by the way;; Nell

Nell was definitely feeling the stress. As much as she tried to push it away and take her mind off of it, she was always tense, as if bracing herself for some sort of impact. Mostly around her father and Jane—especially the latter. Because the woman threw her verbal punches hard, and knew exactly where to hit her niece. Family members were the ones capable of hurting you the most—whether you knew them well or not. Which is exactly why she felt so tense coming back to the apartment. A part of her was glad that Josh wasn’t there—she wanted to be happy and smiling for him because his situation was so dismal, but she was just too rigid to work her mouth into anything resembling a smile.

Why did her father have to put her through this? She wondered as she threw her keys on the end table if he was just living in his own little world, where everyone acted the way he wanted them to act and outter appearances were everything. He should know Jane better, at least. The woman was putting up an act, and he was just buying it into it. Of course Nell knew better, which is why she didn’t appreciate the man leaving her alone with Jane. Even when he was in the next room, the mansion was rather large and anything could happen between the two in a short space of time. Luckily, the woman just sticked to verbal assaults. Or was it lucky? ”You know, Nelly,” Jane said when they were forced to sit together in the sun room, Nell filling out paperwork that she was trying not to lie on. She’d gotten too used to it. ”If you had let Mia kill you…no one would have cared that you died, and you wouldn’t have to be put through the trouble of filling out this paperwork for an attorney. Something to think about.”

Nell would have liked to break the pen, but she certainly wasn’t strong enough to split plastic. Simply, she narrowed her eyes before shaking her head and looking down at the paper. She had left name blank. She didn’t want to put herself as Sinclair Fuentes. And suddenly she felt sick, which is why she left and came back home. No one would have cared that you died. She hated that Jane was right in everything said. She knew that no one even knew about Nell’s existence, and it intensified her regret—but she couldn’t let herself think about that, no matter how Jane tried to make her. If she let herself come face-to-face with the fact that she…she did what she did to her mother, it would mean another breakdown. It would mean hating herself even more.

No one would have cared that you died.

She would have been forgotten, just like Tilly. Nell tried her best not to think about it as she fell face-flat on her couch, groaning a bit. A wet nose brushed against her fingers, and she lifted her hands to scratch behind Pablo’s ears. She sat up and picked the cat from the floor. He was definitely heavy, full-grown now, and she stared into his eyes. ”You would have missed me, right, Pablo?” Too bad the cat wasn’t even born then, and he simply yawned, showing his thin and sharp kitty teeth. When she opened the door to see Ethan, she quickly put on a smile. Her friends definitely did well to make her feel better, no matter what her problems with her family were. However, he seemed…nervous. Anxious. Her thoughts no longer on herself—thank the good lord—she drew her eyebrows together. ”Sure, come in, Ethan.” She pursed her lips. ”Is something wrong?” Well, obviously, judging by his expression and his uneasy words.

Walking into the kitchen she said, ”You want anything? I always got food.” Of course, Ethan would understand this, but right now she actually felt a little sick to her stomach. It still didn’t stop her from getting out Chinese food, and forgoed nuking it, simply pulled out the wooden chop sticks and ate it cold. She sat down on the couch, and looked at Ethan. She understood how some people could be nervous in others’ homes, but she gave her friends’ free reign. They could dig through her fridge and even her possessions if they wanted to—she didn’t mind. ”So what’s up?” It didn’t cross her mind that he had just found out about her dirty little secret. Actually, it wasn’t a dirty secret with it publicised as it was. Even still, as she was trying to sort out what she was going to do on her return to New York, she didn’t consider that Ethan just became privy to information she didn’t want any of her friends to know about.

Even though she was always invested in others’ well-being, she didn’t like to automatically assume that there was something wrong with her friends. Still, Ethan seemed a bit…off. She just couldn’t put her finger on it. You’re being weird, that’s all. Waving her hand, and in a way also waving away her worried about Ethan, she joked, ”I can never understand people who aren’t hungry all the time.” Nell wasn’t necessarily hungry all the time, really, it’s just that—simply put—she liked food. And she wasn’t shy about it, just like Ethan wasn’t shy about his personality. Maybe that’s why she was a little concerned? Oh, she didn’t know. So she focused on the Chinese and her friend and whisked away thoughts of her trolling aunt and her father and anything else that may have brought down her mood. True, now she was smiling easy, completely oblivious to Ethan’s inner turmoil.

When he sat down next to her, however, she could tell something was wrong. True, she wasn’t always the most observant person, but she liked to believe she knew her friends. Well enough to understand their behavior and moods, at least. And she knew that Ethan wasn’t normally like this, didn’t usually drum his fingers in what seemed like…anxiety? If it’s something he wants me to know, he’ll tell me. Of course, there were those who needed prodding, but she didn’t know how true her inner monologue was. However, when he began, she thought this was just him being his usual self. ”Ooh, rumor time?” she said, leaning in a bit with a giggle. No, that didn’t seem right. Why would he be acting so strange about a simple rumor? Guess I’ll have to see.

It didn’t take long to find out. Nell bristled, and the hairs on her arms prickled up like a spooked cat. She blinked at him a few seconds, feeling her blood rushing through her veins. You shouldn’t be surprised. People were going to find out now, after all. It was drawing close, too close, and with Jane around… She’d already told Josh’s father about it, and so it was only to be expected that others would find out. Like Ethan. It wasn’t a secret, not as much as she would have liked it to be. ”Uhm…yeah. Yeah, there is,” she said, guilt and shame winding in her gut and making her set down the carton. She didn’t feel hungry anymore. It took her a second before she managed to look back at Ethan. She liked him, he was a good friend, but how much did she trust him? ”What have you heard about it?” She knew that he knew some folk in her home state, but that didn’t really register right then. Looking away again, she let out a bitter chuckle as she shook her head. ”I guess you know what I did to my mother.” After speaking the words, her throat felt constricted. Even the vague phrase (what I did in America, what I did to my mother) couldn’t save her from the sick feeling in her gut, the overwhelming fear that Ethan was now judging her, viewing that label she always imagined to be stuck to her forehead. Murderer.

There was so much guilt as she sat with her friend who she’d been lying to for so long, who probably thought she was just a normal girl, but she managed to look him in the eyes so she could emphasize how important her next quesetion would be. ”Do you trust me?” It was a big question, and it was one she needed an answer to before she said anything else. She tried to quell the panic she felt, and bit her lip. Please don’t hate me, Ethan. What must he think of her, though, now that he knew…he knew what she did? And he probably believed that she killed her mother in cold blood, because the only person she told the truth to was Josh. No matter who the Water student heard it from, it would be a lie. One that would probably have him against her, because who could get along with a vicious killer? That’s not me. But that was probably not what Ethan thought. This was her past catching up with her again, this was the reality of what she’d done, and this was another person she cared about being affected by it. And she wished she could just sink away into the couch cushions.

The air in the apartment had become quite stifling since Ethan’s admission. Or was that just her? Was he feeling it too? The plants all around should have provide a good quantity of oxygen, but right now she wanted to throw up the window or just run away. But she was always running, which landed her this mess in the first place. Still, her claustrophobia was something very real, something she couldn’t control. She sometimes got that way in her own apartment, especially in a stressful situation like this. Nell couldn’t help but remember all the locked doors in her house, the closet her mother would keep her in for however long she pleased, and her throat closed up and she excused herself to go to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. With shaking hands, she tilted it to her lips and stayed silent for a little while.

She noticed that Ethan was similarly uncomfortable, and how could he not be? He just found out his friend was a murderer. Her gut clenched, and it felt like every organ in her torso constricted the other until she couldn’t breathe anymore. She took slow breaths so as not to alert the Water elemental to her panic. Nell couldn’t suggest they go anywhere else, because she only felt safe talking about this in the privacy of her home. It wasn’t like they could walk on down to Timmies and discuss her criminal record over coffee. No, they were confined to this tiny space she called an apartment, a space currently trying to suck the breath from her.

Nell listened silently as she tried to fight off her panic attack, which wasn’t working. You couldn’t fight it, something like that was impossible. She clenched her teeth together as she listened to Ethan, nodding a little to show she was listening even though she couldn’t look him in the eye. It was only reasonable that he looked into it. Of course he would, and that was the terrible thing about it. Ethan was just delving deeper into the lies. She opened her mouth to speak, closed it again. Then she finally managed to get out, ”I’m sorry,” she said, the guilt also very tangible now, like it was resting in her throat, ready to choke her. ”That I couldn’t tell you and you had to find out that way. I’m…just so sorry.” She was sorry for a lot of things, including murdering her mother in the first place. I never wanted this, Ethan. It was an honest to god mistake, and she wanted to tell him that, but her voice wouldn’t allow for much more conversation beyond her strangled apologies.

She waited as Ethan took his time answering, wondering what was going on in his head, what he was evaluating, what he must have thought of her now. Did he see her as something inhuman now? That’s how she’d been treated all her life, after all. She had been objectified by her mother and her aunt and her grandparents into something to take their anger and vengeance out of. And even though she didn’t consciously recognize this herself, she felt it would happen should anyone find out about her. Josh knows. Josh was different. He was just…just that. Different. She could never find the right words to describe him, and so she’d just stopped trying. Ethan’s tone was level, though, as he replied and she decided to believe him. ”There is…a lot more.” Like the truth. Nell really didn’t know how to approach this, and she was honestly freaking out.

Nell tilted her head to look at Ethan, a pained expression on her face. ”Do you want to go somewhere else?” she asked. Yes, Nell was stalling, but more than that she felt the panic deep in her stomach and she was afraid of what she might do if kept in her very, very small apartment any longer. ”I mean, we can go somewhere without a lot of people.” Wait, maybe Ethan would think she was luring him away to kill him or something? He knew she was a murderer, it wasn’t too far-fetched to think that, right? Oh god, oh dear god. ”Like the hiking trails. I just…I’m claustrophobic.” She was trying to convince Ethan that she wasn’t trying to off him or anything, a desperate look in her eyes now. Nell just needed to get the hell out, and then maybe it would be easier to tell him. But she knew it would be difficult to confess to her friend that she’d murdered the woman who gave her life, even if he already knew.

Nell shook her head, lips twitching into a smile empty of humor. She laughed, the sound somewhat choked. ”You’re not intruding on something that’s public knowledge.” Her past—the fabricated version—was something one could pull from the internet or from the news. She was a problem child. The scars were from fights she got into, and her worried mother tried to reign her in. Her response was to strangle the woman to death, and inflict a wound on herself to make it look like it was in self-defense. It would still have been bad with the truth out there, because no matter what—even if it was in self-defense, she was a murderer. When people see something in the news, they believe it. Because it’s the news, the media. And even if the truth was out there, people would focus on one thing—she was a murderer. She’d taken another person’s life.

Of course, she couldn’t focus on this issue. When she admitted to herself just what exactly she had done, she’d completely broken down. Josh had comforted her during that time, but she spent the rest of the week holed up her apartment and folding paper cranes, or otherwise doing nothing. That was when Josh had showed up with Pablo and made her feel so much better. Better enough that she managed to lock it all away again. She didn’t want that to happen another time, she didn’t want to face her sins and her regrets and the life she desperately tried to expunge from her memory. Nell didn’t want introspection. It was why she glared and snapped at her father when he suggested therapy—she was afraid. She was terrified to admit to herself just how bad it was, because then she’d really come crashing down. But Nell knew, once winter came, she’d have to face these things. She couldn’t stall on the court date forever, and she was lucky her father was lenient enough to let her have this. After all, he was the one who contacted her grandfather to arrange that.

Her lips formed into a more genuine and less-strained smile when he agreed, and grabbed her satchel before heading out of the apartment. They had to take the shaky elevator down to get out of the apartment building, and then they were out on the chilly downtown streets. She walked close to Ethan, her hands stuffed into the sweatshirt she wore. Looking around, she wondered when a good time to start speaking would be, and what she should say, and how she should say it. The fresh air and open space was doing wonders for her, but she was still panicking over the fact that the guy walking next to her most likely believed her to be a cold-blooded murderer. Add to that the fact she knew he was a gossip, and it was a sick feeling. She wanted to trust him, she really did, but the environment she’d grown up in taught her a lot about not trusting. Her mother had been about as paranoid as they come, and add to that the abandonment issues…well, she let her faith in humanity guide her trust.

She looked up at Ethan as they walked toward the hiking trails, more out of the corner of her eye than anything. ”The reason I asked if you trust me is because…well, my story is different from the one you’ve heard.” Of course, she wasn’t going to tell the full story. The only person who came close to knowing all of it was Josh. And even still, there was a big chuck of her past that she couldn’t speak aloud—she couldn’t tell anyone exactly what her mother had done to her. She had scars to show for it, but the scars in her mind were worse. ”It was a mistake,” Nell said simply, quietly. She now steered her gaze toward her scuffed up shoes, the dirt on the laces. ”I didn’t mean to hurt her, but…it was self-defense.” Nell really didn’t want to talk about it anymore than that. She didn’t want to say how her mother attempted to kill her with a kitchen knife, or how exactly she’d defended herself.

Nell sighed, raking her fingers through her hair, continuing to fuss with the strands as she said, ”My family just made up all these lies because…well, it’s complicated.” There was her fall-back response, and she almost winced when she said it. ”Just know that they don’t like me too much.” Nell was still being as vague as she could be, all the while hoping that Ethan truly did trust her. There were many things she didn’t want to say, for the sake of self-preservation and the fact that she didn’t want to admit things out loud herself. ”They have a lot of power in New York. My grandfather is the DA, actually.” Nell stopped when they arrived at the ragged pass, after quite a bit of walking. But she didn’t feel tired. No, she felt strung up and on edge, afraid of how Ethan was going to respond to this. She was still shaking, and not even from the chill. Would he believe her? Should she say more? But I don’t want to. It took a great amount of trust for her to admit something so big to anyone—she was more guarded than she seemed. So she asked: "Do you believe me?"

Nell felt very small in her hoodie, in her body. She felt tiny, like an ant under a magnifying glass. And that’s how she felt when it came to the entire world. They were judging her. They were looking at her and what they saw was just a word, not a human being. Those who knew did not think of “Nell, an eighteen-year-old girl who just wants freedom, a girl with layers just like anyone else” they think “murderer”. Plain and simple. And no one wanted to go beyond that, they didn’t want the details to confuse them and make them wonder. The girl didn’t even want to go into the details, the complicated relationship that she had with her mother. She couldn’t explain to anyone all the qualities and quirks of her relationship with her mother, and she didn’t even want to think about it. If someone asked “How did you feel about your mother?”, she wouldn’t know how to answer. And she’d be afraid to look back and think of how she felt—the fear, the love, the confusion, the desperation. She couldn’t even say how her mother felt about her, because it was hate and possessiveness and objectification.

She looked over at Ethan for a moment before shaking her head. ”As I said, my family is lying to make it sound like it was first-degree.” Her bangs fell into her eyes, casting a shadow over them as she tried to dispell thoughts of the trial. Jane had mockingly offered up a plea bargain, but Nell wasn’t having that. She wanted freedom, something she knew that she may never have again. So all she could do for now was soak in whatever freedom she had left in these days, experience things before she had to go back to New York and face the music. ”It would have just been acquitted had it not been for their interference.” It may have sounded odd that her own family was the one to set up the world against her, but she didn’t want to go into detail about that. But there was one simple way to state it—she was being punished for something her parents did years ago that their family didn’t approve of. Yes, she had done something very wrong in killing her mother, even though it was an accident. But she didn’t deserve this, and even though she blamed herself for a lot of things, she refused to let herself become the cold-blooded killer they described her as.

Nell cast her friend a bright smile when he apologized. ”It’s not your fault,” she said, swallowing down the lump in her throat. ”But thank you.” This was very difficult for her, and surely Ethan realized this. She was a matricide, and what they were talking about now as they walked the trails was something considered taboo, something unimaginable and dark. She’d murdered the woman who’d given her life, it was a strange sort of paradox. And she wished that Ethan didn’t have to be aware of it, wished that she could still be the innocent, friendly girl he used to know. She wanted to shield him from her life, from who she was, but he’d gotten into something difficult, being friends with her and finding out about her past. Well, the public part of it.

She stopped and turned to look up at him when he said that he believed her. She looked at him for a long moment before saying, ”That means a lot to me. More than you know.” She had people on her side now, more people than she used to. She had Josh and her father, but it was scary having the rest of the world, the government, lined up against you. No one wanted to believe. And so that spurred her to ask, ”Why…do you believe me?” Nell shook her head, realizing that may have come out strange. ”I mean…I…did something unforgiveable.” She looked down after saying that, closing her eyes to gather herself. She had once come right out and said that she killed her mother, and that brought about a breakdown. It was hard to even say the words, let alone acknowledge them for all they meant. She patted his arm, sleeves pulled up over her cold fingers, and let out a barely audible laugh. ”The fact that you believe me and, well…it seems like you’re not running away from me is enough. It’s more than I can ask for.” Asking anything else would feel like too much, like taking advantage of the fact that he wasn’t afraid of her.

Then she thought for a moment, and bit her lip. ”Actually, um…it would be nice if you…didn’t tell anyone.” True enough was the fact that he found out easily enough, but she didn’t want more people than necessary knowing. A lot of people weren’t like Ethan. A lot of people wouldn’t come to her and ask her what’s what. They would immediately assume that what they read and heard was the truth and ostrasize her, shun her. And she didn’t want anymore of her friends to find out, either. Nell was a coward, she really was, but she didn’t want her friends to know that they had met a murderer and gotten along with them. For others’ sakes, she didn’t want them to know that they could so easily befriend a killer. That was a terrifying thought. And even though she wasn’t a homicidal maniac, it would still be difficult to come to terms with.

Nell smiled warmly at Ethan. She just wanted to hug him and give him candy and dote on him. It was nice, this optimism. Like he still believed in her, like she was a good person. ”There’s no one on my side back in New York,” she said, somewhat forlorn. There was no reason for the judge to believe anything other than what her family said about her, because there wasn’t another side of the story. There was no one to defend her. She remembered Jane’s words. No one would have cared if she had died because no one even knew her. Mia hid her daughter from the world, and in the end, it worked out perfectly for her family. ”My father got me a pretty good lawyer,” she said, and she wasn’t going to go into too much detail. It was hard enough, telling him about this is in the first place. But she trusted him enough and she didn’t want to lose this friendship. If he had walked away after hearing the truth, she didn’t know what she would have done. She would move on, yes, but it would hurt knowing that she lost a friend because of her regrets. ”Hopefully that will work out for the best.” It took her father long enough, but he said that this lawyer was top notch. Will that even matter? She didn’t want to think about possible outcomes of the trial, but it was hard when she was actively talking about It with Ethan.

By nature, Nell was a trusting person. It was the kind of trust that let her see the good in all people, that gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. However, it was not the sort of trust that allowed people to peak inside a life that she’d rather keep to herself. In a way, she could relate to Ethan. Her naivete played a part in her trusting nature, even though she was one to keep her personal life just that—personal. Ethan has gotten a little peak into her world, and now knew how bad it could be. A trial was waiting for her in the winter, like a ominous form beyond a snowstorm. It was her fate—she couldn’t trust many people with that, and so far it was only Josh that she had told. Now Ethan knew, and he was with her, telling her that the fact she told him was a good enough reason to trust her. But was it? Either way, it made her feel a mixture of emotions, ranging from gratitude to confusion. She gave a light laugh, and looked down as she scuffed her shoe against the ground. Nell didn’t know what to say to that, because she knew speaking wouldn’t be able to do him justice, and repeating her thanks would be insincere. But she responded to his next comment, ”I’ve been doing pretty good, so don’t worry your pretty head too much,” she said lightly, even though the truth was she did feel quite stressed out lately. She just didn’t let it show. "Having you around is good enough for me." Nell never asked for much from people, anyway.

Nell laughed again when Ethan zipped his lips, feeling a bit better about the situation. But talk of the trial always made her feel like she was sick. Even though she wouldn’t really know how that felt—she had never gotten honestly sick before. ”Well, I trust you,” she said. ”Wouldn’t have told you otherwise, so…I’m glad that you’re on my side.” That’s all she really wanted, after all. She wanted people to be on her side, for people not to hate her. However, it wasn’t for her benefit—she wanted others to have someone they could rely on. She wanted her friends to feel like they could trust her and that she would never hurt them. Because she wouldn’t. She loved the people she chose to surround herself with, and she’d hate to have them feel like she’d ever hurt them. She may have been a murderer, but she would never lift a hand against anyone. Especially not in self-defense. ”Okay, let’s nix the depressing talk,” she said breezily, because now that she knew that she had him to trust, she wanted to avoid anything about the trial. She wanted to enjoy what time she had left before she was to leave for New York. Did Ethan realize that? Nell may just leave forever, and his trust would be for naught. Would he miss her? How many people would miss her? I don’t want to fade. The thought made her stomach ache, even though she knew she had friends. She had people she loved, people who she hoped would take notice of her absence from their life. ”What do you wanna do? Hiking or…whatever. Let’s just have fun.” That’s really what she needed, just some time to have fun.

By now, Nell understood how crappy the legal system really was. People in power, with the money and affluence to be on top of it all, got what they wanted. And little girls like her, basically orphaned by the world, were left at its mercy. But she didn’t like to think so pessimistically most of the time, even though she knew how bad she had it. She preferred just to…ignore it. Make it go away. Her smile was forlorn when Ethan seemed to grasp at straws, being the optimist in the situation. But her heart almost stopped when he called her a good person. It astounded her. How can I be a good person? Good people don’t kill their mothers, that’s what she understood. And she’d grown up listening to her mother tell her just how terrible of a daughter she was. For a moment, she honestly didn’t know what to say. Nell didn’t understand how she could be viewed in a good light when she viewed herself as something…less-than-good.

When she finally found her voice, it was soft and thankful. ”I have to say, I wish it was you as the judge. At least you understand.” Her smile was still warm as she spoke, as if to reassure him. She wanted to placate Ethan and tell him that everything was going to be all right. But the girl understood he wasn’t that naïve. The world wasn’t sunshine and rainbows, it was unfair. Though Nell didn’t like to think of it that way—she knew that this world was better than anything she’d ever had before. It hurt to know that she may have to leave it for a jail soon. ”I won’t,” she reassured him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Hope was about all she had, but there was something else—people like Josh and Ethan who knew the truth and didn’t think any less of her for it. She had her friends, as cheesy as it was. It made everything better. And it could almost make the guillotine of the law disappear. Almost.

And another good thing about friends was that they made it all worth it. Knowing that there were people like Ethan in the world made hope easier, made her believe that the world was better than it really was. All she had to do was focus on the good people like him, and she could forget about the poisonous people in her life. Was that really all she needed to expunge the damage her mother had done? She couldn’t tell, what with her repression. But it was a pleasant thought. Of course, Nell wasn’t going to force him to stick around. If he ever felt like he couldn’t deal with a friend as a murderer, he was free to leave. ”I’m stuck with you?” she groaned playfully. ”Well I guess I’ll have to make the best of it.” She grinned at him and poked his side to show that she was messign around. Deciding to ride this new-found good feeling, she linked arms with Ethan and said, ”Yes, let’s!” She began to skip while humming the tune to “We’re Off To See the Wizard”, pulling her friend along with her. Though she sung aloud, ”We’re off to climb a mountain, and get Ethan into shape, because, because, because, because, because…he eats too much ice cream and junk.”

They were in the forests by the time she erupted into her giggles, and Nell was glad that she was able to do this—stil have fun with so much fear in the back of her mind. That’s another thing friends did for each other. ”Always want to play around with my element when out here, but I’m always afraid the government is going to swoop in an kidnap me,” she observed with a light giggle, looking around at the foliage with a nice feeling in her stomach. Since she didn’t like the conversation to stay on her for too long, she asked, ”Ever get that way?” Remembering the day at the beach she said airily, ”Oh wait, you’re Mister Ballsy, playing with your element whenever.” She actually admired a lot about Ethan, especially now that she knew she had his support. It was touching, really, to have a friend like him.