-- YOU SHOULD KNOW ME BY NOW && [nell]

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

[This is in March. Shh ;)]

Joshua was worried about Nell, to be perfectly honest. He was scared of the way that she seemed to be shutting down a little bit and not sure what that might mean. He had been optimistic about her depression being on the mend and their relationship looking up but of course life was not going to let them be happy for longer than a few days. Every time he thought that things were getting better, it spat in his face and laughed at his hopefulness. He also worried what it might mean for them. He remembered Nell's concerns about becoming like her mother, he remembered how she doubted him sometimes, he worried that doubt might come between them again. He couldn't see why she would doubt him after everything he had done for her but the worry was there. He was a professional worry-wart. He had known that he was going to need to do something, anything to prove to her that he was not going to leave just like her father had. What more could he do? He had already done almost everything possible. He knew that he'd fucked up a few times like when he'd avoided her for a few weeks and forgotten her birthday, or when he'd almost cheated on her thanks to the blonde ditz at the bar. He had apologised for those things and he had hoped they were in the past now just like he'd forgiven her for calling him a cheater and for lying to him about her depression but he could not be sure, could never be sure. He was not Nell, not in her head.

Needing advice on what he wanted to do, Joshua's first instinct was to call his father. Things were awkward with the man and he was not entirely sure why his was the first one that he dialed but there was a weakening sense of relief when he heard the deep, familiar voice on the other end inquire, "Joshua?" It took him a few seconds to collect himself and answer, seeing as he'd prepared for nothing except actually hitting the dreaded 'call' button. "Hey, Dad." He exhaled a little shakily, then laughed at how stupid he was being. It was amazing how much he'd worked himself up over the idea of talking to the man compared to how simply Donovan responded with a, "I wasn't expecting your call. Is there something wrong?" His tone was unreadable but Joshua liked to tell himself that the man was concerned about him. "Yes. No—I don't know," he admitted, having answered too quickly and flustered himself. He ran his free hand through his hair and tilted his head back, realising that he could not possibly convey everything he needed from Donovan over the phone. "Hey, listen Dad, can I drop by the house? I'd rather discuss this in person."

[/b] It felt weird asking. He officially did not live there any more. "Of course, Joshua, you're always welcome here. Are you sure that you're alright?"

"I'm fine. I'll see you in a bit."

Coming back from the meeting with his father, Joshua could hardly believe how much better he felt. He'd actually sat down and spoke to the man, recieved advice from him, told him what was happening with him and Nell. It had been vague—after all, he couldn't say why he wanted Nell to believe he was fully committed, could only tell his side of the story—but it had been enough. Then he'd told Donovan of his plans and asked the man whether it seemed too reckless or hasty. He hadn't told Trish. He wouldn't tell her until he knew this would work out. He loved his mother and all, but some conversations were just ones that could only be between he and his father. There was a level of trust and admiration that only the man could achieve. He found himself back in Nell's apartment and feeling a bit restless now as he waited for her to return home. He planned to put things into action immediately. He'd had this idea for a little over a week now, perhaps a week and a half, he'd just been working out the details and mulling over how easily it could backfire. Not wanting to worry himself into stupor, he pushed aside the 'buts' and what ifs' and decided to just go for it.

When she did get home, Joshua slid his arm around her waist and greeted her with a kiss, just as he would normally. He had been keeping physical intimacy a bit relaxed considering she was going through things and he understood that they came before anything else but he had not halted his normal routines completely, not wanting her to think that anything was off. "Hey, Nell," he said. "It's kinda late, babe, where'd you get off to?" He didn't really mind, was just making conversation for the sake of leading into what he was going to say. That wasn't to say he did not care where she went or where she got up to but it was certainly not his top priority tonight. "I was actually thinking of going out to eat," he said. "Are you hungry? I can't be bothered making anything and Northern Lights isn't too far... I know people, I could get around reservations somehow." He shrugged as if it were a mild suggestion that she could take or leave as she wished. He hoped she didn't refuse because they he was going to have to do some fast thinking to convince her. "Are you up for it? I mean, we'd need to get ready but that wouldn't take too long." Northern Lights was a fancy restaurant and he usually honoured that by fixing his hair and making sure his clothes didn't look out of place. Showing up in a ruffled shirt and ripped jeans would get dirty looks from the other diners.[/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify][/size]

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell sat cross legged on the floor, tongue sticking out as she focused on the television screen, controller in hand. ”The fuck are you doing?” her friend asked as she slammed buttons on her own controller. ”I really don’t know,” Nell told her when her car flipped over into a pit of lava. ”Oh c’mon, who puts lava on a race track anyway?” It was said jokingly of course, since it was the fact that she wasn’t very good at this game that caused her death. She had decent hand-eye coordination, but her friend seemed to enjoy introducing new games for her. ”You suck,” the girl said, pointing at her as she ejected the game and Nell stuck her tongue out at her. She didn’t mind if she died in video games or anything, she just liked focusing on distractions. Emilee was good. They weren’t close friends, but when the girl had asked if she’d help housesit while her parents were out, Nell agreed just because of that. They weren’t close friends, and she just wanted to help her. She was feeling less than trusting of the world around her, but she wasn’t going to become like her mother and just shut away the world. She had enough of that during her depression, and she was past it. Nell was going to handle things differently, how she believed they should be treated.

When Emilee put another disk into the console, the front door opened and her parents walked through, her mother holding her slumbering brother. And even though this family seemed perfect, she realized that there were cracks. Because it wasn’t her father, it was her step-father and half-brother and the evidence of how easily things can fall apart was now becoming more and more apparent to her. She was becoming jaded enough that she noticed these things, the fact that she was stupid for ever thinking that she could keep any part of her family. You should stop thinking about him. There was the residual anger toward her father, but she managed to keep that well enough underwraps. She liked to pretend her father’s abandonment didn’t affect her as much as she had. It had done damage to every relationship she had. Luckily she didn’t open up to many people, she didn’t need many people. She liked have others around her, she liked being a support for them, but she had only one pillar that she was currently neglecting thanks to the fact that she didn’t know how to distance herself properly. She loved Josh, and it was hard to convince herself othewise.

That was why she felt guilty when Josh kissed her, and upset over the fact that it was difficult to separate herself from him. She didn’t want to kiss back and slide her arms around his neck, but she did, and she was making it harder for herself. You should kick him out, some evil voice told her. That would certainly help the distancing part. But she didn’t want to. It was hard not to love him, but now there was the fear of the inevitable—that if she allowed herself to trust him as a constant in her life, she was just going to end up hurt. ”I was housesitting with a friend,” she told him, and she tried not to say anything else. She could start off small, by not letting him in on details, by not letting him in at all. That would make it easier right? If she was honest with herself, she knew she didn’t want to distance herself from him, didn’t want to let him go. But she also wanted to protect herself from any more injury, and it was almost like for once she was taking her own priorities into consideration. She was thinking about her self-preservation and how the loss of someone else she loved would just hurt her even more. Josh gave no signs of leaving, of turning his back on her, but that didn’t mean one day, eventually, it may all go to shit.

She smiled at him, though, as if everything was all right even though she wondered if he could tell that she was trying to let go. ”Of course I am,” Nell said when he asked if she was hungry. Nowadays she was hungry as much as she used to be, and she was glad for that. Her father’s disappearance had hurt her, but it wasn’t enough for her to regress. She would handle things differently. ”You sure?” she asked when he said Northern Lights. It was a fancy shmancy place, so she wondered how confident he was in getting around reservations. Either way, she’d be fine eating at a two-star restaurant if they couldn’t eat at Northern Light. She didn’t think there was any specifi reason he wanted ot eat out tonight, just took his word that he didn’t feel like making anything. ”That sounds fine. I just need a second to get ready.” It would take more than a second, actually, because she was wearing jeans and a plaid shirt. Instead she opted for nice pants and a blouse and heels because she wasn’t getting any taller, and as she fixed up her hair she asked Josh, ”You ready?” Guys had it easier, but it wasn’t like she went all out or anything. Though she liked to be proper, she didn’t wear a lot of make-up and she’d taken a shower that morning.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He took a small and selfish comfort in the fact that she wrapped her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss very slightly in response before pulling away. It still felt good to kiss her even though he was in a state of mild paranoia and he wondered what was going through her head. Maybe he was just being stupid. She hadn't rejected him, hadn't pushed him away and told him that she was not in the mood for this right now. Am I being too reckless about all of this? No, no, he couldn't work himself into a doubtful mood again. He'd gone on and off again about what he was going to do for the past couple nights even after he'd made plans and finalized decisions. Even his father was supportive in his ideas despite the man's surprise. "I thought you were sick or something was wrong with Nell," he'd said, and Josh had felt a pang of guilt as he realised that there was something up with Nell and he just hadn't detailed it. "I nearly called your mother, I was worried about you!" That had touched him. His father worried about him. He knew that a lot of people took their parents' love and affection for granted but anything involving a bond with Donovan was practically sacred to Josh. The man meant a whole lot more to him than he cared to admit and he'd sacrifice almost anything for him. Except Nell. She had been the exception that had nearly torn apart their father-son connection for good. But now Donovan seemed to have accepted Nell's presence back in Josh's life whole-heartedly. He was glad of that, very glad. It would have been unfortunate if he had to cut ties with his family forever.

"Housesitting, eh?" he said when she did not elaborate further on what she had been up to. "Did you have fun?" Again, these were all normal questions for him. Normal questions on a normal day, pretending as if nothing was out of place. Even after Nell and Joshua had promised to stop deceiving one another, here they were both doing it all over again. Lying to protect each other and themselves. He didn't ask who she was with or when she'd left because he didn't want to dwell on it for too long, more concerned about convincing her to accompany him. "Sure I'm sure," he said with a smile. It was not as easy as they usually were with her but he tried his best so that it did not look forced. He was not upset, just anxious. His smiles didn't have a hard edge to suggest that he might be angry or a waver to betray depression and so he hoped Nell wouldn't doubt their sincerity today. They were sincere, just difficult. "Mum's good friends with the owner's family and we go there a lot." He was even taking his chances—he had not called in a reservation despite having planned things. He was going to try and legitimately talk his way into the restaurant, hoping that the lack of holidays would make it easier to score an empty table. If he'd called it in, she might get suspicious. If he didn't get them through, well, he'd cross that bridge if they came to it and probably just go through with his plan some other way. He was determined that this was going to happen.

He nodded when she said she'd need to get ready and went to fix his own appearance up as well. He changed his shoes from his favourite pair of hiking boots into something a little more classy and switched his pants for good measure, leaving the white dress shirt be. It wasn't wrinkled or stained so he figured he was safe. He liked dress shirts because they were generally light and it was easy to just push back the sleeves so he wasn't as bothered by them. Besides, they worked with a lot of things. He went back to Nell and nodded at the question. "Sure am, let's go." He drove to the restaurant and was encouraged by the fact that the parking lot did not seem all that full, catching the door as it swung shut behind a family of four and holding it open so that he and Nell could go through. He approached the reception desk confidently and with a request to speak to the manager and a few kind words and a promise for a large tip, Josh winked at Nell as they were let past the main doors. "Man, I love my mother," he told her with a chuckle. After they had ordered (Joshua a meatless dish involving tofu, potatoes and vegetables) and were waiting for their food, Joshua frowned in thought. "How about we play a game to pass the time? They might take a while with our food." It was true, at least. Seeing as they made it fresh the amount of time depended on the dishes being served. "Twenty questions sound good? You can go first."

[NELL DOE DALE]

Josh was making it very hard for her to push him away, and she almost hated him for that. She understood now what her father meant when he said that he never stopped loving her mother—the scary thing was that she didn’t think she could stop loving Josh. ”Yeah,” she told him, wishing that he’d stop asking questions. It amazed even her how scared she was of getting hurt again and having another person abandon her. That makes this right, then? Its better that I leave first? If she could do the leaving, that is. It seemed near impossible, and she didn’t want it to be that way. She wanted it to be easy to just think that she didn’t need him and she could leave whenever and it wouldn’t hurt. ”We played video games, mostly, so it wasn’t too exciting.” She also hated the fact that it was easy to talk to him, which just made it worse for her. Nell always wanted to talk to him, she liked talking to him, and she was doubting her willpower. After all, if she was even stronger she would have broken up with him already. But she believed that it would be better to distance herself slowly. Maybe he’d get the hint. Maybe he’d actually leave her.

She didn’t sense anything off at all with Josh’s behavior, because she wasn’t looking for any cues. She was mainly focused on how she was going to go about with her life to prevent anymore injury. ”Well, all right then.” The Earth girl’s own demeanor was nonchalant as ever, even though she hoped she was doing good at playing aloof and distant. She never had to do that before, so she couldn’t say if she was giving off the right signals. Especially because everytime she thought of a reason she should end their relationship now, shethought of a reason that she wanted to have him by her side. In the matter of restaurants, Nell didn’t doubt his ability to get them a table, so she didn’t suggest they try anywhere else. They were dressed nicely, so maybe that would help. Turned out it wasn’t necessary, since Josh need only speak to the manager and they were in. She smiled at Josh when he winked and claimed his love for his mother, who she was also grateful for since she was the one that helped them get in tonight.

His suggestion after they ordered didn’t sound too out of the ordinary, but it did make her nervous when he mentioned playing twenty questions. Questions. Do I want to answer questions? Do I want to ask him questions? Jesus, this was hard. She barely knew what she wanted anymore. Okay, she knew that she wanted him, but she knew that she also would be better off ending things before he hurt her. Because that’s what always happened. People simply disappear one day and oyu’re left alone. ”Okay, sounds like fun,” she told him, tracing her finger along the rim of her glass of water. What should I ask him…? For the first time, it was difficult for her. If she was trying to pull away from him, she should be acting like she didn’t care, even if she did, even if she wanted to know more about him and even if she wanted to ask him questions. Her curiosity and love for him was hindering her and making it difficult to slip away. ”What’s your favorite color?” That seemed safe, nuetral. She didn’t think she’d ever asked him that before, and it wasn’t very personal at all. I can do this, she thought. A game of twenty questions to past the time would be nothing for her.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

He did notice the nonchalance, the lack of usual interest in his life. Joshua could not be oblivious no matter how hard he might wish for it. When you lived with someone, you noticed things like that about them, got used to their habits and the way that they interacted with you on a daily basis. Shifts in these rituals were not always detectable but sometimes it was like shining a spotlight on an imperfection, especially when you were in love with the person in question. He loved Nell dearly and embraced her flaws as best he could but it was a bit hard to do so when one of her flaws included distance. He didn't realise that she wanted to break up with him but he certainly worried that this might lead to break up if they didn't patch up the holes in their relationship. He'd thought about the night they'd spent in the mansion and wondered several times if it had contributed to things but didn't feel that it had anything to do with it. She'd had started acting funny sooner. No, this was the fault of what had happened with her father because that was when it had all started. He didn't really know what to do other than convince her he wasn't going anywhere and hope for the best. A masochistic part of him wanted to tell her that he loved her and test whether or not she would return the words but the paranoid held him back. What if she didn't? He didn't know if he could handle the panic of reality. Did she love him or didn't she? Was this just a phase or would it be a steady decline? Josh was confused about all this, that was for sure.

Mild surprise met him when she asked her question, both because it was a very simple one and because he was shocked she didn't already know the answer. Sometimes they spent so much time discussing what was actually important in their lives that he forget they'd missed out on the little details. He couldn't help his smile as he thought of this. He couldn't help his affections for her, how thoughts about Nell and about their relationship made him generally happier. If she broke it off with him or he with her, he'd probably take a while in getting over it. Time healed all wounds but time was a terrible bastard. It tended to take quite a bit of itself to start that whole 'healing' thing. "It changes sometimes," he said, "but I'd say that right now it was green. Light green. I'd say white, but it's a shade and not a colour." The elaborations on the simple question proved his trust for her. If someone else had asked his favourite colour he'd have given them a weird look and merely said 'green' or even gone as far as to lie with, 'I don't have one'. He didn't like talking about himself... unless it was with Nell. He enjoyed letting her in on his life and having a confident. If he knew that she was in the process of shutting him out for good, he'd have been upset. He might even have changed his mind about his plans. They had no chance together if there was no establishment of trust. Relationships were built on it.

At the same time, he knew that he wasn't going to infringe upon that boundary of trust by asking deep questions at this point in time. Not because he didn't think she'd answer, because Josh didn't realise that her trust in him was worse that he'd thought, but because he figured it might open wounds he didn't want to mess with. It would not be a good idea to ask about her past and her family when he wanted her in a good mood. And so he decided to keep the questions light and innocent. "Do you have a favourite name?" he asked her, figuring that it was more silly than personal. He remembered being a child and being rather partial to the name Isaac because he'd read it in a book and had liked the protagonist quite a lot. He'd christened the name to a squirrel he saw on the balcony one day and had wondered what sort of family Isaac had in his tree, in his words. He had amused himself most of the time as a child. His parents were around and they had raised him but they could not be children. They didn't have the time to both raise kids and play pretend with them. The memory was a fond one despite the fact that it meant he'd been a lonely kid (Annabel had not been alive then) and his lips twitched as he thought of it.

[NELL DOE DALE]

Josh seemed amused by something, and she looked away for a moment, realizing how much she liked to see that. It was just going to be for the worse, in the end. But Nell couldn’t easily detach herself from people. That wasn’t who she was, it wasn’t in her personality to be distant. Especially not when she loved someone like she did Josh. And even though she pretended well, she couldn’t stop the actual interest she held. ”Light green, really? That was more sepcific than I thought it would be.” No, she was terrible at acting indifferent. It was just his favorite color, and yet she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about it more, or being interested in it. She had to wonder how her father made it look so easy. It probably wasn’t. It was weird, sympathizing with her father like that. It made her feel sick, because she realized that’s who she was trying to be like. She was just going to do to Josh what her father did to her. As she tried to think selfishly, she couldn’t do it. Josh loved her too, didn’t he? Those times he said it and proved it couldn’t have been lies. You know what’s going to happen. God, she just wanted to eat.

His question, as with every game, was one she actually had to consider. ”I never thought about it,” she told him honestly. So she took a moment to think, to lapse into a false sense of security that this was okay. This was just an innocent little game, one that she couldn’t help but like to play. It was why she had suggested it in Timmies the first time, why she loved it every time Josh brought it up. ”Trinidad, I think,” she told him. Nell knew why she liked the name, but she didn’t want to say it. It involved her father, and that was an open wound. Instead, she said, ”Like the island. I've just always liked it, I guess.” She was being honest and telling him things and while a part of her wanted to stop, the bigger part that loved him didn’t care. Her mind may protest against it, but her heart was a different matter entirely. You’re just a big softie. That was true, she was trying to steel herself for the inevitable and yet she just kept reminding herself of the things she loved about her boyfriend, or the ways he’d always been there for her, and how he was different than the other people in her life. He provided her with more support than anyone else had, but she didn’t know if that could change things.

Another thing that was maing her nervous was the fact that she felt like she was easing up. She was failing very hard at this ‘acting aloof’ charade. It’s just going to crash and burn, she reminded herself. Dammit, I can’t do this. Her internal dilemma was splitting her in two, and Nell didn’t know what to do with herself. Even as she remembered over and over that everyone leaves her, she didn’t want to think that Josh would be one of those people. But it’s everyone. Eventually, things fall apart. Maybe she should have just stopped thinking all together. ”If you could have one superpower, what would it be?” she asked, and despite her better instincts, she threw in a joke. ”Besides the obvious.” Of course, by that she meant that he was an elemental and therefore already had a ‘superpower’. No one else would understand if they by chance overheard their conversation, but she was certain he would. You shouldn’t play along, the thoughts kept surfacing and trying to ward away her emotions. Okay, for one night, she could just ignore her fears and her uncertainties.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Josh nodded in confirmation. "Light green," he repeated. "Plus, lighter colours give my skin more colour, as my mother says." He chuckled at the thought, though it was true. He was a tad on the pale side and couldn't exactly acquire a tan (or a burn, thankfully, being a Fire elemental) so anything too dark made this stand out all the more. He liked dark colours and they looked good on him too, he'd just thrown that in as a sort of jest. He was not the sort of pasty, deathly pale that it was eye-catching. You'd really only notice if you paid attention to that sort of think. "I really like dark emerald, too, though," he mused. "And most shades of red, even if they aren't my favourites. I mean, look at who raised me." He was talking about his parents and making a reference to their Fire heritage but he was not going to speak about his elemental powers and their connection to the colour red in the middle of the restaurant. People would probably pass it off as confusing silliness and continue their meals if they paid attention at all but the parents who'd raised him had also taught him not to take those sorts of risks. A friend of the family had been forced to flee from the government and hide out in England for a few years when he was younger. They'd returned once suspicion had died down but it must have been quite the frightening experience. He didn't want to run away, didn't want to abandon all that he had here in Canada, his home, because of a stupid slip-up.

He tilted his head as she told him the name that she liked, smiling a little. "It's an interesting name," he commented. He did not know the connection it had to her father and so he did not realise that it might have been a little painful for her to think of it. He was trying to keep his questions as light and as normal as possible. He'd only asked one thus far, true, and he was likely going to need some thinking before he found any others that were suitable, but he didn't mind so much. They had time. He was in no rush to end the game and the food was going to take a lot longer than a mere five minutes anyway. Wishing that he at least had some sort of chocolate or sweet to satisfy him while he waited, he said, "I wonder if they still give out those mints after dinner. I love those things." Mint, specifically peppermint, and dark chocolate were two of his favourite flavours. If they were combined it was even better but unfortunately the little dinner mints were usually mint alone. "Have you ever tried the cheese bread?" he asked, not as a game question but just a general inquiry. He loved the cheese bread—he'd ordered it as an appetizer, actually. "It's really good." Food was at least a subject they agreed on in many ways. Nell wasn't vegetarian and her appetite tended to rival his quite nicely despite his greater height and weight but they could still appreciate its finer qualities, even with something as simple as bread.

Playing along with the joke, he said, "I wish I could go around chucking fireballs at everyone who offended me. One minute they're sneering and then boom, headshot." He winked at her and grinned easily, relaxing now that she seemed to be joking with him. He was reassured by the way this was going so far and so he didn't feel the need to be as careful. "I'd say I'd like to be omniscient but I think that would get boring after a while," he remarked. "I mean, what's the point in knowing everything? There'd never be anything to do." As cool as it might have sounded on first though, the ability lost more of its flavour the more he thought about it. He really enjoyed learning and he'd be quite upset if that need was taken away. "Invisibility would be neat. Yeah, I think that would work for me. I like staying under the radar." Nell knew that he could be a bit of a loner sometimes and Josh certainly wouldn't mind the ability to go unnoticed. Of course, this was all fictional. He was well aware that besides their earth-moving and fire manipulation, the pair of them were never going to be blessed with extra powers. They were already lucky enough. Half the people in the place could only wish at the power to command an element. "My turn, now. What's your favourite time of day?"

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell never felt this combination of happiness and sadness before, and it was making her rather uncomfortable. She tried to justify it in her own head. She still wasn’t over her father. She still was afraid that Josh was going to disappear and trying to work up the guts to leave him first. I can’t do that. It was amusing to hear him talk about colors, like he actually put thought into it. She never did herself, even though she was drawn to blue and she had to choose that. In general, she wore whatever colrs she liked and didn’t worry about paleness—Hispanic heritage could be great like that. ”Well, I do have to say I love camouflage,” Nell said when he spoke of whor raised him, inferring who raised him to mean Fire elementals. Don’t make it harder for yourself. She merely smiled when he spoke of mints. She couldn’t clear it up because she didn’t know herself whether or not they still gave out the mints. ”I don’t see why not,” she said, considering there wouldn’t be any reason to take them away. Unless there was a mint shortage. At least conversation was taking her mind off her dilemma. Well, as best as it could. She still couldn’t stop thinking about how easily he could break her heart, or what she should do to protect herself. Mhmm,” she said when he asked if she’d ever had the cheese bread. You can stop there, just stop talking. Nell had never found anything more difficult than this moment.

She couldn’t help but be amused at Josh’s joking along with her, couldn’t stop her natural reactions to him. ”Headshot? With a fireball?” she said, lifting her eyebrows. Stop smiling, dumbass. It was kind of hard not to do. She was still Nell, she still smiled almost all the time. And Josh was still someone who could make her smile. He commented first on omniscience, and she had to agree with him on that. There are meant to be mysteries in the world, otherwise it would be a rather boring existence. ”Well, you can always one-up people and be a pompous jerk,” she said when he claimed there would never be anything to do. She should also stop joking, but Josh was making everything harder in the end. She felt weak and stupid, like she couldn’t do what she wanted to do. It’s not what I want to do, she thought. It was what she‘d need to do in order to save herself. But then…leaving first would be the same thing. She’d still be losing him, in the end. And it would still hurt. ”Well, if spy drones can be invisible, maybe there’s a chance for you. Plus, scientists have apparently made an invisibility cloak.” Of course, she spoke this only to play along, because superpowers didn’t have too much of a scientific basis. Thinking of science, she couldn’t stop her mind from going to her father, even though he didn’t talk about his job all that much. “I don’t like to be a bore,” he’d told her with his ever-serious face, and she really wish she’d stop thinking about someone who was the root of her abandonment issues.

She drew her eyebrows together in thought, pursing her lips. Always with the questions that made her think, he did good at this game. ”I don’t think I have a favorite time of day,” she eventually said, feeling terribly indecisive. ”I like all times of day, I suppose. I really can’t choose…” She didn’t think that this was a very satisfactory answer, and she was just falling into the trap of this game. She couldn’t stop herself from going along with it and couldn’t stop her interest. ”…But for the sake of the sake of the game I’ll say mornings. Because it’s the start of a new day.” She was still smiling as she decided on this, and then realized how she sounded and duck her head as she blushed. Hurriedly, she said,”Even if that is corny.” So you’re just going to keep letting your guard down around him, good strategy. It was just natural for her to feel comfortable admitting things to him. Nothing could change that, she didn’t think. Even as she tried to pull herself away, bonds were difficult things to break. It was her turn, and since she was still trying her best to keep her distance (and failing wonderfully), she decided to keep her questions only skin deep. ”Would you rather have a missing finger or an extra toe?”

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua was legitimately surprised when Nell didn't go off on a spiel about the food in the place as he suspected she would normally have done. He was trying to generate conversation by talking about food and it wasn't working quite as well as he'd hoped. Not giving up quite yet, he inquired, "Did you like it? I could share if you want, I usually don't eat it all anyway." He ordered a wide range of course and just ate what he could of each one. He'd get close to finishing but didn't like to go home feeling uncomfortably full so he never overdid it. He had a weakness for their cheese bread and their mints, though, so he got the bread almost every time he came to Northern Lights. "I've heard their seafood specials are good, too, but I wouldn't know much about that." Joshua did not mind when other people gorged themselves on shrimp and sushi or on steak and chicken, when they ate plates of bacon dripping with grease or huge hamburgers. It was a lifestyle choice and a personal one at that. He and his girlfriend would not be as compatible if he had a problem with such things anyway. That's what he felt he was with her—compatible. They balanced one another out in the best ways possible in his opinion. He admired her patience and was glad for it in times of his anger, he marvelled her selflessness but wished that she could be as confident as he was sometimes. Her friendliness was affecting him positively, as well. He was a tad less tense in social situations now.

Seeing Nell smile at his messing around made Joshua's grin widen even more, laughing as he thought of sniping someone with fireballs. It was actually a lot harder to shoot fire like bullets than someone would imagine. It had to be compacted into a small space and then flung like a protective. It might hit hard enough to bruise but not enough to pierce the skin. It was fire, after all, not metal. "People would run in fear of my badassery," he crooned, lifting his chin as if he was seriously stroking his own ego. This was another reason he liked being around Nell. His anxieties for the night were forgotten as he laughed and joked around, getting into the game and calming himself down. How could this go badly if it was going so well? I can do this. His confidence was swelling to its usual size once more. "Pff, I already do one-up everyone," he bragged, waving a hand like he was serious. Nell, he was sure, could tell that he was not. "A cloak? Ha, I could go all Harry Potter and creep around." He thought he would prefer plain invisibility in all seriousness. A cloak would be a pain to haul around and you'd be fucked if it fell off. Still, this game was not always meant to be entirely serious. No one could be invisible. At least, not movie-invisible. You could blend in with your surroundings but you couldn't vanish as easily into the backdrop as a fictional character. Oh well, I can just make everything go up in smoke instead. That works too.

He was amused by her cheesiness and reached across the table to nudge her arm playfully. "That was so corny," he assured her. The laughter was in his tone even if an actual chuckle did not pass his lips. "That's okay, though. Mornings are my favourite, too." He was really an any-time-of-day person for waking up, never really being the type to get grumpy. He slept odd hours when he was cramming and so he would have been a difficult person to deal with otherwise. In terms of a favourite, though, he enjoyed the earliest hours of the day—both during the sunrise and the hours afterwards. "Me, I like the brightness of the sun and the smell of the dew, and I really like it when it rains." He loved the rain and he liked the morning sunlight so a combination was great for him. Joshua didn't have to think much about her next question, mostly because the idea of not having all ten digits on his hand would have worried him. "The latter, I think. You can get a deformity surgically removed but I'm pretty sure you can't grow a new finger." The thought was actually a tad disturbing but he wasn't easily wigged out over these things. Forgetting himself and his desire to keep questions about their relationship to a minimum for fear of getting an answer he didn't want, Josh asked, "I'm curious—what's your favourite thing about me?" He'd already asked what her favourite thing was about herself but he wanted an answer to this as well.

[NELL DOE DALE]

She bit her lip when he continued on about the bread, shifting in her chair. ”Sure,” she said. He’s so nice, he’s offering me food, why is he doing this to me? Nell didn’t want to feel the way she did right now, how she felt about her boyfriend. It just made it harder for her to push him away when she just wanted to keep him around. ”Yeah, I’ve had a lot of their seafood,” she said and almost winced because most of that was because they were the most expensive things on the menu and she had been deadset on draining her father’s bank account. She was doing her best to keep her mouth shut, even though she wanted to ramble on about what she’d ordered and how she had accidentally launched a piece of bread into an old lady’s hair with a spoon before. Nell shook her head. ”If only that were possible.” It was funny, with the knowledge they both had. He made her happy, why did she have to realize all these things when she was trying to withdraw. Because you love him. As she had for a while now, she hated her mind. Absolutely hated it. ”You’re so pleasant,” she told him in matters of one-upmanship. She clenched her jaw to keep herself from laughing at the word ‘creep’, The Lonely Island instantly coming to mind. Stop doing what you’re doing. She wished he could read her mind and hear those words and know just how bad he was making this. Omniscience would be appreciated at this point.

Especially when he nudged her, and she was still smiling and still wishing she would stop. And it was only natural to respond to why he enjoyed mornings the way she did, by saying, ”And now you’re being corny.” She tilted her head as if proving a point, her smile restrained for the sake of teasing. You’re doing it wrong. Even as her mind tried to rope her in and convince her that it wasn’t worth it, that the happiness she felt now wouldn’t matter in the end, she couldn’t stop. Nell didn’t have very good self-control or restraint when it came to not loving him. The love doesn’t go away, she remembered. The person does. It was so easy to bring herself down that way, and yet it was easier to listen to Josh and have him pick her up. She looked down at her toes in her heels and wriggled them. ”They have surgery for that? If only I’d known sooner.” And there she went. She was tempted to dig that heel into her other foot to get herself to stop having a good time. ”You can get a fake one. Or get a wooden peg.” She bent her pointer finger as she said this, not knowing which one she’d rather choose. But, like every ‘would you rather’ question, it was not a dilemma she’d have to face.

The question made her stall, every movement frozen. She didn’t show any abnormal reaction to his question, but she did feel a reaction. Because she knew all of the things she loved about him, and she didn’t want to think of them right now. “You’re making me choose one thing?” she said, unable to keep the smile from her face as she propped her chin up with her hand. She knew she shouldn’t be putting her elbows on the table when at a fancy restaurant, but that wasn’t what she was focused on at this point in time. This was opening up to him, this was thinking about how much she cared about him. There were too many things too narrow it down in her mind, so that made it a difficult question. First she thought of his attractiveness, and then his intelligence, and it all went downhill from there. Because then there was his loyalty and his constant support and his strength that made her feel safe. And she didn’t want to lose him, because he was the best person she knew. ”You’re a good person,” she told him, deciding that was the best way to sum up everything. Her defenses should have been up and she shouldn’t have been letting her emotions come through. ”That’s my favorite thing about you.” She was quick to move on though, quick to stifle the thoughts his question brought up, and it was her question now. ”Who’s your favorite artist?”

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua was not aware of how uncomfortable he was making Nell. If he had been, would he have stopped? He wanted her to feel normal and act normal and for their relationship to be normal as well. He didn't know how to go about ensuring that he got what he wanted and so he just tried to cling to everyday things like how Nell liked food and how he liked to joke with her and how much he loved her. It had worked so far for him. He was not currently worrying over whether or not she loved him because she appeared to be acting at least somewhat normal, even if she didn't go on and on about the food. Maybe she's just not in the mood to talk about it. He could go on and on about history, after all, but he wasn't going to hold a conversation about it all the time. He shrugged it off as nothing and moved on easily in their conversation, completely unaware of her misgivings about him. "Guilty," he agreed without shame when she accused him of being corny in return. He really did like the mornings for those reasons and so he didn't mind how cheesy it was. His mother's garden was an especially nice place to be in the mornings because it seemed like the colours stood out more in the brighter sunshine. "Pegs are for legs, Nell," he joked with a laugh. He glanced down at his hand and considered what it would look like if he stuck a wooden peg in place of his middle finger, frowning at it. "Yeah, I think I'm stuck being the eleven-toed mutant. I like my hands."

He smiled back at Nell. "Just one." He wasn't fishing for compliments here, he just wanted to know what it was about him that attracted Nell. He'd certainly done a lot for her but he was not sure what specific thing cemented it enough to keep them together. He wanted to cement things for real but didn't know if she felt the same way about that. At least her abstinence was not a problem any longer, even if they hadn't done much since then. She was going through the pain of losing her father. He figured that she'd get back to normal soon enough, he was just doing this to ensure she knew she could rely on him. He liked being there for his girlfriend, liked the feeling of being supportive. "That's oddly general," he said, though not sounding unhappy about it. "Don't I get to know what makes me a good person in your eyes?" He figured that she thought he was a good enough person given the fact that she'd stuck it out with him for this long but he was searching for something a little more specific than that. He didn't know if she'd give that to him or just leave it as it was. "I mean, I already know I'm amazing, but..." He trailed off and his gray eyes were light, his lips pulled into a smile that suggested his joking around. He didn't really have that big of an ego—though he did have one. He didn't think he was all that bad. Maybe in the beginning he'd had some doubts, but he was alright with himself at the moment.

"Artist?" Joshua repeated. "As in painter?" He did not have to think very hard on it. Josh was not an art enthusiast but they had a lot of art around the house, so he had a vague sense of appreciation for it. "I'm partial to Varley just because we've got some in the mansion," he explained. "I have one of his World War paintings." Being a history nut, Josh had been quite happy to take this off the hands of his father when it was offered. The painting had been sitting down in the basement and collecting dust—Donovan had been looking to sell it, but he'd first offered it to Josh in case he was interested. It hung on the wall in his room, on the stretch of wall between the door and his bed. Now it was his turn to question Nell again and he folded his hands as he thought about it, trying to come up with something good. He enjoyed this game quite a lot. Even learning the most pointless facts about Nell was fun for him. They might have been adults but silly little games like these were still highly entertaining. "Hmm. Do you prefer the heat or the cold?"

[NELL DOE DALE]

When he asked for elaboration, she blushed and scratched the back of her head. She knew she had a tendency to be sappy, and she didn’t want to do that now. But she did want to tell him what made him so great, just so he knew, because he was a wonderful person. Then why are you doubting him? The thing was that it wasn’t him, it was everyone. ”Well, you’re good to me, and you’re funny, and you’re loyal, and you let me order what I like even though it’ll make me fat.” The last part was a joke, because as she said the words she realized that she sounded like a child admitting why she liked her crush. And she hated feeling this way, she really, really did. She was still blushing when she said, ”You make me feel special.” That was why he was a good person to her. She didn’t know what he meant to anyone else, but she realized that he actually made her feel important when there were so many other people who should have loved her unconditionally and didn’t. Clearing her throat, she looked at the ceiling as she said, ”And we’re just going to move right along now because I believe I’ve been sappy enough.” She was a little embarrassed, but she did like Josh to know. Even though he was making her feel things that she shouldn’t when she was trying to move away from him, reminding her that there were too many good things about him to give up.

The reason she asked the question was because she was at least interested in art, she was interested most cultural things. She preferred the surrealism of Dali and Kandinsky’s abstracts because they were different interpretations of how people saw the world around them. The broke the mold of simple portraits and instead painted with their feelings. She liked that. She liked how people thought and wrote and painted. It made her feel connected. And now that was something she really appreciated—art and literature and culture was immovable, it couldn’t leave, it was always there. “You sure know how to pick the obscure ones,” she said, since she didn’t know who he was. Apparently a war artist. Don’t ask him more, she coached herself as her curiosity rose. She was like one of her kids at the daycare trying to restack a block castle after a collapse. Nell would love to discuss art with Josh, but she wa strying to keep her responses as minimal as possible, the questions simple and basic. He wouldn’t hurt me, the side the liked to defend Josh told her. Sometimes she felt like she had a devil and an angel on each shoulder, pulling her either way.

She took a sip of her water as she considered her answer for the next question. ”Heat,” she said. ”Flowers die in the cold. That’s why I’ve never really liked winter. But I’m fine with both.” She thought about it again, and dammit, you’re falling into his trap. Nell liked to think she was strong and she could stick to her convictions, but it was clear she was not. She liked to talk to Josh, but she tried to put a limit. ”But it’s easier to warm up then to cool off, so maybe I like the cold more…” That’s it, that’s enough. Maybe if she capped off how much she talked, that would be easier. She never had to do this, measure her words around him. It made her feel guilty. They said that they wouldn’t lie to each other anymore, so should she just come out and say that she was afraid? That she didn’t think she could keep everything together? No, it seemed it would be easier for her just to play this game like she always did and pretend that she was okay right now. ”Do you prefer the city or the country?” Another safe question, modeled after his own. No questions about their relationship, because that made her think about good things.

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua's smile was soft and light as she spoke, not caring about how cheesy it was. Nell was cute when she blushed and when she got all flustered by something he did or said. He liked that about her. And he also liked the fact that she did answer him rather than neglecting to elaborate. Loyal, he thought, touched. That's right. He felt an immense sense of loyalty toward her, like he'd do absolutely anything in the world to hang onto her. He was prepared to do so. That was why he had stuck through a trial for her, why he had stuck through depression and abstinence and lying and everything. You really couldn't help who you loved and you couldn't help loving them despite all their flaws and imperfections. He excused hers because she did the same for him. "Make you fat? Sometimes I wonder if your metabolism works like a trash compactor, Nell, because you're the farthest thing from fat I've ever seen and you eat more than I do." He knew she was joking and so his own tone was light and humorous as well, even though there was some truth behind his words. Not that he was complaining about his metabolism, for it was just as functional. He was mostly muscle and bones, his stomach flat and toned rather than loose and flabby. That was how he liked it. He worked out a lot and maintained a healthy diet so he supposed it was a product of his own care, as well. "You are special," he said, still smiling. "So I'm glad I can make you feel that way." He felt a giddy sort of happiness when she complimented him and now he was feeling a little sheepish too, glancing around to the other tables as his girlfriend stared at the ceiling. "Deal," he laughed.

He was not that phased by the fact that Nell named Varley as 'obscure'. Though the group that he belonged to were fairly well known to art students in Canada, his girlfriend was from another country and had been homeschooled to boot. Deciding to fill her in a little, he said, "Fredrick Varley, he's a Canadian artist from the Group of Seven. I could show you the painting I have some time—it's on the wall in my room at Mum and Dad's." It felt strange not saying 'my house' but he was determined to become accustomed. He lived with Nell now entirely by choice and he was happy for making that decision. It meant that he could spend a lot more time with her than he could have if they lived apart. He had a busy life, she had a job and school, they'd not get many hours alone otherwise. "I know all the big names too, of course, but Varley is a personal favourite because I grew up with that painting, I guess." He shrugged, leaving the rest up to interpretation. Not all of the paintings had a historical air to them but the ones that did were his favourites. He was pretty sure his parents had a few more pieces from the others in the group, too. They had a sort of "art hall" on the second floor that showcased some of the family favourites. A lot of the paintings in the long hallway were by Joshua's own great-something grandfather, the slightly insane painter. The largest had not fit and so had been hung in the dining room instead. Josh knew a lot about the paintings, sculptures and various other art pieces around the house because he asked a lot of questions.

When Nell started to shift her answer away from the cold, Josh leaned forward and touched her arm. "Are you sure about that?" he teased, letting the heat flow to his fingertips. "I think you might want to stay with the first one." His expression was mischievous as he spoke. It might not have made sense to anyone that might have been sitting around them but Nell had surely understood when she'd felt the sensation of warmth seeping through her arm. He was always careful to keep it mild, not wanting to cause any real pain or discomfort. He'd been told it actually had a pleasant feeling but of course it was a bit hard to do it to himself. "I'm not sure I can choose. I like both for different reasons. The mansion's secluded enough and surrounded by the wilderness so it feels like the country sometimes but I don't think I could ever actually live somewhere when there's no city nearby." He didn't live in the mansion, either, but he'd grown up in it and so it had the same difference. Cities were convenient and countries beautiful—Josh had always respected the balance that his childhood residence had created between the two. It had nice landscape without being millions of miles from the nearest mall or populated facilities. "What's your favourite scent?"

[NELL DOE DALE]

Nell gave a whole-hearted effort not to laugh when he compared her metabolism to a trash compactor. Of course she failed, because she didn’t lie when she said that she thought he was funny. She didn’t lie to him about anything she said. At least I can be honest about him, she thought, and even that wasn’t true. She was still hiding the fact that she was scared that something was going to happen to pull them apart. ”I prefer to believe I have the metabolism of a god,” Nell said. It was just as difficult to resist a joke as it was to laugh at his, so she just let it happen, still battling with these conflicting feelings. She tried to focus on something easy, like food. She liked food. She wasn’t talking as easily about it with Josh as she usually would because she was in a strange mood, and she didn’t know what she should be saying and what she shouldn’t. Should she just give up on the nonchalance? What would she do? Just let Josh in so that eventually he can do what everone else had done. Even when he said she was special, she didn’t know if she could believe very good about herself when she’d just fucked things up so badly between her and her father. Josh may have made her feel like that, but that didn’t mean she was actually special. People don’t leave special people, right? You kind of left your father, her conscience defended the man. But she wouldn’t have left. Not forever. And neither had he, she supposed. But that was a moot point now, because he just left again. It steeled herself just a bit, but not enough to keep her guard completely up.

Even though she hadn’t encouraged him in speaking of the artist, he did as if he could read her thoughts. Like he knew her better than what she tried to portray in her nonchalance. Not that she was doing really good at it anyway. ”Okay,” she said, almost wincing when he told her he could show her because this was not staying away from him. She could understand what he meant about the painter that she knew nothing about, but she tried to keep her mouth shut. I can’t do it. The warmth of his touch was certainly nice in the wintertime and it was a very good argument for liking heat better. However, she wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. She knew she should pull away to keep with the whole ‘distance’ thing she was trying to do, but she liked the heat, despite what she said next. ”Nah, I think I’m sticking with the latter,” she said with a smirk, lifting her eyebrow. Sometimess she wished she could be a Fire elemental just for the heat factor, but then she wouldn’t be an Earth, and she much preferred her own element. She listened to him talk about the fact that he didn’t think he could decide, and tried to pretend that she wasn’t as interested as she was. ”You get the best of both worlds then,” she said as she considered. Nell thought of her home, how Central Park was basically like paradise in the city. As an Earth elemental, she’d always prefer the country, even though she’d never lived there. She didn’t mind the city, of course, because she couldn’t mind anything.

Nell didn’t even realy have to think about the next question as she had to others, and smiled timidly as she thought of how much of a fatass she actually was. Better than not eating at all. There was some hesitation, because she knew she should stop doing this. ”Bacon.” She wished she could have had a childhood where that was a smell every morning that she could wake up to. And then when she thought of her childhood, she thought of another scent that she liked. ”And Ma Griffe. The perfume.” It may have seemed odd that she liked the smell of a woman who tortured her for years, but it was one of only nice memories of her mother that she had. It was pleasant, and she sometimes liked to think of that when she thought of her mother. She didn't want everything to be scary and dark about her past. It was nostalgic for her. ”You were expecting flowers, weren’t you?” she said lightly, forgetting that she shouldn’t say these things. She did like the smell of flowers, but the other two were the first things that came to mind. ”I guess I like a lot of scents.” That was true enough, and she felt as if she wasn’t very good at this game. She liked too many things to settle on one. And she didn’t mind telling Josh this. She kind of hated that. ”What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”

[JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE]

Joshua laughed as she smirked at him and insisted that she liked the cold better, then huffed and crossed his arms. "Fine, next time you need a space heater you can go out and buy one." He was only kidding of course. If Nell was ever cold he wouldn't think twice about manipulating the heat to put things right again, even if they were in the middle of a public place and he was worried about other people finding out. Her contentment came before his paranoia, after all. His mother had drilled into him that he should be cautious but she'd also told him how to treat a girl. It was funny looking back on it, seeing as he'd always told her the advice was pointless. "I'm not going to end up with anyone, we don't need this conversation." The words had never been bitter, just matter of fact. "We'll see," had been her reply. Looks like you win, Mum, he thought. He was not unhappy, for once, about admitting defeat. He liked that he'd been wrong about spending his life alone. The more he thought about it lately, the more he realised it would be terribly lonely to live your life without someone by your side. He supposed a close friend or roommate would work as well, or children, though you couldn't really have the latter without a relationship first. Unless you adopted. "Don't make me start singing, now," he said when she remarked on the 'best of both worlds'. It was actually quite amusing—whenever he was with others he hardly cracked jokes, but with Nell nearly every other word out of his mouth was joking around. He liked making her laugh.

He was not all that shocked when she named bacon, though he did smirk at the word. The perfume was of an unfamiliar name to him, not surprising seeing as he didn't know many of them to begin with. He didn't even know what fragrance Trish preferred by name, only that it was sweet and light and that it reminded him of her whenever anyone around him wore something that smelled similar. It was also expensive, of course. Much as she scolded her son and husband for frivolous purchases, her style was often just as pricey. He wondered sometimes if she realised she was being hypocritical but didn't really mind. "Perfume? Is it something that you own?" Nell was another female in his life whose perfume choices were not privy to him. They were one of the things that concerned him the least—he didn't care what she wore or applied within reason, it was her personality he found himself most attracted to. The fact that he considered her smoking hot was just a bonus. "Not really," he shrugged. "I mean, I really like the smell of matches and fire but I don't think every Fire elemental does. I also like peppermint." He liked the taste and the scent of it. It was why he kept the bowl of it by his bed. At my parents house, he added to himself. God, that's still weird. "Oh, and I like the smell of brownies or cupcakes, so I guess you're normal after all." Liking the smell of one's favourite food was quite ordinary. Hell, with Nell it was practically predictable.

"Damn it, Nell, now I'll need to order dessert." Though his tone was light and he wasn't actually angry with the question, he really was considering the idea of an ice cream dessert. Not that he didn't always order dessert anyway. He was a sucker for sweets of any kind and Northern Lights had a grand selection of delicious treats. He ordered the dessert last so that he didn't forget to eat his actual meal as well. Otherwise he'd be so gorged on candy and cake that he'd not have room for the main course. "I like mint chocolate chip, but my favourite was a special they bring back every now and then to that old ice cream parlour at the beach. Cupcake flavoured ice cream. It's literally the best thing I've ever tasted, ice cream wise at least." It was coloured in soft pinks, blues and whites, with sprinkles and chunks of actual cupcakes mixed in. The ice cream parlour was expensive but had large scoops and a delicious taste. He had gone there a lot as a child and had spent most of his time hanging around the tables and eating the stuff when his parents took his sister out to the ocean. "Oh, and dark chocolate. Some places don't have that, though." He supposed it was because 'chocolate' alone worked for most. "Aside from the ones you speak, what language—or languages, I suppose—do you like the most?"