TO FIND WHERE YOU BEGIN , (tagged: Devin)

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua had thought that things were going to be resolved when the trial came to an end. He had assumed with a rare optimism that everything was just going to fall into place and work the way he wanted it to, simply because for once something had went alright for him. After long months of pessimism, his girlfriend was free. Undoubtedly, indefinitely free. There were still going to be problems but jail was not going to be one of them. Unfortunately for Joshua, intimacy was. He almost cursed himself for thinking about it. Another rare thing rose in his chest. Guilt. He felt bad for wanting what they did not have with one another, felt bad every time he so much as thought about making the next move. Nell has enough on her plate. It was true. He was starting to pick up on subtle signs of a Nell that was not Nell--the trial had awoken something within her. He had waited so long for a resolve so that he could have a girlfriend the way he wanted and now he was going to have to wait even longer. Stop being so selfish, he scolded himself as he stared into the small glass of whiskey ("on the rocks"). The golden liquid did not have it's usual pull on him. If anything, it only increased his guilt. You should be comforting her right now and you're moping over the fact that she won't sleep with you.

Actually, Joshua had no idea if she would. It wasn't like he'd ever tried anything on her. He was not shy--anyone who knew his track record could vouch for that--but he was hesitating. Not for his sake, but for hers. He had days when he got bitter and wanted to feel angry toward Nell because of how she seemed to be leading him on unintentionally but he usually managed to talk himself out of that nonsense. It wasn't her fault. I'll wait. He would. He knew that he would. In the mean time, it was not cheating that was the hardest part. On his down days when the pretty girls in the bar would come to have a chat, turning them down was harder than he'd liked to admit. He absently twisted the silver band around on his ring finger. Not many ladies'll pursue a married man. There would still be the occasional one that wouldn't notice (or maybe just didn't care either way). It was these persistent ones that bothered him. To be fair, coming out and drinking alone was sometimes asking for it. He couldn't help that. He didn't want to drink at Nell's place because he still couldn't gauge if it would freak her out, given how they'd first met. Sometimes he felt like he was walking on eggshells for that girl.

And then there was Donovan.

Ugh.

He really was not sure what to do about the man, only knew that the thought of him convinced the dark-haired man sitting at the bar to pick up the glass and take a strong swig, draining it in one. It wouldn't even leave him buzzed but yet again he could not bring himself to order another. In moods like this, drinking was not safe. Dangerous, even. What if he went with instinct and accidentally cheated? He'd never cheated before but he'd be damned if he could predict what he'd do under the full influence of alcohol. He couldn't remember half the stuff he'd done during a full-on alcohol 'high'. Lost my virginity, for one. The thought was just as bitter as those about his father had been. Why couldn't life just leave him the hell alone? Joshua did not usually deal with his feelings and so when he did, it turned out like this. Drinking alone at a bar and cursing himself out for all of the things he could not do anything to change. Oh, sure, he could just try hitting on Nell and see where it went, but it could also go badly. I don't want to lose her. No, he definitely didn't want that. He could try and forgive his father, but--No. He would forgive in time, but for now... some wounds cut a little too deep and close to him. Insulting the only person he felt he could open up to? Far too close. Joshua sighed and ordered another whiskey, as yet unsure of whether he'd drink it at all. Tonight sucks.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

The past few days had been hell on Earth. Stress was mounting ever higher with each passing day, the moment of moving back in with his dad and step-mom fast approaching and unstoppable. It was something Devin felt would never happen again, and he could live his life blissfully under the wing of his aunt. Unfortunately, life had a funny way of fucking people over without any consent or decent warning. It seemed that things began to snowball after the horrible news that Judith would be leaving and taking Athena with her; Devin was left alone to fend off Lauren, that wicked woman who proclaimed to be his step-mother. The label always had such a negative connotation, and nine times out of ten they matched the description to a T. Devin’s step-mother was no different, and in a few days everything would become reality. His worst nightmare come back to haunt him. Devin felt completely and utterly alone in the world now, and it was a horrible, horrible feeling. It made him feel nauseous.

Now that the school was closed for the winter break, there was not much left to do or anywhere to go to escape the dark abyss that was his future home. Devin had avoided Judith and Athena for a while, keeping their conversations short but as jovial as the blonde could make them given his personality. On the outside he looked rather happy and content with life, but on the inside he felt tormented and torn apart by everything happening around him. It was scary. The wind buffeted against him, his hair flattening against his head as he trudged onward down the sidewalk. The Hollow was a fairly quiet town to begin with, but today it was practically dead. A few stragglers lurked in the crevices of the buildings, but Devin was really the only wandering soul around. It felt…foreboding. Shop after shop breezed by his peripheral vision as he walked; the boy did not even attempt to look happy today. The once bright and happy smile that graced his boyish features was replaced with a dissatisfied frown. He did not even attempt to perk his head up or pick up his feet. There was no point. He highly doubted that anyone in the vicinity cared.

As he pushed onward through the cold and lifeless streets, his hand brushed over his left eye. It was no longer burnt and the scar was almost invisible, but no matter. Devin could feel the sting of his best friend’s words and the bitterness that seeped off of him when the blonde decided to speak before thinking. It was honestly the worst day of his left, second to his decision on living with his dad and Lauren. Devin felt like an awful friend—he had avoided Josh completely now, and was too afraid to send the fire graduate a text message or leave a voicemail. None of it came to fruition, though he wanted so badly for it to happen. The boy was very passive, and dealt horribly with confrontation of any kind. To Devin, his friends were his life. When Joshua turned on him for an honest mistake well…he felt as if a part of him had been torn away. They had had their squabbles before but never had he seen Josh so…so…resentful. So malicious and seething with anger. It truly frightened Devin. I wish I could take it all back. If I could stand up for myself, none of it would have happened. Josh might even be walking with me right now. That was not the case, and it could not be reversed. Devin felt the sting of tears burning in his eyes, but did not allow them to pass any further. He was not ashamed to show weakness, but it would be an absolutely horrible idea to try and cross the street with blurred vision. Guilt continued to eat away at him. If it were a parasite, Devin would surely be a pile of bones by that point. He shook his head and observed his surroundings; there, right next to him, was the club. It was not loud, but you could hear the thud of music coming from somewhere inside.

Suddenly, the urge to wash his stress, sadness, and anxiety away took over, and without a second thought Devin pushed the door open and entered the club. He glanced over the dance floor one good time before sauntering over towards the bar—he did not even give two shits about his age. He came in here often enough to possibly get away with at least one or two drinks, and then finish himself off at home. Right now though, this would have to do. At least the bartender knew he was a regular on the weekends, and smiled at Devin. “What can I do for you DJ?” The man inquired, rinsing out a used shot glass amidst a pile of many alcoholic glasses lying in the sink. Devin sunk into himself as he sat on the barstool, resting his elbow on the bar and his chin in his hand. He sighed. “Two shots of Silver Patrón.” Devin replied gruffly, lifting up two fingers with little enthusiasm. The man raised an eyebrow but did not question the blonde; if Devin was drinking, something was up.

Sighing again, Devin averted his blue gaze from the man behind the counter to his surroundings. Then, it seemed as though the world began to slow down. There, sitting only two stools down from him was one of the people he was trying to avoid. The boy swallowed hard to try and placate his nerves, but nothing could be done. Joshua was right there. His mouth went dry as he tried to function, but it was difficult. “Josh…” Was all he could say before the man behind the counter dropped the shot glasses in front of Devin, still refusing to question anything. DJ could at least be grateful for his silence, even though the quiet resting between him and Joshua was suffocating.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

The dark-haired man was so focused on the whiskey and his own thoughts that he didn't notice someone sitting down close by, paid them absolutely no attention. There wasn't even a subtle shift to look at whether the newcomer was male or female--he was fine with talking to dudes at bars, he had the sexuality card to pull if they happened to be interested and the chances of cheating on Nell plummeted from 'not likely' to 'absolutely not' that way. Right now he didn't really feel like talking to anyone. He missed being able to talk to Nell about his problems and felt like a child when he acknowledged this, a child deprived of their favourite blanket or something similar. She couldn't be his safety net when it was their own damned relationship he was grieving over. It was also reason number damn-it-he'd-lost-count why he wouldn't get drunk around her. He was afraid of what he might do, what he might risk for just one night with her. So here he was, getting drunk at some shitty bar because he was too chicken to face Nell at Blackjack and ask him if he was alright because she always fucking cares more about me than she should. It was true, it was the way he felt. He did not hate himself but he also knew he was no saint. Nell was a much better person than he could even aspire to be and she hated herself and held him in high esteem. He didn't know whether to be exasperated or depressed.

The sound of his name snapped him out of it, though he had no physical reaction for a moment save for a subtle stiffening of his limbs. Devin. His wariness was not due to anger. That had faded over the course of a few weeks apart. He still had a slight bitterness for the fact that Devin had not been able to understand how sensitive he was to the subject but then again, he didn't understand what those scars meant. Yeah, because you never fucking tell him anything. It seemed it was a day for self-loathing. There was very little guilt--what capacity to feel it he had was currently swamped by thoughts of Nell and how he should definitely be taking more care of her than himself. He was not some lovestruck preteen who thought the sun shone out of her backside and that they would end up married with two and a half children living the American--Canadian--dream or anything like that. He understood that relationships didn't always work that way, he was too much of a pessimist not to. As an assertive person who liked to take an active role in helping those he loved, it did sting a bit when he felt there was no way he could help. How did you console someone that had killed their Mum? 'Oh, she's dead now, she can't feel it!' Ha, no. Especially not when that mother had forced them to endure years of abuse, first.

"Devin," he replied after the prolonged pause, glancing toward him. Gray eyes were unreadable, his expression a neutral mask. He was not angry but it wasn't like he was absolutely pleased to see him, either. He felt strange. He didn't know what he wanted from Devin or from anyone else right now, for that matter. All he knew was that this whiskey was not working for him. It was going to be warm by the time he took a sip at this rate, watery because all the ice would have melted. He wasn't sure what to say to his friend, either, actually. He didn't know how to deal with the world right now. Joshua rarely put time aside to deal with his emotions. When he did, it wasn't always the best time to approach him. He was even more distant and confusing than usual in his attempt to not feel anything at all, not even to himself. It never worked. He might have been able to hide emotions but he couldn't exactly eliminate them. He was not God. He did not believe in a god. The world was far too imperfect for that.

For once in his life he felt that alcohol was not going to fix things for him. "Get me a water, would you?" The bartender frowned at the untouched whiskey as if thinking something. "I'll still pay for it," Joshua said a little irritably, as if the barman had accused him of being cheap. He had enough money in the family bank account to buy out the damn bar if he wanted to. Not that he would. Joshua and his family were not exactly responsible but they weren't the type to buy out establishments 'because they could' and such. Josh's father would scalp him if he went buying anything too expensive with the family fortune without approval. His car, however lavish it was, had been a gift. Even Josh wouldn't have the balls to go behind his father's back with something like that. He had a lot of nerve but there were lines you just did not cross. When the whiskey was taken away and the water delivered, Joshua drank half the glass in one to avoid speaking. He couldn't hold in his voice forever, though, and so he sighed. "Rough night for you, too, DJ?" The use of the nickname was accompanied by a glance that was meant to convey something silently. He was not holding grudges. He didn't do that, especially not with friends.

[Made it weeks 'cause I realised the thread was in school and the trial was in December -- plus since Devin's too scared and Josh too proud it made sense o.o]

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Joshua’s response was less than satisfying. However, it was not unwarranted and so Devin did not make an effort to flinch or reveal any sort of emotion about the matter. Obviously the fire graduate was still upset with him, which he supposed he deserved by this point. It had been a few weeks since they last talked; the blonde somewhat hoped that things might go back to normal (if there was such a thing) by now after such a long period of silence, but that did not seem to have any effect on it whatsoever. Devin bit at the inside of his lip a few times before downing one of the shots, clacking the glass back onto the counter to signify it was done. The bartender glanced at him briefly before tending to Josh’s request for water, and soon after went back to taking care of the dishes and his other customers. The boy stared at the other shot of tequila, wondering if he could get himself wasted enough to just let it all go. Maybe get himself a girl and go erase the stresses of the past few weeks without having any regrets. That was how Devin normally handled these situations, but now did not seem like the time.

After mulling over his thoughts for a few minutes, Devin downed the other shot without hesitation. Obviously alcohol was his only friend at that point, so why not become better acquainted with one another? Maybe drowning himself away would be better than dealing with the real world. I scared Devin at how quickly his attitude towards the world changed, even if it was only temporary. He wondered how people lived their lives this way, until he got to that point. Now it seemed really easy. So fucking easy to be miserable and wallow in your sorrows until you no longer had the space to breathe. “Two more,” Devin called out to the bartender, who could only pass him a worrisome glance. It was not his business why the blonde wanted to drink right now, and so he would continue to keep it to himself no matter how often the man stared. I’m underage…so what? He told himself time and time again as the man dropped two more on the table, removing the empty glasses with a muffled clink. The warmth was already seeping into his system.

Finally, after silence was beginning to eat away at the space between them, Joshua spoke. The question almost forced Devin to furrow his brows and pass Josh a ‘what the hell do you think?’ sort of look but he refrained. That would certainly not help right now. Obviously Josh was here drinking too, which meant he was also dealing with troubles of his own. Now was not the time to start acting like an ass hole, even though the biting remark sat on the edge of his tongue. Devin swallowed it away and pulled his blue gaze over towards his best friend. “Just slightly.” Was all he could muster at that moment before downing another shot of tequila and setting the empty glass on the bar. “Moving in with dad and Lauren within the next few days. Judith and Athena will be leaving soon after. I’m a horrible friend and not worth shit in any relationship.” It was very out of character for Devin to say such things, but the alcohol was slowly edging its way into his system. How he felt about himself and the world around him became ever darker, even if it was just for the moment. This was why Devin attempted to avoid alcohol; they amplified his emotions at the time instead of fixing the problem. No matter though, the buzz was greatly welcomed. The other shot soon disappeared. “Guess you’re having a rough night too, then, if you’re here.”

Devin knew that Joshua was dealing with stress at home; he had already explained how he was kicked out of the house and was living with Nell. He knew nothing more than that, but Devin could bet it was stressful and frustrating for his friend. There was nothing he could do to console Josh, though, without possibly making matters worse like he did last time. His mind raced around in several different circles trying to compose all of the thoughts into some sort of decent order, which was difficult under the influence. “Is uh…everything okay with you and Nell?...or at home?” It was a hard question to ask. Devin wondered if he would ever truly feel comfortable being himself around Josh after the incident, but he was going to try his best and be the supportive and loyal friend he needed to be despite what the alcohol was telling him to do.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua was not quite sure that he approved of how much Devin was drinking. Not that he was going to stop him or that he acted like a mother hen toward his friends but he was worried that Dev was (like Joshua often had) looking for invisible answers at the bottom of a shot glass. He knew that it didn't work like that. Alcohol only made you forget your problems, it didn't make them go away. To say that even whiskey was losing its flavour to Josh made it a serious issue. He'd drank since he was ten years old and he had always seen it as his 'go to' drink when he was feeling down. It wasn't heavy enough that he was on the floor in a few shots but it was enough to get him drunk if he wanted to. It just felt strange not wanting to any more. He felt as if he couldn't run from these problems like he'd run from all the others in his life. What would tonight count for? he thought cynically. I'd get drunk and wake up hungover, have to explain to poor Nell where I was all night. Of course she'd probably be able to tell without his offering. She worked at Blackjack and she knew the smell of beer like the back of her hand by now he was sure. She could probably even identify that it was whiskey he'd been drinking, knowing her. Maybe. He wasn't sure. He'd never drank too often around her. He remembered a vague night of video games and he had been told by the girl herself about their night of acquaintance but other than that he'd remained sober.

It was not all sunshine and butterflies for Devin either, though. He listened as his friend told him he was soon to be condemned to his new life and wished for a moment that he hadn't declined to drink another glass of his poison. It wasn't that he didn't want to be there for his friend but if Devin was going to get drunk and he was upset about this thing with Judith then Josh did not want to be that friend. The sober one that has to listen to everyone else get upset about their problems and be unable to do anything about them because the drink was too much. Still, he merely took another sip from his water. "That blows," he sympathised, then frowned and added, "Who called you a horrible friend?" The question had a slight edge to it as if Devin was accusing him of this. Those words had never left his lips and the Fire graduate was admittedly going to be a little offended if such a thing had been inferred. He didn't think Devin was a horrible friend just because he'd slipped up. He'd been pissed about it, sure, but if he'd really hated Dev that much he'd have either attacked him or just refused to talk to him at all right now. Josh didn't try for subtlety when it came to the people that he loathed. He let them know that they were on his bad side for what was the point of keeping up appearances? It was tiring to hide most of his life away so his anger was one thing he really didn't hold back a lot of the times. Couldn't hold back was more like it.

Water was so tasteless. He scowled at the glass as if it were the fault of the inanimate object that he felt like such shit tonight and his friend felt like shit beside him. He almost had half a mind to go back to the whiskey but continued to coach himself via rationality. Nell, he kept repeating in his mind, her name a mantra to keep his drinking until control. For the sake of the bartender not thinking he was going through some sort of beverage crises for changing drinks ten million times a night he drained the rest of the glass and then waved him over again. "Soda," was all he said, turning back to his friend as soon as the man moved away from the counter with the finished glass in hand to go deposit it in the sink. He never really discussed his feelings with other people, not even his closest friends, so he merely gave a sort of non-committal grunt in his throat. Devin could probably imply that this was a 'yes', of course, because Joshua had not started in with his usual 'I'm fine'. You could usually tell when Joshua was drinking for fun rather than to drown his sorrows because he would strike up conversations with other people and he wouldn't look murderous whilst doing so. When he was upset or thinking a lot his expression defaulted into something that was quite scary. A lot of people were wary of him in one of his moods because with his temperament and the scar on his face they weren't sure what to make of him.

Then the Earth boy asked the inevitable, making Joshua stiffen up a little in response. His tongue was no more loose simply because he was depressed and having anyone ask him what was going on in his life was always a dangerous venture. He didn't like sharing, didn't like opening up about himself and his life. However, this was his best friend. Devin knew a very brief explanation of what was going on because Josh himself had told him. It was definitely the briefest of brief but it was more than most of his friends had gotten. "Nell and I are fine," he shrugged, a lie told so easily and typically that it was believable. He didn't want to get into all of that. He didn't like talking about himself but sharing the business of his relationship with other people was a definite 'no'. He thought about the second half of the question for a moment. "Home," he grumbled, yet again longing for the whiskey as he took advantage of the soda to extend another silence. He was going to bloat himself if he drank too much just to avoid saying anything to Devin and thus he reluctantly set down the glass but did not look at his friend. "Not so great," he admitted with a shrug. It was very minimal but it was information and that was more than you usually got from him.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Although Devin and Joshua had been friends for years, it was still hard for the blonde to deal with the short commentary and emotional restraint that his best friend offered to the conversation. He never knew what was really truly going on in his mind, and some part of Devin was bothered by that even though he knew he should not be. Joshua was a quiet person and kept to himself about a lot of issues, whereas Devin was a little more open about his feelings and goings on in his life. Of course, Josh knew more than anyone else did because of their close friendship, but even still Devin was quite the open book compared to the fire graduate. Never the less, he could care less who knew what about his life. It was just life. Someone else in the world had worse shit going on than he did, and he would be damned if he acted like his life was some super special secret ordeal. It wasn’t. Of course, there he was four shots deep and still wanting to take one more. He refrained however; there was a need to get home at some point, and any more might prevent that venture from occurring. Devin expected to walk himself home, even if Josh was there. He walked in, he would walk out.

“Yep,” Devin replied flatly as he twirled the empty shot glass between his fingers. Slowly the boy’s eyebrows rose as Josh inquired about his ‘horrible friend’ statement. Why was it that every time he felt that he was a bad friend someone took offense to it themselves? It was simply amazing what people responded to. He turned his head and looked at his friend, his facial expression unreadable. “No one did. I think I am a horrible friend. I fuck up friendships because I don’t think, I can’t keep a girlfriend, I’m oblivious to the good ones that do care about me and then I shove them away because I feel they deserve better than me…” Autumn had recently admitted her feelings for Devin, leaving the boy rather speechless and unable to function properly. The girl was very sweet and a good friend—she deserved someone who she could share a first kiss with…or, well, a first anything. He could not offer any of that. It made him feel…awful. Just, God awful. It really ate away at him, but nothing could be done now. Maybe he would go and talk to Autumn about it all one day and see where things would go but for now he did not feel good enough to do such a thing. Devin shook his head and tossed his forehead on the bar, emitting a partial sigh. It wasn’t Josh’s burden, and so he said no more on the matter. Just allowed the effects of the alcohol take their course.

Josh asked the bartender for a soda, which he found somewhat odd. Why would you go to a bar to drink a soda? Devin mentally shrugged; whatever floated his boat, it was fine. Just not something he expected. He came here to get his buzz on, and that was what he was going to do. Unfortunately it was past the buzz stage and he could feel the room tilting to the side a little, the world moving in a reversed slow motion. It felt…blissful. You did not drink Patron and expect to get off scot-free, anyway. I’m gonna be feeling this in the morning… Devin thought with an inward groan, the cool wood of the bar soothing to his forehead. At Josh’s short but uplifting reply on him and Nell, Devin nodded against the bar. But the mentioning of home did not seem to sit well with his best friend, and so the blonde lifted his head to catch Josh’s face. He clearly avoided eye contact, but Devin could tell that all was still not well on the home front. It made him feel sorry for the fire graduate; no one should have to deal with any home stresses, especially if it put Josh into this state. No matter how down Devin felt about his own problems, they were little compared to those of his friends. At least, that’s how he felt. “I’m…I’m sorry man,” Devin started, trying to think of what else he could possibly say to help. Nothing came. “I know you like to keep a lot of stuff to yourself but if you ever need anything, I’m always right here. Even if it’s just a night of chess, or driving around and being random. Whatever you want.”

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Devin was being awfully hard on himself, even for his standards. It was not easy to hear your best friend sit next to you and cut themselves up again and again over things that they could not control. He never felt like he could help when his friends were down in the dumps and it was even worse when it was either Dev or Nell who was suffering. His best friend and his girlfriend respectively were both such genuine and selfless people. How did he end up surrounding himself with such good people? It was like their natures blinded them to his faults or something. Well, maybe not Devin, now. He'd witnessed one of those faults first-hand when he pissed Joshua off and recieved the anger from it. At least I didn't attack him. The thought was almost indignant in his head. When there was no guilt there was also a capacity to feel justified. This was a dangerous thing. It had ruined his friendship with Harley for a while when Joshua's stubborn refusal to admit that he could have been wrong about it had driven them apart. "What friendships have you fucked up?" It was a serious question accompanied by a frown. If he was talking about the one between Devin and Josh himself then there was nothing to worry about, really. Joshua was still a bit miffed about the scar thing but he was not considering it as something that would forever drive a wedge between them. Not Devin. This guy was his best friend, had been with him through the years when he'd had no one else. That meant a lot, even if he didn't always show it.

He did feel a twinge of awkwardness when Devin mentioned relationships, however. To tell him that things were going fine with Nell and that he, player from ninth grade to sophomore year, could hold down a relationship when his best friend could not? It felt almost like bragging. He did not wish to rub it in or make himself sound better than Devin. After all, things were hardly sunshine and butterflies with him and Nell. A confusing relationship is better than none at all. This was true. He'd much rather be struggling to find his grip in the relationship than not being together with her at all. He would miss the closeness that they had. They might not have gone all the way yet but he appreciated what they did have, even if he took it for granted or moped about the lack of intimacy. He inferred from what Devin had said that things had not been working out on the finding a new girlfriend front. "Don't be so negative," he suggested with a roll of his eyes. He hated when his friends suggested that they weren't good people just because they made mistakes. He made mistakes all the damned time and he didn't feel the need to go around whining about it. Stop, he told himself firmly. Just because he was having a bad day did not mean he should take it out on other people. He had a habit of doing that and it was not a very nice situation to be in for either party. A lot of arguments with his friends had started this way.

The way that Devin offered his support even after what had happened between them and though Joshua was such a stoic and secretive person just proved that he was a selfless person and a good friend. Josh could have pointed this out but he was not into being too cheesy or anything like that. He just hoped this meant they weren't arguing any more. His pride would not allow him to apologise for snapping and he also felt that he should not have to. The scar was a personal thing. It had hurt to have something like that joked about around him. He could have reacted much better but he hadn't and he was not going to drag himself down because of it. His lips twitched slightly but never really formed a smile before slipping back into their previous position. "Thanks, man," he said. "Things are just weird with my father and I right now, I'll be alright." Again this was more than he'd usually tell. Devin didn't really know the full extent of the relationship between the doctor and his son. Josh had never breathed a word of the abuse--he hadn't been abused like Devin had. A lot of their fights had been Joshua throwing the first punch and even if he hadn't, he'd certainly responded with as much violence as was dished out. It was not Donovan's fault his son was explosive and volatile in temperament. "Does Lauren know you're moving back?" He wasn't sure whether his friend had arranged everything yet or not.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Devin pulled his head back, not completely sure why Joshua would ask such a stupid question. He fucked up a lot of relationships and friendships. The girlfriends he had in the past all decided he was not worth keeping around; maybe it was his fault, because most of the time he based it on physical contact rather than just talking and enjoying time together. The boy could not help it—after what he dealt with at home with his step-mother and dad, and the lack of affection and attention, Devin was not quite sure how else to display how he felt outside of that. It suddenly made him feel sick to his stomach to think that he brought himself so low. Autumn definitely deserved better than this train wreck sitting at the bar. She deserved much better. However it was not something he felt the need to talk to Josh about. He had enough to deal with, especially at home. He frowned. Not only the relationships with the girls, but those at home. Athena was very angry with him, and Judith was of course leaving. That was out of his control, but the close bond with Athena was slowly slipping away. He could not quite grab it, no matter how far out he reached. Devin felt family-less. Going back to his dad and Lauren would not improve the situation, either. Who knew what that wicked woman was planning for the boy when he stepped foot into their home. Verbal abuse? A slap on the face? Maybe he deserved it this time around. It seemed that way. To top it off, his friendship with Josh. The joke was not something he even thought about before he said it, and by the time he realized he did it was too late. Devin was grateful Joshua was even speaking to him right now.

“Well, ours for one,” Devin replied, gesturing between them with an index finger. “I did not even think. It just came out. I would have never…never said anything to hurt you or make you angry.” He shrugged and smiled. “You’re my best friend.” That was the last thing Devin wanted to do, in all actuality. Seeing Josh angry with him…it hurt. Bad. The only person in this world that understood Devin more than he himself did mattered most, and there he was being a thoughtless idiot. He was not exactly sure why the scars were such a sensitive subject to Josh, but that was not what mattered. What mattered was that his words hurt his best friend. And that in turn hurt him. It was why he avoided talking to him this entire time; he feared for the worst. He was not quite sure what was going to happen to their friendship, and so Devin distanced himself to allow for a cool down. He supposed it worked, if Josh was still sitting here and Devin was not sprawled out on the floor with a black eye. He frowned again when Josh told him not to be so negative—how else was he supposed to feel? Besides, the alcohol was definitely doing a lot of the talking and his normally chipper attitude was diminished. The alcohol fed on his depression, thus amplifying it. It was damn near impossible for the negative thoughts to wash themselves away. Sighing, Devin shook his head and caught eyes with the bartender. “Can I get a Sprite please?” Now even he was drinking soda at a bar. Four shots was enough Thatcher. Four was enough.

“It’s hard not to be,” Devin mumbled as the man slid a Sprite across the bar towards his waiting hand. Instantly he began to drink the cool substance; it was nothing like the buzz of alcohol, but he knew that getting home would be very difficult if he did any more. “It was just one thing after the other. Like dominoes. I’ve barely slept…” The bags under his eyes were dark and heavy against his normally pale and youthful face; when he did get sleep it was restless and light. Anything could wake him up in that state. The past week was spent forming insomnia. Quickly the blonde ran a hand through his hair and dismissed all of the negativity towards the back of his mind. It was not needed right now. Joshua was struggling, and he would be damned if his depression prevented him from being there. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make for his best friend. After all, Devin stayed here for Josh. What kind of person would he be if he suddenly turned his back and ignored all of his troubles just to wallow in his own? A shit friend, that’s what. He already felt like one, but that would only solidify the feeling into fact. Devin smiled and patted Josh on the shoulder reassuringly. It was brief; he knew the fire graduate was not a fan of physical contact. “It’s no problem.”

So, he was having issues with his dad…that was not good. He remembered meeting Donovan a few times in the past but never truly exchanged a full on conversation, mostly because he felt intimidated. Devin smiled a little and nodded, but he could tell that Josh was not alright; hell, he did not know if he would ever be alright. “Oh, turning down a chess match with me?” Devin raised his eyebrows and felt a genuine smile cross over his features. “I’m so good even you fear me. That’s something to brag about.” He eyed Josh for a moment before drinking his Sprite. It was all in fun of course—he did not like this tension between them and wanted it to go away. Fortunately that seemed to be happening, and Devin began to feel a little better. Luckily the joke was harmless. Josh could kick his ass in chess any day of the week. Then Devin felt his chest tighten at the mention of his step-mother’s name. Why now? He set the glass down and grunted. “Yeah, she does. She tried to smile and act all happy that I was coming back. Even seemed cordial with my aunt. But I could see the disdain and hatred in her eyes. Only two more days of freedom…”

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He supposed it wasn't all that surprising to hear that Devin thought he'd screwed up in their friendship. Everyone made mistakes in their lives and even Josh could understand that but that didn't mean he was going to hold a grudge about it. The scars were a very sensitive and personal matter to him but to lose his best friend just because of a comment that was intended to lighten the mood? That would be a pretty low point even for Josh. "If you had fucked up our friendship," he said simply, "we wouldn't be sitting here right now." If Devin had been anyone else and brought up the scars, especially with the anger and indignant attitude afterwards, Joshua would have decked them straight in the face. He certainly wouldn't have been calm enough to have a chat in a bar when he was debating on drowning his sorrows in whiskey or trying to keep his sinking ship afloat. He was a little exasperated at Devin for not realising this but he supposed the buzz from the shots might have clouded his judgement a tiny bit. Or maybe he was just not realising that Josh was 'over' it? If I'd still been pissed I'd have went for you, he thought. He figured this went without saying and thus kept it to himself. He dealt with most things in his life through violence and anger, he could not help it. His gut reactions, his instincts, they all seemed to connect back to that inevitable temperament. That didn't mean he was going to lose every single one of his friendships because of it. He was dealing with enough right now, lord knew he didn't need a shrinking social circle on top of the heap.

"I know," Joshua replied when Devin called them best friends. They really were. He'd never kept a friend for quite as long as he'd kept Devin around. He was closer to Nell in a lot of aspects thanks to their relationship but when it all boiled down to it, Dev was his best guy friend. You couldn't change or come between that no matter who you were. He had other dudes to hang around and he had his lady friends as well but no one could match up to Devin. "It's just not a good subject for me." He almost considered telling his friend why he was so touchy but changed his mind after only a brief moment. He wasn't an open person and he felt like he had already said enough tonight in terms of personal details. Though he did not come across as vulnerable on the surface he always felt that sort of wariness whenever he let something slip past his tongue and into the open air. Laying your life out in front of another person was inviting their judgement and their opinions. He might have trusted Devin and would give his life for the guy if he had the chance but that didn't mean he was ready to start sharing things. He'll understand. Josh hoped, anyway. Devin told him a lot more about his life than Joshua ever mentioned about his own and sometimes that created an imbalance. He did not feel strongly enough to fix it with his own confessions but he was at least conscious that it was there.

If they'd both been in better spirits Joshua might have pointed out the fact that they were drinking soda in a bar but he was not elated enough to make jokes at the moment. Maybe it was better for Devin, anyway. He could hardly afford to get trashed if he was going home to his aunt and sister and he was under age to top it off. Joshua was nineteen, the legal age in their province, and thus could drink all night and be able to get away with it. Didn't mean he wanted to. He was surprised that the way he'd fixed all of his problems in earlier years (by ignoring them) was no longer effective enough for him. He was growing up, really. The world was not black and white no matter how many beers you had in your system. He would have turned into an alcoholic if he'd kept that up and that was something he definitely did not want. "It still doesn't help to put yourself in an even worse mood." If he was someone else he might have pointed out that he had his own problems, too. He'd been dealing with Nell and her trial and his father and school was coming back soon on top of that. His world was not exactly rose-covered. However, this was his friend. "You should take care of yourself." Was it his instincts as an aspiring doctor or his urges to help a friend? Maybe it was a combination of both that caused him to voice the concern he might have kept to himself otherwise. He didn't want friends to suffer. It wasn't because of him this time but that didn't mean it was any more appealing. "If you let yourself go it'll just make it worse in the end."

His lips twitched a little at the humour but for the most part it was not recieved as well as it would have been in another place. He was too exhausted to laugh away his problems. He wanted to take a leaf out of Nell's book and just sleep for as long as he could. This was saying a lot coming from someone who saw sleep as an irritating necessity. It usually got in the way of getting important things done and now it was all he wanted to do. He finished off the rest of the soda as he listened to his friend talk about Lauren, hating the woman with a burning but silent passion. "Want something else?" The bartenders voice distracted him from replying and he shook his head. There had been a bit of sarcasm in the tone likely making a jab at the fact Josh had switched decisions a few times but the Fire ignored it for the sake of paying attention to his friend. The glass was taken away and he turned to Devin with a sigh. "Life is just bullshit." It was going wrong for the pair of them and it looked like it wasn't going to get back on track again any time soon. Nell was in a funk and Devin was moving in with Lauren and why couldn't something go right? "If you need anything..." He trailed off and let the rest be inferred. If Dev was suffering and needed a friend or advice or anything like that to do with Lauren, Josh was always around. He might have been a jerk sometimes but he could be good support when it counted.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

The words Josh spoke merely echoed the words in his head; what if things had not been okay? What if, upon bad luck, Devin walked into the bar and sat next to Joshua who was still extremely angry? Fists would fly, no doubt. Not his fists though. Never his fists. As frustrated as he became sometimes, there was no way in hell he would lay a hand on anyone that did not deserve it. Josh did not deserve it. Getting upset about the joke seemed somewhat silly now that he looked back and thought on it for a moment, but to his best friend it was nothing to laugh about. If he had somehow been able to anticipate that response, or thought before he spoke, the weeks of silence would not have been necessary. A lot was piling up on top of the blonde, making it hard for him to keep up. Fortunately, this problem was resolved, but in all honesty this one was the least of his worries; especially after Josh’s encouraging statement. “I figured as much,” Devin mumbled as he took another drink of his beverage. “I’m paranoid and over think things. A lot. It’s one of my many faults.” Tonight was apparently bash yourself night, because Devin relentlessly beat himself up over all of this. It was not all aimed at the situation with Josh, though. It dealt with everything. Judith and Athena leaving for one, Autumn for two. The night simply sucked. But he decided to keep the bashing down to a minimum now, because it was not needed. Josh did not need it. No one did. It was something Devin needed to cope with on his own.

It did make him feel good to hear Joshua agree on their being best friends; in fact, Devin smiled as he stared at the bar, memorizing the lines in the polished wood as best he could. It was an involuntary thing, but it kept his mind busy during conversations like this. Eventually the image would be forever ingrained into his memory, and whenever he saw the pattern it would remind him of a friendship that seemed to hold out through even the roughest of times. Two guys awkwardly relying on one another for support, even if it was not always asked for or verbally appreciated. That was how their relationship had always been, and Devin did not ask for anything different. In fact, he was glad for it. The temperamental periods could not be so frequent, but that would take away from who Josh was, and that would be horrible. Devin was not here to change Josh. He embraced who he was, both good and bad. “Yeah. I know.” The blonde ran a hand over the polished wood for a moment before shrugging limply. “Well, I officially know now, at least.” He had a feeling it was not something Josh appreciated being discussed given the fact that he had scars on his face, but did not realize how little he appreciated it until that day on the steps. Devin allowed his fingers to stray to his own face, feeling for the minimal scar marks under his eye. The nurse said they were not permanent. Unfortunately for Josh, his were. Guilt smacked him in the face again. Insensitive bastard. Rang in his ears for a few moments before he shoved the thought away.

Then the tables turned slightly; Devin went from consoling Joshua to Joshua consoling him. He did not need nor deserve to be worried over; it was unnecessary. He put himself into this mess, and you could be sure Devin was going to dig his way out one way or another. Joshua had not discussed any of the problems at home, or with Nell (if there were any) and so Devin had no real way of knowing whether or not his friend put himself into trouble or whether life just had a way of throwing shit at people who were undeserving. Josh’s temper probably did some damage at some point in time, but that did not mean he deserved what he was dealing with right now. Devin frowned and ran a finger down the glass of his drink, condensation slowly sliding towards the table. It was a decent distraction from Joshua’s gentle lecture. Devin grunted in response, but it sounded more weary than anything. “I’m not trying to. It just kinda happens sometimes.” The blonde spent so much time trying to be happy for everyone that he would often forget to worry about his own problems until there was too much too function properly. It happened every so often, and Devin was fairly sure Josh was hardly around when it did occur. That was Devin’s choice of course. He wanted to keep it to himself. Josh just so happened to be there on the night he wallowed in self-pity and misery. “I do take care of myself. But my friends and family come first. I come second.” He nodded to Josh for a little emphasis, smiling a little. “Tonight was just random. I’m not making it a habit to drink every single time I get upset. I promise. Just…” He thought on it for a moment. “I dunno. I was wandering the sidewalk and decided to do it. I’ll bounce back by tomorrow. Except for the hangover.” Devin chuckled a bit.

The man behind the bar asked if Josh wanted another drink, and the fire graduate turned him down. As he watched the bartended go back to his duties, Devin turned and met the gray eyes of his best friend. Sometimes they were very startling if you were not paying full attention. With a sigh, the blonde pursed his lips a little and nodded, averting his gaze slightly towards the bar. “Yep. Seems that way. At least for now. Things will pick up, buddy. You’ll see.” Although Devin still felt very woozy and warm from the alcohol, the conversation with Joshua was really helping him clear his mind of all the clutter that had built up over the past few weeks. Devin smiled boyishly, blue eyes gleaming with appreciation. Nothing more needed to be said; he knew what Joshua offered and it meant a lot. More than he could express in words. “Right back at you, Josh. Right back at you.”

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua had to set his jaw in order to stop from snapping a reply to Devin. His friend was being so self-depreciating and it was making him want to hit something. He knew that anger was a rather irrational emotion to feel toward someone who was beating themselves up but honestly that was just how Josh felt toward everything. He didn't show his emotions on the surface, determined that his best friend would not know what was going through his mind. Was this a quality of all Earths, he wondered? First Nell, now Devin. If someone like Joshua could accept himself they must have had really high standards. He was always baffled by anyone that could loathe themselves and yet treat him like every other friend they had. He didn't understand it. "One of your few," he corrected, frowning. It was impossible to tell that he was angry, he just seemed a little tense as he leaned against the bar. The tension really could have been a result of anything tonight and thus Joshua was not worried about his friend picking up on his mood. He didn't think that Devin had too many flaws. He'd considered his inability to like himself a flaw, sure, but apart from that his friend was a pretty good guy. He was not flawless--no one was, not even Joshua or Nell. He saw nothing through rose-coloured glasses but he didn't see it all through a veil of negativity, either. There was a difference between his pessimism and his general view of friends. Friends were not events that could be mulled over and picked apart to find their every flaw. Friends were people that he loved and cared about enough that he would not go looking for flaws and would work around any that cropped up along the way.

There it was again, selflessness. Devin actually admitted it aloud by putting himself behind his friends and family in terms of priority. Remind me again why he hates himself? Joshua, too, was a loyal friend but his loyalty was not always of the self-sacrificing kind. He also carried the ability to be selfish in certain situations. If a friend was in definite and dire need he would drop what he was doing to try and help them but if he thought they could get along fine and there was something he wanted for himself, well, he might just choose the more gratifying path. It did not necessarily mean that he was a bad friend, only that his years of having few friends to spend his attentions on were catching up to him. And of course he did have a select few that he'd do anything for, no matter what. Nell and Devin were among them. "They shouldn't always." He got that family and friends mattered, he really did. Anyone that knew him well enough to know his loyalty would also know not to doubt that. There was a difference between loyalty and idiocy, though. He didn't like how Devin left himself for absolute last a lot of the time. He deserved better than that. "Some people are self-sufficient, Dev, you can worry about yourself at times. It doesn't make you evil." He was including himself in that self-sufficient bunch. He could handle himself and powered on with the constant mantra that he was 'fine'. In mood, in life, in everything. Even if it was not true, Josh barely allowed himself to lean on others.

Joshua allowed a dry and almost humourless laugh to push past his lips. "Good," he said. "That's not the way to go, trust me." Joshua knew first-hand what it was like to try and drown your problems with whiskey and romance. It didn't work. All you ended up with was a hangover often accompanied by some form of alcohol poisoning and entire nights full of memories missing from your brain. The black outs were another reason he no longer 'drank to get drunk'. If he did that he usually ended up slamming down a lot of shots in one go and absolutely plastering himself intentionally. It was great for the time-being to help him forget but the moment he woke up in the morning beside a stranger with no recollection of what they'd done, he regretted it. He was putting that behind him now, especially since he had a girlfriend and was no longer sleeping around, and so he hoped that Devin wouldn't slip into the habit in his place. Though he was a little older than the Earth elemental, Joshua had never really tried to lecture him on anything. Instead, his comments were more like friendly advice. He saw Devin as his buddy rather than some minor drinking beside him at a bar. "Will Judith or Athena know?" Sometimes his parents had been able to detect when he'd came home plastered by the way he acted around them in the mornings. Patricia would usually talk loudly and turn on all the lights just to hint that she was punishing him in her own little way. Mothers.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Devin blinked and turned his attention towards Joshua. He understood that friends were supposed to see past some of your faults and accept a person for who they were in entirety, but to state that he had very few flaws was a bit of a stretch. There was no way in hell Devin had so few faults that Joshua even felt the need to state it out loud. It simply was not true. He could not hold down a relationship—possibly his fault because of his flirtatious tendencies, but even then the boy never once thought of cheating on his girlfriends when he did have them. Maybe it was karma coming back to bite him in the ass for being the way he was. It was mocking him. On top of that, his family standing was less than desirable. If only he could stand up for himself and throw up an arm to block or retaliate against the woman who would now make his life a living hell, then things may not look so grim. His chatty habit was a bit of a nuisance as well; it was hard to know when to stop talking and enjoy the silence, or if he pushed something a bit too far. It happened all the time. Devin quietly wondered if Joshua really knew him as well as he assumed he did. The kid had more faults than he could rattle off at a moment’s notice. “Hm. If you say so.” It was not worth arguing about, either way. He was too busy enjoying that he was talking to his best friend.

As he stared blankly at the glass in front of him, his mind drifted away from the present moment. Images flashed in his mind of the past few weeks; it churned his stomach thinking about all of the mistakes he had made and the people he let down. He hurt Athena. He hurt Autumn. He hurt Josh. All of this hurt, and none of it was unavoidable even though he tried. With Athena, it was only out of what he thought would be best. If she stayed here, there was a chance Lauren would go after her too. Devin did not want that. Her safety came first. With Autumn, it was also what he thought would be best for her. He was a guy that fucked up time and time again, and she deserved more than that. Much more, even though he was not quite sure why he felt that way. With Josh, it was a mere slip of the tongue but it was said none the less. He always strived so hard to ensure that he and his best friend were on good terms and he did not step on toes. With Joshua’s temper it was possible for anything to cause a problem, but Devin had done really well so far. That was, until he said what he did. Maybe I am trying too hard, Devin thought, his eyes falling. Maybe doing things for others to make them happy was actually not making anyone happy at all. Maybe…it was hurting them. It was hurting Devin. He spent so much time making sure that they were happy that he was miserable, and then when he somehow screwed it up things only got worse. No matter though; Devin was not the kind of person to change his ways simply because of one moment of weakness. “Yeah, that’s how it will always be Josh. It has been, and will be.”

Evil. It was a really strong word, but maybe it was appropriate. Did he truly feel evil when he wanted to be selfish? He mulled it over for a minute, scraping his nail across the side of his glass. It was silent. “Maybe not. But I’m not hardwired to put myself first. Even when I try, I can’t seem to do it. It…it bothers me to do that.” There were a few times he put himself before others, but they were brief, fleeting moments that Devin himself could not fully remember right off the top of his head. Even some of those moments had a different motive that was still selfless without even intending to be. Sighing, Devin pushed the glass away and allowed the bartender to take it without a word passed between them. “I know. But a buzz every now and again is actually greatly welcomed. Trust me, you won’t see me in AA meetings.” He looked over at Joshua and smiled at him softly to assure the fire graduate that all would be well. Devin enjoyed alcohol every now and again, but he knew he could not find solutions and solve problems drowning in the mind numbing substance. It was not only unhealthy, but a bad influence on his little sister. She did not need to think that it was okay to go and get wasted every time she felt stressed or under pressure from school or boys or work…that would not settle well with Devin.

As Athena drifted slowly through his lingering sober thoughts, Josh questioned whether or not his little sister and Judith would notice his lack of sobriety. Hell, they probably would; it was not every day they saw the blonde staggering through the front door with bloodshot eyes and a slur in his speech. Anyone would be able to notice he was not all there, especially his family. Devin swallowed roughly as he imagined the response from Judith. He might get scolded, but at this point he did not care. He could not remove the alcohol from his system now. “Yeah, they probably will,” Devin muttered. “But Judith knows I’m not the kind of person to go off and do that all of the time. She might glare at me for a while but that’s about it. If it were Lauren…” He bit his tongue and held back the image of Lauren catching him drunk. It would not end well for him.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua sighed in slight exasperation but did not argue. Eh, I tried. He was not as selfless as Devin and thus viewed the world in a different way but if his best friend wanted to keep on beating himself up over other people there really wasn't anything that Josh could do about it. Though the graduate cared about his friends and would occasionally offer his advice if he thought they deserved it that did not mean he would spend his breath trying to change them. True, he was making a slow effort to warm Nell up to how good of a person he thought she was but that was different. His girlfriend had the self-esteem of a dime--also known as a non-existent one. Devin, well, that wasn't his place to alter it. He didn't know how to help the other guy out in what he was going through. "I'm not arguing with that," he said in response to the comment on alcohol. He definitely thought that drinking could take the edge off sometimes but with Joshua it would usually cause more problems than it was worth afterwards. He didn't want Nell to find out he'd been drowning his sorrows because she might ask why and that would be too awkward. It also made it much harder to concentrate on homework or classes when his skull was splitting. Tonight was just something that whiskey couldn't fix for him and he lamented that. Oh, he might get too drunk and hit on Nell but that... no, he didn't even want to think of how bad that might have turned out for him. Soda would work for the rest of the night.

If it were Lauren you'd be in real deep water. He finished the sentence in his own thoughts and frowned his displeasure at the thought. The woman was going to cause Devin far more problems than she was worth and Josh could only hope that his friend didn't try to drink those problems away, too. It was different with Judith in that she wasn't abusive, not as far as Josh knew. If his aunt was hitting him then Devin had never breathed a word of it to his close friend. "If you ever, you know, slip up or something... you could crash at my place. Just give me a call for heads up." Since he wasn't living there at the moment he would need to make arrangements but he would definitely rather have Devin sleep off intoxication in the mansion as opposed to in the house of his father and stepmother. Nell would probably have let Dev crash at her place but he wasn't going to invite people over to Nell's without asking the girl, first. Josh could be selfish but he was not so blinded that he didn't consider that there were other people in the picture. Especially since she owned the apartment. He wasn't going to use it like a base for all of his suffering friendships. Mum and Dad's is better than anywhere with that woman. Donovan probably wouldn't argue (he hadn't been arguing much of anything, lately) and Trish might be disapproving but he was sure they'd let it happen. He'd had friends over before. Usually not drunk ones but, hey, when the situation called for it...

He ordered another water and drank some of it to cool his throat before he turned back to his friend. "Did I miss anything important?" He didn't specify that he was asking about what had happened during the time where they had been at odds but he figured Devin would understand that. He knew that the date where he was set to move in with his father and stepmother had been fast approaching whilst they were undergoing time apart but he was wondering what else had happened. He knew that Devin had broken up with Marianna around the time when they'd cut ties with one another but hey, a lot could happen in a couple of weeks. Joshua had went through the trial, the ordeal with his father. The reason he couldn't confide in Devin about the trial was because it wasn't his secret to share. It was Nell who'd been branded a murderer and Nell who'd had to convince a jury of her innocence so if Devin found out, it would not be from Joshua. As for his father? Well, he couldn't even begin to explain that. The fact that he'd offered Devin a place to crash when drunk had subtly suggested that he was no longer excommunicated from his family. I didn't tell him I got disowned in the first place. No, he'd just said things were difficult. Maybe Dev would just figure they'd had a fight and that was it.

[DEVIN JAMES THATCHER]

Slipping up. That seemed to happen to Devin a lot lately. Whether it was a slip of the tongue, a slip in his attitude, a slip in his relationships…they were all there and accounted for in multiples of two or more. The pile dwindled slightly as he noticed he and Josh sliding into a state of normalcy again, but the rest of it continued to overshadow the small accomplishment of the day. It was slightly defeating. Never the less, Devin was determined to shove all of this away from the current conversation and try to act like they never existed. Sometimes it worked; hopefully now would be one of those times and he could go on with his life as though none of it ever existed. Feh. Like that was going to happen. Shaking his head to move on from the train of thought, Devin pulled himself up straight and smiled at his friend. It was better to pretend. “Thanks Josh. I appreciate it. I’m gonna try and ensure that I don’t slip up though.” Trying required effort. Devin hated giving effort. Half of the time it landed him in these situations in the first place. Giving up was beginning to sound better and better—there was less guilt, less stress, and fewer people were hurt in the process. It was a much safer route, at least from his point of view. You know you aren’t going to do that Thatcher, Devin scolded himself for even considering walking away from Joshua and the others simply because he did not want to ‘deal with it’ anymore. Selfish. Completely and utterly selfish. Something Devin was not.

If he were to allow himself to sink into a state of binge drinking, who knew where that would take him? Devin could not bear to think of what might happen between the buzz and the next morning. If he woke up beside a girl he did not know…no. He would not even think about it. If he wanted to do something right with any girl in the future—probably not Autumn because she needed someone better anyway—he could not afford to put himself into a position to make matters worse and add to the list of things that made him a worthless piece of shit in a relationship. Since when did I care…? Devin wrinkled his nose at the thought, wondering what it was that brought on the sudden change in attitude. The boy was always so eager to flirt and have his share of girls, but suddenly it did not seem so appealing anymore. Maybe it was the alcohol messing with his brain. Or maybe it was Autumn. Releasing the hold on his awkward facial expression, Devin sighed and took to stretching. It relieved the tension in his body and his mind, and gave him a moment to clear his head. That way he could try and change the direction of the conversation without sounding too eager or desperate to do so.

Damnit. Too late for that. “What do you mean?” Devin questioned back, raising an eyebrow. Although his expression appeared confused, his insides were squirming. Was he referring to the occurrences outside of his family and friend issues? Impossible. Why would Josh inquire as to his escapades with the ladies? It was possible this was all paranoia and maybe the question was more innocent than it sounded. There was no way he could talk to Joshua about Marianna, Autumn, and Harley—that would not go over well. ‘Oh, things are peachy! Marianna cheated on me, and not too long after that Autumn confessed her feelings for me. I turned her down because I felt like a useless piece of trash and she deserved better than that, so I went and made that label official by screwing Harley to try and forget everything else.’ Yeah. That would be the perfect thing to tell his best friend. He and Harley agreed on their one night stand; it was a mutual thing that they both felt to be safer in the long run. Devin did find Harley attractive, and she was a good friend, but their elemental differences and the circumstances just made things way too difficult. More difficult than it needed to be when they had other things they could be focusing on. It was a night to let go and drown out their sorrows in one another instead of alcohol or drugs. He was not sure which of the three was more dangerous. Instead of spilling all of the information, for once Devin was determined to keep everything under wraps. Just like Joshua kept his business to himself, the blonde would do this same. He felt it was necessary. I might tell him eventually though. We will see. Smiling at his friend without a moment’s hesitation, he replied, “Nope, nothing that I know of. Unless you count me discovering a wart on my left big toe.” He did have a wart, but Joshua would probably take it as a joke. To Devin, either way was better than talking about what it was that plagued his mind.