-- IT'S THE COLOURS YOU HAVE && [nell]

He felt a lump in his throat when he heard the car pull into the driveway, heard the door open. Knowing that he was going to lie to his fiancée about all of this did not help his guilt. He did not like lying to Nell. There shouldn't be secrets between us. He trusted her with anything, everything, his life if he had to. She'd already saved it once before. Literally. This was different, though. What would Nell think of him if she knew that such things had been found on his computer, sent to the headmaster? He knew that he had done nothing but the man who had recieved the incriminating videos did not believe him and so who was to say that Nell would? It was only the fact that he'd been unable to produce the laptop immediately when the man had demanded it that had saved Josh, given him a few extra hours. What did that matter? He didn't want extra hours, he wanted this to be over and done with. Either that or he wanted to wait forever for the verdict. He didn't want to be expelled. The thought of the word made his chest tighten and his throat constrict. My whole life, my whole future... what am I going to do? His career hinged on graduating from the Academy, depended heavily on it. He needed his perfect GPA and his good credentials. Getting kicked out of school for sending pornographic imagery to your headmaster did not look good on an application for medical school. Or another college, for that matter, and he'd need to start looking for a place to attend if he was expelled from the Academy. The more he thought about it, the worse that it got.

So when Nell walked in, called out in her normal strange ways, he hardly felt any better about the situation. He was going to have to pretend that he was cheerful and that it had been an entirely normal day, that the headmaster had only wanted him to chat about something else entirely. Nothing important, water under the bridge. Then he'd ask how the rest of her day had been and play it off. She came in and sat the offending computer down on the table, taking her place beside him. Though he felt the guilt, it did not stop Joshua from shifting closer to her and revelling in the company as usual. If anything, he needed her presence now more than ever. He was having a crisis in his mind. Her words did not help, his heart sinking. So it was the Bennett bitch's sister. Fucking perfect. He had thought he was done with Altair and Rowena when he'd kicked the former's ass a while ago. She'd attacked Nell for no reason and Josh had dealt with it. Apparently not. "So, uh, you found out about that, huh?" He ducked his head, rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn't modest or bashful, didn't blush, but Joshua looked awkward all the same. He'd been planning to lie to her but he could not decide if this alternative was better or worse. "He... oh, jeez." Josh broke off for a moment, not expecting his voice to crack slightly. He was strong, unbreakable. Everything was fine. He took a breath. "He threatened to expel me." It wasn't so much as a threat as it was a promise. If Joshua could not come up with something, he would be kicked out. "At least now I know who did send it, but... I don't know how the hell I'm going to prove anything." He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair. This sucked.

Almost subconsciously he took Nell's hand, needing the contact for some sort of comfort. One thought kept running through his head: What am I going to do? He glanced at his laptop as if it had somehow betrayed him. This was why he never left things lying around, didn't abandon his things. They'd only meant to leave for five minutes, though, that was all. He hadn't thought much of it. The library was not a heavily occupied place and other people were usually focused on studying. Rowena Bennett clearly wasn't one of those people. "What did she say?" It usually sucked to get caught doing something wrong. To get caught messing around with the belongings of someone's partner was even worse. Josh knew he'd have flipped out if someone had messed around with Nell's laptop but they handled their upset differently. Joshua got violent, she did not. "I don't know what I'm going to do. He doesn't believe me. I didn't send it—well, you know I didn't, I was with you." It clicked then—Nell! She'd stick up for him, right? "Would you help me out? Say we were together?" The headmaster might pronounce it as biased considering their relationship and ignore her claims but maybe there had been other people, too. It didn't seem likely they could force anything out of the Thunder girl at this point. God damn it, he hated those sisters. More than ever, now.

Joshua did not realise what Nell had inferred from the incident, did not realise that she was currently fretting about a secret stash of porn that he'd hidden away on his computer. About the things that he looked at when she wasn't around. If he had, there would have been frantic protests and insistences. He didn't need other girls when he had her, Nell was special, they had a connection that he'd never experienced with anyone else. He remained oblivious, though, and so Josh was worried when she looked away. Have I done something wrong by you, Nell? It wasn't like she knew he'd planned on lying to her when she'd gotten home. She'd came in and started right in on the good stuff, which was really the truly horrible stuff. He swallowed, the guilt gnawing holes in his stomach. He was going to get an ulcer at this point. "Yeah," he mumbled quietly when she repeated the word. "Expel." He kept his voice steady now, tone level, but the hurt and the fear was in his eyes. He couldn't hide that from Nell, not from the girl who knew everything about him. There was comfort in that knowledge. No secrets. Maybe it's better she found out now, instead of finding out I lied to her when I got kicked out of school. Water under the bridge. For all he knew, she'd approached the subject so quickly because she'd thought he would tell her anyway. The guilt was strengthening—would she trust him that much? Unconditionally? Stop thinking. It was a problem of his, the thoughts. They didn't stop.

He chewed the inside of his lip for a moment, thinking some more. Kept getting better and better, didn't it? "They might be. A lot of that stuff is illegal." He was generalizing, not actually meaning to indicate the pictures and videos that had been found on his computer and sent to the administration. He didn't know a whole lot about porn (hey, he wasn't that innocent, there was a time before his relationship with Nell) but he knew that not all of it was perfectly safe and legal. "He might have. He seems pretty set on it. I think he's already decided I'm guilty and he's waiting on my laptop for proof." And the proof would be there, guilty as charged. Except he wasn't guilty. Deleting the files from the computer and wiping his history would not work. If anything, that made him look all the more responsible. He simply did not see a way out of this twisted tunnel. Her hand in his felt nice, something solid to hold on to while the torrential waters crashed around him, but it did not help with his internal dilemma. What am I going to do? It didn't matter how many times he repeated it, over and over, it wasn't getting any better. There weren't any answers. "I can't get kicked out of school. Everything I worked toward..." His voice did not shake, crack, break, but the words were enough. They were heavy, laden with the weight of the world that had suddenly settled on his shoulders like an old friend. He couldn't be happy, could he? There always had to be something that messed it up for him.

Upon noticing the subtle set of her jaw, Josh recognised a sign of frustration. Anger, maybe. It always surprised him when it was Nell. Still, they handled themselves much differently. She didn't snarl and rant and rage about the girl as Joshua would have had their roles been reversed. Her anger was not as openly noticeable as his. Indeed, he wondered if anyone else would have picked up on it at all. "The feeling is mutual." His gray eyes were dark and there was a blazing fury behind the wall of uncertainty. "Especially now." He had attacked Altair because the Fire bitch was going for Nell. It had been unfounded, an attack with no real purpose except to hurt his then-girlfriend. Rowena was ruining his life because of it, or trying to anyway. He worried that she might succeed. Please don't let her succeed. Everything seemed bleak to him. There was no colour, no light. "I... I can't remember," he said, and sounded frustrated by this fact. He could usually remember the people in a room if he was paying them any mind but he had not been trying to concentrate on who he had seen. He wished he had done a better job of scrutinizing his surroundings but it was too late now. Besides, how could he ever have predicted this? "Was there anyone else in the library?" It was his only hope, the one thing he could cling to. They hadn't been the only ones there but whether or not anyone had been around to bear direct witness was a different matter entirely. I'm so fucked.

Joshua blinked at Nell as if seeing her in a new light. Her anger was still new to him, the fact that she could get truly incensed about something. He'd seen her yell when she'd thought he was cheating on her, witnessed her anger toward her father when he'd left her for a second time, but it seemed people were really determined to draw out the worst in Nell lately. Except he did not see this as being the worst of her. He was glad that she was there for him, glad that things like this bothered her. For they would bother Josh were the roles reversed and he knew that this was the case. "Are you sure? You don't have to get involved, Nell, I wouldn't ask that of you." He didn't ask much of her, at least he didn't think that he did. Relationships weren't about take and take and take some more. He tried not to ask too much of her. Only what he thought she could give to him, thought that she wanted to give. "All the same, that bitch deserves to get what's coming to her." He didn't know what exactly was coming to her but he hoped that it was bad. No, not just bad, fucking terrible, exactly like what she'd done to him. She was trying to ruin his life, here. Somehow he wondered how someone as sweet as Nell could handle payback but he didn't question her further on the matter. She seemed dead serious and he almost admired this rare occurrence. Liked it. It was nice to see her not backing down for once. It didn't connect to him that things had only changed because it was he who was being threatened and not Nell herself.

Hope. He tried not to latch onto it, tried to ignore the feeling rising in his chest as if nothing had happened at all. It was there, though, and it wasn't going away. As a pessimist, a part of Joshua insisted that this would all amount of nothing and that it would be pointless to cling to it as if it would. At the same time, Joshua had gotten better with his pessimism. Life had given him good things recently that he could rely on. Like Nell. Nothing had come between them lately, nothing too detrimental at least. After the trial was out of the way and they traversed the brief rough patch of her father's second abandonment, Josh was confident with her. He was completely unaware that this feeling of confidence was not mutual. "Maybe? I'll make him help us out." The words were almost vicious, though they were spoken calmly. He hardly ever yelled unless his anger was really, really provoked. Nell had done that to him once, had made him snap. He tried not to remember. "That's good, though, it's something. At least we have something, right?" He wanted to kick himself for the hope in his voice. What if this ended up being all for naught? No, I can't give up already. They hadn't even found the kid yet, let alone talked to him. "Do you remember what he looked like? Would you recognise him if you saw him again?" He would go into the mess hall and track the bastard down if he had to. This was his life on the line. Not his physical well-being but his dreams and his goals. Everything he'd worked for, just as he said to Nell.

He had been so focused on the news when she'd came into the living room that he had not bothered going through the usual barrage of questions with his fiancée. "How are you? Did you have a good day? Are you hungry? What am I talking about, of course you are. Is there anything you want to do?" He normally had a routine list of things that he'd cover when they met up, mostly out of interest, but she'd started right in with the accusations against Rowena and so he hadn't got the chance. It was in noticing the burn on her arm that his attention was diverted away from his own issue. Fuck the laptop, Nell was hurt! How in the hell did she get hurt? "Shit, are you alright? Your arm, what happened?" It certainly looked like a burn but he knew enough about his own element to know it was not caused by it. Electrical burn. It didn't take much more than that for him to figure it out. "I didn't even notice, I'm sorry." He felt a little insensitive for focusing so much on himself when he was not the only one in pain either physical or mental. His issues mattered, of course, but hers were equally important. "Do you want to put anything on it? I'm sure we've got something around the house." This was the son of Donovan Dale, M.D. Cuts, scrapes, burns, illnesses, he had an entire arsenal of remedies both conventional and a little obscure. He figured it was best to just use bandages for an electrical burn. It was different from being burned with fire. He wished that his element could cure the damage done by the Thunder bitch but unfortunately, it was not the case.

His gray gaze softened slightly and he offered her a smile, brushing his hand over her cheek. It was a thank you that he could not put into words, a silent expression of the gratitude he felt about having someone on his side. He was sure a lot of his friends would stand by him during tough times if only he asked it of them, being that he only kept the people around that he felt were good for him nowadays, but he wouldn't ask. He was too proud to open up and so Nell, who was privy to everything going on in his life, stepped forward of her own accord. I should never think of lying to her again. The guilt was still doing its thing, gnawing persistently. He was trying his best to dispel it by making promises of the future to himself. Never again, never again. There was too much to lose when it came to lying. Far too much. "As long as you can recognise him." He didn't care much for a description, a sketch. The moment Nell pointed the guy out to him, he would be all over him. White on rice. That kid was going to spill his guts whether he liked it or not. Joshua was not a gentle person by nature and when you threatened something as important to him as his future, he became dangerous. Deadly. "We'll look for him, then. It... it would need to be first thing tomorrow," he realised slowly, suddenly feeling worried. "You might need to miss a class or something, he's making me skip mine—" He spoke of the headmaster with an obvious distaste, "—and it might take a while. I wouldn't ask you, but..." He trailed off. Again with the hope. He hated asking Nell anything. "If it's too much trouble, I'll go it alone." This was his problem, after all, much as he didn't want it to be.

The anger was immediate, a crashing wave of it that stopped his thoughts in their tracks for a moment. It was hard to concentrate on his anger, hard to focus on anything but the fact that he wanted to rip its source apart. It was lucky he had self-control, really, or Joshua acknowledged reluctantly that he'd probably be in jail by now. The people who'd seen him snap and attack the causes of his ire probably disagreed on the subject of control but what they didn't know was that he got angry a lot more than he hurt people because of it. "Fucking bitch," he said, and the words were low in his throat and dark of tone. Yeah, so does Fire. He wanted to roast her, deal with her as he had dealt with his sister. Then he realised that it would probably be the worst move to make in this situation. He'd get into even more trouble with the headmaster and who was going to believe she'd sabotaged him if he put her in the medical wing? Earth beats it, too. Nell didn't stand much of a chance against Altair, she can handle her bitch of a sister. It'll be fine. It didn't feel like it was going to be fine but he coached himself through these thoughts to try and convince himself. "Just—just be careful around her." It was an effort not to lose control and he hoped she recognised how hard he was trying, respected it. It was lucky he was with Nell, really. She was calming. He squeezed her hand, needing the comfort more than he had in a while. He hated relying on people and yet it was somehow so easy to find himself relying on her. "I'll go get something," he said, and he kissed her hair briefly when he stood before going to the 'office' at the end of the hall where he'd taken to storing medical supplies.

He came back with the dry and sterile gauze, sat back down beside her and gently took her arm. He made sure to avoid touching the burn directly as he worked, knowing that it might make it hurt more. The last thing he wanted to do was worsen her pain. He looked up when she spoke, gray eyes curious. If I'd prefer it? Then she went on and he blinked, the curiosity switching to confusion. Uh... what? That seemed like such a bizarre question for her to ask that he actually let out a quick breath of laughter, a single sound that died quickly. Nell seemed almost uncomfortable in the way she'd coughed and looked away. Joshua did not connect the fact that she thought he spent his days looking at videos of hot blonde girls, had not taken the time to go through all of what had been downloaded onto the computer. He didn't really want to. It would feel like cheating, looking at other girls like that when he had a fiancée. "Uh, now don't take this the wrong way, Nell, but I don't think blonde would suit you..." He was so used to her the way she was, sitting here in front of him with her brunette hair and her matching eyes, warm like chocolate, this was the girl that he'd fallen in love with. Imagining her with blonde hair was liking dying his own red. Hard to picture. Where the hell did this come from? What if this was something Nell really wanted, though? He knew that he wouldn't want to stop her from doing something that she wanted to do. It was her life. Girls dye their hair all the time. It's not my choice, it's hers. No, I wouldn't prefer, but... If that was Nell's decision, it was her decision.

[Now it's Josh's turn to be le derping xD]

For someone like Josh, asking someone to skip a class for him was a pretty big deal. He'd skipped an entire week in order to stay with Nell when she was sick and yet a single class seemed like a lot to him. It was strange sometimes, the way his brain worked. "Thanks, babe. At least I've got you on my side." It meant a lot to him, more than he could put into words, because Joshua was normally the independent go-it-alone sort. He was concerned about the burn but allowed that concern to soften slightly when she didn't protest to the gauze and promised him that he would be careful. He fretted over Nell's well-being just as any person would about their partner but he was not so much of a mother hen that he wouldn't know when to give it a rest. What if it doesn't work out, though? He didn't want to be expelled, didn't want to know what everyone would think of him. "If..." He coughed to clear his throat, tried to look and sound nonchalant as he said, "If I do get expelled... will you still stay? I... I'm not really sure what I'll do... y'know, if worst comes to worst." He wasn't sure how easy it would be to get into another college because he'd only ever been threatened with expulsion at one school other than the Academy and his parents had talked the headmaster out of it. There was nothing they could do about this. What was worse—he hadn't done anything wrong this time. At least the last time his punishment would have been warranted, he nearly broke a boy's arm. This time it was due to a terrible misunderstanding.

The way she stammered when she spoke, the tone of her voice, Joshua knew almost immediately that he'd said the wrong thing. He felt a wave of unease and regret, wanting to take it back but knowing that any damage was already done. He was an honest person, he hadn't wanted to lie to her. I didn't want to hurt her, either. He swallowed the lump that had rose in his throat and chewed on the inside of his lip, brow creasing with the weight of his upset. "I—I'm sorry Nell, but no." He couldn't bring himself to lie to her. It would be unfair to tell her that he thought she could pull off blonde and lie through his teeth about it. Blondes were hot, sure, but they weren't Nell. She was his, he liked her hair its natural colour. Everything about her seemed natural and he liked that. It was better than bottle-blondes with caked-on make-up any day. He cringed internally as she went on, like she was trying to justify the hair colour to him. She really wants this, doesn't she? God, he felt like an asshole. I'm only being honest. "Look, if that's what you want to do, I won't stop you. I just don't think it's the right fit for you." He shook his head, gave her an apologetic look. Damn it, why did she have to ask him? Why couldn't she have just gone ahead with it and shocked him so that he had to accept it if she wanted it that bad? Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it would look okay and he was being a colossal dick for telling her it wouldn't. Oh, I don't know. He wasn't good at this sort of thing.

Her tone was killing him and he really wished that she would just look at him. She was making him feel like he'd done something wrong by giving her his opinion and that was confusing him. So he either had to remain honest in their relationship or he had to lie in order to make Nell feel better about herself and her decisions? He didn't like the sound of that. He was deceptive by nature, he lied to almost everyone, but almost was the key word. He hated lying to Nell. "Hey, Nell, look at me," he said softly when she suggested he might like blonde better. "What makes you think that?" He couldn't remember ever telling her that he liked blondes. Did she think he'd been checking out blonde girls or something? His thoughts went to Brittney and he felt a prickling of suspicion. Was that it? He didn't feel angry with Nell, merely concerned. I like her the way she is. Why would she think...? It worried him. He did not connect the stash of videos on the computer to the fact that Nell was so suddenly concerned about hair colour. "I like your hair. It suits you. I don't think blonde would." He reached out a hand to run it through the brown strands, teasing it with a soft smile. "Besides, I prefer brunettes." Nell was a brunette, after all, and she was the only girl he'd ever really fallen for. He'd kissed other girls, stared at them, slept with him, but he loved Nell and that made all the difference.

The certainty in her voice was reassuring and he laughed to diffuse the tension that he himself felt. It was heartening to realise that he'd still have his fiancée if the situation at the Academy crashed and burned. It was not what he wanted but Nell would be enough to help him pull through it. For someone as driven and ambitious as Joshua, this was a living nightmare. It's not the end, though. Losing Nell would be the worst case scenario. He was at least sensible enough to realise that. He relied heavily on the Earth girl, she was his best friend, confidant and partner all rolled into one. "Good... I'm glad." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and he rested a hand on her shoulder for a moment to show his thanks. Then she brought up hair colour and his relief shifted into confusion and worry. He wanted her to be happy, wanted to be able to tell her with honesty that he'd think she'd look A-OK as a blonde and that she should move ahead with whatever she wanted to do. She can, he told himself. I won't stop her. He didn't like it, that was all. "Sorry," he said again, and it was awkward because he didn't know what else to tell her. "It won't change things between us, I promise. If you want to go blonde, I'll stick by that decision." He felt the need to add this. Just as his possible expulsion didn't change anything, Nell's desire to dye her hair didn't change it either.

The girls... on his computer? He recoiled physically with the surprise, forehead creasing as he frowned with confusion and blinked at her. His puzzlement was plain as day. "What?" How did her hair colour (or future colour) have anything to do with his computer? He glanced toward his laptop out of habit and then his eyes went wide as he recalled the entire reason they'd started this discussion anyway. "Oh!" It was a sharp exclamation, louder than his voice usually got. He was a quiet guy but the shock had gotten through to himself. His thoughts in the next moment were jumbled and flustered and he shook his head emphatically. "Oh! You think—no! Nell, those aren't—that—" He stopped himself short before he tripped over the words any more. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. The reasoning for the sudden discussion had clicked into place with such impressive force that it had effectively screwed his his ability to form a coherent sentence. He calmed himself down for a second and took a breath. "That—that stuff on the computer isn't mine, Nell. I swear." He didn't say it with the frantic, suspicious tone of someone who had something to hide. Instead it was firm and honest. "I don't... I don't have anything like that on there. Or I didn't, anyway. You can check it yourself, I'll give you the password, if they didn't delete my internet history it'll all be right there." He was dead serious, too. Just as he'd offered to let her go through his phone when she'd accused him of cheating. "I haven't got anything to hide." It made him proud to know he could say that truthfully.

Would you really? It was strange to think that she would change anything for him. He'd never had someone promise him that before, be so willing to alter their own sense of self to please him. There was a mingled feeling of sadness (Do you really think I don't like you?) and affection (She really cares what I think, doesn't she?). "I would never ask you to change yourself for me." He shook his head, sounding unhappy. "I like you the way you are, Nell. It doesn't matter what colour your hair is. I'd love you if you were blonde, too, I just think brown looks better on you." Most people suited their natural hair colour best. It was natural. Not everyone, but most. His lips twitched when she blushed. It was cute. He slid closer to her, pulled her against him in a hug. "Really. I wouldn't lie to you." He'd proved that by telling her his true opinion about going blonde rather than making up some excuse. Joshua hoped that she was not too hurt by his opinion but he figured that telling her the truth now was better than Nell finding out the hard way later. Especially if she'd only wanted to change it because of him. He kissed her as if to prove a point, running a hand through the hair that she'd thought was the root of some sort of problem. "The only thing," he said between pauses, "I want you to change... is the way you think about yourself." He smirked into the kiss, deepened it. "Because I... think you're fucking brilliant." It wasn't as touching as 'beautiful' or anything but 'fucking brilliant' pretty much summed up his feelings. Fuck the laptop, he'd think about that later. Right now he was determined to prove Nell wrong about herself.