* THIS CROWN OF THORNS, [morgan]

This moment, right here, was a rare one. For once in the days since Morgan’s return, she was not in the company of Asher. He had been her nearly constant companion. He refused to leave, and Morgan had long since stopped trying to make him. She was at war with herself. She loathed to be parted from him, or imagine driving him away, but felt it almost necessary. Truly, her life – if not perfect – had been manageable before Asher. She lived alone, drove everyone away, bitched someone out here and there. Yeah she didn’t have nice parents or a house to go home to, but she was making it just fine on her own. Then Asher comes into the picture and BAM! Chaos. All of a sudden she was breaking her rules, trying to be nice to strangers. Really it just wasn’t like her. Then of course there was Sebastian…Morgan pushed this thought away before it could take hold. The point was, her life was complicated – far much more than it had been before Asher. But despite that, Morgan couldn’t bring herself to regret a single moment spent with him. She blamed hormones. They were aggravating useless things that inevitably led to bad decisions.

Maybe she should get a lobotomy. Morgan smirked. She was leaning casually against a tree near the mess hall. The area was pretty abandoned at the moment, which was precisely why Morgan had chosen it. Since her return, she’d developed these habits. But they weren’t exactly habits, because they were neither intentional nor desired. She found that sometimes she would just space out. But seriously, seriously space out. At bad times too, always when she had serious emotional shit to deal with. Morgan frowned again. Like her first day back. Of course Asher had found her, being Asher. He had a fucking GPS in his abs or something. And there they were having a serious heart to heart I’m-going-to-kiss-you conversation, and all Morgan can think about are war medals. Seriously, it was ridiculous but Morgan couldn’t help it. It was like her brain just shut off, just couldn’t deal with it so took her someplace completely different. As it was doing right now. Morgan was leaning against a tree, arms crossed over her chest, and thinking about bunk beds. She had decided at this point in her process that bunk beds were entirely unconventional. If you were in the bottom bunk, you sat up and hit your head on the top bunk. If you were in the top bunk, you sat up and hit your head on the ceiling. Really they were just instruments of pain.

Morgan’s thought process was just shifting to bunk bed ladders when she heard a voice. It was a familiar cheery I-love-everyone-and-everything voice. Morgan’s jaw clenched. She raised her head to see Nell approaching, twisting her engagement ring and smiling like a regular ray of sunshine. Morgan rolled her eyes at the other girl, though without as much malice as she would have given any other person. Now Morgan didn’t particularly like Nell (she didn’t particularly like anyone but Asher). But she trusted and respected the older Earth girl. In terms of Morgan, that meant that Nell got half-bitch. She’d have to work up to zero-bitch level, which only Asher had achieved and only through insane persistence. “Maybe I just didn’t want to see your cheery little face.” Morgan’s voice was heavily sarcastic, though her words really weren’t that bad. Like she said, only half-bitch. “And what about you Mama Earth? I’d been enjoying my respite from your insistant caretaking.” Morgan’s hair fell over one shoulder, her face had a slightly bored expression. In truth, she would have liked advice from the older Earth girl, but didn’t dare ask for it. That was just…something she didn’t do. So Morgan wouldn’t be helpful, or pleasant. But she wouldn’t leave, neither really antagonize the other girl. Oh if she had wanted to…well she had a whole list of pointed comments. But most of those were reserved for Karlee, the little Fire Whore Morgan hated with an absolute passion. Morgan refocused on Nell, looking the older girl up and down, waiting for the cheery reply that was sure to come.

Morgan wasn’t particularly interested in what Nell had to say. Not because of some dislike towards the older Earth girl. Morgan was perfectly neutral towards Nell, though really on the more positive side of neutral. See, Morgan pretty much started by disliking people. She didn’t hate them, just disliked them. From that point, one of three things happened – they went from dislike to hatred, as in the case of Karlee, or went from dislike to neutrality, as in the case of Nell, or just stayed put. Morgan had to give Nell props though. As much as she would have liked to forget it, Nell had pulled her from a lake and carried her to a hospital – after Morgan essentially threatened to maim her. That took heart. And inwardly Morgan figured that anyone who was willing to risk their necks like that, well they couldn’t be all that bad. Nell hadn’t achieved Asher status yet, but that would take time. Morgan was mulling over these things as Nell spoke, only really half listening to the other girl. Nell didn’t seem to have taken offense at her new name, but Morgan hadn’t expected her to. This girl was impenetrable, something that Morgan secretly enjoyed. Not that she would ever actually pay Nell the compliment of saying so.

Morgan straightened slightly at Nell’s words. Rebellious? She had never really considered herself to be rebellious. What was she rebelling against? No, she was exactly what everyone described her as – a bitch. But, as only Asher knew, she was actually more of like a martyr or a saint or something, or so he reasoned. Morgan was content to think of herself as a bitch, it was something you adjusted to after a few years. But Asher just kept insisting that it was a “protective mechanism”. That always made Morgan snort and roll her eyes. So he just smiled and shook his head, waiting to bring it up later. She had to admit, she was pretty pro at driving people away, except in rare instances – such as Nell and Asher. But, she figured, with Asher going all super-boyfriend-mode and Nell being all Mama Earth, well they were exceptions to her very strict rules. “Oh Nell, always substituting euphamisms for the truth. You know, I wouldn’t be offended if you had just said raging bitch. At least then we’re honest with each other.” Morgan’s voice held a sort of bored tone. Her eyes roamed around, never quite settling on Nell.

She did, however, turn to look at Nell at the mention of food. Morgan was pretty hungry, and still working on gaining back her weight. Over the summer she had lost an unhealthy amount, so much so that she had been weak and sickly looking upon first returning to the Academy. Some of that still clung to her. She was still seven pounds under what she normally weighed. Plus the entire idea of free food was enticing. “What’s the trade off? I get fed but I have to listen to you?” Morgan raised a brow but she was already hauling herself to her feet. She wobbled a little as she straightened, her head spinning – courtesy of her weight loss yet again. Morgan crossed her arms over her chest, attempting to retain some portion of the dignity she prided herself in. As much of a fuss as she was making, she preferred Nell’s company to others, excepting Asher. Morgan referred to her as Mama Earth for a reason. It wasn’t any sort of taunt, but rather for Morgan a reference to the relationship she perceived Nell to have with others. It was a complex messed up system, but you got the hang of it eventually.

Morgan was already off and walking towards the food. She was going to give Nell a hell of a hard time, but that was just how she was. She’d be a fool to pass up free food. “If I’m going to provide you the absolute joy of my company, I’m putting in my vote for a sandwich.” Morgan stuffed her hands in her pockets. She was lapsing a little, her mind wandering. For now, it stuck on sandwiches. It was a duel meaning word, though it hadn’t started out that way. See, when Morgan thought of a sandwich – she thought of cheese and meat and fresh bread. But she heard guys laughing about sandwiches that almost inevitably involved male and female genitals. See, Morgan just couldn’t understand the association. How the hell did male and female genitals combine to make a sandwhich? I mean sure, you could use the guy as the meat and the chick as the bread, but in all honesty that would be a shit sandwich. What about condiments? No one wants to lay a liverwurst on some bread and just eat it. So why even use the association?

Morgan zoned back in, catching the last of Nell’s words. See, Morgan really only bothered to listen to one in every three – which was generous really! All things considered, at least. Nell was being all Mama Earth. It would have been disgusting, if it wasn’t Nell. “Anything you like!” “Let me think about you!” It was almost sickening, but in a creepy overly-doting way. But again, because it was Nell – it somehow worked. Morgan glanced around, half hoping to catch a glimpse of Asher. The two had been inseperable since Morgan’s return. They were in that awkward I-Guess-I-Should-Tell-You-All-My-Deep-Dark-Secrets-Now stage of their relationship. Relationship, that was a weird word too (not as weird as sandwich but not great). Morgan was still adjusting to that whole actually telling someone stuff. Even when she and Asher had been nothing more than tentative friends, even friends, Morgan kept her info to herself. She wasn’t a sharer, but Asher kind of made her want to talk. So did Nell, just not to an extent that Morgan actually listened to that desire.

“Half surprised you aren’t preggers, what with the snazzy ring.” It was blatant, but not serious. Anyone with an inkling of sense could see Nell wasn’t the type to get knocked up. But it was a subtle inquiry. Being Morgan, she couldn’t just ask “so how have you been? What’s new with you?” Nope. She had to do things her way, the rude insensitive way. Morgan ran a hand threw her hair. Even considering Nell as pregnant, it was a weird thought. Morgan was…innocent in the ways of sexuality. Her experience essentially (entirely) extended to the kiss shared with Asher and that…yeah that was it. She didn’t exactly have her own mama dearest letting her know all the secrets of womanhood, and hadn’t ever had female friends to ask. That left Nell, Nell for the newest news – Nell for the advice – Nell to be exactly who she was, Mama Earth.

Morgan usually went to the Sub Shop, but that was when she was with Asher. They liked to get sandwiches together, plus they were Ash’s favorite. Morgan liked hers with hot chicken breast, and bell peppers, oh and red wine vinegar! It was absolutely delicious, and not too high on calories either. Not that Morgan exactly needed to watch her weight at the moment. She was half-surprised to hear Nell mention the Diner. Morgan had never actually eaten there. She didn’t really eat off campus, unless she was with Asher. And with Asher, it was usually his place or the Sub Shop. They were simple kind of people, who liked simple things. Plus Morgan always liked routine. She had occasionally wondered if she was OCD, but quickly dismissed the idea. She didn’t need to add anything extra on to her plate at the moment. She made a noncommittal sound in the back of her throat when Nell talked about Josh. She smiled devilishly though, thinking about pregnancies again. “You know, some women don’t show at all. They don’t even know. Then all of a sudden, one night when you’re peacefully asleep – BAM!” Morgan smirked. “You just go into labor and are all like WTF I wasn’t pregnant. That could happen to you.”

She almost could have added in an evil cackle, but didn’t. It was a bit of an amusing thought, and besides – she was only teasing Mama Earth. Again, if Morgan had wanted to be mean – she would have made a comment about any child of Nell’s being traumatized or ugly or disabled. That was Nell’s special treatment, half-bitch. Morgan ran a hand through her hair, flipping it over one shoulder. She had actually seen a TV show about women who went into labor, never having known they were pregnant. Of course, the majority of these women either had medical conditions or were obscenely fat and just couldn’t tell when they added on ten pounds of baby. But Nell didn’t need to know that. It was more amusing if she didn’t. Morgan was still thinking about fat pregnant people when Nell questioned her. Morgan glanced sharply at Nell, her gaze skeptical. In truth, it was a bit of a bluff for Morgan to scramble for an answer. On one hand, Morgan wondered if Mama Earth was just fishing for information. Morgan and Asher had been nearly inseparable, and Morgan wasn’t shy about holding his hand or sprawling out in his lap.

Or maybe Nell was seriously blind, and deaf to the rumor mills. Either way, Morgan wasn’t exactly a sharer. She would have liked Nell’s advice, but she couldn’t ask for it. And she couldn’t just spill personal information either, which made it kind of impossible to do anything. It was tiresome, but unavoidable to an extent. “Well let’s see, my human parents have disowned me, some jackass ran over my brother. Well that leaves you dear Mama Earth and you’re kind of taken.” Morgan shook her head, making a sort of “humph” sound. She stuck her hands in her pockets. She should have mentioned Asher. She could. Was she…entitled to that? She didn’t even know. She barely knew what to call him. When it came to Asher, she was scrambling. But she couldn’t say that, no never. She could reply, but never give.

Morgan wasn’t really interested in the pregnancy conversation. She didn’t really intend to have kids herself, partially because she didn’t think it was fair for her kids to have to deal with all her own problems. That and Morgan wasn’t a very nice emotional mushy person. She would make a pretty crappy parent actually. Parents were supposed to carry you when you fell, kiss your injuries and all that stuff. Morgan was pretty sure that if her kid fell and scraped its knee, she might laugh. She always laughed when people fell over, or ran into things. It was really just too funny to resist. Especially cocky people, they made the best shows because they were always so easily mortified at the funniest things. Morgan’s mind had wandered far away from the current topic – as it had often done of late. She just never seemed to be able to keep herself on topic. She just wandered all over the place and fastened to the weirdest things. But her mind snapped to attention really quick when the topic changed. Morgan shot Nell a poisonous warning of a look, but Mama Earth was already running her mouth across the border. “That was a warning, not an invitation- “

Morgan was cut off as Nell just steamrolled right ahead. Morgan’s hands curled into fists. She shouldn’t have said anything. She had thought, had just an inkling that maybe talking would help, but it didn’t. It just pissed her off, majorly. A little breeze was gathering, twisting tendrils of hair around Morgan’s face. It was a warning, subtle but present. “Forget I said anything. This isn’t your business.” Free food was forgotten. Morgan was ready to turn around and make it a day. And if Nell tried to follow, well Morgan was more than prepared to knock her over. It would have been different if Mama Earth was preggers, but luckily she didn’t seem to be. But Morgan stopped cold as Nell’s next words, her eyes angrily searching the other girl’s. She jabbed a finger threateningly at Nell. “What did you hear about it? Did they plaster his face in the papers? Huh, did they make up some sob story about his tragic accident?” Her voice was rising in pitch and volume to where she was nearly screaming at Nell. “Did they pretend to know him? Did you all pretend to care? None of you care! None of you know him!” Her hair was now whipping around her face, her clothes tugging against her skin.

Morgan knew she should calm down, but she didn’t want to. She wasn’t in the same danger she used to be. She hadn’t been just sitting around twiddling her thumbs since that day by the lake. She had been working, exercising her control. Oh she still had limits, she was still unpredictable, but she was stronger. And for right now, Morgan needed this. She needed to feel, she needed to vent and let out her anger and her grief. She’d had a brief moment, with Asher, but that hadn’t been about Sebastian. It was about them. She hadn’t had her time to grieve yet. So here she was, just piling it all up. Morgan’s hands were in tight fists, her knuckles white. “I don’t give a raging fuck if my element is showing.” Morgan increased the strength of the wind (not astronomically, but noticeably) for emphasis. “I’ve been hearing it everywhere! People keep talking about how sad it is and how sorry they are and how great he was!” And not a one of them mentioned her. Not a one of them even knew that she was the one who hurt the most. They all knew him as Sebastian Chase Matthews, not his real name – Sebastian Chase Farren.

Food was forgotten. But Morgan didn’t want anything Nell had to offer. “He was exactly my age, two minutes younger! Two minutes and forty-three seconds!” But the thing was, Morgan did want Nell to say she was sorry. Morgan wanted Nell’s sympathy. She wanted someone to acknowledge what she had lost. “You know what the shittiest thing is? I thought you would help me. I thought you would pull some Mama Earth shit and make it all better.” Morgan’s fists had raised without her realizing it. She lowered her hands, un-clenching her fists. It wasn’t Nell she was angry at. It never was. The wind died down slightly, though not completely. “No one even tried to comfort me, much less bothered to tell me. Not even you.” Morgan turned away from Nell. She needed to get out of here, maybe find Asher. If she just showed up sobbing, she figured he’d know what to do. “Do me a favor? Tell all the bitches who thought they knew him his name was Sebastian Chase Farren. Let them know who should really be mourning.” Morgan didn’t know why she even made a request of Nell, maybe as a sort of apology? Morgan couldn’t think anymore. She forced her hands into her pockets and began to walk away.

Morgan was ready to walk away. Not that she wasn’t usually, but with Nell she was more…lenient. But not today. Morgan’s hormones were shot, all fucked up. She’d read somewhere that rapid weight loss or anxiety could do that to a person. And Morgan had plenty of both. Now she found herself crazily up and down. She was over the moon, then suddenly wanted to confess all her secrets, or lovey like with Asher, then suddenly on her guard. It was taking a toll, and filled Morgan with doubt not only about herself but her relationships with the people she had left – those being solely Nell and Asher. It was a small sad world to live in. But it got better, at times. People said life was like a roller coaster, you were constantly plunging up and down. Morgan, for one, would simply have liked to stop plunging all together. What did it take for a simple flat line? But these thought were far from Morgan’s mind, so consumed was she by her fury and her grief. She felt Nell’s arms encircle her as if watching from another’s view. Morgan felt herself stiffen and go still, her automatic response when anyone touched her – even Asher.

The thought of pushing Nell away, physically, never even entered Morgan’s mind. She let her arms hang limply at her side, her muscles slowly relaxing. She listened to Nell, calming at the older girl’s words. That was all she wanted, not sympathy, not understanding – just comfort, an apology for the grief Morgan felt. Morgan found herself crying, though she hadn’t realized her eyes were even tearing up. “I’d been looking for him for four years.” Her voice cracked, interrupted by sobs. “I never got the chance to apologize.” Morgan sniffed, her tears drying. She had let it out, just a smidgen of her grief. But that was good for the moment, too much more would be – well Morgan just couldn’t do that. She had never been like that. She pulled away from Nell, not unkindly. She drew a hand across her face, wiping away the remainder of her sorrow. “Can we still get that sandwich?” Morgan’s voice was unsteady, but no longer choked. The words were as close as Morgan could get to both an apology, and thanks. Whether Nell could feel it instinctually or was utterly unaware – she had moved up further on Morgan’s latter. For today she would linger in between half-bitch and Asher. But Morgan had no doubt, though she wouldn’t admit, that Nell was someone Morgan needed to hold on to.