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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 3, 2011 1:09:38 GMT -5
Joshua was slightly confused when Nell replied so shortly to his question about what she wanted to do. He understood that it was late and that they were both pretty tired but he had figured she'd have told him earlier if she didn't want to hang out. He considered asking her what was wrong but thought this might sound too silly. She was tired, what if that was all that was wrong? He was probably just overreacting. Deciding to let her get off to bed, Josh went to brush his lips against hers in goodbye and was further put off as she shoved him away. His brow furrowed as she got up and made to leave the room. "Nell--" he started, but stopped himself and shook his head. Maybe she's not much of a night owl? He'd never really seen what she was like when she was tired, after all. Not even the nicest of people can be completely cheery all of the time. Though he tried to reassure himself that his girlfriend was just in a bit of an off mood because of the time and because of the hectic events that had encompassed the day, he had some difficulties accepting his own condolences. Nell was too nice for this. There had to be something wrong, right? No, she's fine. He was too tired to think further on the matter. If he was feeling this worn out then surely she must feel the same. It was with this final thought that he collapsed into bed and with this thought that he would wake, completely confident that her mood would have passed and that they could go on talking in the morning like none of this had happened at all.
Of course he would be wrong.
He might not have been the most perceptive person in the world, but something in Nell's tone that morning sent a chill down his spine. Nell was a naturally sweet person but there was something far too sugary in her tone. You're far too paranoid, he scolded himself. She just wants a word. So he gave her a nervous sort of smile. "Sure thing," he said, pausing in the hallway to let her speak. "What's on your mind?" Was he finally going to find out what had been plaguing her last night? Unfortunately this turned out to be all too true. Josh could only blink at her in surprise as she expressed a desire to end their relationship and went so far as to suggest that he didn't give a damn about it. The dark-haired graduate had no idea where all of this was coming from and could only listen in shock as Nell actually seemed to get upset with him. He'd only seen her angry a few times before--the only time she'd been angry at him, he had no recollection of. What was worse, Josh had no idea why she was upset.
What did I do? he thought, stomach in knots as he swallowed hard and glanced away from her for a moment. Had she heard some sort of nasty rumour about him? No, that wouldn't make sense. Why would she have been perfectly polite up until this point--or whatever point last night she'd stopped being cordial toward him? He racked his brains and tried to remember exactly when she'd started giving him the cold shoulder. He only remembered coming out of the bathroom to find Nell in a sour mood. Had she poked around his room a little whilst he was brushing his teeth? No, that doesn't make sense either, he realised. I haven't got anything in there to hide. He was a relatively clean-cut guy when it came to his possessions. He didn't have any creepy fetishes, he didn't have a collection of girl's underwear, he didn't have anything that could seemingly turn his girlfriend against him over the course of ten minutes or however long he'd spent with his nightly routine. It just didn't make sense. And now Nell was telling him goodbye and to have a nice life and he just didn't know what to make of it all. How was he feeling? It was hard to sum up his emotions at the moment. He was offended that this had been so sudden, bitter that she'd led him on until this point, confused as to why she was so angry... but most of all he was just upset.
He had no idea that this would affect him so greatly. Going into this relationship business, Josh had been completely unprepared to how attached he'd become to his once-best-friend. What was she now? His ex, he supposed, but how could they be anything after this? "Why are you doing this?" It was all he could manage to ask, shaking his head slightly and allowing a frown to grace his lips. He didn't understand any of this at all. Was he dreaming? Everything seemed too perfect and clear to be a dream. Besides, Joshua was much too light a sleeper to normally fall into a pattern of dreams. If anything, the thoughts he'd fallen asleep to would have plagued him into a fitful, dreamless sleep even if he was. "What makes you think that I don't care?" Truthfully this had been something he'd feared ever since the start of their relationship. That Nell would realise what a bad person he was at the core and just decide that she'd had enough. But he hadn't expected for it to be sudden, so provoked, so... So soon. It was too soon, really. It seemed like they'd barely been together at all. It didn't even matter to Josh that he wasn't getting any because he loved Nell, but obviously the feelings were not returned. Why? "I can respect your decision to break it off with me, but... why?"
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 3, 2011 1:36:32 GMT -5
[/size] YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME - -turn to stone- - YOU SHINE IT WHEN I'M ALONE [/center] - - - - - - - - - - Nell lifted her eyebrows when he acted innocent. He was about to slip out to meet with some chick. Did he not realize that her tone had been entirely sarcastic? She didn’t want to be this upset with him, but half of the reason she had her arms crossed over her chest was because her stomach hurt so bad. She knew she was upset, but she didn’t think she’d ever get this angry with Josh. No, she usually saved her anger for her family, but here she was being sarcastic and bitter with her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, she reminded herself. There was no way she was going to keep this up, because it was clear Josh didn’t want to be with her. Ouch, that just made her stomach hurt even more. But it was true. She didn’t understand why he was doing this, stringing her along when he could just come out and break up with her. She’d be upset of course, but if he knew that he was going to go around with some blond girl, then why couldn’t he be straight with her then. Nell wasn’t going to stand there and wonder, though, she was too busy sorting through other emotions at the moment.
She rolled her eyes when he asked why she was doing this. He really had the nerve to act innocent like this? ”I just told you,” she said flaltly. She didn’t think that her hurt would manifest like this, but here it was, right in Josh’s face. ”You don’t want me, so I don’t see any point in sticking around.” She was being painfully honest, something she supposed was genetic in her father’s side of the family. Hell, she was an honest person, that wouldn’t change when she was mad at her ex-boyfriend. He honestly seemed confused by this, which made it worse. Why couldn’t he be honest with her? Was it too much to ask for? This is Josh, you knew what he was like going in. She’d wanted to trust him, because he’d been so good to her before. He stuck around through everything, and somehow when they got into a relationship, things changed. She supposed she really wasn’t enough, and she was fine with that. Even though she didn’t like to think about it, she knew that she couldn’t keep him. It was the fact that he lied to her that made her feel so…shitty.
What made her think that she didn’t care? Did he really just ask that? ”I think the fact that you’ve been cheating on me gave it away,” Nell told him in the same sarcastic way she had spoken the entire time. ”Or maybe it’s that you lied to me about it.” That’s what affected her the most. Actually, she didn’t know what affected her the most because she didn’t really understand everything that she was feeling at this moment, because it was knew and she felt like a piece of crap. ”Either way, if you cared, you wouldn’t have betrayed me.” She shrugged her shoudlers after saying this to pretend like she didn’t care, because she hated admitting a weakness and hated admitting that something could get to her. But she was feeling such raw emotion that whatever came to mind, she said without filter. I guess I’m the only one who can be honest. She hated the bitterness she was feeling, but it really felt like Josh was abandoning her and it was the worst feeling she’d ever known. Everyone leaves, why should he be any different? she thought resignedly. ”I really shouldn’t have to explain this to you, Josh," Nell said, her eyes like daggers aimd at his own. ”You already know.” She was wholly convinced that this was some innocent façade he was putting up, since he was so good at them. Josh knew what he did wrong, she shouldn’t have to tell him.
- - - - - - - - - - [/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 3, 2011 1:58:45 GMT -5
Nell's words cut pretty deep considering Joshua had absolutely no idea where all of this had came from. It seemed to him like it was completely out of left field and he didn't understand why she was all of a sudden certain that he didn't care--about their relationship, about her. What had changed? What had went wrong? He tried to think of signs from when she'd dropped by at his house to when he'd first noticed that she was acting off but there was just nothing he could think that seemed out of place. She'd let him kiss her in the hallway without shoving him off, she had laughed as they threw water balloons, baked brownies and then cut up old or cheesy movies. Everything had been going great until they'd entered his room. Why had that changed things? "I never said I didn't want you," Josh frowned, seeming troubled. Had he said anything of the sort? The only time they'd ever really discussed this recently was in the library when she'd asked him rather trollishly if he'd wanted to sleep with her. He'd said yes to that. Surely that's not the problem, right? No, Nell probably would have had a much sooner negative reaction if it was his desire for her that was causing the problem. It seemed to be a 'lack' of desire that was bothering her, except he had no idea where she was getting her ideas. "You're not making any sense." His words sounded confused and even a little irritated by this point. Why was she treating him like this and speaking with a snide sort of sarcasm that he couldn't begin to understand? What have I done to deserve this?
However, most of his initial confusion and hurt ended the moment Nell accused him of cheating. Now, unless Joshua had some serious sleepwalking tendencies that needed to be addressed and of which he was unaware, the Fire graduate was absolutely positive that he hadn't cheated on Nell. Not once. He'd been tempted a few times by the pretty and obviously interested women in bars but now he had his story straight. "I've got a girlfriend, shove off." It was all he usually needed to say. If they continued to act interested he would insult them for being so willing to break another girl's heart. But no matter what, he certainly hadn't cheated. "Oh, so that's what this is about?" he spat, saddened expression gone. There was anger kindling in the depths of his colourless gaze now. "You're going to justify this by accusing me of cheating on you?" Damn it, he could feel the rage and the hurt and the betrayal. They came in waves, one after the other, so quickly that he couldn't get a handle on what was happening to his emotional spectrum. The anger was the worst. He had never felt any sort of rage toward Nell before but he was feeling it now. Even though the rage made him want to spit and curse and punch something, that something would never be Nell. Angry as he was he couldn't bring himself to hurt her. "Smooth," Joshua snapped. "Real fucking smooth, Nell."
He shook his head and glowered at her. How could he even feel the least bit of affection for her? How could he be feeling this betrayal and sadness at the imminent loss of their relationship even though he should be hating her guts right now? She was using the one thing that would hurt him most against him, and yet Joshua still mourned what he knew was coming. "Actually," he said, "you do have some explaining to do. Why the fuck have you led me on for months if you just planned to break it off like this?" He shook his head and slammed his hand hard against the wall. The sound was deafening in the otherwise quiet house. He didn't even care if his slightly raised voice woke his parents. He wasn't quite yelling, but he certainly wasn't using the soft and concerned speech that he had been before. "Fine," he said fiercely. "You can leave if you want to. I don't give a shit--you were right about that. Because I thought you were a good person, Nell. I didn't think you'd stoop so low as to--" Seething, he couldn't even finish the sentence. Shaking his head sharply as if to decide that it wasn't worth it, Josh finished, "Forget it, it doesn't matter." Stepping aside with a glower that could have melted a glacier with its intensity, he gestured sharply down the hallway. "Just go." He didn't want her in his house any more--in his life any more--if she was going to end their relationship in a harsh way such as this.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 3, 2011 2:31:42 GMT -5
[/size] YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME - -turn to stone- - YOU SHINE IT WHEN I'M ALONE [/center] - - - - - - - - - - It seemed that Josh’s confusion about what she was talking about dissolved when she said that she knew she was cheating on him. Yes, that’s what it was about. He finally realized that she knew and was now dropping the whole mask of complete innocence. But then he said something about justifying, and she drew back and gave him a skeptical look. ”I’m not accusing you if it’s true,” she said. ”That’s the reason I’m breaking up with you, not to justify anything.” She loved him, which made this worse, so it wasn’t like she went out of her way to find a reason to dump him. She wanted it to work. And he didn’t. That was the difference. So she didn’t understand why he was getting snippy with her. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was the one who betrayed her. She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. Never had she really felt this sort of anger toward anyone but her family, and even though it took her by surprise, she wasn’t going to back down when she knew that she was right.
She bristled at his words, narrowing her brown eyes. Nell didn’t even flinch when he punched the wall, just thought that he was being a drama queen even though she was clearly overreacting, too. It was the hurt talking and making her so mad that if she were any more like Josh, she would have punched a wall too. He wasn’t the one who should be acting like that at all. It was completely unfair it made her stomach hurt that much more. ”I’m the one who led you on?” she said. She didn’t believe she could get this angry, but she didn’t have time to be stunned when she was currently arguing with him because he thought he could keep up this charade. ”I’m not the one who’s cheating on you. That sounds like you leading me on.” No, that’s exactly what he was doing. She didn’t even know how long this was going on, whether it was when she left to visit her friend or if this had been going on even before. She didn’t want to think about that. He had no right to be getting mad at her right now—he was the one who had cheated on her! And this only made it worse. ”I didn’t plan anything,” she continued on, even though she really should have stopped.
Nell should have just walked away, but he was accusing her of things that she didn’t do, and behaving defensively. ”You have no right to say that,” she shot back. ”I didn’t do anything wrong here, and I don’t know why you keep act innocent because it’s pretty damn pointless. It’s not like I don’t have proof or anything, I wouldn’t have accused you if I didn’t have proof.” She wouldn’t have suspected anything of him because she trusted. Had trusted him. She didn’t go around accusing him of cheating all the time and she wasn’t going to be the kind of jealous girlfriend that did that, even though unknown to her, that’s what she was coming off as. The level of frustration was through the roofs, and she couldn’t understand why he didn’t just own up to what he was doing and back down. She guessed he was just too damn stubborn. It was his stubborness that had frustrated her the night she met him. He was pissing her off befor they were ever in a relationship, and she supposed that should have been a precursor. ”And I will go, because I sure as hell don’t want to be around you anymore.” And to add insult to injury, she said, ”I know you’re leaving to go fuck that blond chick, so I’m not going to keep you up any longer.”
- - - - - - - - - - [/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 3, 2011 2:53:22 GMT -5
Joshua was literally so mad that he could spit. He didn't think he'd ever had this kind of rage before. Oh, he'd been angry plenty of times, but this? It was different--it was justified. He was learning this his anger was much more intense when he had something to be angry about. The hallway had the feel of a sauna within minutes as their shouting match continued. He barely even noticed the sweltering heat. All Joshua cared about right now was that the girl he loved was standing here and talking to him like he was the same cheating scumbag he'd proved he wasn't all those weeks ago in the bar. "Reason?" he hissed through gritted teeth. Slam! His hand hit the wall again, needing some sort of venting of the rage that was making him tremble. Normally he would have leapt on the person who was making him this infuriated and pounded their face in rather than taking it out on the wall. But this was Nell. That changed everything. "You don't have a reason! That's the only explanation for why you made one up!" And finally he was shouting, finally she had pushed him to a certain point that other people might only be able to worry about managing. Joshua was usually quiet in his anger. Certainly aggressive, violent, and highly dangerous... but quiet. He'd hiss his words through a clenched jaw and glare daggers but hardly ever did he raise his voice. Now he was shouting at a girl that, twenty four hours previously, he'd been thinking about and wondering if she was alright. I should never have worried about her! he thought vehemently, but he was worried even now that this rage would get out of hand.
He did not cry. Joshua was not the sort of person that showed their emotions through the shedding of tears. But the feeling that ripped through his chest when she said that she'd led him on--was this heartbreak? Was that what he was feeling? He could barely comprehend it past the anger. His facial expression screwed up--it was a mixture between anger and bitterness and grief and a number of other things that he couldn't explain. "Just--fucking--stop it!" he snarled, still yelling at her. He was shaking so much that he could barely hold himself steady and his hand was definitely going to bruise. It felt like he'd wrenched it when he'd punched the wall for the second time. "I might love you, Nell, but I'm not going to take the blame for this!" He wasn't a cheater and he knew that he wasn't. Even though he clearly had the worse romantic history of the two he felt this shouldn't authorise her clearly trying to make this break up his fault. It really hurt to have her accuse him of these things that even he knew weren't true. "I never led you on! Never!" What made her think that? If he'd been trying to get something out of her he certainly would have given up already. Nell wasn't easy and that was one of her best qualities, in his opinion. He was changing his mind now. One of the best? It was probably the only good thing that remained to be seen in her. He was trying to convince himself that this wasn't his fault and that he didn't feel anything for the vindictive bitch that was breaking up with him for no reason at all, but he couldn't. He did feel something. He hated that feeling, but he felt it.
Then she spoke of proof, flooring him even more if it were ever possible. "Proof?" he spat. "You can't have proof of cheating that didn't fucking happen!" Did she think he was stupid? Did she think that Joshua was going to assume he'd gotten drunk and banged a chick at a bar and Nell had taken a picture or something? He might not have been the most sober guy in the world but he usually remembered waking up in unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people. Just because he didn't know their names didn't mean he didn't realise the lack of a recognisable face. There had been none of that lately and it was because of Nell. Oh, why did I ever try for your sake? he thought. "Good," he snarled before taking the time to fully analyse what Nell had said to him. "I hope you do leave because I sure as hell don't want--" And then he stopped right in his tracks as if he'd been gagged. "Wait a fucking minute," he said. His tone was fierce and filled with renewed rage, as if he couldn't get any angrier than he already was. "What blonde chick, Nell? If you're talking about Brittney that was ages ago, don't be fucking ridiculous." He was seething and breathing so hard that his chest heaved with every breath. There was nothing appealing at all about the way he glared at her. "You've said your bit, you've accused me of being a fucking liar, now leave me alone."
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 3, 2011 3:24:00 GMT -5
[/size] YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME - -turn to stone- - YOU SHINE IT WHEN I'M ALONE [/center] - - - - - - - - - - Nell didn’t understand why he was getting so mad at her, she really didn’t. And while she still felt hurt, the anger was covering it up. She was probably not as mad as Josh—she could never be as mad as him—it was the maddest she’d ever gotten with anyone. She hated that he got to her so much, but she honestly believed she had loved him and now… She didn’t know. And Josh punched the wall again, and she wanted to tell him to fucking stop because this was a nice house. ”I wouldn’t make this up,” she said, her tone now more frustrated than anything. She may have made things up like her indentity, but not when it came to situations like this. Nell knew she was right, why would he think she was making anything up? It just wasn’t fair, and it was making her chest hurt, and moer than sickness now, she felt like she was going to cry. Just stop it, Josh. He shouldn’t have been defending himself when he wa wrong, when he was cheating on her, and why didn’t he just own up to it? If he’d just admitted that he’d cheated on her, she would have left right then. She just didn’t want him to lie to her.
He was telling her to stop it? ”Stop what?” she said bitterly. ”Telling the truth? Okay. Since it seems that I’m the only one being honest here, then I guess I will.” She didn’t want to be this mean to anyone, but she also didn’t want to be cheated on and lied to and yelled at. ”Oh my god, are you kidding me?” Now she unclenched her arms from around her stomach to throw them up in exasperation. She was blaming him for something she knew he did, because she saw the text. Why didn’t he get that? Nell didn’t want this, but she also didn’t want a boyfriend who’d cheat on her, probably because he wasn’t getting any. She just kept think over and over how it wasn’t fair for him to be like this, to be getting mad right now. Was it his damn pride that was keeping him from admitting it? She didn’t know, and she honestly wasn’t going to go that far. She knew how to hit below the belt, and she wasn’t going to do that. No matter how mad she got at him, Nell didn’t want to be that hurtful.
Now she sighed, growing more and more exasperated. ”Obviously, I can,” Nell said. She wasn’t going to accuse him of something that didn’t happen, and goddammit, why was Josh still lying about this? He could have just dropped it and saved all this. It wasn’t like she went out of the way to do this. ”Do you really think I’d go out of my way to make up a story?” she asked disbelievingly. ”I wanted to be with you, it’s you that’s the problem.” Stop being mean. She just couldn’t help it, it was her defense mechanisms kicking in and telling her not to back down so he could have the satisfaction of winning this fight. Because he was wrong. Dammit, he was wrong. Mid-sentence, it seemed he just heard what she had told him. ”This isn’t about Brittney,” she said, lifting a hand up and shaking her head. Why the hell was Brittney getting involved? That was what made her trust him more, and why did he turn her down when he was going to do this? Or was he already doing it? She really didn’t know. ”The blond chick who texted you last night and who you’re going to meet now,” Nell said slowly, as if he had trouble hearing. Because apparently he did, otherwise he would know. He was probably just trying to keep up the ignorant façade, which ticked her off even more. His last words made her recoil and she couldn’t help as finally a tear fell, which she quickly rubbed away with the back of her hand, even that movement frustrated as she looked down at the floor. She never cried either, so she guessed this was a day for firsts, huh.
- - - - - - - - - - [/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 3, 2011 3:44:31 GMT -5
Both of them were yelling back and forth at one another and this was getting them absolutely nowhere. Joshua was sure they'd managed to wake up his entire household by this point--it didn't matter that the mansion was massive and that they slept an entire floor below, his shouting would surely carry. He didn't care. All Josh cared about was the fact that he loved Nell and she was being a complete and total bitch to him and he didn't know why. "No I am not kidding!" he said vehemently and one hundred percent seriously. Why the hell would he joke around about something like this? Cheating was a serious business and he was incredibly offended that Nell had even suggested it. It had made sense when he'd spoken to Brittney because at least then he'd been tempted and she'd been there--but did it really? He'd refused her. Shouldn't that mean that his girlfriend knew he wouldn't? Apparently not. "I thought you trusted me!" he said, shaking his head. Though he was showing it more through anger than anything else, Joshua was every bit as upset and as heartbroken as his (ex?) girlfriend. He hadn't wanted their relationship to end this way. If anything he'd hoped a break-up would be because of a mutual understanding and that they could go back to being friends and just pretend that none of this in all it's terrible glory had ever happened. I didn't cheat on you, Nell! Why are you so convinced that I did?
That texted him? Joshua was only more confused than ever as Nell explained some of her reasoning. He opened his mouth to spit another insult at her but then hesitated slightly when he saw something glistening as it slid down her cheek. Was she... crying? Josh had only seen Nell cry when she was literally breaking down in front of him. That had been the moment where he'd realised that he was in love with her. How ironic that she should be crying again when she brought all of that crashing down around them. He didn't know what to feel, now. He was enraged but he was also confused and upset and guilty because of her tears. He'd literally reduced his girlfriend ex-girlfriend to tears with his rage and his yelling. Even still, he felt that he had every right. She had accused him of doing something that he hadn't with absolutely no proof. Except... she'd said something about a text. "What text?" he snapped. He wasn't yelling any more but he couldn't keep the anger from his tone. He was still upset even though she was trying not to cry because this was her fault, damn it. Suddenly whirling around on the spot, Joshua stormed off back in the direction that he'd came and threw his bedroom door open. It clattered against the wall with a loud bang--if his yells hadn't woken the house up, that would. It ratted the glass in the windows. The sunlight was still pouring through them and it's butter-yellow perfection seemed to be mocking them. How dare the sun continue to shine when Nell accused him of these things. "See?" he snarled, picking up the phone. "I don't have any te--"
The words died on his lips halfway through a sentence. There was the little red '3' in the corner of the screen. He hesitantly pushed the button that brought up the text messages screen and blinked at what he was faced with. But... this was a relative of his. It made no sense for her to be texting him this, unless... Realising what had happened, it hardly relieved his anger toward Nell as he turned to her and narrowed his eyes. "This is my cousin," he said, punctuating every syllable as if only this could explain his fury. He could barely hold the phone right he was trembling so hard. "As for 'going out to fuck that blonde'," he added, now speaking in the deathly soft tones that were usual of his rage, "you're wrong." Joshua held up the book in his shaking hand, the book which he'd had in his possession ever since he left the room with the sole intention of returning it to its owner. The stupid book that had caused an entire fight with his now-ex girlfriend. Some book. He wanted to throw it but understood he had no right to damage a possession that was not his own. "I was actually going to return this. To my very unattractive, male, acquaintance." Inhaling deeply to stop from saying another thing he'd regret, he couldn't help but to add, "Is there anything else you'd like to accuse me of, while we're at it? By all means, go ahead." And he very plainly sent a text to his cousin, 'I'll likely never forgive you for this. Watch who you send the next one to.'
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 3, 2011 4:12:29 GMT -5
[/size] YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME - -turn to stone- - YOU SHINE IT WHEN I'M ALONE [/center] - - - - - - - - - - Nell drew back at his words. ”I did trust you.” That’s why it hurt so much. She trusted him more than anyone else, and that was an accomplishment for anyone. Trust was a hard thing to gain. But when he’d proben himself over and over she thought that was enough to carry over into a relationship. She thought that wouldn’t change things. It was because she had all this trust for him that it hurt so much and it was probably the reason she was getting so angry. She wouldn’t have gotten this pissed if she hadn’t loved him. Well, he doesn’t love me back, so it doesn’t even matter. Nell knew exactly why she trusted him so much, but now she wondered why she had been naïve enough to believe that this would work. That she was good enough to be in a relationship. It was clear that she wasn’t good enough, otherwise he wouldn’t have had to go and do this and then lied to her about it.
She couldn’t even believe that she was crying, and she wrapped one arm around her as she continued to wipe tears away. Nell didn’t want any of this, but Josh was yelling at her and she still believed that he was lying and it hurt more than anything. She didn’t think she could have so many emotions at once, but right now she was pissed, hurt, betrayed, and she loved Josh and hated him at the same time. Why the hell did it have to be so confusing? And then he asked her what text, and she wanted to scream even though she just shook her head. He was seriously going to keep this up now? It isn’t worth it, Josh. The question didn’t even seem to matter as he slammed his bedroom door open, and no longer crying now but still an emotional wreck she followed him in. Nell was confused when he said that he didn’t have any text messages when he checked. How far was he seriously willing to go just to further the lie? He showed her the text and she blinked as he spoke. Was…was he lying about that too? ”How was I supposed to know?” she returned instantly, though her voice was quieter now with the crushing realization that she had been very, very wrong. Any other words that she could have come back with then stopped on her lips as he showed her the book. In her mind, it wasn’t too far-fetched that he’d carry books around, but…
The shame that washed over her at that point in the fact that Josh was still angry with her because she’d been horribly wrong didn’t make her feel any better. It made her feel worse. She was a terrible perso, but she didn’t realize it until she accused Josh of something he didn’t do. And yelled at him. And fought with him. Even though he was completely justified and she’d just been a complete bitch. Nell had made a very bad mistake, she just realized. ”No,” she mumbled to his next words, feeling close to crying again. Nell didn’t even know how to begin to describe what she was feeling, but she could find the one word that summed it up: shit. Absolute and complete shit. She knew that she completely deserved every word yelled at her and she was the worse girlfriend ever. No, she was the stupidest, most insanely terrible girlfriend ever. The worse ex-girlfriend. This may have to top her list as the worse day of her life. She didn’t even care that he was texting his cousin—not his misstress, you suspicious, idiotic asshole—because she didn’t want to stick around after what she just did to Josh. ”I’m sorry,” she said, the words every bit as pathetic as she felt, before moving to exit the room. He didn’t want to be around her anymore, that was for sure, and she didn’t blame him. Who would want to after what she’d just done? She couldn’t believe that she overreacted like that and got so mad, and she couldn’t even chalk it off to PMSing or anything.
- - - - - - - - - - [/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 3, 2011 8:30:31 GMT -5
He hadn't meant to sound so bitter and vindictive about the text but Joshua could not help the fact that he was upset with Nell about this. She had turned on him and accused him of cheating on her when he had really had absolutely no idea what was going on or why she had reacted in such a negative manner. Even still, he loved this girl and when her voice went quiet it was like a knife twisting in his gut. Was it still over between them? Had he wrecked all chances at reconciliation when he'd exploded at her? "You could have asked," he pointed out a little sharply. He wasn't trying to sound irritated but given that he was filled with so much excess anger it was impossible to come off as entirely pleasant and cheerful. Who would be cheerful after this? "I didn't even look at my phone last night." This came with it something that Josh had only just realised now. Offended and a little surprised by this sort of behaviour from someone who had just said she had trusted him until recently, he said, "Hang on. You read my texts?" He had understood why she had crouched behind the bar and listened in when Brittney was hitting on him. That was a completely understandable reason and situation to be confused and upset about. But Joshua wasn't sure that he was alright with Nell doing something as shifty and suspicious as going through his text messages. "I have nothing to hide from you; check my entire phone if you'd like, I don't care, but I do wish you'd have let me know before you went through it." That was a violation of trust and privacy. No, he definitely wasn't alright with that.
However, Joshua also wasn't alright with the idea that he'd made her cry. As she apologised to him with mumbled words it made him wince and remember quite unpleasantly the guilt that had washed over him when he'd seen the tear. It had been a very brief show of emotion but it had still managed to wrench his heart. He didn't like to see Nell cry. He hadn't been lying when he'd told her why he'd fallen for her at last--when she cried, his strongest desire then was to make her smile again. What was it now? He didn't even know himself. He was very confused and muddled and angry and upset and damn it if he wasn't still trembling like a leaf. Nell started to leave and he realised that if he didn't patch this up now he might never get another chance. With a troubled expression as if torn between his options, Joshua at last tossed both the phone and book onto his bed and took a step toward her. "Nell, wait," he pleaded, and now it was his turn to sound quiet. He had every right to be angry but he knew that he might have overreacted himself by a little. "Don't leave. Can we talk about this?" Before he managed to get another word in or rush over to block her from leaving the room, however, his mother appeared in the doorway. Damn. He'd forgotten how loud he'd been shouting. She looked unpleasantly foul and tired by the dark circles under her eyes. "Care to tell me why you two decided to wake the house by bickering like a married couple?" she snapped at him. She wasn't an easily angered person but you could certainly tell when she was upset with you. Josh hung his head and couldn't look her in the eye. "Sorry, Mum," he mumbled, but didn't explain. "You'd better be," she said. "I have to be at work in a few hours and it'll be on your head if I'm falling asleep during the conference." Without another word to either of them, she glowered and stormed back in the direction she'd come.
There were a few awkward pulses of silence where Josh did nothing, and then he crossed the distance between he and Nell and hesitated as he reached her. He was afraid that she might strike out at him for the yelling he'd done in the hall. He didn't know what Nell was like when she was upset. Not that he was scared of her hurting him--no, he could take a hit and he was much stronger even elementally. No, he was afraid because he didn't want her to goad him into hitting back. He might not have had too many morale issues with hitting girls--hitting your girlfriend (or were they exes?) was a different story. "Sit down," he said, gently tugging her wrist in request and nodding toward his bed. "Please?" Before he let her do anything in terms of staying or going or explaining herself, he couldn't resist but to wrap his arms around her slowly in an awkward sort of hug. "I'm sorry I yelled at you," he said pathetically. He perhaps shouldn't be the one uttering apologies but he really did feel guilty about that one. "And I'm sorry I made you cry." That was something that didn't sit right with him even if she had been blowing things out of proportion. "I was just... angry. I wish you'd asked me." They could have avoided that entire argument if there had been better communication going on. He sat down on the bed and glared daggers at his phone as it flashed with a new text. He wordlessly pushed the phone in Nell's direction and gave her a deliberate look.omg Josh?! I am so sorry! I meant to send that to John, lol, we were drunk last night. Wait, why are you pissed? It was just a harmless text! Harmless. Sure. Joshua did not reply to this one, just shaking his head in disgust and letting the phone go dark. They did not get along and he certainly didn't look forward to running into her again. He couldn't promise he wouldn't try to strangle her. "Please don't leave," Joshua said quietly, feeling selfishly stupid in the sense that he didn't want to lose the only girlfriend he'd ever had over something so trivial. He was going to have to apologise to his friend when he showed up another time with the book. Nell was more important than some stupid acquaintance. (Unattractive male acquaintance, at that.)
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 3, 2011 17:09:05 GMT -5
[/size] YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME - -turn to stone- - YOU SHINE IT WHEN I'M ALONE [/center] - - - - - - - - - - Nell understood that she shouldn’t have reacted the way she did, and she knew that he had every right to be angry with her. So she just took his words—they were deserved, after all. Nell shook her head at his next words, too ashamed to feel any sort of anger toward him for thinking she looked through his phone like some kind of obsessive, jealous girlfriend. She had no right to be angry with him, just like she believed he’d had no right to be angry at her before. ”I didn’t go through your phone,” she said plainly. So this was what she’d been doing to him, accusing him of something that didn’t happen? It felt crappy. Everything felt crappy, but this was just an extra helping on crap on the crap sundae. ”I just saw the light and looked over and the text was there. That’s it.” She still couldn’t look at him even now, she was so goddamn ashamed of herself. And she felt sick to her stomach. And she didn’t know whether or not she was going to cry. No, she didn’t want to get emotional about that now. Just how she didn’t want to be angry, she also didn’t want to show any sadness by crying. Still feeling like an asshole, she said, ”I don’t go looking for reasons not to trust you.” As if that could make what she did okay. Nell wanted to trust Josh, but she went and did something like this and all she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and die.
Josh’s voice made her stop from leaving, but she didn’t turn to face him yet, and she knew that when she did she wouldn’t be able look him in the eye. She was deliberating what to do as she hesitated. Really, all she wanted was to run away. That’s how she dealt with problems, and it usually worked. But she stopped now. Right as she was about to tell him okay, and that she would stay which would inevitably end in a break up because he’d now seen how she could get and he heard all the terrible things she’d accused him of that made her feel so shitty, Trish popped up in the doorway. His mother came in looking like a hot mess, and Nell couldn’t even look at her, she felt so guilty. She didn’t think she’d have any more shame to spare, but apparently she had some for Trish. ”Sorry Mrs. Dale,” Nell said quietly, shifting her weight from foot to foot. So now she was a horrible girlfriend and a horrible guest—she believed could have considered it a skill, how good she was at being a bad person.
Now as she looked at Josh, she had yet to actually look at him. And when he told her to stay, she just didn’t know anymore. All she knew was that she loved Josh and she made a huge mistake and she wanted to drown her sorrows in Burger King. Then he was hugging her and her lips were limp at her side as he apologized for things that he had the right to do. She didn’t understand why he just didn’t want her to get the fuck away from him. Nell could’t find any words to speak to him, her lips were glued shut by humiliation. Did she want to stay? She didn’t know. She was feeling way too many things at the moment to be able to sort it out, and it was just a very raw cut. And so, she could only imagine how Josh was feeling and that just made it worse. Leaning her forehead against his chest, her voice was muffled as she said, ”I’m sorry for everything.” She’d never been more sincere about anything in her life. Nell wished this feeling in her gut could go away,but she couldn’t collect herself and muster the strength to gather what was left of her dignity. It was all just a big misunderstanding but she felt like whatever could be lower than absolute shit. She took a few seconds when Josh sat down to think about what she would do, even though she knew that she would. Plopping down beside him, she fisted her hands in her lap as she glanced at the text message. I just made her feel worse. ”I’m sorry,” she repeated dumbly. ”If you want to break up with me, I understand.” The only reason she’d wanted to dump him was because she believed that he was cheating, and now that she knew the truth she figured that she probably ruined everything anyway and that it didn’t even matter. I’ve proven how good I am at being a girlfriend, she thought bitterly.
- - - - - - - - - - [/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 3, 2011 17:25:44 GMT -5
He didn't really know what to say when Nell clarified that she hadn't gone through his phone. He'd never really assumed that Nell was a jealous bitch before all this and so he accepted these words as truths--Brittney had been a special case. That had been more fright and fear for their relationship than anything else. "Oh," was all he said. He couldn't think of anything else. Frowning quietly, Josh added, "You should have said something." He might not really be as angry with her as he had been a moment ago but he wasn't going to get on his knees and just tell her that everything she'd done had been perfectly fine. That wasn't how this was supposed to work. She was wrong about not confronting him without such hostility, they both knew that. This terrible, wretched situation could have been made a lot better if only they had just talked it out like normal people. Of course, if all relationships were smooth sailing there would not exist the stormy seas of divorce, heartbreak, arguments. He had overreacted about Drew and so he couldn't really hate her for it, he was just a little upset with how she handled it. "I can't pretend I'm too happy with the idea, but what's done is done." He didn't like the fact that she'd read the text messages and made such horrid assumptions about him. It hurt to know that his girlfriend had been so quick to believe the writing without asking him about it. But he also didn't want to break it off with her because of this. It was probably what caused his surprise when Nell said she'd understand if he did.
"Break up with you?" Joshua repeated, shaking his head slightly. "I'm not the one that was doing the breaking up." He didn't mean to carry this out and hold it over her head but he still gave her a bit of a pointed look so she might realise exactly what he meant by these words. It had been Nell who'd snapped at him and demanded that they call it off, Nell that had suggested that he didn't care about her, Nell that had blown this out of proportion and assumed he was sleeping with his own cousin of all people. Of course, Sylvie--nicknamed Vie by most family and friends--had hit on him before when she was intoxicated at a family reunion. She seemed to think that the fact that her mother was only Trish's half sister made it okay. Not only had Josh been vastly uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping with family, he wouldn't even if they weren't related. She was a complete whore with no respect for relationships or herself. "I'm upset, but I'm not angry enough to break it off with you." He put an arm around her shoulder from where he was sitting. "I love you, Nell, don't forget that." He couldn't just comfortably turn his back on her because they'd argued. Hell, his parents argued all of the time and they still managed to make it through somehow. "People make mistakes all the time. That's all this was. A mistake." He had not yet forgiven her for it and he probably wouldn't forget in a hurry, but he could put it out of his mind.
Besides, Nell looked utterly guilty and miserable about this whole thing. Even though he wasn't going to shower her with words about how she was perfect and could do no wrong, he certainly didn't want her to be in such a miserable mood. Yesterday had been great and he wanted to have that back again. "Want to step out for a while?" Fresh air was good in the morning, he believed. So was coffee or tea. "We could drop by Tim Hortons." Sugar was always his pick-me-up for when he was in a glum mood. Of course it was very early in the morning and the both of them were looking like some kind of shit but they had a while to correct that before they went out. "I have to drop off the book anyway. I told him I wouldn't be too long. I do want to grab a shower before I go, though. After that, would you be up for it?" He figured that she might take a little longer than him in getting ready because girls had to worry about make-up whilst he did not, but then again... maybe not. Josh had a structured daily routine that still took up a chunk of his mornings. Of course, this was practically like fodder for his grandfather Patrick.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 3, 2011 20:11:02 GMT -5
[/size] YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME - -turn to stone- - YOU SHINE IT WHEN I'M ALONE [/center] - - - - - - - - - - Nell looked down at the her feet when he spoke. ”I know,” she said, her words holding the weight she felt. ”I just got so upset, and…I’d never had to deal with tha before. So I just went with my instincts.” She knew it wasn’t even worth explaining herself, because what she did had been wrong. Very wrong. And she managed to single-handedly destroy their relationship with her paranoia and anger. She still couldn’t believe how angry she’d gotten, especially now that she’d calmed from it—she guessed that betrayal was one of her buttons. Betrayal that didn’t even exist and that she didn’t even ask her boyfriend about. She could have avoided this if she’d just handled it maturely. Maybe her father was right in calling her an immature child all the time. By the way she overreacted, it would seem that she’d never had to handle any adult relationship. And she guessed she hadn’t. But she wasn’t going to brush off what she did, especially since it obviously affected Josh. Her throat tightened as he continued to speak, but she tried not to show the pain in her expression. She wasn’t the one who should be upset, after all—it was Josh who she’d hurt.
So she was fully expecting him to break it off. And she braced herself for the guilt she’d feel around him after she did. Would she even be able to be around him. She didn’t think so. That’s why what he said shocked her so much that she actually looked up into his eyes blushing when he brought up that she’d been breaking up with him before. ”That was when…” Nell looked back down and sighed. No she wasn’t going to try and explain herself, and she wasn’t going to make up excuses in her defense. She’d been wrong and guilty and she hated herself for it. It wouldn’t be fair to Josh if she tried to explain it all away. Her reaction had been immediate and intense and she really wish it hadn’t. She normally didn’t have a temper, but everything felt different with Josh. She wouldn’t have gotten so upset if she didn’t love him. And apparently he loved her too, and when she felt his arm around her she felt the shaking and her mood sunk even lower, if that was even possible. In her life experience, it took even less for people to leave her. She didn’t understand how Josh could even stand her, she really didn’t. ”I’m sorry,” was all she could get out through all this, although she’d rather say something much more eloquent and poignant instead of repeated the same tired phrase over and over. But that was the best way to sum up what she felt—she was very, very sorry, just an all-around sorry person.
Josh talked about going to Timmies, and she nodded in reply. Hopefully food would improve her mood, but she was feeling so crappy she didn’t even know. Of course, if she did feel better it wouldn’t be an immediate reaction. But she’d try. So she plastered on a smile, and said, ”All right, that sounds good.” She made a sweeping hand motion. ”I’m already dressed, so I’m pretty much set.” Nell had gotten dressed earlier on before coming to break up with him. She really couldn’t believe that she’d been so quick to assume and jump down his throats and if she kept thinking about it she would drive herself mad. But she couldn’t get over how much of a bitch she was—even though he didn’t break up with her, she felt like she didn’t deserve him. But she decided that she should go out with Timmies and try her damnedest not to screw up like this again.
- - - - - - - - - - [/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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