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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Aug 28, 2012 20:35:36 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,450px,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
Though his brother was gone, Joshua noticed that there were several reminders of the man's presence in their house. There was a permanent scratch on one of the kitchen tiles, the window had only been replaced yesterday, the lock still needed changing and the Fire graduate had a long and shallow cut on the bottom of his foot that had pained him every time he put pressure on it for several days following the incident. He now sat in the room that had once been his father's office and unwound the bandage that he'd wrapped around the wound, frowning at the still-healing mark. At least it didn't need stitches. He got up and disposed of the bandage before washing his hands in the industrial sink. The room still had that bleached-white hospital feel and he'd never done a thing to it since inheriting the house the previous year. The house had many rooms, enough that it was hard to find a purpose for each one.
His cell phone rang and he could feel it rumble against his thigh. Pulling it from his pocket, he strode into the living room and sat down on the couch, lighting the fire with a flick of his wrist and propping an elbow against the arm-rest. "Hello?" He must have sounded as tired as he felt from a bad night's sleep, for his mother's first question was, "Are you all right, Joshua?" Not even a hello? He bit back what would have been a sarcastic answer. He couldn't let his exhaustion affect his mood. "Just tired. How are you, Mum?" Ignoring his question, she asked, "Did you not get enough sleep?" She only allowed a brief pause, not even enough for him to form a one-word response, before she added, "Oh... did you talk to Nell?" There was a combination of worry and hesitation in her tone. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, drawing a hand over his face. "No, not yet. It's not that." It was only partial truth. He might not have talked to Nell about the concerns his mother had voiced a week prior but it had been the reason he'd gotten no sleep. It was hard to lay beside the woman he was in love with and doze off when he was fretting over the wedding plans they'd never made.
An awkward silence fell between them. He broke it with, "You never told me how you were." He could tell that his mother wanted to talk more on the subject of the prolonged engagement but he did not allow her to, forcing a false cheer into his voice to try and sound interested in the conversation. After only a few more minutes she made an excuse and hung up, something that relieved him greatly. He then called up the locksmith company and set a date for when the locks on the front and back doors could be changed. He'd wanted that to be one of the first things done after his brother was arrested but then he'd realised logically that Bryce was going to be locked up for a while and that it could be one of the last things done. Nevertheless there was no reason to put it off any longer and they said that they'd come that Friday to fix things up. "It'll need to be later in the day or I won't be home. Yeah, that works. All right, thank you. Bye." It was a relief to have that over with.
Until, that is, he put some more thought into it. What if Nell has plans? It seemed silly at first, why would she mind? As the minutes wore on, however, he recalled some of the things his mother had said when she'd phoned last week. "Have you two set a date for that wedding of yours?" It had seemed to be an innocent question. He'd told her the truth, told her 'no', and from there it had evolved into a frightening analysis of his engagement. Was Nell mad at him, Patricia wanted to know? Had they gotten into a fight? Was he not spending enough time with her? The questions had been one after the other and he'd been totally unprepared, sending him into a bit of a funk that had yet to wear off. His mother had suggested he talk to Nell, ask her what was up ("It's been a year, honey, over a year and you still haven't talked about it? There must be something wrong there."). He hadn't thought much about the non-existent plans up until then and now it was all he could think about. It was true, wasn't it? Most couples started planning immediately. Why hadn't they? Then Patricia had asked the most concerning question yet:
"Do you think she's changed her mind?"
It was this question that resounded in his thoughts as he came back downstairs later after a long shower to find Nell playing with Winston in the living room. With cat toys. He didn't bat a lash at the scene, so accustomed to his fiancée that even silly, small things like this were hard-pressed to phase him. The pang of affection he always felt when he saw her did not help his mood. "Hey, babe," he said to get her attention. The tiredness he felt was evident in his voice but the anxiety was not. "I was just on the phone to the guys that are going to come and change the locks. Friday was the soonest they could give us." He shifted where he stood and added, "Is that, uh, cool with you and everything? You don't want me to change it?" It wasn't the first time he'd second-guessed something he'd done. If he was upsetting her in some way he had to figure out what it was. Did he not include her enough in decisions? Was he a bad fiancé? Guilt twisted his gut, guilt without a true source. He remembered what his mother had said about not spending enough time with her. More guilt. "Have you been home long? I shoulda come down or something but I never heard you come in." He'd always thought an existence where they didn't need to be around one another every second of the day or aware of each other's presence every minute a comfortable one but maybe she was of a different view. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Aug 28, 2012 22:19:26 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - nell's state of being lately could best be described as strained. she had expected that helping out the csis would be draining, but she didn't expect how much so. it was mostly because of jane and the time spent around her. before nell quit her job at the concert hall, she'd told her aunt that she'd like to keep in touch with her. "i don't want any bad blood," she'd said, and that had been a lie but she didn't think jane picked that up. over time the woman seemed to accept the fact that she was a passive person who would rather not confront others. she never tried to get back at jane for anything she'd done like putting a man in her trunk. and so the earth girl had been going over jane's house and putting up with her self-indulgent descriptions of her daily adventures, always waiting for when a mention of the life would come into conversation. secretly, she was always afraid that jane would become suspicious and search her for a wire, and so she kept up an air of wariness to present the image that she still didn't trust her too much but simply wanted to be civil. she didn't trust, she simply had ulterior motives. jane did too, she bet, as she would never give up on either recruiting her or destroying her.
with the stress of having to simply be around a monster like her aunt, she'd grown rather distant without even realizing it. exhaustion took its toll, and with school and work and her father's convalescence she just wanted to sleep half the time. this was new to her as full of energy she usually was, and the fact that most of the time she didn't want to sleep. she didn't even realize how it may have been affecting josh. everything was normal for her, not many things had changed save for her job, which she couldn't even enjoy as much because quitting her old one hadn't gotten her away from jane. it wasn't even as good money, but she enjoyed it, despite the fact that casinos were scams. she got to deal cards, therefore it was the best job since working at the daycare. she also got to listen to jane tell her how she hated casinos now because they were just government lottery machines when they'd used to be under mob control. nell supposed it was a good thing the woman was so transparent sometimes. her aunt liked the limelight and it did not work in her favor.
nell enjoyed the down moments she could have, like playing with winston and trying to get him to do something with the cat toys as she sat cross-legged on the floor. it had been a day with both her father and her aunt, so it was two thorns in her side, except the awkwardness with her father was not usually noticeable. she knew josh was home, but she didn't want to bother him seeing as he'd seemed worse for wear as of late. and winston was probably lonely considering he wasn't friends with the pets and liked to keep to himself. he had only warned up to her, and she was hoping it may just be an awkward teenage phase. "c'mon winny," she cooed like she would to pablo or one of the other cats and tossed a mouse in his direction. he sniffed but didn't acknowledge that a toy had just landed next to him on the floor. she sighed, thinking that she might just have to look into pig toys if such a thing existed. she didn't know what they would be, but they probably did not involve cat toys. and she was not bringing mud into this house. that would have been like painting over a fresco in the sistine chapel, pure sacrilege. and josh wouldn't be too keen on it, she bet.
speak of the devil, she heard josh walk in and smiled up at him when he greeted her. "hey," she said softly, a mouse dangling from her fingertips by its tail. winston refused to pay attention to it, just laid down and turned his attention to josh. her fiance brought up the lock changing, which was something she was very happy about. bryce was out of their lives, but he left a stamp of paranoia. he proved that the cozy mansion was not as safe as they'd thought. josh asked her if friday was okay, which she thought was an another odd question in a succession of odd questions he'd been asking lately. she decided to make light of it, noticing that he shifted on his feet. "no, friday is not a good time for me," she said, shaking her head before smiling at him. "yeah, it's fine." she didn't elaborate anymore on that and turned to winston again, tossing the toy at his head. he lifted it a little, but then rested it back against his forearms. "i've been here a little while." she didn't say anything about whether or not she'd have liked him to say hello, but she figured that he would know she'd have come to him if she'd wanted to say hello.
she leaned over to retrieve the toy, and decided to ask him about his questions about things that she'd have no reason to have a problem with. she supposed that if she'd be having company friday it might have been difficult, but she had no problem with it in and of itself. "is everything all right, josh? you been acting a little weird lately. something up?" she scratched the side of her head, looking at him inquiringly. nell didn't think that she'd been sending off any cues, even though she'd been somewhat unresponsive lately thanks to having the human equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to deal with, so she chalked it up to maybe him being exhausted. it was rather concerning, though, so she wondered if it might have been something deeper than that.
I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Aug 29, 2012 13:48:02 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
Things that normally contented him were now taken into sharp and suspicious consideration. She was smiling at him, why would she be smiling if there was going to be a problem? Unless it was a ruse. He remembered all the secrets there had once been between them and how he'd grown to appreciate over the course of their relationship that they'd all melted away. What if there were still things she hid from him, like how she was feeling? Trish had warned him that it might be the case. "Maybe she doesn't know how to let you down easy." Was that all their relationship was now? A lie. Stop it. He forced himself to ask her before the echoes of conversation gave him too much pause and his stomach twisted when she said that no, it was not all right. Not a good time for her. "Sorry, I should have asked." He sounded as awkward as he felt. He really didn't pay enough attention to what she wanted, then. How many other tiny decisions had been overlooked? He was about to start a mental list when he noticed she was smiling at him again and correcting herself.
Huh? In his panic it took a second or two to register that she'd been kidding, pulling his leg. When it clicked, Josh laughed nervously and smiled back. "O-Oh, all right," he said, and in his haste to get the words past his lips he stumbled over them for a moment. Being that he was not someone who stuttered, he cursed himself internally for how noticeable it would have been. If he was the type to blush when embarrassed or uncomfortable he'd have been redder than a cherry. "If you're sure, then. I, uh, wouldn't want to do anything you weren't comfortable with." He hoped that she wasn't only agreeing because she didn't know how to say 'no' in a nice enough way. Nell was such a nice person. Why had he never considered that she might go along with something she didn't agree with to avoid an argument with him? The panic was gripping him tight, smothering him, and he almost wished he hadn't gotten himself into this situation at all.
He blinked, waiting for her to elaborate and tell him whether or not she'd have appreciated a greeting. When she said nothing, he was not sure how to respond. Silence gave him nothing to work with, no cues to go on, other than, So... she didn't want to talk to me? Had she been avoiding him, hoping that he'd stay upstairs so that she could have time alone? He decided to ask. He was already digging himself a grave, might as well see how deep he could go before he was buried "Did you want to be alone or something? I just wanted to ask about the locks, make sure you were all right, I could give you your space if you need it." He didn't want her to desire solitude so strongly that she'd prefer he was somewhere else in the house entirely, it would only reaffirm that their engagement had possibly been a mistake, but he knew that to stay when she didn't want him there would be making it worse.
"I'm fine."
He said it too quickly and it became reminiscent of when he'd hid everything from everyone. He was always fine. It did not matter if the world was crumbling around him and he was swimming in the depths of despair, he would tell anyone who asked that he was absolutely fine. Never all right, never okay, it was always, "I'm fine." His escape route. Would she recognise it? It wouldn't matter either way, for after a pause Joshua realised how uncomfortable he felt in lying to her. He didn't lie to Nell any more, there were no secrets between them. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, all right. I guess... is everything all right with us?" He tried not to sound too hopeful or worried. He tried to make it neutral. He failed. He sounded concerned. Damn it. "We just... I guess we haven't really... talked... about things that we should really talk about and I..." Rambling was not going to get his message across the way that he wanted to get it across. He closed his mouth sharply and drew a breath to calm himself down. "You don't regret our engagement, do you?" There it was, out in the open. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Aug 29, 2012 14:37:45 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - josh's response to her joke was rather atypical, and it made her tilt her head slightly, amused by it even though he'd apparently taken her seriously. that didn't happen, he understood when she was joking. she assumed that maybe she said it a little too seriously and therefore he'd misconstrued it, but the way he said it was another concern. the guy had always been difficult to read, but after knowing him for almost three years she liked to believe that she could pick up his signals well and determine what was and what was not josh-like behavior. his behavior as of late was strictly in the not josh-like category. but she did not make any mention of it yet, not sure if she was just imagining things. it didn't help when he stammered over his next words when she revealed that she'd been joking, as if she'd made him nervous. she tried to keep her expression indifferent so as not to reveal how worried she was. "i think i'm more than comfortable than changing those locks," she said with a light laugh, thinking of the reason they were doing so in the first place. but then she thought about it and wondered why on earth she wouldn't be comfortable with it.
when he asked if she wanted to be alone she shook her head. "i didn't come to find you because i figured you might be busy with something. and i uh...i don't want to get lost." no amount of maps could possibly help her situation, but it did make her feel like dora the explorer. in any case, even the question of needing her space seemed odd, a not josh-like thing. especially since she was not someone who enjoyed space or being alone. she looked back to winston and explained, "i've been worried about winny since he's so antisocial. i figured i'd play with him but he doesn't seem too keen on the cat toys." she guessed that unlike her, winny might just like being alone a lot. it was totally fine, but in her mind everyone needed friends and so far winny was the equivalent of the lonely kid in the cafeteria without a group of friends. her concerns about the pig were wildly different from josh's own.
being that she knew him so well, she noticed the quick response of "i'm fine", a usual indicator that there was a high probability of him not being fine. she opened her mouth to say something, but she shut it not know how she'd be able to ask him again without being pushy and demanding. it may have just been something he didn't want to talk about, or maybe she was once again imagining things, but his demeanor led her to doubt that. josh then seemed to changing his mind and the question floored her, so much so that she couldn't even blink. she looked around before furrowing her eyebrows. it took only a moment for her to come to the conclusion that oh my god, i did something wrong didn't i? that would be the only reason that he would think that something was wrong between them. what if there was and she just hadn't noticed because she'd been so distracted? nell mentally backtracked, trying to recall anything that might have been considered a screw up.
she didn't have time to answer his question as she turned her brain back to the past few weeks before he brought up things that they should have been talking about. rather awkwardly, she noticed, which did not help. "what things should we be talking about?" she asked in a hesitant voice. josh was her first and only relationship, and so there would always be the concern that she would slip up because of her ignorance. and with josh telling her that there were things they needed to talk about made her worry if something completely obvious had gone completely over her head, something that she should have addressed between them. she was stumped as to what that would be though.
nell watched as he seemed to calm himself, her eyes rather wide now, imploring and concerned as her mind went wild with the confusion. and now he was asking her if she regretted the engagement. regret did not at all describe how she felt about the idea of marrying him, so...did that mean he regretted it? and he was just asking her if she did. "no...no! not at all. why...does it seem that way? because i don't!" pieces of her sentences were frantic and hurried as she'd come to realize that she had been reading his cues right and there was something wrong and it was because of their engagement. she sighed and patted the floor next to her. it was not the best place to talk, but she was afraid that she might trip or fall if she tried to get up thanks to all her fretting. "c'mon, sit down..." she could approach this reasonably, right? she didn't have to freak out, even though she was still trying to remember if she did anything that might have made josh think that she regretted their engagement, their life, them. she just couldn't find anything.
I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Aug 29, 2012 17:30:56 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
A small part of him knew he was being silly. Nell had been honest with him about a lot of things, they had no secrets, why would there be such an issue with the changing of the locks on their door, especially since she already knew it was going to be arranged? That small part was buried under an avalanche of concerns that had been dumped unceremoniously on him when his mother had made her call. He didn't know whether to feel relieved or not when she laughed and brushed it off. "All right." He wanted to ask her if she was sure but he'd done that and he didn't want to start repeating himself. That might annoy her and that was the last thing he wanted right now. So it's not the locks. Was there an issue with the window? Is she mad about Bryce? He remembered how he'd been callous when they talked about his brother in the kitchen. Is she angry that I don't care? Does she think I'm a bad person? The mere thought made him feel awful. He didn't want Nell to think badly of him. He didn't bring that up, deciding to focus on one issue at a time.
He was busy quite a lot, now that he thought about it. He never considered himself too busy for Nell if she needed something but as he thought he realised that there had been more than one occasion where he'd been studying when she came home and he hadn't gone down to say hello, not wanting to ruin his train of thought. Had that sent the wrong kind of messages? "I was just in the shower was all," he told her. "That makes sense, though." That's true, right? She had mentioned her problems with winding up lost before. It had actually happened before. He remembered waking up and finding her asleep in a hallway of all places.
He glanced over at Winston when the pig became the subject of conversation, glad to have somewhere to look other than at Nell for a moment. "Maybe because he's not a cat?" He said it lightly and it was accompanied by a smile. The same response he'd have usually given, if not a little subdued by his mood. He looked back at her. "Do you have the number of the person who you got him from? They might know something that could help." It seemed absurd to be standing in their living room and discussing pig care but that was all right with Joshua. He'd never been perturbed by it before and the man had a fox, Nell was not the only guilty party when it came to unusual pets. Zerda did nothing but play, it seemed, and so he couldn't share in the anti-social animal experience. The fox was also a troll, Josh had decided. That was not what was on his mind now. All he could think about was Nell, Nell and the engagement and where he could have went wrong.
He picked up on her hesitance, wondered the reason for it. Had she been dreading the moment he caught on or was she more clueless than he gave her credit for? Joshua wasn't sure. He wanted to believe that she truly didn't know what he was all worked up about but he couldn't allow himself to be comforted. That was the easy way out. He didn't answer the question directly, didn't know a simple way to put his answer into words, so instead he forced himself to ask a question of his own. A question that was much more direct than his uncertain babble. He watched her face intently after he asked, wanted to see any subtle cues. He'd clearly been missing so much over the past year, he couldn't afford to miss anything else. Nell's reaction seemed quite plain to him and her frantic words were met with a blank sort of calm from Joshua. He blinked slowly, frowning, wondering if it was the truth.
Nell gestured for him to sit down before he could force himself to reply. It was like moving through molasses as he tried to sort through the jumble of thoughts, the tangled web Patricia had woven in his mind. He sat down with his back against that of the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and loosely wrapping his arms around them. "Nell," he said slowly, "be honest with me, all right? Please. If there's anything... if I've done anything, said anything, please don't keep me in the dark about it." He gave her time enough to respond, not wanting to be rude in cutting her off. It was also a good time to collect himself. There was a lot they needed to talk about, wasn't there? "We haven't talked about the wedding yet, I just thought... I guess I thought it was because you were having second thoughts or something." He didn't want her to be having second thoughts. I love her. Love hurt, he understood what that meant. It hurt to think it might not be returned, or at least not with the strength that you felt yourself. "So will you? Talk with me? There are a lot of things we haven't really considered for the future." Marriage. Kids. The future in general. I'm in this for the long term, but is she? He hoped so. God, did he hope so. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Aug 29, 2012 20:34:42 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - josh had apparently in the shower, so she supposed it was good that she didn't actually need him for anything. then again, she didn't think she'd be knocking on the door and telling him to hop out so she could address something she needed. that would be inconsiderate, and she tried her best not to be a burden. but maybe she should have, considering the fact that he was acting so oddly that it was starting to worry her. still, she didn't want to make assumptions and then be completely off about them. what if he was just having a bad day? or a bad week? when had all this started? it may have been that he started acting oddly a while ago and she just didn't notice it.
her lips pursed together in a pout when he made the keen observation of them being cat toys and not pig toys. "a toy is a toy is a toy, right?" she said, looking at the pig and the mouse that had landed near him after bouncing off of his head. she had hoped so when she decided to play with him. for her she didn't care whether it was a kid toy or a cat toy, she liked playing with things. it might have been because she was easily amused, and winston just was not amused at all. when josh asked about a number she nodded. "i guess i could ask him what he did with the pigs, but i don't want to bother him if it's a silly question." she would rather figure it out on her own than inconvenience someone, even if it was something little like that. though she did have worries about pig depression because animals did get all the things human did. maybe he was going through some tough times.
he was making her so incredibly nervous that it was hard to keep it all hidden. she was utterly convinced now that she had done something to upset him and it was causing him doubts, not realizing that he thought she was the one who was having doubts. nell was glad he sat down, though, and focused on controlling her thoughts, reigning them in so they could form something reminiscent of coherence. what he said next confused her though. if he said or done anything? but she thought that it was her that...oh jeez, now she didn't know what to think. "i am honest with you," she said. "i don't think there's anything you could say or do that would...bother me?" she said it questioningly because she didn't know what this business about keeping him in the dark was. is that he was worried about, him doing something that upset her? it took a lot to ruffle her, and out of all the people who could do it josh was not one of them.
he mentioned the wedding, which surprised her simply because she had not thought about it much at all. she was certain that she wanted to marry him, but the actual ceremony was another thing entirely. "oh." nell turned to look forward, before looking back at him and saying, "i would tell you if i was having second thoughts, i promise. but i just...i don't know anything about weddings. when are we even supposed to be doing this?" she was utterly clueless. she'd never been to one before, didn't watch any helpful television shows on bravo, all she knew was that the idea of marrying josh was wonderful. she shook her head and said, "i guess that i don't want to make any mistakes by moving too fast or something." what was the appropriate timing for it? now her stomach knotted, realizing that maybe she should have said something sooner. she knew the reason she didn't however was because she wasn't good at thinking ahead. she focused on the day, on work and school and the only occasions she thought ahead were for when an assignment was due.
she was glad to know what had been weighing on his mind, even though the subject of the marriage that inevitably came after proposal was a big foggy area for her. all she knew was that she wanted it, beyond that she was hopeless. his next words were a little more concerning though since they involved a big word. "you want to talk about the future?" she asked, hesitant again. she understood that he must have thought about that a lot, he was ambitious and goal oriented. he had hopes of medical school and becoming a doctor and that was how he operated. the complete opposite of her living day by day, so much so that the word 'future' became foreboding to her. "like...what about the future?" she said as she scratched the side of her head, hoping that he didn't mistake her nervousness as her doubting their future. it was just the tightness in her stomach when broaching the topic frightened her. and if she were honest, she didn't want to talk about the future. all she was certain about was that she knew she would never stop loving him and wanting to be with him.
I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Aug 29, 2012 21:27:20 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
He wished that he could offer some kind of helpful tips on pig care to both prolong the conversation and to genuinely help his fiancée but unfortunately Joshua's range of knowledge was slim. All he knew about pigs was that they lived on farms and were often associated with mud.
He knew a lot about anxiety, though, and it was clawing at his stomach like a wild animal trying to escape the confines of a cage. Nell's words were reassuring in a way but in another they opened up a whole new range of questions. If he hadn't said or done something then what was it? Is it someone else? For one single, devastating moment he considered the prospect that his fiancée had feelings for another man but that was quickly shot down. She's not a cheater. He could doubt himself but he didn't want to go around doubting her, too. Soon all trust would be lost. "You've been distant lately. I thought maybe I'd fucked something up. That maybe you didn't know how to tell me." It felt strange relaying his mother's concerns as if they had always been his own. Oh, she'd projected them onto him and now he felt them as clear as day but they hadn't been there to begin with. He bit his tongue to stop himself from asking if she was sure again. He was not a broken record.
Oh. What did that mean? When he'd asked her if she wanted to date him, it had been a good thing, an amusing projection of her surprise as it dawned on her. Now it was a mystery that she solved as she continued on. "That's what we're supposed to discuss," he pointed out, blinking. "The date isn't going to decide itself. We haven't even looked into themes, guest lists, a reception hall..." Weddings needed a lot of things and they didn't pull themselves together. They both needed something to wear, not to mention the attire for the bridesmaids and the like. He wondered if she'd even decided on them yet. He chuckled nervously. "Too fast? It's been a bit slow by most standards. Most people start planning right away." There was an excitement to the idea of a wedding, an energy. It was why he'd been so worried when it dawned on him that Nell had not asked about it once since he'd proposed. His gaze found the ring on her finger and he wondered how she felt about it. He looked back up at her after a couple of seconds. "That's all right, though. I mean, if you want to take it slow... I just didn't know what you wanted at all, it worried me." As long as he knew she still wanted it, he was fine. It was why he hadn't thought much of it before. He'd always taken for granted that she did want to marry him.
Thanks, Mom.
He nodded. Much as he wished his mother hadn't scared him half to death for what was turning out to be no reason, her call had made him realise something important. If he was going to spend the rest of his life with this girl, they were going to need to make sure that they were on the same page. Nell sounded nervous, though, and his stomach did a flip. Maybe they weren't out of the deep water yet at all. "Us, I guess." He tried not to let his own nervousness shine through. It was less of a failure than earlier's attempt to hide but some it it slipped through the cracks. Oh well. "What I want, what you want, what we both want." He was quiet for a moment, meeting her gaze steadily and hoping that she understood. "Nell, if we get married, we'll spend the rest of our lives together." He didn't add 'hopefully' because he didn't want hope. He wanted certainty. Divorce was a real thing but it didn't happen to everyone. He didn't want it to happen to them. Till death do us part, it's supposed to be. "We have to make sure that we're on the same page." It would be a bit of a disappointment if they found out five years from then that they wanted different things from life.
Now that they'd gotten off to an awkward start, the conversation about the future was neither easy nor hard. He had no problem asking her questions, it was the answers he was afraid of. There was no backing out now, though, he didn't want to back out, so he said, "Do you want kids, Nell?" It was very direct and he didn't include the fact that he did want children, mostly so that she didn't feel pressured into agreeing with him. He'd wanted kids since he was only a little more than a kid himself but if he told her that, there might be guilt if her answer was 'no'. He didn't like the idea of a guilt trip. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Aug 29, 2012 22:54:43 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - when josh told her the cause for his concern, she felt a sharp pain in her chest that she commonly associated with guilt. she closed her eyes and looked down, expression crestfallen. how could she have been so inconsiderate? as usual, she didn't realize that he could read her as well as she could read him, especially since she'd be so distracted. it was why he'd known she had been depressed all along, even while she hid the medication and pretended that she was okay. "god no. i guess..." she took a breath, wondering how she could say this. the block that prevented her from usually admitting a weakness was easily brought down for josh. "working for the csis and being around jane so much is more stressful than i thought it would it be." she rubbed her shoulder, looking at him up through her eyelashes like she was ashamed. and she did feel guilty, not being more attuned to the fact that she could have been worrying josh so much. relationships took work, and she was happy to put in that work, but sometimes she hated that she could be so blind. "i should have told you that it's been taking its toll." nell talked to her fiance about absolutely everything. as a matter of fact, he was the only person she could talk to. it was one of the reasons she loved him.
as much as she loved josh, this wedding business was mind-blowing to her. she blushed when he told her that they did need to set a date, realizing that that was an important part of this process that was something she really did not think about. along with everything else he listed. her wedding planning had gone so far as planning a wedding for a fictional character. "yeah..." was all she could murmur, her head swirling with all that went into this. her parents had done it simple, in someone's house, with a justice of the peace and no guests. but their marriage wasn't anything their family disapproved of (even her father had expressed his happiness for them), and they had the money to actually put thought into it. she heard him chuckle and bit her lip before saying, "i was holding off because i thought you know...we're supposed to do that. and i don't want to mess up or anything." what would people think if they married too soon? it was then that nell realized that she didn't care what people thought, even if they believed she was knocked up. they weren't in the nineteenth century, and having a child out of wedlock was not a sin. "do you want to take it slow? because the only reason i didn't bring it up was because of the age issue. but we're in our twenties. well, i almost am." she her birthday was in two months, and it was astounding that she actually remembered that. with how much she wanted to marry him, though, she could go through with it anytime.
she just wished she didn't have so much trepidation about the future deal. nell didn't doubt anything, didn't worry that things might not work out between them, she just never took the time to look into the future. she never saw a reason why. but then again, she had never had anyone to spend her life with. she realized with the guilt again that her nervousness was probably making him nervous, too. she couldn't help how scary the future seemed. and as he kept talking, it only got worse. there should be no reason why, she was fully prepared to spend every day of her life with him because she wanted to. but as she met his eyes, she couldn't help the queasiness. "i get what you mean but," she stopped a moment before saying, "i don't think i have a page." the pages regarding her future were all blank with the only certainty being that josh would be on them.
so that's why his next question completely floored her. children were usually a good topic for her. they were cute, she adored them, and they brought a smile to her face. when he mentioned having children though, she felt like he'd taken a rock and hit her on the head with it. "do you...you think about that? having kids?" she lifted her eyebrows as she looked away again to think. a naturally maternal person, she loved to take care of anyone and anything that needed to be cared for. but she felt a little flutter in her stomach that made her say, "i can say that i want kids now, because i love kids. but what if we just...can't?" what if she was barren or something? what if they were just biologically incompatible? it was awfully pessimistic coming from her, but her way of thinking kept it from being pessimistic. "or what if something happens to the baby?" she was thinking of her sister and how she had been born terminally ill.
she stopped, realizing just how pessimistic she was being and feeling the need to explain just why she felt that way. "i don't really like to think about the future, i guess. i mean, i love just living in the moment and taking things as they come." life was more exciting that way, she didn't want to plan everything out, and not just because of the fact that things may turn out bad. she was happiest in the present. "i never used to be able to think about the future. it's hard to get myself out of that mindset." she didn't want to elaborate on that part, hoping he could infer. it used to be that she couldn't afford to think of a future. she considered it luck to simply survive the day. it was hard to shift out of a mindset she'd had for seventeen years. "all I know is that I want to be with you." and if being with him meant starting a family, then...the thought was effectively blocked out by her mind again. she just hoped he wasn't mad at her or anything.
I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Aug 30, 2012 14:10:30 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
Though he was certain that Nell was not trying to make him feel bad, Josh couldn't help but to feel a pang of guilt when she confessed her real reasons for being distant and distracted. He felt even worse because it made perfect sense and he had known that it was going on. I should have asked her how it was going, I should have asked if she was all right. It was too late for that now, he'd already proved how attentive he was. "I should have known." It wasn't easy to hang around someone like Jane, he bet. He'd only seen the woman a few times but it was enough to know that she was an absolute bitch. The stories he heard from Nell were terrible. "And I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that." He'd already apologised and once was hard enough for him so he allowed careful choice of words to do the rest. She would be able to pick up on his regret, right? "Has everything been going okay?" He might have neglected to ask the past week thanks to his own panic attacks over the phone call but he was asking now. "I mean, she isn't onto you or anything, right?" His concern was evident and he could feel it forming a lump in his throat. If Jane figures it out... He didn't want to so much as consider it. He reached over to touch her arm and offer a faint twitch of his lips. He didn't know what else he could say to offer comfort so he hoped it would be sufficient.
He didn't know whether to find Nell's lack of knowledge concerning or endearing. Then he thought about how he'd learned all the things he knew about them—common knowledge from growing up and attending a few, things that most people took for granted. Nell had spent the majority of her life under lock and key. "We decide what we're supposed to do," he told her. "It's our wedding, it's all up to us. I think the only way you could mess it up is if you lost the ring or cheated on me." He raised his brows. "So I don't think I have anything to worry about, eh?" His light tone suggested that the question was not serious. She had the ring on her finger, he kept glancing at it as if to reaffirm that it was there, and he didn't take her to be the cheating type. They'd gotten over all of those awkward hurdles. He'd never seen their age as much of an issue but wasn't surprised when she brought it up. Other people tended to judge them for it. What business was it of theirs, anyway? "I'd marry you tomorrow, I don't see a reason to wait. The only reason I'm waiting is because I'd prefer an actual wedding." He laughed, the sound weak with relief. She still wants to go through with this. He was going to have a talk with Patricia later, he decided. He'd spent the past week getting no sleep for no reason. "We don't even have our rings." He was quiet for a moment, contemplative. "I'm ready when you are. As soon as we can book a venue. It all depends on what you want. I'd say the earliest we can make it is three months." Connections were a glorious thing. They'd need the three months to plan everything out and send out invitations, anyway. "Or we can wait longer. What do you think?" He'd already expressed his solid opinion, now he wanted hers.
"I don't think I have a page."
He was silent after she spoke the words, realising how sad they sounded. He didn't know how to reply to that. He hadn't realised how different they were when it came to the future. He could see himself as a husband, a father, a doctor, a success. He yearned for the future because it spoke to him of all the things that he was not yet able to attain. He ended up merely twitching his lips in sympathy, wondering what it must be like not to think of all the things you could be or accomplish.
The question was one he'd wanted to avoid until he had her answer. He was worried about pressure. So he said, "I think about a lot of things." He'd had most of his life planned out since he was starting high school. Then Nell had come along and that had shifted a lot of it—no more Harvard, no more solidarity, and a chance to be a father like he'd always wanted. But that was just it, it was a chance. Nell had to agree, this had to work out between them. "Can't?" The negative word surprised him into repeating it. After a couple of seconds he realised what she was implying and chewed the inside of his lip as he struggled over how to reply. The second question made his gut twist. He didn't like to think about the darker possibilities. He wanted to believe that they'd be happy, that any family they had together would be whole. "It's a chance I'm willing to take." Not every child came out with something wrong. "I turned out okay, didn't I? You did, too. I mean it's debatable if there's something wrong with me, but..." He smiled to show that he was joking. He felt uncomfortable and uncertain with the conversation and the kidding around was meant to lighten the load a little. It was hard to think like her. Saddening. Now that she'd stated her opinion, he said, "I want kids, Nell. I've always wanted kids. But it's not a deal-breaker for me." He'd always thought that it would be but he'd gotten in too deep with this girl before he asked her about her own plans. He loved her too much to let go. "If you can't, I'm not going anywhere. And if you don't want to, that's all right." It would hurt, he didn't want her not to want it, but it was her body and thus her choice.
He was now realising what a hindrance his narrow-minded views could be as he tried and failed to put himself in her shoes. Not knowing where he would be in the future terrified him in the same way that it comforted her. "Unfortunately kids and marriage require a little bit of planning," he pointed out with another soft laugh. He didn't want to knock her up, didn't want to ruin her college education because whoops, babies. They were a lot more careful than that, thankfully. He might not have been able to relate but he understood what she was getting at immediately and dipped his head to show that he was following as he thought of something to say. Her words warmed him and he smiled. "You can think about it now," he told her gently. "You don't have to, but... you know, it's an option and everything. And I'll be around whatever happens." He couldn't promise her that things wouldn't go wrong because he couldn't predict the future but he could promise them both that he'd try his best to make things work. "I don't want you to think that I'm trying to rush anything. I think about this stuff a lot and I guess I just wanted to make sure I didn't leave it too late before I spoke up." He didn't want to make Nell uncomfortable or upset. That was the last thing he wanted. He shifted closer to her and kissed her, ignoring the fact that they were sitting on a floor and that it wasn't the most comfortable environment. Hell if he cared. "I love you." Sometimes the words didn't feel enough for what he felt but they'd have to suffice. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Aug 31, 2012 1:31:02 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - nell didn't want her fiance to feel bad about mistaking her distance for something else. "you had every right to worry, i'm sorry for not telling you more," she said, piecing together all the little things of the past week that seemed off to her. she now understood why and wished that she could have spared him the doubt. she made a note to spend more time with him, because even though that's what she wanted to do, she hadn't realized that she hadn't been her usual self. she simply smiled at him when he said he shouldn't have jumped to conclusion, but she didn't blame him for anything. the question of her dealings with jane had her sighing, and she shook her head when he asked if she'd caught on. "it's been okay. i mean, should she be more paranoid with how freely she talks about everything but she's got this whole superiority complex. and i think she doesn't believe i'd actually take action." pacifism was practically her religion, and it was helping her trick jane. the girl thought it pretty hilarious that she wasn't more suspicious after all she'd done to nell and her friends and family. she patted josh's hand, and was glad as always to have him. it would have been impossible to deal with her aunt if she didn't have him to support her. it was almost funny to consider that he thought that she had problems with him.
nell was really hoping that josh would know more about the wedding business than her. even though she suspected it was usually the girl who knew all the ins and outs of wedding planning thanks to years of wanting one. and she could have been one of those girls who put on a pretend ceremony with her stuffed animals, but that had never been on her mind. falling in love with josh blindsided her. wonder, but terrifying sometimes with how unexpected it was. she listened as josh spoke about the fact that everything was theirs to plan, not anyone else's. she looked down at the ring when he did, and acknowledged how it was pretty impossible for her to lose it considering she never took it off except to shower, and even then she was careful where she put it. cheating was even more impossible, and she smiled back at him and said, "i guess not." she liked thinking about a wedding now, however, it gave her a good feeling in her stomach. the only concern was that she had no clue what she was doing. but josh said that he was completely ready to marry her, he'd only wanted a real wedding. "tomorrow, huh?" her eyes were bright because that was just the sweetest thing he could have said. "i'd marry you tomorrow too." her question had been whether it was the right thing to do because the time it took to plan an actual wedding. "i suppose we do need those, huh," she said about the rings, looking back down at her own and stretching out her fingers as she thought about all the other things they also needed. like a venue, as he said, which they could possibly get in three months. "really?" nell asked, blinking. and when he asked, she knew the answer immediately. "i think we're getting married in three months then." if it was good by him and good by her, what was holding them back? she realized just how much planning they had to do, but luckily she was didn't usually freak out about that kind of thing.
but what she did freak out about was the future. she always felt safe within the present because it was the only aspect of her life she could control. she did not have a grasp at all on the future, but she knew exactly what went on in her present. she didn't mean for it to sound particularly sad that she didn't have a page, but she didn't know how else to phrase her feelings about the future. it made her feel a lot more worse when josh said that he thought about a lot of things like that, and she looked down, wondering if she should have been thinking about it too. children and a family and just...the future. while he'd been contemplating it, she'd been concerning herself with such issues as how nutella would taste on graham crackers and how long it would take her father to discover she'd been stockpiling picture frames in a back room for the past month. children only came to mind when she saw one on television or in a stroller and she had to stop and compliment the parents on their genetics. she'd never actually considered having a child with josh, even though that was the logical step after engagement and marriage, so having it brought up now left her head spinning.
yet josh was completely confident about their chances of having a child, or rather he was willing to try. meanwhile she tried to think of everything that went into said baby. her expertise lied in helping other people and caring for human beings, so she was naturally maternal. the only problem was that she didn't know if she may be missing something about raising a child. like how do you raise one to be a good person? what if you give it the wrong food or get the wrong diapers or a bunch of other what ifs? she took care of people, but this would be her own child. it was strange to think about, being a mother. she laughed lightly when he said that there could be some doubt about him, but she still felt apprehension over the entire matter. what he said next, though, choked her up. it wouldn't be a deal-breaker. if she'd felt forced to have children, then she would definitely do it for josh, but knowing that even though it's something he'd always wanted that he'd stay if she didn't want the same thing made her feel a lot better about even thinking of their non-existent child. as josh had never forced her into anything ever before, this was not surprising. when he finished off saying that he'd stay, she kind of felt like crying. so she looked away again just in case her eyes were watering. "thank you so much," she said, and she knew her voice sounded emotional. he'll stay with me. she didn't know if he understood just how much that meant to her, and she had to remember that he had always been there for her and stayed for her when the people who were supposed to stay ended up leaving. he knew all too well about her abandonment issues.
she'd much rather the marriage and kids and the big things could just...happen. so she wouldn't have to look ahead and consider all the things, good and bad. if life had an easy button, she'd be very happy. but it didn't, and she wished that she could be like josh who was so driven and sure about what he wanted. her mind didn't work that way. "i was sort of hoping that it would happen on its own," she said rather wryly. "que sera sera. whatever will be will be." it was how she lived life anyway, so if babies happened, then babies happened. of course, him bringing up the subject made her realize that that was not the best way to think about having children considering everything that came with a baby. she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and looked at him, glad that the wave of emotions had receded enough that she didn't have tears in her eyes. "i just wish i could be more like you and be able to think about the..." she gestured with her hands, before saying, "future. but i don't know what i see in it. i don't even know what i want as a career." she knew what she wanted from life: to help people. that was her main goal, she couldn't narrow it down to being a doctor like josh could. she was certain that she wanted a career, because even though she could rely on her (soon to be) husband, they had already seen the extent of her independence. "i guess i never knew you thought about uh...children." she didn't even know that he'd wanted children. what else did he want? and why did they never seem to talk about these big things?
nell smiled when he kissed her and she took his hand in both of hers when he spoke again. "i love you too," she said, looking down before meeting his eyes again, "so i just want whatever you want. we can try to have kids, you know, when we're ready. if you want to be a father, i'm more than willing to give that to you." she thought about being a mother while trying not to think of the examples of motherhood she'd grown up with. her father's mother had influenced him greatly, but they never spoke. her mother had never been good to her, and mia's mother had been just as bad. one of the biggest concerns had always been continuing that family pattern, but now she knew that she'd dedicated her years of freedom to being better than her parents and her family. she was completely healthy of the mind, and when she thought about it now without the mental block in place when it came to the future, she could imagine herself as a mother. a good one. and having a child with josh was slowly forming as a great idea in her head. that's what she really wanted, after all, a family. "i think i want kids," she said quietly, not sounding as certain as she felt she was. "i never considered it before, and when i think of my family and i see just how bad at being a family we are," she laughed a little bit, "it makes me nervous. like i won't know how to do it right." if she'd grown up in a healthy family environment, surely she'd be more confident in having one of her own. she would know how it's supposed to be, with grandparents doting on the kids and aunts and uncles paying visits and children being appreciated and loved. she rubbed the back of her hand under her eye just in case she started crying and laughed again. "i'm sorry, i'm being stupid." she didn't want to unload all her burdens onto him, but she usually ended up doing that anyway. she felt more like baggage than a fiance half the time.
I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 1, 2012 23:00:21 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
Joshua opened his mouth to protest, then smartly closed it again with an expression of wry amusement. Having been about to assure her that he was at fault for not being more observant, he realised that they were about to engage in a tireless circle. He thought for a moment and then said simply, "You had other things on your mind, I get that. Don't worry about it." He hoped to reassure her without directing the blame onto himself and making it worse. Besides, it was true. He'd been worrying about Jane since he'd found out Nell's plans to work with the CSIS and he wasn't even the one putting himself at risk. He listened carefully as she answered the question, letting out a slow breath afterward. He tried not to let his concern go into overdrive: was Jane really clueless or was it a ruse? He refused to ask Nell such questions, not wanting to concern her. Jane's a cocky bitch, he reminded himself. "She's full of herself, of course." The words were sour with an expression to match. "It's good for you, though, I'm glad. I worry about you." He knew he couldn't convince her to stop working with the government against Jane and so instead he tried for, "Be careful, 'kay?" His brows furrowed. It wasn't like dealing with Rafael, whose only advantage had been Joshua's own idiocy. This was the mob, this was dangerous, he didn't want her to get hurt. He was eager for the day when the woman would be put behind bars and his fiancée could be at ease. That he could be at ease.
Though they had been together for over two years now, Joshua did not think he would ever adjust to the sheer strength of his feelings for her, nor did he have any desire to. Even the smile she returned upon agreeing with him caused a rush of feelings to slam into his chest like a brick wall. He wasn't good with feelings, he never knew how to describe or express them, but he appreciated their presence as a physical manifestation of their relationship. It made him proud to see the brightness in her eyes, to know that he'd said the right thing with those words. He was always worried he'd trip up and say the wrong thing, or not explain himself right, or not do himself justice when he told her how much she meant to him. She understands. She was one of the few people that really got him. "So all my worrying was for nothing, huh?" He laughed weakly at the thought. God, I wish I'd asked her a little bit sooner. Not wanting Nell to think she was to blame for this, he said, "Not that it's a bad thing. It's great, really." He was beyond relieved that she still wanted to get married to him. Back when he'd first proposed he'd told himself that he didn't care if they got married or not and that it was only to make sure she knew he wouldn't leave regardless. Now he'd realised something: he wanted to be married to Nell. He wanted to have a real wedding ring to ward off unwanted attention and to be able to introduce her as his wife. He couldn't help himself from grinning broadly. "Three months it is." He'd be a married man in three months. It was a big deal. "Should we start planning right away?" He didn't see a reason to hold off on doing so. "I mean, we've got our work cut out for us. You should probably start looking for a dress, too, but I'm not allowed to have any part in that." There was an element of mischief to his tone. If they were to keep with the classic tradition, which he certainly planned on doing, she was all on her own for that one.
When he thought about the possibility of not having children, his stomach twisted and he realised how much he would be missing out on. He'd never be able to brag about his kids or play the role of a parent or feel that rush of pride if they turned out all right. At the same time, he knew that he couldn't give up on his love for Nell. He was glad, then, that it meant something to her. That any sacrifice he'd be willing to make for their relationship would not go unappreciated. "I'm not going anywhere, remember?" His smile was small but it spoke for him when he couldn't find the words. The proposal had been a promise that he wouldn't be another one of the many people in her life that was going to abandon her. He wasn't going to take back that promise. Not even if it meant giving up fatherhood.
He chuckled at the thought and hoped she wouldn't be offended by his amusement. "You hoped that I'd knock you up?" He figured she hadn't meant it that way and so his teasing tone was just that. Babies required responsibility and planning. He wouldn't suggest anything that would result in a pregnancy unless he knew that Nell wanted children, was ready for children. He'd always been responsible in that sense, even before he'd settled down for a relationship. He didn't want his child to be an accident. She said that she wanted to be more like him and that was sweet, though he couldn't return the desire. He liked knowing what he wanted out of life and he felt like he'd be lost without that knowledge. "Life dealt us pretty different hands," he said with a shrug. He wondered if she'd appreciate the card reference. "It doesn't bother me if you don't know everything that you want, just... there are some things you kinda need to put thought into, y'know?" Weddings didn't plan themselves, babies didn't make themselves—well, his mind had been bound for the gutter eventually, might as well get it over with—and when she mentioned a career he realised that those required forethought, too. "Not even any ideas?" Weddings and children were things that they could put off as long as they wanted but Nell was halfway through college, she'd have to be careful if she wanted to have the right classes to fulfil a major. It didn't bother him that she wanted a career out of life. He'd long since realised that she wasn't dependent and it was something he respected about her. It also showed him she wasn't a gold digger and that her love for him wasn't for her own gain.
You never knew because I never told you, thought Joshua. He didn't like hiding things from Nell but this had been something he'd kept to himself for the benefit of their relationship. "I didn't want you to feel pressured." A lot of the times it was the guy who became uncomfortable with the idea of settling down and having children but he'd not wanted it to end up the other way around. The overpowering feelings were back again and her hands felt warm against his. He couldn't stop smiling, it was making his face ache. "It's not only about what I want. It's about what we both want." She'd be the pregnant lady, he'd just be the fretful father hoping that his partner was going to be all right and that their child would turn out to be healthy. His concerns over the health of the baby were weaker than Nell's, he was more optimistic on the subject, but they were not non-existent. Nell went on and he listened hard, feeling a strong wave of joy when she said the words. "I think I want kids." She didn't sound positive but it gave him hope. If she wanted kids that meant he might get a chance to be a father after all. "I think you'll make a great mother, Nell," he told her truthfully. "You're great with kids. We'd be awesome parents." He laughed, too, and it was a cheerful sound in comparison to the weak relief that had saturated his earlier laughter. He put his other hand over hers and squeezed, smiling big. "You're not stupid, Nell, it's only natural to be nervous." The future was a big thing. He was nervous, too, though admittedly there was a huge difference. He had nervous excitement, she seemed to be plain old worried. "Besides, we have to finish school yet. Could be years before we're ready to raise kids. I just wanted to make sure I knew what you wanted." And now he knew and he couldn't be happier about it. They were getting married in three months, she wanted kids, they could have kids. There were a lot of feelings to sort through. "And I owe a call to my mother," he laughed. "Most of this is her fault." | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 2, 2012 22:17:32 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - looking at him and hearing him say that he worried about her made nell wish that josh did not have to be so involved in her life. she loved to have someone connected to her to the point where he knew her down to every last detail, but in times like this it felt like curse more than a blessing. because jane certainly didn't like him, and it was because of him and the rest of her loved ones that she needed to be doing this. i'm more worried about you than i am me. while sometimes she wished she didn't know him so he didn't have to be in danger like this, the reasonable part of her realized that he was the reason she took action in the first place. she smiled when he told her to be careful, nodded slightly. "i'll try. i'm not as overconfident as she is." nell had to be confident in order to do something like this, but her ego did not fuel her. she didn't even have an ego. she was afraid of who and what she was dealing with, but mark twain had said courage was not the absence of fear but taking action in spite of it. and she wasn't going to expect anyone else to do this for her, so she had to do it herself.
now that she was reassured that she hadn't done anything wrong save not tell him that she felt stressed out because of jane, it almost made her chuckle to think that he believe she wouldn't want to marry him anymore. they had not talked about it, but she really had had no clue how to approach it, didn't even think about approaching it. when would have been a good time to discuss this? over dinner, ask what he'd like to have at their wedding reception? maybe it would have been a good time to discuss it after pretend-planning northstar's wedding, just mention to him that she was talking with matt and maybe they should discuss their own. of course it hadn't crossed her mind. "yeah, it was," she crooned lightly when he said his worry had been over nothing, brushing a strand of his hair against his forehead affectionately, still wishing that she could have done something sooner to reassure her that she'd always want to marry him. she supposed the only step now would be to marry him. which she was going to do. in three months. three months. nell always knew she was going to marry him, but she had never actually thought of it happening realistically. and so soon. "a lot of planning." she exhaled, and held out her fingers, counting off. "the actual ceremony, guests, flowers, reception..." she stopped, blinking so that she did not get to ahead of herself and freak out. then josh mentioned the fact that she needed a dress and that he couldn't help with that, not realizing that it was pretty much tradition. "you can't?" she asked in a small voice. "then how...where...a dress..." she trailed off and looked around, now completely confused.
she was comforted by his words, however, the fact that he'd always promised he'd be there for her, and the words he spoke when he proposed and said that he wouldn't leave her. it may have been clingy, but she needed him. and words were one thing, promises could be broken, but he'd always been there for her and she had no reason to believe that he wouldn't be there for her five or ten or twenty years from now. a blush heated up her face when he spoke of knocking her up and she pouted. "i mean...you know what i mean." he was a professional at both flustering and embarrassing her, and it was usually at the same time. the idea of the future was also flustering for different reasons, and she didn't want to put too much thought into it. everything was always changing, and the only way to keep tabs on everything was to dedicate herself to life now. she didn't like to think of the future when she was doing so well at this moment in time. she smiled at the card reference, looking down. he said it was okay if she didn't know everything, and she wanted it to be okay. she wanted to believe that she didn't have to map out everything. "even if it puts us on different pages?" he was right, some things needed to be thought about, she understood this, but it was easier said than done. she wasn't good when it came to thinking what she wanted. she wanted josh, obviously, but he was here and now and she could count on him. some child that only existed in their thoughts? how could she be so sure about an idea, a basic theory?
nell wasn't too concerned about her college classes and the problem of choosing a major. as long as she had her base classes for college, she would be fine with whatever she chose. she knew that thanks to information from her guidance counselor. "i've settled on my major being psychology," she told him, though that wasn't much from the girl who spent the past year and a half switching up every major she had. "all i know is that i want to help people. i want to be a change in the things i see wrong with the world." as much as she loved everything, she was realistic enough that she didn't view the place as some pristine utopia. for one, she recognized how ignorant people could be to the problems around them, and she wasn't going to be like that. she refused to behave like her family when she knew people needed help.
nell didn't feel at all pressured now that she knew that he wouldn't leave her because of her choice. but she wanted him to be happy, and he'd always wanted to be a father. that's what she knew for certain, she liked to see him like this, smiling and joyful and she'd do anything to keep him that way. "i want you to be happy," she told him and she figured that would be what they both wanted. and she figured, how could a child not make her happy? she knew that in her heart of hearts that she did want a child and always had, but that desire had been beat down by other concerns of hers. her smile was forlorn when he said that he thought she'd make a good mother, her eyes distant as if she were imagining their child. she pictured dark hair and...what colored eyes, she wondered? it wouldn't matter, because it would be theirs. "i bet we would," she said about making great parents. of course josh would, and she knew he would be the dependable sort, not the kind she'd grown up with. every child wanted to do better than their parents, right? every parent wanted to give their children better, and that's what she wanted. the idea of a child was becoming a firmer idea in her head. she took another deep breath and nodded when he assured her that she wasn't being stupid, comforted by his closeness and the feeling of his hand over hers. he mentioned them finishing school and she said, "the idea of having children is not a bad one, i don't think. but i suppose, after graduating it'd be easier to think about." she'd have a better grip of where and who she was, she hoped. maybe she could get better about her own self image. a lot of maybes, but now that she had the idea of a child in her mind, she couldn't seem to shake it. josh mentioned his mother, and she lifted an eyebrow. "oh?' she said, not realizing trish was to blame for instilling the doubt in his head.
I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 4, 2012 19:54:24 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
He wanted to tell her to stop, to back out from what she was doing before she was pulled in too deep. Instead he nodded, knowing that there would be no use. I just hope that's enough. He didn't bother saying it aloud. He worried over Nell a lot, naturally, but he didn't want her to think that he had absolutely no confidence in her. That would suggest that he didn't think she was careful enough and insulting Nell was not something that he wanted to do.
The contact brought a soft smile to his lips for a moment and Josh felt bad for doubting her. He wished that he'd been honest about his concerns and asked about it a week ago instead of making her worry with his odd behaviour and unusual need for her approval. He hadn't, though, and there was no use dwelling too much on it now. What was done was done. Now they were able to settle on thinking about their wedding and while he wasn't enthralled at the prospect of figuring out a million different things he was glad to be marrying Nell. That was all that mattered, that was what they were getting out of this. "I already have an idea of who I want to invite," he said. He'd put some thought into it, after all, certainly more than Nell seemed to. Now he knew that it was only because of her uncertainty and this fact didn't bother him as much. "You know most of them, if not all, but I'll still talk it all out with you of course." It was their wedding, a team effort. "Do you have any ideas?" She'd need a maid of honour, her bridesmaids, all of that. He wondered if she would instantly know a group of people she trusted or whether it would take a bit of thinking. Either way was fine by him. He'd already asked Devin if he'd be best man. He wouldn't want anyone but his best friend supporting him. "Flowers shouldn't be too hard," he mused, chuckling. "I think my mother can pull some strings for the venue, so really we can have it wherever we want." Patricia had a lot of friends. It baffled him sometimes but he supposed you needed that kind of support for the elections.
Nell seemed more surprised than he'd expected about his refusal to help her out with her dress. He had grown accustomed to her naivety to certain parts of the world over the years but there were still moments when it blindsided him. He recovered quickly for her sake. "Well it's practically a tradition, I think it's supposed to be bad luck or something like that. I don't put much stock into it, I just want to be surprised." He grinned, almost mischievous. He didn't know much about the origins or reasoning behind it, being that he wasn't too big on weddings. It wasn't until he realised that he'd be having one of his own that he started paying attention. Relaxing, he said, "If you really want me around for that, I will be, but I think you'd be better off with one of your friends. I'm not exactly an expert on dresses." He laughed, though he was quite serious. He figured she'd have a lot more fun dress shopping with her friends, someone that could advise her on what looked good and what didn't. He was stubborn in the belief that she could look good in anything and that wouldn't help.
Despite wanting to be nice and wanting to take things seriously, he couldn't stop himself from smirking in amusement as he observed Nell's reaction. She really was adorable when she was all flustered like that. "I know," he agreed, the smirk softening into a much less devious smile as he touched her cheek affectionately. "Kids are just something best planned, I think. We'd want to make sure we were ready to be parents and all." A lot of things went into raising a child. It was a little overwhelming at first to think of putting nearly two decades of his life into making sure someone turned out all right but that was something that he wanted. He couldn't explain why he wanted it or how he knew, only that it was one of his deepest and strongest desires, right alongside his dream of becoming a doctor. He knew a lot of things that he wanted from life. He and Nell were a lot different there. "Especially if it puts us on different pages." The idea worried him, disagreeing with Nell, but they were different people. Not everything was going to match up all of the time. They'd already proven with this talk that they functioned differently in some areas of life. "Being on different pages doesn't mean we'll have problems, it just means we'll have to find a compromise is all. If you weren't up for kids, I'd be willing to back down from that. There'll always be a solution." Divorce spoke otherwise but he didn't like to think of the D-word when he was talking to Nell about their lives, their future together.
Psychology seemed to suit Nell. He found it interesting enough to have taken a basic course in it his first year of college, test the waters, but ultimately he'd decided to narrow his focus to the things he was going to end up using in his future career. Nell, on the other hand, he thought she'd be a good psychologist or therapist or counsellor or whatever else she could use psychology for. She had a way with people that he couldn't so much as dream of having. "It suits you," he told her. "And I think you'll do great at it, no matter what path you go down. If anyone can change things, I think it's you." He was incredibly biased seeing as he was in love with her but he did have a strong confidence. "You helped me out with a lot and I didn't even ask it of you," he said, lips twitching briefly as he remembered all of the times he'd confided in her. She had that way about her. He might have been jealous if he were the type but instead he was just happy that she'd found something she liked to do.
It was sweet the way she wanted his happiness, it caused a warm sort of feeling that he couldn't place. He could never sort out his feelings and so he simply accepting them as existing and left it at that. "I want the same for you, so... if you're happy with kids then I'm fantastic, if not then I can get over it. I promise." He had already promised himself that he wouldn't spend their lives moping over the kids he couldn't have if she wasn't willing to take that route. It would only make things worse for the both of them. Nell did want kids, though, she told him so, and the feeling from earlier intensified. "We're young, we've got all the time in the world to think about it." Mortality was a very real thing, they would not live forever, but at twenty one he was still young and eager to tackle any challenge placed in front of him. School, kids, a job, marriage, life in general, he felt like he was ready for anything. He looked sheepish for a moment when Nell seemed to want a bit of an explanation. Rubbing at the back of his neck, he said, "Yeah, she, uh, called me up last week and asked about the wedding. I wouldn't have thought much of it but she had me all convinced something was wrong." He shook his head. "She's just being a mother, I guess, but it really freaked me out. She'll be happy we've set a date, no doubt, she can stop freaking out over what I've done to you and all that." He stressed the words with a roll of his eyes. "Clearly you're too nice to fuck up a potential marriage, it has to be my fault." He was joking, now, laughing. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Sept 9, 2012 0:26:45 GMT -5
Star so light and star so bright first star i see tonight I wanna settle down Won't you settle down with me? Settle down We can settle at a table A table for two Won't you wine and dine with me? Settle down I wanna raise a child Won't you raise a child with me? Raise a child We'll call her Nebraska Nebraska Jones She'll have your nose Just so you know - - - - - - - - - - nell didn't have a clue about any of this. not only did she not have a clue, any clue that happened by took a look at her, shook its head and said screw this because she was hopeless. and here was josh, already with a mental guest list. she thought of all the people she knew, and wondered just how many would be an appropriate amount to invite. she liked a lot of people, and so she would like them all to see her on what would sure to be the happiest day of her life. well, one of the happiest. every day that she woke up in the morning was tops on her list. he asked her the question and she inhaled like she had an answer prepared before she hesitated. "uhm...how many am i allowed?" there was the advantage of not having any family to invite save for her father and her great grandfather if he could make it. she at least knew that her father would give her off, and she didn't know exactly how she thought about it. they were trying their best, but they were both crappy with relationships. it was funny that josh wanted to spend the rest of his life in one with her when she showed just how well she could mess things up. "go trish," she said, quietly amused. then she blinked. "or do i call her mom now? or mom-in-law?" it would be really weird calling her mama like she had her own mother, but the woman expressed more kindness and familial warmth toward her than most in her family had. the dales had really been more of a family to her than the sinclairs or the fuenteses. save for patrick and bryce, but there were a few in every family.
she supposed she should be more aware of wedding superstitions. roman catholics embraced them and she supposed she did to in the way that she didn't realize certain things were superstition. if someone spilled salt she threw some over her shoulder because that's what she'd always done. cards were a different matter, but they were also serious business. it seemed that josh actually knew more than her, unsurprisingly. not only did he know more than her in general (her issues would not allow herself to admit to any sort of intelligence) but he had more experience in life than she did. she had only known a block in the bronx, and it didn't even have a gas station let alone anything that could teach her about the world other than there were a lot of people that wanted to hurt her. "i guess...that's cool. i can do that. i mean, not like you're exactly professional." she smiled and held up her hand. "no offense, i know how much you want to break into the fashion industry." nell really did not know what she was going to do, though. she knew where to buy one, but other than that she felt like she was groping around in the dark hoping to find a light switch on the wall. so far she was unsuccessful.
she listened to josh speak, but that was the pressing question. when would she know she was ready? would it suddenly come to her one day, the maternal need to care for a tiny person? she already had that maternal need, and she just hoped that it meant she'd always been ready to be a mother. she'd been taking care of people her whole life, it was what she knew best. but children were not just making them smile when they were sad or making sure they ate right. they were people who grew like the plants in her garden, that would one day be a toothless baby and soon become a real person with ideas and hopes and dreams. it would be a life that she'd brought into the world, and it was breathtaking to think about. creation that pure could only rival god almighty, and considering that she grew up the daughter of a scientist it truly was the purest form of creation. "i just worry," she said casually when he spoke of pages and being on different ones. "that i might be too different from you." on her end, it didn't matter. she wanted what he wanted, she supported him no matter what, and there was nothing she wouldn't give him. but what if something she did or believed did not sync with his wants and beliefs? he was a man of drive and ambition, and she was drifting aimlessly through life. add on to that a helping of baggage and self-esteem issues and one had an amoebic sundae of indecision. they were different on so many levels, and it had never been a problem before but marriage was a whole different world, or so she'd been told. they'd been living as a married couple so far, it should not have been a concern.
nell smiled when he said psychology suited her. it made her stomach flutter, like she'd done something right. pitiful as it may be that she relied so heavily on his opinion, but she didn't make many choices based on her own needs. psychology hadn't even been based on her own needs. she wanted to use the science as a tool to fix others where she'd been told that things could not be fixed. she knew her mother hadn't been a lost cause, but there had been no one to tell the woman that. what he was saying just made it all the better, and she still wore that dreamy smile as she thought about it. "i guess i'm just that good, huh," she said. even though she said it jokingly, she could acknowledge that she worked hard enough to be proficient in most areas. she picked up bartending easily enough, and science was something that had been with her her entire life. granted psychology was something relatively knew to her, but she was interested in it. "and here you are, wondering if there's something wrong with you when you've had me around." she rolled her eyes playfully, recalling when she brought up something being potentially wrong with a child they might have. in all seriousness, she liked to hear that she'd helped him. it was one of the purest hopes she had, making him happy.
which was why she had to tell him that. she had the capacity to make decisions against him, as she'd proven when she declined his offer to move in with him. which of course she'd turned back on because living any place without him was not a home, as cliche as it was. he said he promised, and contemplating this fictitious child, she held up her pinkie. "pinkie promise?" she said. for her, any swear made with a pinkie was ironclad. she trusted him, it just had always been the way she made pinkie promises, all the times she'd done so with her sister. "my biological clock says otherwise," she told josh when he said they had all the time in the world, but it was without a hint of concern for it. nell did not worry since she had about twenty years before biology gave up on the prospects of her procreating. he told her why he'd have to be speaking to his mother because she had given him the idea that there might have been something wrong with them. instead of blaming her like a woman who loathed her future mother-in-law would, her lips twitched a bit at his joking. "then i guess you can tell her she doesn't have to worry. but do you think other people think like that? that just because we aren't getting married that we're fighting or something?" it didn't matter in the way it made her feel about him, but she was curious if that was in the collective consciousness of society whenever they saw a couple like them. I wanna settle down I wanna settle down Baby there's no need to run I'll love you well I wanna settle down It's time to bring you down On just one knee for now Let's make our vows - - - - - - - Star so light and star so bright keep him by my side (c) stark of aote |
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Sept 14, 2012 9:19:19 GMT -5
. . . | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] ★ | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62] | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] 'CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO SHARE FOREVER | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
Joshua blinked, trying to do mental math that would not work out in any way unless he actually knew the size of the building that they were going to be using for a venue. Shaking his head once to clear it, he chuckled and said, "It depends on how many people we can fit in a building. My list isn't too big, so you'll have some room, but..." Josh had always been someone with a smaller list of closer friends that he would think to invite places and hang out with regularly but he was aware that Nell was a much more social creature than he and that she might have a wider array of choices. "Close friends should get priority, of course." He didn't realise that Nell marked friendships differently than he did, that she didn't label people as best friends. He had known her for years and she knew more about him than anyone else but there were always things that could slip past. The question about his mother gave him pause and his lip twitched in amusement. "Call her whatever you like, I don't think she'd mind." He told the truth, at least his opinion of the truth. His mother had always liked Nell even when Donovan was having his doubts and so he was almost certain that the woman wouldn't care how Nell referred to her. As Donovan crossed his mind, he said, "Dad, too." Though there had been a rough patch for a while, he trusted that his father had (finally) gotten over whatever issues he had with his son's fiancee.
A relieved laugh brushed past his lips when Nell seemed to relax enough to agree with him and joke around. "Why do you have to crush my dreams, babe? Where's the advice to follow my heart?" He shook his head. How disappointing, his own partner wasn't behind him in his incredibly obvious quest to be a fashionista. The mere thought of Josh being into fashion was funny, though, and he chuckled again after a pause. "I do have a badass collection of shades, though." No one could deny that he was a near-expert on sunglasses. He now had closer to two hundred pairs instead of one hundred. It might have been a little wasteful to spend a couple hundred bucks each on the more designer pairs but hey, he was wealthy. What else was he going to do with the money? The money would be helpful for the wedding, too. They could have anything they wanted. "Mmm, we're gonna need music, too," he said as it crossed his mind. There really were a lot of elements to wedding planning. Frowning, he said, "I hope we don't forget anything." He made a note to ask his mother what had went into the planning of his parents' wedding so that he was at least half-prepared for the smaller details. He knew more than Nell but it wasn't too impressive a feat. He wasn't wedding planner or anything.
Her words instilled within him a brief concern. If we're too different? He had definitely noticed a lot of their differences over the course of their relationship but most of them had not been too much of a concern. He didn't like that she wouldn't stand up for herself, fight back, but that was more due to a protective instinct than anything else. Will there ever be something I can't accept about her? It was a frightening thought. He wanted to tell himself that no, Nell could never turn him against her, but how could he know for sure if he couldn't predict the future? Though he'd have preferred not to think of it, the issue of her sanity crossed his mind. That had nearly been a limit for him. It wasn't, he reminded himself. Taking a breath, he said, "Are you willing to take that chance?" His voice was steady. He wasn't scared. No, it was more like hesitance. He liked to know things, liked to be certain of his future. This brought fog into the picture. "We are different. We'll always be different, but... I mean, as long as we can work around it." He tried to convince himself that they could. "Right here and now I can't think of any reason I wouldn't stay with you. As long as you don't turn into an axe murderer..." He cracked a smile, falling back on his usual habit of joking when he wasn't sure how to handle a situation. He had thought of saying 'as long as you don't kill anyone' but that struck a little close to a sensitive subject he'd prefer to avoid.
As a child he'd never had cootie shots and pinkie promises. He'd had but a few friends and none of them had been at school with him. He'd been so concerned with looking cool that he had shirked a lot of things that would have otherwise been a normal part of childhood. Despite all this, he cracked a brief smile and held up his hand. "Sure. A promise is a promise." If it would help Nell then there was certainly no harm in it. He wasn't allergic to pinkie-swears. She brought up her biological clock and he shrugged. "Ah, you know what I meant," he said. "We've got a while. Years." A year was a long time, especially when his job wouldn't be a reality for another four and a half of them. He'd have a job way before Nell's body decided that children were no longer a possibility and so he wasn't overly concerned about that if Nell wasn't. She hadn't sounded worried and he chose not to be suspicious for the sake of his own sanity. She asked a good question and he chewed the inside of his lip for a moment as he considered how to answer. "They might, yeah. I don't care what they say, though. We know we're not fighting." He passed her a smile that he hoped was comforting. "What people don't know, they make up. It's a pain in the ass but it's true." If they couldn't mind their own business that was their fault and not the fault of the couple. | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=e8dec5] IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE | | [cs=4][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][bg=957b62]
I DID MY BEST TO PUT MY LOVE IN WORDS WHEN I KNELT DOWN AT YOUR FEET AND TOOK YOUR HAND. DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT IT THAT NIGHT? KNOWING THEN AND THERE WAS WHEN WE'D START TO GROW. YOU SEE --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - --- - _
I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW, |
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