little as he imagined some amazing guy walking into her life and just sweeping her away. Autumn would no longer be interested. The thoughts were nearly maddening. It got to the point where the lazy blonde decided to take action and clear his mind.

The weather was very unforgiving, the winter weather cold and biting against his skin. But he did not care. His tennis shoes scuffed over the pavement as he ran down the street, his bare chest absorbing the cold like a sponge. Devin would do anything to focus on something else other than the blonde girl that haunted him in both consciousness and in sleep. He never felt this way before. It was disturbing, yet something he was waiting to feel for a long time. As the boy exhaled, a wisp of hot air brushed past his face; the cold was relentless, but Devin could have cared less. In all actuality, it was helping, and he was not going to stop now. Rounding a corner the beach came into view. The waves were non-existent and the water smooth as glass as he slowly approached the sand. She needs to move on. Devin told himself, trying to push all of it on the poor girl who he so horribly crushed after she admitted to liking him. There were a lot of girls that came up to him and said the same thing. It was normal for the blonde to get these sorts of confessions, even from girls he barely knew. He would brush them off and apologize, telling them that he was not interested like that and they should find someone else. Now…now it was different. It bothered him to tell Autumn no, and he was still regretting every moment of it. He felt even worse, however, knowing he slept with Harley.

It was all a game. Or, at least it was supposed to be. But after all of the stress at home, and with girls in general (especially after Marianna, then Autumn) it built up and he needed a way to relieve the tension. Fortunately for him, Harley felt the same way. It was a hell of a night, but that was exactly what it was. A night. He wanted someone there for more than one night. Someone that he could have every night she wanted to be there, and just hold her close. To enjoy the company. Autumn deserved it. She deserved good things, like someone who could offer more than he could. That was why all of this bothered him so much. If I know I’m no good for her, then why won’t this go away? Within a few minutes Devin’s feet carried him into the sand, the particles flying up around his feet as he took off down the shore. His body was numb by now, but that was of no concern to him. This was washing away all of the anxiety he felt welling up within in his heart. However, the boy’s momentum began to give way as a familiar female sat in the sand up ahead. Devin furrowed his brows for a moment as though trying to comprehend who it might be, but there was no way anyone else had that hair-do. At least, anyone he knew. “Nells?” His voice was soft so he did not startle her. The momentum gone, Devin placed his hands on his hips and breathed rhythmically to keep his heart rate from fluctuating too drastically after stopping so abruptly. “What are you doing out here? By yourself? Not safe.”

After a moment, his breathing went back to normal. Quickly Devin reached into his back pocket and yanked out his shirt, sliding it over his body before taking a seat next to his friend. “What’s wrong? Is…everything okay?” His voice was laced with concern as he nestled his rear end into the sand to get comfortable. If she was out here alone and he was taking a run in the freezing cold weather, then obviously they both had something on their minds. He was not sure if he would be able to help his friend in any way, but he was sure as hell going to try his best. After all, they came first. Always.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell certainly hadn’t been expecting anyone out there today. One of the reasons that she chose to come out here, maybe. Usually, she surrounded herself with people. If she was alone, she thought, and her thoughts usually led to bad places. Lately, she always thought, no matter who she was with. There was no escaping it, not like she used to. Before the trial, everything was kept locked safely in a box, hidden under a mattress in her mind. Repression suited her just fine. But after being on trial, after telling her grandfather about her life, after getting off for killing her mother…there were no more mental blocks in place. It all came out, and she was unprepared for it, didn’t know how to stop it. Nell couldn’t determine the exact moment she knew something was wrong. Maybe when she realized that jetlag only lasted for a day or two, and this feeling wasn’t going away with the many hours of sleep she put in. Nothing felt good anymore, and it scared her the more she thought about it. Terrified her, even. She wanted to feel good, it just wasn’t happening. And she didn’t know how to change it. Drugs, she thought wryly, and almost shook her head. But no, she already looked strange enough sitting alone on the beach.

The fact that it was an odd place to be at during the winter was why it surprised her when she heard a familiar voice. She blinked as she turned her head and saw a familiar blond. ”Hey, D,” she greeted with a smile, waggling her fingers in a wave. It had been a little while since she’d seen him, as with a lot of friends. Not only was it hard to keep in touch when not in school, but she had the trial, causing an absence explained as a ‘vacation’ for a week. ”Eh, just observing the scenery,” she said, casting her gaze back out to the lake. It was beautiful, especially with the landscape, but she couldn’t really tell him what had brought her out here. Was she lying, then? No, she hoped not. She hated lying, but then she realized that in pretending to be her usual self, she was doing just that. Her smile was wry when he said that it was not safe. ”Afraid of that lake monster, hm?” she joked lightly. Nell could convince all her friends that she was the same, that nothing had changed and she was cheerful as ever. Hell, she even thought she was convincing her boyfriend, unaware of the fact that such was not true. ”I think I’ll be all right,” she said softly.

He went to question if everything was okay, and she looked back at him. ”Nothing, I’m cool,” she said, blinking as if she couldn’t understand why he asked. She did a great job at acting, covering up. Of course, she was quick to move onto Devin, not only because she was interested in him, but because she wanted to stop her thoughts from focusing too much on herself. ”How about you? Why’re you out here in this lovely winter weather?” Her grin was wide, as sparkling. I’m happy. Maybe she could convince herself that she was okay, and that she would get over this hump in her life. In the end, it would all work out, right? It was rare for Nell to have optimism in herself, though. When it came to others—like Devin—it was easier to believe in their abilities. Because she loved them, and she was far from loving herself. There was a lot that she wanted to ask him, too, but she guessed that it could wait. She didn’t want to overwhelm the poor boy.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

It was strange, sharing similar personality traits with someone. Nell and Devin liked to smile and put on a good front, all for the sake of focusing on the other people in their life. It was not stupid; at least, not to him. Other people were more important than his own well being, and if it meant pretending he was okay, then that was fine by him. Although Nell never outwardly stated that she was the same way there were times when Devin wondered if there was more to her day than she was letting on. Like today. Enjoying the scenery was fine and well, but in the midst of winter on the beach? It seemed odd. That was merely a technicality; Devin was also out and about in this weather. He was not quite sure if their reasons were the same, but when she smiled and waved at him in her usual way it was possible that maybe she really was enjoying nature just as he also loved to do. But it’s winter. During the cold months, everything was lifeless and dead. The trees lost their leaves, grass died, and the animals went into hiding until spring arrived. He supposed the beach was probably the livelier choice because water could not die, but still. It nagged him.

“Hey,” He greeted, waving back. His eyes trailed from her sitting figure towards the water, his blue eyes distant and full of thought. “It is beautiful, isn’t it?” Better to play along with whatever it was she was doing to make her feel better; after all, trying to push for information might cause her to shut down and that was the last thing Devin wanted. He wanted his friends to feel comfortable talking to him when they felt it was necessary. That way, their friendship would remain strong and sturdy instead of a mere game of ‘nosy neighbor’. Nell always had a way to ease the mood, though, with her airy sense of humor and bright smile. It was soothing to the blonde. All of his friends had their own special qualities that made him admire them all the more; Nell’s was her ability to put the boy at complete and total peace just at hearing her voice. Was it because they were kindred spirits? Probably. They were a lot alike. The only difference was Devin had a habit of actually talking about his problems to people instead of locking them away all of the time. He would shove them off afterwards and focus on his friends, because that was just his nature, but keeping them in made it even harder to keep his attention on others. At her lake monster comment, Devin chuckled a little bit and wrapped his arms around his knees which settled comfortably against his chest. He heaved a sigh. “Yep, after my first encounter I just haven’t been the same.” Although the smile was very evident on his face, in his eyes there was a far-away glaze. His thoughts continued to rattle around in his brain. It made it hard to function properly.

“You think you’ll be alright? I mean, that monster is out there lurking somewhere…just waiting to strike. I should probably stick around for a few minutes to scare it off.” His smile became more genuine as he turned his head to look at Nell. If something was bothering her, she was doing a hell of job hiding it. It was not worth weaseling it out of her at this point. If she was content with it, then so would he be. Still, Devin’s protective tendencies would not allow him to just up and leave the girl to her own devices. The war may have been put to somewhat of a rest because of the break, but not everyone decided to leave things alone. He knew what their enemies were capable of; Devin would not give them a chance. The boy stiffened up a little, his sense on a higher alert after the thought crossed his mind. Her voice broke through his thoughts, startling him slightly. Nell seemed to dismiss his question all together with her short reply, but that was alright. At least she was not snappy, rude, or made a move to up and leave him sitting there by himself. That would have been a tell-tale sale something was wrong, but so far she did not reveal any sort of distress. With a brief shrug Devin released himself of the idea that Nell might be having a bad day. It was not worth dwelling on for too long, anyway.

However, it seemed that Nell decided to reciprocate his inquiries. Damn. The word continued to run through his mind as he turned his gaze towards the girl, trying to keep as straight a face as humanly possible. He did not want to burden his friend with all of these insecurities, doubts, frustrations, regrets…it was not necessary. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that holding it all in led him to take this wintry run in the first place. What sane person would go for a run in freezing temperatures without a shirt on? In fact, the boy wondered if there was any sanity left in him. The world was slowly pressing down on his shoulders, crushing him beneath the weight. He had to move it off somewhere, otherwise there was a chance he would snap and never be the same again. Devin did not want to lose himself and sink slowly into madness over Autumn. That simply would not do. “I’m…” How should he start? What was it that he wanted to say? “I’m miserable, Nells. Absolutely miserable.” Devin allowed his chin to rest on his arms, eyes closing momentarily to control the emotion on his face. It was hard. Autumn was slowly going to push away from him to find someone that was better; eventually he would not even exist to the girl. It tore him up inside, and he had no idea why. It was unexplainable. “Autumn confessed liking me a while back…at the time things were rocky with Marianna, and I pretty much crushed the girl’s heart. Normally I wouldn’t feel bad about it because I’m not a stationary guy,” Nell knew that Devin was a floater; he would go from one girl to the next, and if in a relationship the girl always did something to fuck him over. It never lasted.

“But…but I feel so…so guilty. I felt that Autumn deserved better than me. Someone who could offer her things she deserved…so I pushed her away. And now I can’t stop thinking about her.” He ran a hand through his hair to calm his nerves. “So I went out and tried to escape all of it, you know? Everything. In doing so…I wound up sleeping with Harley.” Devin’s eyebrows went up for a moment, and then his face dropped again as though in complete and utter despair. He buried his eyes into his arms and released a shaky sigh. “It felt good. But…I can’t get Autumn out of my head. She deserves such good things, and I can’t offer shit. No first kiss, no nothing. Why can’t I stop thinking about her…?” It was slowly driving him mad. He did not expect any sort of true response out of Nell; he was just talking and tossing the thoughts in his head out onto the sand before them. He kept his face hidden in his arms, the strength to look at Nell completely gone.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell leaned back on her hands, her eyes on the water. ”Yeah,” she said, a smile forming on her lips. It was a calm and peaceful day, but it seemed like all days were like that now. Just time flowing, mornings into evenings into another morning… Her life was unhurried now, almost as if she were stagnating. But when it came to how she was feeling, she didn’t know how to explain that. She didn’t feel peaceful, but she didn’t even feel depressed, either, despite what the doctor said. Nell mainly described it as lethargy and a simple kind of sadness. Her mind was taking thoughts and running with them so it came to the point where she didn’t feel like she was in control anymore. She wondered how Devin was feeling, and hoped he was doing better than her. But she realized that everyone had their problems and their darkness and no matter how much she’d like it, not everyone could be happy. That’s all I want. She just wanted for everyone around her to be happy and at peace, to be like the days in her life—calm and fluid. No, actually, her life was more apathetic than anything. How about you stop thinking about it? ”You know, I think they have groups for that,” Nell said, smirking. ”Get you some help, bro.”

Her eyes turned to Devin with a fearful look. ”Come to think of it…I did see a fin popping out of the water before you cam by.” She waved her arm as if to demonstrate. It said a lot that she was able to joke around when she felt this way. But depression didn’t work in the way that she was always sad and nothing could ever change her mood. There were moments—like when she was with her friends—that she felt good. Because she loved her friends, no matter what, and she cared about them. She’d give anything to see Devin happy. Depression couldn’t change that, it couldn’t take away Nell’s personality. ”Do you have a harpoon or something, just in case?” She smiled as she said this, her demeanor airy and light-hearted. She could do this, she could make it. When will I stop being so conscious of this? Nell didn’t know, and like most thoughts now, it made her sad to think of.

She noticed Devin hesitate before he answered, and she waited patiently. She was always patient, especially now. Her energy level certainly wasn’t the same, but as usual, it wasn’t anything her friends would notice. It literally pulled at her heart-strings when he did answer, though, her eyebrows furrowing together. That wasn’t something she liked to hear, of course, but she kept silent until he explained, lightly resting a hand on his arm. Apparently Autumn—the name sounded familiar, but she couldn’t put a face to it—had confessed her feelings to him, and usually that would have been a good thing. However, Devin had turned the poor girl down, it seemed. She believed she understood why. He didn’t want to be attached to one girl, so it might have been just instinct for him. There was something in her that told her exactly why he was telling her this, but she let him continue uninterrupted until she got the full story.

Nell did feel terrible for his friend, because she could tell that he really liked this Autumn girl, and yet…why did he feel like he didn’t deserve her? You have the same self-esteem issues, she thought. She could understand his plight. She always felt like she was bad for Josh, especially now. She was trying to pretend everything was normal, believing that he couldn’t even tell. Nell may have been selfish, but when it came to her relationship with Josh, she wasn’t willing to give it up, no matter how she felt about herself. He was good for her, and she hated herself all the more for selfishly clinging to that like a buoy. Her boyfriend meant the world to her, and she didn’t know whether she was good enough for him, especially thanks to all the shit he’d been through thanks to her. His girlfriend was a murderer, and he got kicked out of the house because of that, flew to New York just to see if she would make it. Nell understood Devin too well, and it broke her heart, her feelings more hypersensitive now than ever. She gave a half-smile when he finished. Why? ”You know what I think?” Nell said languidly. ”Autumn deserves someone who loves her. And I think you do love her, from what I heard. If you can’t keep her off your mind, then you probably need her in your life."

Love was a selfish thing, she was learning. It made people feel better, to have that other half, someone who understood them above all else. There was a connection that nothing could erase, not even the self-doubt that Devin was experiencing. ”I’m guessing you…uh, turned her down,” she said, looking into his eyes, her own brown gaze searching. Nell’s smile was languid when she said, ”But there might be a second chance.” It sounded like he regretted rejecting Autumn, and so Nell wanted to know if he believed there was a second chance. No matter what he believed, he deserved it. Devin always sold himself short, and so she said, ”Don’t ever think that you’re not good enough for her, D. Hell, you may be perfect for each other.” She was used to doing things like this, not only because she liked being a reliable friend, but because she was a bartender. It was a cliché, yes, but there was a reason for it—people liked revealing personal things when sitting at a bar, waiting on their drinks. Maybe that was why she actually enjoyed her illegal job.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

“Pah. I’m too tough to go to a group. I’m manly. I’ll battle my fear on my own,” Playfully, the blonde puffed out his chest and offered her a grin, trying to keep the mood light. It was hard for Devin; with all of the junk filtering through his subconscious, it really drove away from his focus on the discussion at hand. Why can’t I be all stoic and emotionless on the outside? That was Joshua’s job, unfortunately. He loved his best friend, but the guy had a very hard time displaying his emotions. He wondered how he and Nell got along with such a huge difference in personality. Devin and Joshua was one thing—they were best friends, and both were male. Josh and Nell’s relationship was obviously on a very different level. He understood that, and so decided not to voice his curiosities aloud. He silently hoped that his future relationship—if he could find one—was as sturdy as theirs. Devin felt envious, but it was a very light shade of green. It felt good to see them in a happy relationship. His expression became slightly more amused as she made a fin like movement with her arm; it was times like these that were worth taking his time out for. No matter how down and out he felt, Devin knew his friends would always be there for him in the end. Even Josh, though it is rarely stated aloud. His eyes revealed a smile before his lips did as he allowed himself to laugh. “Don’t worry Nell. I’ll protect you. My skin-tanium armor is impervious to anything the lake monster can toss at us. No harpoons needed.” The boy deflated his chest and looked back out over the water, his gaze becoming placid and the smile dimming into more of a partial frown.

The humor slowly faded into the background as he was overwhelmed with his musings once again. They were damn near impossible to get rid of, and it was beginning to agitate him. Why did Autumn mean so much to him now? Wouldn’t he have felt something sooner? Devin felt blind, ignorant, and stupid. Was it because he deemed her a close friend, and it was hard to see past that and towards what was truly there? Devin tilted his head a bit in self-agreement. That was possible. Or maybe it was because she never expressed interest in him, and it led him to believe that there would never be any chance. Well, now you have no chance you dumb ass. He could not be sure how deep the cut ran for Autumn, and if he would have any chance in the future. It seemed bleak. She did not need someone like him. While he explained his problem to Nell, all she did was look at him and listen. How comforting it felt to be able to talk to someone who had such an understanding gaze. This was why Devin avoided talking to Josh about the problem—he needed someone a little more sensitive to discuss it with. Nell was the perfect one to talk to. Head buried in his arms, it took a moment for him to hear her reply. “Hm?” He piped up a little at her question. What was she thinking? Did she maybe have some sort of epiphany about this issue that he himself had not had? How unfair.

Turns out she did. The words that came out of the girl’s mouth were completely and totally unexpected, and set the blonde on edge. With a bemused expression on his face, he pulled his head up to look directly at Nell. His blue eyes searched her face for a moment or two; was she joking? Was this just some sort of random statement to throw him off? No. Nell would not do something like that. They loved to joke around and have their fun, but the expression on her face did not reveal anything. He blinked a few times, trying to register the words. Love… He rarely used it. For friends and family (aside from Lauren) there was no question about it. Devin always told his sister and aunt how much he loved them—hell, he loved Josh, and Nell too. They were like his family. With girls, however, that was a different story. It was a very strong bond, and an attachment Devin was not accustomed to. He never had that sort of attachment to anyone outside of his friends and family. But Autumn was a friend, too... Don’t be stupid. Nell did not mean it that way. After a moment of staring blankly at his good friend, Devin tore his gaze away from her and stared out at the water again. It was peaceful; a small breeze brushed past his face, eliciting a pleasurable twitch of the lips from the blonde. “You…you think I do?” His voice was wavering and unsure. Was that true? Did he? “I’ve never really loved someone like that. I don’t know what it feels like but…” Nell said that if he kept thinking about her then he needed the girl in his life. Devin already knew that he needed Autumn there. He needed her.

Needed.

Devin shuddered; whether it was from the cold or the realization, one could not be sure. “I…love her…?” Saying the words out loud; they felt good. It felt better than anything he’d felt in a long time. Better than all of his past relationships. Better than the one night stands. Better than…everything. “I love her.” Sighing, the boy chuckled as he exhaled, shaking his head a little. The thick fog in his head began to dissipate, but he was not yet out of the clear. Even so, he turned his gaze back towards Nell and smiled appreciatively, a faint but new light in his eyes. “You’re creeping me out Nells. Are you sure you don’t want to become a psychiatrist? You would be really good at it.” The conversation continued to drag onwards in regards to Autumn, but even so Devin felt a new burst of confidence, even though it was small. He wished that the tiny details were not so large, however. His smile faltered a bit when she mentioned him having a second chance. Devin felt he did not deserve such a thing. After the way he treated her and pulled her heart around, did he really worthy to have Autumn as his reward?

“I don’t deserve it Nell.” Was his flat and less than eager reply. “I would not be surprised if she slammed the door in my face. It would be warranted.” Devin anxiously fiddled with his fingers to keep from becoming overly emotional about it all. He loved Autumn, and he felt there was nothing to be done to change that. Now he would be the one chasing after her with no hopes of receiving any affection in return. He would be in the same place she was in. Either way, her complement brightened his spirits significantly. Devin would not be anywhere without friends like her, that was for damn sure. He would probably be in the loony bin by now. With a smile he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and rested his head against hers. It was like having an extra sister in his life. It was wonderful. “But…thank you. I guess we will see how it all goes, huh? Maybe everything will turn out to be okay.” Oddly enough, even though Devin said that to appease Nell, they were comforting to him as well. Maybe everything would turn out just right, and his life would slowly find balance in this world.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell watched as her friend seemed to deflate. Her expression was serious, but light-hearted in the way that it was hard for her not to look happy. It was her natural expression, she supposed, and she guessed she was lucky in that. Her laughter chimed as she said, ”I don’t think I can tell you that.” She’d abandoned her sober expression for one of happiness—Devin was in a dilemma and if she was going to be assuring, she wanted to do it right. She was used to this, after all, she liked this. Strangely enough, it was making her feel better. ”If it’s something new to you, and it’s not entirely a bad thing, then I’m almost postitive.” She understood how love could sometimes be bad—when faced with the possibility of losing Josh to the trial, loving him felt selfish and terrible of her. And love must have been hard for Autumn, too, since he feelings appeared to have been rejected. Love hurt, in the most cliché, horrible way ever.

She waited, Devin seeming to have come to a revelation. Or something. Focus on him, Nell. It had been her problems from the beginning, avoiding her problems, but she felt that she needed it right now to help her friend. Besides, before it had been pure repression—she was out of control now, and no matter how hard she tried to bury the memories and the thoughts and everything else, it was out of her hands. Nell blinked, resisting an outright grin by pulling down the edges of her lips. ”You never know,” she said. ”Though I have to say, don’t think I’d enjoy the sweaters.” Giving it a second, she amened, ”Nah, the sweaters are cool.” She had a history of odd outfits, as she was sure her boyfriend could remember the 1920’s golfing outfit she wore to the country club. However, despite her joking to make light of Devin’s issues, she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. She was scared to think about the future she now had, how much time she had. There were decisions she needed to make, about college and about her father about Josh about…life. It was too much to take all at once. ”I just want to help you out, D,” Nell said truthfully. There was really nothing else she wanted from the world other than others’ happiness. It was a part of the reason she actually didn’t think about her future too much—she still needed to pay attention to everyone else’s.

Still leaning back on her hands, she gazed up at the blank sky. ”Everyone deserves a second chance,” she murmured. Even her father. Ater twelve years, she’d given her father a second chance. A part of her wanted to tell Devin this in order to assure him, but the bigger part of her wanted to keep whatever she could personal. Even more so now, knowing just how many people knew details about her life she’d rather them not be aware of. She stopped herself from thinking too hard on that, because it always made her sicker than she already felt. ”Then don’t go to her door,” she said with a small grin. ”Stand outside her window with a boombox. Hey, I have one you can borrow.” Then, puhing all jokes aside, she told him, ”If she loves you, she’ll give you that chance. It may not be easy, but…” Nell shrugged. ”It never is.” Such was life, she supposed, and she had to wonder what she thought of the world anymore. Funnily enough, she thought it was great as usual. It was her that was the problem. She leaned into Devin, welcoming the comraderie. She sincerely hoped that she helped out her friend in some way. ”Of course it will,” she told Devin, always the optimism. Of course things would work out for him, and she would try her darndest to help it work out.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Devin knew that Nell could not feel for him—or rather, feel his feelings and try to understand what was running through his head. It was more of a rhetorical question than one he expected an answer for, but he was appreciative to have her conversing with him and guiding the thought processes in the right direction. He smiled at her faintly, emotions all in a knot. “I know you can’t. That would be freaky if you could, though.” If Nell had confirmed his feelings for Autumn without him saying so much as a word, Devin might wonder if she had some sort of magical powers that she kept a secret. That would have been amusing, actually. Subconsciously Devin was thankful for his sporadic rabbit trails that temporarily tore him away from the situation at hand. It was relieving to know that he was not crazy for feeling this way, but then again it made the poor boy anxious. Very anxious. What if she doesn’t love me back? It nagged at the back of his mind more times than he cared for, but no matter how many times he wished it away it continued to come back. What if it really was just a crush? Just a little silly crush that would vanish within a few days? Devin felt his face harden a little at the thought of loving someone that did not love him back. Then you’ll feel what she felt when you turned her down. In that moment, he resolved to keep his love for her hidden away. Devin would talk to her, tell her he likes her…but maybe admitting his love would scare her away. He could not handle that. Better to be ignorant and happy than knowledgeable and miserable. “Well, it’s a good feeling for sure. A very good feeling.”

Now that most of his emotional troubles were slowly sorting themselves out, Devin could finally heave a sigh of relief and truly enjoy the water and the silence around them. Maybe Nell really was taking in the sights, and nothing was wrong. He sincerely hoped so. He would feel awful if it was obvious and for whatever reason Devin did not take notice of her struggling with something. Mentally he shrugged—he trusted Nell to tell him if she needed something, even if it were ridiculous. That’s what friends were for after all. At her response Devin nodded and chuckled a little bit, now feeling as though he had the energy to laugh. “The sweaters are very nice. But you’re creative. I’m sure you come up with a whole new fashion idea and totally revolutionize the profession.” His hands splayed out before him for an extra dramatic effect before bringing them back around his huddled body. Being in a t-shirt in this weather was not exactly ideal. I should have thought about that before going on my run. In his emotional state, it would not have surprised him to come out of the house in just his boxers to go for said run. Lately everything was backwards; up was down, right was left, nothing made much sense. Until today. At least he did not take a run in his underwear. That would have been extremely awkward. Gently Devin nudged Nell. “You’ve helped me out just by being here. By existing. You are a good person.” He waggled his finger at her before she could object. “And I’ll keep telling you that, no matter what you say.”

They were both humble. Devin felt that he could always strive to be a better friend to those he loved and cherished—more observant, more loving, more sensitive, even if he was already excessive about all of the above. He had a feeling Nell acted the same way with her friends and family, even though it was not an official fact. Even though, like the current moment, Devin would release his emotions and thoughts, he would always go back to his state of normalcy and keep his feelings tucked away in lieu of keeping others happy. They always came first, even when it sounded like they didn’t. Like right now. It was people like Nell that deserved such things like ‘second chances’. Devin made a lot of bad choices. He slept with people he hardly knew, and people he knew really well (like Harley), he hurt people with his sense of humor, and burdened his family by merely being in the house. It was hard to stay so positive sometimes, yet Devin almost always managed a smile and a cheerful word. “Not everyone does. It just depends I suppose.” He did glance at her with a half smile, trying to remain positive. Positivity helped more than hurt—usually. “After the way I treated her, I don’t think I deserve it.”

Devin realized it was hard not to smile around Nell. Even if she might have been hurting, or feeling down, her smile was always there—it was always so bright and seemed genuine. Even though Devin felt his insides squirming and his head swimming with doubts and insecurities, Nell always put him at some sense of peace. I’m glad I came to her with this instead of someone else. Devin laughed a little and nodded. “Well, if she didn’t live in the dorms it might make that venture a little bit easier. Besides, I’m pretty sure that blaring music and trying to sing along would only chase her away…and possibly everyone else in the process.” He loved music, but he was not the best singer. It was best his singing be kept to the shower. Slowly his smile turned into a bit of a frown, although he tried to appear happy. “Yeah, I suppose so. I just wish it wasn’t very hard.” Chin resting on her head, Devin could only emit a light sigh and watch as the plume of hot breath rose up into the air above him. It was cold, but being in the presence of a friend certainly took off the edge. “Just so you know, if you ever need me for anything. I’m always here. For a smile, a laugh, an ear…anything.” And he truly meant it.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell snorted when her friend spoke, though it was in a light-hearted manner, of course. Creative. She didn’t think about herself a lot—especially not the good things to be found—so she didn’t think this as true. Even though she was most certainly right-brained, and worked through practical application, and liked reading and history more that math and sciences… Creative sounded like a good thing. She wasn’t a good thing. Devin certainly was, though, and she knew that he would be good for Autumn. She wanted to approach the girl herself and tell her so, hype up Devin the way he deserved. ”I see it now,” she joked, holding up her hands as if outlining a marquee. ”Ponchos and sombreros.” Nell spoke with a very natural Spanish accent when she said the words before clapping her hands. ”¡Olé!” She laughed at this, shaking her head. Devin was sweet, that was for sure. She couldn’t help but smile and laugh around him. Even though she wanted to lie down in the sand and drift off. Maybe high-tide would take her in and she wouldn’t have to be around—Don’t think like that. Her own thoughts were scaring her and she needed to keep her mind on Devin. Her expression was unreadable with his next words, but she humorously stuck out her tongue when he waggled his finger in front of her face. ”Whatever, bro. If you keep telling me that, I may just have to give you a wedgie. See how much you like my existence then.” She couldn’t help the smile since she was completely joking. My existence has been bad for everyone. It’s something she’d realized in her introspection. If it had been her who had die instead of Tilly, her sister and mother could have been happy. Her family could have still had a chance. Maybe if she never existed at all, her father wouldn’t have left and her sister and mother most certainly wouldn’t have died. And Josh…he wouldn’t have had to deal with all the baggage that came in dating her.

God, did she want to erase everything Devin was dealing with. ”It depends on the offense,” she acknowledged. However, her capacity to forgive was great. The offense almost never mattered to her—the only person she didn’t think she could ever forgive was Jane, and even that she had to wonder at. The woman was in jail now, however, so it was a moot point. She had even managed forgiving the father who’d abandoned her…of course, she wasn’t talking to him now. Nell could have even forgiven her mother for everything…but the woman was dead now. How many people are going to disappear? She’d lost her sister and her mother and she was distancing herself from her father. But she was trying not to do the same to her friends. She would hold onto them, but not for her own sake—for the sake of the people who she wanted to help. ”I don’t think what you did was too bad. I mean, you’re only human. We all are. We’ll make mistakes.” She knew a thing or two about that. Most of her life had been a mistake. She was realizing this now that the floodgates were open and letting in all the water. Nell now could think of all the things she shouldn’t have done—she shouldn’t have acted out against her mother for attention, she shouldn’t have told her father to take she and her sister away, she shouldn’t have laid a hand on her mother… And maybe even more on her mind was the things that she didn’t do that she should have. Reached out and told someone, forced Papa to stay, take on the responsibility sooner because no one in my life seemed to be capable of it. ”You’ll just have to see. If she loves you…she’ll take you back.” Hopefully. She didn’t want to make too many promises to her friend, though, just in case. This was just her intuition.

Nell tilted her head curiously. ”What element is she in?” She could have sworn the girl sounded familiar, but she didn’t really know. Especially since Devin had slept with Harley. Her mind returned to the day in the dorms when he had asked if he could bring the Fire girl along in whatever antics she got into, and she wondered why he felt so conflicted. She still didn’t really remember. I used to be happy all the time. Even with the trial coming, she had been able to feel good all the time. Now she only felt good when she distanced herself from the thoughts she could no longer repress. ”If there’s food involved, I’m sure she wouldn’t be able to resist. Ooh, take her out to dinner or something! Be all romantic.” Nell felt she understood this, since the way to her heart was through her stomach. Even though now there was the feeling in her gut, as if she were sick. But she knew that wasn’t it, because she’d been diagnosed with something that wasn’t a common cold or a physical illness. Is it a mental illness? She supposed so, and that terrified her so she tried not to think of it like that. It wasn’t a mental illness, it was just…emotional trauma that she would get through, that she had to get through. ”I wish it wasn’t either,” she said lightly. She really did wish Devin could have an easier time with all this. He was a good guy, and he deserved the best, even if he didn’t think he did. He deserved Autumn, and happiness, and whatever else he could get from life. Her eyes flickered to his and she smiled. ”Thanks, D,” she told him. ”I need that.” What she actually needed was to be there for Devin, because Nell could care less about herself—especially now that she was coming to terms with how bad of a person she actually was. "Your existence is pretty frickin' awesome as well, you know that?"

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Devin watched with sheer amusement as Nell discussed her visions of Spanish dress becoming the next big thing for the psychiatry profession—if it had been anyone else the blonde would have blinked a few times and tilted his head, wondering what it was they had been drinking. However this was Nell, and that was reason enough to expect her to suggest such an outfit. He laughed, leaning his head back slightly and allowing it to last for a few seconds, thoroughly enjoying the feeling that laughter brought. “I could definitely see you wearing something like that. It would be an awesome fashion statement. I would wear it too, but I suppose that requires me becoming a psychiatrist. I wouldn’t be so good at it.” Devin was a humble creature, and allowed every ounce of praise fall onto his friends and others who deserved it. He supposed he was decent with helping others with their problems, or at least uplifting them when they felt down or offering a kind smile, but Nell’s intuition was right on the money and everything she said made complete and total sense. Devin would surely fumble around and be oblivious to things such a love and relationships, being as his were either for one night or really short lived outside of the twelve hour ‘cuddle sessions’.

Nell took to sticking out her tongue at his comment, appearing as though she were not ready to accept it. Devin was much like Nell in the fact that they blew off complements in lieu of helping others first, which made it difficult to uplift one another sometimes. Then again, the gentle banter was warm and happy. He would much rather that than shouting and hurtful words that no one could ever take back simply because you wanted to prove your point. He smirked. “I’d like to see you try and do that…but you wouldn’t bully me, would you?” Devin pouted playfully, his blue eyes sparkling. “You know how sensitive I am. No matter what, though, I will continue to tell you how good you are. Wedgies or not.” Devin had nothing to fear of the earth girl; she was probably the most harmless person he had ever met, and he knew Nell would not have the heart to inflict pain upon her friends. It simply did not seem in her nature to do so. It made Devin admire her all the more, knowing that she probably endured some sort of trauma in her life but continued to push on for the sake of others and their happiness. What that trauma was he was not sure, but every human was not without their times of darkness and despair…even the truly good people like Nell.

Offense. It sounded like such a harsh word to use, but it was appropriate. Devin had a fucked up past with both females, and with his family; the family aspect could not be helped, but it marred him none the less. It was one of the main reasons that led him to be who he was. Taking solace in a woman’s arms was the best way he knew how to deal with the lack of affection and attention at home. A poor excuse, but it was valid to him none the less. It did not erase what he did, so now Devin was stuck with a list of things he wanted to take back. He would take it all back for Autumn. If I knew I was going to meet the one… Devin stopped the thought there. He wouldn’t have known. There was no way to know. The past was done, and could not be altered, and so he had to push forward and do what he could to ensure that history did not repeat itself. If not for Autumn, then for the girl he was destined to be with, no matter how hard it was to see past Autumn’s face. Devin scrunched his nose at Nell’s words. “You don’t think it was that bad? Nell…I denied her feelings, then proceeded to run off and sleep with another girl. I’m pretty sure that’s considered bad. I’m sure she knows about me and Harley by now and won’t have anything to do with me. Human or not that’s a big mistake…” Being such a naturally positive person, it was difficult for Devin to express all of the doubts running through his mind. It was a habit for him to keep them repressed and deal with them on his own time and usually all alone. Sure he decided to tell Nell about what he had done, but never did Devin think he would be laying this entire thing out on the table. Just her helping him realize his love for Autumn was enough…but Devin did not think to stop there. Maybe this needed to happen though. Ever the positive one. “I don’t know if she loves me. That’s the problem. But if she takes me…” A smile passed over his features, but only briefly. “I will be forever happy.”

When Nell asked about Autumn’s element, he tilted his head to look at her with a raised eyebrow. Surely she knew the girl, at least enough to know that they were in the same element? Then again, it was possible they never crossed paths. It was rather strange, but Devin did not dwell on it for too long. “She’s earth, of course.” He stated matter-of-factly, acting as though he would not be with any other element. Devin was not afraid to have his flings with other elements, but when it came to officially settling down with someone he was fairly sure it would not be someone outside of his element or ally. He saw what happened with Josh, and did not want to deal with that. It was simply too much. “I thought you might have at least met her in passing. Sorry about that. But assuming everything goes okay I will definitely introduce you to her. I think you’ll like her.” He chuckled a bit at her suggestion to take Autumn out to dinner; Nell always turned what seemed like a hopeless situation into something possible. “I will definitely do that. Food is always good. I guess I be a bit of a hopeless romantic so that helps some.”

Finally, after a few minutes of silence and pondering on the thoughts nagging at the back of his mind, the conversation took a bit of a turn away from his love problems to more the general morale boosting that Nell and Devin so often tossed back and forth. It was bound to happen in their conversations at some point. He merely shrugged off her gratitude with a soft smile. “You are very welcome sis. And I mean it. I’ll always be here no matter what. Just…don’t shut down too much okay? It will only hurt you more than help.” He rubbed her shoulder affectionately before looking down at her, catching her brown eyes. “Josh told me not too long ago that it’s okay to be selfish every once in a while and focus on yourself. I know it can be hard, and I’m struggling, but…do something for yourself. Okay? Doing things just for others can be just as unhealthy as being a self-centered bastard.” And indeed it was true. Both ends of the spectrum could be dangerous if one kept themselves in it for too long, just like he and Nell did. The only difference was…Devin actually talked about his problems when things became too overbearing. Nell, at least from what he knew, did not do that. It could be dangerous. Distracted by these thoughts Devin hardly took note of her complement but said, “I’m glad someone thinks so.”

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell lifted her eyebrow. ”Dude, you are not questioning my wedgie skills,” she said, tone grave and expression disbelieving. She tilted her head to the side, looking at her friend from the corner of her eye. ”Now you’re trying to guilt me out of it, huh?” If she were a cruel person, she’d be more aware of how…vulnerable Devin was. He looked so adorable and was so nice, one could immediately have the feeling that he’d be easy to manipulate in their head, whether it was true or not. Nell didn’t follow this wavelength—she loved him too much to even consider thinking like that. And it wasn’t only because she knew how it is being defenseless, and she didn’t want to make anyone else feel like that. You already have. One of the most terrifying things to her was trying to imagine they way Mia felt when she was dying—if she was ever left alone with the thought, it was enough to bring tears up to clog her throat and stuff her nose and reduce her to a wreck. That’s what putting herself in her mother’s shoes always did to her, at least. ”Oh fine, no wedgies. Can’t promise I’ll hold back on noogies, though.” They were certainly more pleasant than having your underwear pulled up. Now that she thought of it, wedgies were horrible for guys and their…items. She didn’t think she could even do that jokingly.

The girl shifted her head in a small nod as if in consideration, and then told Devin, ”As a girl, I’d have to say that if I poured my feelings out to a guy and he rejected me…yeah, I’d be hurt. Especially if he slept with with another chick. But if he came back, and apologized, then that’s a pretty damn good feeling. Because essentially, he’d be choosing me over that other girl. It may take a little while to get over the hurt, but if he can prove himself, then I’d be willing to take him.” She was naturally a forgiving person, and she didn’t expect that of everyone, but she believed everyone to have the capacity to give second chances. She wished she could relate a situation of hers to his current crisis, but before Josh, she’d had no love life to speak of. No one had ever kissed her, or been in a relationship with her, or slept with her, and even though the latter one they hadn’t experienced yet, he was her first for all those things. She’d never admitted her feelings to another guy before, because she didn’t have feelings for any other guy, and so she’d never experienced rejection. It had been Josh that had asked her out, a day she remembered well. ”Well, if she admitted her feelins or whatever…that’s gotta mean something.” She smiled at him reassuringly, an honest and sincere gesture. She had faith in this relationship-that-could-be, just because she knew that Devin deserved great things in his life.

Raking her hands through the sand, she thought about the name and now realized why it had sounded familiar. ”I’ve heard her name before,” she said with a nod. Nell did like to meet as many people as possible—she was the type to approach a random stranger, introduce herself, and then invite them to do something with her—but that didn’t mean she knew everyone. Even if it was in her own element. She loved them like family, and she was sure if she ever met Autumn, those feelings would be extended to her. Nell was a maternal person, even though she didn’t think about this herself—anything to do with being compared to a ‘mother’ didn’t really sit well with her—and so she saw a lot of people as her family. ”I think I’d like to meet her,” she said, and even though there were overprotective friends who felt they needed to judge potential love interests, she didn’t want to judge anyone. It seemed like such a cold thing to do, and she knew how uncomfortable it was to be put on the spot. She snuggled into Devin, bumping her elbow into his side when she suggested, ”Maybe you can get a big plate of spaghetti and have a Lady and the Tramp moment. You know, being a big romantic and all.” She winked at him, unfortunately unable to stop her thoughts from going to the childhood when she remembered all the movies she should have watched back then, all the games outside she should have played, every little missed moment that she couldn’t think of.

It filled Nell with a strange kind of appreciation whenever Devin called her ‘sis’. She liked being considered family, she liked being ‘sis’. Mi hermana, and she thought of Tilly. She was actually her hermana gemela, but they were still family. And Devin was her familia, and the world was like her house, where her heart was. ”Shut down?” she inquired with a smile, feeling his hand on her shoulder. ”I don’t plan on it. Ever.” If she shut down, she was going to be like the one woman who caused her the most trouble. The woman that had destroyed her, the woman who couldn’t trust the world, her daughter, herself, and Nell—especially now—was determined to avoid becoming like that. Psychotic depression, she thought. Having that information now was scary. Sure, she was thankful that Josh had went through all that trouble to find out if it was something she should be afraid of, but now that she was suffering from her own kind of depression, she had to wonder if that was her first step into the descent. ”Thank you for the advice,” Nell said. ”I’ll try to do something for myself. Maybe buy an ice cream cone or something.” she was joking, of course, because she really was thinking about herself too much now. And she was becoming too aware of how much she disliked herself, all the negative qualities that her mother told her about or merely invented. Now Nell realized that she not only didn’t matter—there was a reason that she didn’t matter. ”Oh, don’t think like that,” she scolded with a slightly firmer tone of voice. ”Do you want me to make a list of the people who wouldn’t be able to live without you? Because I will.” She was at the ready even now, going through names to throw at him.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Devin smirked as though he accepted Nell’s challenge. “Oh, I am,” The boy teased with a light tone to his voice; he knew that a wedgie was indeed possible, but from Nell? Highly unlikely. The girl’s personality was as soft as her voice. He continued to pout at her, trying to keep up his little façade long enough to ensure he would not have to suffer at the hands of the earth girl and her possible secret hidden talent for dealing out wedgies. It frightened him slightly to think it was possible. “No, no of course not! I wouldn’t do that.” It was after he flailed about for a moment that he dropped the act, merely laughing it off. Nothing was better than spending time with a friend, even if she did threaten light physical harm. Devin was always one to enjoy such bantering, even though others did not seem so keen. Nell was, however, and that put him at ease. He knew that she would not take offense to anything he said, and their playful remarks were just that: playful. He loved Josh, and the man was his best friend, but he knew that the fire graduate could only go so long before something upset him. It was part of who he was, and so sometimes Devin avoided any of the fun teasing to prevent any outbursts. Josh seemed to know that the blonde was almost always kidding around, but it was as though he was hardwired to take certain statements as a threat. He wondered how Nell was able to handle that at times.

Unfortunately the playful bantering always had a way of leading to more serious discussion; it was like they prepared themselves for what was to come with a joke or two instead of merely diving in and handling the situation as quickly and as seriously as possible. Devin certainly could not go without having some sort of humor tossed into the mix, because he subconsciously felt it was his job to keep the mood happy and comfortable if he could help it. This time, however, the serious talk was his fault and felt bad that Nell had to take up for him with her own funny comments and gentle prodding. It took him away from his thoughts, but only for a moment. As he listened to Nell, slowly his heart began to sink further and further into the pit of his stomach—if even she felt that the boy needed to prove himself in order to be taken back, Devin did not see much hope. He was not exactly sure how else he was going to prove himself to Autumn without spending every waking moment groveling at her feet and begging for forgiveness. Was he really prepared to do something like that? He had to mull it over for a few moments before fully understanding how deep his feelings ran for the girl. I will chase her as long as I have to, just so she will understand how much she means to me. Never the less, Nell’s words still stung and it made him wonder if he was even worth forgiving. I’m still willing to beg. Devin turned his attention towards Nell, smile rather sad. “I’m not quite sure if her thought process will be the same, Nell…but I guess I need to stay hopeful. If she’s anything like that, then maybe this will be easier than I thought. If not…” He stopped, unwilling to think of what would happen if she said no and walked away without looking back.

It did not surprise Devin that Nell had at least heard her name before—Autumn was in their element and possibly passed by Nell at some point in time. Devin knew quite a few names in the earth element as well, but could not easily place a face with them unless they stood right in front of him. What did surprise the boy was Nell’s desire to meet the girl that he had so horribly injured emotionally. It was not the fact that she wanted to socialize and meet new people, though. Devin could not really explain the shock evident on his features. Often times his reactions did not make much sense, even to himself. “Oh, well…if everything works out, then of course you can. Not that you can’t otherwise but…” Devin shook his head, ridding the thoughts to the dark recesses of his mind. He did not want to dwell on Autumn walking away. It hurt just to think about it. He still chuckled at her comment about Lady and the Tramp and allowed himself to be swept away from the topic at hand. He did not mind their discussing his problem—after all, he did initiate the conversation in the first place—it was more that staying on topic only pulled him in a direction he did not wish to go to just yet. I’ll get there, when I get there. The thought had to be repeated a few times before allowing himself to focus. It helped to have Nell nestle into him and pass a friendly nudge. “We’ll see about that. I do hope that it will be a romantic moment, though. I just can’t help it.” A kiss in the rain flashed through his mind, but it quickly vanished. Call him cliché, if that was indeed what he was. Devin thought it would be memorable.

Subtly, the blonde released a small sigh of relief once the topic switched over towards other matters. “Good, because if you did I’d have to talk to Josh. You wouldn’t want that.” His eyes glittered with humor, even though somewhere in his heart he knew it to be fact more than fiction. Devin would not hesitate to talk to her boyfriend if he felt she needed help or something was wrong; Nell would certainly be upset with him for it, but if it meant keeping her safe then so be it. He always helped his friends, even if his manner of helping was not always readily appreciated. The boy nodded at her thanks, smiling softly as he rested his nose on top of her head. “You’re welcome Nells. Any time.” Nell should have known what he meant by doing things for herself, but if so the girl did not show it. He wondered if she was truly so selfless that she did not even understand what it meant to self-sustaining without worrying about others first. It also made Devin wonder if he was the same way, but the thought was fleeting. He merely shook his head and attempted to blow off her statement; did she not understand how alike they really were? “No no, it’s not necessary. I just…when I don’t like myself, I believe that others feel the same way. It’s sort of a natural reaction for me. I know some people will never waver—like you and Josh—but others…you never know.” Devin shrugged, trying to stay jovial despite the dark thoughts clouding his mind.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell laughed, and the sound trailed off into a little hum. She wasn’t mocking Devin for his troubles. She was trying to make light of them, to make his worries seem insignificant, because in the end, everything always works out. Does it, can you believe that? Her situation was different. She didn’t think there was a direct solution for what was plaguing her, save for drugs. Maybe it takes moving on. But she didn’t know how to do that. She was so used to repression, the concept of ‘letting go’ didn’t sound as easy. ”That’s right, look on the bright side,” she said, even though she knew that her friend didn’t need to be advised to do that. He always seemed to do that anyway. ”Everything will work out.” Whether it was for the best or for the worst, it seems that everything always falls into place. People move on, everyone got by, and life goes on like clockwork. Devin would keep living, she would go on, and no one can tell what would happen from there. That was usually the beautiful part, but for her, it was not the fearsome uncertainty. Even though there was one things she could be absolutely certain of now, and that was the fact that she did have a future. But what to do with it?

Chuckling lightly again, the girl shook her head. He seemed nervous, which she could understand. His love life was something she had a hint at. It wasn’t like he stuck to one girl at a time, really, so it was nice to see him find someone that he was thinking of differently than all the other girls. ”I would like to meet her when you introduce me,” she said, hinting at the fact that she meant when the two were an item. And there was no ‘ifs’ involved, just confident ‘whens’. ”And then I can meet your two kids, and go to your white-picket fenced home, and admire your three-hundred thousand dollar Matisse. The good life, right? You’ve got a good chance at happiness, see, I have it all in my head.” She tapped her temple as if for emphasis, the picture in her head being for her friend’s benefit. When he met the girl of his dreams, everything would fall into place, and she’d keep and touch just so she could see his contentness. And where will you be? Nell wondered how long she and Josh had, because she didn’t plan on breaking it off with him soon but…but what if I’m not enough for him. She tried her best not to think on his previous lifestyle, but she wondered if he would ever get bored of her because of that. Especially since she wasn’t putting out and—don’t go there. Sex made her nervous, and she had to thank her virginity and the fact that Josh was the only guy she’d ever even kissed to thank for that. ”Dude, I’m wondering at how many rom-coms you’ve seen,” she joked. It was impressive, her mood, as if she could forget everything that had been bothering her.

It was amusing how Devin acted like Josh was her keeper. Usually she would be a offended at anyone trying to butt into her life, but she was close to this boy. ”Oh, you’re such a snitch,” she said, rolling her eyes. "I assure you, I am not afraid of my boyfriend." She thought she was doing a pretty good job at protecting Josh from what was going on with her, like she was doing a good job with Devin. She was close to Josh, but she didn’t think he’d be able to catch on. As long as she hid her meds, as long as she pretended everything was going good for her, he could deal with his own problems and heal his own wounds. She was creating a divide between them, not realizing the truth. You don’t have to know, Josh. It was such a noble thing, what she thought she was doing for him. Her lips twitched into a smile when she felt his head against hers, and it was nice as she looked out at the lake and at the endlessness it seemed to represent. Her heart seemed to stop and pause to consider his words when he spoke, her eyes moving around to scan her surroundings. ”Makes sense,” she said, her chest clenching. ”If you don’t love yourself, then who will, right?” It hurt to think of it like that, because she knew that she didn’t love herself. She’d always thought that her love for everyone would be enough but apparently it might not be. How can I love myself? For her entire life, she only knew herself as the object for her mother to take her disappointment and rage out on. And when it wasn’t that, she was Tilly, the daughter Mia would much rather have. If your mother never loved you, who will? That was a better question.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Devin blinked a few times and observed Nell closely; what exactly was she hinting at by suggesting he introduce Autumn? Was she honestly expecting their friendship to be on such good terms after all of this? He ran a hand through his hair. Maybe they would be just fine, but there was no way to be sure. He broke her heart and left it lying there on that cold day by the lake. Did he really deserve any type of relationship with the girl? “I’m not quite sure that me introducing her—“ Devin stopped as Nell continued on, pulling his head back to try and catch a glimpse of humor, but he could swear that his friend was being completely and totally serious. The boy had not even put himself in a position to foresee the future, especially that far. And Nell was quick to make fun of his romantic tendencies…he shook his head and shrugged it off, trying not to think about Autumn as his wife. They were young, and inexperienced, and who knew if the earth girl could even stand him for that long. It was more than possible that she would find a better prospect; someone who was not so heavily tainted by other women and had the chance to offer something that he may not have. So why do I feel the urge to hope for a future like that? Instead of pressing his insecurities of the matter on Nell, he smiled and laughed a bit. “Well, I have to admit that sounds perfect,” He started, his blue eyes scanning the water. “But I’m not sure if I’ll have three-hundred thousand dollars to spend.” In that way, he admitted to liking the idea of marrying Autumn without directly saying so.

Shifting slightly, the boy adjusted his position in the sand; after a while your rear end would come to grow numb and make enjoying time with friends rather difficult. Devin hated being uncomfortable, even though he was often times unwilling to get up and remove said discomfort. It took too much effort sometimes, even if he knew it would benefit him in the long run. Devin truly was lazy. “I’ve seen enough. That’s for me to know, and you not to find out.” He replied, nudging her slightly. It was honestly no secret that the boy loved his romantic comedies, but sometimes revealing your faint obsession with them was a bit embarrassing. Lately Devin took to watching them more frequently, what with the issue with Autumn and all. I keep hoping that my life will turn out like the movies, He thought, lowering his chin onto his knee as he released a sigh. The movies were nothing like reality, and Devin knew that, but it could not hurt to dream. They glorified love as though it were easy; you meet someone randomly on the sidewalk, take one look into their eyes and suddenly your world changes. Upon chance you meet them again and basically they spend the entire movie building up to that one ultimately romantic moment that leaves you in tears. At least, that’s how a lot of them went. Too bad he felt his life was quite the opposite.

He knew all too well that Joshua was not Nell’s caretaker, but it was amusing to act as such. He knew Josh was very protective over his girlfriend and would probably know more about what she went through than he did, if she indeed had something to talk about. Everyone had their skeletons, and he was sure Nell was not without some of her own. She was a sweet and loyal friend, but even the best people had secrets locked away deep inside. Devin knew she did, but as to what the secrets were, he was clueless. But it’s not my job to pry. Although he liked to know what was on his friend’s minds, he knew that if he pressed too hard eventually they would close off and refuse to communicate. He knew everyone was capable of it, even Nell. “I know I am. But I have to look out for my sister, even if I have to involve my best friend.” He smiled and kissed the top of her head, giving her a brief side hug. “If you were scared of him, then we would have a problem.” Joshua had a temper, but for Nell he was as soft as a sponge. If he were to ever frighten the girl Devin would have to muster up all of his courage and stand up to his friend; even though Josh was his best friend, Nell was like his sister. You did not mess with his family. He highly doubted Josh would be anything like that, but the protective brother instincts remained none the less.

Devin frowned as she talked about loving one’s self; out of anyone she could be talking to, it had to be the guy who thought his very existence was a burden to everyone around him. Everyone could be better off leaving him behind in the dust…especially Autumn. Why did she waste her feelings on me? It dug deep into his heart, like a knife that could not be removed. It hurt to know that he ruined her chances at finding true happiness. Devin swallowed a bit to refocus his attention. “Yeah, gotta love yourself first before others can fully accept you.” Devin used to think quite fondly himself; he thought rather highly of his intelligence and way with the girls. But now nothing seemed right. He was not so sure that he was worth loving at all, even by his friends. Jolting slightly, he felt a buzz in his pocket. Devin glanced at Nell with a half smile as he pulled the phone out of his pocket and noted the text from Athena. She was home now and needed some help getting dinner ready. Every so often Devin and Athena would team up and make dinner a few times a week so Judith would not have to worry about it when she came home from work. It kept their family functional and tight knit. Just the way he liked it. “Well, looks like I need to get home and help with dinner,” Devin sighed as he leaned over and hugged Nell again before standing up. He brushed the sand off of his pants. “Thanks for the talk Nell. Always know if you need someone, I’m around.” He smiled brightly before turning and walking in the direction from whence he came. “Love you sis! Take care of yourself.”