I WAS SINKING;; tagged Nell,

Nell watched as the dahlia unfolded before her, and thought of how after the tulip, the dahlia had to be her favorite flower. Then she decided that maybe there were oto many and just continued to watch as the orb-shaped plants popped out. From nothing. It was an amazing feeling to be able to do this. In her younger years, she grew the little purple waterflowers outside her window, in the flowerbed full of old soil. The only thing she had in New York City, other than the grimy parks. I will never be that stupid again. Thoughts of what she did years ago when she snuck out always haunted and chilled her since she was aware now of what could have happened to her. But she guessed it was worth it. God only knows what would have happened if she didn’t find some sort of escape, if she didn’t find catharsis in her powers. I would have died long ago. Nell knew she probably should have run away sooner, but her mother had warped her so much that it took over ten years for her to take her life into her hands. Unfortunately, she ended another in the process.

Brushing off her hands, she realized that she was hungry—okay, maybe not realized since she was always hungry—and thought it may be a good idea to head to the mess hall. After washing her hands off, of course. Grabbing her satchel and groaning lightly as she felt strain in her already aching shoulder, she headed bac into the Academy, waving to people she knew as she passed. Luckily today wasn’t quite as stressful as usual, thanks to the fact that she’d got a lot of her work done before heading out and practicing with her element. She felt pride in how well she was managing, this being her first year in any sort of school. Nell knew she owed a lot of this to Josh, that she owed a lot to Josh. She smiled a bit thinking of him as she walked down the halls, moving through the crowds of people so she could get to the bathrooms.

As she washed the dirt off her hands under the faucet, Nell looked up into the mirror and saw one of the stalls open, and what looked like a familiar head of hair. Flicking the water off her hands, she stepped over to the stall and knocked lightly on the wall like she was entering a room. Then she noticed who it was and what she was doing. Instant distress filled her gut. ”Deirdra, are you sick?” she asked, worry apparent in her tone. Nell squatted down next to her and rubbed her back in circles. She hated when other people were sick, it was painful knowing that another person was ill. It reminded her too much of one little girl she wasn’t able to save, and it just reinforced the fact for her that she wouldn’t be able to help anyone else who got sick. ”Do you need me to hold your hair back? Actually…” Nell’s wrists were layered with black bands, and she pulled one of them off without waiting for the wretching girl to respond. "I've got a few ties if you need them." She waited for the fellow Earth student to tell her something so Nell could make sure she was okay.

Deirdra wasn’t sick. She tried not to think of the worst, but she couldn’t help it. Maybe the girl was denying it, like Nell would have. She never got sick in her life before, and if she ever did (which would never happen, ever), she’d outright deny that it was true. But was Deirdra like that? She didn’t know the girl well enough to be able to tell. But the pessimistic part of her brain told her that it wasn’t the case. That she wasn’t lying about the fact she hadn’t suddenly fell ill and had to hurry off to the bathroom to upchuck. Have more faith than that.

Apparently she didn’t need a hair band or anything, and Nell noded silently. When Deirdra stood, she followed, tilting her head interestedly. The next words made her blood freeze. She was curious about a girl throwing up? Sometimes, it felt like Deirdra was a child. No in the bad way where she needed to be reprimanded constantly, but in the way that she didn’t understand certain things. Like you. Yes, like Nell. Like how simple things she should know about the world fly over her head thanks to a psychotic depressive mother. And Nell was ready to tell her just how bad this was for her, that Deirdra should not be harming herself by throwing up like that.

”Deirdra,” she began softly, looking into the other girl’s eyes, trying to catch her attention. ”Forcing yourself to throw up isn’t healthy.” No, not at all, and it scared Nell to think that this girl thought it was okay to be doing that to herself. It was one thing to be sick—that was terrifying enough to Nell. But forcing yourself to be sick? ”That girl was purging, and probably because she had bullemia, which is a mental illness. Throwing up like that… it’s not a good thing to do to your body. You can seriously hurt yourself.” Nell didn’t want to be overbearing, but she was very concerned. Purposely purging your stomach was a horrible thing to do to your body and mind. She didn’t want Deirdra to fall into the trap of believing that self-injury was okay. ”Please promise me you’ll never do that again. Please.” Her voice sounded desperate even to herself, and that’s because she was.

Then why are you doing this? Nell’s gut clenched as she thought of a reason why Deirdra would think it was something she could do. She didn’t want to try to take control of the girl’s life, but when it came to someone else’s safety, she wasn’t going to standby and watch a girl destroy herself. Even if she was very much aware of the consequences. That just meant she needed held all the more. It scared Nell to think that Deirdra that it would be okay, because that opened a door to all other kinds of things that she may believe to be okay.

It seemed something about what she’d said got a reaction from the girl as she bolted from the stall. Nell turned and leaned out to look at her, wondering what it was that she said that upset Deirdra. She didn’t want to do that, of course not, so her gut twisted with the realization that maybe she should have been more careful with what she said. Perhaps was she’d said had been too forceful or stern or mean. But she’d only been worried. Deirdra’s curiosity greatly worried Nell. If she could do something like purging out of curiosity, what else may she do to herself? Nell didn’t want to believe that the girl could be so easily influenced, but it seemed that way so far.

But it must have been the mental illness part that had gotten to her, and Nell could sympathize. If there was one thing that Nell feared like nothing else, it was becoming like her mother and becoming like everyone else in her family. She was well on her way, after all—the comparisons between her and Mia chilled her sometimes. And she wondered what else had to happen before she actually snapped and broke enough. She worried when she’d grow sick of the world and its cruelty and lock herself away. Would the trial do it? Her father? Her aunt? What will be the straw? But she always willed away these fears for the sake of moving on with her life, because if she ever stopped moving her ghosts would catch up with her. Again.

Nell was about to tell her that no, she wasn’t like ‘him’—whoever ‘him’ was—and that she wouldn’t become sick if she stopped now, because in that instant Deirdra fell over and hit her head on the sink. A Spanish expletive slipping from her mouth without her even being aware of it, Nell hurried forward and fell to her knees before the other girl, holding her hands up as if to prepare to catch Deirdra if she suddenly fainted. ”Are you all right?” she asked, leaning forward a bit. It looked painful, but Deirdra wasn’t crying or anything, so it might not have been that bad.

Sighing, Nell nodded at the girl’s next words, spoken as she leaned forward on the floor. ”That’s good,” she breathed. Yes, it was reassuring to know that Deirdra wouldn’t hurt herself like that again, but Nell couldn’t help the nagging worry that she may find something else to hurt herself with. Then, trying to look into the other girl’s eyes, she said, ”Do you want to go to the medical wing? Or anywhere?” She wondered if after purging and the slip whether Deirdra felt well or not, and she kept her wide brown eyes on the other girl’s face while waiting for a reply.

She had some suspicions about the word ‘fine’ when it came to others’ well-beings thanks to Josh, but she chose to believe Deirdra and leave well enough alone, even though she didn’t miss the girl wincing as she touched the back of her head. I won’t push. Pushiness only made people retreat and caused defensiveness, and she didn’t want that to happen, not with Deirdra who was already so quiet and withdrawn. Well, save for the freak out she just had. So Nell decided to let the girl have her pride and not worry anymore about the injury on her head. If she showed signs that would Nell worry, then that’s what she would do. But she knew better than to fret over every little thing, though that’s what she usually did. It was a deep-seated reaction for her, something built in like instinct.

Nell nodded as Deirdra protested to the idea of going to the medical wing, and said, ”Okay, we don’t have to go to the medical wing,” with an easy smile. She was worried, of course, but she wasn’t about to make Deirdra do anything she didn’t want to. Whether or not she wanted to go somehwere was her own prerogative. Just please don’t be seriously injured or anything. Nell’s refusal to pry too much into people’s lives interferred with her oftentimes overwhelming concern for them. She didn’t know what to do with herself half the time, other than listen to what others had to say before making a decision. The other person was always the most important, and it was rare when her own opinions or feelings came into consideration. Even when she was convincing Deirdra not to hurt herself ever again, it was out of simple and deep concern for the other girl.

Deirdra’s request was met with a smile and a hand for assistance in getting up. ”Yeah, we can definitely go outside,” she said in a cheerful voice, trying to lighten the situation. Nevermind that she had just found Deirdra purging in the bathrooms or that the girl’s current state was Nell’s utmost concern, she’d perfected the mask of everything being okay long ago, and she wore it like a pro now. It wasn’t a totally insincere thing—it was just how she delt with things for the benefit of others. She led the way out of the Academy of decided that the best place for Earth students would be the gardens. Finding a bench, Nell sat down and patted next to her, smile still in place. ”So how was your day?” she asked with keen interest, almost added before you puked your guts out. That would just be insensitive, and Nell was not cruel enough to say something like that.

As Deirdra lingered around the flowers, Nell fixed her easygoing smile to her face, head tilted up as she placed her hands before her on the bench. She always felt like if she stayed in one place for too long, even seated, she may explode. So she simply tried to calm her always-there urges to move around so she could look at what Deirdra was doing, weeding with her powers. Her smile grew. Nell didn’t mind that her question wasn’t answered at first, even though she thought maybe the other girl hadn’t heard her. But just when she was about to repeat herself, she got a response and Nell nodded as she looked at the white rose. ”Ah,” she said, stretching up her arms and undoing her hair, tying it back up again. She really had a problem with touching her hair all the time, she had to wash it so much…

She wasn’t expecting any more explanation, but Deirdra went on to explain. ”Bullies,” Nell sighed, shaking her head. She knew Earth students were especially picked on thanks to their pacifistic nature, but it still didn’t sit well with her. No sort of violence did, so she guessed she fit in with the rest of her affiliation. It made her wonder a lot why the major factor in her life had been violence. ”Well, anyone bothers you, just send them my way.” Her smile was non-threatening, because Nell wasn’t. She didn’t fight, she didn’t hurt, but if someone hurt a friend—which she considered Deirdra—then they would have repurcussions. She didn’t like violence, but she knew how to work her way around that. She believed she may have inherited the Fuentes vindictiveness. No, it wasn’t that—it was a simple protectiveness she felt over everyone she loved. ”It’ll get better,” she made sure to reassure the girl, ever the optimist. ”You just have to make it better.” Nell knew a thing or two about bullying, after all, and the fact that you had to make a change. Even if it was the biggest mistake of your life.

Nell laughed whole-heartedly at the girl’s question, caught off-guard from admiring the flower that had twined its way up her arm. ”Actually, I think I’m pretty decent now. Probably at the level a twelfth grader should be on…” Stamina was pretty good with her, but there were still some things she needed to work on. But Nell was glad to see that her hard work had paid off in the end. All those supplementary classes and nights spent studying with Josh and she could proudly say she was a decent Earth elemental. ”I can’t do anything magnificent,” Nell explained, a soft smie gracing her lips, ”But even the little things are important.” To demonstrate her point, she held out her hands, touchnig her fingers lightly together as flowers bloomed between them, white daisies that Nell had always appreciated for their simplicities. Lacing the stems together, she continued to smile until she tied up the last stem, and the ring came full circle. Holding it out to Deirdra for her to take and put on her head, she said, ”Ever make a flower crown before?” It was a hobby of hers, something she used to do to help hone her powers. Now she could do it all by herself, and that filled her with a sort of pride.

Nell kicked off her sandals and pulled her legs up onto the bench, wriggling her rainbow colored toenails. Then she looked back up at Deirdra with a sly smile on her face. ”Ivy can be used for a lot of things,” she said vaguely, almost unable to hold laughter back. Then, to make it clear, she said, ”I could never hurt anyone—“ I could kill someone, actually. ”—but if people I care about are involved, I try to help out.” Then, in a joking tone but still very much serious, she added, ”I’m a crafty person, you know.” She was necessarily proud of it. She didn’t find pride in anything about herself, really. But it was true—the only way she managed to even come to the Academy was through her cleverness. And that’s how she protected her friends when she knew she couldn’t fight and she couldn’t harm anyone. Even the thought of laying a hand on another human being made her sick to her stomach.

Looking up at the clear sky, Nell contemplated Deirdra’s question. ”There’s lots of ways,” she said as she squinted and shielded her eyes with her hand. ”Show them that it doesn’t affect you. They’ll give up trying to hurt you.” She dropped her hand into her lap and looked down at Deirdra. For most situations, it worked If you lifted an eyebrow and snarked, people were usually deterred. If your façade is tough, the big bad wold won’t blow your house down. She knew it wasn’t always true though, but for schoolyard bullies like the ones Earth students had to deal with at the Academy, it was a decent enough strategy. ”And you can run away.” You would be called a coward, but it was better than a fucked up coward. She tilted her head when the fellow Earth girl said she was used. ”Don’t let them use you. They only have as much power over you as you let them.” Nell laughed lightly as she said this, so as not to make the conversation particularly dark or philosophical.

Nell giggled when Deirdra didn’t seem to know what to do with the ring of flowers at first, then placed it atop her head.She nodded at her explanation, eyes drawn to the sky again. ”That sounds lovely, a pond covered in lilies,” she said dreamily. She wished that she could have had experiences like that. But living in the ghetto with only concrete parks to play in, it was difficult to hone her skills or have fun. She could only do little things, activities that gave her comfort when her body was heavy and bruised and burned. Her powers were the only catharsis she had, and she’d clung to it. Nell didn’t realize that there were others out there like her, covering trees in moss and decorating ponds with lilies. It would have been a comfort—anything would have been a comfort. But she couldn’t dwell on those things for too long because it wasn’t worth focusing on what ifs. The past was the past, and she had to deal with it. Or rather, ignore it. That was just as fine.

Using little blue flowers, Deirdra crafted one of her own and it was adorable the way she held it out, like a child would. Nell took it and placed it atop her head, listening to the other girl’s words. She wondered if this man was who she said she missed when she was upset in the dorms, but she wouldn’t ask. ”That sounds like a beautiful concept,” she said with an easy smile. She found she really actually enjoyed Deirdra’s company and watching her use her powers. Well, it was difficult for her to hate anyone, but she really liked the other Earth girl. ”Do you go to the woods a lot?” she asked curiously. Nell liked to climb trees and hang around in the wilderness—bringing friends, of course, because it was not very safe to go alone with all the wild animals—so she was interested to hear if Deirdra did too. She honestly wished that she could have grown up here instead of The Bronx—the city was no place for an Earth elemental.

Nell threw back her head and laughed a bit, brown eyes looking at the sky. ”I should hope so,” She said, tilting her head back levelly and tapping her fingers against her lips. ”Otherwise I wouldn’t have much going for me.” Even though she said this as gently as a breeze, and chuckled after, it was something she’d accepted as truth. She didn’t think she had a lot that was gooda bout her—she didn’t have any real talents, no experience to get her by in life. One thing that got her by was her cleverness, her resourcefulness. Nell probably wouldn’t be alive right now if she hadnt at least had that in her arsenal. But it didn’t get her too far, it didn’t get her to the point where she felt like she’ ever be safe.

Blinking at Deirdra, Nell tilted her head. She guessed that maybe the question was just objective, since if it bothered the girl she wouldn’t care whether or not they stopped. Maybe she wanted to just understand why people did that to her? Nell had grown to accept violence as a part of human nature, something she’d rather steer away from—her entire life had been built atop violence. ”Not everyone will like you, and not everyone will have the best intentions.” People were people and that was just a part of the world. Just because there were those who hurt you didn’t mean that they should be bothered with. The bullying she received was easily brushed aside, even though it was rather difficult during the war. But she just had the mindset that nothing was worse than her mother—her family and relatives came close, but still not close enough. ”People will hurt you,” she said with a gentle shrug, thumbing a strand of ivy she was coiling around the bench. ”But they’re not the ones who matter.”Those who love and respect you were the ones you should focus on. Otherwise, it was all about survival, like the list Nell compiled in her head from a childhood spent in libraries.

Nell grinned as she watched the flower bloom—she wished she could have seen them before in the city. She wished for a lot of things, but it was just a gentle tugging at her soul that drew her toward such nostalgic yearnings. ”Nymphaeaceae. Monet liked painting them.” She liked him, there was something very calming about his artwork. She wasn’t much of an entrepeneur, but she took interest in everything. Beaming at Deirdra, she told her, ”I’m sure you already knew that.” She wondered if Monet’s paintings were something studied in school and if not, what those who had public schooling learned about in terms of art. ”The forests are nice, especially here. BC’s just so…interesting. Eclectic.” Nell would have told her how she’d grown up in a city if she were more comfortable with conversation involving herself. But she wasn’t, therefore she couldn’t. Instead, she focused on the present and the fact that where she lived now was a lovely place indeed. ”Want to go hiking with me sometime?” Nell asked curiously, braiding a piece of her hair—she always needed to keep her hands busy.