if the battle don't kill you [alisander]

[NELL DOE DALE]

see my sun will just send you to war

Nell felt pride as she pulled into the parking lot in her purple Pontiac GTO. She had been working on Lucille for over a year, and now she was completed. The Earth graduate had taken her in to check the oil and for an inspection, and from then on it was hers to drive around. She would keep Gwen around, though, because the Pontiac was a sports car and not very good for every day things like shopping and carpooling. But the Pontiac was definitely better looking, and she felt proud of herself. She had created something from just a broken down, hollowed out skeleton of a car. It was a shame that winter did a lot of damage to engines if she weren't careful, but she would be careful with this one. She was too proud of it to let anything happen. Of course, she made sure to be careful with all of her possessions, but this was something special. Like her wedding ring, which she always made sure stayed on her finger unless she took a shower. If she ever lost it, she would be devastated.

She locked the doors as she got out of the car, tightening the scarf around her neck in the chill or the autumn weather. It certainly didn't feel like autumn, considering it had already snowed a few times. She looked at her phone to see if she had gotten a text back from Alisander, who she'd asked out for coffee to catch up. Nell hadn't spoken with him since she came back from her honeymoon, and life had been busy for a while after that. But now it was winter break, everything slowed to a calm and easy pace. Well, as easy a pace she could have with how much she took on in her daily life. Her hair was still down from work, though she had changed out of her obnoxiously glittery uniform into her winter coat and jeans. She had taken on day shifts now, a few of her evenings a week spent volunteering. Nell liked being busy and she also liked providing for herself. She was now rich through her husband, but she didn't want to rely on that money. The only time she did was when they went out on dates or if he gave her presents. Then she was willing to put her pride aside.

After looking around to see if the Wind graduate had already arrived, she went to order something for herself. She decided on a black coffee and chicken noodle. Nell smiled and paid, the image of cheeriness, even after a long day at work. At least nothing too bad happened. Days were better since not too many were drunk, and it was just the crowd that had the day off and decided to go out. That was the fun crowd, the one that did not turn surely if they lost. The woman wished that some people would understand that she did not control the odds and that she was simply the dealer. Working at the casino definitely had its downsides, but she enjoyed it overall. Much better than the concert hall, though only because Jane wasn't her boss. And she still had to interact with the woman on a regular basis. Before then it had been the daycare -- which she admittedly missed sometimes -- and even before that she had been a bartender. For having only been working three years, her job history had certainly been extensive. Even moreso than her majors, having gone from English to Philosophy to Psychology. Now she was sure that she had found what she wanted. Though there was always the prickling remembrance that she had always wanted a career away from her father (as a young girl all she ever wanted was to be a scientist like him) and that psychology was technically a science.

At least it's not biochemistry. Next year she would be taking an anatomy class and that was all in terms of science, other than psychology and literature. She knew that she would be even busier than she had been this year, but she was fully prepared to take on the workload. She didn't hate school at all, though she understood the pressures well. There was a time when she almost couldn't go into college. If she had been imprisoned, that would certainly not have been an option for her. She focused on her classes next year as she looked out the window, waiting for her friend to arrive. The Earth graduate looked forward to it, always enjoyed seeing her loved ones.

outfit.

[demos]

rest assured i will not let you down

His own thoughts made him sick. It wasn’t that they were sadistic twisted things, the thoughts which occupied his mind. Rather they lingered on a topic much better left alone. Of course, when his phone had rung – Nell’s picture lighting up his screen – he’d scrambled to answer it. And Alisander was not one for scrambling. But for Nell, he scrambled quite happily. She’d chattered away, inviting him to coffee, to which he had agreed immediately. There had been a happy few moments, blissful words, in which all that existed was him, her, and Tim Horton’s. He hadn’t seen her in a good amount of time. And as soon as that thought, the realization of just how long it had been, had crossed his mind – in had come those sickening thoughts. You see, there was a singular specific reason for why they had been apart. And it wasn’t even so much a reason as a person, a disturbance to their otherwise perfect friendship. Of course, Alisander didn’t exactly like this person – this man. It wasn’t that the man was unkind, uncouth, rude or any other such thing. He was quite the gentleman, actually. Intimidating, but smart and loyal. He was downright admirable in fact.

The only problem was, he’d married Nell. And this, well a part of Alisander could never forgive. Mr. Joshua Donovan Dale, a Fire graduate, known for being a traitor. And some time, far before Alisander had ever come to the school, he’d become the man to win Nell’s heart. Alisander had never even really had a chance. And this, in a strange way, was comforting. By the time he’d arrived, they’d been practically engaged. But of course, being the somewhat oblivious man that he was, Alisander had been blissfully unaware of this. He wasn’t now. It slapped him in the face, repeatedly. As it was doing right now. For the one thing Nell had been ecstatic to share, the point of return, was her honeymoon. They’d just returned, apparently. It was a glorious trip, beautiful, far more beautiful than anything Alisander could give her. Nell Doe Shepherd had slipped from his fingers, though he guessed she’d never been his in the first place. She’d never been anything of his. And now she was a new person, Nell Doe Dale, living in her fabulous mansion. He didn’t resent her happiness. Not in the least. He simply wished it was he who had made her so happy.

Perhaps he liked to torture himself. He wouldn’t say he loved her, not truly, not in that aching way that made the unlucky throw themselves from bridges. But he cared for her, deeply, in his quiet bookish way. He would never speak of it. But he was at her disposal, waiting for a request from her smiling lips. He was in a doomed love story, the unrequited lover. But in a way, he also preferred it that way. She would stay his secret, like so many other things. And she was a beautiful thing, even if admired from afar. This thought consoled him, as he managed to tear his mind away from honeymoons and Joshua Dale. He hunched his shoulders against the cold, quickening his pace slightly. He rounded a corner. Tim Horton’s was warm and delighting, looming in front of him. He glanced in the windows. He could see her there, her cheeks red from the cold. He paused, just a slight moment, to watch her unseen from the window. She was beautiful, in every respect. With this thought, his own private consolation, he pushed open the door. He stomped his feet on the mat, trying to bring blood back to his toes.

His smile was a small one, but he’d never been as energetic or expressive as Nell. He pulled off his gloves, shoving them in one pocket. He was eager to take off his coat, his layers and bundles. As embarrassing, and possibly childish, as it was – he’d worn his best sweater. Not his most expensive one, but the one he thought made him look most dashing. Phillipa had always said that the perfect man was a dashing gentleman. And he trusted her opinion implicitly, even if she was no longer there to remind him of it. He had a quiet smile on his lips as he approached her. He said her name, not a shout, but at a tone above that of a normal speaking conversation. “Nell!” His voice still had an accent, the hint of his Greek origins. He made his way towards her, hoping there would be some sort of hug involved in their reunion.

[NELL DOE DALE]

see my sun will just send you to war

Nell didn't want to imagine a life without her friends, so she held them close to her heart. They were her family, the closest to a real one she'd ever had. Alisander was a part of that family, and she cared a lot for him. He'd been around for her the three years she'd been here, and they had both come to the Academy around the same time. Back then she had been a fugitive, an underage bartender living downtown in a crappy apartment filled with her secrets. Thinking of all the secrets she kept from him, she felt bad. She wanted to tell Alisander these things, because as her friend -- one of the closest -- she felt he deserved to know. He deserved to know that she was a murderer, that she belonged to a mob family, that she could certainly be classified as dangerous. Everyone deserved that information, but her secrets stayed that way. Secrets. No one knew about her mother or her past or what she had come from. Most people didn't know she even had a family. Guests at her wedding had probably been surprised to see her walked down the aisle by her father, because she never acknowledged his existence to anyone. Even someone who knew her as long as Alisander had. And she could trust him with that kind of thing, she figured. He was quiet, not obtrusive, and very nice. Overly trusting as she was of everyone, she liked to believe that she had him down to a T. And he had his secrets, right? People had their own private worlds that others didn't know about, so it made sense. Or maybe she was trying to convince herself that everything she'd done was all right.

These thoughts only entered her mind for a split second before she chased them away. He entered and her expression brightened as he greeted her. She was glad to see that he looked healthy, his face flushed with the cold, his voice the same as she remembered it. As much as she liked France, she knew that she would never be able to live there. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Not because she couldn't adjust to another country, but because it wouldn't be home. And the people here in Maple Hollow, Alisander -- they were what made it home. "Hey, Al," she greeted warmly. She had taken off her own coat, a short-sleeved sweater underneath. Her scarf had also been removed and wrapped around the back of her chair, and she tried to come out some of the static from her hair with her fingers. Timmies felt very warm so she was comfortable, even when her powers felt dim, like a flickering light bulb. Instead of looking out the window to see how everything look in the pale winter light, she gazed at Alisander across from her. "I missed you!" she chirped happily. "How've you been since I've been gone. Did you choose your classes for next year?" They were in the same grade, so they could share in the woes of the college years. And all the good things about it. She looked forward to next year when she would be a junior. It meant more work, but it also meant she was getting even further in life and she loved that. However, she was more interested in Alisander and what he'd been up to.

She took a few moments to relish in the comforts that she had missed since being in a foreign country, things she took for granted. While she did have an insatiable wanderlust, she also loved the familiarity of the place she had come to call home. There was Timmies and the streets she recognized even if she couldn't navigate. All the signs in English, which was doubly comforting. Her friends were here, all doing good and healthy and it was litlte things that she appreciated. Like the small smiles Alisander had, and the books that he read and she liked to ask about. He went on mini adventures all the time, and she wished she could read more often. She always ended up rereading her favorites, but new ones were always welcomed. Lately it had been the DSM-IV and science textbooks. Not that she found them boring, she wouldn't have chose her major to be psych if she did, she just wished that between school and work and volunteering and everything else that went into her life, that she could start in on some new fiction that she wanted to study. "Oh, are you hungry?" She asked him, a tad worried. He hadn't gotten food, and she always freaked out when her friends were not eating. That just made her ill at ease, and it was something that most people knew about her thanks to the fact that if they admitted they hadn't eaten in a while, she would be ready with a bag of chips or some other source of nutrition. She was ready to provide for anyone in need.

outfit.

[demos]

rest assured i will not let you down

She didn’t go in for the hug. He hadn’t really thought she would, he’d more of hoped. He wasn’t one of those perverts, of course not. He hadn’t wanted to squeeze her or feel her chest or anything inappropriate like that. Not only was he a gentleman, but he feared Joshua Dale’s fury more than he feared the wrath of God. That was part of the reason he acted with such care around Nell. He would never dare let her catch on to his more intimate affection for her. Now that she was married, he knew well and sure that there would be no secrets between herself and her husband. And no man, no matter how gracious or self-confident or trusting in his wife, would appreciate another man entering the picture. So Alisander kept his opinions, his thoughts and feelings, entirely to himself. They were inconsequential, anyways. Well perhaps not inconsequential, but inappropriate for sure. Nell was a married woman, a happily married woman. He had no business interfering. As some annoyingly cheery optimist would say, there were always more fish in the sea. Sure, Nell might have been the biggest fish, the one others wanted to cook up for the Christmas feast. That was a morbid analogy, but an accurate one. She was the best there was. He would find someone else, someone he could care for. But in the traditional way of youthful adoration, he didn’t believe he could ever find someone better. It was a childish belief, but one held by many. Numerous woman would sob their hearts away, shriek about how their lives had ended – that they would find themselves old withered spinsters. But inevitably they found someone new, they married and had happy joyous lives and children who loved them. But that never stopped those moments, the absolute hopelessness.

He gave a little nod of his head, a small wave. There would apparently be no hug, despite his best wishes. He threaded his way through the tables and chattering people to where Nell had snagged them a table. He settled himself across the table from her, taking a moment to appreciate her short-sleeved sweater. It was very, her. Her hair fell around her face, frizzed ever so slightly. He wanted to reach out, brush it away from where it was static-stuck to her cheek. But of course, such a thing he would never dare do. He smiled, blushing and looking down at his hands. He was happy, happier than he should have been to hear those three little words. He’d wondered whether she would miss him. After all, why should she? She had been in Paris, with her newly wed husband – doing honeymoon things. He quickly pushed that thought away before it could go any further, make him feel sick to his stomach. He swallowed, leaning forward on his elbows. Timmie’s had lit the tables with candles, even a little holly here and there to match the holiday season. They threw shadows across her features, that danced to endless music. He smiled, he couldn’t help himself. Even if he couldn’t have her, he was happy to be near her. She did this to him, each and every time. He would happily do anything she ever asked of him. He looked back to his hands again, looking up through his shaggy curls. “Signed up for everything I need, even managed to avoid taking History. What about yourself?” It suddenly occurred to him, that having been gone, Nell might not have had the chance to sign up. In fact, she might have been too busy to get it done in time, perhaps preventing her from graduating.

He hurriedly offered, an eagerness to his voice. “I could do it for you, if you like, if you’re too busy I mean.” Plus, if he signed up for her classes, he could make sure she took the same courses he did. He lived for those extra moments. He leaned forward, an eager pleasing-smile on his features. He was a people pleaser, inside and out. But he didn’t see that as a bad thing, not necessarily at least. He rubbed his hands together, scooting his chair forwards. His bag thumped against the wood, reminding him of its contents. He’d brought along her wedding gift. He’d wanted to give it in person, to see her features when she saw it. He’d searched for weeks for something just right – someone no one else would think to give her. She was rich now, she had the world at her fingertips. She could buy anything she wished. She could, or Josh would. He reached down, but brought his hand up again. Now wasn’t quite the right time, wasn’t perfect. He needed a perfect moment. Instead he nodded, clearing his throat in an attempt to move past his awkward silence. “Starved, actually. I seem to have forgotten to have any breakfast.” He smiled at her, reaching for one of the menus propped up on the table. He hadn’t, in fact, forgotten to eat. He’d been too nervous to stomach anything.

[NELL DOE DALE]

see my sun will just send you to war

Nell had a lot of stresses in life, but her friends took care of them. She never felt bad around them, she simply felt safe and reassured. Happy. With them, she breathed easily. Alone, it was different. Alone everything got to her, and she knew that was one of the small comforts among many other bigger ones that came along with having a husband. She was never alone, not really. She always had Josh, and that was very comforting for someone like her. Despite her hate for seeming dependent on anything, she recognized how dependent she could be on the ones she loved. Even they didn't realize it, though by now she was sure Josh did. Though independent in certain mindsets, she couldn't get through the day without talking to at least one person. School usually made that very hard for her, to the point where she couldn't see many of her friends unless it was in class. At least it was in class though, then it was fine. She would be seeing Alisander in class, as well, as they did have many similar subjects. Even though he himself wasn't the most cheerful of people, he always had this calmness about him that she appreciated. It was comforting, his presence, and she liked to believe that he was someone she could count on. Whether it was a late night phone call or a simple request to go out and do something fun. She needed him because he was her family and he was a part of her like a leg or a limb.

Thinking about school, however, got her worked up a little because this was junior year. It would be getting tougher, and while she had always been a diligent student, even she felt the stress when it came to schooling and everything she would be needing to do for it. Apparently Alisander took care of everything, and she smiled at him. Of course he did, he was always on top of everything. She admired that about him. There was always qualities in her friends that she really admired and looked up to. She was like a small child surrounded by adults who knew a lot more than her, who could do things that she couldn't yet do. It made sense -- she had missed out on so much in life, and her friends had so much experience, even though they were around her age. She was twenty and yet she had such little experience in well, everything. Next to Alisander, she felt like a naive newcomer to...well, the entire world. And she was, someone who would always be behind everyone else. It was disheartening at times, so she never tried to think about it. Her expression lightened at the Wind graduate's question, shaking her head. "Nope, I talked to my counselor before leaving, so we had everything organized." She at least had the foresight for that much, knowing that there would be a small gap of time to schedule classes if she did it too late in the year. "But thanks! You know I could never ask something like that of you." He was so nice, sometimes she couldn't even take it. She wanted to pinch his cheeks. Or well, feed him.

Which she figured she'd be doing soon since he said that he was starving. People really shouldn't use words like that around her, even when they were hyperbole. She had this instant concern thing going for her that made her slam into instant worry mode, like someone hitting the brakes on a car. She didn't like it when people told her, oh, only had a bit of breakfast this morning. And nothing else. Didn't they realize how bad that was and how much it made her freak out? Of course, she didn't show how freaked out she actually was, but everyone understand how much it bothered her because of her concern for others. "That's no good, Ali!" she said, instantly in worrywort mode. "Actually, that's very bad for your body. You can seriously hurt yourself!" She chewed on her lip then, realizing just how much of a mother hen she sounded like just then. Not a lot of people actually appreciated being coddled. "Not that you don't know that or anything!" she said hurriedly. "Just that, you know...be careful." Her finishing word was a plea for him to take care of his body and not make her worry. She even had the big puppy dog eyes to help her case. She didn't want to see him end up in the hospital or anything because of his eating habits. Of course, she was overreacting. Her poor history with the matter had simply made her more paranoid than she should be.

outfit.

[demos]

rest assured i will not let you down

He would have liked to be a cat. He’d always thought that if in the end, when he died, he found out the Hindus had it right and he’d be reincarnated – he’d want to be a cat. He wasn’t really sure why. But sometimes he liked to think of all the cat things he would do. He’d climb up the highest tree, drape himself over one of the branches. He wouldn’t be unusually high, nor very close to the ground. But the height wouldn’t bother him, he’d always land on his feet anyways. With so many branches, climbing the tree would be no more difficult than stepping stones. Not that he would be one of those bragging or show-offy cats, strutting about for whomever might pass. No, he would be a regal cat. The height would be a comfort to him. It always made him feel literally “above it all”. He could escape the noise of the Academy, of constantly seeing Nell and Joshua gazing at each other with those too-round love-filled eyes. His mood soured slightly, regret coating his tongue. If he was a cat, and he had been in a tree, his claws would have unsheathed. HE would have sunk them into the bark of his tree, maybe pulled his lips up into something resembling a snarl.

But he was not a cat.

Somewhere far away, in that rich mansion district of Maple Hollow, Joshua Donovan Dale was sitting with his feet propped up – probably sipping some fancy middle eastern tea. In his meanest moments, Alisander could imagine Joshua with one of those pompous moustaches, laughing haughtily and twirling it around his fingers like some sort of dastardly villain. But that was only in his worst moments. In truth, besides his envy over Nell’s love, Alisander had no reason to dislike Joshua. He’d long since gotten over the elemental rivalry (he wasn’t particularly fond of fires). He’d seen their home, at that big Halloween party they’d thrown. He’d wandered through it all, mostly trying to avoid seeing them walking around arm in arm. They were just so utterly perfect. He’d stayed long enough to be noticed, too moon in the shadows, and flitted out as quickly as he’d come. There was only so much he could tolerate, only so many smiles and congratulations he could give. Plus Halloween stuff always creeped him out. He wasn’t sure why they had to go any farther than the pumpkins. What importance had chainsaws ever had to any holiday anyways? There was nothing cheery or celebratory about them.

He returned his attention to her, the shake of her head getting his attention. Her hair brushed nicely against her cheeks when she moved her head in such a way. His eyes were drawn to her lips, he had to forcefully move them away. He was acting like some stumbling teenager. It was embarrassing, shameful even. He swallowed, licking his lips. “You could ask anything of me.” He blurted it out without thinking. He’d been slightly disappointed to hear that she’d already scheduled her classes. He stumbled trying to fix his awkward words. “I mean we’re friends. And it isn’t a big deal. It wouldn’t have been much work at all. I mean, I don’t mind giving you a hand when you need it.” He swallowed before any more rushed words could tumble from his lips.

He smiled at her, lifting his hands in a calming gesture. He loved when she called him Ali. She was the only one who did it. It always made him smile, made his cheeks redden. But he wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world. “It’s just one meal Nelly.” He smiled at her, ridiculously pleased with her show of concern. “I won’t be wasting away anytime soon.” He laughed quietly, his accent had been especially thick when he said her name. It was a nervous habit of sorts. He imagined reaching across the table, taking her fingers, just to reassure her. But he couldn’t, of course. There would be no easy way to explain that one away. But a guy could dream. It was like that one Avril Lavigne song, “Things I’ll Never Say”. He could write a whole book on things he would never tell Nell. Maybe he would, just for the fun of it.

[NELL DOE DALE]

see my sun will just send you to war

For as much as she paid attention, she did not do well in picking up what certain cues meant. She didn't have very much experience in dealing with people -- that served as a good enough excuse, on her part. The way he brought his eyes away from her lips, licked his own. He was just getting ready to speak. Nothing more, nothing less. If he were acting really out of the ordinary she would have been concerned, but as it were she just accepted his words at face value. "You could ask anything of me." Her smile was soft. As if she could ever ask anything of him. He'd already given enough in his friendship. That's all she ever wanted, to get to know someone and be close to someone like she had with Alisander. He went on about the fact that it was because they were friends and she nodded enthusiastically, straightened herself. "The same goes for you! Anything at all I could do for you. But you're very sufficient on your own, I doubt you'll ever need it." She slumped a little, scratching the back of her head. Plus, what could I help you with? Even still, she had some problems in her self-esteem. Sometimes she felt confident enough to take on everything, sometimes she didn't know why anyone put up with her.

She didn't make anything of the blush. Didn't read into it, just laughed under her breath because it was cute. The laugh didn't serve to be anything cruel or judgmental, and she didn't think he would take it as such. She didn't really think about many of her actions. No matter how invested she may have been in other people and how they felt about her. With Alisander, she felt that they were close enough friends that she could do something and not have him judge her or leave her. But that would always be a worry of hers. She'd been left many times, either abandoned outright or because of something completely out of her control. Death took away a few of the people she loved most. She tried not to think of it in the way that she would be afraid of losing all her friends the same way, but it would always be in the back of her mind. And it did create quite a bit of paranoia with her friends and when they inadvertently worried her.

Like when he told her that he hadn't eaten breakfast that day. She shouldn't have gotten so upset, but this was her reaction to anyone telling her anything of the sort. Her connection to not eating one meal went immediately to they would fall very ill and then what? She didn't want that to happen to Alisander, it twisted her gut to even think about. Alisander lifted his hands in what she knew to be a calming gesture, and she shifted a little bit. "Oh, I know," she sighed, her shoulders sagging. Her lips quirked into a half-smile and she gave a small shrug. "You know me, though. I worry about you." She really did. If he said that he was sick, she'd be right over with Robitussin and chicken noodle soup.

She smiled when he took her fingers in his, and she squeezed his hand. He had a way of calming her and reassuring her. Sometimes her friends just made it even worse, but Alisander knew what to say to make her not have a panic attack. "All right, no go get some food in your stomach so I can ask your plans for the holidays. Maybe I can spend some time with you?" She posed it as a question, an offer. A lot of the students went away for the holidays, to wherever they came from in Canada or other parts of the world for their family. Nell's family was all right here, the only family she needed. Save for Juanvi, but he was getting old and her father did not like him flying out so much. She didn't know about his plans, but she had still gotten him a present. She bought a few things from France for her friends, something sentimental and foreign. She liked putting thought into things like that, like the present she had for Alisander.

outfit.