TOMORROW WILL BE DIFFERENT ;; Nell

[NELL DOE DALE]

Oblivious to her boyfriend’s certain troubles, Nell snorted at his joke, aware by now that he even had a sense of humor. She knew there was a time when she was unsure whether she should even laugh or not, because joking seemed such an uncommon thing for Josh. It wass amazing how much things have changed, and how they continued to change in such short periods of time. All is flux, she remembered the quote, and like a lot of things these days, the thought made her sad. ”I guess it’s a guy thing,” she joked back. Sometimes when she was with Josh, she could momentarily take her mind off of what was bothering her. Conversation distracted her, and so did his joking, and she was thankful for small moments like this. She wished it could stay this way, but she knew the moment she let her thoughts stray she would remember everything and the bad feeling would return to her stomach.

Nell smiled when Josh spoke of his mother. ”Next time you see her, tell her I said hi back,” she told him lightly. She was completely unaware of what the parental duo had done in order to pull Josh away so that Donovan could talk to her, so she was more than happy to talk about Trish and how the woman was doing. ”That’s a shame,” she lamented when Josh told her that the meeting had to be cut short thanks to something or other. It must have been difficult, being a politician. Well, any job must have been difficult. She would know, actually, she had a job herself. And she was also thinking of moving on up. Maybe. Nell didn’t really know. She was still trying to unglue her life from the static hold she had put it in before the trial. The girl didn’t know what she wanted to do anymore, and instead of her usual solution (just live every day to the fullest), she was busy trying to sleep it away. ”Kay,” Nell said compliantly, an amused expression on her face when Josh called himself a sugar whore. They were both pretending as if noting was wrong to protect the other, it was almost comical. She couldn’t promise that she would want those donuts, no matter how many he left for her.

Her eyes widened as she watched him choke, even less sure about eating whatever donuts he had left over. Not the reaction I was hoping for. ”A-are you okay?” she stammered out in concern, lifting her hands slightly. Okay, so she definitely overestimated his reaction, thinking that he’d be okay with his father visiting. She bit her lip as he next spoke, trying to think of ways to placate him and coming up with none. Nell was still unaware of the fact that Josh’s mother had taken him away just so that Donovan could come by—maybe it was because she liked to believe the best in the woman and not thing she was in any way sneaky like that. Then Josh asked after what else his father had said. ”Well…” she started hesitantly, trying to gauge his reaction. ”He asked after you, because uh…you haven’t really been speaking to him. And…and I think he regrets what he did.” She finished her sentence softly. Why else would Donovan have come by and apologized to Nell if not for Josh’s sake. He wanted his son back. ”I think you should give him a chance.” It was up to Josh, of course, and she wasn’t going to tell him what he should do about his father. That was their relationship, not hers. But if she could give her father a second chance after twelve years, Josh could give his father another chance.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=style, width:380px; height:200px; background-image: url(http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss283/amostprofoundseduction/paper1.jpg); padding:3px 10px 10px 10px; border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px; -moz-border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px;] I'M NOTHING BUT A TIN MAN, DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN. rusted from the rain, I STUMBLE THROUGH THE WRECKAGE, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SALVAGE, NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME. AMONG THE BROKEN MIRRORS, I DON'T LOOK THE SAME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . His throat hurt a little but it had not been a very serious thing, so after recovering his stance and rubbing at his neck for a moment he nodded. "Fine," he assured her typically. Jesus Christ. His father. His father had been here. He hated so much as the idea of it. Josh had finally convinced himself that things were not going to go back to normal between he and his family, especially not the man who had caused it all by disowning him. There had been many a night where he'd lie awake and wonder what they were all up to at that point in time. Were they sleeping? Were they awake, like he was? Did they miss him at all? It had caused a physical pain for Joshua to consider all of these options and it was the idea that he was not missed by at least one person in the home that had really killed him. He had spent his entire life looking up to his father, idolizing him. I wanted to be like him. The sickening feeling of mingled regret and loathing rose in his throat again. He swallowed hard to keep it down and looked away from Nell for a moment, not wanting her to see the brief pain that flashed through his gray eyes. He composed himself and brought his gaze back to hers--it was guarded, now, wary. Not against Nell but against everything. He didn't know how to handle this, he hadn't been prepared for this. Feeling like he wouldn't be able to remain standing for much longer, Joshua exhaled and sat down on the couch, leaning forward against clasped hands. "He shouldn't have come. Not here." Even though this was Nell's apartment, Joshua felt like it had been some sort of unforgivable offence against him. If the man had been so keen on getting him back, why not approach Joshua himself? Because you won't talk to him. The thought was very quiet in the back of his mind but he had to admit that it was true. He had recognised the number and name on the phone when Donovan had tried to call him a few times after the trial and had not so much as picked it up. It would have been a fight, he knew it would have. Josh couldn't keep control of his anger. Sometimes his father couldn't, either. He wasn't sure what Don thought of him now but he hated that he'd had the nerve to cross into Nell's apartment. "He called you a murderer," Josh said softly. "I don't like that." His protective nature rebelled against the word and stirred the hatred in his gut once more. His father had insulted someone that he was close to. It was different than when he insulted Joshua himself. I've deserved a lot of that, he acknowledged. But Nell didn't. Not ever. It felt like an immense weight was trying to crush him--he had a whole ton of emotions pressing in and he had no idea how to go about sorting them. There was the anger, of course, but there were other things sneaking through unbidden. Remorse, pain, maybe even a bit of longing. He thought of his little sister and how Trish had hinted that she was upset. He'd always known she would be and his mother avoided saying it outright, perhaps to save his conscience. It hadn't been his fault he was kicked out. His mother understood that. "Of course I haven't," he said with a scowl. "Why should I speak to him?" It was a rhetorical question and thus he gave very little pause before he continued. "I love you, Nell. I chose you. He asked me to make a choice and I did." He had not meant to cause a rift between his family but his father had forced it upon him. What else could he have done? He was in love with this girl right here, murderer or not. He had believed that she was innocent and it had been a relief to find that there were others that agreed with him, a jury and a judge that agreed with him. His father had not and a large part of Joshua felt like he should suffer the consequences of that. He sighed heavily. How the hell could he talk to him, could he even look at him after this? He could still remember their fight, the things that had been said. "I... I don't know if I could." His voice had lost its edge and gone strangely soft, almost choked. God damn it, Joshua, you are not going to get all fucking emotional. The pain in his chest was throttling him but he fought it back as much as he could. He wondered how Nell had felt about her father after eleven fucking years of absence but he did not ask. No need to bring painful thoughts back for her. He stood up and wrapped his arms around her for a moment, needing the comfort and closeness. He wasn't usually someone that relied on others but she was his entire reason for having left his family and he needed to anchor himself to that so he wouldn't lose sight of it. "I'm sorry," he said, not entirely sure what he was apologizing for but just feeling that he had to. "Are... are you sure that's what you want?" It almost felt like he'd be betraying Nell somehow by accepting the apology of a man that had accused her of being a lying witch and a killer. But if she was sure, well, maybe he'd try for her sake. He trusted Nell's opinion, after all. GO ON CRUSH ME LIKE A FLOWER, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. COME ON STRIP ME OF MY POWER, BEAT ME WITH YOUR CHAINS. AND IF I'M THE KING OF COWARDS, YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF PAIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell watched her boyfriend carefully, wondering how he was feeling. Other than having a sore throat, she bet, she couldn’t tell. She held her hands in front of her, nervous now. It was clear he was upset, but since she didn’t have a pass inside his head, she couldn’t tell exactly what he felt about his father popping up. Well, that’s more elaborate, she thought when Josh said that Donovan shouldn’t have come. ”I’m glad he did,” she said. ”The apology was nice.” Even if it was essentially meant to have Joshua back, the fact that he had the guts to come to her and apologize was admirable. And she appreciated, even though it made her wonder how many people out there wouldn’t apologize for what they previously thought about her. It made her nauseous to think about—My life is in the public domain, people can do whatever they want with it, like it’s a book—so she focused on his next words. ”He’s right,” Nell began, and then added on, ”But he apologized for it.” She was trying to stress that so that Josh would at least forgive his father as Nell had. Of course, she was a forgiving person and this wasn’t her father they were talking about. It would probably be more difficult for Josh to forgive, if at all. I don’t care what he calls me. She’s been called a lot worse, after all, and now she’ll always have the title of a murderer—not even a ‘not guilty’ verdict could change that.

Nell bit her lip anxiously as he spoke. It was clear that Josh definitely was not going to be as forgiving as her, and that was understandable. He had been the one that was kicked out. Thanks to you. She didn’t know whether or not she would get over that any time soon because the knife of guilt was still in her stomach. It was part of the reason she wanted Josh and his father to fix things. Their life shouldn’t be like this. They were father and son and Josh should be living with his family, not her. And since there seemed to be a shot, she wanted to urge Josh in going for it. ”What if there’s not a choice anymore?” she asked. ”I don’t think he would have come if he didn’t want you back.” It was as if she were nursing a break-up between her boyfriend and his father, trying to make things right again. ”He believed the verdict and he admitted that he was wrong about it.” It didn’t erase everything but it didn’t count for nothing, did it? Donovan may have believed Jane, but she was sure he realized that had been a mistake, and wasn’t that all the two needed to make things right? Your father said he made a mistake, and it took you months to come close to forgiving him. That was different, it was a several year gap. Of course, no matter how long it was, forgiveness of a family member who betrayed you was hard. She wouldn’t deny that.

Josh seemed to be struggling, and she knew she couldn’t make this decision for him, no matter how much she wanted to help him. He didn’t know if he could give his father a chance, and she couldn’t tell him what to do about that. It was his feelings, she wasn’t going to try and sway him. She would tell him what she thought, how she felt, but in the end, this was up to Josh. It was a lot of weight on his shoulders, but she wanted everything to be all right. She had been selfish because she wanted to keep him around, so she did not push him away when he first got kicked out. Well, he had avoided her, and she wondered what would have happened had she not cornered him. She just wasn’t willing to give him up, so she felt guilty in playing such a part in the damaged relationship between the men. Nell held him and didn’t say anything to his apology, because she didn’t understand what he was apologizing for. But she let it stand, before answering his question. Why are you asking me this? ”Yes,” she said, before telling him, ”But more importantly it should be what you want.” This wasn’t her father or her relationship, and it was Josh’s decision whether or not he wanted to speak to his father. What she wanted didn’t count for much, no matter how much she wished for their relationship to be repaired. She couldn’t force things together again, but if her boyfriend needed the reassurance, than she was more than willing to give it.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=style, width:380px; height:200px; background-image: url(http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss283/amostprofoundseduction/paper1.jpg); padding:3px 10px 10px 10px; border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px; -moz-border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px;] I'M NOTHING BUT A TIN MAN, DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN. rusted from the rain, I STUMBLE THROUGH THE WRECKAGE, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SALVAGE, NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME. AMONG THE BROKEN MIRRORS, I DON'T LOOK THE SAME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . It took everything he had not to raise his voice or snap something he'd regret at this point. It's him you're angry at, not her. His girlfriend often had to deal with his second-hand rage and and Joshua knew that it was unfair to her. He would at least make an effort to be kinder and more gentle with his responses than if it had been his father standing before him. If Donovan had been standing in the apartment when he'd returned, Josh likely would have went for him. "He's not," said Joshua stubbornly. "Not in the way he meant it." He hated that word. Murderer. It was a label that couldn't be stripped away from a person no matter how many times they plead their innocence or went up against a jury. There would still be some people that believed it to be true and that would spread the word. Jane, he thought immediately, hating the very idea of her. Was she in prison right now, sharing the story of Nell-the-murderer with her cellmates? Alright, so maybe that was a bit far but he hated the woman and wouldn't put it past her. "Was it really, Nell? Do you really forgive him?" It was more of a demand than a soft question, though he still did not raise his voice. He was not a person that normally yelled, not even when he was upset. He did not say anything for a long moment, as if he were trying to drown himself in the silence. Joshua did not know how to handle all of this, was not equipped for it. Though not vindictive, he also wasn't forgiving of certain things. If you offended him or his family in some serious way, he'd remember. Nell is like family. He saw her like family but different at the same time. He did not look at her as he did his sister, feel about her the way he felt for Annabel. It was something more than friendship, though, he knew that. The fact that Donovan had tried to come between that made him bitter and angry. Couldn't she understand that? She understands. The rational part of his mind was trying to soothe him. "He's never done that before," said Joshua distantly. "Admitted he's wrong." He was trying to grasp a time where Donovan had ever sat Joshua down and apologised or admitted defeat to him before. There were no examples that jumped to mind. Usually the man just tried to twist things around to make it seem like the fault of others. "There's still a choice. I just don't know how to make it." He didn't like the idea of choices. What if he made the wrong one? What if he fucked this up for good? Holding her close felt good, comforting. He wasn't used to having someone he could go to for this kind of thing and it was strange to rely on her to be that sort of anchor keeping his mood stable. There was also a bit of relief to it. He didn't have to handle this on his own, no matter what happened. It would have been a lot worse if they'd broke up or if she'd went to jail. You're selfish, you know that? He acknowledged that he was dragging her into this even further by asking opinions but he could not help himself. He valued her opinion, trusted it. I'd do the same for her. This soothed his guilt--he would, he knew that. "Thank you, Nell," he said, pulling back and brushing his lips against hers to solidify the thanks. He exhaled and sat down again, feeling anxious and even more uncertain than before. "I... I guess I'll try and talk to him..." he said. The graduate trailed off for a moment, already anxious about how things would go. Not wanting to pull Nell down too heavily by burdening her with these worries, he said, "Would you mind if I still stayed here? For a while?" He wanted to make sure he saw her through this... this mood, this funk, this whatever-the-hell she was going through. Not only that but he didn't know if he could forgive yet. Maybe it was better if he spent some time just getting used to the man in his life again rather than sharing a roof with him. GO ON CRUSH ME LIKE A FLOWER, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. COME ON STRIP ME OF MY POWER, BEAT ME WITH YOUR CHAINS. AND IF I'M THE KING OF COWARDS, YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF PAIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .

[NELL DOE DALE]

Steering her eyes down, Nell felt an odd wave of guilt. I am a murderer. She remembered what he’d told her before about the difference between being a killer and a murderer, and she still couldn’t see the difference. In the end, she’d taken her mother’s life. When it all came down to it, she’d done something taboo and horrible. Even now when people thought of her, she was sure they didn’t immediately go to “that girl who was acquitted for murder.” They went to “that girl who had killed her mother.” She was a novelty to the world, and it was a cross she had to bear, she supposed. It was a heavy cross, though, and it was one of the things she was having difficulty with. Instead of telling Josh this—that no matter what, she is and always would be a murderer—she responded to his next words, which were no less firm. ”Yes,” she responded simply when forgiveness came into question. ”It’s easy for me, though. He’s not my father.” She wasn’t just going to pretend that it should be easy for Josh, because it wasn’t. It was easy enough for her because Donovan’s feelings toward her didn’t matter much. Okay, they did, because she would like the approval of her boyfriend’s father. Now that they weren’t on good terms though… God, it’s just too confusing.

Nell could tell that her boyfriend was going through a lot, so she stayed quiet while he seemed to retreat within himself. She nodded in understand when he did speak, however. Well, it wasn’t in understanding. She didn’t know Donovan well, and wasn’t aware of just how much pride the man had. She figured, though, that it was thing about guys—they all had their pride, though some may have been elevated to incredible amounts. Of course, women had pride too, but she noticed it was a determining factor. The Fuentes men she met were exemplary—it was probably why her grandfather and father managed to act so civil around each other. ”Take your time,” she told him. What he was going to do about his father wasn’t a decision he needed to come to right at this moment. She understood that it was sudden—and she had a feeling she wasn’t very helpful with her tact—and that it was a big deal. ”Sleep on it. Give it a few days, even.” It’s been months already, she was sure Donovan could wait a little longer to hear from his son. She would suppot him no matter what he decided to do.

She liked to be held by Josh like this, even when she felt like this. Even when she was just so sick to her stomach, that when she attempted to think of the donuts, her gut rejected the idea. She wasn’t purposely doing this, her stomach really did feel upset all the time. And she thought she was keeping it hush-hush when it came to Josh. And she only had a stronger resolve now that she’d spoken to Donovan. Josh had things he needed to be focusing on. She softly pressed her lips against his and smiled. ”Sure thing,” she replied. Nell hoped she had in some way helped, because otherwise she felt pretty much useless. Not that it mattered much, but she would at least like Josh to try and repair whatever damage had been done. ”That sounds like a good idea,” she encouragingly, a little apprehensive about how that would turn out. A lot could go wrong, a lot could go right, it all depended on how things played out. She would just have to wait and see what happened, and be that supportive girlfriend she tried to be. ”Not at all,” she told him when he asked if he could still stay here. Moving back to his house in such a tense situation may not have been a good idea, so she was fine with letting him stay. Mi casa, es su casa. ”But uh…I was planning on moving soon, actually. Get a better apartment. Maybe one that actually has a room.” And get a bed, not a futon. Better for sleeping a lot. The place had grown on her, but she wanted something that seemed more…stable, thinking it could help her get over these bad feelings she had. Nell almost wondered if she should ask Josh his permission or something since he was living with her, but then remembered that it was her apartment.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=style, width:380px; height:200px; background-image: url(http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss283/amostprofoundseduction/paper1.jpg); padding:3px 10px 10px 10px; border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px; -moz-border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px;] I'M NOTHING BUT A TIN MAN, DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN. rusted from the rain, I STUMBLE THROUGH THE WRECKAGE, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SALVAGE, NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME. AMONG THE BROKEN MIRRORS, I DON'T LOOK THE SAME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . [Never, ever allow me to be reminded of Alesana when I'm posting for someone. Ever. Goodbye like four hours of the night o.o On the upside, I've realised I love the album and my muse has skyrocketed, so... yay?] In truth, he'd expected an apology to fix everything. He expected Nell's forgiveness, her innocence, her acceptance to be capable of the repairs that were needed on the relationship between himself and his father. That child-like naivete that was normally pushed aside by his pessimism had been embraced quite a few times during those long nights where he'd lie awake, the apartment filled with only the sounds of breathing and, occasionally, Pablo knocking who-the-hell-knows-what over. In missing the comforts of home, in missing his family, he'd clung to the only hope he had. One day, things will get better. Then why weren't they getting better now? It was a physical pain in his chest, a dull and persistent ache. He nodded to show he'd heard but said nothing. Why didn't it matter that she forgave him? Because Nell was right. It's you that needs to do the forgiving. He felt lost. He wanted to be able to honestly say the man was forgiven but it wasn't like that. "Sleep on it," he repeated as if the words were alien to him, frowning. Oh, he understood their meaning perfectly. His confusion had not wiped out his sanity, he just wasn't sure it would do any good. Would it hurt to try? It was somehow comforting to think that he might not have to make his decisions immediately. His father could wait a few days. Maybe even a few weeks if I'm feeling spiteful. By just that thought alone it was clear that he was. You did not just call his girlfriend a murderer and get off scot-free. "I think I'll do that," he nodded. It would have felt strange to thank her again but he gave her a long look and hoped that it was enough to convey the emotions. He was relieved when she said that he could continue living with her and even more eager for the change in subject. It was, of course, Nell's apartment. Her decision to move would be hers alone but that did not mean he would not voice his opinions on such things--thankfully for the girl, his was a positive and supportive role. His features broke out into a smile and his gray eyes were light. "I think that's a great idea," he encouraged. "You could really use a little more space, especially with me breathing down your neck, eh?" Jesting to lighten the mood definitely helped to distract him from further thoughts of his father. He hoped he didn't come across as too desperate to talk about other things. To any casual observer he would not appear changed but would Nell be able to pick up on it? Probably. He acknowledged and embraced this. He did not mind that she knew him better than anyone else. It was nice to have someone to feel that connected, that close to. He did not feel vulnerable when it was Nell that knew his secrets because he knew she'd keep them safe. "I could go with you, if you'd like?" The offer was open--he would not mind if she'd prefer to do such things alone, but he did want to offer as much support as he could. He didn't want to accompany her for his own sakes, he wanted to help. "I did a lot of apartment hunting myself before we met so I, uh, know my way around." He shrugged as he tried not to linger on thoughts of the last time he'd fought with his father. Too late. Is it becoming a pattern? He couldn't seem to help torturing himself with his own cynical musings. If I forgive him, will this simply happen all over again? He stopped his thought process there. Nell was still there, talking to him, conversing. Nell, right. He had to think of Nell. He had a girlfriend and to space out in the middle of something was likely going to come across as very rude. He did not give a reassuring smile as some people would have but at least he appeared to be paying attention, which would be enough, right? Talking would help. It forced him to think about what he was going to say as opposed to what he was feeling. He was glad he was with Nell, now, or conversation would have been much more difficult. "Have you already looked at the price ranges and such?" Apartments varied, after all. He was sure Nell, naive as she may be, would know this. It all depended on what part of town you wanted to live in and what sort of places were available. "I know there are some nice ones closer to Blackjack if you're planning to stay on there, but you know, now that you're on your way to naturalization and college..." He trailed off, shrugging. He didn't know what Nell planned to do. Did she want to be a bartender for the rest of her life? His protective streak didn't much like the idea of her dealing with a bunch of crazy drunkards (especially not of the variety she'd faced when first meeting him) but his sensible side reminded him that it was her choice. If she wanted to do that, he'd stick by her. Just as he hoped she'd stick by him if he had some crazy epiphany and decided he no longer wanted to be a doctor. Hang on... am I actually considering the future, here? The thought both frightened and enthralled him as he realised that he'd bypassed that internal roadblock. He hadn't been thinking in the mind set that things were going to alter completely from where they were. Yet the more he tried to concentrate on thoughts of their (possible) future together, the less certain things became. What if they did break up? Woah, slow down there. No use allowing his pessimism to get the better of him. He'd liked that feeling of elation when he realised it was entirely possible to still have her a couple months down the line, a couple years, even, if they made it that far. The 'if' was no longer a threatening thing. It was not 'if she went to jail' it was more like 'if we have a fight' or 'if we decide to end things'. They'd never really had any catastrophic fights after the one about cheating. It felt safe. Jesus Christ if she could read his mind she'd be confused by the rate with which things were shifting and changing. Of course, she could also gain access to the less innocent thoughts and, well, that might be a bad thing for their relationship. "Oh," he said suddenly, because it had just occurred to him now as his gray gaze found the furry shape in the room, "and don't forget to check if they allow pets. Wouldn't want to deny Pablo the chance to destroy the new place, would you?" He laughed again, the effect slightly uplifting. Laughter felt good when you were fighting back other thoughts. GO ON CRUSH ME LIKE A FLOWER, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. COME ON STRIP ME OF MY POWER, BEAT ME WITH YOUR CHAINS. AND IF I'M THE KING OF COWARDS, YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF PAIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .

[NELL DOE DALE]

She didn’t know whether Josh had come to a conclusion yet, but she understood he wanted it to drop now, and she guessed that her getting a new apartment was a good conversation topic. Nell was glad to have his approval, even though it was her decision. Of course—before deciding something—she’d like the opinions of her loved ones, especially when one was living with her. If Josh didn’t want her to move or something like that, she wouldn’t have. It wasn’t like she was being evicted or anything like that. ”Eh, it’s not so much you,” she teased, crossig her arms. ”I would like more space now that I can afford it.” Now that it’s possible, and I won’t have to worry about it all being in vain. She didn’t mind that Josh wanted something to distract himself from his troubles. She’d happily oblige him with anything. Even though she was a private creature by default, she didn’t mind sharing with her boyfriend. Of course not. Then again, she would be telling her friends about the move. Nell liked to keep her door open for anyone, so it was never odd for a friend to drop by unannounced to hang out. Even though she wasn’t eeling particularly energetic, she still liked to see that. ”Sure,” she said airily. “That’d be nice actually. I’m not completely inept, but if you want to come along…” Nell scratched the back of her head, looking around the space. ”My father was helping me out before, but I haven’t talked to him lately.” Nell avoided lying as much as she could with Josh, and so she avoided saying that he was ‘busy’ or something. At least what she had said was a very vague truth. He’d shown her some apartments, but now she wasn’t talking to him much. Josh would be easier, since he did claim to know his way around. Maybe I should call him. It was odd, the guilt that was replacing her bitterness. But she was too much of a coward.

It seemed that Josh wanted to assist in getting things rolling, and it scared Nell a little. What if I’m not ready? She scoffed at that thought—she was a transient spirit, she liked flitting from one place to another. Not anymore. She was too weary for any sort of flitting or traveling. ”Yeah, I know some good ones I want to take a look at…” The thought that she could do this with legal documentation was almost ironic but she didn’t find it funny. Not anymore. Her gaze was steady on Josh’s for a moment when he mentioned getting a place close to Blackjack…if she wanted to continue working there. What do you want to do when you grow up? She’d only been asked that question once, by Tilly. And she had told her sister, “A doctor or a scientist or someone like that. No! I want to be a doctor right now.” In truth, all she really wanted to be when she was older was a twin. That was the only time she even thought of her future, a concept abandoned when her sister died. There was always hope, but there wasn’t a lot of thought about what she was going to do with a future she may not have. ”I really don’t know,” she said truthfully. ”On one hand, it’s illegal, but on the other…its good money and I’ve been working as a bartender for a while now. The stability is nice.” She didn’t know how easy it would be for her to find another job, because she didn’t think she was good at much. ”I…I guess I’ll have to think about that.” She was thinking about a lot lately, so it would be nothing new.

Then Josh brought up Pablo, and she nodded. Nell had thought of a lot of these things, but it was nice to have her boyfriend for help. It kept her from feeling too overwhelmed, even though that ship has sailed. She had only herself to blame for everything she was feeling right then, though, so she wasn’t about to burden him with her issues. ”Of course not,” Nell said, looking at the cat with a smile forming on her lips. It was nice to hear Josh laugh—he seemed to be doing better. ”Which reminds me, if I do plan on moving…I need to make sure he hasn’t done too much damage to the place. Or I haven’t done too much damage.” Nell wasn’t about to blame her kitty for everything, after all. She was clean and organized, but she couldn’t help it when she had poor luck with appliances and electronics. The phone issues she had were her own fault, but she didn’t plan on throwing anymore phones. However, the faulty electricity was the building’s fault at least. Thinking of all the issues that came with this apartment, she commented, ”I’ll just be glad to get an apartment where I don’t have to worry about falling through the floor…or someone falling through the roof.” She chuckled, even though her smile didn’t meet her eyes right then. There was a lot to be done, and yet all she wanted to do was curl up in her bed—no, futon that she couldn’t wait to get rid of—and do what she did best lately.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=style, width:380px; height:200px; background-image: url(http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss283/amostprofoundseduction/paper1.jpg); padding:3px 10px 10px 10px; border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px; -moz-border-radius: 30px 30px 0px 0px;] I'M NOTHING BUT A TIN MAN, DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN. rusted from the rain, I STUMBLE THROUGH THE WRECKAGE, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SALVAGE, NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME. AMONG THE BROKEN MIRRORS, I DON'T LOOK THE SAME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . He was glad for a chance to both spend more time with Nell and take his mind off of the stresses they were facing individually so he nodded when she confirmed that he could accompany her. He worried pessimistically for a moment that she might just be agreeing to appease him but Joshua quickly shot that down in his own mind. This was Nell, this was his girlfriend. He had to trust her and try his best to trust when she was being genuine even if he knew there was cause for some doubt. His trust issues were softened around her because he knew that he could tell her most anything without it turning into a fight, an accusation, a cause for concern. He knew this, he just needed to keep reminding himself about it. It was all too easy to forget that you were with someone you trusted if you were panicky and paranoid about yourself all of the time. The mention of her father caught his interest. She hasn't? I wonder why...? Had it been anyone else he would have kept these thoughts to himself. As it was Nell, however, he said, "Why is that? Are things okay between you?" By now he knew that he was allowed to ask questions of her. They had reached that level of trust and understanding. It didn't necessarily mean that he would have them all answered or that she wouldn't be evasive at times but to know he could ask was good enough for Josh. "Nevertheless, I'll do what I can. You know that." His lips twitched into a smile. Her uncertainty was hardly baffling and so Josh was not too concerned about it. Sometimes he had his doubts about what he was doing as well, everyone did. Stability offered comfort in that you didn't have to change or learn new things in order to stay as you were. At the same time, he doubted anyone would want to bartend for the rest of their life. She's going to college, he reminded himself. She'd get a degree in something (he realised now he did not know what) and that would help in the prospective employment field. "It won't be illegal for too much longer," he said. "As the legal drinking age here is nineteen, you've only got a little over half a year left." She had managed to hide her illegality (or at least convince others not to care) for a year now. She could hold on for another six or so months, right? Then something occurred to him--the trial. People are going to find out about her. Some already had. Even the thought silenced him for a moment. What would she do if her employers found out and fired her? Fuck, Josh, Nell is depressed enough. You can't point that out. He kept it to himself with great difficulty, not allowing his expression to shift and tip her off. "Besides, that doesn't mean you have to make a decision right away," he said. "It's just something to consider, you know, if you did have something in mind." In truth he'd somewhat forgotten about the idea of property damage. He'd gotten into a spot of trouble with his own landlord once because he'd punched a hole in the wall out of frustration, once. He'd saved up from work and done the repairs himself to stop from being kicked out. The building he'd lived in had been in a scummy part of town but it was smaller than Nell's at only three floors high, though ironically the apartments had been bigger. He'd liked the independence that came with living alone but he had to conclude that he preferred living with Nell or his family. He was solitary in personality but even he had appreciated having something to come home to. He used to sit on the couch in his apartment and talk to the cats sometimes. He wasn't nuts, he didn't think they could actually understand him, he'd just needed someone to vent to. Eris would continue destroying things (She and Pablo would get along, he thought), Chester would be washing himself, but Apache used to jump up next to Josh and snuggle into his lap. The blind cat was a nice companion. Pulling himself out of these reminisces, he chuckled at the idea of someone falling through the ceiling. "Imagine falling through and landing on the soft spot," he said. "Four floors later and you'd have a lot of apologising to do." He had a really terrible and sadistic sense of humour, didn't he? Ah, well. GO ON CRUSH ME LIKE A FLOWER, RUSTED FROM THE RAIN. COME ON STRIP ME OF MY POWER, BEAT ME WITH YOUR CHAINS. AND IF I'M THE KING OF COWARDS, YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF PAIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .

[NELL DOE DALE]

Josh questioned her lack of contact with Leon, and she was comfortable with this. Anyone else, and it would be her ‘complicated’ answer, but it was always different with Josh. Nell shook her head and smiled softly. ”Yeah, we’re all right,” she said, and it was true. She’d finally found stability in their relationship, and she knew some of that was because of the trial. He had handled it just as she’d wished he would, without so much as a missplaced comment. Nell was thankful for her father—hell, their relationship had stabilized beyond where Josh and his father’s was at now. It was amazing considering how much she hated him in the beginning. However, now she accepted him as a part of her life. Unfortunately, she was distancing herslf from everything, including her father. There was just a whole bunch of paranoia, and regret, and emotions she was trying to sort out. ”We just haven’t really touched base since the trial.” Still smiling, she played it off as nothing. It’s my fault, she thought. She was the reason they hadn’t ‘touched base’ since then. Her eyes flickered over to Josh’s and her face broke into a smile. ”Thanks, Josh,” she said, sincerely thankful that she had Josh. Even though she felt bad because she realized if he wasn’t living with her, she might have distanced herself from him just like her father. She certainly was trying to get back into touch with her friends, but in some ways she felt disconnected. Nell still cared about her family—or rather her friends who she preferred to think of as family—more than anything, but she herself felt alone.

She folded her hands in front of her and leaned against the wall in consideration. It intensified the sick feeling in her stomach, thinking about the future. There was a lot of uncertainty, and even though it would have been wonderful if she were in a fit state to be looking forward, it terrified her now. It’s safer hiding under the covers, she thought wistfully. It was definitely easier to deal with things when she was sleeping. Or rather not deal with things. ”I’d like to live a life in honesty now, ya know?” Nell cracked a half-smile. ”I wanna do things right.” She was able to actually be honest, and she wanted to embrace that as the genuine person she was. Therefore, staying at Blackjack didn’t seem like too good of an idea. What else did she have, though? ”I guess for now I’m sticking there and I’ll have to figure things out down the line.” She couldn’t decide anything right now, it seemed, and she felt rather incompetent. And to help with that, in the back of her mind she realized that Blackjack may find out about the fact she’d been working underage. She’d always thought about it, feared it, so it was simply something she’d learned to live with, to deal with, really. ”It’ll work out.” Or at least she hoped so. Maybe. She didn’t know if she hoped, per se, but she left it at that optimistic point.

Nell blinked at her boyfriend when he mentioned falling through floors, and laughed as she shook her head. ”You should write for Looney Toons or something,” she said, having a cartoonish image called forth into her brain. Even now, she still had a sense of humor. Not everything was dull and gray and there certainly wasn’t a cloud hanging over her head, pouring rain and frizzing up her hair. She was just sad a lot, even though she gave no sign of it, and a good way to deal with that little problem was to sleep. There was also the fact that she seemed to constantly have a stomache that stopped her from eating, but she tried not to think of everything else that was piling up on her laundry list of psychological trauma that needs to be dealt with. As she liked putting everyone first before herself, she felt more comfortable in trying to avoid thinking about her problems. ”I guess I’ll need to go to the hardware store, make a checklist, do all that busywork…eventually.” She wore one of her usual smiles as she tapped her foot against the floor. It sounded like a lot to do, though. Maybe tomorrow. Sometimes it scared her, thinking about this lack of energy when knowing that usually she would have loved to go shopping for everything she needed.