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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 21, 2011 20:48:32 GMT -5
She stayed in the kitchen for a bit, feeding Pablo when he pulled the universal cat-symbol of wanting to be fed by rubbing against her legs. All the while, she really tried to calm her nerves, but she wasn’t getting very far. Already having been anxious about Josh, her aunt had to come along and fucking attack him and now everything was just out of funk. Not a very comfortable feeling. Shepherd’s pie would be very good for her right now, but she didn’t really feel like cooking. Top ramen it was, and she sat down on her futon, feeling it sink a bit under her weight. Well…that’s not too good. But right now, she was more concerend about Josh and what he was going to say. This would be the coup de grace of their relationhip, wouldn’t it? She’d screwed up—she didn’t know how, but she understood with her naivete it was a great possibility—and now Josh didn’t want to be around her. Nothing will scare him away, he said. Not even whatever she’d said wrong to chase him off? Not even Jane? Not even her? She almost felt too sick to eat, but she sat cross-legged on the futon and Pablo jumped up to curl himself up in the circle of space created by the gap, chowing down on ramen and behaving as nonchalantly as possible.
Nell was expecting Josh to explain to her that she had said something that made him want to distance himself from her, or something that made him uncomfortable. She was expecting him to tell her that maybe they shouldn’t go out with each other and a culmination of other terrible thoughts that circled her brain like buzzards. But what he said made those buzzards stop mid-flight. Kicked…out? ”That’s terrible,” she said, refraining from apologizing. The words were still genuine, she’d be damned before she let something insincere pass her lips to someone she cared about. Someone who’d been avoiding her. That…that doesn’t make sense. He had been kicked out before, she knew from when he told her about Angel. That was before they were even friends, but he still interacted with her. ”What happened?” she asked, still trying to sort her thoughts out. Her face didn’t show it—it remained frank and wide-eyed as it usually was, except without much of a smile. Why would she smile when her boyfriend had been kicked out?
She really didn’t know what to make of the situation, and she didn’t like the feeling. It was something she’d become familiar with—powerlessness. Because there was nothing she could do for Josh, or say to Josh, there wasn’t anything to fix this. Josh didn’t elaborate, so she was mostly at a lost. It felt like when she’d been learning to swim over the summer and had practiced just floating on her back, staying afloat—and then looking around to realize she wasn’t where she had started off. ”Is that why…” Nell didn’t finish that before going on. ”Because you were uh…stressed?” Even she realized that it was a bit unreasonable. But she…didn’t really know what to do. Or what to think. He was so…closed-off. More than usual, and that was saying a lot. ”I would have understood,” she added softly, like something spoken that may not have been meant to be beard. Would she have? She didn’t know, because she didn’t know anything. Circumstances were lost on her, and she was drifting in a lake, just a thousand times more uncomfortable.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 22, 2011 8:33:58 GMT -5
Nell asked him what happened and Joshua didn't feel like he was ready to tell her about all of that quite yet. His mind immediately went on the defensive and he was shaking his head before he'd even fully processed her question. I don't want to talk about it, he thought, but didn't open his mouth to say this aloud. He feared that if he tried to voice his concerns he wouldn't be able to find his voice. This was turning out to be more difficult than even he'd thought it would be. Getting kicked out was just the icing on the cake; it was the reason he'd been kicked out that stopped his honesty in its tracks. He didn't want to lie to Nell. It's not lying if I just don't tell her why, he tried to justify himself. Still, there was further guilt added to the growing pool as he realised that she might start making up reasons in her head. Whatever people don't know they tended to invent and he didn't want her to make it worse than it was... but then again, what could be worse? Joshua had been kicked out because she was a murderer who was on the run from the law. There really wasn't any softening that or dancing around the issue. I just won't say anything. He couldn't meet her eyes, so he looked away and twisted his hands uncomfortably in his lap. He wanted to apologise for his silence but again couldn't exactly figure out how. He wasn't good at apologising and he felt as if he'd done enough of that since they'd run into one another again--too much and Nell would think he wasn't being sincere. All the same, he couldn't keep up the smiling 'I'm absolutely fucking wonderful' act either. She certainly wouldn't buy that he was fine after he'd just told her Daddy dearest kicked him out, would she?
He shook his head. No, she wouldn't have understood. Not if he'd just been avoiding her out of stress at least. It would normally have been the opposite sort of reaction from Joshua. If Donovan had kicked him out simply because they'd had an argument one of his first moves would have been to call Nell or to drop by in order to have the companionship. It was easier to calm down and relax when he was around Nell, like her personality had a positive affect on his mood simply by being in the same room as he was. He opened his mouth to say something and then sharply closed it again. This was it. There was no other way around it. Anything he said was at risk for making things worse anyway, so Joshua simply said, "He found out, Nell." It was all he could manage for a moment, and the silence that followed was incredibly uncomfortable. His throat felt constricted and his stomach was in knots. He both wanted to tell her everything and nothing at all. His head was pounding from the pressure. How do I put this lightly? Even the thought was laced with scathing sarcasm. There was no way. "My father," he clarified at last, just in case she hadn't figured it out on her own quite yet. "He found out about... about what happened in America." He couldn't bring himself to say 'He knows that you offed your Mum', so he hoped that Nell would infer what that meant. She had no reason not to. After all, Josh didn't know much about her life in America except for that she'd killed her mother and fled here.
After a few seconds he realised how bad this might have looked. His father had discovered that Nell was both a murderer and a fugitive and chucked him out and then he'd done everything in his power to avoid her? Joshua had no desire to make Nell feel as if this was her fault--except it was--or that he had anything against her because of it. He hadn't been having second thoughts about her but it might have looked like that from outside perspective, so he said, "I don't regret it, you know." Finally he managed to look at her, his gray eyes unreadable as he fought to keep his expression steady. It worked--Joshua appeared as calm as ever. The only indication that he was going through some sort of turmoil was the fact that his hands, still together in his lap, were trembling slightly. "I don't regret... this." He gestured around vaguely, though he was indicating their relationship. Figuring he might as well get it over with now that the shit had hit the proverbial fan, he inhaled and said, "He doesn't approve. Told me I could either stop seeing you or leave the house, so... well, I left." He realised that it had been stupid to go about avoiding her after he'd chose her over his own damned family but Josh had never claimed to be the best decision maker on the planet. He was very bright, but often times that didn't extend to the personal choices he made for himself. "I didn't really know how to tell you, so..." Josh trailed off, shrugged, and then fell silent. The awkwardness that he felt was unbearable and he wondered if Nell was experiencing the same feeling.
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TAGGED && Nell Doe Shepherd OUTFIT && click with click. his lamborghini looks like this. WORD COUNT && Didn't count 'em. NOTES && CREDIT && Taylor
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 22, 2011 17:40:10 GMT -5
Nell turned her head a bit, not understand who ‘he’ was or what he found out. But she waited patiently. Even though she felt somewhat ill because of this entire situation. Even though she was scared she would lose Josh to whatever it is that he was going to tell her. What happened in America. Nell felt the cold fingers of fear slipping around her heart and giving it a good squeeze. For a long while, she didn’t know what to say. Just sat there, like a stunned animal. Josh’s father knew. She took time to let that fact sink in. She didn’t know what to do with that information. Because this was how it worked—she ran and left her past behind and that’s where it should have stayed. For a while, it had remained that way. It was her dirty little secret, what she did before coming to the Academy—she lived her life as anyone else would have, didn’t think that anything would catch up to her. For a while, she believed herself to be invincible. And by mistake, really, Josh had been the only one to become privvy to the information. That was how it worked—with secrets. It didn’t work in the way that her boyfriend’s father could just find out.
She looked at Josh carefully, and his calm demeanor, always calm. There were a few things she wanted to ask, and then she scrapped that, and then tried to come up with something else to say. Even as she searched her brain, there was the problem that she felt she couldn’t speak right then. ”How…” It was difficult to get the word out. The fear reached up into her throat to choke her. ”How did he find out?” She could assume that Josh hadn’t told him. No, Nell had trusted him with that secret. But it’s not a secret. Here, it was. Back in America, too. Media fed into it for a while because it was such an interesting story to capture attention (teenage girl brutally murders her mother!). ”I know it was probably on the news before…but in America. And that was a while ago.” Her voice was shaking, and she realized that she was shaking too. Someone here knows, someone she didn’t tell. She felt very unsafe, even moreso than usual. What must Donovan think of her? Probably thinks you’re some psychopath. The thought made her stomach hurt. She wasn’t a psychopath or dangerous or anything—she wasn’t. But she knew that Josh’s father might not believe that.
Nell placed the cup of ramen on the floor, and to keep herself busy she scratched behind Pablo’s ears. She met his eyes, and shook her head slightly to show that she didn’t understand what he meant by ‘this’. He was being very vague, and as slight panic claimed her it was even harder than usual to decipher him. Then she got it, and it made her feel terrible. Why didn’t he regret it? Rational people should regret getting mixed up with a murderer, but Josh… She didn’t know what to say that, because if she could phrase what she truly felt it would have been something along the lines of ‘Why can’t you regret it? Why the hell do you even bother?’ The feeling redoubled with his explanation of what happened. His father had forced him to choose between the house and her and… Nell felt many emotions at once—remorse, confusion, panic, regret, love. And she didn’t know how to organize it correctly into words. ”You…you should have stayed.” Her voice was quiet. But is that really what you want? It wasn’t about her. It was about Josh and the fact that the decisions she had made in the past were affecting him now. ”Don’t get me wrong, I really…I’m glad that you…” No, there really was no way to tell him how bad she felt about this. ”I’m so sorry,” she said in a whisper, forcing herself not to push Pablo away so she could curl up in a more defensive position. She was sorry for a lot of things, but mostly for what she was. A murderer and a fugitive and someone his father had every right to disapprove of. ”I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want you to have to…” She stopped herself again, trying not to imagine how Josh must have felt because it made her feel even worse. At that moment, Nell felt like the lowest of the low. She didn’t even care that Josh had avoided her—she would avoid herself if she wasn’t stuck inside her body.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 22, 2011 18:26:59 GMT -5
Joshua shook his head slowly. "He wouldn't say." It was an uncomfortable admission. Josh wished that he had pressed Donovan for more details on the way he'd unearthed this information about Nell but he'd been so caught up in the shock and confusion of the situation that he'd just let himself get riled up and drop the fact that his father hadn't told him much beyond the fact that he knew. "I never said anything," Josh clarified, not wanting Nell to think that he'd brought this up around his parents. It would certainly have been a charming addition to the dinner table. 'Hi, Dad. My girlfriend's a fugitive on the run from the law--how was your day?' or 'Nell killed her mother--pass the salt?' No, it certainly wasn't something that he could talk about conversationally. "There was nothing... nothing that could give it away." He seemed confused as his brows pulled together to shatter the forced calm of his expression, shaking his head. He could think of nothing he'd ever said to reveal that Nell was on the run from the law. And it wasn't like he and Nell had loud phone conversations about the matricide. No, they'd only ever talked about it on rare occasions and Josh had kept that information under lock and key. He wondered who else she had told but then reminded himself that these people weren't likely to go spreading the information to someone like Josh's father. If people were really concerned they would contact the police, right? He wasn't sure what to make of this and it was giving him an even worse pounding in his head than he already had.
He shook his head again when she mentioned that it had been on the news, though he did manage to force the calm back into his expression. It was so much easier to pretend that he was 'calm' than to allow his features to act like an aerial for his mood. He knew that he could not hide the fact that he was upset from Nell even if he'd been smiling--she knew him too well for that. No, he just didn't want to cause any more distress than was necessary. "If it were on the news he'd have mentioned it much sooner," Josh said. "He's not one for subtlety, my father." Though he had tried to refrain from doing so, he allowed bitterness to saturate these words. He was remembering everything Donovan had ever said about how his son was a shame to their family name, before and after Nell. I hope he's happy. He doesn't have a son to belittle and humiliate any more. I can't be a stain upon the family when I'm not a part of it. He knew that soon would come Nell's wave of regret, but just because he predicted it did not mean he had some sort of a plan to handle it. "Don't," he said softly, raising a hand to caution her. "Don't apologise. I've made my choice, okay?" He didn't want to have her feeling guilty about this and he also didn't want to consider whether or not he regretted his decision. There was a part of him, he knew, that wanted the creature comforts of the mansion. He was trying his best to reject that part of himself. This is your girlfriend, asshole. You're supposed to care about her, not shiny cars and bank accounts. Yet he couldn't help but long for what he'd lost.
Josh sighed softly and ran a hand through the back of his dark hair. He was still shaking but he felt more worn out than anything, no longer as panicked as he had earlier. It was done, he had told her, and unless she planned to break up with him in the next five minutes he was pretty sure their relationship was intact. So then why was he not satisfied? He knew why. Because he didn't know what he was going to do. Informed as she now was about his shiftiness in the past two weeks, Nell couldn't really do anything about the fact that he was kicked out. He was still very much homeless and very much broke. The Lamborghini couldn't run on air and the gas in the tank did not come cheap. He couldn't get his old job back (he'd tried and failed miserably) and the only place he could see himself working was at the hospital. His father's hospital. Joshua could not bring himself to show up there under any circumstances. "I shouldn't have avoided you because of this," he acknowledged. It wasn't quite an apology but it was certainly as close to one as he was going to be able to get. Joshua was still Joshua and his pride was still making this difficult. "It was rather pointless seeing as I left so that I wouldn't have to, but..." Joshua trailed off and shrugged, acting nonchalant as if it didn't matter. It mattered, he just didn't want to show any sign of weakness. Then, just to make sure she knew one thing for certain, he concluded, "I'm not going back." Gray eyes blinked at her. "I don't care that I have nowhere to go; I won't give that... that bastard the satisfaction of knowing..." He shook his head sharply and didn't finish, though it was quite obvious what he'd meant. 'I won't let him win'.
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TAGGED && Nell Doe Shepherd OUTFIT && click with click. his lamborghini looks like this. WORD COUNT && Didn't count 'em. NOTES && CREDIT && Taylor
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 22, 2011 19:54:27 GMT -5
Nell was a personal person. It was hard to acknowledge the fact, then, that a very personal part of her life was on display for the public. Of course, the truth was warped and twisted, but still, there was one undeniable fact—she’d murdered her mother. It was a fact that was printed in paper and on the internet, free for anyone to see. And she had the stigma now, and—even if she manages to be stay free after the trial—there will always be that fact attached to her. Whenever someone looked at her, they would see ‘murderer’ on her face. ”I didn’t think so,” she said somberly, her eyes moving across the floor as if tracing some kind of design. ”I’m not surprised really,” she said, a bitter laugh ending the sentence. ”I just can’t…run. People are bound to find out.” She’d tried running, and her past decided to creep up on her in the form of her father and her aunt and the realization that eventually—no matter how long she put it off—she’d have to face the music. Right now, she was accepting that Donovan could have found out easily enough. She was a murderer—it felt like something that people should know about her first. It was a secret she hated keeping from her friends, but she didn’t know if a lot of them would be like Josh. If they would stay with her. No matter how many times Josh had explained it, she still didn’t understand.
Especially now. She felt it was completely justified to avoid her, even though it was strange considering that he had been kicked out because he’d wanted to be with her. Nell nodded, and she realized how much the anxiety and stress was exhausting her. She’d been doing a lot of worrying lately, and even though she was glad to have heard the truth from Josh, it didn’t make her feel much better. ”All right,” she said quietly even though she wanted apologize a thousand times over for killing her mother, and running away, and even meeting him. Because then, he wouldn’t have been kicked out and he’d be with his family and it’d be okay. No, she had to come along and wreck it for him. And she felt selfish for not wanting him to leave. ”I won’t apologize anymore.” The words were resigned. She felt like a reprimanded child, and almost resented that he wouldn’t let her apologize. Why don’t you hate me like you should? Why couldn’t he have just told his father that he would break up with her so that he wouldn’t have to be on his own? Nell never would have blamed him. Because, in just a few months, it might not even matter. She could be rotting in prison, and what he’d done would have been completely pointless. Would his father take him back if she ended up in jail? She didn’t know, didn’t want to consider it. Because then she’d have to think about being in jail, and that wasn’t a happy thought.
Nell shrugged lightly when he spoke. She didn’t want to be brushing off, but there was inner turmoil she was trying to work through, and at that moment it wasn’t allowing for speech. Until she said, ”I’m not mad.” She couldn’t be mad at Josh for getting kicked out. She was mad at herself, and there was so much self-loathing that she wished she could just crawl out of her skin for a day. Or sleep, so she could forget about it. Unfortunately, thoughts and memories always found away around the subconscious barrier—nightmares were no fun, not when they stemmed from buried histories. She opened her mouth, to say something, then closed it and picked at a piece of fuzz on her blanket for a moment. Pablo was still purring in her lap. ”I…want to help,” she said, and almost winced after she spoke. Josh didn’t like help, she knew that. She felt stupid for even saying it, but he didn’t have anywhere to go and she knew his homelessness was her fault so she felt like she had to help him somehow. And she wanted to tell him to go back to his father and break up with her so he wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. But he had too much pride for that, too, she guessed. "If you want it, that is."
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 23, 2011 15:29:35 GMT -5
Joshua couldn't really think of anything to say following the bitter laugh from Nell's direction. He felt bad for her and he also felt like he should have worked to prevent this in some way, but Josh wasn't the type to blame himself for things that weren't his fault. He knew that he couldn't control his father and the things that Donovan did. He knew that he'd given no indication that his girlfriend was a murderer, not even casually. He didn't talk to his father much and so talk of Nell was even less common. Josh wanted to say something helpful or supportive but nothing clicked in his mind as being a good place to start. He knew that his father would not 'come around' and he knew that if other people found out, a lot of them would react the same way. His girlfriend was a murderer and he was going to have to get used to what that meant. People were eventually going to get wind of this, especially with the impending trial, and when they got wind of it they were going to judge her. He wasn't sure how he was going to deal with that when it happened. He knew that he loved Nell and he knew that he would stay, but it was an uncomfortable thought. What if certain paths were blocked for him because of her? If people judge me for dating her they're just as bad as my father, he thought stubbornly, pushing the thought from his mind. Thinking all these negative things about his relationship with Nell was not good for Joshua. He didn't want to inject further doubt into himself. I'm sure about her, I'm just not so sure about all of this baggage.
His lips twitched but he couldn't manage a smile--as relieved as he was that Nell was not angry with him, this was all a lot to take in. Exhaling slowly, Joshua pinched the bridge of his nose and wished that his headache would take a hike. "Do you have any Advil?" he asked, almost apologetically. He hated to ask anyone for anything but it would be much easier to talk to his girlfriend when it didn't feel like life was cleaving his skull apart. He'd always suffered severe headaches, ever since he was a kid. Coupled by the random bouts of transient insomnia, it could be quite the troubling situation. Still, Josh suffered his pain without bothering anyone else about it. He didn't like sympathy, he didn't like pity, he certainly didn't like accepting assistance. He had his father's pride and--damnit, I want to be nothing like that man. He used to be proud when he was told that he was 'so much like Donovan'. He had looked up to the man, aspired to be like him. Now such thoughts made him sick. He looked at Nell when she said that she wanted to help him, instinctively shaking his head. "I'm handling it," he insisted. He couldn't ask Nell for anything, his pride immediately put up the walls and told him adamantly that he was shit out of luck and that he was not going to be able to lean on anyone for support.
However, he was then forced to reflect on how royally fucked he really was. He had no home, an expensive car, no job and no money. Nell had a job and a lot of money--only some of which was hers. It was humbling to think that Nell, who had always been much less showy with her money than he was, now classified as the more fortunate one. Fortune. Huh. The thought that he was no longer the heir to the significant Dale family fortune was a strange thought. He didn't quite know what to think about this yet. His entire life had been structured around the ideals he'd grown up with--he would live in a mansion, drive nice cars and have a good job to boot. He had always aspired for it to be this way. Where did he go from here? I don't even want to think about it. His expression contorted for a moment. He didn't want to admit that he needed anything for her, but Nell was really the only person he could rely on at the moment. "Alright," he said, and it was with an air of great difficulty. The words didn't seem to want to come. "I'll... maybe... maybe I do need... some sort of... help." The word was voiced with such regret and disgust. He hated himself for asking but knew he didn't have a choice. "I've never really... lived like this before." He averted his gaze, unable to help himself. Before when he'd been chucked out he'd still had several thousand dollars in his pocket and managed to get a job. He was at least 'alright' then. Now he had nothing. It was difficult to admit.
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TAGGED && Nell Doe Shepherd OUTFIT && click with click. his lamborghini looks like this. WORD COUNT && Didn't count 'em. NOTES && CREDIT && Taylor
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 23, 2011 18:29:01 GMT -5
Instantly, Nell was on alert when Josh asked for Advil. ”Uh…yeah, yeah!” She said, picking up Pablo from her legs and plopping him down on the bed. He stared a few moments before starting every cat’s obssessively hygenic washing habits. In the bathroom, she got the bottle from the medicine cabinet, taking a few minutes to collect herself from the revelation that Josh had gotten kicked out because of her—no, she still couldn’t fully grasp that her life had affected someone else’s like that. I’m really so sorry, Josh. She wished she could somehow make it all go away, as much as she told herself not to dwell on her past. If she could turn back time, she wouldn’t have killed her mother. But that would mean she’d have died. And she didn’t want that. Do not think about it. But she couldn’t get by ignoring it anymore, not when Jane was around making sure that she knew damn well what she did. Making sure she never forgot. Orestes had the Furies, she had her aunt. I don’t want to think about it. But it was right there whenever she looked in the mirror, and she was always surprised not to see the word ‘murderer’ branded into her forehead.
But upon returning to Josh with the bottle, she managed to reclaim her mask of happiness. She was smiling. It was okay. Not even shaking, that was good. If she held up the illusion like she usually did, it would be fine. If she convinced herself, she’d better be able to support her boyfriend. She honestly could care less about what negative effects it was having on her—the devastating part was knowing Josh had his life ripped away from him and… Stop. Please stop. ”Here,” she said with that smile. I’m a murderer and there’s no escaping it. The thought circled again and again in her head, so unbidden and unwanted she just yearned for the ability to shut her brain down. Alcohol is good for that, she thought wryly. It shut down your brain and brought you close to dying, but she wasn’t that morbid. Nell had sacrificed someone else’s life to keep living, and though that philosphical notion hadn’t been considered at the time, she wasn’t about to turn and do something stupid that would make it all not worth it. She didn’t want to kill her mother. But she also didn’t want anyone to find out, and it seemed that nothing worked in her favor. She used to be somewhat okay with that, at least when she didn’t think about it—until there was Josh, and things changed. Sitting back down, Pablo ignored her for the stability of the stationary futon. ”If you want anything else, just ask. I have a remedy usually for hangovers, but it could do just as well with headaches.” She was assuming it was a headache because of the request for Advil, and she didn’t blame him. Of course not, can you blame him for anything? The answer to that sarcastic remark was simple.
Nell couldn’t at all understood what it was like for Josh. She’d been in dire straights her entire life, so when her father came along it was more overwhelming that anything to suddenly have money at her fingertips. She wasn’t raised with her family’s money and power and influence and Josh was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. She tried her best not to think of how devastating that must have been for him, because it just increased the feeling that she should get a shovel and bury herself. But she understood from her history of living in the projects, that it wasn’t easy. And she wanted to make it easier for him. Not only ecause she felt obligated, but because that’s what she loved to do—she wanted to help people, more than anything. And so, she cheered up when Josh retracted his statement, very laboriously. ”I can offer any kind of help,” she said, and the happiness in her tone was more sincere this time around. She couldn’t forget what she’d indirectly done to Josh, it was still creeping on the boundaries of her mind, but she didn’t want to stay unhappy. That’s when things turned sour. ”And remember, any kind of money…it’ll be my father’s. And he doesn’t like you very much. Not that he even matters.” She wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. ”I guess that makes both of our fathers, huh.” Apparently Donovan hadn’t approved of her—with good reason—and Nell’s father didn’t approve of Josh. Especially now that he knew they were going out. And the irony was not lost on her, considering the fact that she was the murderer in the situation and she should have been the one her father was worrying about, not Josh. ”Anyway, consider it some way of getting at him.” She just wanted to make this easier for her boyfriend, and giving him an excuse to make it easier for him, well, she’d do it. Nell was pretty sure the feeling was mutual between the two, so she used that to her advantage. ”And anything else, really.” Her tone was as genuine as ever because she wanted to do anything she could for him.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 23, 2011 19:26:55 GMT -5
Joshua noticed that Nell took a few minutes in the bathroom and he wondered absently what she could be doing, staring at his hands. They were still trembling slightly but he felt more tired and drained than anything now. I just want to sleep, he thought. He wanted to shut down and just not think about this any more. Josh usually didn't ignore his problems and shove them away--he was far too pessimistic for a comfortable ignorance--but right now he was sure he'd have given anything to just pretend the world was fine. He was saved most of his despair by the return of Nell with the desired pills and he tried a smile as she handed them over. It didn't really work, but points for effort at least? "Advil's fine," he insisted when she suggested other remedies. He'd tried some pretty strange remedies at parties and when he woke up in the houses of people he didn't know and he'd always just resolved to trusting the standard. Speaking of hangovers, a drink would have been nice right about now. He considered making a sarcastic remark to Nell about this but held his tongue. He didn't want Nell to think he was serious about going out and drowning his sorrows with drink. He had done that once when he had no one to turn to but he had to keep reminding himself that he was back with Nell now and that she could go on being his confidant as always.
Running on this train of thought, he said, "I missed you." They had exchanged these words earlier but this time Joshua let the sincerity leak into his tone. The words were like the apologies that he could not voice. It really had been hell trying to avoid her for the past two weeks and he wanted Nell to understand that it really had just been an idiotic decision on his part--she'd said that she didn't blame him and that she wasn't angry, but a part of Josh felt like this was not enough. She should be angry. People who loved one another weren't supposed to avoid each other. He kissed her, the gesture a way of making up for the absolute lack of contact ever since his father had kicked him out. It helped a little to solidify his decision, at least. I may not be sure about everything, but I'm sure about her. Though he was sure that Nell would have appreciated these words aloud, it wasn't so easy to say them. So he just hoped that his mood could be conveyed through the little things. He might be in a bad situation right now but that didn't change anything between them (or so he hoped) no matter how much his father hated her. Hell, Trish could hate her too. Annabel could want her dead. He wished for his family's approval just as anyone who'd grown up close to them might but in understanding that he likely would not have it, he could learn to move on. "Have you been doing okay?" He didn't want this to be all about him. Sure, he had gotten kicked out but he wanted to make sure that nothing too drastic had happened in the fourteen-some-odd days that they'd been separated. A lot could change in two weeks, he knew that. His life had been turned upside down in a day.
Her cheerfulness when it came to the subject of helping him made Joshua rather uncomfortable. Not because she was offering help--no, he understood that she was a helpful person and thus this was just natural for Nell. It was more the fact that he didn't know how to go about this that discomfited him. It was very hard to share in her smiling and bubbly demeanour right now and Joshua hoped (he seemed to be doing a lot of that) that she didn't take it the wrong way. He wasn't ungrateful for her assistance--hell, no--just unsure. He managed the faintest hint of a smirk when she reminded him about her father's distastes. "I suppose that does make it a little better," he said dryly. He was only half-serious. It was a little better knowing that it was not Nell he was inconveniencing but her dick of a father instead, but at the same time this was still reliance of some sort. He'd always felt himself to be of the proud, stubborn sort. "Do you think... could I maybe stay here sometimes?" It was clearly not an easy thing for him to ask her--already the apology was spreading itself across his features. He really had nowhere to go but the Academy and it would be much more of a relief to spend time over at Nell's rather than in the dormitories where he seemed to irk his fellow Fires simply by being in their collective presence. "Just--just as long as it doesn't... doesn't cause any problems... with you, or anything." He finished this and rubbed at the back of his neck. I will make this up to her... somehow, he thought stubbornly. When things are alright again. But when would they be alright? That remained to be seen.
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TAGGED && Nell Doe Shepherd OUTFIT && click with click. his lamborghini looks like this. WORD COUNT && Didn't count 'em. NOTES && CREDIT && Taylor
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 23, 2011 22:15:15 GMT -5
Josh repeated the words he had spoken in the parking lot, and her lips twitched into a wider smile. ”I missed you too,” she said softly, returning the kiss and realizing in that moment just how much she’d actually missed him. Josh was a big part of her life, and it was especially distressing not to have him around when Jane showed up and when her birthday rolled around and she was too damn nice to turn her father down without good reason. She relied on Josh and his presence in her life, and now that she had him back she fully appreciated how crappier everything was without him. But she didn’t want it to be like this. She didn’t want him to be disowned because of something she wished she could keep separate from her life now. Don’t apologize, he told you not to. He asked her how she’d been, and she didn’t know how to respond for a moment. Nell hesitated before shrugging. Just like she knew him well, he could probably read her. Especially since Jane had popped up and it was very clear what her intentions were, no matter how she denied them. ”I’m…all right. I was great until Jane showed up and started harrassing me, especially when my birthday came, and she just…” Nell sighed, stopping herself before going into a tangent. She didn't appreciate the barely-veiled swipes at Tilly. And it took all the self-control Nell had not to say something about Mia in front of her father. Nellook a moment before she felt she need to clear up something, ”I don’t think she’d actually kill me, I know it looked back. But…you saw how she is.” The woman was not above violence, and if it was possible Nell might have hated her aunt even more for laying a hand on Josh.
Picking up on a bit of Josh’s discomfiture, she almost wanted to retract her offer. Almost. After all, all she wanted was for him to actually be happy and he clearly wasn’t happy now. But then she reminded herself of what he was going through and that just beause she wanted to assist him didn’t mean he’d all of a sudden be sunshine and butterflies. ”Well good,” she chirped, still sincere. ”And honestly, you’ll be helping me out too. So just think of it like that.” Even though she didn’t think of it as help because just as Josh had his independence, she had hers. Nell wondered whether or not she should clarify on that statement, but decided that she shouldn’t. A dirty little secret of hers had gotten him kicked out—he didn’t need to be dealing with another. Though she wasn’t really sure if she should consider it a secret. From her friends, yes, but her father most likely noticed by now that there had been a rather significant drain on his funds. And she hoped he noticed, because that was her goal. Strangely enough, though, she wasn’t as bitter as she usually felt toward him. Now her venom was being used for Jane. Nell would have laughed at the way Josh asked if he could stay sometimes, if he seemed more…comfortable.
Her mood lifted even more when he asked if he could stay over. He was actually relying on her. Oh, happy day. Hopefully he realized that she wasn’t just doing it out of courtesy or obligation, even though guilt factored into it, too. ”Anytime you want! Mi casa, tu casa.” Use of the familiar ‘tu’ just emphasized her point. She really wanted to do whatever she could, and in her head the mantra of ‘I’m sorry’ just kept repeating like a record loop. ”Course, I don’t mind…” her voice trailed off as she scanned the small space, and tilted her head to look back at Josh. ”More worried about you minding this place. The couch is comfortable though. The floor is good…with blankets.” This must have been a very significant change from his usual life. After all, his mansion could fit more than twenty of her apartments. And now he was simply homeless. She remembered that he had an apartment before, and even that had been bigger than this. But really, his other option was hotels and she didn’t think he had that much money if he was asking her for help. No, she was pretty damn sure—if he didn’t think it a necessity, he wouldn’t have asked, would he? ”And uh…you need to be a little careful…walking around.” She wrinkled her nose. God, she needed a new apartment.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 24, 2011 10:20:40 GMT -5
Of course, the moment Joshua heard the words 'my birthday' from her lips he immediately regretted ever avoiding her at all. A flicker of alarm and then distress passed through his gray gaze and his brows pulled together as he frowned. "I missed your birthday?" Damn, did he ever feel like an asshole now! Then again, in his own defence she'd never told him the exact date. She'd said the month when he'd asked her when she was turning eighteen but she'd never told him the exact date. Still, he felt that he should have paid this a little more mind. This was his girlfriend and considering she'd hung out with him on his birthday all the way back in April it only seemed fair that he should have returned the favour. "I'm sorry," he managed to say reluctantly, knowing that this truly did deserve an apology. He wanted to insist that he hadn't known the date and that he definitely would have at least called her if he'd known, but excuses didn't seem like a very good or honourable idea right now. "Will you let me make it up to you?" There was a painful lump in his throat as he asked, wondering if she was bitter and irritated with him about that. Of course, Nell was neither the type to be bitter or the sort of person to get irked over the little things like that, but it wasn't like he'd just forgotten the date--no, he hadn't even hung out with her on that day, barring the celebration of an occasion. "Anything you want." Of course, that was less literal and extensive than usual. Joshua tended to say anything and mean anything--within reason. He usually had a vast budget and all. Right now he was broke, homeless and disowned... but if it was in his power to get anything for her, he would. He felt as if he owed her this.
He tried to laugh when she reminded him that he'd be helping her out, but it came out as rather dry and humourless. As much as he hated her father and would enjoy inconveniencing him on any other occasion, this was different. This felt like relying on the slimy bastard whom Joshua so hated and it was going to take a bit of getting used to, at least until he worked out what the fuck he was going to do about a steady income. He'd always just been the heir to a fortune, never having to worry about supporting himself beyond remembering to pay bills, not concerning himself about where he'd get the cash. He could make career and lifestyle changes if he wanted to. Drop out of school? No problem. The money could allow him to live comfortably for the rest of his life and he had been set to inherit the mansion as well. He'd been set for life. It was difficult to try and make Nell understand this, so he just said, "I've never had to face something like this before." Getting kicked out the first time had been different. That had simmered down after a while and his father hadn't actually disowned him. His name had still been down for inheritance and the like, he'd just need to wait until his father offed it rather than having full access. This was... well, exactly as it sounded. He'd checked with the bank to see if he had access and found it had been severed the very same day they'd had the argument. So much for hope. "Forgive me if I'm a little... unenthusiastic." He had nothing against Nell or the way that she lived, but it wasn't like this was a cheery slumber party or anything. Hopefully she'd understand.
There was at least one up side--it wasn't like he'd never slept on the couch or inhabited a less-than-extravagant abode. His previous fondness for partying had thankfully trained him in the art of crashing with strangers and a lot of them had lived in conditions of downright squalor. At least Nell was neat and she didn't leave a bunch of garbage and empty beer bottles lying around like some people, and the air wasn't thick with the stench of sick. No, he'd do fine... it was just the fact that it wasn't as temporary as he'd like that was eating away at him. Even once he got his own place to stay (when that would be, he didn't know, and he couldn't ask Nell for that) he wouldn't automatically return to rich kid status. No, he'd probably live much like Nell had in the very beginning--no furniture, cramped kitchen, the works. It wasn't something he looked forward to. "I don't mind," he said. "At least there's company." He touched her arm lightly to indicate that he was talking about Nell herself. That was true--she'd be a definite perk of hanging around here. However, he was wary about what she said next. "... Oh?" he asked, with the air of someone unsure that they really wanted to know. He cast around but couldn't really think of what she might mean, so he just gave her an inquiring but cautious look and waited for her to explain.
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TAGGED && Nell Doe Shepherd OUTFIT && click with click. his lamborghini looks like this. WORD COUNT && Didn't count 'em. NOTES && CREDIT && Taylor
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 24, 2011 15:26:33 GMT -5
Nell shook her head, shaking out her hair. ”Don’t worry, you didn’t miss much,” she said easily. She had had no intentions of celebrating her date of birth, and hadn’t been expecting her father to remember his daughters’ (that he’d abandoned, the jackass) birthday. And she hadn’t expected Jane to go out to eat with them, either. She hadn’t celebrated August tenth in over eleven years, and it was ironic that the first time she did it turned out to be the worse birthday. No, actually. Her worse birthday was the year after Tilly died and the abuse began and she realized that her sister was going to stay seven forever. She couldn’t say she liked her birthday. It felt like celebrating her twin’s death. ”Seriously, it’s okay. I would have forgotten myself if it wasn’t for my birthday.” Was there any way to convince him not to feel bad about this? Because it was clear he did—after all, he wouldn’t be apologizing if he didn’t have a good reason. She really didn’t ind that he wasn’t around for her birthday. Okay, maybe a little bit, but that was because instead she had to endure it with her family. But she was serious when she’d said that she’d have forgotten if her father hadn’t remembered for her—she hadn’t celebrated the day in years. She really hadn’t celebrated this year, either. Because she’d been with her family, listening to Jane lament over how Tilly couldn’t celebrate and asking León to tell stories about the day the twins had been born. ”Josh,” she practically sighed. ”All right, how about this? You can make it up to me by celebrating with me. In a game night. Candyland, and crazy eights, and chess, and all that. That’s what I would have liked for my birthday.” She honestly didn’t want any presents, and she hadn’t gotten many. A few of her friends knew about her birthday, some had forgotten, others she’d never told. And she was okay with all of that.
Nell’s gut clenched and on her lap she balled her hands into fists. The guilt was incredible, because even though it was Josh’s decision to leave, it had been because of her that he was forced to make the decision. If she’d never come to Canada and the Academy and met him, Josh would have been in the situation he was now. But you wouldn’t change meeting him. She was really selfish, wasn’t she? ”As much as I want you to be happy, I can’t expect you to be right now,” she acknowledged with a forlorn smile. Just thinking about the fact that Josh had been kicked out filled her up with a heavy sadness. She wanted to say that she understood, but of course she didn’t. She couldn’t understand what he’d been through. Because of her. It was his decision. There was a constant battle in her head, it seemed, between the self-loathing part of her and the part that wanted to give herself a break. If she wasn’t a murderer and if she wasn’t a coward and she’d just went to court when she should have and if she hadn’t been stalling for so long, maybe… Maybe Josh wouldn’t have to be unhappy. But he was, she knew that. He couldn’t have been happy—or enthusiastic—about his situation. She was so sorry for that. Even his reassurances that her being there was a good thing wasn't enough to make her feel less like a terrible person for what happened because of her.
Josh seemed wary, and she realized that she probably didn’t phrase that the best way possible. ”It’s nothing too bad,” she said, waving her hands as if to shoo away any nervousness of his. ”Just…uh…a soft spot in the floor next to the TV.” She turned her gaze to where she described, as if expecting a monster to jump out of the corner. ”And there’s faulty electricity, of course.” This must really be a change for Josh. She was sure he didn’t have to watch out for anything in his big shiny mansion. But there were a few things that he needed to be cautious of here. Thinking of this, she mumbled, ”Is there anything else…?” She remembered going through a list for Ace when he stayed there for a month. He’d been fine with all the warning. But Josh was different. He was used to the good life, where there wasn’t the risk of pulling a Loony Toons and falling through the floor. ”Oh, yeah. Thin walls. My neighbors love each other. And I mean really love each other.” Nell gave him a pointed look, but of course he would understand what she meant by that. Then, her face broke outi nto a smile. ”They’re nice people, really.” That was the truth—they may not have looked it, but they were pretty nice and even helped her out sometimes when she needed it. ”Buutt…I think that’s it you have to worry about.”
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 24, 2011 17:16:51 GMT -5
Nell was as accepting and pleasant as usual, insisting that her birthday hadn't been a big deal and even that she might have forgotten it if it wasn't hers to begin with. He wasn't sure whether he believed this sincerity--though he did feel guilty for doubting her honesty--but it wouldn't have made a difference either way. He still felt bad. It didn't matter whether Nell had wanted to celebrate, it was the fact that he'd forgotten, that he hadn't even been there... that was what made the guilt rise like a lump in his throat. He tilted his head slightly to get a better look at her expression when she told him a way that he could make it up to her, trying to gauge both whether she was serious and whether this actually was something that she wanted. There would be no use fulfilling a wish that she'd only come up with so that she could appease his sense of guilt. "Alright," he agreed, slowly and methodically. He was clearly still considering her. Then Joshua actually managed a soft sort of smile as he said, "But be prepared to get your ass kicked in chess. I'm really good." He knew how to play card and board games because of his sister (neither parent usually had the time, so he was stuck being the scapegoat) but he was only mediocre at them, barring poker which he'd gained prowess in during parties and such. Chess, though? It was a game of strategy, logic, and outwitting your opponent. He prided himself in being very good at chess.
Joshua was relieved when she said that she understood why he wouldn't be all sunshine and Butterfrees butterflies when he had just been kicked out of the house. He supposed as this was Nell it really shouldn't have been that surprising but it meant something to him nonetheless. It was never nice when people didn't understand--or just didn't try to--that you weren't in the same mindset as they were at any given time. Just because the person you were with was all sunshine and smiles didn't mean that you'd be the same way. He gave her a sort of look to suggest his thanks, deciding that conveying it with words would seem a lot less genuine. That was the last thing he wanted--for Nell to believe that he wasn't being truthful with her about himself. In fact, this was the most honest he'd been with anyone about his pride in a long time. Had it been anyone else that had offered the help, Joshua really would have told them that he was fine and that he needed nothing from them except perhaps company if they were a friend. (Not that they'd find out about his disowning regardless--that was another thing he'd told only Nell). Joshua was a secretive person, a proud person. He was nevertheless glad that he had that one person on whom he could rely. He had never really bonded with anyone like that. Not even Harlow. Best friend though she may be, it wasn't something he could see himself doing. Sitting her down and telling her his past and that his 'rents had kicked him out just didn't sit right in his mind. He trusted his friends slightly, but it was mostly a one-sided trust. 'You can trust me with your secrets if you don't ask me about mine.' He might eventually be more open about himself, but not yet. He wasn't ready for that.
He was wary about the idea of a soft spot--not because there was one, but because he didn't know whether he could trust himself to remember. "I'll steer clear," he said calmly regardless, not wanting to impart this concern upon Nell. Worrying her and making her think that he was any less certain about this than she was at the moment wasn't on his to-do list. "Pity we don't have a Thunder elemental as our bitch," he said dryly, some of his humour returning as he flicked his gray eyes to the lights, as if he were expecting them to start flickering and dying any moment now. The comment about her neighbours, however, actually gained a bit of a laugh from the Fire graduate. "Now that I understand," he said earnestly, glad that at least one experience in the apartment was something that he'd become accustomed to in his own bout of apartment living. "Back when I lived downtown, my neighbours liked to express their affection any time of day, rather loudly. As the bedroom walls were connected..." It was not the easiest way to fall asleep, listening to your neighbours going at it next door. But he'd gotten used to it after so long and so that was something he didn't think of as too bad. "Are your neighbours at least good looking?" he chuckled, and he seemed to be calming down now. "Mine were getting old and they were unattractive to boot. Try eating when they're... having fun next door." He winked at her. Well, at least this had helped to improve his mood.
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TAGGED && Nell Doe Shepherd OUTFIT && click with click. his lamborghini looks like this. WORD COUNT && Didn't count 'em. NOTES && CREDIT && Taylor
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 24, 2011 19:28:38 GMT -5
Despite what Josh may have thought, Nell was completely serious. If he wanted to make it up to her, a game night would be the perfect way to do it. Even though she really didn’t want him to feel he had to make it up to her. ”I’m not just saying that, either.” She hesitated a moment, wondering if she should explain her reasoning. She felt comfortable with talking to Josh about things that she wouldn’t say to anyone else. ”Tilly and I used to play games a lot, and since it feels weird celebrating without her…” Nell shrugged. ”I figure it may be a good way to…honor her memory.” She ducked her head, sheepish while explaining this. ”Or something.” It was true—she didn’t like celebrating the day not only because it had been years since she’d done so, but because she knew that the day also belonged to her deceased sister. She felt corny for saying that a game night would make her feel better about celebrating her birthday, but it was really what she wanted to do if she was going to do anything to celebrate. It would certainly make up for the disasterous dinner with her father and aunt. Nell grinned when he talked about chess. ”I bet you could,” she said, before cockyness entered her tone. ”But you stand no chance in any card game.” He was more-than-decent—even when drunk, apparently—so there would be competition of course. And she was fine with that.
Nell felt she needed to further defend the unsturdy spot in her floor. ”It’s not like you’ll…fall through or anything. Maybe. No, no, I’m pretty sure that you won’t.” She gave a bit of a nervous laugh after that. It would be pretty easy to avoid, as long as you didn’t need to go near the television for anything. She snorted when Josh mentioned having a Thunder elemental as their bitch. ”Or you know, an electrician, but whatever you say,” she jested. She doubted her father would like being used as an electricity hoe, but the thought was very amusing. Nell was glad that Josh seemed to be in a bit of a better mood. Even though all of this sucked very, very bad. But she laughed along with him when he described similar experiences with his own neighbors. Who were apparently old. ”Dear god, where do they get the energy?” she asked, shaking her head. Well, it was reassuring to know that grandparents could be spry enough to continue to show their affection. He described how they were aging and waning in looks, and she laughed again. ”Aww, but old people are cute,” she said, not being able to resist the devious smile. Well, of course you wouldn’t think of senior citizens as aesthetically attractive. But she thought some of her friends’ grandparents were downright adorable. Not Josh’s though—okay, on his mother’s side. But Patrick was not adorable whatsoever. And neither were her own grandparents, actually. Most grandparents were at least. ”Well, they’re young and just got married. Guess the honeymoon never ends.” Her face split into a wide grin as she said this.
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