the hardest part | nell

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] Look at the way we live Down here I cannot sleep from fear, no
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .	[rs=3][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] They got on the bus at the same stop that he did. At first Joshua did not think anything of it, more focused on how difficult it was to extract change from his wallet and drop it into the coin slot. "Do you need some help with that?" He was sure that the older woman sitting in the handicapped seats at the front of the bus meant well but in his pride was quick to shake his head. "I've got it." The driver was sympathetic enough, at least, and didn't complain or even shoot him a dirty look for holding him up for a couple of seconds. It was embarrassing to ride public transit when it allowed people to take notice of his injuries but it was better than asking a friend for a ride and it seemed pointless to take a cab for such a short trip. Nell was at work and he liked to avoid leaning too much on his wife if he could help it. He felt it only called attention to the state he was in. The two gentlemen who had boarded the bus alongside him went up to the back and Josh took a seat near the front, watching as the LED screen flashed between the time, date, and stop name. When he got off, using the back door, he noticed that they were right behind him. A chill ran down his spine but he was quick to scold himself. Don't be stupid. They're not following you. They didn't go into the library when he did and so, satisfied, he took care of his business and ended up spending longer in there than intended. It was only when he glanced at his phone that he realised he'd missed the bus that he'd planned on getting back. Well, shit. It wasn't like he had anything better to do and so the Fire elemental decided to walk around downtown for a little bit and kill time. Maybe he could even stay out until Nell was due home from work and then spend the evening with his wife. Liking the sound of that, he left the library and began to make rounds of all the interesting locations he came across. It wasn't long before he saw them again. They were across the street and a little ways behind him but it was still too close for comfort. You're being silly. Yet as he went about his day, Josh could not shake the feeling. They were sitting in Tim Hortons when he stopped for a cup of coffee, sitting outside the restaurant across the street from the music store he popped into for a couple of minutes, never seeming to be completely out of his sight. A few hours into this and he was incredibly anxious, unable to focus on anything but the goosebumps that rose on his skin. I need to get out of here. Fuck. He hailed a cab on impulse and closed the door louder than he'd intended. It took him longer than it should have to shakily stammer out his address and he wondered if his face would be red from the flustered embarrassment. He kept his gaze fixed on the rearview mirror and his heart jumped when, only a short while into the drive, a car took the same turn as they did. And the next. And the next. Oh god, they're gonna follow me home. Oh shit. Oh shit. "I, uh, actually... uh, could we head toward the convenience store instead?" He gave the address of the place. "J-Just remembered I need to grab something." If the cabby noticed how shaky and frightened his passenger was, he said not a word. It was more money for him the longer they took and so there was no complaint on his part. Josh's hands were sweating as he wrung them together, anxious and watching as the car tailed them all the way. They're definitely following me. Fuck, if only I could read the plates... Before they'd even turned onto the street that held the store in question, Josh was formulating a plan. Get help. Get inside where there were other people, witnesses, a phone. Maybe they'd chicken out and back off. Maybe they'll decide fuck it and kill everyone. His thoughts weren't helping his anxiety. "You gonna pay or you want me to wait?" Josh already had the door to the car open before he realised he'd neglected to say anything on the matter. "Wait... please," he added quickly, noticing as the car kept going down the street and past the store. Unconvinced, he went into the store and realised he had no idea what he was going to buy. He didn't want the owners to think he was acting suspicious if he wasn't planning on asking for their help. Did they leave? What if they're waiting back at the house? Nell... fuck, she'll be home soon, won't she? "Can I help you?" The dry tone of the cashier snapped him out of it and made him realise that he'd been standing still and staring at nothing. He resolved to buy the first thing he laid eyes on. These were smokes, locked up behind the counter, and his mind was frazzled enough that he had gone through the entire transaction before he realised that he would have no use for a pack of cigarettes when he didn't even smoke. Not wanting to risk the embarrassment of "oh, nevermind", he accepted his defeat with a faked smile. The car was nowhere to be seen when he left the store and so he directed the cabby back toward his address, glancing around to look for the unsettling vehicle. It never reappeared and he ended up shelling out a good amount of money for a cab ride that would have otherwise been rather cheap. It wasn't the money that concerned him, though. He was shaking like a leaf as he got into the house, locking the door and sliding the deadbolt across, forgetting that his wife would soon be returning home. He was upstairs and sitting on the bed with the loaded gun cradled in his hands, still shaking, when he heard the doorbell and remembered. Shit. Whoops. He had the gun with him when he answered the door and if that wasn't enough of an alarm bell, he found himself checking out the door behind her to ensure there were no suspicious vehicles parked along the road. He didn't give her the normal greeting of a kiss and a smile, didn't ask about her day. Instead, his tone was low as he said, "Nell, can we talk? Like, now?" He didn't bother to hide the urgency, nor did he put down the gun. It made him feel safer. He didn't explain it, nor did he have an explanation for the cigarettes sitting on the coffee table in the living room. He was a mess.
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] I said "which way do I turn?" I forget everything I learned
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] made by taylor of aote for her use only

[NELL DOE DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; background-color: #46253a; padding:10px; border-top: 10px #d6b500 solid; border-bottom: 10px #d6b500 solid;] I BEG FOR MERCY TODAY Instead of taking her hair out at the end of the day, Nell put it up, rubbing the back of her neck as she finished up for the day. It hadn't been long exactly, but she'd been stressed. She'd told her father already what had happened, mentioned Jane, kept it all very vague because she would always be that way with him. And because there was a time when he trusted that she had some sanity. So while she understood that he didn't like her at all, she didn't exactly trust him. Nell couldn't exactly trust many people with information, because this was the mob and even the word bled danger and secrecy. Nell knew for sure, she had been compromised. It's what she thought of as she stacked the chips against each other in their rows. She'd been told it could work to her benefit. Though that felt sickening, to consider that her husband being jumped was a "benefit" in any way. Jane had made a move though, and it ended up a failure. She had always been flashy, and Nell had hoped before that it could be her downfall. But she'd committed a crime in Canada, even though it was through others -- she didn't have as much power, a foothold or a lawyer to declare a mistrial. She just wanted the woman to be somewhere far away from anyone, especially Josh, and she would make sure that it happened. By the end of the day, she was just glad to get to go home. She was tired and the only thing she could be glad for was the lack of drunks and no co-worker drama. One thing she was certainly not thankful for a was a freaking skirt, but she had a long enough coat that she felt all right going out into the cold. Her fear of engine stalling thanks to the cold were dispelled when Lucille started up fine and she could head home without incident. Maybe sleep. But that felt like a waste. She didn't like to sleep until she had to for the night because there was so much she could do otherwise. She supposed she would end up hanging out with Josh. Once home, she headed up and immediately tried her key before realizing that the deadbolt was locked. The door was locked, but she didn't think too much on it. She supposed Josh had just forgotten what time she would be coming home, and so she knocked and wrapped her arms around herself to fight off chills while she waited. Nell could tell something was off immediately when he opened the door, and she stepped inside, kicking off her shoes. She looked behind her when he did, and lifted her eyebrows at him when he spoke. He was obviously shaken and she always about to step in before she noticed his gun. Oh. She stared at it before lifting her eyes up to his. "Josh...cariño...what's wrong?" She carefully closed the door behind her, but didn't move any closer as she would have otherwise were he not holding a firearm while obviously distressed. WASH THESE DEMONS AWAY

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] Look at the way we live Down here I cannot sleep from fear, no
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .	[rs=3][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] Though it was not enough to bring him down from the panic that quickened his heartbeat and set his mind racing, his wife's voice comforted him. He did not know how to answer her question immediately—everything was wrong. He was being followed, stalked, they might catch up to him again. He was sure that they would not make the same mistake of using his own element against him a second time. "I... let's talk in the living room." He wanted to get away from the foyer with it's large windows that left him feeling oddly exposed. He could hear his pulse pounding in his ears and the sensation was disconcerting. Immediately after crossing into the living room, Joshua went over to the windows and drew all of the curtains over. The heavy drapes did their work well in blocking out most of the sunlight and so Joshua flicked his wrist to light the fireplace. Nothing happened and he appeared worried for a second, eyes narrowed in concentration as he tried again. The flame seemed hesitant at first but jumped to life after a couple of seconds. The sigh of relief shuddered slightly and he turned on one of the lamps before sitting down on the couch and patting the cushion next to him to ask Nell to sit down. He wanted her close despite what he was about to say. He didn't know how to handle the anxiety that churned in his gut. It was not a feeling he was accustomed to. It was only then that he realised the gun in his hand might be of some concern to Nell. He looked at it and then met her gaze, resisting the urge to bite his lip. How did he justify it? "I know how this looks, but..."? No, that didn't seem right. "It's... it's for protection," he told her nervously, hating the way that he sounded as unsettled as he felt. Nell knew him better than anyone and probably would have detected his mood either way but he hated that he was unable to hide it better than this. "I... they followed me, Nell, I didn't..." He couldn't decide on a path for his sentence to take and ended up trailing off, setting the gun down next to the unopened cigarettes on the coffee table and dragging his good hand down his face. He took a deep breath and said in a much steadier tone, "I'm sure they were tailing me. They were everywhere I was, they followed the cab, I would have led them straight here if I hadn't noticed." He had realised that he'd given no explanation of who they were but he was sure that Nell would not need clarification. Who else would be following him? The gang seemed as threatening as a litter of puppies now that he had attracted the attention of the fucking mob. He was shaking as he thought back to how they'd jumped him up in the mountains where there were no witnesses to hear him scream or to identify the assailants. I can't go anywhere alone, can I? What if they corner me? He didn't know how to speak his mind to Nell quite yet, couldn't form the right sentences. So he danced around the subject, admitting, "I'm scared, Nell. I don't know what to do." He would never admit fear to anyone else. Nell was the only person who ever saw him vulnerable and he hated to show weakness even to her. When it came to things like this it was near-impossible to hide.
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] I said "which way do I turn?" I forget everything I learned
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] made by taylor of aote for her use only

[NELL DOE DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; background-color: #46253a; padding:10px; border-top: 10px #d6b500 solid; border-bottom: 10px #d6b500 solid;] I BEG FOR MERCY TODAY When Josh started toward the living room, she hesitated, pausing in taking off her jacket. Did she trust him? He was her husband she just...didn't know what was going on. Nell hung her jacket up and went into the room to find him closing the drapes before trying to start up the fire. She stood nearby, crossing her arms over her chest. If it hadn't been apparent when she first walked in, if she hadn't asked the question, she could figure now that something was up. Josh wasn't acting like Josh, and she had no clue what to do or say. Then he patted the space next to him. Again, she hesitated. She didn't know what to make of this, her gut twisted painfully. But she went to take her seat and looked at him curiously, trying not to look at the gun, but she couldn't help it. Were anyone holding a gun, she'd be cagey. When he explained it, she simply nodded, still not understanding protection from what. She turned her head and her eyes caught the carton on the table. "And the cigarettes...?" she asked, nodding her head toward them. Neither of them smoked, unless Josh was planning to start. She wouldn't mind, and at this point it was honestly the least of her worries. Her skin crawled when he said that he'd been followed, and his closing the curtains and looking out behind her made sense. Nell was quiet, letting him explain exactly what had happened, while keeping just how worried she was from her expression. It was already bad enough having to watch him shake like a leaf. She only felt a modicum better when he put the gun down. "Did you call the police? Where they the same people?" she asked him after he finished talking about how he'd gotten a cab. Jesus, she didn't know what else to say. She knew she would have been better at it if Josh was hiding it, if he wasn't so upset. "They're gone now, you're all right." Nell felt like she needed to tell him that there was no danger present in that moment, but she also knew the reality that it didn't matter. Not when he was distressed like this, she figured that any words would just fall flat. She still felt the need to say them. Nell froze for a moment when he spoke next. He'd never admitted fear before. She would remember something like that. And what could she tell him? He had every right to be scared. It made sense, though, that they would be following him. They had unfinished business, and her stomach clenched again. On one hand, she felt the need to distance herself. It had been her fault this had happened, that he'd almost died. On the other hand, she didn't want to leave him alone for that reason. For the reason that they are still after him. After a beat of indecision, her expression softened and she brushed aside his hair before wrapping her arm around him. "I know," she said gently. She wished he'd stop shaking. She took a moment before she told him, "One thing that can be done is if you remember anything about them, even names, then it might create a lead. It could be something to go off of." The mafia wasn't just a group, it was a machine and that made things difficult. If it was an individual act of violence, it would be different. But it was something ordered by another, and just because law enforcement could do something about whoever jumped Josh, did not mean that would be the end of it. They weren't the only guys in the organization. She was sure Josh knew this, but it was a start and it was better than nothing. WASH THESE DEMONS AWAY

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] Look at the way we live Down here I cannot sleep from fear, no
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .	[rs=3][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] He had forgotten about the cigarettes. Gray eyes found them when they were mentioned and he wondered how on Earth he would be able to explain himself without sounding like a complete idiot. He was panicked but he still cared very much about how Nell saw him, what she thought of him. She was his wife, her opinion on his mental state mattered more than anyone's. "I needed to buy something," he said almost defensively. He did not realise until that point that he hadn't explained the intentional detour. Blinking, he amended, "I, uh, stopped at the store on the way home. Just in case." Just in case the mob decided that his house was a good spot for a murder. It made his stomach twist to think about it and the anxiety wouldn't go away. He hated this feeling, the vulnerability. Of course, his explanation didn't completely cover why he'd bought cigarettes instead of something like a chocolate bar but he was in such a state that it wasn't hard to accept his strange decisions. He felt rather foolish when she asked if he had called the police, like this should have been the first thing that he did when he came home instead of going upstairs and locking himself into their room. He'd acted on instinct and instinct hadn't told him that phoning the police was the right thing to do in that situation. He gave it some thought before answering, then defended himself with, "I didn't know who they were. Didn't get the plates, either. I couldn't have told them anything." He loathed himself for not knowing more about his situation, regardless of the fact that there was nothing more he could have done. He certainly wouldn't have had the balls to get out of the cab and walk up to them to ask for their information and licence plate numbers. The thought would have been laughable if any of this was at all funny. He knew it wasn't right to get angry at Nell but he couldn't help the frustration at her attempt to comfort him. "Would you call this all right?" He didn't raise his voice but there was an edge to it as he tensed up. "Do I look all right to you?" He was trembling and even the anger sounded diminished by his fear. He didn't feel all right. The guilt was quick to follow the burst of frustration and he looked away from her for a moment, biting the inside of his lip. God damn it. She was only trying to help but his temper didn't like to discriminate. "I... I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking back at her. "It's just... I don't feel safe. They've got in the house before, remember?" Though it was hardly necessary, Josh pulled down his shirt to expose the pale scar on his chest where the stranger had stabbed him. It had not been until his near-death experience that he'd realised what that had been. Attempt number one. It was amazing how the terror could subdue the burn of his rage, like snuffing out a candle immediately after lighting it. He'd never really been angry at her, not really, but the after effects still faded quicker than usual as Nell brushed back his hair and put her arm around him. He was still quivering, no matter how he tried to stop himself, but the physical contact was welcomed. He leaned against her and closed his eyes for a moment, drawing a deep breath and trying to collect himself. It was harder than it should have been because he knew he was going to bring up a subject he'd been dreading for weeks. He didn't want problems in his marriage, not so soon after they'd tied the knot, and yet the mob seemed to be deadset on driving him over the edge. "I can only remember one name," he said, shaking his head. "One of the guys that attacked me. Bruce, I think it was. And these were different guys." He was distressed and with good reason. He had nothing on the two unfamiliar men. You have to say it. His thoughts were of no help to him. He felt almost like a traitor sitting so close to her as he mulled over the things that were about to cross his lips. "Nell..." The change in his tone was enough to indicate that something was off. It was cautious and slow. "You... you need to lay off Jane, Nell," he finished, resisting the urge to look away. "I can't deal with this shit all of the time. I can't handle not knowing if I'm safe when I step out the door in the morning." There was still fear but he kept his words as strong as he could. He needed to sound certain about this. He'd been saving the pent-up concerns for a while. He hadn't voiced them because he didn't like to acknowledge that his wife was at all responsible for what had happened to him but if he was being followed then he no longer felt he had a choice. "It's too much." He felt that the gun and cigarettes on the table spoke volumes for him. He felt like he was losing control of his life and it was more terrifying than even the gang had ever been.
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] I said "which way do I turn?" I forget everything I learned
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] made by taylor of aote for her use only

[NELL DOE DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; background-color: #46253a; padding:10px; border-top: 10px #d6b500 solid; border-bottom: 10px #d6b500 solid;] I BEG FOR MERCY TODAY Because Nell didn't know the details of what had happened besides what he'd already said, she listened patiently as he explained the cigarettes. "Okay," she said, because it made sense. About the store. Maybe not the cigarettes, but she wasn't going to question his decisions when he was like this. It would be trivial, anyway, out of all the things she could wonder about, asking him why he decided that cigarettes would be the first thing he bought. When the mafia was involved, that was her main concerned and clearly they had followed him. She believed him that he'd been followed, she just wished she could have seen it coming. Though what could she do to stop any of this? Something. She would try her best, but she really was only one person and organized crime was a big thing. He told her that these were different guys, and that wasn't reassuring, but she didn't expect that to happen with this situation. How could she be reassured. "Different people? Makes sense..." But they were clearly with the mob, because who else would be stalking him? Even thinking of the word stalking set her on edge, though she was clearly much ore controlled than Josh. She wasn't the one being followed, after all. It was clear she said the wrong thing when he sniped at her. Nell simply blinked at his words and looked away, deciding it was best not to say anything else. Either she nodded or simply agreed with him whenever he got angry. A nod told him that she'd heard and accepted his apology, but she didn't look at him to see his scar. Instead she looked down. No, she hadn't forgotten that someone had gotten in the house. Yes, she understood that he didn't feel very safe. She was simply trying her best. Though hesitant to make any further attempts of comforting him, she figured affection would be better than speaking, at least. She just hated the way he even felt like he was falling apart. Nell listened as he explained. "One name may be good enough," she explained. "The mob is a syndicate, any connections to Jane or other crimes on his record is something to work off of. And a lot of people would snitch for the right things." It was good enough for now. And only if he's got something. The mob operated sub rosa, it was one of the most important rules other than keeping children out of it. But there would always be snitches, and they were always the key to bringing them down. And if Jane could be arrested again, and stay in jail, then they could collapse the part of the family that made Josh their target. She watched him cagily as he began speaking, unsure of what to make of it with just the beginning. But then he spoke, and she bristled for a moment. It hurt that he thought she would encourage the mob like that. Of course, she hadn't known that he was being followed, but if getting the mob off of him was as simple as that, she would have cut all ties with them immediately. Nell searched his eyes before finally deciding to speak. He'd made it clear there was no comforting him, so she opted for stark honesty. "If it worked that way, I wouldn't have gone near her in the first place." Jane had been a danger since the beginning. She paused in what she was going to say next, not feeling like she could actually get it out. "You're a loose end. Once the mob has a vendetta against you, if there's bad blood..." A lot of it was her bad blood. Though she was not a San Lorenzo, that's where most of her family ended up. Now Josh was inadvertently involved. "Sitting on my hands would be worse at this point." She wasn't going to do nothing when she had the power to control what would happen to her husband. WASH THESE DEMONS AWAY

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] Look at the way we live Down here I cannot sleep from fear, no
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .	[rs=3][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] The guilt twisted in his gut when Nell wouldn't look at him, his conscience mocking him for the way that he'd snapped at her. This was his wife, he wasn't supposed to get angry at her. And yet he did. Joshua was capable of getting upset with anyone and everyone if they said the wrong thing and while he hated the way that Nell wasn't an exception, he couldn't help it. His reactions were almost automatic. He bit the inside of his lip and tried to think of something else he could say to rectify the situation but he came up blank. He'd already apologised once. It would have to be enough and if it wasn't, well, he'd surely be regretting it later. I can't help that I'm stressed out. He felt defensive but didn't voice these thoughts aloud. There was no use making it worse for himself. It didn't feel right to take advantage of her comfort after nearly biting her head off but he was too shaky to deal with morals right now. Instead he took her hand in his uninjured one, focusing on the pressure and the physical presence of his wife beside him in an attempt to stem the flow of the panic. He didn't like all of this fear. It wasn't an emotion he was accustomed to dealing with. It made him feel weak. "Are you sure?" It was clear that he was having doubts. "It's only a first name, I didn't even get a good enough look at him..." He could probably describe Paulie and Bosko decently well thanks to the fact that they'd been the ones to attack him but he hadn't focused much attention on their lookout. "I guess it's all I've got, though, huh?" His words were grim and laced with bitterness. He hated this. He didn't like feeling weak, powerless to combat the assholes who'd nearly cost him his life. He didn't want to hear what she had to say. He didn't want to hear that there was nothing that she could do, that he was essentially shit out of luck until such times as the law was able to crack down on Jane and her part of the family. It wasn't me they had the vendetta against in the beginning. All the same, Joshua could not possibly blame Nell for the fact that her aunt loathed her as much as she did. He'd stuck up for Nell in front of Jane before and he would do it again even if the woman had now given him a good reason to be afraid of her. It wasn't Nell's fault that her mother had been violent and mentally unstable. Even to this day he refused to view Nell as a murderer. Killing and murdering were different things in his mind and they would stay that way. She was not a bad person. It was for this reason that he found it incredibly hard to confront her about this. Nell was one of the most trusting and genuine people he'd met in his life time and he loved her so much that it hurt to feel that there was any sort of negativity between them. He opened his mouth as if to say something against her, then shook his head and closed it again, looking away. Fuck, why was this so hard? It felt as if the fear was pressing down on his chest and making it harder to breath. Determined not to fall apart in front of Nell or show her any more of his weakness than he already had, he made sure he composed himself before he looked back at her again. "What will I do until then, Nell?" It didn't sound like a challenge. His voice was soft and he looked concerned. "They could have caught up to me again. What if they do? What if they..." He couldn't finish that sentence, shaking his head for what felt like the millionth time and pressing his lips tight. 'What if they don't screw up the next time?' sounded far too frightening to voice aloud. "I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Not knowing if it's safe to leave the house, or go to sleep, or go anywhere alone... fuck, Nell, what else did you expect me to feel?" He did not voice the response with anger toward her. In retrospect it made sense that she would do anything to protect him but he hoped she could see his side of things as well. He was afraid.
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] I said "which way do I turn?" I forget everything I learned
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] made by taylor of aote for her use only

[NELL DOE DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; background-color: #46253a; padding:10px; border-top: 10px #d6b500 solid; border-bottom: 10px #d6b500 solid;] I BEG FOR MERCY TODAY She gave a half-hearted smile. Even when he wasn't strong, she could be. Or pretend. It wasn't like she didn't feel afraid either. By default, she could be protected by the fact that she was a woman. That provided some form of immunity unless Jane wanted to start issue personally. But her aunt had always been smarter than that. Maybe this could prove to be a slip up for her. Nell would love to get revenge. "As I said, if there's something on him, it's only a matter of narrowing it down. I don't expect them to be using fake names, or anything like that, so it's something." She hoped she did at least a semi-good job at convincing. The Earth elemental looked collected, as confident as she could when her husband was falling apart. It wasn't like she could hide anything from him when it came to her concern. She felt personally responsible for the people she was close to. All her relationships prior to leaving New York had been caretaking -- she'd never known anything else, any other way to treat people. And so when something happened to them -- when something happened to Josh -- she blamed herself. Just like she would always blame herself for her sister's and mother's deaths. She was supposed to take care of them. She was supposed to take care of Josh. And so it made her feel worse whenever she realized that she was empty handed, that any amount of care-taking wouldn't matter. Nell wished she had something she could give to him. She didn't have the answers. She hesitated when he asked what else she expected him to feel. It was rhetorical, she understood that, but at the same time she had never expected anything else from him. She had never told him not to be afraid and not to feel what he felt except when she aimed to soothe him. And what did he expect from her in turn? She had none of the answers, she didn't have the magic words to make all this go away. Any words of comfort would probably just upset him like they had before, and so she brushed a strand of hair behind her ear to stall for time. Even though it hurt, she had absolutely nothing. She shrugged, tried not to make the gesture as helpless as it was. "Be careful," she suggested quietly. He knew that, but if he had expected her to pull any new ideas from her ass, he'd be sorely disappointed. If she had some other way to keep him safe without completely uprooting his life, she would have told him. "They've been working on Jane for months," she told him. "Now that she's made a move..." She looked down. "I'll try my best to speed the process along. Otherwise..." She shrugged her shoulders again. "My hands are tied." The woman had been trying her best all along. It's why she'd gotten involved with Jane in the first place. Not to hurt him, but to protect him. Did it even matter now, when she was sitting here only able to offer half-asses answers to her husband? She was fine with having responsibility on her shoulders, but not when she didn't have any way to claim it. "But...maybe I can ask about surveillance in the house? It would be something." It was her last attempt at any way to sooth him, other than keeping her hand in his and trying to make him feel better about this situation when she couldn't promise that it would all be okay in the meantime. WASH THESE DEMONS AWAY

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] Look at the way we live Down here I cannot sleep from fear, no
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .	[rs=3][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] It didn't feel very convincing. Nothing was convincing when it was his life on the line. He didn't like to think about how much danger he was in and yet at the same time it was all that he could think about. Paranoia didn't have an off switch. He couldn't deal with it only when he was feeling up to it, it forced itself on him at his weakest moments and made his walls crumble. When this was all he had it felt like trying to combat a downpour with a box of matches. "I guess I'd better tell the cops, then." He didn't like the idea. Going to the cops felt like the fools thing to do, it felt like snitching would make it worse for him, but it only took reminding himself that they'd try to kill him anyway to have him convinced. If there was a risk either way he might as well take the path that would lead to a chance at safety. A brief smirk touched his lips when she doubted their use of fake names. It might have been silly to take some comfort in that but it almost felt like they'd found some kind of a weakness. A chink in their armour, sheer cockiness and disbelief that they'd be caught. "And, well, they mentioned Jane directly. I don't know how much that'll help without proof, but..." Talking about it made him feel a slight bit better. It felt like it was going somewhere even if that somewhere wasn't a place he'd have preferred. In an ideal setting he'd prefer that they could have a guaranteed chance at bringing Jane's and her connections down. In an ideal setting they'd never have come after him in the first place. He had not really been looking to her for an answer. He knew in his own mind that she probably felt as powerless in the situation as he did and it was only his own feelings of helplessness that prompted him to ask. He didn't know what to do, where to turn to. Even the confrontation (if it could be called that with their lack of argument) had been a last resort. It was because he didn't know what else to do. The gang had frightened him into hiding out in his house and avoiding the downtown area but even at the peak of his problems with them, they were not the mob. They did not have the kind of organization and power that the mob did. It had not taken the police much to get most of the members on unrelated charges because they'd been a mismatched gang of street rats and delinquents. This was different. "I am careful," he said, more defensive than angry at this point. "But what am I going to do if they catch me alone and unarmed, ask them nicely to fuck off?" It was as rhetorical as the last question had been and he shook his head. His gray gaze left hers for a moment and found the gun, teeth worrying at his lip yet again. "I think I should start taking it with me. Just in case. So that if worst comes to worse..." He had to pause for a moment, not liking the thought of being cornered by them, "I'd have... something." His smile was bitter and about as far from genuine as it could get. "Trying to kill me, you mean." His tone was wry. He didn't blame Nell for the fact that the cops would see that as a good thing but he sure as hell didn't appreciate being their guinea pig. He'd rather be uninjured and completely unconcerned with Jane's actions. He was sure Nell wanted the same thing and it was one of the reasons he found it hard to be upset with her, no matter her connections to Jane or her dealings with the police. Her last suggestion caught his attention more than the others had and he narrowed his eyes and frowned as he considered it. "Do you think that would help? Make the place safer?" If anywhere, he wanted his home to feel like a safe haven. It hadn't felt like that since he'd made the connection between the random attack and the not-so-random attempted murder. It felt like a glass house, see through and fragile. "It would make me feel better about all this, I guess." He was glad that Nell was safe even though it made him slightly bitter to think that he was only being targeted for that reason. He certainly would prefer the heat on himself as opposed to Nell but it was better to feel that they were both safe.
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] .
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] I said "which way do I turn?" I forget everything I learned
[cs=2][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,5,true] made by taylor of aote for her use only

[NELL DOE DALE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; background-color: #46253a; padding:10px; border-top: 10px #d6b500 solid; border-bottom: 10px #d6b500 solid;] I BEG FOR MERCY TODAY The police were the best bet for everything right now. They were the ones working on Jane, the people involved with Jane, and they had been doing so for a while already. They had some things, and though she didn't know exactly what because she supposed she could be a liability to them, and anything else could quite possibly tip the balance. "If they talked about her, that means they're close to her. I know they had to have been watching her now and know the people she surrounds herself with." She didn't know if she actually spoke with a lot of the people who worked with her, but if the guys who jumped Josh said anything about her, it was a possibility. Nell was simply counting on the fact the woman was not as prudent as she should have been half the time. Clearly she shouldn't be speaking at all. It had been all she could say, and she still got reprimanded by him. "Josh..." she sighed, but she stopped before saying anything else. She let him talk about them catching up to him, the worst possibility, and neither of them wanted to consider that. And she had nothing to say to it. Her eyes followed his gaze to the gun, and she listened to him say that he wanted to hold onto it. It was illegal, but she wouldn't say anything against it. if it would help him, then why would she? "Do whatever you think is best," she said. He didn't need her permission anyway, he'd already made up his mind, but she felt that if she kept quiet he thought she wouldn't approve of it. At this point, she didn't care if he had an entire arsenal on him. Nell said nothing when he pointed out that her aunt had been trying to kill him. It was a good thing that she hadn't, and that's really all Nell had to hold onto that moment. They'd been sloppy, they messed up. She knew that Jane was well aware of the mistake she made, and bet that she was sweating right about now. "I don't think there's anything safer than police surveillance," she told him. This was one of the bigger things they were working on right now, she was sure they could spare time to protect anyone involved. She would raise Cain if they denied her that much after what she'd done for them. "Then I'll tell them," she stated simply. Not request, tell them that her husband should at least be safe in his house if nowhere else. "I've done enough for them that I should have some reparation." That, and she was pretty sure that they didn't want him to get killed either. The thought of it twisted her gut. WASH THESE DEMONS AWAY