i don't think you're ready for this [jelly]

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua looked guilty when Nell expressed regret. In venting his own jealousy he had not stopped to think about how the admission might make his wife feel. He tried his best not to be selfish for her sake but he was not a perfect person and he slipped up sometimes. He hoped the way he treated her in the long run made up for it. His brows pulled together. "Aw, babe. Don't feel bad! You had no idea." He squeezed her shoulder as reassurance that he was not upset with her. It was toward the random guy Joshua's rage was directed. A smile graced his lips as he dipped his head in understanding. "I know. I trust your word." He might not have been so confident in their relationship back then when they'd yet to hit all the bases but it had been a long time ago and things were different now. Giving her an eskimo kiss much like the one she'd given him that night, Josh said, "And you've got a husband now. So he can fuck right off." The happiness was warm and evident in his tone as he spoke to her. Other guys still bothered him but they were no longer a threat. Nell had proved her commitment to him by an altar in front of a large number of their friends and family. The rings she wore on her finger were a mark of their love, proof that they only had eyes for one another.

His expression was soft and almost sad as he listened to her. He was not upset that she wondered about his comfort level in the relationship—no, Joshua merely wished that his wife could have the same confidence in herself that he had in her. The smile he gave seemed sedated. She was too close for him to pull her closer but he did put his arms around her in a loving embrace. "They do change," he agreed, "but that doesn't mean I'm not all right. They've changed a lot from the beginning, right?" It was more of a rhetorical question than anything. They'd come a long way from the early days of their relationship but their love for one another remained strong. He had to be confident in that, else he would not know how to go about committing to anything. How could he take her as his wife if he didn't love her as much as he always had? Tightening his grip around her, he kissed the top of her head. "I promise I'm okay," he said against her hair, then pulled back so that he could look her in the eye. "And I promise I'll tell you if that ever changes. Okay?" All he wanted was for Nell to be happy. If she was happy, he was content.

Feeling the fabric of his shirt slide across his skin and tighten with Nell's grip, Joshua looked fondly down at her. He loved the way that she buried her head in his chest and snuggled against him, so close that they could almost be a single being. His nostrils flared as he breathed a near-silent laugh. "Like magnets," he agreed. Their polarities were reversed so their attraction was magnetic. He liked the analogy, cheesy as it was. He was indeed very attracted to her. Her personality, her voice, her body. Everything. He looked thoughtful at her words. I never thought of it like that, but it's true. He was biased in the positive just as Nell saw herself in a negative light but he understood a lot about her. He knew who she was. She knew him, too, and he liked that. There was something incredibly comforting about having someone who knew everything about you, with whom you had no secrets. She made him feel safe and he knew that he could tell her anything. She also made him laugh often and laugh he did at the joke. "So glad to know that's what you keep me around for." He did enjoy helping her out. He liked getting help from her, too, like when he asked her about cooking or when he was uncertain about a term in Spanish. They taught one another so many things.

He could not describe the feeling her words gave him if he tried. Where words failed him, his normally stoic expression prevailed. Gray eyes shone as the emotion slammed him in the chest and though he did not tear up, it was clear that it had left a deep impact. He didn't hear those words enough. He did not need to, not usually. Josh held his head high and did not look to others for positive reassurance about himself but everyone had those demons that lurked in the shadows of their thoughts. His were not issues in academics or appearance but rather in character. He knew his flaws, accepted them. He was an angry person, he had violent tendencies and his pride stopped him from apologising. It would not be the first time that someone told him that he was not good enough for Nell. Yet here she was, telling him in her own words that she wouldn't change a thing about him. He opened his mouth, closed it, shook his head and pulled her tight once more, breathing in her scent as he buried his head in her shoulder. Thank you, said the silent gesture where his lips could not. Thank you so much, Nell.

His emotions still felt tried from the unexpected punch to the gut she'd given him and so his response was perhaps not as lightning quick as it could have been. It was from the heart, however, when he shook his head at her. "Jesus Christ, babe, you could go professional with your worrying, you know that?" His tone was weak as a result of the emotions he'd earlier suppressed but the affection was clear as day. He pressed a finger to her lips, this time much less playful than before. "Not another word out of you. Hush." His gaze was light. "You are not a burden, Nell. It was a lot to deal with, yeah. Fuck, I'd be nuts if I denied that. It was really rough on you and I both but what am I here for if not to be there for you?" He had to say, he'd be a horrible partner if he resented her for all that she had been through. Relationships were about caring for another person more than you cared about anyone else. "You know I feel about the trial. About your mother." He wouldn't have mentioned her mother outright if they were not as close as they were. He needed to prove to her how serious he was. "I have never felt burdened by that. Not more than I could handle." It was a weight on him when he'd had to come to terms with the fact that he might lose her but that was over with now. "As for your family, well... you're a part of my family now. We are family. So we're the ones that matter." Mi familia was now Joshua and Nell Dale. No children yet but he had hopes for the future.

Knowing what he did about Nell's past, it was hard to think about it for Josh as well. He did not like to think about the things he knew her mother had done and how her life had been back then. He loved her, he was protective, he wanted no harm to come to her. Even past harms rubbed him the wrong way. Hope. He didn't say anything to that, just smiled with the intimate knowledge that Nell would not want to dwell on the past. He understood her enough for that. Her reminder of their age-old inside joke brought a grin to his face. "I'll always be your personal space heater." He allowed the surface temperature of his skin to warm up as she snuggled against him. It would be like snuggling under soft blankets in the winter, a comfort zone.

His slow, careful choice of words paid off as he witnessed the bright smile that dawned on his wife's face. It was like sunshine peeking out from behind the clouds and it bathed him in its warmth, making him feel light and giddy himself. Her happiness affected him. "Of course I do! Why didn't you ask me sooner? I would have gladly told you!" There were a lot of times their views differed. Being on opposite sides of the personality spectrum did that to people but that did not mean he was opposed to clearing things up. If only she was more confident in herself, he thought with an internalized sigh. Ah well. The dice had rolled differently for Nell. He had to snort at the joke, which served to distract him from this thought. "The first sex I've had in months with the woman I love? God, it was fantastic." Not shy at all, he wasn't. It wasn't the best sexual experience they'd had together in terms of quality, partners needed time to adapt to one another, but it was certainly the most meaningful for them both. It was the first, a milestone.

He remembered asking a similar question once before. It was during dinner while he was working up the guts to propose, playing twenty questions with his girlfriend like nothing was amiss. He'd asked what her favourite thing was about him and she'd given a generalized answer, "You're a good person." He had appreciated it and it had been enough. It was not enough now. No, for this was pertaining to their life together and what he did to make her happy. He wouldn't accept generals now. He shook his head. "Nuh uh, you're not getting out of this one." His smile was amused. "I'm not mad," he laughed to reassure her. "I am stubborn, though. What is something that I do for you that you really appreciate? If you don't want to pick favourites, just... pick one that stands out! I want to know!" It would help him to understand what he was doing right and it would also give him an ego boost that he did not really need but would gladly accept anyway.

Though he hesitated to answer right away, the mental response to his wife's question was immediate. He did not have to think in order to decide what he would change but did he want to tell her? He had no issues with honesty but it was something that he knew had been wrong and that hadn't been a simple misunderstanding. Brittney had never happened, the cheating had been a play on circumstances, but this? This was real. This was a regret that he could not shrug off with a chuckle and a smile. He looked visibly uncomfortable and averted his gaze from hers as he swallowed hard. Be a man. Tell her. Taking a breath, he lifted his chin and stared into her brown eyes, willing them not to fill with bitterness as he brought back old ghosts. "I wouldn't ever have ignored you." It was a simple statement and the apology was there in his tone. He was certain that he didn't have to elaborate. She knew what he meant. That it had been during her birthday was not what bothered him. He knew now how his wife felt about the holiday and so the bulk of the guilt lay in the fact that he'd neglected her at all. "It was wrong of me and I've always wished I could change it." So if he could, he would. His gray eyes were almost pleading as they remained trained on hers. Please don't hold it against me now that I've brought it all back. This game felt dangerous at times.

He made a soft 'hm' in his throat. Why did he want to know all of the dark questions? Might as well get them out of the way. "Is there anything more you want out of our relationship, anything you feel like we're missing?" He couldn't say that there was anything on his end but after Nell expressing her earlier concerns about change, he had to wonder if there was something she was trying to tell him. "I just wonder if you envy some of your friends sometimes, if their partners give them something I don't give you?" He was not insecure about anything until you dragged his relationship into the picture. He wanted everything to be perfect with them.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Even though he hadn't meant to make her feel bad about pointing out that she had let the guy do...what he did...she still felt guilty, in a way. She knew she would never let that happen again, though. And she was glad for the reassurance of his hand on her shoulder, him telling her that she didn't realize that this stranger had tried to do. It felt nice that he didn't hold it against her, or actually think that she might have wanted that. It took a moment to recover from another round of shivers thinking about it. "Just making sure," she told him when he said that he trusted her word, somewhat timid that she felt she had to prove her faithfulness back then. He'd been the only one she'd been attracted to, she wanted to know that even if she was smashed, that would stay the same. There would be no drunken mistakes with other men who touched her inappropriately. She smiled when he rubbed his nose against hers, the gesture brightening her up, especially when he went on to say that he was her husband now. It gave her the butterfly feeling that she enjoyed, that happened whenever he acknowledged that they were married. "That's right," she agreed, cupping his cheeks in her hands and kissing the tip of his nose. She didn't care about any other guy because she had everything she needed in Josh.

Nell didn't know whether she wanted to voice how much it would hurt if things were to change and he fell out of love with her, or in love with someone else. If she just wasn't in the picture anymore. She wanted to be in his life, she wanted him to think about her even when she wasn't around. She couldn't help but fear a day when she did not matter to him. It sounded needy to her, and so she kept it to herself, the fact that she felt dependent on him. "People change, too," she said quietly. What if one day she didn't fit in with his life, with what he wanted? What if one day he wanted something else? She remembered their conversation when they agreed to start planning the wedding, when she told him that she felt like they were on different pages. That she didn't have a page and maybe she could be left behind because of it. He had reassured her countless times, but she could never abstain from the doubting in the future. It was an uneasy topic for her. Also uneasy was the fact that she felt if she kept voicing these fears it would make it seem as if she did not have faith in their relationship, and that paralyzed her before he reassured her again with a kiss on the head and a promise that he would tell her if something changed between them. "Okay," she told him, a happy tone in her voice. As if she hadn't already known that he would do that for her, but to hear it meant a lot. They told each other everything, their feelings for each other should be no exception, right?

Laughing when he said that the homework help was what she kept him around for, she nodded her head. It certainly was not because she was absolutely in love with him or anything like that. "And the dinners you cook for me," she told him, stating it as if that was completely obvious. She really did like that he had done that, coming home to her favorite dinner cheered up an otherwise abysmal day. Little things like that touched her in a profound way, and food made her incredibly happy. Josh knew that best, just like he knew everything else about her. It comforted her that he knew so much about her, that he was still in love with her knowing all that he did. She had many things that she knew she wouldn't ever forgive herself for, but she had a feeling that he forgave her for them.

Nell had no idea her words would have any effect on her husband. For her, it had been stating a simple fact in the form of a compliment. She lifted her eyebrows with some concern concern when he gave no reaction besides an emotional look in his eyes. A quiet way of asking, Are you all right? Her worried expression turned to one of warmth when he pulled her in and pressed his face into her neck, and she gave him a gentle hug to show that she understood. She didn't say anything, content to give the silent show of comfort as she held her husband against her. She supposed sometimes he wasn't so sure, either. Sometimes he needed to be reminded that he was a great person.

Josh told her that she could be a professional worrywart, and she wore a sheepish kind of smile with the knowledge that she did it a lot and she couldn't help it. She blinked when Josh placed his finger against her lips, telling her to hush. Listening quietly as he told her that yes it had been hard for him, her mouth twitched down a little even though she knew that it couldn't have been any way. If he had took everything well, without a care or concern, that would have been reason for worry. But the frown turned into a bright grin as he said that as her partner, he was supposed to be there for her. And he always had been there. When he learned about her mother and about the trial, as he brought up, those should have been red flags, things that should have made him turn and leave. She still didn't understand that sometimes, thought about it when she laughed at a joke of his or talked to him about something simple and silly, and remembered that they wouldn't have been there if he'd decided that she wasn't worth it. Words didn't feel like a good form of communication when what she said wouldn't be able to express how thankful she was to hear that he didn't feel burdened by her or any of the baggage that she had come with. Nell bit her lip, trying to figure out a proper way to thank him for saying that.

It only got worse when he called her family. Her heart felt like it jumped up into her throat, lodging there for a moment. Did he know how much that meant to her? Yes, she thought, He's the only one who would know. She barely considered her father family because he was still being sorted into a proper category, Jane was most certainly not family, and for most of her life she had never had an idea of what family even meant. Josh had been the first person she'd ever truly considered to be family and she didn't realize that he may have felt the same way. He had his family, his parents and sister and relatives, and she didn't think there was room for her. "You really consider me family? Like...really family?" she asked, as if she hadn't heard him correctly and wanted his verification on the matter. She always thought of him as mi familia, the only one she ever truly had. While starting their own family may not have been on her mind, she still considered them to be their own little unit. Maybe one day? Thinking of children still felt strange to her, so she just left it at that. Maybe one day they could be an even bigger family.

She laughed when Josh asked why she hadn't asked about how he felt sooner. It was more of a nervous reaction, really, and she cupped her mouth for a moment before saying, "I didn't know how to bring it up?" She phrased it as a question out of nervousness about it, still rather awkward in talking about it up. She couldn't help it. Though it did reassure her. The game was definitely a good way to bring up things they normally wouldn't talk to each other about. "I'm glad I asked now," she admitted. Even though she had been terribly shy about it, considering...well, she really didn't think it mattered anything to him. Sometimes it seemed like she took too much stock into events and occurrences when other people didn't feel as strongly. "You're welcome," she told him very seriously with a stern inflection when he said that it was fantastic, before grinning. She liked to hear that. Praise made her feel better about certain aspects of herself, even if she couldn't accept full parts of her personality.

Nell rolled her eyes at him when he said that he wouldn't let her out of this. He had to be difficult. At least he wasn't mad for trying to get out of it with a slew of praise. Nell rolled her head a little, trying to think of something that would give him a good answer when she just couldn't think of it. Josh wanted to know, and she supposed she was obligated to be exact. "You're killing me," she groaned. Picking favorites may have been the most difficult thing for her, especially considering this was her husband, and he did so many things for her it wasn't like she could choose one and tell him that that's what she liked most. She liked all of it most. So what did she choose? "My favorite thing is...that you're here. I just like sitting here with you..." Nell tapped a finger to his chest. "...Just like this." That's what stood out the most to her, having someone to come home to. She really liked that, not being alone. She'd been alone a lot and falling in love had never been on the map. Neither had been even starting a life on her own where she could have someone that she could talk to about anything.

Nell waited patiently for an answer, realizing that even though they had never done so before, she would be fine if he decided to pass. She didn't need to know everything, not when it made Josh uncomfortable. When he did look her in the eye, answered the question with an incident that affected her more than she'd let on at the time, she could do nothing but stare at him vacantly for a moment. It had devastated her, but she didn't want him to know that. Back then, he'd apologized and told her he missed her, but it had been overall uncomfortable. Off. "You'd just been kicked out by your dad, it was rough," she told him, nudging her forehead against his chest like an animal trying to urge him to understand. It had hurt, she could admit that to herself. Someone she was intensely and emotionally attached to ignoring her for two weeks? It had crippled her. But she understood when he told her what had happened. And she couldn't be mad at him for reacting the way he did. He looked so apologetic, though, like she may have been bitter about it. "You came back. That's all that matters." This conversation was really helping her realize that whatever they'd done prior, their mistakes and regrets, meant little in the face of the fact they were together in that moment happily married.

The question almost made her laugh, and though she didn't she wore a huge smile on her face. "About that..." she started, as if she did have a complaint she felt she could voice in that moment, "Why have you never cut off your ear and given it to me? I kind of feel like that means you don't love me." Of course, Van Gogh had given that to a prostitute, not his wife, but hey it was a thoughtful gift. Joking aside, she shook her head in earnest denial. "Not at all! You are better than my friends' boyfriends, as a matter of fact," she told him, wrapping her arms around him again. She had a ring to show for that. He'd made the biggest commitment of them all, he took care of her, he never strayed. What more could she ask for? Maybe other people who had been in relationships before may have needed more, but she didn't have a laundry list of needs. Actually, she did, and the only thing on it was Josh's name.

It was her turn to ask a question, and she wracked her brain for something she was curious about. It was quite the experience, hearing about their relationship from Josh's point of view. She learned things she didn't think she would have known otherwise. 'Do you ever wish we met under different circumstances? I mean, maybe in a situation not quite as bad?" He'd been drunk and she'd been stupid and it wasn't the romantic story that you would want to tell friends and family. The story she did tell them was that the Dales had met in school, and that was true in a point. It had been when they'd first met.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Sometimes when he really focused on how far they'd come and how much had changed, Joshua could barely believe it himself. He felt like an entirely different person than the man who had threatened his future wife in an alleyway all those years ago and he wondered if Nell felt different, too. His love for her had changed him. It had been a slow change, a gradual adjustment to the new life they had together, but he knew that he had become a better person since she had came into his life. I've got a lot to thank her for. Words were not enough to express this gratitude and affection so instead he settled for the small gestures in their daily lives. A good morning kiss, a well-meaning compliment, dinner to come home to after a long day of work. "I know," he said, "and I have changed." Had she noticed? When you spent almost every day with a person in your life, subtle shifts in personality or appearance were not noticeable. "But not once have I changed my mind about you." If anything, he felt that their relationship had strengthened over the weeks, months and years they'd known one another. His trust in her had developed from uncertainty and doubt into an unwavering loyalty. "I love you, silly," he told her with an amused exasperation. That wasn't going to change any time soon if he could help it.

Noting the shift in her expression to one of concern, Joshua pulled her into a tight embrace to show her that his silence was one of stunned gratitude rather than shock or offence. Her arms around him were like a safety blanket, a creature comfort. Neither spoke, merely holding one another close. He liked that. All his life he had silently yearned for someone that he could open up to about the struggles he faced, someone that would pull him into their arms and tell him that everything was all right. Nell was that person in his life, the one that knew everything and accepted it all. His smile was a tad shaky as he pulled back, trying to contain the intense emotion that had hit him with her words, but it was genuine and it stayed upon his lips. How could I ever fall out of love with her?

His wife seemed to take his bid for silence seriously as she heard him out, Joshua searching her expression all the while to gauge her reaction. She'd always been a hard one to read at the start of their relationship, just as he was, but over the course of their relationship he had adapted to recognise the subtle cues that others would miss. Despite all this, there was still a moment of worry as she nibbled her lip. Is she all right? He wondered if bringing up her mother, the trial, if that had all been a bad idea. His goal had been to prove that he could mention it without fear of lying to her. He truly didn't judge her for all that she'd gone through. Had it been too much? Something changed when he called her family, however, and he blinked at the hesitant plea for confirmation. "Of course!" That she even had to ask came as a shock to him, though as this was Nell with all her insecurities he supposed that it should have been expected. He was not offended, merely wished that she wasn't so critical of herself all the time. "I don't just consider you family, you are family." It was even recognised in the eyes of the law. Instead of contacting his parents when he wound up in the hospital, they first placed a call to his wife. She was his kin not by birth and blood but by bond and by the vows they'd made to one another.

His only response to her complaint was to smirk, gray eyes both amused and expectant. He knew that he would not be upset no matter what sort of answer she gave but he was curious to figure out what her favourite part of their relationship was. His stomach did a pleasant flip at the answer and the spot on his chest where she poked him seemed to tingle. The cocky smirk faded into a more gentle smile and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I like this, too." There was something special about what they had. He liked cuddling on the couch and talking about the day with her, liked their back and forth banter and the warmth of her skin whenever she was close. The companionship was his favourite part, too, along with the knowledge that he could confide in her about anything without risk of judgement or gossip.

A breath caught in his throat at her vacant expression, the blank way in which she stared. This was what he'd been afraid of. Panic began to creep into his mind, gripping him like a vice. You never should have said anything. He had been aiming for complete and total honesty but perhaps that had been a bit too candid. It had been an incident they'd long since put behind them and there it should have stayed. I've upset her. His stomach hurt as he tried to think of what he could say to rectify the situation. Before he could speak, Nell beat him to the punch with a nudge against his chest. He became aware of the fact that he'd held that stopped breath when he then released it as a sigh. Did he want her to defend him? Some cynical, self-critical part of him did not want to accept the words. The panic pulled that small part to the forefront, allowing it to speak for him, feel for him. The guilt was near-crippling to someone not used to the emotion. "He kicked me out because I defended you. I shouldn't have ignored you." He acknowledged his own stupidity in retrospect. He'd chosen his girlfriend over his family, he was meant to run to her after said family kicked him out. Instead he'd hidden away like a coward. He'd hurt her. He didn't know if he could forgive himself for that. "I didn't," some stupid part of him forced him to remind her. "You confronted me, remember?" Had Nell not approached him, Joshua might have avoided her for another two weeks. However, the part of him that loved her with all his heart was more merciful. "... but I would have." He could not have stayed away forever. Maybe if I'd waited any longer, there wouldn't have been anyone to go back to. That thought hurt. Everything about this hurt. "I'm sorry," he told her softly. "I know it was a long time ago, but..." Like many other things, it was a weight on his chest that would not lift.

He felt a moment of trepidation and fear as she trailed off. What would it be? Was he not giving her the affection that she wanted or needed? Was there a habit of his that she wasn't all right with? What if she wanted more than he could give? The blank expression on his face when she actually spoke lasted for a second or two before it sank in and he laughed, smacking her shoulder softly with the back of his hand. "Nell!" he scolded, still chuckling. "You really had me going for a second there!" His heart was still racing from the fear but it started to calm down immediately, glee written across his features. It was a relief to know that she wasn't really holding in some huge list of things that he needed to change about himself or the way that he treated her. In a more joking response, now, he said, "Whatever you want, dear. Care to fetch me a knife?" His voice sounded tired, drained, like he was used to dealing with some hellish, demanding girlfriend on a daily basis. The smile that graced his lips gave him away and it broadened as she answered him more literally. "I'm glad," he said, the pride colouring his tone. "I want to be someone you can brag about." Jealousy was coupled with an ego that needed the occasional stroking. He liked to be told that he was doing good and it made him crow with pride to know that he was held in high regard.

Their little game had helped them to discover many things about each other over the course of their relationship. They had not invented it but it felt like they had made it their own with the way that they used it. Her questions never failed to make him step back and analyse himself and this one was no different. "Might be better if I actually remembered how we met." He laughed this off easily. It felt good that he could joke about it now, knowing that things had turned out for the better. It was harder to regret something you had no memory of but he always did feel a sort of apologetic twinge for the fact that he'd threatened to stick her in the ribs with his knife. He'd ended up cutting himself, instead. Would his answer surprise her, he wondered? "You know, I don't think I would." He paused only briefly, not giving her time enough to react before he went on to explain, "It's kind of funny, if you think about it. Who'd have thought you'd want to even look at me after that, let alone get married?" They did not tell others about the day they'd met but it was almost like a bonus for them, an inside joke. While everyone, his family included, thought that they'd met as study buddies, Nell was the one person to have the full truth. Joshua had been filled in by his wife and whatever vague bits and pieces his brain handed to him. "I've still got the scar." He held up his index finger so that the light hit the faint mark where he'd sliced it open. It was like a souvenir from their fateful first encounter.

Getting close to the end, now, he realised. Having kept a mental count on where they were at, Joshua was almost sad to think that their game was coming to a close. It was a learning experience for the both of them and despite the fact that they were digging up past regrets and experiences, he was glad that she'd suggested it. It had provided a good outlet to talk to one another about how they felt. "Question sixteen," he mused, in case his wife hadn't been keeping track. "Do you ever wish our relationship was less controversial?" They'd gone through a lot of judgement for it. From being Fire and Earth, to Joshua dating a murderer, to the fact that they'd gotten married so young. Now there were even people at the Academy that thought it was weird that they were technically staff and student, though he blamed that on their ignorance to the fact that the relationship had lasted much longer than that. He wondered if Nell would change that, if she could. He knew that she didn't care what people thought of him but he was curious if she wished that she didn't have to deal with it either way.

[Just to help us: 16/20. >> 1894 I TRIED.]

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell understood very well what he meant by change. Both in him and herself. She was a little less aware of his changes, having been with them through them, but she had a little more understanding of how she'd changed. She grew up, and he'd helped a lot with that, especially because he never judged her or made fun of her for not knowing about something she probably should have. Though she may have never told him how much she appreciate that, she always had. More than that, however, she appreciated when he told her that he hadn't once changed his mind about her. It was the sweetest thing he could have said, and made her worried expression ease a little. "I haven't either, you know," she told him, though that much was obvious. She was still with him after three years, and she wanted to be with him for the rest of the years they had. Nell sighed, releasing tension held in her shoulders. She really did worry too much, it was a natural state of being. "Me too," she said, smiling before she went on, "And I'll keep on loving you, kay." She knew that without a doubt that she wouldn't stop. Sometimes she felt like she loved too much, and maybe that's what she worried about; he had possession of her heart, and she knew that even if he stopped loving her that she would not stop loving him in return.

When he responded to her question with such enthusiasm, her smile widened. She liked the way he reacted, like it was something so obvious, like it should have been clear to her. She fussed with his shirt, twisting it between her fingers to distract herself so she wouldn't have to look at him when she admitted her feelings. Even though she found it easy to open up to Josh, she still felt embarrassed sometimes, especially with what she wanted to tell him. "I just didn't think there was room. You already have your family." She'd never been jealous, not truly; his family had its fair share of problems, she knew that. Every family had problems. She just didn't think she'd ever be included in that unit simply because she was an outsider. She had been a Sinclair, she had been a Fuentes, she had even been a Shepherd, but she had never been a Dale. Nell didn't want to think that it was just a name; she wanted to think of herself as Mrs. Dale, Josh's wife, his family. Blood had never been as strong as the bond she had with her husband. "I actually thought it was kind of...weird...for me to think of you as family. But I always have." She'd always had a warped sense of what family meant, so she just came up with her own definitions and feelings associated with the word. Tilly had been the closest she'd ever come to realizing what it was really like to have that attachment, but she had always figured that it should have been blood that provided the bond even though it had never been that way for her. Josh was the first person she considered to be family, even before they had gotten married and she changed her name. She really preferred Dale to Shepherd. Shepherd had felt lonely, she was the only one.

Sometimes Nell was not good at expressing emotion, the complicated ones at least. What he did so long ago never bothered her like it used to. All those years ago, she had convinced herself that it shouldn't have bothered her, that Josh was allowed to do whatever he wanted to. "You were hurt. You needed to deal with things." These facts were stated with hard simplicity. She may have had deep-seated abandonment issues, she may have been hurt by the fact he ignored her calls and text messages, but she still loved him all that time. She'd been worried. He reminded her that she confronted him and she laughed. "Yeah, did you really think I'd let you get away with that so easy?" It was certainly something that she could make light of now that they'd gotten past that. Back then she didn't want to be the pushy girlfriend, but she believed that two weeks warranted some explanation. Heck, if she'd just been a friend she'd have worried. But then he apologized again, and her shoulders sagged a little before she cupped his cheeks in both her hands and looked at him earnestly. "It was a long time ago. Yeah, it hurt back then, but you'd have come back." He said that he would have, even if she hadn't known back then. What she went on to say was the important part, however. "And if you didn't want to talk to me when I confronted you about it, then I would have waited. I wouldn't have given up on you." She would have let him come to her on his own time. If he'd never come back...then that would have been the heartbreaking part of it. Dropping her hands, she smiled at him, lifting her shoulders up. "But you talked to me, and I forgave you when you told me what happened." It had been hard, because she knew she'd been the reason that his father had kicked him out. She had been the reason he no longer had a home, she'd been the reason that Donovan had all but disowned him.

It may have been just a little cruel to trick Josh, but he was worse than her so he couldn't hold it against her. She grinned when he laughed and hit her shoulder, and she leaned over a little. "Well you asked," she said with a broad grin. He then agreed, rather reluctantly it seemed, to chop off his own ear. She placed the back of her hand against her forehead. "Oh, I swoon. I shall wear it as a brooch!" What did one do with an ear, anyway? She supposed that the mad artist didn't have an idea of it, either. Nell was happy to make him proud, though, because he really was the best thing she had. And how could she ask more from him? "I do brag about you! I'm very proud of mi merido." she cooed when he said that he wanted to be someone she bragged about. How could she not? He was her husband, and he'd given her a life she'd never had, he'd given her happiness. Plus, she was proud of him, the fact that he'd gotten into medical school, the fact that he worked so hard. She even bragged about him to her father, told him about his acceptance into school just to let him know that any prejudice he had against her husband had no ground. Josh deserved all the praise he could get.

She laughed a little when he spoke, though she would not have were this three years ago when the memory was still fresh and she was still scared of him. Now she could admit that what she did was very, very stupid even though she had done it out of the kindness of her heart. Then he answered and she tilted her head. "Really?" she asked when he paused, letting his answer sink in. When he spoke, though, she laughed again, scratching her neck. "I don't know, something about being threatened just screams destined for love." Other couples probably had more romantic stories, tales of love at first sight and meeting in the rain or something. She preferred their story, even though she kept it to herself. "I wouldn't change it, either," she said, "because you never know how things would have panned out otherwise." They had ended up where they were today because of all the little moments that carried them there. Who would want to mess with that? Maybe if they hadn't met then, things would have been different. What if she had never asked her teacher for help, what if she hadn't sat with him at lunch, what if she had decided that he was too intimidating? She didn't want to entertain parallel circumstances. When he held up the finger with the scar, she smiled and kissed it saying, "All better!" As if it still hurt even now. When he did it, he hadn't even realized that he'd hurt himself, he'd just given her sass about it.

With his question, he told her which one they were on, and she nodded as if she had been keeping up all along (which she hadn't, she figured she could rely on him for that). Nell had to think about what he asked, so she remained silent for a little bit as she mused it. She didn't know if she could properly express how she felt. "Yeah, I'd have liked if there was no talk or anything like that. It'd been nice if our private life could remain private and not cause gossip." A private life may have been too much for her to ask for considering. It took her a long time to accept the fact that everyone would know about her trial and the murder and that that was a public fact written in stone. She still didn't know if she accepted that. In the same way she wished that aspect of her life would not be cause for talk, she wished that what she and Josh could have been left to themselves, even if they may have done things that others did not approve of. She didn't think it fair, and it had taken time to adjust to since she wasn't used to gossip. It had been a new concept to her. "But since people do talk..." She shrugged. "Let them talk. It's pretty funny, actually, have you heard some of the rumors?" Nell handled it like she handled anything bad that came at her; with good humor and a smile. If she joked about it and brushed it off, then it didn't matter.

Nell knew there was a lot of questions she might have both wanted to know and not want to ask, but she had quite a few that she was just mildly curious about. "So, considering your track record with twenty questions..." she started, remembering his proposal, "Had you been planning all along to ask me out or was that just a spur of the moment thing?" She wondered if may have been on his mind for a while, or it may have just been something that popped into his head during the game.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

A strong sense of satisfaction kindled in his chest as he watched her expression shift from worry into something more akin to love. To see Nell happy made him feel happier as well. He had more confidence in their relationship because he had more confidence overall but that did not mean her reassurance was not welcome. Everyone needed a boost on occasion. Smiling wasn't enough—he grinned at her, gray eyes filled with warmth. "Kay." It sounded like a good plan to him. That's all I ask. He didn't make demands of his wife. Her love was enough to keep him going and so long as that love did not run out, their relationship would hold strong.

He loved his parents, his sister. Bryce was not considered part of the family in Joshua's eyes and his brother didn't cross his mind when Nell spoke of them. He also loved Nell. Theirs was a special sort of love, something that had developed over time rather than something that was expected of him. He had told his wife things that he would not dream of sharing with his family by blood and in his eyes that trust elevated her to a level above even his father, a man whose respect he'd always fought to earn. "I was born with them," he chuckled, making light of things before he added more seriously, "but I chose you." In proposing to her, Joshua had asked that she eventually take his last name and share the rest of her life with him. If that wasn't family, what was? She was as much a Dale as any the others in his eyes. It had been that way for a long time. "It's not weird!" He was quick to reassure her, wanting her to feel comfortable in referring to him and thinking of him as her family. "It's perfectly normal. I am family." Who could argue with the man himself? One day their tiny family of two might expand but their relationship would not change.

Though he did not put much faith in star signs, Joshua could certainly be as stubborn as a bull. It was hard to budge him from an opinion or mindset once he'd settled into it and though Nell had more luck than others, this was a complicated situation with a lot of guilt involved. "I was hurt," he agreed, "but I should have warned you." Would lying have been a better option than ignoring her? He supposed he could have told her that he was sick but then she might want to take care of him and saying that he was busy with studying would have felt cheap. Studying or not, he'd always found time in his busy schedule for his girlfriend. Apart from that, he did not like lying to Nell. So instead of lying, he'd opted to say nothing at all. Bad choice. Nell tried to play it off with a joke but unlike usual, he could not laugh with her. It was too hard to set aside his past demons. He was going to argue with her again when she continued and said something that took the breath out of his throat and twisted his tongue. Having opened his mouth, he closed it now and blinked. Did she know how much that meant to him? He was silent for several seconds, looking surprised, a little confused. "You... you would have?" In contrast to his expression, Joshua's tone was soft, sounding touched. Though he loved Nell and did not doubt that the feelings were returned, he had not expected this. He expected that she'd have gotten sick of his ignorance and broke it off the moment they chanced across one another. He brought his hands up to rest against hers as she touched his face. "I..." What could he even say to something like that? A confident man who could usually hold his own found himself at a loss for words in the face of her kindness. "... Thank you, Nell. That... that means a lot to me." It felt like finally, after years of carrying the guilt with him, he might be able to lay it to rest. It had been wrong and he acknowledged that but the realisation that it would not have crippled their relationship was comforting.

There was that nickname again—mi merido. My husband. He liked it when she called him that and it showed in the way he smiled automatically, ducking his head. He also liked that he was someone that she could show off to her friends, brag about. He did not crave the approval of those in her life but he certainly craved her approval. "All of my friends know about how beautiful and perfect my wife is." He did not talk much about himself or his personal life but he had no qualms about discussing Nell. He lit up when he talked about her and it was a subject that never failed to bring a smile to his lips.

Sometimes he was surprised by how persistent Nell had been in trying to take care of the drunk, swearing mess that Joshua had been back then. Though he did not like to admit his faults, he knew he certainly wouldn't expect anyone to come within a hundred feet of him when he was staggering about with a pocket knife in hand. She'd even offered him cab fare as an alternative to having her walk home with him and though he'd apparently turned that down, too, it was one of the kindest gestures that anyone had ever given him. And after all of his bullshit, too! She's really something else. He felt lucky to have her. "It backs up what I always say—you really are too nice to me, babe." He laughed, not wanting her to take this seriously. Oh, she was too kind for her own good but he was selfish and did not want that to change. She put up with a lot of things he'd done that no one else would tolerate. He needed her in his life. He expected her opinion to differ from his but was pleased to find that she felt the same. "You know, you've got a point. If we changed even one thing, who knows what would happen?" If they hadn't been acquainted prior to their meeting in the library, how would things have been different? He didn't want to think too hard on it. He was happy with how things had turned out and so changing them was not something on his mind. He laughed when she kissed the tip of his finger. She was silly but that was one of the many things that attracted him to her.

The trial had been a difficult pill to swallow. Suddenly everyone had known the secret that Nell had waited to tell even Joshua himself and he had not been able to do anything about it. Seeing her hurt and not having the power to make it better was not something that Josh enjoyed. Anyone who'd questioned him for 'dating a murderer' had gotten a swift punch to the jaw, his own father included. That hadn't been the only thing to come between them, however. Their had been the issue of alliances, of his decision to propose when they were still young. "They don't know when to leave well enough alone," he sighed. "They just like to talk about things they know nothing about." Some of her friends had been serious offenders and it damn near killed him not to bring it up whenever it happened. He wanted her to have her friends but it enraged him when they questioned how good he was to her. What did they know? Nothing. This brief pulse of anger that rushed through him was placated as Nell lightened the mood. She'd always been good at that, calming him. "Some. A lot of people seemed to think I'd knocked you up when we got engaged." Those rumours had been reignited when that engagement had shifted into marriage but he ignored them with ease. "I just tell 'em nope, not yet." He poked her stomach with a grin. One day. Except it wouldn't be knocking up, it would be a carefully planned pregnancy when they were both ready to be parents. He was excited for that day. There were less friendly rumours, too, but he did not want to dwell on those. Anything involving the trial felt like a cheap shot.

He wondered where she was going with the question, tilting his head and looking curious. When she came out with it, he laughed and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck and looking amused. "Oh. That." He laughed again, shook his head. Nell wouldn't understand why it entertained him so greatly but he would do his best to answer without making himself look too bad. "It was, uh, it was pretty spur of the moment, I'd say." He thought about how she'd mentioned wanting to learn trapeze, how he'd thought about their flexibility and his mind had crashed into the gutter. How did you put that lightly to your wife? 'I was picturing you naked and I decided, why not?' She won't care, he reasoned with himself. Nell was a cool chick, he liked that about her. So instead of coming up with some half-assed story about how he'd just decided on a whim, he said, "We were talking about how flexible you were, right? And I mean, I'd always found you pretty hot, so that kinda... well, I wasn't thinking about you as a friend, let me just put it that way." He smirked at her. She knew what he was like now that she was married to him, it probably wasn't hard to believe. "But we were friends so I decided to fix that." He nodded confidently to sum up the story. It wasn't the most romantic reason for asking a girl out but at least he was comfortable with honesty! "Of course, you were always really nice to me and I loved hanging around you but that doesn't make for nearly as good of a story." His grin was impish and devoid of shame. It was another one of those stories that would be kept between him and Nell, not something that you told family over polite conversation.

There was something that he had been meaning to ask her for a while but had never brought up due to his own uncertainty about how Nell might react. They did not discuss intimacy very often, most likely due to the fact that his wife was so shy about the topic. They slept together often enough and he had no complaints about their sex life but the lack of discussion about it sometimes brought doubts to his mind. Everyone wanted to think that they were good in bed and that their partner was content and Joshua was no exception. So, nervous but not letting it show, he asked, "Are you... satisfied with our sex life?" A fairly blunt question but that was how Josh worked best. "I've never really asked you if everything's all right before." It was almost apologetic. He was supposed to ask, supposed to cater to her and make sure that they were happy in all aspects of their relationship. It just wasn't something they chatted about often. Maybe they could change that.

[NELL DOE DALE]

She got choked up when he said that he chose her. There was so much impact in those words that all she could do in response was wear a goofy smile on her face. Nothing could have elated her more. He chose her to be family, even though she hadn't been in his life forever like his blood relatives had been. "Thanks," she said when he told her he was family, confirming it, believing it himself. "I am family." She would carry those words in her heart for a long time. "I needed that." Not only the confirmation, but the connection. She needed a family, she had always wished for what she couldn't have. Or rather, what she thought she couldn't have. Josh had given her a lot that she couldn't even imagine having before. Safety, financial security, happiness, love; she felt as though she didn't tell him enough what that meant to her. He'd given her the life she had never thought she could have, the life that her own family couldn't give her.

Whenever Josh was bothered by something, she was bothered too. She didn't like seeing that, and she didn't like the idea of him carrying guilt stemming from a mistake that she had long since forgiven him for. It made her feel physically ill, like his hurt became hers. But when she explained it to him, that she'd have waited for his return, she hoped the shift in expression meant that she had gotten to him. Nell nodded, very seriously. "Of course. I loved you." It was as simple as that. Her feelings wouldn't have allowed her to take his avoidance as a hint to break it off with him. If it had taken more time, the wound may have been deeper, but she forgave very easily. And even back then she had loved him, which meant that forgiveness came easier. She'd had guilt then, of course, guilt that made her a lot more understanding than she may have been otherwise but that didn't mattered. She smiled, his hands warming her own. "Sure," she told him gently when he thanked her. Nell hadn't realized that it still affected him, had tunnel vision because she'd moved past it, so she was glad that he told her. He shouldn't have to carry around unnecessary weight.

Josh's compliments always had an intense effect on her, even if her self-esteem still was an issue. She liked hearing that he told his friends about his "beautiful and perfect" wife, and liked hearing that she was too nice. Nell always had given him the benefit of the doubt when it came to everything, from bailing him out when he'd been arrested for sexual assault to hearing him out when he talked about his involvement in the gang. "I can be mean," she told him matter-of-factly. "You're just big and scary so I choose not to be." A statement which could not be taken seriously considering they both knew they didn't have a mean bone in her body. But she was glad that he thought her kind. He agreed with her on the fact that if they changed one thing, everything else may change. It didn't appeal to her; their relationship was theirs, and imagining it another way felt...weird. She didn't believe their could be another way. "What if we never met? That would really stink." But like him, she didn't enjoy the idea of actually entertaining those kinds of thoughts. She was here right now, and they were together, and they couldn't change that. She wouldn't want to, given the option.

Nell may have been more forgiving to the rumor mill than Josh, but that could have been because of their differing personalities. Some things did hurt, mostly when it came to the trial and the stigma she had, but she knew that people would talk about anything. The only time it had become a real problem was when she had to stick up for Josh when her friends said something against her. It may have been as offensive to her as it was to him; she was protective whenever that happened, she didn't like hearing anyone say anything bad about him. "Live and let live," was her input about the way people talked about them. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do about that. At least they didn't add fuel to the fire by constantly fighting or indulging in drama that other couples their age might. She laughed and leaned away when he poked her belly, speaking of rumors about their engagement, and took note of the 'not yet' included in that. She was slowly coming to terms with the possibility of children in the future, even if it scared her. Her husband had done well in easing her fears. She didn't address that though, as she smiled and responded on the matter of him knocking her up. "What's wrong with living in sin? It's not the 1800's anymore." Even though her father had married her mother after he'd knocked her up, she'd been told that wasn't the reason they did it. She knew they loved each other, like she and Josh did. Nell just predicted a happier relationship course.

The way he responded to her question made her curious. What was so funny about it? It became clear after he elaborated on 'spur of the moment' and just why it had been spur of the moment. Flexible. Nell kept her face a mask of seriousness when he explained that it had not brought about friendly thoughts. So he needed to change that. The mask almost wore thin with the desire to laugh. "I never knew that and yet somehow I am not surprised." It was very difficult to stay serious since she just wanted to laugh. She'd have been concerned if he hadn't thought she was attractive. But she didn't think that it had played such a big part in him asking her out. She let herself laugh before saying what she did next, not very good at keeping herself from cracking up. Taking a deep breath, she said, "I bet you're disappointed I didn't end up learning the trapeze, huh? I'll try to fix that for ya." She wasn't going to let this one go, she didn't think. It showed in the way that her expression was a little too innocent. Then he also gave her the other reasons why he asked her out, and she tilted her head. "I think your streaking story played a part in me saying yes," she told him with a mischievous grin. Did he think that because she had been so innocent her thoughts wouldn't have strayed like his did when he told her that one?

Surprisingly enough, Nell didn't blush at the next question, even though it covered the topic of sex. As a matter of fact, her eyebrows lifted in concern. She realized that it was something they never actually talked about straightforward, and so it made her stomach twist in concern over the fact he'd asked now. Was it something that had been on her mind? "Yeah! You're awesome." So she blushed a little after that, but that could only be expected from her. With more hesitance, she asked, Are...are you satisfied?" That's what her mind had jumped to, the fact that he asked it meaning he might have a complaint. She'd been worried about that before, it was the reason she asked Raine certain questions and a conversation that almost made her overheat ensued. Which reminded her... "Because I mean, I have...come into possession...of the Karma Sutra." That sounded like the best way to explain how she'd acquired the book. A book she had once thought was just a joke, but was very real. Now seemed like the right time to bring it up. She just hoped that she wasn't doing anything that he may not have been okay with. "Y-you know, if there's anything you want to talk about we can." She spoke with with urgency, because she half expected him to have problems. He'd always been the experienced one, and it wasn't really like she had much room for complaint. And even though she was certainly not as experienced, she wanted to know if he had any problems or anything he wanted to talk about.

Nell scrunched her lips together as she thought of another question, trying to think of what number they were at. "Oh, mine's nineteen," she said, before looking at him with stern eyes. "You know if you propose to me again, we're going to get super married." That sounded pretty good, actually, super marriage. Or it may have been worse, depending on what that entailed. Either way, she had to think of her own question before they could get to his so she picked one on the top of her head. "What was your favorite date? I mean like...us going out together," she asked him, explaining that she hadn't meant date as in day.They'd gone out together a lot and she appreciated every memory, though she had to wonder what stuck out to Josh.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Having had a long time to adapt to their relationship and individual behaviours, Joshua understood that Nell needed reassurance about a lot of things and he was more than happy to deliver. He loved her and if it made her feel better to hear that every now and again, that was all right by him. His response was to give a nod and a knowing smile. He would always comfort her when she needed it. And she did the same for him, as displayed by her reaction to his guilt. Where another girl might have taken the chance to make him feel worse about ignoring her for two weeks, Nell went out of her way to make sure he could forgive himself. He loved that about her, how selfless she was and how much she cared for him. When he heard of his friends fighting with their significant others over the silliest of things, he realised he'd landed himself a partner that was one in a million. I loved you, too. He just hadn't known how to go about telling her that he'd been kicked out of his house and had no money to his name. It was shame that had held him back, shame and a reluctance to admit she'd turned his family against him. That's all in the past now. He was glad that it was. He much preferred the present.

His bias made it hard to view her as anything but loving and calm but he knew that she did have the capacity to be somewhat fierce. Not mean, though. Never mean. He'd never witnessed cruelty to anyone on Nell's part. Bryce, Jane, and anyone else that she lost her normal attitude with had all been more than deserving of it in his opinion. She was joking but even a comedic anger was hard to imagine. Too nice. "You, mean? Yeah, I'm sure. Keep telling yourself that." He patted her head as if humouring her, the amusement in his eyes as he refused to let it show in his expression. His poker face was good but he knew it wouldn't fool her. It never did. He made a face as she brought up something he didn't even want to consider. "God, I don't even know where I'd be right now without you." Perhaps he'd have gone to McGill after all, with no girlfriend to tie him down. And yet, even with the prospect of going to the best medical school in Canada, Joshua wouldn't trade Nell for anything. Then he realised something darker—he did know where he'd be without her, and it involved gravestones and depression. Hers was the only number he could have called.

As well as being a generally nicer person than he was, Nell was also a lot more tolerant of things. She didn't have a temper like he did and she didn't solve all of her problems by punching them in the face. On occasion he felt envious of her patience but he knew that he wouldn't be able to take pacifism to the extreme levels that his wife did. He remembered one of the Bennett sisters attacking Nell as she just stood there and took it and knew it wasn't the life for him. "If only everyone lived by that rule." He couldn't claim total innocence when it came to the rumour mill, for who didn't feel curious about the gossip that reached their ears? The difference with Joshua was that he didn't feel the need to spread it around when he didn't know whether or not it was true. "Are you saying we should get a divorce and procreate?" That was clearly the best course of action, here. "I'm not saying I'm opposed to that or anything, I'm just saying that it might take us a while to get everything finalized. How the hell will I stop myself from impregnating you in the meantime?" He sighed and shook his head as if this was to be the hardest challenge they'd faced yet. It was so easy for him to joke about getting his wife pregnant but he did hope that there was some hope for the future. He kept their conversation about the future in mind in times like this. One day.

He didn't bother hiding his grin at her flat-faced response. "Course not." She knew him best, after all. Nell had to put up with his joking and fooling around on a daily basis and so he hadn't expected it to come as much of a shock. He wasn't intimidated by her poker face, having guessed that she wouldn't be upset at being called attractive, and he laughed with her when she finally gave in to the urge. "Oh, no," he assured her in a devious tone, "you're plenty flexible as is." He was pretty sure his brain had taken up permanent residence in the gutter. Hell, it'd probably gotten a job and raised a family down there by now. Nell seemed intent on teasing him about it and the thought didn't bother him at all. If he'd had any misgivings about telling her then he would have kept it to himself but he had no issue with her knowing. He drew his head back at her response. I'm impressed. She could keep up with him without batting a lash. Sometimes he regretted holding out on his true nature for so long. He'd been silly to think she'd judge him for it. "Cause stumbling around the street in the nude is totally attractive, y'know?" He was teasing but he had to admit, it was a stroke to his ego. He liked the idea that she'd had the same thoughts about him that he'd had about her. "You know, your innocence was totally cheap," he complained. "I wouldn't have been half as polite around you if I'd known you were faking it." He huffed as if disappointed in her.

He could not say that he was afraid to bring up the topic of sex with Nell but he certainly hoped that she had been feeling content with what they had. He trusted that she loved him and that any problems wouldn't be major but the idea that there would be problems was concerning in and of itself. So there was a sense of relief as she reassured him, the blush on her cheeks making him feel smug. "I'm flattered," he grinned, his tone light. She seemed to hesitate and the easy smile faltered. Her question wasn't as much of a shock as the others she'd voiced that night, mostly because he could understand how she'd made the connection. "Oh, I'm fine, don't worry about me! I'm not very high maintenance, y'know?" He smirked. As long as she wasn't holding out on him, Joshua was pretty happy. There had never been any problems there. He did lift his brows at her as she continued. "Came into possession...?" Had she went out and bought it? He couldn't think of any other way she'd have acquired the book and this confused him. What did she want with it if she was satisfied? He blinked. "I mean, is that something you want? I want you to be happy so I'm down with whatever." This was his wife, after all. He wasn't opposed to playing around a little but it was in no way a deal breaker. He'd been telling the truth when he'd said that he was content. "Nell," he laughed, amused by how worried she seemed. "If I were having problems, I'd have said something a long time ago. I wanted to make sure you weren't, that's all." And if she wasn't, it was perfectly all right to leave it there.

Joshua had known what his final question would be since they were only a short way into their game and so he chuckled at her joke. "Sorry, no super wedding for you. Maybe next game." He winked. Getting re-married was a thing that some couples did but he was pretty sure those didn't have a special name. Nothing as cool as a super marriage, anyway. "Would it be cheap to choose our engagement?" It was not a joking question but a serious one. "I mean, that night meant the world to me. I was so nervous that you were going to leave me, or that you would say no, or that I wouldn't work up the guts... getting you to say yes was a really big moment for me." There had been a bit of awkwardness at the beginning of the night when she had been acting off but her acceptance had caused all of that to melt away. It had been the start of what had eventually become the marriage that they now cherished. He admired the engagement ring on her finger, proud that she still wore it and that she hadn't cast it aside in favour of the wedding ring. It might not have been what every girl did but that didn't matter to him. "The concert was really fun, too. I liked that I could experience that with you." He took pride in that. She might have been naive about a lot of things but he was willing to help shed some light on certain experiences. First boyfriend, first kiss, first concert, first trip outside of the country that didn't involve running from the law.

This was it, the final question. It was not like their engagement where she was not expecting something big and that was all right with him. He wanted her to expect something so that it caught her even more off guard. "So you've already asked me when I learned to trust you," he mused, "but I want to know... when will you start trusting me?" It did not sound concerned or accusing. He was not talking about cheating. He did not have any concerns about her honesty or his. No, this was a different sort of trust that he sought. "I've told you that you're the most wonderful, beautiful person I know... when will you start to believe me?" He raised his brows with an innocent smile. Let her deal with that one.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nothing made her more proud than to be viewed highly in her husband's eyes. It sounded as if Josh couldn't believe that she had the capacity to be mean, and she liked that he had that kind of faith in her. Even though she joked about it, she never wanted to be seen as mean, especially now by the man she did her best for. "One day, the claws are gonna come out and you're gonna regret ever doubting me." She spoke with an air of assurance, positive that she could bring the pain when needed. Though thinking about it, the things she said to her father and to Jane and people who backed her into a corner, she could be verbally cruel. In truth, she wished that Josh would never have to see her like that, even though she never judged him for what he may say in one of his tempers. It took her breath away when he said that he didn't know where he'd be without her. Like she was important, like he couldn't see himself anywhere but with her. She liked that, even if it may have been selfish.

Even though Nell wanted to snort when he mentioned a divorce, she held her composure. That would cause another stir in the rumor mill, she thought, them getting a divorce after just seven months of being married. Plus, she really didn't like the word divorce. It didn't sit very well with her. "It's looking that way," she said about the issue of divorce, not looking very keen about all the paperwork they'd have to go through. He was right, it would be a long process. Again, though, she didn't actually want to think about it. Not only because she had no clue what actually went into a divorce, but because it shouldn't have been a word in her head. In her life with Josh, the concept of that didn't even exist. It was just an idea that some people believed in. But not her. "I don't know, I think I'll have to invest in a chastity belt." Now they weren't just talking the 1800's, they were back in 1300's. Still, it was easier to joke like this than to actually consider it. Sometimes she thought about it and realized how big a thing it actually was, having children, starting a family. Although it made her uncomfortable sometimes to think about, she did have moments where she seriously considered how much she wanted kids.

If Nell had been more aware of the places his mind often went back then, she supposed she'd have been intimidated even more. It was bad enough that he had more experience than her. So she was thankful that he spared her considering how nervous she'd already been with him. "Thanks, doll," she said facetiously at his compliment. Well, she considered it a compliment even if it may have been inappropriate. She liked to believe that they couldn't be inappropriate with each other. She smiled wide at the look he gave her, shoulders raising silently in laughter. "Not to mention the fact that its a misdemeanor. Such a turn-on," she told him about his drunken adventures in the nude. At the time, she'd almost had an aneurysm from laughing so hard over it. When Josh huffed, she pouted and pinched his cheek. "It's your fault for not thinking I had a sex drive, vato," she informed him sweetly. "But thank you for sparing me your mind in the beginning, you could have possibly given me a heart attack." Though admittedly, springing dirty jokes on her right when she was just getting used to the fact that he had a sense of humor might have been startling. Especially since with her innocence, blushing would not have definitely been a likely outcome of that.

And speaking of blushing, it was also a likely outcome in this situation, though not quite as bad as when she admitted to him that she'd had a crush on him before. She didn't take any time to think on how strange that was, instead trying to think of a way to explain herself and the book she currently had in her possession. "A friend lent it to me," she said, just to verify how she acquired it. They sold it in bookstores, though, and she knew that because of reasons. "Actually I'd rather not because some of those things look very painful," she told him flatly, before going on to say something that was harder for her to admit, "I mean, I only...asked...my friend about stuff because you know, you were my first and I didn't know whether you were high-maintence or not." She almost winced. Like anyone, she didn't take joy in admitting what she viewed as weaknesses. She loved Josh, she gave him all she could, but of course she wondered if it was enough. It was heartening, though, to hear that he was okay. Even though Raine popped back into her mind with words of how it's supposed to be mind-blowing and that love didn't mean that anything would be good. But she took a calming breath when he told her he would have said if he was having problems. Nell needed to trust in his honesty more, she thought, otherwise she might die of a heart attack. "Oh," she said, feeling stupid for assuming that something had gone wrong because he asked, "I'd tell you too! Of course I would, yeah." Now if only her body would cool down, that would be helpful. It was hard for her to be certain about a lot of things if she actually thought on them.

Nell looked decidedly put-out about the lack of a super wedding, which was definitely a farce. She was happy where she was, in this relationship. They'd made the biggest commitment two people could. And thinking of that commitment, he answered her question with the dinner when he engaged. There was a bit of guilt in the fact she knew what she had been thinking back then, but she also remembered how that dinner had helped convince her of her love for him. "It was very easy for me to say yes," she told him before leaning up to peck him on the lips. She was warm with the memory of that night, how she'd felt when he'd gotten on one knee and asked her to be his wife. "I mean, I'm surprised I didn't scream from happiness but I suppose that means I have self-control, huh." She remembered having brought up her own parents out of nervousness. At first, she'd thought that it was him joking, though looking back, that was quite a ridiculous idea. The ring she still wore would be quite the expensive prank. "That was my favorite date too." They shared many of the same memories, at least. It would have been weird, having disjointed feelings about certain events and certain nights. She couldn't imagine having such a dysfunctional relationship, but they worked in harmony. She laughed when he mentioned the concert. "Yes, that was the end of my quarantine. First concert, too. Thanks for that, by the way. It made me really happy" He'd bought the tickets after she had gotten better. The week had been spent dealing with sickness, and thinking about it now still gave her an uncomfortable feeling. She hoped to never get sick again, though she knew that after Josh's aid through it she wouldn't treat it as she had back then. Or maybe I would, she thought grimly. She really wasn't the best at caring for herself.

With the final question, Nell honestly didn't know what to expect. Nothing major could be asked. Though she remembered how she had once messed with him and wondered if he had the same idea in mind. She tilted her head when he spoke of trust, about to say that she did trust him before he went on. The words twisted at her gut, and she felt again as if she were doing him a disservice by not believing in herself. Her smile turned sad, gaze somewhat wary when she said, "Hopefully someday soon." She really wished she could believe in herself like he believed in her, but years of psychological torment had turned her away from any kinds of thoughts that might lead her in such a poor direction. She looked away from him, settling her head back against his chest so he wouldn't have to see the pensive expression on her face. She didn't want him to feel bad, not when he always made her feel so good.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He wasn't stupid. Joshua knew that people could change on a whim, or else hide their manipulative and condescending nature from their partner until it was too late. Good or bad experiences could change a person, too. He remembered how different Nell had been in the wake of her depression, the memories still causing a painful tug at his heart as he recalled how helpless he'd felt. Yet despite all this, he trusted in her to remain the same kind, selfless person that he'd fallen in love with. It was hard for him to view her in a negative light but even her flaws had nothing to do with anger or cruelty. He envied her ability to remain as such a good person despite all that she'd been through. His experiences had made him cynical, angry, jaded, and yet hers had failed to turn her against the world that had done her much disservice over the years. It amazed him.

To her straight-faced comment, he replied, "Are you threatening me?" The idea of Nell threatening him was laughable. She was tiny and pacifistic, couldn't even come up with insults half the time when she was trying to be serious. It was cute but not frightening at all. "That's spousal abuse, you know. I could call the cops. I could get a restraining order." Sad would be the day when the proud, tough Fire had to call the police on his wife because she was beating up on him. She'd only hit him once and it had been on the arm, not hurting much from what he could remember. There was some irony in the fact that she'd been upset with him for not calling the cops on her then. Oh, the memories.

Strange as it was, Joshua liked the idea of being locked into the relationship like they were. It gave him a sense of pride knowing he could flash his ring toward anyone who was interested and tell them he was off limits. He was married and he had a beautiful wife to come home to with no need for the company of another girl. Cheating and divorce were not things that even crossed his mind and so the word did not bother him as much as it might have if they had been having problems with their marriage. They'd tied the knot over half a year ago and he had no regrets. He certainly would have some if Nell went ahead with this plan, however. "But... but sex, babe," he protested. "I don't want to go through another eleven months." He allowed a whine to creep into his voice as his brows pulled together. Joshua looked genuinely concerned for the state of his sex drive during those long, awful months during which they'd be waiting for the divorce to finalize. He'd already practised abstinence for almost a full year for Nell's sake, he was pretty sure he'd rather jump out a window than go through that again. He was married, sex wasn't supposed to be off limits now!

He was glad that it wasn't, in all seriousness. He did not regret holding off until Nell was in a better state of mind to handle such a big step in their relationship but now that they were intimate, he couldn't even fathom the idea of going back to those dry spell days. "Any time." He smirked at her and tried his best to look smug about his streaking experience. He was pretty shameless but it had been a dumb thing to do in retrospect. That was alcohol, for you. Alcohol and his refusal to back down from a challenge. "I don't see why. Indecency, pah. I happen to think I'm very decent. Wouldn't you agree?" Though he was only playing around, Josh would certainly hope that his wife didn't see his naked figure as indecent. She'd seen all the things anyone unfortunate enough to look out their window had seen that night and more. His wife pinched his cheek like an annoying older relative and he tried to look exasperated but the amusement showed in his eyes and the way that his lip twitched of its own accord. "Still hating myself for that, by the way." He could have gotten lucky so much sooner if only he'd knew!

Joshua was curious about what sort of conversation had led to the lending of such a sexual book but he did not ask, paying more attention to Nell than his own wandering mind. He lifted his brows and could not help but to snort. "Jesus. Is this a book about sex or S&M?" The Fire shook his head. He had no problems with experimentation but he certainly didn't want any harm to come to either of them during the process. He'd never been into that. He cast Nell a smile as she answered his earlier curiosities. So she'd talked to one of her friends about their sex life? It didn't bother him, it was simply something he'd never done himself. He was too proud to admit when he didn't know something. "You could have asked," he reminded her gently, "but it's all right. You know now, right?" She'd gotten fairly lucky. He wasn't into anything that could be considered freaky, no fetishes, no strong desires for something more than she could give. He put his arms around her as she took a breath, wanting nothing more than to reassure her. What had started with his own genuine concern that she was unhappy with their sex life had turned into an accidental provoking of Nell's own worries. He almost felt bad about it. "Really, as long as you don't start crying or change your mind halfway through, I don't know how you could do anything wrong." He chuckled, hoping that his humour made her feel better. Tears would be an instant boner-kill and it would be pure torture if they were unable to finish. She'd never taunted him like that and so he had no problems. He nodded. "I trust you." He had been afraid of any flaws that he might have in the bedroom but he believed her reassurance that she was satisfied with everything. Nell didn't lie to him.

His gaze warmed as she gave him a brief kiss, the touch of her lips on his a feeling he would never tire of. There was none of the awkward fluttering of nerves that had pervaded their early relationship—there was only love and confidence that he had done the right thing on the night of their engagement. "You didn't make it seem easy!" He spoke lightly and chuckled as he recalled how she'd hesitated, seemed caught off guard. He was sure that was the closest he'd ever came to a heart attack. There was nothing harder than waiting for the cruel sting of rejection. But it had never came, and he winced as he realised how that sounded, like he might have been disappointed that she didn't shriek and jump into his arms. "Which I understood, of course," he corrected himself quickly. "It was completely out of left field, just as I'd planned." It was pitched as a game to help them pass the time while they waited for their dinner and it had ended with the proposal that had been the entire reason for going out that night. "God, you have no idea how glad I was when you said yes." It had felt like his heart was permanently lodged in his throat. "Or maybe you do," he realised, eyes growing soft. She loved him, too. She'd been just as happy at the proposal as he had about her acceptance. He smiled. "I'm glad that I could make you happy. That's all that I wanted." They hadn't been having direct problems with their relationship but Nell's father had been causing a problem in her life and he had wanted to make sure her trust in him remained strong. And here they were, married and more in love than they had ever been. Regardless of the worries she might have had about her own parents, she'd trusted in him, accepted, and he had never been happier for it.

His final question had not been meant to cause any kind of alarm or upset. In fact, it was more Joshua's way of reminding her that he loved her and that he wanted her to feel good about herself, tying into their earlier conversation about her accent, the possibility of Joshua growing tired of their relationship, her concern that he was somehow unhappy. His aim was to make her realise that there was nothing to be worried about but the reaction he got was much different, much more terrifying. Brows furrowed as her smile turned sad and Joshua felt his stomach turn as the wariness entered her eyes. The innocent smile that he'd fixed onto his lips slipped into a worried frown as he swallowed. What did I say? 'Someday soon', especially coupled with such an up-in-the-air word like 'hopefully', was not the answer that he had been expecting. She looked away from him and he glanced down at her, his heart twisting. What had he done wrong? This was not like Nell. She was upset about something, but what? He couldn't understand what it was that he'd done wrong. "... Babe?" He didn't bother trying to hide the concern from his tone. "Are... you all right?" He wasn't sure what else to say. He chewed the inside of his lip. "What's wrong?" The change had seemed so sudden and it left his head spinning. The guilt rose in his throat, threatening to choke him. Was she mad?

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell sniffed, holding her own even though she couldn't even imagine threatening Josh. It brought her back to a time where it had been something she'd been worried about, the fact she would become like her mother. At least now she had confidence in that she wouldn't turn on her husband. "It's a possible future threat," she said smartly. But when he said that he would get a restraining order against her, she pulled a sad face. "I don't want that," she said, looking very sad as if this was a possibility for the future. "I'll try to resist being mean, but it's going to be really hard." She had to smile after that one. Domestic violence was certainly something on the bottom of her list. And thankfully, it was one thing she didn't have to worry about with Josh. Some people had misgivings considering his temper, but she knew he'd never hurt her and he'd never touched her before. How could someone who helped heal her cause her harm like that?

Nell tilted her head as her husband "whined" about their impending celibacy. Though the year in their relationship during which he lived as a priest made her feel bad, they had moved passed that point of their conversation. That part of their relationship was long gone and they could have each other all to themselves. Except for those darn divorce settlements. "Abstinence is the price you have to pay for having babies out of wedlock." Then she paused to think on that. At least while their papers got processed they'd both be celibate. "Never mind, that doesn't even sound like fun." She shook her head emphatically. She wouldn't be very pleased about going back to abstinence now that they had a sex life. No babies, then. At least not until...well, whenever babies happened. Since Josh had always been so organized, she wondered if he had any idea of when he wanted that to happen. She just knew that during school was not a good time to be raising kids.

The idea of Josh streaking had been a mixture of hilarious and awkward, in the same way that he knew he shouldn't have been having certain thoughts about his friend. She knew that she shouldn't have been attracted to her friend, either. Really, Josh, trapeze though? She didn't think she could view the art in the same way again. At his question, she seemed to mull over it. "Ehh...half decent," she said with a wicked smile. She considered it revenge for all the times he'd teased her. Of course she thought he was very decent, and she really hoped that he realized that. Scars or no scars, she had always been attracted to him. "But you eventually got all this," she said, gesturing to herself with her hands, "so I'd call it a success." Hopefully she really did make it up to him during their time together.

The phrase that Josh spoke was one that she did not recognize. And because he never judged her when she asked a question, revealed that she didn't know something, she asked him, "What's S&M?" Like a child asking where babies came from, and she felt like his response would be in the same vein thanks to the context of their conversation. She deflated a little when he told her that she could have asked him, and she really wished that she could remember that a lot more. Her concerns usually turned out to be silly. "I know," she agreed, enjoying the warmth as he wrapped his arms around her. She felt content now that she knew she didn't have to worry about how he felt. Nell trusted that he wouldn't just say things to spare her feelings. Things couldn't stay serious, however, as she laughed after he spoke next. He was good at making light of a situation. "That would be so horrible. What if I just told you oh wait, sorry, the Real Housewives are on?" She was giggling now, imagining that scenario. It was nice to hear that those were the only ways to disappoint him, seeing as she didn't tend to cry.

There was the moment of guilt in her chest when he told her that she hadn't made it seem easy, the guilt associated with past mistakes. It was as if he'd picked up on it when he said that it was completely understandable and that he'd wanted it to be a surprise. Nell remembered that she had definitely not expected it when he told her with nonchalance that they'd be going out to eat at Northern Lights. Pushing him lightly in the chest with the palm of her hand, she smiled as she told him, "I thought you were kidding." It was hilarious to look back on, as a matter of fact. He was really good at surprising her, at flustering her in general. The engagement may have been the biggest surprise at all. She smiled wider when he said that he had been so glad she'd agreed. She understood his happiness, that was for sure. "I was very glad, even though marriage hadn't even been on my mind. But I figured, hey, getting married to the guy I'm in love with? That sounds like a good deal." She grinned. It had been the best thing he could have done for her at that time in her life, and it paid off in the long run. She wasn't a girlfriend anymore, she was the wife. Nell fully embraced the title.

Hearing the concern in his voice, she quickly looked up at him, feeling about as guilty as he did in that moment. She should have known he'd be able to tell something was wrong. But she didn't know if she wanted to tell him. How could you lie to him? The answer to that was simple: she couldn't. And so she hesitated only a little before she told him, "I want to do right by you but I'm scared...that I'm not going to live up to your expectations." She wanted to look at herself and see what he did, she wanted that more than anything. But every time she did that, she saw her flaws first, glaring in her face. That's what she saw in herself before anything else. And because Josh saw her positives first, she felt like she was hurting him. She didn't want to hurt him when she loved him so much.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Lifting his chin, Joshua settled for looking smug. "Then maybe you shouldn't threaten your dear husband." The corner of his lip twitched briefly with the effort it took to restrain his amusement. Their straight-faced banter was a staple of their day-to-day life and he enjoyed it more than anything. It was that simple connection with his wife that he cherished, the understanding of one another and how well they could go back and forth. He patted her arm sympathetically. "Maybe we'll get you declawed instead." He imagined that would hurt a great deal. Simply tearing off the edge of a broken nail was agony, ripping off all ten of them was bound to be worse.

They certainly hadn't held off until marriage to start sleeping together. They were living in modern times where it was perfectly acceptable to bang someone before putting a ring on it. "Then maybe I don't want babies out of wedlock." He spoke like a petulant child negotiating with it's parents. "You ask too much of me, Nell. Maybe this isn't gonna work out." She seemed to rethink her decision, however, and he smiled. "I knew you'd come around. We can have sex and babies while we're married. I mean, why not, right?" It was easy for him to joke about children without thinking too hard on the future. He believed Nell when she told him that she was willing to try and so he was perfectly comfortable letting that subject rest until it seemed a good time to bring it up again. She was still in college, he was getting used to medical school... they had time yet. They were young. He let his gray gaze roam her figure without reserve as she gestured to herself. Smirking, he kissed her neck, her collarbone. "Definitely a success." He was happy with her, everything about her. It would have been unfortunate if they finally had sex after eleven months and it was bad, so he was glad things hadn't panned out like that.

Caught off guard by the question, it took him a second or two to process. She doesn't know? The surprise was only brief. His wife's naivete had come up many times during their three years together and he was more than accustomed to explaining things or exposing her to new concepts and interests. He liked the feeling that he could shed some light on things she didn't understand. Better to hear it from her husband than from someone who might judge her for her lack of knowledge. "It's, uh, it stands for sadism and masochism," he told her. "Sadists like to inflict pain and masochists like receiving it, it's some sort of sexual... kink, thing, I guess you could call it." As he hadn't given much thought about the explanation before opening his mouth, he paused a few times and tried to make more sense of it. "Definitely not my thing, at any rate," he chuckled. He might have had a tolerance for pain but an enjoyment for it was another thing entirely. He didn't get off from hurting others, either, which was good for Nell.

Thinking back to that night and how serious he had been, it amused him to think that his then-girlfriend had assumed he was playing some sort of a trick. "That'd be a pretty dick move if you actually wanted to get married," he mused. "Like 'Let's get married!' and then you say yes and I'm all 'Just kidding!'? God, I'm not that much of an asshole." He grinned at her, glad that they could laugh about it now. It had been a rough time for her and a stressful time for Joshua but that night had all paid off in the end. He caught her hand in his and smiled as he touched the rings. He liked that she wore her engagement ring even after getting married. It meant something to him even if he didn't say it aloud. His own ring meant just as much, a simple band of metal that signified his devotion to the woman now curled against his chest. Her warmth against him was welcomed and the fact that his foot was going to sleep from not moving escaped his notice.

The light and airy feeling that had filled his chest earlier in the night vanished as his gut twisted with remorse, brows knitting together as he saw the strange expression on Nell's face. She looked back at him when he spoke to get her attention and the sinking feeling didn't get much better as she spoke. "No," he said softly, automatically. He shifted a little bit so that he could better meet her gaze, his own flooded with concern. "No, babe, Nell, that's not... I didn't mean it like that..." He felt like a jerk and he had to stop himself for a moment to collect his thoughts. Is that how I made it sound? He hadn't been paying attention to how his words might have been interpreted and he found himself regretting that now. I wanted to make her feel better, not worse. He sucked anxiously on the inside of his cheek before opening his mouth again. "I want you to be happy, that's all. I don't..." How did he put his thoughts into words? He'd never been particularly good at conveying his feelings and it was coming back to bite him now. "You don't have to live up to anything. That's not what I meant, I just meant... I want you to be happy." He was repeating himself in his desperation to get across the proper message. Teeth worried at his bottom lip. "Please don't feel like you have to live up to anything. That you have to change anything." He loved her the way she was, flaws and all. He found it hard to accept her self-criticism knowing how much he loved her but he didn't want her to feel bad about it, like he wanted her to alter herself. She'll change when she wants to. He'd stick around no matter what.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell looked sour at his confident expression, half tempted to stick her tongue out at him. "Gosh, you're the meanie here," she told him. Actually, she believed that he was way too nice to be a meanie. He'd always been infallibly kind, so even joking like they were now it was a far-fetched idea that either of them would ever be cruel to one another. She recoiled away from him, giving her husband the best puppy dog eyes she had while trying not to smile at him. "You wouldn't do that!" She rubbed her hands together as if imagining it then, her eyebrows knitted together in worry. Declawing cats was bad enough, and really horrible.

The idea of not being married to Josh anymore didn't please her. At least we'd still be together. That, she realized, was the most important thing. As long as she could still be with Josh, she'd be okay. "Hey, you're the one who suggested it, okay. Clearly you want me to have your bastard child." There might have been nothing wrong with living in sin, but she'd much rather be married to Josh than have it any other way. For them it hadn't been a religious commitment; it had been a commitment to each other. "Sounds like a pretty good deal, I guess," she told him, again not thinking too hard on the hypothetical babies they were having. She never let her fear trickle through, the thoughts that it just wouldn't work. Because she knew underneath that fear, she really wanted children, she wanted to be a mother with Josh as father. She wanted to break the cycle her family had created for her. Nell curled her fingers in his shirt when she felt his lips at her neck, the guaranteed way to make her week in the knees. "Yeah, I thought so," she told him easily in a rare show of confidence. At least she could be confident in them, even if she had her fears and uncertainties.

It never felt embarrassing for her to admit not knowing something to her husband. In the beginning she'd tried her best to hide it, though she supposed the first hint that he might have had that she didn't have much experience with the world was when she asked him to take her to a playground and she didn't know how to use the merry-go-round. This was a much different aspect of her naivete, and her skin blanched white at his explanation. "Oh...that's not very...that's not good," she said in a small voice, unable to comprehend it. She liked to keep violence very far away from every relationship she had. And in a sexual one? That was just chilling. She smiled at him when he said that he wasn't into that. Welll...thank you?" He'd have done a very good job at hiding it had he a kink like that. Anything else she could be okay with, but any sort of pain infliction was difficult for her to even talk about. She was a pacifist through and through.

The memory of their proposal was definitely one of the favorites she had, even though she could consider every moment she had with Josh her favorite. She'd been happy to have dinner with him that night, something that had scared her back then. She believed that night had been the first time she realized just how much she was in love with him. "Coulda been a Ring Pop or something," she said through a laugh. "Or I don't know, a new prank show. 'You've been fake proposed to!'" That would be a terribly mean prank show, and she would have been highly confused if Josh took it back and saw he was just kidding or something. And looking back, she'd have definitely been disappoint. "I think laughing at you was kind of a nervous reaction, I have to say." It hadn't even been laughing at him, because that would have been cruel of her. If she had been proposed to before she might have been better equipped, but when Josh pulled out the ring she didn't even know what to do at first. But now she wore it along with the ring Josh had given her on their wedding day, and she smiled as he took her hand.

In telling him how she felt, there was the guilt that she might hurt him. It was the last thing she wanted. She met his eyes when he shifted and started to speak. Holding in her breath, she waited for him to continue, feeling a twist in her stomach when he told her he wanted to be happy. Josh seemed nervous as he spoke, and she didn't want him to feel bad about it because it wasn't his fault. None of it had ever been his fault. But she was glad to hear him say that she didn't have to live up to anything. She touched her fingers lightly to his cheek, looking down and breathing before she managed to speak up. "I want to be happy with myself, too," she told him. That much was clear, even when she told him hopefully someday soon. In a way, she wanted to live up to his expectations. "But it scares me that...I'll never shake my mother off. Or that I'll never be able to erase seventeen years of being treated like..." She took a breath to ease her nerves. A number of words could have finished that sentence, but what she wanted to say was like something less than human. "For years I tried to impress to my mother when all she did was hurt me, and now I want to impress you but it feels like it's too late." She knew she shouldn't have been the way she was, because Josh's opinion mattered more than her mother's ever had. But the past still hurt in profound ways, and the damage had only begun to prepare. Nell dropped her hand down to her chest, looking away as she felt moisture collect in her eyes. Damn if she would start to cry, she did not like crying. "But...I don't want you to give up on me. I had seventeen years with her, but I'll have forever with you." Because she did want to feel good about herself all the time, not just when he complimented her. And she didn't want him to stop being a good influence on her just because she couldn't yet accept herself, and she might not accept herself soon. If her mother could damage her with hate, then it only made sense that Josh could fix her with his love.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Nell seemed to take the explanation to heart, turning white and looking disturbed. He was wrought with the desire to laugh but restrained himself for her sake, not wanting her to feel silly. "It's not so bad if it's a mutual agreement, I guess... though why anyone would agree to let someone hurt them is beyond me." He shook his head. Then there was bondage, which was the stuff of Joshua's nightmares. Relinquishing total control to another person wasn't something he could see himself doing. It went against his very nature. "One hundred percent kink free." He paused, then added, "That I know of. If I develop a sudden fetish for balloons or some shit, I'll let you know." He grinned at her. It was easy for him to brush things off in the form of jokes, especially when he could tell the subject was one that put Nell ill at ease.

He seemed to seriously consider something, then shook his head. "No, no, a Ring Pop would be a good way to pull a trick on me," he countered. "I think you'd be better with, uh..." He struggled to think of some kind of food that was ring-shaped and delicious. Of course, his wife liked almost any food in existence and so it was more the shape that caught him off guard. "I'd say I could make a ring out of shepherd's pie but that wouldn't really fit on your finger. More like a crown." He had to chuckle as he pictured her wearing an entire pie on her head. The mental picture was ridiculous. This entire conversation was ridiculous, not that he minded. "I'd hate to think you were laughing about something else!" He had been terribly nervous that night and for a man that did not usually feel anxious, it had been a lot to deal with. Nell's laughter might have worried him at the time but the moment she'd said yes he was sure it had all melted away. He could not remember exactly how he'd felt that night, only that the mere memory of their engagement caused a pleasant stirring in his stomach.

His skin tingled under her soft touch and he blinked at her, a mix of concern and guilt reflected in his eyes. She did not seem angry with him but he could not help the feeling that had taken hold of his stomach, twisting his insides and tying knots in his tongue. He listened in the solemn quiet, allowing her to speak without interruption. His worried gaze turned sad when her mother was mentioned, then angry, his lips pressed tight as he reigned in the rage that clawed at his chest. The thought of anyone hurting Nell, past or present, was sickening to him. Infuriating. Like shit? He didn't finish for her and she didn't seem to be able to finish, either. He did not prompt her or give any form of encouragement. He felt the need to step back and let her say as much or as little as she wanted. They had never talked about this before, not in depth, and he did not want to push her in directions she did not want to go. You've done enough of that already. There was the guilt again, his conscience sniping him and nearly making him wince. He hoped she forgave him for how he'd made her feel.

Joshua did not quite know how to respond at first, expression conflicted as he struggled with words that would not come to him. He knew how he felt, an overpowering sense of love and devotion and sorrow and other things less easily explained, but to convey those feelings to Nell was not so simple. In the time it took him to sort through his thoughts, his wife spoke again and this prompted him to react with more than just a muted, stunned look.

Nell looked away from him and he drew in a breath, reaching out to touch her arm in a desperate attempt to console her. The words were still difficult to form but he knew that he should speak lest his silence concern his wife all the more. "You don't need to impress me," he started in response to her earlier comment. "I love you more than anything, Nell. You impressed me a long time ago." She continued to impress him as the weeks turned into months turned into years. He drew a shaky breath, suppressing anger as he thought of the woman who had damn near ruined Nell's life for good. Mia Sinclair had nearly destroyed the girl who kept him going. "And I will never, ever hurt you like she did." He was not saying this to sooth any fears that his wife might have. He was confident that she trusted in him to never become an abuser, whether verbally, emotionally or physically. His words were meant to assure her that he was different from her mother in every way and that his expectations were much different. He could not believe that Mia had loved her daughter, not after hearing the terrible things she'd done. Josh loved her. Josh was the one who was always there for her in the aftermath of Mia's death and the onset of the trial.

He had not gone through the things described during that trial. He had never felt Nell's pain first-hand but he felt an ache in his chest now as he realised how damaged she truly was. He'd always known it somewhere in the back of his mind but this forced him to acknowledge what she'd endured—seventeen years of mental conditioning at the hands of the woman who was supposed to love and nurture her. He thought of his father, of how much the man's respect and approval meant to him. Of how much it hurt when that approval was not earned. To think of dealing with that for seventeen years on top of all the abuse that Nell had suffered, the death of her sister, her father's abandonment... he began to grasp exactly how difficult it must have been. How difficult it would still be. I'll never really understand, he thought to himself, but I can do my best. He wanted to do all that he could to reverse the damage that Mia had done and if his continued love and support was what she needed, what she wanted, he was more than happy to be there for her. Joshua took her into his arms and held her close, hoping to offer comfort with the closeness of his presence. "I could never give up on you." He wouldn't. Couldn't. The very idea of giving his wife up for a lost cause repulsed him. Even if his efforts never truly paid off, he would keep trying. Because he loved her.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell being Nell, she didn't realize that sexual kinks required mutual understanding of both parties involved, as Josh explained. She didn't even want to think about that kind of thing. Why would anyone want to be hurt? She gave a little smile when he said that he was kink free, and even though he said that she knew she would accept it; she would do whatever to make him happy and make him feel good. "That sounds like you'd be starting your transformation into a clown," she joked right back, glad to not be on the topic of sadism anymore. Out of all the things she learned that night, S&M was the very worst. All the other discoveries and revelations turned out to be good for their relationship, and she was glad that they'd played this game.

Nell imagined proposing to him with a Ring Pop and she just might because who didn't like Ring Pops? Or proposals, even though they were already married. She blinked as he thought up a good trick for her and it took a second to process. "I...I don't even know if I'd enjoy that," she said with a blank expression, simply trying to imagine something like a shepherd's pie crown. "That'd be so messy." It was all she could really think of. She felt very satisfied with her rings, though him making her shepherd's pie was always greatly appreciated. Nell tried not to laugh very hard, but her lips twitched with restraint as she said, "What, were you worried you knelt in some food?" That would have been a bit of a downer. But she supposed in the euphoria of their impending marriage, it wouldn't have been too bad.

The conversation turned a lot darker with the question, however, and she couldn't help but feel bad for bringing her mother up. Nell didn't talk about her past for a multitude of reasons, and it was equally easier and more difficult to talk about it with Josh. It was difficult because she didn't like for him to hear about that kind of thing, she wanted to protect him from it. But she wasn't too worried when he remained silent. What could he say to that? It was another reason she disliked mentioning it to him, because it put him into an awkward position. But the easy part was that she knew she could talk to him about anything, and he wouldn't turn away and he wouldn't judge. He'd kept her secret, he'd stayed with her, and he stayed with her whenever it became too much and she couldn't take it. Josh had always been her silent support, even though it had to take its toll on him. Words couldn't describe just how much he meant to her. Whenever she thought that she was too messed up, he'd proven her wrong.

And she also hated crying in front of him, because she wanted to be strong all the time but she couldn't help it when her eyes watered. But when he touched her arm, she felt the weight on her chest lift a little so that she could smile at him. It wasn't big, but it was there. When he spoke, however, it was all she could do to keep the tears from spilling over. Did her husband know how much she looked up to him? Admired him? As much as she ever had her own parents. She had tried to prove herself to those two, learning big words for her father and cooking her mother dinner, and they ended up breaking her heart. Nowadays, she only wanted to impress Josh, and hearing him say that he'd always had been meant more than anything. Like she didn't have to strive for his attention, like she didn't have to be the best at anything to matter. She felt comfortable in her own skin. "I..." she began, trying to form some words that would convey just how much what he said meant to her. Nell knew he would never hurt her, counted on him for that, depended on him in a way that she told herself she should never depend on anyone. He'd given her safety and peace of mind.

Unfortunately, there was no words. There was only the emotion pushing up into her throat, making her press her forehead against his chest as she squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't want to cry, she'd never been so negative in her emotions, but she didn't even know whether these were good tears or bad tears. Was she crying because she'd been hurt or because she would never be hurt again? His arms around her felt so secure, and she didn't even know why she was hiccuping, her shoulders shaking. Nell wanted to apologize to him, felt like this was so out of left field, and all the while she was trying to think of how to tell him that she wasn't upset with him. Quite the opposite. She'd never talked to anyone like this. Even her therapist, all that had been was evasion. She'd never spoken a word on just how bad her mother hurt her, how much her history affected her and how much she wanted to grow from it. But sometimes she got so scared of herself, and to hear that her husband would never give up on her meant more than the world. Her father had given up on his family and even though she didn't consciously acknowledge it, that had always built her up for disappointment.

Swallowing hard, her throat sore now, she rubbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said quietly, furious with herself. Her mind was still busy working, trying to come up with a way to properly explain herself to him. "I don't know..." She took a deep breath. "I hope you understand how much you mean to me. Maybe it's more than you'll ever know." God, she was getting flustered. Even after that, she wasn't good with her emotinos. "I wish I could explain it better, but I can't. Just know that the three years I've spent with you have been the best of my life." Josh had been the most positive influence she'd ever had. And she hoped that she could in some way repay him for it, show him the same love and devotion that he'd always shown her. While sometimes she felt like she didn't deserve it, when everything caught up to her, she reminded herself of what he would tell her, the fact that she was wonderful. If she didn't need to impress him, then she had to be doing something right. She deserved the chance to be happy with herself, to change everything that the past had done to her. Nell's eyebrows knitted together. "I got your shirt all wet," she said weakly. Why did she have to get so emotional with him

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Nell trailed off and Joshua blinked, waiting expectantly for words that did not come. In their place were tears and his breath caught in his throat as she pushed her face against his chest. Is she all right? Crying was not something that his wife did very often and so his gut twisted out of concern for her as his forehead creased. What should he do? Had he said the wrong thing yet again? He could not remember a time that he'd ever reduced her to tears for any sort of negative reason and so the anxiety was almost overpowering. Not knowing what else to do, he kept his arms wrapped around her and held her close as she sobbed against his chest, the sounds causing an ache in his heart. He did not like to see her this upset. He assumed that it was upset, for why else would she be crying? "It's all right," he said quietly, wanting to comfort her but not knowing how. "It's okay." He had never been particularly good at consoling people before, never knowing the right things to say or do in a difficult situation. He was much more likely to run and hide than to lend a shoulder to cry on but as Nell was the woman he loved, he tried his best for her. Always had.

He stroked her hair with one hand as she seemed to calm down a little, rubbing at her eyes and telling him that she was sorry. He shook his head, distressed. "Don't apologise. It's fine. You're fine." What was fine, exactly? He did not know. He still wasn't clear on what he'd said to send her over the edge and so he felt a mixture of guilt and curiosity as he waited for some sort of explanation. Should he be the one apologising? He thought about doing so in case it might make her feel better—that was all he wanted—but refrained as she started to speak. What? he wanted to ask. What don't you know? His lips would not form the words and she had plenty of time to go on.

Convinced that her tears had been of sadness and anguish, Josh was expecting her to say that he'd upset her with his words. He was only doing what he could, uncertain of what he could say to make things right, and so he felt helpless to understand what she was going through. When she started off with praise and compliment, therefore, it jarred his thought process to a halt. Huh? The anxiety melted away to be replaced with warmth, a tiny smile edging its way onto his lips. "I..." Now it was his turn to be without words, wanting to thank her but not knowing how to phrase it. He shook his head yet again when she went on, wanting to reassure her. "No," he said, "No, you don't have to... that's..." They were both struggling to properly articulate their feelings and he stopped himself before he went into some sort of a ramble. He collected his thoughts and tried again, this time coming back with a steady and soft, "I understand." Was that enough? It didn't seem to do his feelings proper justice but it was all that words could give. "That's all I want, Nell." All he'd ever wanted was to know that he was doing the right thing.

That was why it had stung when he'd discovered that his words had hurt hurt. That was why there was so much guilt associated with his past mistakes. He wanted to ensure that he kept her as happy as she made him, self-critical or not. For he would love her no matter how much or how little she loved herself. He couldn't help but laugh when she pointed out how her tears had soaked his shirt, a fact that had slipped his own mind until now. He'd been so focused on worrying over her emotional state that he hadn't felt the dampness against his chest until she pointed it out. "Ah, don't worry about it. As long as you feel better now." Perhaps she'd just needed to let out all of the emotions she'd been holding in for so long. He wouldn't judge her for them even if he couldn't fully comprehend how she felt. He just wanted her to be all right.