* this shit is making me tired, [josh]

[NELL DOE DALE]

[IT'S MARCH, BITCHES.]

Nell felt quite proud of herself as she drove, humming to herself as she tapped her fingers against the steering wheel. At work, she stayed late with one of the kids as she usually charged herself with doing, and spoke with the father when he came to pick his child up. It made her think of her own father when they spoke about the little girl who’d managed to make a mess with fingerpainting it got it all over her dress. It made her think of León, even though they had never had a relationship like that. He’d never picked her up from Daycare, and he never comforted her after a fingerpainting mishap—there was no fingerpainting anyway. But still, she realized as the man held his daughter and patted her hair to reassure her that he’d get her a new dress, that she should really try to get back in touch with her father. She was sure now that even though she didn’t know exactly how it’d work out, she wanted a relationship with him. She wanted to be able to talk to him, and once she got past the bitterness and anger she first felt upon his return, she figured out that she actually liked him. He could be a dick, but once she grew accustomed to it and he no longer ruffled her feathers, she realized it was just his sense of humor.

It was with the steadfast belief that she could make up for months of absence that she turned and braked at the gate. The gate wasn’t going to open. How did she know? She narrowed her eyes at the sign that dug in front of the gatehouse. For sale. For sale. For fucking sale. Nell tried to tell herself not to freak out. That didn’t mean anything. Neither did the fact that he wouldn’t pick up his phone when she called him to warn him of her impending visit. She pulled to the side of the road and turned the heat up when she found his work number that he gave her for emergencies—at the time she’d told him that she wouldn’t contact him even if she had her foot caught in a bear trap. That was almost a year ago. A man picked up, and she asked, ”Is León Fuentes available?” There was a small pause and she wondered what the secretary or whatever he wanted to be caled was doing before she got a reply. ”No, Mr. Fuentes resigned about two weeks ago.” She thanked him and hung up, tossing the phone into the passenger seat. About two weeks ago. She couldn’t deny the signs now, they were a bit too obvious to ignore.

She felt a strange sort of anger when she made her way back to the apartment, and it was mixed with a collection of other emotions—sadness, helplessness, curiosity. Where did he go? Was he going back to California? Was he going to fucking Spain? Her thoughts were more or less a string of curses surrounding his name. And her own. Because she realized what she did. Months of ignorance clearly sent the message that she wanted nothing to do with him, and he took it for what it was. The only reason he even moved to Canada was because of her and he wanted to help her. It was only two months, she thought, and it was almost as if she would cry. But she wouldn’t; he didn’t deserve any emotion like that from her. Only two months. I waited for him for years. She would have taken him back any time when she was living with her mother. Sometimes she even hoped that would happen when she was desperate enough. She thought of what Jane had told her, that she was just like her father, that she was a coward and Nell hated the fact that she’d proven the woman right. It still didn’t make what he just did any better, because even though she was an adult and she had blew up on him several occassions, he was still her father. He was the only family she had.

When she entered her apartment, she did so with a fierce slam of the door and then she realized that Josh was home. Right. ”Hi,” she said slowly, pointing in the direction of the door. ”Sorry about that.” Nell wasn’t going to make up some excuse like it was a draft or that she underestimated her strength. But she wasn’t sure what she should say. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, all that would come from it would be expletives and anger. ”I am going to eat and calm down.” Food, food would help. Food was a good thing. She made leftover Chinese that was usually a staple in her fridge and sat on the couch to silently fume. Slowly, after the immediate rage simmered into irritation, it was replaced by worse feelings, feelings that she thought she’d gotten rid of. Loneliness and sadness. It was like history in repeat—she could almost remember the anger she felt when she realized her father wasn’t coming home and she lied to Tilly until the girl caught on. These were not feelings she ever wanted to have again, but it looked like her father just loved to abandon her.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He felt more at ease now in Nell's apartment, confident in their relationship now that he didn't have to spend half the time worrying about what he said and what he did around her, not wanting to chase the girl off or startle her. It was a little weird to think that he actually lived here now—for months he'd convinced himself that he was leaving 'soon'. It had always been soon when he'd considered it in his mind and he'd left it at that all of the time, never wanting to actually make calls or make plans to move out. Because, and he knew the truth now, he hadn't wanted to move. He liked it here and he liked being with Nell so as long as his family didn't need him around and she wanted him around, he would stay. He called his parents daily and could even talk to his father on the phone with minimal awkwardness now, making sure that Patrick was not causing any new issues. He wasn't. They didn't really talk about themselves, though. He sometimes wondered what it would be like to have joking conversations like they used to. He remembered sitting in the living room and discussing their day-to-day lives with one another, guy time, father and son time that was rare but cherished. It wasn't the same with his mother. He'd never had to work for her affections, she gave them without hesitation. They weren't gone enough to long for them.

He was currently playing around with some sort of puzzle. It was a bunch of oddly shaped and curved blocks fitted together and they had to be pulled apart in a specific order for the solution to work out. He'd been messing around with it for the past fifteen minutes to no avail but was quite entertained by it anyway. Josh was a man with a lot of patience. If he was waiting on something, he was patient. If he was listening to someone, he was patient. And if he was messing with what was essentially a toy and could not make heads or tails of the next move, he was still patient. Perhaps a person of lesser calm might have chucked it at the wall by now just to be done with it but he was determined that he would work it out. The already detached red, purple, yellow and green pieces were sitting in his lap. Despite it having been fifteen minutes into his little session without much further progress, Josh was confident that he could get it. He'd already solved easier ones of this type but this one was just proving to be a challenge. He loved challenges, loved pushing the limits of his patience or his knowledge. Not much knowledge was to be gained by sliding bits of wooden blocks along each other but he didn't mind so much, as long as he was amused. Just because he liked learning did not mean he had to do it all the time. His concentration was shattered, however, by the loud slam of a door. Blinking, his gray gaze was cast toward the offending object to fall upon his girlfriend in surprise. Assuming it was just the wind that had done it, he nodded and cast her a smile when she apologised.

Eat and calm down? There was something off about her tone and the words did not sit right, either. "Okay," he said regardless. He did not move from where he sat as she came back with Chinese and took her place on the couch, did not speak. She had said that she wanted to calm down and so he was going to give her a bit of time to do that. Suffering from a temper problem himself, Joshua was prone to irritability when he was in his cool-down period and it was generally best to give him his space while he vented off the steam. Nell was not as easily infuriated as he was and so he hoped that it was alright that he only waited until she had finished eating before saying, "Are you alright, Nell? You seem wound up about something." His tone was gentle in its inquiry, not wanting her to get the wrong idea. It had been a bit obvious by the door slamming that she was not in the best of moods and he hoped she didn't take his pointing out the obvious to be offensive. Angry people were tough to handle. He was a living example of that. "What happened?" It was not often that his girlfriend came home in a rage—in fact, he wasn't sure it had happened before at all, not to his knowledge. She'd gotten angry at him once for "cheating" but he tried to think of that as little as possible. He'd told her they would bury that hatchet and they had.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell was infuriated enough that she didn’t even realize at first that she may have disturbed Josh from working on his puzzle, that he was even doing something. Normally, she would have found humor in the fact that instead of lounging around and watching TV, or something like that, he was working on a puzzle. She wasn’t in a good enough mood for humor, however. She was in a good enough mood to eat, though, and even though she usually advised people against eating when they were angry, she could see the allure. Mostly, she just didn’t know what to do with what she was feeling. She wasn’t an angry person, her fuse was not easily ignited. She stopped eating as she thought, barely stirring as he spoke up. She stopped herself from answering, because she knew what would come out of her mouth would be in a different language. It would be the words she wanted to say to her father. It wasn’t Josh she was mad at, though, so she didn’t take her anger out on him. It was her father that kept disappointing her, that kept leaving, like the rest of their family. She thought that maybe their loneliness and the people they lost and those they never had could unite them in a way, but she’d been clearly wrong.

Most of the box finished, she took to merely stabbing at the rest of the noodles with her fork, staring ahead as if she could burn a hole through the wall. ”I’ve been trying to get back in touch with my father for a while,” she told him. ”Calling him. He hasn’t been picking up.” She wasn’t done there, because she wouldn’t have simply been pissed about that. If she was that easy to anger—even if it was with her father—she would have had this reaction earlier. ”So I stopped by his house. It’s for sale.” As she continued to speak, she felt her blood boiling again, but she managed to reign it in so she just felt like her body was on fire during an earthquake. ”Called his work. He resigned two weeks ago.” Nell placed the box on the coffee table and then crossed her arms, sliding back against the couch, deflating. She turned her firm gaze on Josh. ”He’s gone,” she finished simply, shrugging. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like she expected something different, everything to turn out the way she wanted it because it finally seemed okay. Her father was around, and she thought that maybe the fact they were both adults now would keep him there. He didn’t have to raise her anymore, after all, the only responsibility he had was as support. Unaware of the decision herself, she knew that she wanted a friendship at least. A familial bond that neither of them got from their relatives.

As she admitted it out loud, it became harder to deal with. Harder to accept. Is this what life is? she wondered. The people you love moving in and out? She remembered talking to her friend about his mother, how he hadn’t seen her in five years. They just fell out of touch. How people don’t talk to their siblings save for holidays, how they haven’t seen their closest friend in years. Everybody was seperated from everybody else. And she’ll eventually be one of those people who shrug and say about her father, “I haven’t seen him in two, three years.” The only family who ever showed any semblance of regret, of atonement, of wanting to be around her—and she fucked it up all byherself. She wondered if that’s how it was going to be for her and Josh, wondered if one day he might slip away and she’d have to move on with her life. Nothing was stable. She squinted her eyes. ”I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more.” You can’t blame him for all this, that logical, annoying voice told her. It’s your fault too. You both suck at being family. It was just another thing she had in common with her father, she supposed. She was her father’s daughter. ”I shouldn’t even be mad.” But she was, and she felt bad for putting all this on Josh. For most likely pushing him away. Maybe that’s better. She could see what had appealed to her mother so much about not trusting anyone—you might not have loved ones, but you wouldn’t be able to hurt, either.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He felt a certain degree of upset for Nell's anger, worried about her and what had caused her to react this way. He was confident at this point that he was not the cause of her frustration seeing as she wasn't taking it out on him but that did not alleviate his questions and his concerns. Anger was not fun, he knew it wasn't. It was all-consuming and it sucked the energy out of a person after a while. He remembered a few times in his life when he'd gotten so frustrated and confused that he'd just locked himself in his room and slid down the wall, physically shaking, nails cutting into his palms when he clenched his hands. He'd hide himself away to avoid blowing up at family members, afraid that he might actually hurt one of them. He would never do it on purpose, never intentionally wound a loved one, but he could not control himself as efficiently when he was in a temper. He knew that Nell's anger was likely much different to the anger of someone who struggled with it but he still wouldn't wish the feeling upon her. He was patient as she ate, as patient as he'd been with the puzzle he'd been working on. Wait, just wait, and it'll work itself out in the end. It was like a quiet rule of his that could be reworked and reworded a number of different ways. If he allowed her to calm down at least a little, he'd (hopefully) be able to get a coherent answer and not a snarl of pent-up fury. He knew that sensation, too—one of now being able to get the words out because you were so busy trying not to scream at everyone and anyone that dared cross your path. Nell probably didn't know these extreme points of anger but he'd be courteous of them just in case.

He was surprised to hear the words 'back in touch' when Nell referred to her father, having been unaware that they were not speaking. It wasn't like he'd suspected anything was out of the ordinary and they generally only discussed the family of one another when it was brought into conversation. Nevertheless, he didn't ask questions about why they'd stopped talking to begin with and merely allowed her to finish her explanation in peace. There was a sweeping feeling of unease when she went on, guessing where it might be leading when she mentioned the fact that the house had been put up for sale. An optimist might have just assumed that Leon had moved to a different part of town but knowing what he did—that Nell never got angry, that mansions were a bit hard to come by—Joshua doubted that it was the case. He swallowed to prevent himself from asking anything else until she'd gotten out what she needed to say. Gone, he thought. The word had a resonating quality to it, a sense of finality. Gone and probably not coming back if he'd not bothered to at least call his daughter and let her know. "I'm sorry," he said sympathetically, touching her arm lightly. "Do you know anyone that might have a number you could contact him at?" He didn't know whether Nell would want to get in touch with the man after he'd just upped and vanished on her but he asked it just in case, relaxing in his wariness now that he realised she was not treating him with any disgust or distaste.

He was not in agreement with her when it came to anger, believing that his girlfriend had every right to be upset. "Anger is justifiable," he said, in a light tone that was not meant to be argumentative. He was not arguing his opinion into the conversation, mainly voicing it. He got angry over the most ridiculous things and Nell was concerned that this might be a stupid thing to be infuriated about? Wouldn't she love to live in my brain for a day? He became miffed if someone so much as looked at him funny. It didn't mean that he'd deck them or do anything else about it for that matter, merely that he was irritated by it. Everyone in her life leaves her behind. Either that or they didn't care much to begin with. The thought was a rather depressing one. Her mother had never loved her, her twin had died, her father had deserted her—twice, now. Add in the manipulative, hateful aunt and the bitter grandparents and there was not a very good sense of family support. He liked to consider himself as a good source of support for Nell and he certainly regarded her as highly as he did his family but he supposed it would not be the same. He couldn't say for sure because his family were around. He also didn't say 'at least you've got me', because that would sound selfish and a bit conceited. He was not her father, could never be that for her. "What made you stop talking to him in the first place?" he asked. "Things seemed okay at Christmas." It was an open statement, leaving room for her answers and corrections if she was willing to give them.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Normally, she’d have loved to pull Josh to her and cry on his shoulder and hold on to him for dear life but that now seemed like the worst idea. It would be easier to separate herself from him, it would be safer. He was the closest she’d ever gotten to anyone, and that was scary now, not comforting. Everyone eventually leaves, or dies, or disappears, she thought, feeling a different kind of emotion push its way into her throat. When do I get to disappear? Nell barely noticed the touch, because she just wanted to shut it all away. It was her immediate reaction. She supposed she was doing better in that she actually told Josh all this, but she still didn’t know how to properly cope with things. ”No, not really,” she said. She didn’t know many of the people that León spoke to and associated with. He didn’t keep in contact with his family save for his grandfather and she didn’t think that her bisabuelo would have another way to contact the man considering he was in Spain. Who knew, maybe that’s where her father went. ”He made it clear that he doesn’t want contact, anyway. It wouldn't be worth trying to get a number.” There was no way to keep the bitterness from her voice, but it sounded more exhausted now, winded as if she’d been running a long time. His avoidance was clear, there were no mixed signals to interpret, no way around it.

Maybe anger was justifiable, but she still didn’t want it. She didn’t want his disappearance to affect her again like it had all those years ago. She didn’t want ot be as weak as she felt, and she certainly didn’t want the sadness either. She hated that her father had gotten close to her again, that she actually let her guard down for him to come in, and then he pulled this. Josh’s question made her tense, and she closed her eyes because she hated to admit to her own wrongs at a time like this. Hated that she couldn’t just hate her father for all it was worth and leave nothing for herself. ”I don’t know, I had a lot of stupid reasons,” she said, an edge to her tone. It was now anger at herself. ”I was scared that once the trial was over, that he’d still think that I hated him like I did when he first came back and that his only purpose in my life was his money. And I was scared that…maybe he hated me back for what I did.” She quieted for a little while after that, because it was always unnerving considering the fact that she killed his wife. His ex-wife. The woman he said he’d still loved, even though he abandoned her. Maybe that’s another reason why he left me, she thought, even her thoughts bitter. Because I was having trouble just like Mia. But she got better, and he couldn’t have waited for that? ”I didn’t know what I wanted from him for a while, because he certainly couldn’t be a real father. Not anymore.” As much as she realized she did want him around, the relationship that they could have once had was impossible.

She sighed, and now that the immediate anger had passed when she realized just what was going on, she felt drained, running on empty. ”It’s my fault,” she said, and the revelation aloud was mostly for herself. It made her feel like maybe she didn’t deserve anything, anyway. If she was so good at fucking everything up, why make the effort? She’d killed her own mother, and now she had another decision to regret. Not to mention the fact that she could have helped Tilly at least have a proper childhood. She didn’t deserve family. She didn’t deserve Josh. Everything was sinking like a stone. So are you going to become like your mother? The thought wasn’t too scary when she thought about it now, how much easier it would be. Nothing would change how much she loved other people, but what she could change was letting those people in, getting attached to anyone when relationships were so easy to strain and break. ”Sorry, I’m doing the whole talking to a brick wall thing,” she said when she chanced a glance at Josh, speaking lightly as if what her father did hadn’t affected her as profoundly as it had. The heartbreak was apparent in her eyes, but she was calm and placcid as ever. Because she didn’t want anyone to leave her again, she wanted to be the one doing the leaving. She was tired of it all, and the best thing would be to just shut down.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua was silent for a moment, trying to come up with something to say, some way to show his support when she pointed out that Leon didn't want further contact with her. He wanted to find a way for everything to work out and everything to be alright again but the world didn't work that way just because he'd have liked it to. Joshua couldn't think of anything. Now he knew how Nell must have felt when he'd told her that he couldn't be with his family any more because his father had kicked him out and disowned him. That was because of her, though. It had probably felt worse. He knew that he had no part in her father's vanishing but that didn't change the fact that he felt bad for her, at least. It was not pity, no one liked pity. It was more like sorrow. "If that's the way you feel." He was not going to argue with her and say that she should try regardless because he understood how things like this worked. It didn't matter if it would be the wise thing to do, sometimes pride and hurt just didn't let some things happen. And maybe it would turn out worse in the end if she tried to reconnect with him. What if he ended up turning her away and making the wound even larger than it already was? He moved his hand down and slid it around hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. I wish life was kinder to you, Nell, I really do. He knew that he hadn't lived through the most remarkable existence but he was at least at a decent point in his life. She'd had a bad childhood and her teenage years were shaping up to be hellish.

Though he could see the sense in her reasoning, Josh could also not help but think that she'd behaved a little irrationally in shutting out her father so soon. "Did you even give him a chance?" he asked gently. Oh, Leon had probably botched his chances now, Josh understood that. By leaving he had likely solidified Nell's distrust and proved her right in some way but the Fire graduate could almost see things from the man's point of view. What was the point of trying to stay in someone's life when they didn't seem to want you there? "If he hated you, why would he have helped you with the trial? Why would he have answered my questions—we don't get along, your father and I—if not to help you?" He kept his voice at its gentle tone, not wanting to come across as condescending or brutal. He didn't think that Nell was entirely unjustified but he was not going to lie and say that everything had been Leon's doing. He remembered how Leon had only helped him because of Nell and wondered why in hell he'd have done that if he didn't care about his daughter after all. He was still a bit of a scumbag for leaving and for ditching a second time after he came back but it was not clear whether he was entirely to blame. "Did he at least try getting in contact with you?" He hoped his questions were not too pushy. "Not to tell you he was leaving, before that...?"

The corner of his lips twitched into a reassuring smile as she apologised. "Talk at me all you want, I'm not going anywhere." He didn't plan on it. He knew he couldn't predict the future but at the moment there was nothing about Nell that made him doubt their ability to hold down a relationship, even if the girl was doubting it herself. They'd been through hell and back for one another. He'd been abstinent for months, he'd supported her through a war, a murder trial, been silent support for depression. What more could he do for her? He wanted to make sure that she knew how much she meant to him but sometimes he really didn't know how to go about doing that. It seemed she always doubted herself and the people in her life no matter what happened. Not that he could truly blame her, given the track record of her loved ones. And speaking of blame... "It's not entirely your fault, Nell," he said. "It takes two people to maintain contact. He could have put in a better effort. Maybe you could have as well, but you're not the one who abandoned him."

[NELL DOE DALE]

Josh’s hand in hers wasn’t comforting anymore, not when she already felt this shitty, so she didn’t respond to him. Didn’t speak until he asked the damning question, inquired about the fact that she’d turned her back on her father. ”No, I guess not,” she murmured. The depression made her want to close everyone out. If she didn’t live with Josh, if he didn’t stay in her life, then he would have gotten a similar treatment. She thought it funny how she pretended to be strong, when in actuality she was just weak and destitute. She couldn’t even handle how much of a screw-up she was. Josh brought up scarily valid points and she couldn’t argue against them. She knew what her father had done for her, and she was flad for that. She wouldn’t have made it through the trial if he hadn’t helped her with the lawyer, god knows what would have happened with Josh if he didn’t help. ”I didn’t know why he helped me,” she said. ”What if he was just trying to make up for what he did to his family by coming back? When he first showed up he tried to support me just by giving me access to his bank account. How do I know that he actually cares about me more than his atonement?” He never actually told her anything like ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re a good kid’, things that would have made her a little more inclined to believe in him. The cynicism over her father’s intentions was also because she’d been used in her life before, and as she thought about it, she realized that she’d always been objectified. With her mother, and her aunt, and she knew with her father too. He just wanted atonement.

Did he actually care? Or was it just like how everyone eventually abandons each other? The world sometimes felt like it was full of people using each other to meet their own needs. And she hated that that was all she was her entire life—she was an object for her mother’s violence, she was an object for her aunt’s vengeance and atonement, and she was an object for her father’s atonement as well. And it was another pang when he questioned whether or not León tried to talk to her. ”He called, in the beginning,” she admitted. ”Then he stopped.” That much was obvious, but even saying it hurt. He just gave up, like he always did. But Josh was right. She gave no signs of wanting him around, and its not like she needed him for support. She knew that he most likely noticed the stop of the draining of his bank account, which was purely intentional. And it brought up the questions again. What did he think of her? There had to be some loathing inside him over the fact that she killed the woman he loved. And maybe just like Mia, he also blamed her for Till’s ailment. Not that he ever cared about her, she thought, and even when she thought it, she knew that was mostly because he was aware of the attention her sister got from their mother. ”He could have waited.” He knew she suffered because he was the one who suggested therapy, but of course he didn’t know the extent of it. She hated the fact that she kept defending him in her head, hating the fact that Josh was making her realize these things. It doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s god knows where and your powerless to do anything about it.

So even as she apologized, she knew that telling Josh about it didn’t matter. It didn’t change things, didn’t even make her feel better. ”Everyone goes away eventually,” she sighed. That’s what life taught her. Growing up, that’s all she had an example of. Jane had been around for a little while before she lost touch with Mia, her father left, her sister died, she killed her mother… Nothing’s built to last, and she could never have any happy endings. It was painful to realize, because she hadn’t come to the full appreciation of the fact that no one in her life sticks around. Josh sticks around. Still, she let the doubt creep in. She let herself remember when he’d avoided her for two weeks, and she had to wonder if she didn’t finally approach him, would that have been it? Plus, she’d only known him for a little over a year. She had people in her life for longer that just disappeared. Nell didn’t forget all that he went through for her—of course not—but she didn’t know if she could believe love was enough. ”Yeah well, we both fucked up, so its not even worth talking about. He’s gone and that’s that.” It wasn’t a sign of moving on or getting over it, it was a sign that she was just over trying to make things work and ending up just doing everything wrong. ”But thanks for listening anyway.” She didn’t want to need Josh, though, so it would be nice if this was the last time that she opened up to him.