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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Jan 29, 2013 5:01:30 GMT -5
Nell was surprised at his expression before he spoke, curious of what he'd been wondering about. Apparently, he didn't understand and that made sense. Her lips pulled up into a small smile. She admired him a lot his confidence one of the things she looked up to. Sure, she could fake it but it didn't come close to really feeling sure about herself and what she did. "Well," she told him, scrunching her lips to the side as she thought, wanting to accurately explain her feelings to Josh. "You ever get a low grade on a paper or test? It's kind of like that, all the time." Exactly like that, as a matter of fact, the red marks making you aware of everything wrong with you and the feeling of disappointment. That mixed with worrying that you will never be able to succeed on the next test. That's why she didn't want to think about it much. She knew Josh believed in her, though, and that made her feel an inexplicable emotion. She wanted to keep his faith in her that she could get better about how she viewed herself.
His laughter was contagious and she chuckled a little at his joke. He definitely knew how to make what could have been an awkward situation much better. "My daily Josh Talk alert, thanks," she said, overly fond tone indicating her joke. She liked talking to him whenever she could, but both of them could understand how some things were hard to bring up. Especially since she realized she sounded like a child who can't really articulate her feelings when she tried to talk about them. In that vein of thought, she couldn't articulate the feeling when he regarded her accent as something he loved about her. It was enough to make her grin like an idiot. Her grin dropped and was replaced with a bright look indicative of an idea. "You should try! Do a New York accent! Or better...do a southern accent!" Not permanently, of course, but sometimes doing accents was fun. Not when it was to completely change, though, as she learned the hard way.
Nell actually wondered if he remembered anything from the first night they met. The only thing he would need to remember was threatening her and in the midst of that nearly cutting off his finger. He hadn't talked that much at all. Well, not until he stumbled out of the bar and she decided it was a good plan to come along. She nodded her head solemnly when he seemed surprised that he'd intimidated her. It wasn't even because he was an angry drunk. That definitely helped assert the fact she viewed him as a scary guy. But he had an air about him most commonly associated with villains. "I didn't think you were a bad guy, though!" she told him earnestly. "And maybe I just had a little bit of a crush on you." The words came out in a rush as a blush settled on her cheeks and she quickly followed them up with, "Plus, who else was gonna help me with my work? Twelfth grade was insane!" She felt like she could make her previous statement disappear with those words, embarrassed even though she was now married to him.
She gave Josh her most innocent look when he hushed her and placed a finger on her lips. She still found it funny that he apparently hadn't known he'd been a scary dude. But she stayed quiet as he figured out the problem she had been working on, and told her where she'd gone wrong. Nell went on to complete it. "Welp, hope that doesn't catch me up on a test," she said before turning to look at him with eyebrows raised. "Do you even take Stats, mister?" she asked accusingly. She didn't know all of what medical school included, probably a lot of subjects with -gy at the end. She finished the rest of the problems stopping sometimes to ask him some questions and make sure that she didn't go the wrong route again before folding her notebook closed. "Thanks, Joshy," she said, placing her on one cheek and leaning over to kiss him on the other. "Now I am free! Hey, you wanna play a game?" she said, doing her usual switching train of thought in one sentence gig.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Jan 29, 2013 5:45:38 GMT -5
He was patient as he waited for her response, curious to see what she would have to say. Joshua did not think that Nell would be able to offer him an accurate comparison between their two vastly different worlds and so he was caught off guard when she spoke. He feared failure, feared not being good enough, and in that moment all of the anxiety and negative thoughts came rushing back to remind him how it felt. Academics themselves had never been an issue but he remembered getting low marks in subjects like gym that he was sure would ruin his entire grade. What if he failed because of them? What if his father got upset? The idea of Donovan looking down on him as his report card displayed a big fat 'F' had horrified him to such a degree that he'd always been scared to receive it in middle school when physical education was still a requirement. He looked grim for a moment, winced. "All the time?" He didn't like the sound of that. "I don't know that I could cope..." He had a sudden rush of respect and admiration for Nell. How did she maintain such a sunny demeanour when she held everyone else higher than herself and took what they said to heart? "You must have some kind of strength. It's impressive, really. How do you do it?" It was not like him to admit any kind of envy but he trusted her enough to ask.
Being put on the spot was not something that bothered him, though he did look uncertain for a moment as he tried to think of all the unique sounds associated with the specific accents. "New York I might be able to handle, I mean I live with you, but southern? Hm... give me something to say?" He was not shy about it but he did wonder about how well he might do. He'd never really tried to impersonate an accent before. He'd seen people that were really good at it and people who were absolutely terrible. Which side would he fall upon? It was due to this doubt that he added, "Or try to say, really. I can't promise it'll be any good." He grinned, not bothered. It was all in good fun.
Touched as he was, Josh also worried about her early perception of him. What if I had been? He was protective and didn't like the idea of her befriending other nasty, violent patrons of bars. She didn't work as a bartender any more but he bet that the casino saw its fair share of obnoxious drunks. He was spared any further thought on the matter by the way she continued. He smiled as she blushed, clearly pleased by this information. "You had a crush on me? All the way back then?" In youth, Josh hadn't crushed on many people in a cutesy sort of manner. There were hot girls and there were not so hot girls. He didn't make much more of a distinction. Nell had certainly changed that with his emotional attachment to her but it surprised him to find that she'd been attracted to him before they'd really gotten to know one another. He couldn't say he was upset by this. Quite the opposite. He smirked now as he watched the colour rise in her cheeks. "So what was it, hm? Was it because you wanted a bad boy or am I just that damn sexy?" Though his hair wasn't long enough to effectively flip, he made a motion with his head anyway for emphasis. His teasing tone and the happy glimmer in his eyes said it all. "Hey, now, don't change the subject! I'll have you know I was perfectly all right with hearing about how much you liked me back then." He laughed. He was glad things had worked the way they did. "Don't be shy! You were always pretty adorable yourself." He used the word adorable in the same playful manner. In truth he'd thought she was smoking hot but he'd also felt that she was in a whole different league, too innocent for him and totally not interested.
It really did feel like a return to their roots as he sat there and coached her through the section of the problem she'd been having difficulty with. Instead of sitting across from one another and exchanging only awkward pleasantries at the start of a study session things felt intimate now as he sat close to her on the couch and his hand brushed hers as he went to point something out. "I did in college," he said. "Along with Calculus." He loved Math-related subjects because their step-by-step processes worked well with his analytical mind. He was not quite as proficient with more creative subjects like English, though he'd managed to maintain good grades by studying a lot and trying his best. He didn't allow himself to get lazy. He smiled as she kissed him. "Any time, Mrs. Dale." He still loved to call her that on occasion. That she shared his last name still surprised him at times and caused that fluttering in his stomach that had occurred often in the beginning of their relationship when everything was new and they were still learning the ropes together. "Sure thing. What game?" Nell brought out his much less serious side. He'd slide down the stairs with her, play board games, act silly and joke around. He loved her.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Jan 29, 2013 17:51:19 GMT -5
Nell watched as her husband thought on her comparison, his expression pained. It almost made her laugh, but she refrained from even smiling. This may have been an issue that affected her deeply, but she could still laugh about it. In her mind, that was the best way to deal with things. Josh said that he didn't think he'd be able to cope with that. But she blinked, surprised when he spoke of strength. That didn't make her strong, she didn't think. Then again, she could be just as hard on herself as other people may have been on her accent. "I just like to pay more attention to other people," she said with a light shrug and a smile. It caused issues with people like the random guy judging her, but it also helped her not pay attention to the things that bothered her about herself. "It's not impressive at all." She liked that he thought it was, though, like it was a strength. It was nice whenever he expressed pride or approval in her.
She hadn't actually expected him to take her seriously, instead just laugh it off. She didn't even know if she was serious herself, until she decided to give him something to say. "Haha, I won't mind!" she said when he told her that he couldn't make any promises about it. She hesitated a moment, trying to think of something a southerner would say. "Y'all gotta try them eleven herbs and spices." She even rocked her arms back and forth, as if that's what people from the south did. She laughed after saying it, but eventually calmed enough to tell him, "Do it, do it." She was actually very excited to hear what he would do.
Josh just had to latch onto the crush thing. He seemed pleased by her admission and she supposed that should have made her feel better about what she said, but it was still embarrassing. It was something she'd never told him before. She glared at him when he asked if it was his bad boy aura or if it was because of his sexiness. Definitely sexiness, she thought, but didn't tell him that as she went on to another reason she stuck around him. "You know what, now I'm not gonna tell anything because you're getting cocky." She gave him an 'in your face' look. That's what he got for teasing her. But then she had mercy, and decided to tell him the truth. "For the record, it was your sexiness. And you had that whole mysterious thing going for you. Yeah." She was still blushing as she finished, to the point where she thought she might overheat and pass out. It was out there, at least! Now she just had to deal with the fact that she had dirty thoughts about him even before he asked her out. And of course she didn't know what to do with that. Crushes had been new to her and she didn't think she should be going telling him that she thought he was fine. "So you thought I was pretty adorable? Or pretty and adorable, because I can deal with that, too. Or even muy caliente." She grinned, trying to get her body temperature to return to normal so she didn't just faint.
She wrinkled her nose when he spoke of taking it and Calculus in college. It was weird to think that he had graduated the Academy and was working as faculty now. And she still had two years to go. "No excuse," she told him. It shouldn't have been that easy to remember a problem like this. She didn't mind mathematics, but she figured she wouldn't have been taking it if it wasn't required for her major. Science and math tended to go hand in hand. Nell beamed with pride when he called her Mrs. Dale, always pleased as punch whenever her professors called on her that way. She placed everything on the floor before curling against Josh's side, pulling her feet underneath her. He asked which game they should play and she grinned. "Let's play twenty questions," she suggested. The last time they'd played that had been when he proposed and she was pretending like she wasn't interested in his answers. It hadn't worked out. "But just about the past. For instance..." Nell wracked her brain for something, before coming up with, "Did you have any idea that I might have had feelings for you before you asked me out?" Because -- as she told him -- she did. She just wondered if he picked it up. Not like she'd been particularly flirty because...well, she didn't know really know how to flirt. She got better, though.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Jan 31, 2013 5:43:04 GMT -5
Joshua tried not to look too exasperated as he repressed a sigh. Here we are, back at square one again. The pride that he'd felt when she'd accepted that some people weren't worth her time was muted now as she reminded him of an age old flaw in her character. Haven't we been over this before? He'd tried his hardest to make her accept what a good person she was but it was not an easy journey. She clearly had a long way to go. Not one to be easily discouraged, Joshua would not give up. I'll get there in the end. Or, rather, Nell would. He hoped. "You should pay attention to yourself sometimes, too." He tried not to sound too pushy or stubborn and left it there. One tiny step at a time. "Nell." Now he sighed, running a hand through his dark hair. "I am giving you a compliment. You've got one thick skin, don't you see that?" He wished that she could see herself the way that he did. Maybe she'd have a lot more faith in herself then.
He also chuckled at the words and had to take a moment to compose himself before he could take the challenge even the slightest bit seriously. "Okay," he said, inhaling and going over a couple of key points in his mind before he tried, "Y'all gotta try them eleven herbs and spices." He had barely gotten to the end before he burst into laughter again, shaking his head and grinning wide. "God, I sound like a redneck." It was all in good fun, though.
A glimmer of mischief danced in his eyes as he met her look with a smirk, pleased with himself and with her admission. At first he thought that she wasn't going to answer him at all but things only got better when she did. "You mean the Oscar the Grouch thing going on?" He could poke fun at himself around Nell without any restraint. If anyone else were to point fingers or call names he would flip his lid but his confidence allowed him to lighten up. The glow of pride was hard to miss. She thought I was sexy. All right. He might not have had many issues with self-esteem but to know his wife had been attracted to him before he'd even considered a relationship was a boost nonetheless. "You're even cuter when you blush." He poked her cheek. "Oh, definitely the latter. You don't even know the half of it..." And on that suggestive note, he trailed off. Where would Nell's thoughts take her? He remembered the cold shower days of their relationship but even more awkward had been the days before they'd started dating. He had dealt with intense feelings of attraction toward an innocent Earth who was supposed to be his friend. It had been rough. Flexible. Those were the days.
"Hey!" His tone was light as he protested. "I actually like Math!" It was one of his favourite subjects, of which he had too many to be considered acceptable by some. He could not help that he generally liked school and had a passion for learning. He knew Nell was only poking fun.
A smile tugged at his lips when she snuggled against his side and he put his arm around her, leaning down slightly to kiss her forehead. This was the way he'd wanted to spend the evening. She brought up a game that had long since faded into the background in their lives but that he remembered well. It was a trademark of their relationship, their game even though they hadn't been the ones to invent it. It seemed fitting somehow and so he nodded and waited for her to ask the first question. It was easy for him to answer. "God, no," he admitted. "I didn't think I was your type. I mean look at me." One could say tall, dark and handsome... or they could say 'total jackass and a player'. He'd always assumed she'd see him as the latter, both given the way they'd met and the rumours that travelled around the school.
Now it was his turn and he hesitated before asking something that had been on his mind for a while. "So was there anyone else you liked...? Before we started dating, I mean." A lot of people had crushes but as a jealous person, it ate away at the back of his mind. What if there had been someone else? What if, had Joshua not made a move when he did, she could have ended up with someone entirely different? The past was past now but some morbid part of him wanted to know.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Feb 1, 2013 4:38:57 GMT -5
One thing Nell didn't view as a bad thing was the fact that she looked out for people. That was a good thing, wasn't it? But Josh's concern was that she didn't pay attention to herself. "I...do." Didn't she? She didn't really take herself into account when it came to certain things, like if helping another person might put her out somehow. And besides, how does one pay attention to oneself? She wasn't very good at introspection. Nell didn't think coping was strength, that constantly feeling bad about herself -- when she did think about herself -- was something to be proud of. Josh might have meant the fact that she didn't let it show meant she had a tough skin, but she didn't want to accept a compliment about something that she knew was wrong. She rubbed her arm, looking away. "Somehow I don't think taking the worse things about myself into account is indicative of a thick skin..." While she did feel comfortable talking to Josh, she did have her limits. Like extended focus on herself. That was something she did not enjoy.
Trying to keep herself composed so as not to make Josh laugh again was harder than she thought it would be. Though she did let it all out after he finished, joining in with him. She cupped her hands over her mouth before taking them away to tell him, "Oh my god, stomach hurts." No human should be allowed to laugh that hard, it was unhealthy. Especially while eating dinner.
Nell didn't mind feeding her husband's ego at all. Even if it didn't need any more inflation. "Oh yeah, green guys in trash cans are totally a turn on." She didn't mind that he'd been grumpy or quiet or any of that. if it had been a turn off, she wouldn't have been so eager to spend time around him. And she had always cared for him, initially in the way that she cared for anyone, even for complete strangers. It still felt odd to think of, their rocky beginnings. She gave him a sour look when he poked her cheek, the fact that he pointed out her blush giving it no chance of reprieve. "This is why I don't tell you things, you're very mean to me." It was only made worse with what he implied by his next statement. She lifted her eyebrows. "Really? I don't? That's frightening." She smiled after that, shaking her head. Even back then? Now it was time for her ego to be stroked. Of course, she didn't even have any idea of the cold shower phase that he'd experienced. Actually, she hadn't any hint that he wanted more than what she was giving at that time.
Nell knew she was lucky that her husband was good at...everything. It made homework a lot easier. She leaned her head back and groaned, "Dork." That was her biggest insult, obviously. Better than classics like poopyhead and stupidface.
Smiling when Josh kissed her forehead, she felt very content right then, and not only because she'd finally finished her homework. She was eager to hear his answer to her question, excited for the game they hadn't played in so long. After all, she liked learning about him. This was the past that they could talk about, that she felt completely comfortable in talking about. It was their history, something they shared. Nell blinked in surprise at his answer, however. "Really? I thought I was transparent!" She did like spending a lot of time with him, after all. And then she grinned, nodding slowly as if giving herself a congratulations. "Cool." Feeling successful in that she hadn't been obvious, it had almost made her overlook Josh's comment and what it meant. "Hey, you may have been scary, but you were my best friend. And you were good to me. Totally my type." Josh was her type because he was Josh. She couldn't imagine being with anyone else, didn't even want to. She was too happy with him. "So that means you really went on a limb, huh?" If he hadn't a clue that she'd actually liked him, he took a risk in their first game of twenty questions. It had actually been very satisfying, however, knowing that he liked her too. Unrequited feelings would have been horrible to deal with.
With Josh's question, she didn't even have to think about it. For a moment, she did, wondering if there was anyone she might have forgotten. But then she confidently told him, "No one. I don't think I had many people to crush on before you." She didn't know many people her age. Or rather, many people. So he was her first crush, along with the many other firsts she had with him. Nell really did not want to think of ending up with someone else, though she wondered how it would have been had he not taken the chance. The answer to that was actually simple. "To tell you the truth, I bet I would have made a move if you hadn't. Well, after figuring out what a move was." Would she have had the confidence? Nell supposed that she would, eventually, though it amused her to think of what she might have done to show him that she was interested. She had never been shy, only confused about what a relationship meant. It took a bit of research to grasp that.
Her turn, and she thought on it for a moment, going over their relationship, good times and bad times. Then something that she had never actually really considered came to mind. "So what did you even do when we weren't fornicating in the beginning of our relationship? I mean, you must have been some kind of saint." Or a priest, at least. She couldn't imagine going back to a time when she wasn't in an intimate relationship with Josh. It was definitely not appealing to her. Even being in that mindset was an alien experience.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Feb 1, 2013 5:44:46 GMT -5
It's like talking to a wall. He did sigh this time, unable to help himself. "That's not what I meant." He wished that he was more equipped to explaining himself in these kinds of situations, getting through to her. He'd never been particularly adept at empathising with people and it bothered him when it came to his wife. "It's more like... that you can keep your head up when you're dealing with all of that. I don't know if I could." He dealt with his fear of failure by studying hard to keep his grades in check. His other fears did not really concern self-image. How did it feel? How did someone cope with hating themselves, or at least disliking large parts of their personality? I don't like my temper... It still felt different. It was not the same as Nell's issue. "You should look on the bright side of things, too. You're friendly, you're genuine, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You're clever, you don't whine, I think you're funny, you're absolutely beautiful... shall I go on? I could compile a list if I had to." She could turn it around and say that he was biased but he knew that other people would see the same qualities as well. He only hoped that they didn't go too overboard about the beauty thing because, well, jealousy issues.
To Joshua, Nell glaring felt like a mouse staring down a Great Dane. It didn't intimidate him but then again, he knew she was joking. He certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of her real anger. She'd hauled off and tried to punch Bryce before, she had a limit. "I do it out of love." She seemed pleased with his response and he was glad that there was no awkwardness between them when it came to more intimate conversations. Even when those conversations included Josh revealing a rather suggestive detail about their past.
Thinking back, he tried to remember their awkward beginnings and how Nell had behaved around him. Had there been any signs that he'd missed? He could not remember her ever flirting with him or hinting at some kind of attraction. The Fire liked to think he was fairly decent at picking up cues but perhaps Nell's naivety had held them both back from figuring things out a little earlier. "You might as well have been as see through as a brick wall. Or maybe I was just oblivious." He chuckled, mostly joking. "A hot girl that's into me? I certainly hope I didn't miss any obvious signs." Shallow as he was, Josh would have slept with her on their second encounter if she'd shown any interest. The further into their friendship they delved, the less likely a random hookup had become. He tried to keep love out of friendships. It ruined things, especially if one person got too attached.
Something she said flattered him, a distraction from his current thoughts. "I was your best friend?" It occurred to him then that they really hadn't talked much about those weird, pre-relationship days. There was so much to take him by surprise. "I mean, you're the best friend I've ever had, but I guess I figured..." He trailed off, unable to put his feelings into words. All right, so he did doubt himself sometimes. I guess I figured you had better people around. He hadn't seen himself as a very good influence back in those days but he could accept it now as they reminisced. "I certainly tried to be." He'd gotten her the kitten when she was upset, he'd comforted her when she was down, he'd disposed of a few phones and accepted the news about her mother in stride. A smile tugged at his lips. "I guess I did. I figure if you'd said no I'd have played it off like it wasn't a big deal." Would it have been a big deal? It was hard to get into the mindset of who he'd been back then. A lot had changed. Rejection hurt but he thought he might have been able to blow it off. His real attachment to Nell had come later, once they were already involved with one another. That was when he'd fell hard.
Was it wrong to feel satisfied? Joshua knew that he could not have held any past crushes against his wife but there was still a feeling in his gut that was something akin to relief. Though he trusted her, the knowledge that there was some other man that could have came first would have given him a lot to think about. It was not something a jealous person should have asked but the Fire graduate had been unable to help himself. At least the answer pleased him. "That's right, I'd met you pretty soon after you came to Canada, didn't I?" He knew about her past but sometimes it slipped his mind how new she'd been to the country during their uncomfortable first encounter. The question was rhetorical and so he quickly moved on. "You liked me that much, huh? Damn." He sounded impressed. Not that his ego needed any more stroking but it felt good to know that she'd been attracted enough to think about asking him out if he hadn't done the honours. "And see, I'm sure I'd have caught right on. There wouldn't be any confusion if you'd asked me." And he was right back to teasing her again. He really did do it out of love, though, because her naivete had been endearing to him back then. Still was.
He laughed at first, amused by her choice of words. Once upon a time the question would have made him turn red and get flustered, unprepared to answer a question of such nature in Nell's presence. He'd been blasé about his romantic past in their early relationship but the discussion of their intimacy had never been brought up. Now it barely phased him, though it did take him back. "Hey, don't think it was easy!" He chuckled. He wondered how he'd suffered through it himself sometimes. He was a human being, he had needs, but he'd endured for her sake. "Do you remember our discussion about the hydro bill? All those extra showers I was taking? I'm not some closet germaphobe. They were very cold and very unpleasant." It wasn't a huge leap to figure out what he was getting at and he was sure that Nell would understand. "Do you have any idea how suggestive you can be? God, woman, you were very nearly the death of me!" He could laugh about it now but there had been no laughter back then. "Your neighbours had more luck than I did. I had to put up with that every night." Bitter jealousy and angst were abound when he could hear noises coming from the apartment next door.
It was his turn to ask something and as she had his thoughts on a very specific track, the next train did not stray far. "What was it like for you? I mean like... did you ever think about that kind of stuff? I know we certainly never brought it up, but..." How had she felt if she'd seen couples romancing on the television, heard her friends talking about their boyfriends, sat a little close to him on the couch? He was honestly curious.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Feb 1, 2013 7:09:39 GMT -5
She felt bad when he sighed, like he was growing impatient with a child. Nell stayed quiet as he explained himself and what he meant, and of course she defended him right off. "I believe you could do it. I guess...I don't have the bad things in my life anymore." She had Jane, but it was clear what she implied even though she couldn't say it straightforward. It felt impossible to ever explicitly state those bad things. "I'm much better now than I ever was." Healthier in every single way, and now she had a husband and she had a good life and those were things she could look to for comfort. However, she didn't think she was ready to look into herself. She never did. The sheer amount of emotion that crashed into her chest when he spoke stalled her for a long moment, her face blank as if she were just caught in a car's headlights. "N-no, you don't need to compile a list," she said slowly, drawn out. He'd given enough of a list already, caught her off-guard. Every word, she turned around in her head, trying to uncover the truths in them, and tucked them away for later reminders when she needed them. "Thank you..." she said, and her voice was purely genuine even though she had this worried expression on her face because she was still in the midst of taking in what he just said.
A brick wall, she liked that. Of course, she had a feeling that a few times there may have been a stray blush or awkwardness on her part when it came to being near her or if he said something to her that she particularly enjoyed. "I guess you feel oblivious when you have feelings like that," she mused. Like suddenly the person you wanted to be with had mind-reading powers and could see everything you were thinking. It was an unnerving thought. And she had to say, 'hot girl' had a nice ring to it. It made her grin like an idiot, as a matter of fact.
It surprised Nell that her word took him by surprise. She thought he knew how much she cared about him. Sometimes she thought about the fact that he knew her past all along, and she still couldn't comprehend that he kept it to himself. He didn't leave. He didn't act strange. He'd been there for her through everything. She wrapped her arm around the front of his stomach in a sort of half-hug. "No one ever treated me as well as you did before. It was overwhelming, actually." Especially since she had been a girl who hadn't believed she even deserved good treatment at that time. She'd definitely come a long way, but all the things he did for her, even little words and acknowledgments had meant a lot to her. And she'd had fun wit him, she felt safe with him. "You did phrase it as more of a hypothetical. Could have shrugged it off like you were just pretending." She laughed. "I can't even imagine not being with you, though." Though she did not believe in fate, she had to believe there was a reason some things worked out the way they did.
She made a soft hum of approval in her throat when he said that they met soon after she'd "moved" to Canada. Or ran, either way he'd been quite the...interesting introduction to the country. Arm still around him, she gave him a gentle squeeze when she said, "Oh yes, I liked you lots." Enough to say yes to the question he'd posed, the one that she had faltered over once she understood what he'd been asking. Back then she hadn't known everything that went into a relationship, but she was glad that she said yes, she would go out with him. And she did. She drew her arm back to hit him lightly when he said that he would have understood her asking him out. "You could have been more specific, mister. You could have said, 'Would you like to be my girlfriend so I can kiss you and buy you food?' I blame you for my misunderstanding." Of course, the whole buying food thing had come with time. Even she had pride, but that was only when it came to money issues.
Nell cocked her head a bit when he laughed, figuring that it was at the f word she chose to use in the place of another one. "You jacked up the water bill because you were horny?!" This exclamation gave way to laughter, though she managed to stop when she realized it felt like she was laughing at him and his...cold showers. That's why he did that? She really had been too naive for her own good. "Clearly I did not know," she told him when he pointed out how suggestive she'd been. Nell tried to remember a specific time, but it had been so long ago. Poor Josh, though. "Hey, I know it's a little late, but I'm for almost killing you." It was all she could do not to start laughing again -- the realization had really taken its toll on her, she supposed -- but when he spoke of their neighbors, she did let out a snort. Thank god for thin walls. "Now you're making me feel bad," she told him, and poked him in the side when she said, "I would have helped you out if you'd told me." She honestly had no clue what was going on, and of course she had her naivete to blame for that. It bothered her a little that he suffered so much because of the abstinence. She had never been intentionally holding out on him.
The blush returned to her face in full force at his question and she buried her face in his side for a moment, giggling. She was both immature and embarrassed, and it was hard to juggle them both at the same time. Once she recovered she realized how awkward she felt answering his question. She took a moment to gather words that she stammered out, anyway. "Y-yeah, I mean...I did." And there she was, like a schoolgirl again flustered by the idea of doing it. The fact that they were talking about her past feelings, though...that was much more embarrassing. "But I didn't know what to do about it! I couldn't imagine just randomly hitting on you, I thought it'd be weird." In her mind, hitting on him would only make him give her a strange look or ask her what she was doing. She clearly hadn't known about what was going on in his head then. Plus, she didn't exactly know what she could have done. She supposed "let's fuck," might have done it. Or rather, fornicate.
The next question she had on her mind almost made her uncomfortable to ask. And maybe it was because she was a masochist. "Did my naivete about...well, everything...ever bother you?" And not just about sex, though that had definitely been a major part of it. But he knew even before asking her out that she didn't know a lot of things that normal people should. She didn't even know what he'd inferred by 'asking out'. It still happened even now.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Feb 1, 2013 8:30:21 GMT -5
Those words were reassuring and brought a soft smile to his lips. He remembered the war, the trial, the depression, her father's abandonment. He remembered those bad things. He also recalled the things she'd told him about an even darker time in her life. She didn't have that any more. She was right. Things had gotten better for the both of them in all the time they'd spent together and though there were still troubles, Nell wasn't alone any more. "If you're happy then I'm happy, Nell." He was sure she hadn't forgotten how he'd stuck by her throughout everything. He'd encouraged her to eat when the depression had her feeling low and he'd proposed to her when she'd been worried that he would not always be in her life. He tried his best to support her through everything. To know that she was at a good point in her life put him at ease. His work was not done, he wanted her to love herself as much as he did, but small steps were better than none.
There was a flutter of anxiety in his chest as her expression seemed to go flat. It was not a sensation he was used to dealing with and he didn't like the way it forced a lump into his throat. Did I say something wrong? She looked concerned and he could not think of why. He knew that she was self-conscious but surely he hadn't been out of place with any of the compliments? She was his wife, he always went out of his way to tell her how he felt. It was not until she spoke, a tiny stammer in her tone, that he realised she was in shock and the knots that had tightened his stomach released their hold. His only response was a quiet smile. One day.
Shifting position so that they were both more comfortable, Josh nuzzled her neck affectionately when she hugged him. The rush of affection was as strong as the anxiety had been but much more positive, the feeling in his stomach welcomed instead of abhorred. "Well... ditto," he admitted, cracking an almost melancholy half-smile. To think that they were the best things that had happened to one another was touching and a little sad. Neither of them had particularly good experiences with people before their relationship had bloomed. "I mean, that day you sat with me at lunch... we barely knew one another. You had other friends you could have sat with. And yet you chose to stick with me. I don't think I ever told you how much that meant." It seemed like today was the day that they tossed their hearts out into the open for judgement. He wasn't usually a sappy sort of guy but Nell deserved to know how deeply she'd affected him. "I'd never really met anyone so... nice. To me, anyway." Well, there had been Devin but they'd met in childhood and Joshua hadn't been as jaded then. He'd never thought about it and besides, they couldn't hang out at school. Nell was the first person to ever make an impact like she had.
He shook his head. "Neither could I. You're the first and last girl I ever fell in love with. I don't want that to change." He'd found girls attractive, he'd slept with plenty of them, but he'd never viewed them as datable because he didn't date. Not until Nell came along. Not until a Ms. Nell Shepherd wormed her way past his defences to eventually become Mrs. Nell Dale.
One hand played gently with her hair, twisting it around his finger as they spoke. It was soft, as was the laugh he emitted when she scolded him. "Oh, but that wouldn't have been nearly as subtle. I wanted a good recovery. It had to be casual." He'd honestly thought that she might turn him down. Confident, brazen Josh had decided to dip his toe into the water instead of jumping in with both feet in case the splash wasn't something that he could handle. He didn't wish for a do-over so that he could be more suave and suggestive because he'd achieved the desired results in the end. She'd become his girlfriend and now she was his wife. He wanted for nothing more.
He grinned and ducked his head at her response. He didn't blush like she did but the fact that he was slightly flustered became evident as he retracted his hand from her hair and rubbed at the side of his neck. "Well when you put it like that..." It did sound rather bad, didn't it? He wasn't ashamed but he'd never expected to talk about it like this. Hell, he'd never expected to talk about it at all. It was his own fault for calling attention to it earlier in conversation. "It was either that or come up for an explanation as to why I was hugging your couch cushion and refusing to look at you. It seemed like the less weird of the two!" Deceptive as he could be, there were certain things that were hard to hide from a person sitting next to you on the couch. Not wanting her to ask about the awkward elephant in the room, he'd chose to flee. "You didn't know. I certainly wasn't gonna tell you. Can you imagine that conversation? Forgive me, Nell, but you're making me feel quite bothered. In the middle of a conversation! It's not like this happened at the appropriate times!" Well, sometimes it did, like when she'd danced against him at prom or when she'd been all but on top of him at that party. Then he considered it acceptable. Other times it was just highly inconvenient. His brows arched as he cringed instinctively away from the poke. "Helped me out, huh?" He smirked. Did she ever regret his lack of shame in the present day when he made comments about everything?
He couldn't keep the grin off his face as she burrowed hers into his side, having caught the red in her cheeks before she hid her expression from him. "You thought it would be weird?" He made a noise of mock frustration in his throat and swatted her arm softly. "Nell, god damn it! I would have been all over that!" All over her, more like. Though he pretended to be upset, in reality the past was past and he didn't mind so much now that things had unfolded the way they did. They were already deep into their emotional connection by the time he'd finally made a move and he didn't regret it. A little more seriously, he said, "I mostly held off because... well, you already had so much to deal with, I didn't want to add my hormones to your plate." It was hard to get in the mood when you thought you were going to jail or, post-trial, when you were depressed. He'd thought he was doing her a favour by holding off until she was more emotionally stable. "And, well, there was one time you did kinda get us both going but you were drunk and I just... that didn't feel like a good time." If she'd been some random girl, fine. But Nell? No. He'd wanted to make sure that he didn't lead them down a path they'd both regret.
She seemed to hesitate slightly as she asked the question and so Josh was quick to shoot her a reassuring smile and shake his head. "No, not at all! I thought it was cute, actually. Endearing." All right, so maybe he wanted an explanation that made it sound less like he was talking about a small child. He did find almost everything about her adorable but he also didn't want her to feel juvenile. "It never bothered me. It's not like you were stupid, after all, there were just some things you hadn't learned yet. No one knows everything." He was a curious person himself, always thirsting to learn new things. He'd actually liked that he could give Nell a few of her first experiences, like roller blading, concerts, a buffet, a vacation. "And you were my first real girlfriend, so it was new for the both of us in that aspect." Not the sex but to Josh, sex hadn't meant much beyond staving off his raging teenage hormones. Not until he'd had a girlfriend. Not until he'd fell in love. It really did change things.
Sliding his fingers into hers, he rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand as he thought. Her hand was small against his like everything else about her and this made his lip twitch. Coming up with something, his gray gaze lit up. "Ah, I've got one. Barring our wedding—unless that's not your favourite, though it's certainly mine—what were the best and worst days in our relationship to you?" He was very interested to know the answer, especially the latter. Not every day had been happy and sunny and so he wanted to know what topped her list for both good and bad.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Feb 2, 2013 2:35:16 GMT -5
Nell laughed a little when he nuzzled her neck, happy with the affection. She just liked being right there, close to him, even if they were just talking. Or played a game of twenty questions. Something in her chest felt as if it constricted when he told her it had been the same thing. It meant a lot to her that she had the impact on him that he did her. His next statement surprised her, an anecdote of the time she decided to sit with him at lunch after their first practice. It had been something so simple for her, no thought had gone into that. "No, you didn't," she told him when he said he didn't think he'd ever made her aware of that little fact. It was funny, how a little act like that stuck with him when she hadn't even remembered it until Josh brought it up. "Well I'm glad I did it." She smiled at him. She could have sat with her friends, he was right, but by that time she thought of him as her friend, as untrue as it may have been for him. They hadn't even become friends until months after they met.
The most touching was when Josh said that she'd been the first and last person he fell in love with. His words meant a lot to her, even though she had known it already. Having it come from him, though, it made her all warm and fuzzy. Like when he played with her hair, possibly one of her favorite feelings in the world. She snuggled closer to him, smiling as she listened to him say that he needed to be able to brush his asking out off if she'd turned him down. "Oh yeah, you totally needed to play it cool," she teased. And they had. After that, he'd left and she'd been left to come to terms with the fact that she had a boyfriend. It was odd, to say the least.
It was funny how things that she had long since forgotten could be suddenly remembered and twisted to a whole new meaning. This game was a learning experience. What was also funny was Josh's next words about hugging a couch cushion, and she tried really hard not to laugh and succeeded save for her shoulders lifting up and the fact that she pressed a fist against her mouth. A second later, she told him, "It was definitely less suspicious. Still random. I just thought you uh...you liked showers." It had been the first time living with him, and she had had to learn about his domestic quirks. Like showering. With his next words, however, she had marginally less success in holding back her laughter. As a matter of fact, by the time he finished, she was cracking up. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said, wiping the side of her eye. "I can see...why you didn't tell me. It must have been terrible for you! But at least you were very clean." She shrugged her shoulders, still grinning like a fool. It really was mean, but they could laugh over stuff like this because it had happened so long ago. She liked having history she could joke about. "Yes, helped," she said, as it was exactly what she made it sound. She really did feel bad that he'd suffered because of her, no matter how unaware of it she'd been in the first place.
After the initial embarrassment of admitting that she didn't know what to do about wanting to bang him back then, laughing when he swatted at her. She covered her face with her hands before dropping them and saying, "I'm sorry, but I thought the response would be...hey, why are you taking my clothes off?" She dropped her voice to the best Josh impression she could do. And now that she said it out loud, it sounded sillier than it had in her head. Yeah, there would have been no mistake. Then he told her something she actually hadn't been aware of. Blinking, she turned her head slightly and said, "Really? I didn't know that. Thanks, you're a real upstanding guy." He'd been holding off because of her problems? There was something sweet about that, really sweet as a matter of fact. And a little sad, though he knew getting into a relationship with her that she had a lot of baggage. More baggage came along with a relationship, really. She understood now why it was better that he never told her about those showers. And now that it all added up in her head, she couldn't help but develop a new respect for Josh and how patient he'd been for her sake. "I still don't really remember that," she said, scrunching her nose a little. She could figure the incident he was talking about, which made her glad that it hadn't gone further than it had. It also made her appreciate Josh's admission even more, the fact that he'd had a chance after so long and he didn't take it.
Brightening considerably, her stomach tightened when he said that no, it hadn't bothered him that she didn't have that much world experience. She didn't think it made her sound like a child, his words always made her feel much better. He was good at reassuring her. The way he defended her and her naivete made her smile. "I don't know, I guess I always thought you might prefer it if I knew more about the world." She scratched the back of her head, looking a bit timid. It had definitely been intimidating for her being with him. He was right, she'd never been stupid, she just never had opportunities to learn. So it definitely was a weight off her chest when she realized that her husband had never minded that. A weight that she hadn't known was there; it was more like a ghost of a weight. "Oh yes, those good old days of research. I did a lot of that." Even then, there had been a lot that she just didn't know when it came to dating. But she'd just been glad that Josh had been in the same boat. They'd always been understanding of one another because of that.
When he mentioned their wedding and how it had been his favorite, she focused it on so much she had to take a moment to remember what the question had been. They'd had plenty of ups and downs. that was for sure. One particular down stuck out, but she didn't know if she was ready to say it out loud, it being so recent and still frightening. She decided to start with the bad, saying, "Wow, probably when I accused of cheating. I'm pretty sure that was the last time we ever fought and that was how long ago?" Nell actually laughed, because it had been so stupid of her. However, it had also been a learning experience for her when it came to relationships and not jumping to conclusion. It had definitely been the worst since they literally did yell at each other. On to the best, a much better thought. "I guess your proposal is right out, then?" she joked when she got to the best, referring to his comment about the wedding because it had indeed been her best memory with him. "Uhm, might have been when we slept together for the first time." She'd never told him how special that was to her, huh? Nell thought it would be stupid of her to feel that way. She looked down at the hand intertwined wit his and smiled. "O-or, remember when we went camping? That was really fun. We should do it again sometime." They hadn't been camping in a while, and it didn't seem likely that they could go any time soon. Maybe in the summer.
With her next question, she rested her head against his arm, thinking on it a little again. She wanted to have as good a question as him. "Okay. What surprised you most about being in a relationship? You know, when we were just starting out." Since neither of them had a committed relationship before they started going out, she wondered what he may have learned when being in one with her.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Feb 5, 2013 5:29:29 GMT -5
It was not often that he opened up about his feelings but his wife always made him feel safe in doing so. She never judged him or held it against him and so his smile was easy and his gaze soft. "I'm glad, too." Who knew where they'd be if she hadn't extended that simple act of friendship? He didn't see fit to dwell on the 'what ifs' for too long, however, as they had got here in the end and he was perfectly content. As he played with her hair and twisted the soft strands around his finger, Joshua thought back to conversation they'd had about her hair colour, about whether he preferred blondes. Sitting with her now as she snuggled against his chest, the Fire graduate could not think of anything that could be done to improve her. No human being was perfect but she came close in his eyes and so he kept up the smile, silently grateful that she hadn't turned him down all those years ago.
He was much less bashful than his wife when it came to matters of a sexual nature and so he merely settled for looking amused as she held back laughter. It was pretty funny, wasn't it? Looking back he could see the humour in the situation, though it certainly hadn't been funny to him at the time. "No human being should take more than two showers in a day." One in the morning was his usual, another at night if he had a long day with lots of exertion. In living with Nell he'd taken spontaneous trips to the bathroom in the middle of conversation while thinking of the least attractive things his mind could muster. Huffing, Josh crossed his arms and fixed his wife with a stern gaze. "Now who's being mean?" Not shy in the least, the Fire was only poking fun at her for her earlier comment. It was easy to laugh and joke about the situation now because instead of a cold shower, he could ask for Nell's... help, as she put it. "Very clean and very, very frustrated," he joked. "Eh, I don't mind too much. We've had plenty of time to make up for it." He smirked at the thought. Their honeymoon had been an especially good time for that. No jobs to worry about, no homework to complete, just the two of them in Paris.
An emphasised sigh pushed its way past his lips as he cocked his head and stared at her. "Really?!" He threw his hands up with a frustrated expression. They could have broke the awkward ice so much sooner if Nell had been a little less shy! That was all in the past now, along with the depression that had plagued her for months and caused him to hold back. Sex aside, did she know of the other ways that her sadness had affected him? To see the woman he loved eating less, sleeping more and forcing a smile for his sake had been a crushing experience. It was one that he did not share with her as he had the other memories of past, for he did not wish to induce any sort of guilt. He remembered it well and in his own subconscious it would stay. "Exactly." She didn't remember what they'd almost done that night and so he wouldn't have wanted to go all the way through with it if she would have no memories. "I remember most of it. Anything you want to know?" There was a pained kind of amusement on his face as he admitted, "You were all over me, I almost couldn't say no." He remembered the sexual frustration and guilt that had consumed him for the rest of the night, a battle with himself as he questioned his decision to abstain. He didn't regret it now but he remembered regretting it back then with the feelings even a frigid spray of water couldn't erase.
Joshua locked a serious gray gaze with hers. He wanted her to listen to his words and really hear what he was saying. "You're unlike anyone I've ever met," he told her, "and I love that about you." In his eyes, she was unique. Special. She would always be special. He slid an arm around her neck in a hug and leaned his head against hers for a long moment, breathing deep. He didn't want her to feel shy or uncertain about anything. "You're a fast learner. I love that, too." She'd adapted to the outside world with a stubborn determination that her husband admired. There were a lot of things that he admired about her. He didn't look up to a lot of people but Nell was the girl whose opinions he cared about the most. Such was love.
He'd always been good at shutting out his problems and so the worst of the bad memories did not cross his mind as he waited patiently for her reply. Most of the negative memories could be looked back upon without pain now, as he'd long since moved on. "Years... wow, time sure flies, doesn't it?" He could still recall with clarity the days they'd spent studying and exchanging awkward pleasantries and glances. He could remember the fight, too, and the anger that had laced her accusing tone. He never wanted to go through anything like that again and thankfully they hadn't needed to. They coexisted so peacefully in their relationship. They'd had some tense moments after the recent attack but he did not consider them fights. "I feel like those are givens," he chuckled in agreement. Her true answer surprised him, however, probably because he'd never known what a special night that had been for her. It had been important to him as well and somehow it made him feel good to know the experience was shared. "Really?" He was touched and might have said more if she hadn't quickly moved on from the subject, staring down at their interlocked hands. He gave hers a squeeze and his lip twitched. "Yeah, we should. Maybe once spring rolls around..." He wouldn't tease her about it this time. He appreciated that it was special to her.
They had always been good at making each other think, and think he did as he frowned and tried to walk in the shoes of his old self. There had been a lot of surprises, he recalled, but which one was the most prominent, which stuck out the most in his mind? It was only after a long pause that he came up with an answer. "I think it was... well, how much it mattered, really." Realising that this might not make sense, he explained, "I mean I was pretty much a hit it and quit it kind of guy." He didn't like reminding his wife of this. All of the conquests that he'd had before settling down were distant memories but that didn't mean he liked to bring them up to his partner. That wasn't the end of his point, however. "Then suddenly I got into a relationship and everything's different. I was all right without the sex—I-I mean I wasn't all right, exactly," he stammered, feeling an unexpected rush of warmth in his cheeks as he fumbled to correct himself and immediately regretted it, "I just—" He stopped short and rubbed the back of his neck, wanting to collect his thoughts. It was not easy to fluster him but Nell had managed. "I loved you, so I ignored it, and I'd never felt anything like that before. For anyone. And... I mean... I'm still sorry about Brittney." He licked his lips and swallowed at the admission, which had just slipped out. In terms of the worst memories as a couple, it topped his list. He didn't like to think about the night he'd considered being unfaithful.
There was something he'd always wondered about but never asked for fear of an answer he wouldn't appreciate. Now, though, Josh trusted the stability of their relationship and knew that they'd be together for a long time. "Was there ever a time—aside from the obvious—that you worried it wasn't going to work out?" They were two very different people with different views on the world, clashing personalities, issues and baggage on either side. Nell was also very self-conscious. Had she ever held concerns inside that he'd never become aware of? He knew about the pre-engagement feelings and there were obvious incidents like the trial but this was a much more personal inquiry. "I won't hold anything against you, I promise." He closed his hand into a fist but held out his pinky with a soft smile. That's how you make promises, right?
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Feb 5, 2013 9:13:08 GMT -5
Nell was thankful for the fact that her husband had a good sense of humor, something she hadn't realized until a few months into knowing him. And she hadn't even gotten the worst of it until a while later. She didn't actually connect that to what he'd told her just now, how he had held out for her in a lot of ways. He told her that no one should take more than two showers a day and she had to agree. "You know, that's bad for your hair," she stated it as a fact in lieu of teasing him. Because she was a nice person and she could resist doing that. "I'm really...trying hard not to," she said, laughter disrupting the flow of her words a few times. Then she looked at him with a very accusing look, "Heeey, I'm nicer than you...meanieface." He was the one teasing her all the time! Not like she would be telling him that she actually liked it. She started to laugh again when he said that he'd been very clean and very frustrated. She rubbed his arm as if in consolation of the past. "No more cold showers. But there can be showers." While she did feel bad that she had let Josh suffer for so long because he had been so good at hiding things, she was happy that they had the relationship they did now. She supposed things happened for a reason.
Trying her best to keep a straight face as he through up his hands with a sigh, she nodded her head solemnly. "Really," she said, a grave tone in her voice. So she teased him too, it was only fair. When they spoke of the party that they'd gone to after she'd gotten fired, when she had been down enough to go past her limits in terms of drinking, after speaking of what he'd gone through to wait for her, it meant a lot to her that he hadn't done anything that night when she wouldn't have done anything. Especially since she couldn't really have given consent. Date rape wouldn't have been a very good memory for a couple, and it wouldn't have been been a very good memory for her first time. Or lack of memory for her first time. Nell snorted at his words. "I would ask if I did anything to embarrass myself, but I have a feeling I don't want to know." Drunk people really weren't the best in terms of...anything. Unless it came to selective skills. Like baking. He told her that he almost couldn't say now and it both made her proud that he'd wanted her, and also happy that despite that he stopped it. "But you did, and I'm glad," she told him, placing a hand against his chest as she smiled at him. Not being able to resist a joke, she said, "Especially because I really did almost kill you." Of course she had to get drunk and affectionate and try to sleep with him when he was doing his best not to do that. He did have amazing willpower. She wouldn't have been able to resist where the situations switched, but he hadn't been the virgin.
Josh had this special talent of making her heart palpitate at any given time. She searched his eyes when she looked at him, the usual response whenever he said or did something that took a while to process. Knowing that someone she loved and put a lot of faith into, someone she looked to like a north star, hearing that he thought she was special, that she was unique made her entire core shake. Left speechless for a moment, she closed her eyes when he rested his head against hers. Her gut twisted happily as she gripped his arm with both hands and listened to what he said next. "I love you so much, Josh," she told him, knowing that words weren't the best way to convey her feelings but wanting to remind him of that. She did. And he'd reminded her when he said that he loved the things she couldn't love about herself.
It was strange to think that she'd met him three years ago, she had to agree with him there. In many ways it felt like both a short and a long time. "Sometimes it does. But then thinking about it, it feels like I've known you much longer." It felt like she'd known him forever. They'd been through the worst together, and he had been with her the entire time. She was glad that it had all been a misunderstanding back then when she fought with him about "cheating". She knew she reacted that way because Josh's betrayal would have been the worst she ever experienced. And despite that they'd come so far, and that she felt like she'd known him for her entire life, she still got shy about admitting something like that to him. She just felt that maybe he wouldn't feel the same, considering it wasn't his first time. She thought that maybe there was a difference. Smiling when he squeezed her hand, she looked up at him with a smile, "Then we'll do it! Consider it a date for the future." A camping date was a very strange sort of date, but they were a very strange sort of couple.
Nell was very interest to hear Josh's answer to her question because she didn't have a clue about the answer. At the point she realized how astounding it was that they hadn't talked about this stuff before. Josh said that the most surprising thing was how much it mattered, reminding her of his old ways. She'd known what he'd been like before agreeing to go out with him, and that had worried her only some. Not enough to make her say no. She didn't interrupt him to make comment on that, however. Instead, she let him go on, surprised to see him getting flustered. It was adorable. And there was something adorable about the way that he stammered through his words, telling her how he'd loved her and how he'd never felt that way before. She was about to tell him that she understood (in some ways) when he mentioned a name that she had to take a second of thought in order to remember. "I forgot about that!" she said with a laugh. "You still think about it?" she asked him, strangely touched by it. She'd forgiven him right away after that had happened, just glad that he hadn't betrayed her. She leaned up a little to give him a peck on the cheek. "But you didn't go with her. And you didn't go with anyone else." She didn't even ask, because she knew. Because she trusted him. Just like she knew he trusted her. Back then, when the foundations were still being built, things had been wobbly, but they'd made it through. "Even though you could have, you didn't. You stayed with me." The fact that he'd remained faithful to her meant a lot. And he knew why. She didn't have a great track record with people. "Even though we barely had a clue what were doing, we turned out pretty well." They'd gotten married and they were happy and they didn't have to worry about fumbling their way through a relationship they didn't understand.
His next question made her hesitate. For once, she didn't even know if she wanted to answer. What if it made Josh feel bad? But he held out his pinky finger and her lips twitched into smile as she hooked her own with his with the thought, So he doesn't think I'm childish. And he wouldn't be mad at her. She hoped. "Uhm..." she said after breaking it. "I don't want to, but sometimes I worry. It's always fleeting. Like sometimes I think about how different we are and if we might grow apart. And I think about how one day you might get fed up with me. Or something. It's stupid stuff like that..." She trailed off, not wanting to admit to these things. "But I don't doubt you, not ever." Just herself. Even when the thought of leaving him had been in her mind before he proposed, she'd been doubting herself and her ability to hold a relationship. "But then you make me dinner, or you tell me you love me, and I remember that I don't have to worry." She'd been looking down while speaking, ashamed that she had let on that she did sometimes have these thoughts, but smiled up at him when she said that.
With her question, she thought again back before they'd been dating. Again, Nell thought of how strange that was, thinking of how they had been back then, when her now husband was still a stranger to her. "Hmm...When did you actually start to trust me?" she asked him. He'd told her before when he'd fallen in love with her, but she wondered if he remembered when he actually trusted her. He had never been a very trusting guy, after all.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Feb 5, 2013 13:16:30 GMT -5
He pursed his lips in a frown. "Are you trying to tell me that there's something wrong with my hair?" He ran his fingers through it. It was just the length he liked it after a recent trim, no longer getting in his eyes or causing problems. I need to wash it tonight. He would be grabbing a shower later on and so Nell's words brought a smirk to his lips. "I do need one of those, as a matter of fact." A hot shower this time, perhaps in more ways than one. The thought amused him.
It took a moment to bring everything back that he could remember from that night. The details had long since faded but there were certain things he could remember with clarity, such as the guy who'd made a move on her and the virginity that had very nearly been lost. Whoops. There was guilt associated with the memory. "Well you were acting really drunk and silly and you nearly let some guy get a move in on you but you already knew that." He made a face at the thought. Glad I was there to stop it. The guy with his hands slipping past her waistband had him seeing red at the time and while he regretted things about that party, the punch he'd delivered to the offender was not one of them. No one took advantage of his girl. Well... except Joshua himself, almost. With how little she remembered of that night he knew he could probably get away with letting her think that it was all her fault but his conscience would not allow such an escape. He felt he had to own up to things. "I didn't do much to help myself. I mean... I kind of encouraged you quite a bit. I... wanted it, and you seemed to want it, and..." He trailed off, worrying at his lip. As a man that did not often experience or own up to guilt, situations like this were difficult for him. He had been vague when telling his then-girlfriend that they'd avoided sleeping together but as she was his wife now, he felt the need to be honest with her and that was frightening. An alien experience to him. He smiled at her and it wavered briefly before he said, "I regretted it at the time but I don't now. I'm glad I stopped myself." Would she have forgiven him if he'd taken her virginity without true, sober consent? Did he even want to know?
Knowing that he could have such a positive impact on Nell made him happier than anything else in the world. Her words brought a bright smile to his lips and he held her close as she gripped his arm. "I know," he said softly. There was a certain emotion in his voice, an affection more powerful than the words themselves. Sometimes words really weren't enough to convey feelings. Actions didn't always sufficient, either. He could never truly express how he felt and so he trusted her to understand just as he did in return. Love was a powerful, unexplainable thing. "I love you, too." He said it a lot but in his mind he couldn't say it enough. She deserved to hear it every day for the rest of her life and he was determined to be around to make that happen.
He'd never really thought about it before but in considering it now, Nell was right. Was there ever a time he'd spent without her? He had memories of those days and certainly acknowledged their existence but it felt like she'd always been there at his side. The days of sleeping around felt more like experiences in the life of another. His life was with Nell now and there it would stay. "Three years is a long time... but you're right, it feels like a lot more than that." He contemplated it for a moment longer. "You know, this is why I don't care what people think about you. About us." He thought not only of the Fires and how they'd cast him out but of all the friends and even strangers who had questioned their decision to marry so young. "It feels like I've known you forever and that's enough for me. I'll be around for the rest of forever, so what does it matter when we do certain things?" He did not speak of plans or desires to stick around for the rest of her life but instead spoke with certainty. He didn't like to bring the shady 'what ifs' into their relationship. As far as he was concerned, they'd be married until death came between them. That's what the vows said, right? He smiled. "I mean, we could have waited for another couple of years to get married, but what's the point? I like being married. I like having the ring. And I like telling people about my beautiful wife." He poked her nose playfully.
That night in the bar with Brittney was permanently imprinted in his mind. No amount of wishful thinking would allow him to forget the moment in which he'd almost betrayed the woman who would one day become his wife. She wouldn't have if you'd cheated on her. It weighed so heavily upon his conscience that he was utterly taken aback at her response. "You... what?" He couldn't help himself from uttering the words, shock evident in his widened eyes. He barely registered the fact that she was laughing, so focused on the words. She forgot. How...? In his own mind he had convinced himself that she mulled it over often, thought about it every time a blonde came into their vicinity. As a jealous person, he knew his own thoughts would take such a path. "Well... yeah, I-I mean, I thought..." I thought you did, too. He wasn't sure how to feel other than guilty. "I felt really bad about it." He swallowed again. "Still do." It was an anchor dragging him down but that weight felt lifted as his wife leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. No, I didn't, he agreed silently, unable to speak due to the flips his stomach was doing, the emotions constricting his chest. She hadn't been around a lot of the times that he'd hung out in bars and yet she still trusted him to have stayed faithful. He had, so there was no guilt there—there was only relief as he realised that he had been forgiven by Nell a long time before he'd forgiven himself. He hoped that the expression on his face conveyed how much her words meant to him for he was feeling at a loss for words. In a moment of intense gratitude and passion he kissed her full on the lips and lingered before pulling away with a sigh. "Thank you." Was it enough? Would she understand? He hoped so.
Before she opened her mouth, Joshua wondered if he truly wanted to know what would come out of it. Would he be unhappy with what his question uncovered? No, he thought adamantly. If nothing else, he preferred knowing. Being aware was far better than being in the dark about something. I made a promise and I'm going to keep it, no matter what she says. So he braced himself and listened quietly. It was hard to hear, in some ways. To know that his wife had doubts at all was a concern but he could understand and he could relate. Their differences set them so far apart at times that he would sit and contemplate how they'd gotten things to work at all but it was always fleeting. He was confident in everything that they were. If she doesn't doubt me, then why...? It settled in as he remembered their earlier discussion about her self-esteem. Oh, Nell. He was about to speak before she continued, her words making him smile. "I could never get fed up with you, baby," he assured her, stroking underneath her chin as he lifted it so that he could press his lips to hers slowly, softly. It was not a long kiss but one that was meant to convey feeling. Love, perhaps. "I like that we're different. I'd drive myself nuts." He laughed. No, he certainly wouldn't want to date a genderbent version of himself. "Besides, who else is going to make sure that I don't starve myself? Who can I cuddle with in the winter? Who's going to sit with me and make fun of stupid movies?" Even the simple things about their relationship felt special to him.
Her question was a difficult one to answer. Just as Nell had hesitated to tell him about her doubts, Joshua did not want to admit how long his jealousy had held him back from truly trusting in her. Would she be upset? She was honest with me, so... He held in the urge to sigh in preparation. "It... took a while. It wasn't your fault, I just... it was hard. I'd see all these guys out there that seemed like they could do better than me and I always wondered if you didn't... y'know, want something more than you had." It had been difficult for someone who did not normally doubt himself to deal with the crushing damage to his self-worth. He was an angry person, judgemental and jealous and often violent. He had done things a lot of women wouldn't be okay with. Then there were some of Nell's fellow Earths—around her every day, sweet pacifists who'd never harmed a fly and who would never snap at her or doubt the other men in her life. Wouldn't they be so much better? It was those demons he'd had to cast out and it had taken time. "I think... you know, I really wasn't sure if you'd say yes to me when I proposed to you. I really thought you might leave. So when you accepted and when I put that ring on your finger... then. That's when." He didn't like to admit that it had been almost a year into their relationship when he'd finally backed off but she deserved the answer he'd given.
It was hard to think of things they hadn't discussed. He knew so much about her. They were open and honest with one another, something he loved about the relationship. "How did you feel about my element in the beginning? I mean... did it ever bother you that we were so... different?" Fire and Earth were opposites and enemies. The alliance had dictated that their relationship was wrong and they had a lot of things working to keep them apart. Not only that, but his fire could so easily burn her beautiful creations. It was a highly offensive and dangerous element. He was curious and it was not something they'd ever discussed in detail before.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Feb 6, 2013 6:51:39 GMT -5
Grinning when her husband ran his fingers through his hair, she ruffled it up much like he did earlier to her. "No, I think you have beautiful hair. Very healthy. You just have to let me do it some time, put some bows in." She was just trying to warn him not to wash it too much, as a wife concerned for his hair health. Also so she could put bows in it and make it even more beautiful. She nodded her head at his words. "I'll keep that in mind," she told him. Showers were very nice, after all.
Nell didn't doubt that she had thrown herself at Josh. Any inhibitions keeping her from sleeping with him didn't matter with cheap vodka in her bloodstream. However, what she didn't want to be reminded of was a random stranger making a move on her. "Ew, ew, ew, don't remind me" she said under her breath, dragging her hands down her face. "I do remember you punching him." Though she did not condone violence, she did not mind that one act. Nell definitely didn't like the idea of being taken advantage of. She didn't even think that Josh had taken advantage of her, not really. In fact, she thought she was the one taking advantage of him, even though she had been drunk. "I don't blame you!" she said with a smile. He looked rather uncomfortable in admitting this, and she wanted him to know that she didn't hold it against him that he'd encouraged her drunk come-on. "I know I'm irresistible. And that was about...eight months into our relationship?" Eight months without sex at all. And he'd been used to having sex a lot before, right? Not that she could blame him for wanting to get some, especially since she'd wanted to get some that night as well. She was glad to hear that in the end, he didn't regret waiting. "What made you stop anyway?" she wondered. By the way it sounded, they had gotten pretty hot and heavy. Why did he end up giving up?
She liked sharing these moments with Josh, feeling close to him and hearing him tell her that he loved her. Those words never lost their effect on her, and she kept them in her heart as she listened to him go on about how long they'd been together, how much longer it felt. Nell tilted her head when he said that he didn't care what other people thought because it felt like a long time to them. He was right. To everyone else, she supposed that three years didn't seem long enough to get to know someone. But they hadn't been with the couple, hadn't went through the things they had. She loved hearing that Josh didn't regret marrying so young. Not because she felt that he would, but because him being certain about anything made her feel more certain about it. Especially when he was right. If they were going to be together for the rest of their lives, why did it mater when they decided to make it official? She grinned when he tapped her nose. "You do, huh?" she said, filled with both pride and affection and a few other emotions she couldn't accurately describe. Hearing that he loved wearing the ring, loved being married to her, it filled her stomach with pleasant little butterflies. "And you don't feel tied down? Imprisoned or trapped or any of that?" Marriage meant a big commitment, bigger than just going out and sometimes it blew her mind to realize that she was married to Josh Dale, that after a life of being Nell Fuentes or Nell Shepherd, she was Mrs. Nell Dale. And she'd never been happier.
Josh looked so surprised that she forgot about Brittney that she had to laugh again. It came easy to forgive and forget, especially with Josh. "Yeah, that was uh..." She had to think about that one. Talking about the past meant pulling a lot of dates from her head. "...a long time ago. I'd just started at Blackjack." Nell didn't realize that the incident with Brittney even came up in his mind anymore. She had settled it that night. Of course, that didn't mean she never got jealous. She was aware of competition. Heck, she felt like every girl was competition. And though it had come close, it didn't happen, and she wasn't going to hold it against him when they'd both had a lot to learn about their relationship. Not anymore. They'd figured themselves out, no matter how long a process it had been. She didn't want her husband to think about something that he almost did three years ago. So she was glad when she saw that he had relaxed, even more glad when he kissed her. She still felt the twist in her gut whenever he kissed her, just like she did three years ago, and she didn't think that would ever go away. "'Course," she said when they separated, a soft smile on her face. She had him now, it didn't matter that she had almost lost him in the past. And she was happy that he realized that, too.
Nell sincerely hoped that their pinky swear was serious. That her husband wouldn't be upset with her that she even thought like that. It wasn't that she lacked faith in their relationship, or wanted out of it, it was the opposite. Didn't everyone in love fear losing their other half? However, she knew she didn't have anything to fear when he smiled and told her that he could never get fed up with her. She smiled when he lifted her chin, savoring the taste of his lips, happy for reassurance she really shouldn't need. She still loved hearing it. "Why? You're so interesting," Nell told him, her voice surprisingly sincere as if she couldn't understand why he wouldn't like to be in a relationship with...well, himself. Or someone like himself. Though she definitely had to say, she wouldn't like him being in a relationship with anyone but her. Maybe she was just a little bit selfish. "Aww, that's why I can never leave you! You would be hungry, cold, and would have no knowledge of Manos: The Hands of Faith." She liked to hear that he enjoyed the little things that they did, that he appreciated it. Especially if she felt pushy about feeding him, or if she felt needy for seeking his warmth because winter was just a horrid season.
Nell knew she wouldn't be mad at him or judge him for whatever he told her. They'd both had their issues. And when he told her that it took a while, she accepted it. This was the past, after all, and she liked finding out about how he felt before. Especially when he said that he wondered if she would have wanted something more. "I wondered the same thing, you know. That there might be someone better than me for you." She hadn't wanted to believe that. She cared about him, she wanted to take care of him, and the idea that someone could do that better for him was a heartbreaking one. That she could understand. Though she did find it surprising that it had only been once she'd agreed to marry him that he finally trusted in her. Also surprising that he had picked up on how close she was to leaving him, because of her distance. Of course he would be able to tell, he knew how she behaved regularly. "Back then, I was scared," Nell admitted about the proposal. She supposed he really shouldn't have trusted her then. "Really scared, actually, because I thought that nothing was built to last. So I thought...maybe leaving might be the best option." She frowned, twisting the rings on her finger. She didn't like admitting that to her husband, that she'd ever had the intention to leave. But what she went on to say was the most important part. "But at dinner when I was talking to you and seeing you laugh, I realized that I didn't ever want to leave." Imagining a life without him was painful. She didn't think she'd have left even if he hadn't proposed. "It was hard pretending I wasn't in love with you," she told him, snuggling in closer to him like an apology, pulling her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She hoped that he didn't hold it against her that she had once considered leaving him.
The question of their elements had definitely not been something they talked at length about. She tried to remember exactly how she felt back then, but it was hard with how she felt right now at this moment. "You know, I never actually knew about elementals as a child. My father never talked about it." Maybe he was trying to protect her? She didn't know why he hadn't said anything about it; he was never a big talker, anyway. And so she hadn't been prepped for alliances. Remembering the war and the conflicts she'd had because of them, she wished she had. However, it didn't help form an opinion on Josh. He only scared me because he was a scary guy. She almost smiled when she thought that. "I think you got lucky, Josh, I've always liked fire as an element," she joked, though the sentiment was sincere. She did really like his element, fire was probably the coolest thing to look at and it was a beautiful thing. More seriously, she told him, "I only noticed I started to understand the alliances. And the fact that we weren't supposed to like each other. But I did like you and I didn't care that you were on the uh, 'dark side'. And honestly, I wouldn't want you to be any different. Even an Earth." She lifted her fingers up in air quotations. And then he switched sides for her, told her that he'd support her, and that was when she realized that she may have deeper feelings for him than just a possible friendship
Again, she felt embarrassed. She had dropped the subject of conversation before, for that exact reason; she was shy about it. Wringing her hands together, Nell thought of how to properly phrase this question. "Uhm...so was our first time sleeping together important to you? I mean, it wasn't your first time or anything, I know that, but..." She practically stammered through her question, feeling sort of silly for naming her first time as her favorite memory with him. Especially since she didn't know if it was supposed to be that special for them. She didn't even know if she wanted to hear the answer to this question, but she knew she couldn't take it back after she asked it.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Feb 6, 2013 8:38:05 GMT -5
He liked as she ruffled his hair, the gesture bringing a wide smile to his lips as he lifted his shoulders and ducked away slightly in reflex. Her fingers running along his scalp as they kissed was one of the best feelings in the world but this playful back and forth was just as welcomed. "That's right, my hair is fabulous." He stressed the word with a laugh, unable to help himself. The light-hearted banter was a nice change from the earlier awkward tension.
His content expression had slipped into a scowl at the thought of the party. He trusted Nell, though he hadn't been so confident at the time, but other males? This was proof that they were not to be trusted. "I don't particularly like thinking about it either, believe me." He was fiercely protective and the idea of any other guy taking advantage of his girl sickened him. As they were in a talkative mood and clearing the air, he said, "I gotta admit, I got a bit worried before I realised you were drunk. You seemed really into him, it freaked me out." Jealousy issues coupled with a situation that didn't look good no matter how understanding of a guy you were did not make for a very good feeling in his chest. There had been hurt, betrayal, rage. Then she'd stumbled over and kissed him with alcohol on her breath and an unhealthy amount of giggles intercepting her speech and he'd found it in his heart to let it slide. She really was naive. That was the part of her naivete that did make him uncomfortable, though it had improved with time to his relief. He nodded when she asked for confirmation of the time, hesitated briefly when she asked the question. It was not that he did not want to answer, merely that he hadn't expected her to ask. "You, uh, you know how I told you I don't remember my first time?" They'd been sitting in the library surrounding by shelves and discussing his rather shifty past. He remembered it well. "You were pretty far gone and, well, I didn't want to do to you what she did to me." I didn't even know her name. At least he was with Nell and he wasn't some random stranger. Still, it would not have settled well on his conscience. He twitched his lip with gratitude. "Thanks for being so understanding." Sometimes he looked at his relationship and wondered how in the hell he'd gotten so lucky. She was perfection to him.
He liked that they could talk like this. The pleasant discussion about everything that they'd been through together, their marriage, it calmed him. It served as a good reminder that he had not made a mistake in his proposal. So many people had made ignorant remarks about young, dumb love but they did not understand who the couple were at their core. Nell's question caught him off guard and the shock registered in his expression as he drew his head back and blinked. "Tied down? No!" The answer was immediate and confident, tinged with the surprise that he was still feeling. All of the words she'd used had such negative connotations. Tied down so that he couldn't go out and fuck any girl that caught his eye. Imprisoned with the knowledge that divorce stood in the way of a clean break. Trapped, like he was stuck with her. He didn't like the words. He'd never seen it like that. "What would make you think that, babe? I wouldn't have proposed if I wasn't ready to be 'tied down'." He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "I don't feel trapped. I feel committed." Committed was a much friendlier-sounding word than imprisoned in his opinion. Marriage was a great feeling. He supposed that it was different for those couples who married for children, or for financial reasons. He'd married Nell out of love. He'd married her because he wanted to be married to her. There were no regrets. Mrs. Dale would be his for the rest of his life.
A soft laugh pushed past his lips at the compliment, gray eyes shining with approval. He liked that, interesting. "Are you joking? I would starve without you!" It was an exaggeration but one that he enjoyed making. "You take good care of me." Their relationship had never been tense or uncomfortable. He did not expect Nell to clean the house from top to bottom and have dinner ready for him every night—he expected her to do what made her comfortable and happy. If she wanted to cook dinner every night then he was more than happy to let her, as he often told her that her cooking was as good as his mother's. Having grown up on the meals that Patricia sometimes made for her family, this was a compliment of the highest esteem. "You keep me grounded. I couldn't do that for myself." This he said more seriously. She was the calm to his storm, the second opinion that he so often sought. He was too proud to ask most people for help or advice but he went to Nell about a lot of things. He trusted her to be honest with him and to counteract his over-confident, opinionated nature. If she told him to rethink something, he would. He might not like it at first but he would always thank her later. "Besides, you know what they say. Opposites attract." He grinned at this point. They certainly fit that bill to a tee. They were night and day but they found a harmony in their differences.
He was not surprised by her admission. Though he had never doubted that she treated him well, everyone else in his life had wasted no time in turning on Nell the moment they found out the secrets she held inside. With how she had to go about hearing how she was a cold-hearted murderer, how could she not have a moment of doubt? That's what I'm here for, he thought, immediately determined to debunk this. "I've never met anyone as good to me as you. Even my friends, Nell—think about that." There was a smile on his lips, a smile that never seemed to leave when he was talking to his wife. "You've done so much for me. You've always been there for me. You've never tried to change me. You know how many friends I've lost because of my temper?" It was a rhetorical question. He'd lost count, to be honest. He didn't want to be changed. Oh, he wanted his anger issues to get better of course, but that didn't mean he wanted someone ordering him around. Nell had never tried that. "As for other things... you know I never judged you for them." He'd always stood by his original statement: a killer, not a murderer. There would always be a difference.
Abandonment was another feeling that he could never truly understand. Though he'd been partially disowned and kicked out by his father at eighteen, that was different. It had not been Donovan walking out when he was young and fragile to never return. It had been a father-son argument gone wrong. He would never truly understand the crushing feeling that everything was temporary, that no one would stay for good. He could forgive but he could not relate. He listened carefully as she spoke, willing himself to grasp it as best he could. His stomach twisted uncomfortably as she spoke of her thoughts of leaving. The idea of a life without Nell was one he did not even like to fathom. He couldn't remember what it was like without her at his side. He didn't want to remember. Then she went on and his lip twitched, gaze soft with affection. He pulled her in close as she snuggled against him, feeling how small she was against his chest. "You didn't do a very good job," he teased. She'd been distant and he knew that something was wrong but he hadn't been tricked into thinking that their love had evaporated so quickly. "I could tell, you know. You were different. I was worried." So he'd responded in the only way he'd thought appropriate—a proposal. It had been a daring move and he did not regret it to this day.
Each time their drastically different upbringings came up in conversation, Josh was reminded of how truly different they were. Rich and poor, spoiled and abused, and while he'd been aware of elementals since he was very young, Nell had been in the dark. "What was that like for you then, when you found out? You must have thought you were going crazy!" He had been over the moon with the discovery of his own powers but it would have undoubtedly been drastically different had he not known it was coming. It made him feel good to know that she liked his element, that fire did not bother her. He felt the fluttering of affection in his chest like when they'd first gotten together and he knew it would never get old. "Really? You wouldn't prefer an Earth?" That surprised him. It was not that he thought she would leave him for an Earth, he trusted her now, but if she had the option of switching his element he thought that she might. He wouldn't trade hers for anything but he didn't think about that in his own surprise and doubt. He didn't have to elaborate for Nell to understand why Earth might be seen as a better match. Calm, pacifistic, friendly. The opposite of Joshua. That's when he realised and, before she could truly answer, he smiled and said, "Then again, you fell in love with me, huh? It wouldn't be the same if I was a completely different person." That was a sign of it, his trust. The fact that he backtracked on his own question and verbally stuck up for her and her love for him was a realisation.
Rather than laughing or looking shocked, Joshua's expression held a soft sort of sympathy and understanding as his wife shyly stammered out her question. I never thought of that before, that she wouldn't know. It was a prominent memory and a defining moment in their relationship and so the Fire graduate had taken for granted the idea that Nell would simply know what it had meant. He could have started off with a simple yes or some other prior reassurance but Joshua decided to jump right into it. "I can't remember my first time," he said, bringing back an earlier point in their conversation for the purpose of his explanation. "After that, it was all the same. Sober, drunk, good, bad—didn't make much of a difference in the end, did it? I never stuck around." Hit it and quit it, just as he'd said. There were encounters that were more memorable than others but they all faded with time. He could hardly remember faces, wouldn't remember most of their names if he was paid to do so. Sometimes he never learned names. Smiling, he cupped her cheek in his hand. "So it was a first for me. It was the first time that it mattered." It wasn't a quick fix to deal with his hormones and it wasn't meaningless. "I stuck around this time." In having sex with Nell for the first time, they were breaching a gap. They had created a bond as partners that they'd maintained to this day. No one could tell him there wasn't something special about that. "And it was the first time I'd ever been in love with someone. So I'd say that's pretty important." He stroked his thumb against her cheek and then dropped his hand and took hers.
He was learning a lot about Nell through this conversation. It seemed that each time they thought they knew everything about one another, something else happened to shake that up. He liked that. It kept things fresh, interesting. At the same time, he knew he'd be just as content knowing everything there was to know about her. He loved her. "What's your favourite part of being in a relationship with me?" To give her a bit of an elaboration on what he was asking, he added, "What do I do that makes you happiest?" He was curious. He wanted to know what kept her smiling and as in love with him as she'd been on the day they'd been married. That was important to him.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Feb 6, 2013 11:00:44 GMT -5
While Nell didn't know the exact extent of his jealousy, she could understand how he felt. She would certainly not appreciate someone feeling up on him, nosiree. Then again, she probably wouldn't do anything about it. Maybe said something snippy to the lady, but even that was a stretch. And then Josh admitted that he had been worried, and though back then she was even more innocent than she was now thanks to lack of her husband's influence, she could say one thing for certain. "I...jeez, I feel bad!" That she'd even let him do it. And still icked out. "Even drunk, I wouldn't have done anything with him. Definitely not. That doesn't change the fact that I had a boyfriend." If she became aware of any foul intention, she would instantly cut him off. Besides, it was obvious that who she really wanted was Josh, as she'd proved by trying to jump his bones. The thought of sleeping with someone else though? That upset her stomach. Then he told her why he hadn't gone all the way, and she smiled. She still felt bad for him, that his first time hadn't even been remembered, and so she was happy that it stopped him from a repeat. "Oh," she said. It meant a lot, and she didn't think she could properly express it. So she simply smiled as he thanked her for understanding. She tried, she really did.
She supposed she asked if he felt trapped because things changed. It happened, right? And she liked to know how Josh felt at all times, wanted to know if he was doing okay and see if she could do anything to make it better if he wasn't. He asked what made her ask that and she paused for a moment."I just want to make sure you're okay," she admitted quietly. "Because....things change. And I don't want them to." She wanted him to love her forever, and though he reassured her countless times, she felt like she could never get a handle on the worry that he might give up on her when it came to her self-confidence. It was a vicious circle that she just wanted to get out of. "You'd tell me if something changed, right?" she asked, her eyes wide and curious as she looked at him. She wanted them to always be as honest as they were now. Though she sometimes slipped up, forgot that she could tell him and ask him anything. Like how he felt about her accent or her hair color or the things that he always reassured her that yes, he loved them. Nell didn't want to lose that.
The idea of Josh starving was scary, and she really did worry about him a lot. So it made her heart beat faster when he told her that she took care of him. Her smile was broad, eyebrows lifted a little as if this was a surprise to her. She gripped the front of his shirt and listened to him as she buried her face in his chest, a very common event whenever she felt embarrassed or exceedingly happy. Like now. Besides, she liked being close to him, feeling his body against hers. She moved to smile up at him and say, "Yeah, like magnets!" Which may have been the worst sort of comparison, but she felt the need to say it. "Come to think of it, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me, either. I really don't know myself as well as you know me." She wouldn't be that good at dispelling her own fears or reassuring herself or comforting herself. Only Josh could do that. "And you can help me with my homework." She winked at him, laughing again. It felt good, especially after such a bad day at work. Josh could make her happy without even trying.
It was almost difficult hearing him speak, just because her emotions were in a tangle. A happy tangle, but still one that overwhelmed her to the point where she damn near had to ask him to stop so that she didn't just melt. "You've done so much for me." It may have been the best, hearing that, because a lot of the time she didn't think that. She didn't feel that she did that, and hearing it from his mouth meant that she did help him, in some way. "You deserve it, you know. You're a great person, I'd never want to change that." He always had been, in her eyes. She'd always looked up to him (and not just because of his height) and she'd always thought that he was a decent guy. Even after they met. He'd helped her in so many way. "Sometimes I feel like a burden. I mean, think about it. You wouldn't have had to deal with so much stuff if you'd never met me. The trial, my lovely family, abstinence." She laughed a little after that, but it was true and something that she felt bad for a lot, especially lately. He wouldn't have been hurt had it not for her aunt. And sometimes she felt like she didn't do a lot for him except wear him down. It was a horrible feeling to experience with the man she loved.
Josh didn't say anything on the fact that she had had such doubts, that she'd been so crushed by her father that she thought she could leave the one person who'd stuck with her through it all. He was the one who made her believe that she didn't have to lose everyone. And if there were words that described how much she appreciated that and needed it, then she didn't know them. It was too abstract a thing to be defined, really, Josh's impact on her. She rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he told her that she hadn't done a very good job. "Of course not," she said with a snort. Like many things in their past, she could joke about this. "You can always tell. You knew about my depression." That was definitely something she regretted ever hiding. It had all been for naught considering that he always knew, even when she thought she'd been covering it up by pretending. "If I ever wanted to rob a bank, I'd be SOL." Josh would probably catch on and ask her what was up. She had to be the worst at faking it with him.
Nell laughed at his words, asking her what it had been like. She didn't really like to think back that far. It wasn't very good good for her state of mind. "I thought I was just special or something? I don't know, but it gave me a lot of hope that I needed then." She was still smiling, keeping it light so she wouldn't have to think of why she needed that hope. Though she did think of it a little, it felt okay, because she was curled up with Josh and that made her feel safe, even from her past. She was going to tell him what she thought about the fact that she didn't prefer an Earth, but he realized that himself. She laughed a little and said, "Yeah, why would I want anyone else when I can have you?" He was glad he understood this and the fact that element definitely didn't matter. Because he was Josh. And she knew, tried to keep in mind always, that he wouldn't change anything about her either. "Especially since you wouldn't be as warm if you were an Earth, Space Heater." That would be something she'd be disappointed about. She needed her space heater.
Secretly fearing his response, she waited with bated breath as he began to talk, starting with the fact that he had been unattached before. Something that she knew she couldn't imagine for herself, and not just because she had Josh now. She was a private person in every way, and being intimate with someone she didn't know creeped her out. Nell grasped his wrist when he touched his cheek, eyes brightening when he said that it was the first time it mattered. Her stomach flipped happily. She liked to think sex with her was different than all the other times. That it was as meaningful for him as it had been for her. And when he said that it was important because he was in love with her, she positively beamed. She took his hand in both of hers, telling him, "I really didn't think...you'd feel the same." Oh, she definitely wished and hoped that it was, though she didn't put too much thought into it to spare her feelings in just in case. "But I'm glad it meant something to you, too. And that I wasn't so bad that you did leave." It was hard to resist joking in general, even when they were opening up to each other. She liked seeing him smile and laugh, and especially liked when she was responsible for it. In all, asking the question ended up relieving her instead of crushing her.
Josh's next question may have been the hardest. Her eyebrows drew in thought, a pained expression on her face. He liked making her think, didn't he? "This is hard," she groaned, "You're making me choose one thing I like?" The overflow of the things she could tell him flooded her mind, but she could only give him one, huh? And she really didn't know what to choose. So she had to settle with, "I can't name anything specific! I mean, there's that you make me laugh, but you do that by just being you. And you listen to me. And you make me happy. And you're not too bad on the eyes, either." But really, he did those things just by existing and being himself. She liked being around him and talking to him. "Are you gonna be mad because I can't name something specific?" She felt like a terrible wife. She should be able to say that this or that made her happiest, but there was no one thing that she could hold above anything else. She was never good at choosing favorites, because there was just so much else that she could hold in esteem, so many things Josh did for her that she couldn't pinpoint one down.
Nell had another question that she might not like the answer to. Still, she would ask it, just like she had asked about their first time together. That had turned out well. Besides, she knew there was nothing Josh could say that would make her love him any less. "So...if you could go back and change anything that happened between us, what would you change?" It could mean anything, really, she wondered if there was anything he regretted. They were talking about these things tonight, after all, regrets and thoughts and feelings they had during the course of their relationship.
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