LET ME BREATHE [nell]

The weather did not warm up in winter, she'd learned that over the past two years she'd been living in Canada. Not once. At times the weather lulled her into a false sense of security with a warm spot, but then it was back to snow and freezing temperatures and why was it still like this when spring should be on its way? It was still a long ways off, but in her mind she wanted to pretend that any day the flowers would be blooming. And not just with her influence, as the flowers she'd weaved into the fishtail braid she wore now. It was good endurance practice, and she liked that she could exercise like this in small ways.

Even though the temperature did not suit her, she still preferred to be outside. The castle was drafty, anyway, and she supposed as an Earth elemental that this was her natural habitat. Like a rhino in the Savannah. She wore a pea coat over her sweater, the same one from last year. Her funds went toward food a lot, not clothes. Growing up, she wore whatever she had for years, and got hand-me-downs from neighbors. The jeans she wore had been bought last fall, and her Chucks were as old as her coat. Her fiance was rich and his clothes showed for it, but she was fine with her band t-shirts and big sweatshirts.

She walked out of the building, waving goodbye to her friend, looking around at the snow that had fallen across the lawn. In moments like this she could find peace, something she desired in every aspect. Rare moments were appreciated when she could just sit down and relax. Well, she would not be relaxing, she'd be doing her homework. She fit it into whatever time she could to finish homework, since her homework, volunteering, and her father ate up a lot of her time. School was still a priority, though, and it was amazing she prioritized it as such, even in high school. She didn't have parents to tell her to get up in the morning and go in her senior year, she'd done it herself.

The graduate set out to the courtyard, buttoning the last one of her coat as she walked. Earths were definitely not made for temperatures like these, that was her main thought. That thought fled her mind, though, when she saw Emmett lounging on a bench. She stopped, eyebrows knitted together. Oh. He was asleep, and it was so absurd and adorable that she almost laughed. Biting it back, she went around, finding a spot on the fountain to sit on. There wasn't too much of a splash, so she felt she could safely take out her Statistics homework and work on it without it getting wet. Math classes were usually the only ones she had homework in and not extensive papers.

Nell looked up when she heard the cursing, recognized Emmett's voice. The fountain partly obscured her vision, as well as the bangs she tucked behind her ear. Her eyes studied the scene before her, not intent on moving from her place. An angry Emmett did not seem like a good Emmett to be dealing with. So she stayed out of it until a teacher approached and accosted him. Scooting around, she looked to see that the teacher was looking at the Thunder. Her eyes went to the other students who were looking quite proud of themselves. They were her allies.

She put the paper into her folder and returned that to her messenger bag, picking it up before walking over to where the teacher stood with Emmett. "Uhm, excuse me," she said as politely as possible when she was interrupting an encounter. Nell looked at the teacher instead of Emmett and said, "I saw what happened. He was just sleeping." She motioned to the Thunder then, since she didn't know if the teacher had learned Emmett's name. "Those guys splashed him with water. He wasn't trying to start a fight." Well, afterward maybe, but it figured that it would be justified considering he'd had a rude awakening from the other students.

Nell ignored the dirty looks she received from the Water students. Her idea of justice was one taken from Spike Lee's philosophy--do the right thing. Even if prior alliances are involved. That was another reason she hated her grandfather for what he did, for claiming putting her on trial was justice when he knew he was doing the opposite. She'd recently discovered he had in fact been committing a crime in lying about the details of the trial (and not only the details that needed to be lied about). Obstruction of justice, something that could be pinned down on his record. He was a criminal just like the ones he prosecuted, and she would just love to tell him that, to rub it in his face. But she wasn't like that. Even after all that he did to her, she could not be cruel in return.

She smiled at the teacher disarmingly, sensing the usual electricity between her and Emmett that she simply chose to ignore. "Pretty sure," she assured the man, but he went on a little tangent. Clearly he had problems with Thunders, and she could understand it. You're out of school, you shouldn't be holding on so tightly. He was just as bitter as the Thunders he did not like, as it seemed. She did not interrupt his harangue, until Emmett said something carrying the potential to dig himself into a deeper hole. "You must understand how Waters are, too," she said. "They pull what they think is a harmless prank, and it ends up upsetting someone. It happens. I'm sure they didn't mean it." No, they definitely meant it, but in assuaging the situation it would be a good idea not to point fingers like that.

She didn't understood why it upset her when he made generalizations like that. No, it had to be because they were generalizations. While she stayed away from the opposing alliances in the Academy, she knew that they could not be pigeonholed as terrible people just because of the alliances they were a part of. That was unfair. She did not like generalizations at all, because she had been the victim of them before. And she still was, being an Earth student. She was automatically labelled a pussy, and she supposed she was because of her pacifistic nature. But she knew Earths who fought back, just like she knew Waters who started fights. It wasn't right for the teacher to be so antagonistic, spewing venom at Emmett.

Speaking of the boy, she looked and finally noticed him glancing at her and she lifted her eyebrows with a plain expression that clearly read, You're really going to be difficult when I can get you out of trouble? Nell didn't think he had any desire for a detention because no one did. "So can we just let this drop?" she chirped, casting another bright smile in the direction of the teacher. She was like the little duckling that had wandered into a fight between stags ramming their antlers against each other. Just an innocent little bystander. And that's what she was, because she had no reason to defend Emmett except for the fact that she couldn't see something like this happen without standing up for him.

Watching as the teacher tried to touch Emmett, she didn't connect that he withdrew his hand because of the static. She was too glad that the man actually listened to her and believed her side of the story. She inclined her head as if to listen closer when he spoke up, and his question was of their relationship. There was no relationship, there was nothing except a tense and awkward tutor-pupil dynamic. As Emmett clarified then, dispelling any other suspicions the teacher (or the students, for that matter) may have had. "People shouldn't get into trouble for crimes they didn't commit." Almost as an afterthought, she sent the Thunder student a glance, as if telling him to pay special attention to what she was saying. She committed the crime, yes, but it was a lot more complicated than he knew. Than anyone knew, save for whoever was in the courtroom during her trial. And even then, it went deeper, there was more to it than just that one night that ended up with her psyche on tight-rope and her freedom a question of how long before the authorities found her.

Unaware as she was with the static shock, she was equally unaware as to the blows to his pride. She didn't understand much about proud, because she only had it in one area of her life. As much as she was empathetic, she was equally ignorant to what went on in the heads of others. She almost rolled her eyes when he adopted a cheerful tone, instead looked straight ahead, trying to keep amusement from her face. He was only damning himself if the teacher decided he didn't like his tone or behavior or whatever else could condemn Emmett to detention. Judging by his actions earlier, she doubted the teacher would have any problem with slamming a detention on him for simply being a Thunder student. And she almost wanted to say it was her Thunder blood that decided to defend Emmett, the innate gene in her that instead morphed into what she was today--a hippie.

Perhaps it was the Thunder blood that made her wonder why they could be so speechless that Emmett had an ounce of goodness in him. She may not have held him in the best regard, not at all, but she didn't believe him to be an insufferable asshole just because of his element. Did she even think of him as an asshole? It was very hard to stay on Nell's shit list, and though she would never say it to him, he would not stay on there. She forgave far too easily to allow a permanence over the fact that he was a dick to her after finding out she was a murderer. What's more, in some dark place of her mind she convinced herself that she needed to take it and suck it up. She was a murderer, and since she did not have a jail sentence, she needed some way to suffer. Maybe the gods sent a boy with what may have been a permanent scowl on his face to do that. No, Emmett wasn't half as bad as Jane or Rafael or her grandparents. He just reacted as he saw fit, and that understanding after she fled the situation settled her nerves.

She did not protest when he took her wrist, simply turned and followed him away from the scene, glad to hear that the teacher wasn't going to call after Emmett and demand he stay for a detention. When he let go, she stepped back once, dropping her arm next to her and scratching it with her other hand. Someone with less pride would have thanked her, but a thanks would have been stranger in this situation than the icy response that came from him. "So you think that teacher would have had mercy on you if I didn't do something?" She peered over her shoulder than looked at Emmett's back. "It most likely would have made his day to give you a detention." It was spoken without bitterness, just an acknowledgment that even she could tell the teacher was intensely prejudice against Emmett, which he didn't deserve.

Nell sighed, and shrugged. "All right, I'm sorry for interfering like that. But it would have sucked to have gone down for something like that." It may not have sounded completely sincere with how weary she sounded, but it was, because this was her and she was sincere with everything she did. She didn't lie or try to cover things up. She was upfront about anything that came to whoever she was with. She was completely upfront with Emmett and how she viewed him. But she knew he most likely didn't think of her as the most honest person in the world, since he hadn't even known she was a murderer when first finding out from Rafael. Rafael. With a slight tinge of bitterness, Nell felt the desire to point out that even his friend would not have done that for him, not because she wanted his thanks, but because she hated her brother that much. And she knew he would not have done anything for Emmett because she was pretty sure he exhibited signs of being a sociopath.

Emmett had every right to be upset about this, so she let him have his anger and his discontent and she would never be the person to tell someone to get over it, or that it was no big deal. She did not speak when she knew others were angry, because words had the potential to make everything worse. And though the boy did not speak, she knew he was angry. Especially when he turned to face her, and she could see it in his dark eyes, the same ones she had glared at only a short time ago as she told him to go look her up if he wanted to find out more about her. He was the public, he was part of the populous that could get his hands on anything he wanted regarding her. One of those people she feared for how much they could potentially know. He scared her with what he already knew about her, the simple fact she was a murderer. Powerlessness and lack of control made her just want to return to anonymity, but she couldn't do that unless she became a recluse. Her life situation was a lose-lose situation.

Her gaze did not leave room for judgment or provocation, it was simple and honest and she did not even speak down to him. It almost didn't matter when her lip twitched into a smile when he called her Judge Judy. No matter how serious the situation was, she couldn't help it. ”But it makes a difference for now,” she said. Did that mean anything to him? Or would he rather lay down and bare his belly? She couldn't judge him for that, and would be a hypocrite to encourage him to defend himself where she wouldn't anyway. But I'm not him. That much was clear. They were opposites in every way. ”You get out of trouble for one day, you might never see him again.” She did not think enough into the future to consider the idea that he may have another incident, that the teacher may approach again to cause shit for him. In this moment, the Water students did not have their way. And she did not mind that she had essentially betrayed her alliance for an enemy, because justice in all the ways it had been twisted into a cliché, seemed more important to her.

Emmett reacted very impudently to her apology, and she guessed she'd expected it all along. What more would she ever get from him, the boy who immediately declared them enemies the first time they met? He hadn't wanted an apology, so she said nothing more on the matter, idd not try to make him accept it, tie him down and force feed him her sympathies. He looked away again, and she shifted the strap on her shoulder, still oddly comfortable in this situation. She wasn't one to doubt much about her own feelings when it came to another person. Often, she felt completely certain in what she felt, so she left no room for doubt when it came to Emmett. She did not fear him or hate him, and so she had no reason to feel discomfort with his gaze.But when he asked again, looked away and seemed to change in demeanor, she let herself think about it. She could give him an answer that he wanted to hear, but that was not her style. Her style was honesty.

She looked down for a moment, studying her boots, before glancing back up. The expression in her eyes was what one may have considered pensive, curious. ”You know I don't hate you.” Nell shrugged, because now they were onto her feelings and she was just not comfortable with that sort of subject. But it would be the most honest answer she could give him. ”I mean, I really can't hate you. I know you're not a bad person. Take that as a compliment.” She tacked the last part on like an afterthought. Nell knew all about bad people, she was a product of them, packaged and sealed and considered a defect when she turned out to be the complete opposite of those people. ”So, if you're ever in trouble...expect me to help you. And in the end, I don't care if you hate me or whatever. You have every right not to like me. So there it is.” Nell spread her fingers as if that's all she had to give him, that she couldn't explain it any better than that, and even so it didn't seem the strongest reasoning. Some mental wall prevented her from putting feelings into words.

It was obvious that Emmett was the exact opposite of Nell. He thought negatively, the outcomes that could destroy him. She had had her moments (last winter had been some extended pessimism) but she would never allow her thoughts to drop so far as to believe that there would never be a good result. "I don't know what to tell you," she said plainly. "Sometimes in life you have to deal with things you don't want to, and there's nothing you can do." She knew that very well now, with the position she was stuck in with Rafael and Jane, the former blackmailing her and the latter enforcing her ultimatum. All she could do was sit on her hands, and though she did not like it, any other option would be dangerous. And again he displayed his pessimism. "Yes, might," she told him. "That's better than definitely." And it was something. She had to deal with teachers who didn't like her, everyone did she believed. People just didn't like other people. "If it becomes a real problem, talk to someone who'll take your side." Another Thunder professor who could deal with the problem. There was other options, but she figured that he'd somehow find a way to turn that down. His pride would not allow it, she bet.

Nell shook her head, looking away slightly as she smirked to herself. His voice was harsh, but she didn't take it to heart. It really was a good thing she had patience, otherwise she would be in no position to deal with Emmett. At all. "I told you we weren't enemies, and I still hold to that." She was firm in her decisions when they came to other people. Sometimes there were gray areas, but she could only think of a few specific exceptions to the 'no enemy' rule. She did not like to keep people who hated her around. "Well then, I don't think you're a bad person." No, she would never claim to knowing him. She only knew what he presented to the world, his interactions with others, the sociological aspects that made up Emmett Nakamura. "Until you prove me wrong, that's the belief I'll hold." Nell did not like this, all the talking about her feelings and what she believed. It was not a comfortable thing for her, never would be. She was almost shy in such situations, but that might not have been the most accurate word considering she never got shy.

Emmett continued questioning her and she could only blink when he swung round on her. He had never done anything for her, she knew that. It was obvious that he didn't care for her, and she was fine with that because that's not what she asked for. "I don't see how that matters," she said carefully, voicing her words so she wouldn't have to really be talking about herself. "It doesn't, not to me." How could she explain this, it was making her uncomfortable to simply think about it, considering this was about her feelings, and he needed some way to divert the topic over to him. "You were a jerk to me, I get that. But I can't tell you why it doesn't matter, because it just doesn't." It really should, considering that he actually managed to ruffle her up, which was an accomplishment in itself. She was not so easily fazed, she could withstand most anything, but that was a subject which she wished would never be broached. The world was uncontrollable, however, and it spun out of her hands. "Does an explanation mean anything to you, Emmett, I mean really." She didn't think he would care about it. He didn't seem to care about much, but as he said, she didn't know him.

Of course he was upset with her still. Nell could take it and understand it and accept it as how it was going to be. That's why his cutting words didn't affect her as much as maybe they should have. She should have snapped back that she was only trying to help. But she could already predict which route that would take, and it wasn't one that came out with any sort of good ending. It wasn't an outcome that would have them both satisfied. In fact, it would only wind up in an argument that she did not have the energy for. She was not built for anger, it wore her out and exhausted her and left her empty. Why would she want to fight him if that was the only way she'd be left feeling? ”Then I won't give you any,” she said, in a tone much more muted of feeling than before. It was simply spoken to satiate him, to allow him his pride and his security that he could handle this. She didn't think the teacher would come back at him harder than before for what she did, so she still saw no reason for his animosity. But she did not point this out, because that was another way to instigate a fight, and she said no thanks to that.

Nell could tell him so much about herself that might change his mind about how different they were, but that was the issue. Speaking, telling him about who she was. She never did that, absolutely never. But she could tell hil that she'd been hurt enough already, and the reason she was so naïve was because of one dogma she held to no matter what—nothing she gets now will ever be as bad as what she got back then. No one could hurt her like she had been before. ”I'm not weak,” she told Emmett, and it wasn't to defend her pride or assure him as something. It was a cold hard fact, enoguh of one to be written in a textbook and held as the highest truth. She'd been to hell and back, and she allowed herself the trickle of pride in realizing that. You could live through anything that does not kill you outright. The Romans taught her that. ”I may be naïve, but I'd rather be that than jaded to the world.” She'd rather be naïve than become like her mother, she meant, someone who could not even see the world as anything good or righteous. It was just the plane on which she lost any chance of hope.

The words strummed a cord, and she didn't know how to react at first. Is that what he thought of her? Is that what he thought of himself? She didn't know what to tell him. If she had the capacity to be honest about herself, she'd tell him it was self-neglect that had her putting her energy into others. But that was not something she could tell him. Nell didn't know what to make of his expression, his words, his desire to know about this. ”Maybe you should take a good look at yourself and think about what you do deserve,” she said, playing with the medallion she kept around her neck, St. Christopher protecting his travelers from earthquakes and lightning and anything that might to them harm. ”It's a lot more than you think.” Everyone deserved more than they got in their life. She didn't know about his personal life, but she could be decently sure that it was not absolutely perfect, that it wasn't white picket fences and two parents three kids and the nuclear family dream. ”As for me, I like people. Even the people who don't like me.” She lifted her eyebrow at him, dropping her hand. ”I've forgiven people for much worse, Emmett. Even if you wanted to, you can't truly hurt me.” Maybe that was a blow to his ever-present pride, but if he wanted an explanation, that was as best she could give. He couldn't upset her because of what she worked into her head, what chose to believe as God's honest truth.