|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 2, 2011 21:33:22 GMT -5
Joshua was glad that she did not argue with his decision to hang around and he gave her a small smile to indicate that. It was always easier to manage a smile around Nell even if she was as sick as she was now. The girl made him happy, as cheesy and silly as that sounded. It was like her presence cheered him up just by existing, really. He got angry less now that he was with her, too. The Fire elemental didn't really notice it himself until they spent time apart and he didn't have that almost daily mood boost to fend off his short temper. "Wow," he said when she named the amount, sounding impressed. "That must have taken a while." He did not notice the use of the word 'soon' to have any sort of special meaning, just nodded his agreement. Unfortunately for Nell it probably would take days for her symptoms to die down and she'd be stuck feeling a little under the weather even after she was 'better' in terms of being contagious. He knew how these things worked and sympathised because he knew it was going to be difficult. So, because it was easy to be an optimistic when you didn't want to believe the bad possibilities, he kept his mind on cheery things like her optimism about the cranes. "That's sweet," he said at mention of Till. He figured that she had died seeing as they'd stopped but didn't ask Nell to confirm this. He preferred to avoid remnants of her past that led to bad things. That was why when he'd asked about the girl, he'd asked what she was like in life. That would have been easier to talk about, he'd figured, and since she'd answered him he supposed he had been right.
Joshua couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle when he noticed how shy and hesitant Nell seemed to be. He thought it was cute when she blushed and there was an almost teasing twinkle in his eye, though he didn't verbalise his amusement. He wasn't here to take the mickey out of her, he was here to help. Though his amusement was clear in his expression he only said, "Then I'll keep an eye out. You can ask me things, Nell, I don't bite." He was better than anyone to ask, really. Joshua would do most anything for Nell without complaint, as long as it was in reason. That was what happened when you fell in love, he supposed. Especially when she was sick. Hell, he wouldn't mock her for asking for something even if she was in perfect health--it wasn't in his personality. "You named yourself after them, didn't you?" he remembered suddenly, his mind drifting to a conversation they'd had in all the lovely comforts of the jail cell. That had been a rather scary day but apparently not scary enough for him to suppress it. Joshua had a very good memory for things like that, conversations. His memory was a valuable part of his IQ, actually. He retained information easily. It amused him that Nell had chosen her last name because of her favourite food. He didn't know what he'd choose if he needed a new last name. "Dale means valley," he said pointlessly, smirking. He didn't usually offer such random conversation but heck, this was his girlfriend.
Upon his return, Joshua blinked at the coffee table full of paper cranes and then caught sight of the cat curled up on his girlfriend's lap. He scratched the kitty behind the ear and then turned his full attention to Nell. "Aren't you worried he'll bat them away?" He was obviously indicating the cat, seeing as the only other male in the apartment was himself and he certainly didn't make a habit of speaking in third person (or batting paper cranes, for that matter). Pressing his lips together in a thoughtful frown, after a moment an idea occurred to him. "Is there anywhere you usually put them? I could get it for you if it's some sort of container or move them if you'd like to protect them from this little rascal." His tone was affectionate as he addressed the cat for the last part of the sentence. A lot of the time when he looked at Pablo he was reminded of the cat's brother, Picasso, as well as the other three cats Joshua had at home. And the dog, too, of course. So many things had the problematic habit of reminding him of his family and he still wasn't used to the subtle reminders. It was as if someone or something had died and there were visions of it everywhere. It hurt to miss his family and his life. Part of him wanted to confide in Nell his homesickness but he felt that she would blame herself and thus held back.
He rolled his eyes in a good-natured sort of way. "Nell," he said with an air of patience, "it's no trouble, don't worry about it." He felt like a broken record with the amount of times he'd said this to her but really, he wouldn't have offered to cook for her if he wasn't willing to do it. Noting the cough he paused for a moment and said thoughtfully, "Do you mind tea?" he asked. "If you drink tea with lemon and honey it helps." Coughing was a natural healing process but since she'd had her cough for a while he assumed she had a sore throat and might want a little relief, even if only for a few hours. He always drank tea when he was sick because he liked it and it helped. "As for what I got..." He listed off the things he could remember off the top of his head. He'd gotten quite a bit just to be safe--they'd both be eating, too, so he'd made sure to get some extras. "And some other stuff. Oh, and I managed to find some of the good shepherd's pie, too." 'Good' usually translated to 'expensive' but he was willing to pay the price to make her feel better. Mum wouldn't mind as long as it's not pointless spending. Food helped keep you healthy so he knew there would be no complaint there. "I'll go make it now," he said cheerfully enough, handing her a separate bag. "There's Coke syrup, orange juice, and extra tissues in there," he said. "So you don't run out."
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 3, 2011 17:21:24 GMT -5
Nell was at least feeling more at ease now, her nerves less frayed by the news that she ahd the flu. Josh’s handling of the situation had a lot to do with that. Talking about origami was easier than talking about illness, and she was glad he didn’t steer the conversation in that direction. ”I only do it when I’m forced inside, really, so it did take some time,” she said softly. There was that strange feeling in her gut since she didn’t really talk about herself, but it was nothing uncomfortable. Thinking on how much she actually sat and did origami, she remembered in winter that she used to go on marathons when she was snowed in. However, she liked to spend most of her time outside, giving no time to sit down and fold pieces of paper into their meticulous shapes. Maybe if she’d gotten sick before, but since that never happened she didn’t get the chance to actually spend days on end making cranes. She looked up at her boyfriend’s next words, seemingly surprised before she blinked at the paper crane. Sweet? Nell smiled fondly at the bird, liking the thought that there may have been sweetness in her past. It didn’t have to just be darkness, there had been a bright light at one point in the form of her sister.
She caught the amusement in Josh’s eyes, and that only made her more embarrassed. He soothed her worries and she said, ”Uhm…all right,” she said, literally twiddling her thumbs. She guessed she’d have to get used to…asking things of him, even though the thought still made her uncomfortable. Nell ducked her head and laughed somewhat nervously. ”You remember,” she said, sounding confused and surprised. She’d told him about it back when they were arrested, but she tried not to think of it. It shocked her that Josh even bothered to remember a detail like that when it was just mentioned in passing. ”I wanted t give myself a new identity, and since I could choose who I wanted to be…why not food?” She said this lightly, but sneezed soon after, bringing her now airy mood down a little. But now that Josh had given her something good to think on, it was hard to bring her down. Her name was a good subject for her, actually. It wasn’t just for purposes of the law that she’d changed it, she had wished to separate herself from her family. With her surname, she gained independence—she was the only member of the Shepherd family, and it was liberating to know that she didn’t have to be traced back to poisonous roots like the Sinclairs or Fuenteses. ”So you’re Joshua Valley,” she said with a smile. ”Hmm…what does Joshua mean?” Nell wondered.
When Josh mentioned the possibility of Pablo playing around with the cranes, she looked down to see said cat looking over at the pile. Gently covering Pablo’s ears, she told Josh, ”Now don’t give him ideas.” Of course, the cat already had the idea in his head because this was Pablo, and unlike his docile brother Picasso, he enjoyed being the ‘little rascal’ Josh described him as. Nothing he could do would make Nell stop loving him, though, even if she had to buy a new couch every now and again because he took to using her furniture as a scratching post. What Josh said was right, and she glanced over her shoulder to the box next to the couch. ”Well, my box is actually getting full…but I suppose I do have to do something with all of them.” It was sometimes an inconvenience to have such a hobby in this small space, but she made it work. Paper cranes really didn’t take up too much space, though it depended on how large the piece of paper was. ”Maybe a plastic bag or something?” she suggested, hating the way that it felt like Josh had to do everything for her. Of course she was very grateful for what he was doing, but she was just…iffy still. She’d much rather be taking care of Josh, but there was no reason to. She was in the position of powerlessness right now, and she really did feel like an invalid even though Josh argued against that.
Nell bit her lip against saying anything else to protest Josh. He wants to do it, dummy. She wondered if every person felt this way when they were fuzzy. She wondered if her sister had every felt this way. Tilly would tell her sister some things that she wouldn’t tell their parents, and Nell had a feeling it was because she hated being helpless too. The girl didn’t want to think on the fact that she could now sympathize with Tilly. Not fully—hopefully, never fully—but on a level she’d never experienced. ”Tea’s good,” she said, trying not to wince now that her throat was even more raw than before. Tea was definitely good. Nell lifted her eyebrows when Josh described what he’d gotten. Wow, he’s…on top of this. Okay, she did think highly of Josh, but she didn’t think he’d be this amazing when it came to caring for sick people. Then she had to remind herself that he was planning to become a doctor. But still, this was almost too much. Maybe it was how new this was to her, but Josh was full of surprises. Not that it was unusual for her to be confused by him. And she was strangely overhwelmed with emotion when he said that he got the good kind of shepherd’s pie. It was incredible how happy her favorite food could make her. ”Oh…you did?” she said, sounding like she was on the verge of happy tears. She blinked when Josh gave her the bag, and she peaked inside as he listed off what he got. ”You got the Coke syrup,” she murmured. ”And tissues.” She stopped before she got choked up and acted even more oddly. ”Thank you,” she said earnestly, eyes bright. It may have been normal for some people, but she didn’t understand how nice Josh was being to her right now. And he’s cooking for me. That almost pushed her over into joyful tears—the way to Nell’s heart was truly through her stomach.
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 3, 2011 18:40:39 GMT -5
Joshua's lips twitched into a slight smile at Nell's confusion. He supposed he could understand why it baffled her that he retained even the little things that she'd told him but truly, Nell was important enough to Josh that he listened to what she was saying. Even if that something happened to be details about her illegal last name. "I remember a lot of what you tell me," he replied simply. He didn't point these things out to try and impress his girlfriend and thus he didn't realise exactly how shocked she really was about it. "It definitely suits your personality," teased Joshua lightly. Both of them were well aware that Nell loved to eat. He had never held that again her in any respect or suggested that she watched her weight or anything along those lines. As he was so independent and self-sufficient himself, Joshua was a remarkably easy person to live with or have a relationship with as long as you didn't make a habit of setting off his temper problems. He was neat, he was considerate, he was not nosy and he considered your personal choices to be personal. Of course, if he was really concerned about something he might point it out but he had no problems with Nell. She was a bit pacifistic but he could deal. He actually laughed when she inquired about his name. "It's Biblical," he snorted. "I think it means something like 'god rescues', but my parents just named me after one of our ancestors on Dad's side." There was a familiar pang as he once again brought up his parents but he didn't sound bitter or linger on this. "My middle name," he said, avoiding the use of it, "means dark-haired, and at least that's accurate."
He smirked his amusement when Nell covered her cats ears, greatly amused by the way she treated it like the cat could understand what they were saying. Playing it up for the dramatics he covered his mouth as if he'd just said something horrible. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry." He couldn't keep a straight face for too long before he was laughing again, gray eyes bright with his amusement. He loved hanging around Nell because she lifted his mood with her humour and overall antics. "I love you," he chuckled, shaking his head. This was why he didn't want to lose this girl. He'd never really had anyone he felt this way about before. He had friends and he had best friends but the connection he had with Nell went deeper than that. Perhaps it was the comfort that she knew the dark details of his past and he didn't have to always step lightly to avoid having her find out about them. He always worried about his friends finding out and judging him because of that. "That sounds good," he said, nodding. He knew where she kept her plastic bags thanks to having lived with her for a while and so he went and retrieved one before going back to her and sitting down on the couch for a moment. Gingerly as if handing delicate china, for he got the feeling the cranes were special as a former ritual with her sister, Joshua deposited them all into the bag so that they no longer cluttered the table. "There," he pronounced, though he left the bag with his girlfriend so that she could continue adding to the collection. At this point he stood up again and went back over to the shopping to list what he'd gotten.
Her tone was taken into account when she spoke and Joshua was rather surprised by just how happy she sounded. It made him feel good that he could do something to cheer her up, that he could have that sort of effect on anyone that he loved, really. He always felt rather empowered and important when he could take that sort of role, even if it was only for the duration of a sickness. His presence mattered, he meant something to someone. It was what he'd always strived for as a kid--acceptance. From society, from his peers, from his father, even from the gang. "Of course," he replied warmly with a smile. "I said I would." And he was a man of his word for the most part. If he ever made a promise to a friend it was almost like swearing under oath for him. It was important and it was to be taken seriously, even for something as silly as shepherd's pie. It didn't seem silly to Nell, though, because she sounded so happy about it. This pleased him. "I did," he agreed. "You mentioned it and so I got it for you. I noticed you were sneezing a lot, too, so I figured that tissues were a safe bet." He was very perceptive and observant when it came to his friends. Certain things he was not informed of might fly over his head but he generally noticed when there was something different about them, something wrong. Sneezing wasn't exactly the most subtle thing in the world. "Any time," he said softly when she thanked him.
Excusing himself to go into the kitchen, Joshua busied himself over the stove for a moment. He had his laptop sitting on the counter beside him so that he could look up how to properly make the dish. He was good at taking direction and so whilst it was cooking he put on the hot water for the tea as well. He had picked up a jar of honey and some fresh lemons as well, just to be safe. Though Joshua was from a rather spoiled background and had been used to other people making his food and doing his laundry and such for most of his life, the few months where he'd had his own apartment had been good for him. He fell into the familiar habit of cooking without much difficulty--it was a little different to be working from an online guide rather than a book but the same principle applied. There were instructions and he followed them. Once it was finished he removed the kettle from the stove and made the tea, making sure there was a decent amount of both the honey and the lemon so that it would do it's proper job of soothing the ache in her throat and calming the cough. "This should make you feel better," he said when he brought it out, sitting beside her again. He was a bit hungry himself but he resolved that he would look after his own needs later, maybe when Nell was asleep. Thank goodness he had called the school and taken the week off, as well, or juggling his hectic schedule would have been a serious issue. "Anything else you need?"
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 4, 2011 17:19:33 GMT -5
The Earth girl had never really put much thought into her name before she was forced to change it. No, not forced—it was certainly a good thing. It was what she wanted. But she guessed she already had enough distance from her family even before she decided on a new identity. The change in nomenclature just made it concrete. ”A Biblical name?” she considered, blinking. Nell was aware that enough people had names that came from the tome. It was a little ironic that Josh was an atheist, but it wasn’t like his parents would know—she was sure that a lot of children with names like Mary or John turned out to be atheists. It made Nell wonder what parents had in mind when naming their children. When they looked at their baby for the first time, what did they see in their future? Did Josh’s parents predict him to be “god rescues”? Or was it really just because of his ancestor that he’d been named? Either way, she wore a wry smile as she said, ”It’d be a shame if you turned out to be blond.” She knew his middle name was Donovan from the time his mother had broken it out when their heated argument. Nell tried not to think about the family that he’d been estranged from. It made her feel like a bitch whenever she thought of how she was to blame for it.
Nell sighed as if in resignation when Josh joked back. ”You’re lucky he only speaks Spanish.” Well, she believe he may somewhat understand the language, or the sounds of it. Excited now, she told Josh, ”Ooh, ooh, he knows learned something new.” She urged the cat up by bopping him on the behind and he tried to find his footing on her legs as she told him in a stern tone, ”Sientate.” He blinked at her before taking a few steps and curling back up into a ball. After a few coughs, Nell said, ”Well that meant sit, but close enough!” She was jealous of the cat who seemed to be able to sleep about twenty hours a day. Nell just had too much energy most of the time, even though now her reserves seemed to be depleted. She’d never really felt this way before, and it was very concerning for her. Actually, she had felt something similar, and maybe that was why it was so concerning—she didn’t like to think on it. She tilted her head as Josh put all her cranes into the bag, that nice feeling coming back again and making her so thankful for him. Even though she hated to be at all dependent on anyone, it was gestures like this that really made her happy. ”Thanks,” she said, pulling on the head and tail of her newest crane to make the wings flap. She’d been counting in her head and she was repeating the number over and over in her head so she wouldn’t forget.
That’s why when Josh next spoke, she said out loud, ”Eight-hundred…uh, I mean thanks again for the…stuff. Really.” Nell didn’t like to make a habit of lying, especially not with Josh. Her entire life was built on top of a lie so she when it came to her thoughts and feelings, she was as genuine as she possibly could be. Nell leaned back into the couch, overcoming a new feeling of…well, it wasn’t really nausea, it was more an overall feeling of crappiness. It made her uncomfortable, and she wondered what else she could do while she was fuzzy. Once put on a path it was difficult to steer her away from it, but folding cranes for hours straight hurt her hands. She had books she could. Re-read, actually, since it was mostly comics and her beat-up old Kafka she ‘stole’ from the public library years back. There were her card games and her board games which she could rope Josh into she supposed, and when she thought of that he came out from the kitchen. She couldn’t help but remember what her father had said about the men of the Fuentes family, how it was pretty much built into their genes. She didn’t inform Josh of this—she didn’t make a habit of sharing pointless information about herself or her family. She blinked at the tea as if completely unaware of how it was even made, but it was because what Josh was doing still needed some getting used to. ”T-thank you,” she said, bracing herself before taking a sip and wincing from how hot it was. ”Uh…no,” she chirped, and not simply because she didn’t like asking for anything but because she honestly didn’t know what else Josh could do for her more than he already was. ”Well, I was hoping to rope you into a game of Candyland…” she said with a small smile, her throat feeling better already.
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 4, 2011 19:14:46 GMT -5
Joshua nodded in confirmation. "My parents have never mentioned anything about religion," he shrugged. He was pretty sure that Donovan was a skeptic because he based a lot of beliefs in science like Joshua himself and if his mother was in any way religious she had never told him as much. It was nice to have grown up in an environment where that sort of thing hadn't been forced upon him because he didn't think he'd have liked being pushed in that direction. "What does your name mean?" he asked her curiously, wondering if she knew. He had looked his own up out of curiosity when a few people in the library had been having a discussion he'd overheard so it was entirely possible that she had done something similar. He was honestly curious about Nell and the things surrounding her because she was an interesting person, or so he believed. Remembering that she had changed her last name to Shepherd of her own accord, he blinked at her. "Do you plan on legally changing your name if... when you can?" He amended the question to sound a little more optimistic. 'If' sounded like there was a chance she'd never get to that point. He knew that this was entirely possible thanks to the trial but seeing as neither of them liked discussing that he was going to pretend that it didn't exist. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Or in this case, just out of mind in general.
Though he still didn't buy the fact that Pablo knew Spanish, Joshua allowed Nell to believe what she liked seeing as it obviously provided her with some sense of glee. It was rather amusing to watch her prod the cat awake and have the command ignored complete. At least, he assumed that Pablo ignored it. He doubted that Nell had said 'Hey, Pablo, curl up and ignore me!' He was about to ask her what she'd told him to do when she helpfully provided it aloud and Josh chuckled. "You're getting there," he said, humouring her a little. If she hadn't been ill he might have been a little more serious and let on that he really didn't think this was going anywhere but he wasn't going to be an ass about it. She deserved what little humour she could find in this situation especially since she probably wasn't going to be able to leave the house for the next several days. He chuckled quietly when he accidentally interrupted her train of thought. "Sorry," he said. "I should have realised you were concentrating." He hoped that he hadn't made Nell lose count or anything. "Don't you keep track of it?" he asked curiously, remembering that she'd originally had a piece of paper with writing on it.
It would have been helpful if he could take the temperature out of things as well as heat them so that Nell didn't burn her tongue with the heat of the tea but he didn't warn her to be careful or anything like that. Nell was not a child nor an invalid and Josh understood that she could look after herself. "Candyland?" he repeated, then shrugged. He'd spent the day playing board games with Nell before when making up for her missed birthday and as long as they were both in a good mood he didn't mind. He'd played them a lot when Annabel was younger and they were the only ones in the house. 'Big brother' became the scapegoat for childhood amusement. "Dibs on red," he said with a grin, solely for the irony that it represented his element. Red was not his favourite colour, he actually preferred green, but hell. It was, as they say, just a game. "Where do you keep the game? I'll go grab it." After going to retrieve the game he excused himself for a moment to go to the kitchen and make popcorn. It had been a last second weakness when he was leaving the store and, well, Josh was never good at holding back. If he saw something and wanted it, the rather spoiled teenager usually got it. Returning with the buttery bowl of goodness, he grinned. "Right, anyway. How do we work out who goes first? Do you want to, or should we put it to the dice?"
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 4, 2011 22:28:14 GMT -5
Nell wanted to ask a few more questions about his parents, but the guilt kept her from it. He seemed okay talking about his parents like this, but she couldn’t help the feeling she always got when thinking of his father. She faltered for a moment when Josh asked about her name, surprised that he’d do that since she gave no indication that she wanted to talk about it. ”Oh! Uh…” she said, recovering and organizing her thoughts. Her mother had explained it to the two girls before, and since thoughts of her mother were painful, it took a bit to even remember. ”It means ‘light’ in Greek. Till and I were meant to match, being twins and all. Hers means ‘strong’ in German.” Nell took a moment to appreciate the irony of it through her confused haze. Tilly had been physically weak one, and yet she was the light in Nell’s childhood. She was again caught off-guard by another unprompted question, blinking a few times and furrowing her eyebrows together. To add to that, she really hadn’t thought much about her future because there was that roadblock in the form of a trial. She recognized the shift away from the scary ‘if’ and didn’t know what to make of it—what to make of him, actually. ”Yeah, it’s been a better name for me than Sinclair Fuentes ever was.” She wasn’t even a ‘Sinclair Fuentes’—two names that should have never been put together. Nell was the black sheep of the family, and had been outcasted from birth, just like her mother. Now don’t go down that path. Even though she was more comfortable in talking to Josh about these things than anyone else, she was still reeling from the question. She understood when they played twenty questions—it had been a game after all.
Nell wasn't aware that maybe this was a hopeless cause, and didn’t realize that Josh thought as much. However, she still held belief that it was possible. ”Maybe…” she said with a sigh, petting Pablo. ”I mean, I know it seems weird, but my friend has been training her cat with a little clicker. So if cats can recognize sounds like that, then they might be able to recognize cues in languages.” Even though it seemed silly, she had actually thought it out. She did that sometimes. Still, the idea came to her even before then. Nell was just so amazed by Pablo since she’d never had a pet before that she wanted to try as much as she could with the cat. She’d always be indebted to Josh for what he did…as eccentric and confusing as it had been. The girl had realized that people didn’t just give their friends cats because they were upset, though she didn’t have a lot of real world experience to tell her so. Nell laughed when he apologized. ”It’s okay,” she assured him. ”I have a piece of paper, but when I’m on a roll I just count in my head.” She stopped for a second, blinking as she tried to remember the number she was at. ”We’re good,” she said with a relieved breath as she remembered, taking the paper off the coffee table and writing down the number.
Nodding enthusiastically, she said, ”Do you like it?” Then, less seriously, she said, ”I mean, it is about candy.” She took another sip of the tea to hide her smile, and this time it had cooled off enough to allow for some small sips. He called red and she waved her hand dismissively. She was definitely in a better mood than before, even though she was still well aware of how…fuzzy she was. Hopefully Candyland will help to take her mind off of how bad she felt. ”You can have red, I’m taking blue.” when it came to color, she was pretty lax, but it was always nice to have your favorite. ”It’s in the closet,” she told him, gesturing to the area. Nell felt at least more at ease with having him do things like this, since they were just small acts. She snorted when he brought back popcorn, and set the board up on the coffee table, taking out their pieces and the cards they’d need. As she busied herself, Nell said to Josh’s question, ”We can do rock, paper, scissors since I don’t have dice on my person at the moment.” If they were playing a card game that required dice—or yahtzee—it would be a different story. She held her fisted hand in the palm of her other in prepaeration, feeling like she was once again with her sister in their own little world where she wasn’t sick and they could leave any time they wanted to.
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 4, 2011 23:43:13 GMT -5
Joshua blinked at his girlfriend when she seemed surprised, not having expected this. They were having a conversation about names and she'd asked about his so he didn't see why it was so surprising that he'd returned the question. "Why so shocked?" he asked her lightly, voiced betraying some of his own confusion. He didn't try to hide his emotions around Nell as much because he trusted her enough to let his guard down. Moving on from this he actually listened to the definition of her name and his lips twitched into a smile. "Light," he repeated. "It fits you, I like it." His tone was earnest and did not show any signs of teasing or joking around. He really did think that 'light' fit his girlfriend. She was always so kind-hearted and selfless. He automatically associated 'light' with 'good' and thus kindness and all of Nell's other good qualities seemed to apply. It definitely fit her better than 'god rescues' fit him. His lips twitched into a slight smile as this thought came to mind but he did not voice it aloud. "Then I say go for it," he mused. If she wanted her name to reflect on her own personality then he was going to be supportive in her decision to change her name legally. If the trial went alright. He tried not to think about that if at the moment. Instead, he thought of his own surname and how it ached to know that he was no longer a 'part' of the family. I spent my whole life being proud of this name and now... this.
Though he was a skeptic, Joshua did consider Nell's words. He was not completely closed off to new ideas and so he frowned thoughtfully as she spoke of her friend. "Oh?" he said, curious about this clicker that she was talking about. "Did she tell you how she went about training it?" He knew that dogs could learn commands like 'sit' and 'stay' with different words or cues as well as in different languages, so he supposed that cats might be able to as well. However, what Nell was trying to do with Pablo was admittedly a little different. Trying to teach a cat an entire language was a lot different than a couple of commands. "Maybe if you had visual cues as well as the words he might catch on faster?" he suggested. Poor Pablo probably had no idea what his owner was trying to get him to do. He did not think that cats were less intelligent than dogs because they could not pick up on commands as quickly, just that they were a lot more finicky and independent. Of course, this was coming from Joshua who was a cat person and thus thoroughly biased. "Good," he said in relief when Nell assured him that she'd not lost count. He would have hated to mess her up when she was so close to her goal, especially since the folding ritual seemed to be a pretty big deal to her. It was another thing that he didn't necessarily believe in but would humour Nell no matter whether she was ill or not, for he thought it was adorable that she'd been doing it with her sister all those years ago.
Nell seemed rather excited about the prospect of the board game. This provided Joshua with some entertainment. In truth he was more likely to enjoy Nell's company and commentary than the game itself but that was alright. Just as he had suffered through several games with Annabel when she wanted company he could definitely power through a game or ten with Nell. Besides, Nell was around his age and not to mention his girlfriend--they could hold intelligent conversation whilst they moved the little markers across the board. Annabel generally got too into the game to care about casual chatter. "It's alright," he shrugged, seeming at ease with the idea of playing even if he wasn't exactly excited. He chuckled at her comment about candy, not missing the reference to his sweet tooth. He could rival a child at times with his intense love of anything sweet. "In the closet?" he repeated with a perfectly straight face. "What, have you caught it with one of your other board games when it thought you weren't looking?" Gray eyes sparkled as he got up from the couch to apparently 'out' the board game. Back in the living room with Nell he shrugged and nodded in agreement to rock, paper, scissors. He didn't really care about who went first and thus did not try very hard, resulting in a pretty easy win for Nell. "You first," he invited in a casual tone, sounding relaxed.
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 6, 2011 13:32:42 GMT -5
Nell looked around, as if trying to find an answer to her boyfriend’s question. Why so shocked? Didn’t think you cared. It seemed like a strange question for her to receive. ”Oh, it’s nothing,” she said with a small laugh that evolved into a cough. She went on to explain, ”Just didn’t think it was important.” She’d asked about his name but she didn’t think he’d be as interested to know about her own. Nell didn’t think the little details about herself were that important, and whenever asked about herself it took a moment to think about. She didn’t think she’d told anyone about her name, because it was in connection with her sister, and sometimes the girl was hard to bring up. Good thing she didn’t really talk about herself. Except with Josh, it seemed. She didn’t expect the compliment either, and she tried to keep the blush she knew was coming at bay. ”Well, thanks,” she said, knowing her face was heating up. Not too good since she was still suffering through the strange hot/cold sensations with the random chills she was getting. Her body was definitely at odds with her right now, but conversation with Josh was certainly helping. She really didn’t know what she’d have done without him. She smiled at his encouragement as she recovered from her blush, and told him, ”I guess I’ll have to then.” Her thoughts went to the trial, either. Would emancipating herself matter now that she was just going to be imprisoned again? Her name was supposed to be liberation for her, but her future prospects didn’t show much liberation to her.
It was nice to hear that Josh was interested in Pablo’s language lessons, and her smile was bright as she said, ”No, not really. I know she said something about treats, but she spent the rest of the day harrassing me with the clicker.” It was loud and obnoxious, and even though Nell wasn’t too jumpy, hearing that right in your ear when you weren’t expecting it could very near give you a heart attack. Josh offered some tips, and she pursed her lips as she thought, looking down at the ball of fur that was currently not trying to ruin everything in the apartment. Her thoughts wandered to Picasso and wondered if he was doing the same thing right now, taking a nap. But she couldn’t ask Josh about that. He wouldn’t even know. ”Well, I have flashcards. Maybe treats would work too. And…hand signals, I suppose?” Since Josh gave all appearences of taking this seriously, this encouraged her to take it more seriously, as well. The truth was, she really just liked teaching the language. She knew that when she had children she’d teach them Spanish just as her father had taught her and Tilly. When. That wasn’t the right word to use, because it was very much an if. If she could have a life not spent behind bars, and because from there her thoughts would have become very gloomy from there, she focused on the prospect of playing Candyland with her boyfriend. That way she could stay cheerful through her fuzziness.
With a matching serious expression as Josh, she joked back, “Yeah, with my Sorry board. I just wish it would talk to me about these things. I mean, I already know. With a name like Candyland...” she trailed off and sighed, glad that her throat was now less easily irritated from the tea. She tried not to focus on how crappy she felt because that would only remind her of the fact that she may have to deal with this for a while. She wouldn’t enjoy being sick for long periods of time, no one would. It was terrifying to even consider, so she simply focused once again on the game of rock, paper, scissors. ”Darn straight, I’m first,” she bragged playfully as she drew a card from the pile and moved her piece to the color. It was obvious this game was for young children, since it was meant for teaching colors, but she enjoyed its simplicity nontheless. ”And I’m already winning. Shape up, ese,” Nell told Josh with a grin, snapping her fingers. It was entertaining taking a children’s game seriously, though she was not as competetive as she pretended to be. Even when playing games that were more serious, like blackjack and chess (especially since she knew she really had little chance against Josh in chess).
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 6, 2011 14:19:24 GMT -5
Though Nell did explain why she'd been confused Joshua still didn't quite understand it. She had clearly been interested in knowing what his own name had meant so the graduate had figured that she wouldn't be surprised if he returned the question. Even though he wasn't the best at conversation even Josh knew the return tactics. If you wanted to carry on a conversation longer, flip the other person's question back on them. That was another reason he tried to avoid asking personal things of people he did not know well. He was always wary they'd ask him in return. "Why wouldn't it be?" He hoped that he wasn't irritating her too much with his stream of questions over something as simple as her name but really, he did want to know. He didn't really give a shit about these small details in people he didn't care about but when it was Nell he was definitely more interested in knowing about her. Couple though they may have been it felt like they still had a lot to learn about one another and, well, Josh was a curious person once you got to know him well enough. "I like it when you tell me things about yourself," he said earnestly. He wasn't aiming for flattery or anything like that, just speaking his mind. "You're an interesting person." Nell's self-esteem--or lack thereof--was one of the many things that Josh did not know much about. He wasn't aware that she thought herself as practically worthless. She meant so much to him that even considering something like that was far-fetched. He did grin devilishly when she blushed, however. "I should compliment you more often if it flusters you this much," he teased.
Joshua snorted in amusement when she spoke of her friend, rolling his gray eyes. Of course. He had experience with people trying to get on his nerves by doing silly things like that before and even though Nell had probably taken it well enough with Joshua it usually ended up a fight. Whether said fight was verbal or physical all depended on his mood and who was bothering him. "I'm not sure a cat would know to understand a flashcard," he said, frowning in thought. "Maybe, though hand signals might work better." He knew that animals like apes and such were able to learn from such things but he wasn't as confident that a cat would. Maybe they could learn, but whilst cats were inquisitive they usually cared more about finding new ways to destroy things or new places to curl up and sleep. Not Spanish lessons. Josh raised a brow as Nell appeared quite thrilled by the fact that she'd won, apparently unphased. He didn't mind that she had the upper hand because board games were one of the few things he did not really take seriously. Except chess. He was very good at chess being that it was a game of logic and skill so he took that with rigid seriousness most of the time he played. It was possible to play a casual game with him but if you weren't playing to win he could usually whoop your ass. "Just wait until you get a card that makes you go backwards," he said smoothly, smirking at her as he moved the little red marker to a few spots behind her own. He didn't realise she was kidding with how serious she took it but he also didn't mind too much. He was in this for her company, nothing else.
Tossing back a couple pieces of popcorn, Joshua did not really lament the fact that he had literally condemned himself to the next week like this. It did not bother the Fire elemental that he would have to abandon his usually busy schedule--if this had been for no reason he probably would have gotten antsy and restless easily, but it was for a reason. Nell was sick and so he was going to make sure she got better so they could both leave the apartment. Even if it meant staying indoors playing Candyland all night. "How's the food?" he asked her, wondering if the online guide had been trustworthy enough. He knew that Nell had all the pickiness of a garbage disposal when it came to her food but he would still trust her tastebuds a lot more than he would trust 'intuition'. He was confident in himself but he was also a vegetarian so he couldn't really vouch for it as easily. "Your throat sounds better." It was a remark rather than a question, accompanied by a bit of a smile. He was glad that he was able to help her. It came with that feeling of efficiency again. It was ironic that someone as confident as he was still needed silent reassuring of his worth sometimes. He never went fishing for compliments because they were not sincere that way but rather kept an underhanded eye on things to see if anything he tried to do was having a positive effect. He didn't like relying on others for his own sense of self and so he just picked up things on his own time instead.
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 6, 2011 18:45:23 GMT -5
Nell shifted her legs, somewhat uncomfortable with Josh’s question. She shrugged. ”Because…I don’t think it is.” And since she didn’t think the things about herself were important, then they weren’t. She never thought about herself enough for it to matter. She was always intererested to hear about Josh, though. When first meeting him he was pretty much an enigma, and she wanted to hear about his life and his family and whatever else he had to say. She didn’t come into the equation, as if her existence was basically for his sake, and the sake of anyone else who needed her. Nell sa back, once again confused by the fact that Josh seemed to want to hear about her. It made her feel self-conscious, put on the spot, and she didn’t know what to do about that. ”O-okay,” she said, her face heating up again. Was he being serious, or was he just kidding around? Nell was used to not telling anyone anything, even her hobbies and interests. She didn’t believe it would make a difference to the person she was talking to. At his next statement, she was waving her hands around in front of her and saying, ”I’m not that interesting at all, really.” Her face still red, she said quietly, ”But thanks.” This wasn’t fishing for compliments, it was trying to move the spotlight away from her. The fact that she was just a microcosm compared to other people in the world was something she’d come to accept a long time ago. That’s why she liked to support others. She didn’t want to think about herself, because she realized how terrible she really was, just like her mother told her. She’d also come to accept the fact that if she’d been the one to die instead of Tilly, than everything would have been better for the people in her life. It still hurt to know that her mother would have given her over in an instant in order to have Tilly back. If your parents didn’t think you were important, then that said it all. Just when she thought she was recovering, Josh pointed out how embarrassed she was, and all she could muster was a wide-eyed stare. ”No, that’s fine, you don’t have to compliment me.” And though this came out less nervous than her other words, she was still obviously befuddled.
Her hopes were dashed when Josh told her that he didn’t think a cat would be able to learn from a flashcard, but just a little bit. She had other methods that she could use, as she was discussing with Josh now. ”Hmm…I guess using gestures might be good. But Pablo has a bit of a rebellious streak, that’s the problem.” He didn’t like to listen to what she said, that was for sure. Hopefully Josh was right, though, in that it was possible. His opinion and words really mattered, and not only because he was intelligent, but because she liked to believe in him. Except when he told her that she was interesting. ”I guess once he gets over licking his crotch all the time, we can work something out,” she said lightly, even though he was sleeping quite innocently right now. Understanding that Josh was a serious business guy, she wasn’t about to freak out about how damn enthused about this she was. She honestly wasn’t that excited, but it was a way to kill time and have fun when she didn’t feel like she could do much else. ”Pssh, it’s on,” she said when he brought up the card that could make her go backward. It seemed that he jinxed her though, since she landed on a spot and she couldn’t move until she drew another card with the same color. ”You had to say something, Josh,” Nell said with a sigh. Of course, getting a bad card in the game did little to affect her mood.
Josh asked about the food, and she said very enthusiastically, ”It’s really good. You should be like…a professional chef. Or something.” A job in culinary sounded pretty good to her, actually. Any job when she could be around food. Of course, she didn’t like to think about her possibly limited future. And she tried not to wonder how prison food is. ”I mean if you could make a meat dish like this, the possibilities are endless.” She said this jokingly, though the intent was serious because she was impressed by the fact that Josh could make food with beef in it and not screw it up. She supposed it wasn’t too difficult, but not only was she easily impressed, but she’d believe Josh sharpening a pencil would be an example of ingeniuty. Nell was equally enthusiastic to respond, ”Not only my throat, but I feel a lot better.” Not a total and complete truth, but having her stomach full after just wretching in the toilet was definitelly helping. And the tea was helping with her throat. Josh hadn’t mentioned any specific way that she could kick this thing, but she thought he’d tell her if there was. So she would just stick it out. Because she felt like this was centered too much around her, she asked, ”How are you feeling?” He wasn’t the one sick here, and he would have told her if there was anything ailiing him, but she still felt the need to ask. She wasn’t used to being taken care of and the new questions that Josh was asking her.
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 6, 2011 19:18:18 GMT -5
Joshua was rather dissatisfied by Nell's obvious lack of faith in herself. If someone as often arrogant and selfish as he was could be proud of himself, why couldn't Nell love herself for who she was? Josh was not altogether ignorant of her flaws but they were also not so noticeable that he thought they needed pointing out. Insecurity was one of those flaws and that wasn't even a bad thing toward other people, just Nell herself. He considered her pacifism a flaw because she wouldn't defend herself, he considered her selflessness a flaw (sometimes) because she only looked after other people. However, when you matched them up to the flaws of someone like Joshua they paled in comparison. "Are you doubting my judgement?" he challenged her, arching his dark brows. Fine, then. If she wasn't going to look at it from a normal standpoint then he was at least going to back her into a corner and force her to accept what a good person she was. Joshua was not normally someone who could be considered pushy but he had a firm personality when he felt it was necessary. Like now. "I think you're interesting. I'm sure plenty of people would agree." Whose opinions was she basing this off, anyway? He knew that low self esteem could often stem from verbal and emotional abuse from your peers but he really didn't know how anyone could insult Nell. There wasn't much to poke fun at, really. Josh was trying to understand his girlfriend but she was really just a confusing person overall. "Riddle me this, then. Why don't you think you're interesting?" He was not going to let this rest as easily as he usually did. Joshua usually had the sense of when to back down and butt out of someone's life but this was his girlfriend, this was different. He wanted her to feel good about herself and he really couldn't understand why she didn't.
He was not so convinced by her next statement. It had merely been a light-hearted joke to point out the fact that he noticed her blush but the fact that Nell was insisting compliments were unnecessary made him want to prove his point even more. Why are you so hard on yourself? He confused Nell, sure, but she confused him just as much. They just couldn't learn to understand one another. He'd thought he was getting pretty good at doing so and then this had come out of left field and slapped him in the face. "No, I think I do," he said, his tone now serious. "Honestly, Nell, do you think I'm so dull that I'd settle for dating you if you weren't an interesting person? If I didn't think you were worthwhile?" Internally, his thoughts went to another place. Do you really think I'd have held out this long without taking it to the next level? He had spent years of his life as a free man, single and enjoying the options it gave him. He never had to commit to the girls he slept with, it was easy to just get what he wanted and then get the hell out of there. Then Nell had come along and it was exactly the opposite. Now he wanted commitment and so he couldn't try to force things with her, not wanting to add to her stress level with the threat of the upcoming trial. Do you really think I'd try this hard if I didn't care? He didn't want to put that pressure on her by pointing it out. I don't want Nell to feel that she has to sleep with me. If he somehow got across the wrong message, that he was getting sick and tired of waiting, then that might actually push her further away from him. Josh didn't want that. So he would wait. In truth, he didn't exactly know what he was waiting for. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now there would just be endless frustration and lots of cold showers.
His gray eyes were playful as he quite literally stuck his tongue out at her. Joshua did not often let his inner child have any say in his behaviour and mannerisms. In truth, though his childhood had been much, much better than Nell's, he hadn't had much of one. It had been by choice rather than anything else--he hadn't wanted to play board games and watch television. He'd preferred his books because they didn't judge him as quickly as other people did. It was a rather apathetic and depressing reason to choose a hobby but Josh hadn't viewed it like that--he still didn't view it like that. Instead, he just liked reading and stuck with it. "I called that shit." Well, okay, he'd been saying that she'd go backward but staying in the same spot was close enough. He advanced a few squares ahead of her and mocked a victory dance but knew it probably wouldn't last for very long--he was just acting silly because she was and hell, why not? If it could keep her mood in high spirits then ridiculous behaviour it was. "Me?" he echoed in obvious surprise when Nell inquired. "I'm fine... why?" He didn't realise that she just felt uncomfortable with all of the attention being fixed on her. Joshua still didn't understand and grasp the fact that Nell lived for other people. She was just too nice, too good to be true. He figured there had to be at least some part of her that didn't mind it. Of course, he was probably wrong, but he was a selfish and entitled person. It was hard for him to understand.
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 7, 2011 19:10:58 GMT -5
Josh knew her better than he thought he did, because he understood exactly what to say to make her hesitate. His opinion certainly mattered, and she didn’t want him to think that she didn’t listen to what he had to say. ”No,” she said in a tiny voice. Working up a bit of courage, she amended, ”…Maybe.” There was no use in lying to him about it. She could make up her own mind about things, and Josh wasn’t always right. That didn’t mean she liked him any less, but when it came to certain matters—like how interesting she was—Josh didn’t seem to have the best judgment. That was her opinion of course. But Josh wasn’t letting up and seemed to want to tell her that he—and others—thought of her as interesting. This just made her even more uncomfortable. She didn’t realize if anyone believed her to be interesting, becase one conversed like that. It wasn’t natural. “Hey Nell, you’re interesting and you matter.” Maybe if she had had someone to tell her that years ago, it would have been different. But that wasn’t what happened. What she’d learned was that she wasn’t interesting enough to keep her father around and what she spent most of her childhood doing was looking after Tilly. It was her comfort zone. Nell didn’t consciously recognize the Freudian ties to her insecurities. And the reason was simple. ”I…I don’t really think about it,” she said, shrugging to show that the matter was insignificant and the conversation should end very soon. ”I like thinking about other people. They’re interesting.” Nell didn’t see how this was a problem and so didn’t understand why Josh was pushing this and making her feel off-balance. Josh tended to do that quite a bit, and she wondered what it was about him that made her so nervous.
Josh continued his questioning, and she wished she could melt away. Is this how Eliot's Prufrock felt? she wondered off-handedly. Do I dare disturb the universe? She wanted to be as insignificant as the aging man. And right now, she was that bug on the end of the pin, under glass for inspection. It made her avert her gaze so she didn’t have to look at him. ”I don’t know,” she said desperately, trying to get out of this. Nell honestly didn’t consider the fact that she was interesting was the reason he asked her out. She didn’t wonder why, because it honestly confused her. She knew what she liked about Josh. He was good to her and he made her happy. He was smart, and loyal, and And just as he was aware of her flaws, she knew about his and accepted him. It was difficult for her to turn her attention on herself, however, because all she knew about were flaws. That’s what the focus had been on for so many years. ”I told you, I just don’t think about it.” She really just wanted to move on, because she as feeling very awkward. Good thing he didn’t bring up the sex issue, else that have made her even more awkward. Not that she didn’t find Josh attractive or that she was an asexual creature, it just wasn’t what she had on her mind. Even if it was, with her status of insecure virgin, she wouldn’t know how to go about doing anything. It was better not to think about it, just like everything else in her life that she chose to push to the side.
Nell was glad when they could just play the game and not talk about her. She even snorted when Josh stuck his tongue out at her, covering her mouth to stop giggles. If she laughed too much, she had a feeling it would just make her throat feel even more raw, and that’s not what she wanted on her road to recovery. ”Oh, all right,” she said, rolling her eyes at his bragging. It was her turn to stick out her tongue when he showboated after getting ahead of her. Focusing back on the game, she crossed her fingers before drawing a card…and it was the wrong color. ”Hasbro just has a vendetta against me, I know it,” she muttered as she put the card down. Nell wasn’t the kind of person who started seriously complaining about a game when she was losing. She knew how people could become bitter and think the game is dumb once they weren’t ahead. Instead, she just waited for Josh to move and continue to win. Josh questioned why she inquired about his well-being and she shook her head and lifted her shoulders. ”I wanted to know.” Then, she added, ”And you were asking me questions. I didn’t want you to be left out.” Nell rather liked talking about Josh and how he was being. ”Does it bother you?” she asked with concern, hoping that wasn’t why he was caught off-guard.
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 7, 2011 19:43:01 GMT -5
Joshua actually scowled a little when Nell admitted that she was doubting him. He knew that he was not always right even though he often wanted to be right about everything (who didn't?) but this was an opinion and he didn't like her suggesting that he was somehow leading her astray with it. Why can't she just trust me? He didn't want his temper sparked just because his girlfriend didn't think as highly of herself as she should have but he couldn't help the burning irritation that was starting to fester in the back of his mind. It was easier to control anger around Nell but that meant very little. It didn't mean it would go away, it just meant he might be able to avoid a full-blown argument. "So basically," he said, "you're telling me that I've got the wrong idea about you?" He did not like his opinion being counted as invalid. Where before he had felt like he mattered and was doing something helpful this felt like the reverse. She would take all the negative opinions into account but if she got something positive it was 'wrong'? Perhaps it was his own confidence that made it so hard to understand. He had always doubted that his father would notice him but in everything else he had not cared or at least not let it get to him too much. The opinions of friends were different, sure, but he also listened to the good ones. Nell liked him. He didn't really get why but he accepted it and it made him feel good about himself. He wanted to do the same for her. Well, if what I say doesn't matter... The thought was bitter and he almost felt guilty about that.
He actually rolled his eyes when she spoke of other people, unable to help himself from displaying this sign of his exasperation as he sighed and tried to keep himself calm. This is Nell. You can't get mad over something so stupid. Rational as the thought was it only helped a little bit. "I find you interesting just as you find others interesting," he said stubbornly, making it pretty clear that the subject was not going to drop as easily as she wanted it to. The irony that this was putting them at odds rather than bringing them any closer was currently lost on him thanks to his mingled confusion and irritation. "You do matter, Nell, you are an interesting person. Why won't you accept that?" The frustration was there but he was not behaving too aggressively toward her. His girlfriend was sick and he loved her and he wasn't really mad, per say, just determined. He wanted her to accept this and not to please him but because she actually started to believe it was true. Or is that too much to hope for? The thoughts were unpleasant and barbed. He calmed down enough to sigh again, but this time it was not angry. "I care about you, Nell. I wouldn't be here if I didn't and I wouldn't care if you weren't such a good person, an interesting person." Good, interesting, it was all the same. He didn't like how low her self-worth had gotten and internally made a note to compliment her on occasions when she wasn't expecting it. He'd never say anything insincere but maybe he really did need to start pointing out the little things he noticed.
He was smug about his winning position... until he drew the very backwards card he'd been making fun of her for and ended up only a space ahead of Nell. Damn. It was a brief though and held no actual disappointment. "Both of us, apparently," he chuckled in regards to the comment on Hasbro. Shaking his head, Joshua furrowed his brow. "Why would it?" he said. "I've told you before, you can ask me anything. No matter how personal, pointless, whatever, I was just... surprised, I guess." It still miffed him slightly that he wasn't allowed to ask her questions about herself without getting a lesson on How Uninteresting Nell Is and yet she asked about him and his life on an almost daily basis. It didn't bug him that she showed interest, no, but he wished he could show that same interest in return without being questioned about it. He was silent for a long moment as they played their game, this observation eating at the back of his mind. He didn't want to start a fight with her but Joshua was someone who almost always spoke his mind about issues. "You ask things about me, right?" He gave no pause for answer before he continued, "You're interested in my life. I get that, I do, so I don't mind. So why does it shock you that I find you interesting?" He was sure that a lot of people found her interesting. He didn't talk about Nell with other people but he was sure she wouldn't have so many friends if she was a dull person.
|
|
|
Post by NELL DOE DALE on Nov 8, 2011 19:40:10 GMT -5
Nell didn’t want her boyfriend to think what he said didn’t matter. They just had differing opinons. Or rather, he had different opinions than her lack of opinion about herself. She really didn’t know what she thought about herself, because if she did take time ot consider who she was, she’d come to realize just how much about herself that she hated. That she didn’t want Josh to know. Her eyes were panicked when he challenged her. ”I don’t know,” she said, her voice strained and bordering on a question. She felt like a broken record, repeating this phrase over and over because it was the best answer she could come up with for him. Josh said she was interesting, but Nell couldn’t find anything interesting about herself because she just didn’t think about herself. She didn’t ever turn her thoughts over to examine her psyche. It was a scary thing for her. ”I don’t know if you’ve got the wrong idea about me,” she started again, ”because I don’t really know about myself.” She hated doing this to Josh, basically knocking on his door and unloading her emotional baggage. But it was true, and she didn’t understand how else she could explain it to him. Nell had never been put into a position like this before, and she didn’t know how to react. It was strange, new territory being considered interesting. She’d never had Josh in her life before, and maybe that could have made it better.
She didn’t know what to say, where to look, what to do with her hands. Nell felt like she was being pressured into something she didn’t want to do. She wanted Josh to be happy, though, and knowing that he wasn’t right now made it even worse for her. I don’t care if I’m interesting. The thought came unbidden, but it was true. She didn’t want to face herself. Josh asked why she couldn’t accepted what he said, and she again attempted to try and get him to drop it. ”I can’t accept anything I don’t want to think about. It’s easier that way. I like how it is and I don’t want to change.” He was pushing her and she just wanted him to stop. ”I didn’t say you didn’t care about me,” she protested. She just didn’t care about herself. Didn’t he know that it was hard for her to admit anything? No, because you don’t tell him. Nell couldn’t readily accept anything good about herself, because she’d grown up only knowing about the bad. And if there was anything good or interesting that she did? She became Tilly to her mother. She had never been the interesting one—that honor belonged to Till. ”I like that you like me. I just…don’t really like to focus on myself.” Rather, if she did think about herself, she would realize how much she actually didn’t like who she was and what she’s done.
Nell really just wanted to focus on the game, anywhere but herself. She did not like the attention and she did not like Josh shining a spotlight on her and making her evaluate herself. ”Ha!” she cheered successfully when he had to move back. She hoped the next card would be her lucky color, and it turned out to be red and she could move on forward, a little ahead of him. As she sneezed into her tissue—because apparently if her throat feels better, everything else must feel worse—she listend to Josh assuring her that he didn’t mind questions about him. She didn’t realize that she was being hypocritical in the matter. ”Oh, okay,” she said when he told her that he was only surprised. Nell was hoping that he would bring the subject of inquiring about each other other again, but it seemed Josh was not done. She studied him with wide brown eyes when he asked why it was shocking that he was interested in her. ”I don’t think there’s anything interesting about me,” she said lifting her shoulders, before hurrying to add, ”And I’m okay with that.” Nell didn’t need to be interesting, it wasn’t on her list of priorities. Quietly, she told him, ”I’ve never had anyone tell me I’m interesting before. I’m not really used to it. But if you think I am...that's all right, I guess.” What she was used to was insult and injury, but she didn’t want to get into that.
|
|
|
Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Nov 8, 2011 21:23:16 GMT -5
Didn't know about herself? This was enough to think about that it caused him to fall silent for a moment, though he was far from giving Nell what she wanted. Joshua was very firm in his opinions when he had to be. He could be stubborn enough to push an issue if he felt that it was necessary, especially when this was his girlfriend they were talking about. He didn't want her to be uncomfortable but he did want her to understand his viewpoints and opinions as well. He hated that she couldn't just accept herself as the nice person that everyone else saw. She had too many good qualities not to be interesting. Sometimes goody-goody people could be streamline and boring with their attitudes and mannerisms but Nell was always surprising him--usually in a good way, though the insanity thing had been terrifying as hell. So had finding out she was guilty of matricide but, well, he'd moved beyond that. Accepted it. He didn't want to sound like a broken record by repeating 'why?' over and over again but she was really giving him far more questions than answers about this whole thing. "You shouldn't be afraid to accept yourself," he protested. There was less anger and more concern in his voice now, Joshua softening a little as she gave him more of an answer than 'I just don't'. "People wouldn't hang around you if you were boring and they wouldn't hang around you if you were a bad person, either." He fell silent for a moment and then added, "I would know." For he, Joshua, was not the nicest person in the world. People did not flock to him for friendship and comfort as they did to Nell. You had to be patient with Josh and work around his bad qualities to get to the good but with Nell... pretty much everything was good upfront.
True, there were a lot of secrets about her that she hid from the world, hid from even him. He didn't think that should matter. It hadn't affected him at all and so why should it affect anyone else? He was a pessimist enough to understand not everyone was going to be utterly cheerful and accepting about the whole 'murderer' thing but he couldn't be the only one willing to work around that, right? The fact that she'd killed Mia didn't make her any less interesting or important. Not to him. His mind was not really on the game any more and so it took him a moment to register what colour he was supposed to be moving toward and advance his piece accordingly. He was still a bit behind Nell but that didn't even matter to him at the moment, Josh far too distracted by thoughts of his girlfriend and her lack of self-worth. "There is," he argued, though it was not in an aggressive or overbearing tone. It was a simple statement--there was interesting stuff about her. "I just wish you could see it yourself." He wasn't begging her to accept it any more. Josh had not given up--hell, no--he had just realised that berating her was not going to get them anywhere. He rested a hand lightly on her arm when she admitted that no one had ever told her she was interesting but did not speak. It was a sign of support when his words couldn't do the job correctly because honestly, Josh knew how that felt. Even though his self-consciousness in earlier years had come from bullying rather than parental abuse, he did understand in his own way. Unfortunately, though he did want to move on in the conversation to make her feel more comfortable around him again, Josh was never the greatest at recovery tactics. Even though he had agreed within himself to change the subject and just work on making her feel better over time Josh did not know what he should change the subject to. Instead, he simply went back to their game.
- - -
A few days after he had started hanging around Nell's apartment, Joshua left her to sleep whilst he went out to get some more stuff for battling the persistent illness. It did seem to be clearing up, at least, and that was all he cared about at present. He'd turned off his phone to stop any calls from his friends asking to hang out and he'd already cancelled the week of school by telling them that he was ill and needed some down time to recover. With his brilliant attendance record and the fact that illness was circulating, the Academy did not question this. He was having his notes sent to him by classmates and studying them when his girlfriend was sleeping so that he didn't bore her when she was awake but also so he didn't have too much to catch up on when he went back to school. Even during a 'break' he could not fully relax. Of course, it wasn't like Nell had approved of his school skipping and plan-cancelling ways. He had put his foot down, though. He was staying and that was that, she wasn't going to change his mind. The first few days had been alright due to their being part of the weekend. He'd just insisted that he was free and that there was nothing to worry about. Now, however, it was Monday. Nell wanted him to go to school, of course, but he had other plans.
He was sitting in the hallway outside of her apartment that morning, right across from the door with his back leaning against the wall, sunglasses on. He could have been sleeping for all the people walking by knew. A few of them gave him strange looks as they walked past but most just chose to ignore his presence. Maybe they thought that he was in the doghouse for getting into a fight with Nell or something. In reality they were 'fighting' over something completely nonsensical and even silly but he still didn't want to lose. He wasn't angry at her and she sure hoped she wasn't mad at him, Josh was just trying to prove a point. He yawned slightly, blinking in surprise. Should have gotten more sleep last night. He'd hung out with Nell until she'd fallen asleep and then worked on some stuff. Oh well. She'd need to poke her head out of the apartment eventually for some reason or another.
|
|