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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 23, 2011 18:47:08 GMT -5
 Nell stood in front of the counter, mixing the milk and eggs with a whisk as her father sat at the glass table with some paperwork. ”I have kitchen staff, you know,” he pointed out dryly as she poured the eggs into a frying pan. She rolled her eyes and said, ”Why is that? You know how to cook. You’re an awesome cook.” Nell hated admitting that her father had any good qualities, but it was true. All Fuentes men cook, he had told her before. He could, her grandfather could, her great grandfather cooked, and so on. And, well, Leon didn’t have a son so he taught her how to. Said man shrugged and said, ”I’m too busy.” Then, with slight amusement he asked, “Do you come here just for food?” She smiled as she replied, “Mainly, yes.” His kitchen was big and nice, better than hers anyway. She didn’t have to worry about taking the batteries out of the smoke alarm whenever she cooked, and so it was nice to cook at his place—the only downside was the fact that she had to deal with him. As she went about flipping the eggs over in the frying pan, she unconsciously began singing under her breath, focusing on making sure some of the eggs got burnt, but not too badly.
“That aria’s from Madama Butterfly,” she heard her father comment. With a grin, she said, ”Sì.” She thought herself quite clever since ‘Sì’ was ‘yes’ in both Italian—the language of the aria—and Spanish—Leon’s default language. He made a noise of what sounded like contemplation, before saying, ”Your mother sang that around that house. It was her favorite opera.” Nell felt herself tense with the mention of the woman, holding up the spatula in her hand as if frozen. She remembered her mother’s records, the operas she loved, and her soprano voice whenever she sang. That was how she learned the words to the aria, though she hadn’t even been aware she was singing it. Nell thought that they could just stop there with any conversation about the woman, but Leon decided to make another casual observation. ”You’re a lot like her.”
This time she did turn around to stare at him, but his attention seemed wrapped up in the papers in front of him. ”Why do you say?” she asked, her voice cagey. He went on, seemingly unaware of her discomfort. When he answered, she realized that she should have never asked and just had gone on like he’d never said anything. ”I don't know, you do things like Mia. The way you repeat words when you’re excited. And you told me that you freeze your jewelry, she used to do that.” By now Nell had a lump in her throat, and she was shaking her head a bit. ”No, I…” she trailed off, anxiety seeping into her bones. ”You’re turning out to be like your mother,” he said casually, as if observing the weather outside. Nell’s breaths came shallow, and she knew she shouldn’t be panicking over this. Children were a lot like their parents in some ways, she recognized that between her and her father sometimes. She had more of his verbal tics considering that he’d taught her to read and write, but this was her mother he was comparing her to. It may have been normal with any other mother, but Mia was not normal.
”I don’t do things like she does,” Nell said in a small voice. But it made sense, considering this woman was the main human contact she’d had for…her entire life. It was understandable that she’d pick up certain habits and quirks from the woman, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying. She didn’t want to be like her mother. Hearing about her past from her grandfather was bad enough in realizing she was headed down a similar path as Mia. She had stabbed her sexually abusive uncle to death, but was too young to be tried, and add to the fact that it was justfiable homicide. And then Nell came to realize that abuse was just a vicious circle. It was how her mother was raised, and now she figured it’s the only way Mia believed she knew how to raise her own child. The entire Sinclair family is screwed up thanks to that theory. What’s keeping me from becoming like her? Apparently, she was already showing signs, and Leon had stated so calmly what she feared.
Leon seemed confused by Nell’s behavior, as if he didn’t understand that his (ex)wife had been a loon. ”Sure you do,” he said, writing down something that she really didn’t care about at this point in time because now she was crawling out of her skin. Her nerves on edge, she spent the rest of her time in his kitchen trying to scrape out the eggs and jumping every time her father spoke to her. What else do I do like her? She wondered as she went about eating if her posture was the same as Mia’s. But she didn’t want to think back and remember things about her mother, to make her real and not that two-dimensional object of her past. But did she eat the same way? Did she have the same gait? Did she drive the same way? She didn’t drive, Nell tried to soothe herself, but as she went home it was all she could do not to hit the brakes and curl up into a ball.
As she went up to her apartment, though, she couldn’t stop the thoughts. Did her mother live in an apartment like her? She knew that when Mia turned eighteen she went off on her own, but where did she live? Was Nell like her? She was a bartender, her mother had been a cocktails waitress, and the similarities there made her nauseous. She tried to think of quirks that she might have had in common with the woman, but thinking about her mother made her feel even worse. It was bringing to life a past she wanted to keep buried. Walking into her apartment, she stiffened and made a soft squeaking sound when she saw her boyfriend. ”Oh, Josh, I didn’t know you were here,” she said a little breathlessly. After a moment, she jabbed her thumb in the direction of the kitchen and said, ”I’m…I’m going to take my jewelry out of the freezer.” she hurriedly made her way into the kitchen and removed the Ziploc, trying not to think of the summers when her mother would take out her necklaces and the two would use the jewelry to cool off in their un-airconditioned home. She stared at the bag for a moment, wondering what to do with it, before before opening up the tank of the toilet and dropping the bag in there. That would have to do for now.
She walked back out into the apartment and tried to play it cool, but couldn’t help bouncing on her heels. ”So, how are you Josh? How was your day?” she asked in a tone slightly louder than usual. ”You wanna do anything?” Before he could respond, she went on to say, ”I thought I’d just chill out and do nothing, actually. Don’t want to do anything. Nope, nope.” She froze after she said the last part. Repeating words when you’re excited, stop that. She wasn’t excited though, just anxious. Did Josh notice anything strange about her? Could he see that she was going to end up like her mother, just like Leon said. Probably. Mia scared Leon off, at least she understood that to be a part of the reason her left, and since she was turning out to be just like her mother… What else did she do that could scare Josh away? Weird habits that she picked up from living with her mother for so long. She felt something brush against her leg and jumped again, forgettign that had a cat. ”Hey, Pablo,” she said in her anxious tone of voice, bending down to pet him. She never had any pets, did she? This was very concerning.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 23, 2011 20:10:24 GMT -5
The first thing that Joshua noticed when he entered the crowded Tim Hortons was that his mother looked a little under the weather. The woman's normally businesslike and impeccable appearance was not quite off-kilter, it was merely less refined than usual. She was tapping a pen against the table and completely ignoring the coffee which she'd purchased for herself and her blonde hair was starting to fall out of its bun. "Hey, Mum," he greeted her nonetheless, giving her a one-armed hug when she stood. He had a tea in his other hand with a danish balanced precariously on top. Shrugging his bag from his shoulder and setting it down beside a chair he flopped down and set the drink on the table, holding the danish in his hand. "Stress at work or something?" Her lips twitched and she gave a nod that was almost non-committal. Through years of living with his mother Joshua had grown accustomed to the way she hid things when she was upset. Going quiet was one of these ways. Concerned, Josh pressed his lips together into a frown. "Really, Mum, what's up?"
"I'm fine," Patricia said, then faltered under the long look that he was giving her. "I use that one all the time, remember?" Josh's voice was firm but also slightly teasing. He did use those very same words as a personal mantra for when he was covering something up. They might have worked on someone else but he was not fooled. He prompted her no further than to take a bite of danish and watch her expectantly, assuming that she would tell him if it were anything important. Sure enough, she spoke after a few seconds awkward silence. "Your father and I have had a fight." Donovan and Patricia had plenty of fights, like your average married couple of course, but her tone clued Joshua into the fact that this was a serious issue. "How bad?" he said, feeling sorry for his mother even though he hated Don at the moment. Then, slightly indignant, "He's not cheating on you, is he? Because if he is--!"
"No, honey, please sit down." Trish folded her arms and waited until Joshua sat back in his chair--he'd risen halfway out of it as if to find his father and throttle him--and then continued. "We're just... things are tense at the moment." She would not go on even though Joshua stared at her by means of prompting. Not really knowing what to say, Joshua turned his attention to the tea and danish. Patricia took a sip of coffee that was probably cold by the expression on her face. He had finished the danish and half of his drink when she finally raised conversation again. "Did you spend money at the country club, Joshua?" She fixed him with The Look, the universal look of the mother about to reprimand their child. She either knew that he had and was expecting honesty or had merely heard a rumour and wanted him to confirm it. Either way he was in hot water, and he assumed it was the former considering the thing with Donovan. He'd seen his father there, after all. "You fought over that." It wasn't a question. She wouldn't have brought it up if it hadn't happened so suddenly.
Patricia sighed and nodded. "You've got to understand that I don't make quite as much as your father does, Joshua." Then, fixing him with an even more searching and stern look, she added, "And using my funds to get back at him is very counter-productive." Caught in his scheming, Joshua could only duck his head and look politely ashamed of himself. It was rather awkward being scolded by your mother in a coffee shop. No one else seemed to be paying attention and she was speaking too quietly for them to hear and yet Joshua felt as if she'd yelled it and all eyes were on the pair. He was also being forced to face just how cruel and unfair he'd been to his mother. "So what's this got to do with Da--Donovan?" Trish raised her eyebrows as she noted the change in address, but did not comment on it. "He found out." She did not have to elaborate further for Joshua to understand what was meant. Patricia had been Josh's means of funding ever since they'd had the argument in Nell's apartment. He knew that Trish had less than Donovan (the Dale fortune was huge, whereas Trish just had funding from her employment) and he also knew it had been cruel to use her to get back at him. "I'm sorry," he said grudgingly.
After tensely finishing their orders, mother and son parted much quicker than was usual. Patricia assured him that she was not severing his access to her funds as long as he promised to be a little more responsible in the future and then made up some excuse about having to go to a meeting. He knew she was just doing it so he didn't think their parting was his fault but that didn't make it sting any less. He felt like an asshole and also had little motivation to do anything for the day, so he merely headed back to Nell's apartment and sat down on the couch. He said hello to Pablo and scratched the kitty behind the ears before allowing his mind to wander and drumming his fingers against his thigh. He glanced toward the door when Nell came in and blinked in surprise when she started. "Am I not supposed to be here?" A more suspicious boyfriend might have gone into an internal rant about a possible cheating but Josh was just wondering what the heck was up with her today. She wasn't usually so jumpy from his experience and he didn't think she'd ever squeaked upon running into him before. Shrugging it off, he said, "Hey to you too. I got back earlier than I thought I would."
The next thing she said, however, was undoubtedly a lot more weird than the stiffening and squeaking. Jewelry? In a freezer? Is that a normal thing for girls? Joshua honestly did not know what to make of it and it was all very confusing. It must have showed on his face, for he was too baffled to really think about covering this up. "The freezer?" he repeated, just to make sure that he wasn't hearing things. Women were so strange. He used to protest this stereotype and insist that he did fine with Nell but was the strangeness something that only came out later in a relationship or something? Was he going to find that she studied taxidermy for a living and had a collection of dead birds stuffed in her closet, next? "Erm... why exactly is your jewelry in the freezer, Nell?" He figured that asking the girl outright was better than just contiuing to sit and gape at her like an idiot until she confessed. It seemed unfathomably strange to him but considering Joshua didn't own any jewelry maybe it wasn't that surprising. It might have been a normal thing for girls to do... or... or something.
Things went from bad to worse as he noticed her tone. It was not enough to make him wince but it was certainly enough to provoke the raising of an eyebrow. "Are you feeling alright, Nell?" he asked her, starting to feel genuinely concerned by this point in time. He opened his mouth to agree to the notion of doing something (and also to ask "What, exactly?") then closed it again with a rather baffled expression as she ploughed on. He was used to his girlfriend being a bit on the strange side. It made dating her kind of fun, actually, like an adventurous experience. This was not normal odd-Nell behaviour, though. It was either concerning or sweet that he'd gotten to know her so well that he could sense when something was out of the ordinary. Maybe both. Maybe that was normal in a relationship and it didn't mark the fact that he was too involved in this to be considered sane (or masculine?). Shaking his head slowly as she jumped again (this time her cat being at fault), he said, "Geez, Nell, what's wrong with you today? You're acting kinda crazy." He smiled and gave a nervous sort of laugh. It was meant to indicate that he was joking but as he was legitimately worried about her he couldn't quite match the ideal tone of humour.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 23, 2011 20:50:25 GMT -5
Nell tried to calm down when Josh seemed confused by her antsiness, and she shook her head emphatically. ”No, no, it’s just...you surprised me, is all.” Any other day and she would have acted like a calm, rational being at her boyfriend’s presence in her boyfriend, but not today. Not when she was just accused of being like her mother. Accused would usually be too strong a word, but it felt that way to Nell, like her father was damning her to a life of psychotic depression. ”Hi,” she said, trying to force herself to keep calm. But the accusation had set her on edge, making her keenly aware of every move she made and every word she spoke. Did she really talk like her? No, she talked more like her father. I talk like myself, she thought firmly. In an effort to keep Josh from noticing the very apparent panic, she said conversationally, ”Oh, where were you?” She coughed a bit at the end of the sentence in an effort to calm her also-panicked voice.
However, Josh did not help in her efforts when Josh expressed his puzzlement over her putting jewelry in the freezer. Eyes wide, she said, ”Y-yeah.” Was it really that strange? A lot of the things that her parents did, she just took as something normal. She grew up with her mother, and even though she was…less-than-sane, Nell just considered a lot of the things she did to be normal for others, too. How was she supposed to know better? Now both her father and Josh were proving her wrong. ”There’s a very good, logical explanation for it. I mean, a lot of people do it, not just me.” And not just my mother. Her words practically jumbling together, Nell hastily explained, ”I put it in a freezer to hide, just in case someone breaks in and robs the apartment. They won’t think to go into the freezer. See? It’s…it’s logical.” She said the last part somewhat defensively, because she was also trying to convince herself that it wasn’t something so completely strange and out-there that only her mother had done it. It had come from growing up in a low-class neighborhood where break-ins were of the norm. That meant it was all right? Well, it doesn’t even matter anymore, because now it’s in the toilet. She just hoped her mother didn’t ever do that, either.
She snorted as if unable to understand why Josh would be concerned, blowing off her behavior. ”I’m all right. Better than all right. I’m perfect.” Again, she had to examine her words after speaking them. Did she actually sound like her mother? Was she slowly transforming into a clone of the woman? Her stomach clenched and she felt the nausea again, the same feeling when her father was telling her so nonchalantly that she reminded him of the woman that made her life hell. Nell tensed not only because of Josh’s words, but because of the nervous tone he was using. ”There’s nothing wrong,” she said, shaking her head fervently back and forth as if that could back up her claim even better. ”I’m not acting crazy. Am I? I mean, I told you, lots of people put jewelry in their freezers. You know, if you live in poor areas and….yeah…” She swallowed, realizing how defensive she was getting over a joke. But his laughter when he said it worried her the most, like he was trying to gauge the situation and measure his words. Like how she used to speak to her mother, worrying that the wrong phrase may end up with her nursing a bruise or worse. ”I’m not acting crazy,” Nell said weakly, eyebrows drawn together and lips in a pout. I’m not crazy.
Swallowing again, she thought of calm, soothing thoughts, like tulips and shepherd’s pie before speaking again. ”You know what, maybe a little later, we could do something.” Staying in her apartment and sitting on her hands might not be a good idea, after all. Sure, it would keep herself from exhibiting any other behavior reminescent of her mother, but it would also mean having to stare at the walls of her tiny apartment, and her claustrophobia didn’t like the sound of that. So it it might be for the best that she go out and not focus on every movement she made and every word she spoke, but she couldn’t help how lucidly aware she was of everything about herself. It was making her feel self-conscious, like an insect under glass. ”Cuz, you know, I don’t want to spend the day cooped up inside or anything,” she said, slowly collecting herself so her words weren’t so flighty.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 23, 2011 21:22:59 GMT -5
Even as Nell tried to reassure him that everything was alright, Joshua was not convinced. "I'm living with you," he pointed out. What part of coming home to find him in her apartment had been strange? There was a prickling worry in his mind that she might have realised that he was going out and made plans to do something without his presence. Not necessarily that she was cheating on him, just that she was acting very odd and he didn't quite understand what was going on. Trying to throw in some sarcastic humour to make light of the situation, Josh said, "What were you expecting? An old guy in his underwear? Forgive my lack of obvious wrinkles." He knew that he might have been blowing this out of proportion internally but she really wasn't acting normal at all. Wasn't he supposed to get upset if she started baffling him like this? He raised an eyebrow at the little cough she added but did not comment on it. "With my mother," he said. "We meet when we can both find the time." There was nothing out of the ordinary about that. He'd told Nell about these meetings with Trish before. Granted they usually lasted a lot longer but hopefully she wouldn't realise anything was off.
His suspicions about his presence in her apartment diminished slightly as she went into a ramble about the jewelry in her freezer. If she was bringing a guy into her apartment surely she would be fine to talk about everything else, right? Same thing with any other odd things she might be caught doing when he was not here? He wasn't going to open the closet and find himself face to face with a screeching eagle? Joshua continued to frown as she went on a tangent about her jewelry storing habits and he raised his hands slightly in a request that she calm down, slow down. "Alright, alright," he said. He still didn't really understand but he didn't want Nell fainting from her hastiness to explain and justify herself. He blinked as she mentioned the possibility of break-ins. Oh jeez. "Nell," he said seriously, "has someone broke in recently? Is that why you're so jumpy?" His demeanour was stiff as he considered this, almost angry. Not at Nell but at the gall of any asshole that thought they could break into his girlfriends apartment. He wouldn't be having that, hell no. Next person to break in would be leaving with broken bones. Or just a bloody nose at least.
Joshua fixed her with a serious and stern look. "You are not perfect." He didn't quite mean that in the literal sense and hoped that Nell wouldn't take it that way. No one was perfect, everyone had their flaws. Joshua was merely referring to her behaviour at the current moment and the fact that she was not acting normal. He didn't like this strange attitude, it was worrying him. He might have seemed upset and agitated but he was more confused than angry to be honest. He hated when things got out of hand and he didn't know how to fix them. Josh almost wanted to ask her what the hell was going on but worried that this might frighten her off in her current state. He didn't think his girlfriend was actually going crazy but she was certainly awful jumpy and he didn't want to do anything too rash. "As far as I know, my mother keeps her jewelry in a locked safe in our basement," he said levelly. "Nell... you must remember, our upbringings were very different." He supposed what she said did make sense from the perspective of someone that had grown up in a bad neighbourhood. He hadn't, though, and so he hoped Nell didn't think he was doubting her. This wasn't all about the frozen jewelry, anyway. This was about her behaviour in general.
His own brows pulled together at her protest. The pouting was rather adorable but the rest of her demeanour was staring to scare him. Why was she suddenly so sensitive? "Hey," he said softly, knowing a rush of guilt. Had she taken his words the wrong way? Joshua could often be insensitive and he knew this. Usually he was a lot better with this around Nell but it seemed that even he had to make mistakes on occasion. "Hey, Nell, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." His gray eyes were filled with a mixture of emotions and thus rather difficult to read. He was still trying to get a firm grasp on his thoughts when she changed her mind about leaving the house and brought up the subject again. Once again he was fixing to agree--hanging out with Nell always made his day better--when he suddenly remembered that he had things he had to do later in the day. "I can't," he said hastily. "Sorry Nell, uh, stuff to do." It might have sounded shifty the way he'd said it but he had only not clarified because 'stuff' involved righting some of the wrongs with his mother and he didn't want to get into all that with her right now.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 24, 2011 19:01:23 GMT -5
Nell’s expression was withdrawn as her lips pulled into a frown. ”I know that,” she murmured. Now she felt like she was constantly on the defensive. ’I was just…I’m sorry.” She didn’t really know what she was apologizing for. The fact that she was so on edge? That she couldn’t explain why he’d made her jump and squeak? Nell tried at a smile when he joked, but steered her eyes down to the keys she still held in her hands. If she was in a more suitable mood, she’d have joked back “You’re forgive.” Instead, she told Josh, ”I was…I was just thinking.” Thinking was a dangerous thing clearly. She bit her lip and looked up at Josh. Did Mia bite her lip a lot? Did she tend to play with her hair like Nell was starting to do now? We have the same hair. She looked a lot like her mother, which did not help. ”How is she?” Nell asked, not only because she was trying to gain control of the roiling sickness in her stomach, but because she actually wanted to know. ”Your mother, I mean.” She swallowed, hoping she didn’t sound too awkward.
She drew back when Josh lifted up his hands after her spiel. It isn’t strange, she kept repeating in her head. Putting jewelry in the freezer may have been something that reminded Leon of his late wife, but she wasn’t the only one, right? Other people sang Madama Butterfly absentmindedly, and repeated their words in a verbal tic and froze their jewelry. But that didn’t matter, she knew. What mattered was that Mia had done it. That made all the difference. When he asked if someone had broken in recently, she opened her mouth, about to flat out lie to him. “Yeah, it was scary, got new locks and everything. Here’s the key!” But she lied enough in her life as it is, and she hated lying to Josh. ”No,” she said quietly. ”That’s not why I’m jumpy. But it’s scary to consider. Since it is the way I grew up.” She was trying to justify herself, when in actuality, break-ins weren’t what she was the most terrified of growing up. And now it was coming back to haunt her.
Nell felt very small under his gaze, like he was looking for signs of insanity in her behavior, measuring every inch of her. She was paranoid, too. The girl shifted uncomfortably. ”I am,” she said stubbornly. She was perfect, she was fine, she was peachy freaking keen, and she certainly wasn’t becoming like her mother. Theren’t nothing wrong with me, she tried to convince herself. But she knew there was a lot wrong, just as Josh probably thought right now. Nell knew that he grew up much differently than her, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that the things she did were not crazy, dammit. ”I’m just saying…so you know.” She shifted again, her voice anxious. I am, I’m going to be just like her. I’m just going to fall apart one day. What did they call it? A psychotic break? When had her mother’s been? Was it before she had even been born, was it when she had been born, was it after Tilly died? When was Nell going to become that way? There were too many questions rising up and choking her, even though she certainly couldn’t ask her boyfriend these things.
Did Mia ever treat Leon this way? Make him nervous? Was Josh nervous? She’d heard Mia threaten her father, heard her use Nell as a tool for that. Mia had been a scary woman. And Nell was just like her, scaring Josh, wasn’t she? He took on a soft tone like he was speaking to a wounded animal, and she wished he wouldn’t talk to her like that. She wasn’t a wounded animal, she wasn’t like Mia. Instead of saying that it was all right, Nell looked down at the floor when she asked, ”Do I…do I really do crazy things?” She shouldn’t have asked, she realized immediately after. She didn’t want to know the answer. Looking into his gray eyes, she said, ”Josh…do I scare you?” No, she didn’t want to know the answer to that, either. Because she was very sure of it. And her suspicions were confirmed when Josh quickly said that he had ‘stuff’ to do. ”Stuff, right,” she said, as if he’d mentioned this to her before and she’d just forgotten. He was leaving. She’d scared him and he was leaving. Just like her mother. She looked down at the floor again and said, ”Well, I guess I…I’ll hang out here.” If she didn’t do anything and shut herself up in her apartment, wouldn’t that be just like Mia? That woman hadbecome so paranoid that she couldn’t stand to go outside. Nell quite literally had no idea what to do, and it was all she could do to force herself to stop shaking.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 24, 2011 19:59:02 GMT -5
Joshua blinked at her as she apologised. He was starting to panic now, though on the surface he merely seemed vaguely concerned. What had happened that was freaking her out so much? He had dismissed the idea of another guy pretty quickly. He figured that if there had been she would have recovered quickly and tried to come up with a ploy to get him out of the house or else excuse herself so she could ward the dude away from her apartment or something. So if she wasn't up to something shifty, what was she doing? "Thinking," repeated Joshua, not sounding entirely convinced. "Oh." It did nothing to dismiss his concerns. She would tell him if there was anything seriously wrong, right? He knew that Nell liked to shoulder things on her own and that she might withhold something silly from him but he sincerely hoped that she'd talk to him if there was something detrimental. He loved his girlfriend and he hated to see her upset or suffering, even if he had absolutely no idea why she was upset. "Oh, my mother's alright," he said. He didn't want to go into details at the moment, especially not when Nell was acting so strange. "She had to duck out early for a meeting. She said to tell you hello."
Apparently break-ins were not what had concerned her and this only made it worse for Josh. He'd seized the idea of someone robbing the apartment as a perfectly legitimate reason for someone to be concerned and had almost gotten excited by the prospect of a normal excuse. Now they were back to square one. He still felt that outright asking her might be a bad idea. "It was a concern for me, too, growing up," he mused. He didn't know why he was making conversation--probably to dance around the obvious issue of her confusing behaviour. "Living in such a big house it'd be any thief's dream if they could get inside. Mansion security's pretty tight, though." He did remember one time when someone had gotten past the defences. Annabel had still been too young to really understand and Joshua had been around the age that she was now. His parents had told him to take her up to the attic and keep her quiet whilst they sorted things out. Donovan had called the cops and two of the responsible were apprehended. The other got away but apparently changed his mind about returning seeing as they hadn't had any problems like that again.
He was taken aback by the question. "No?" It was said as a question because he still didn't understand why she'd had to ask him in the first place. It seemed like she was legitimately worried about this however and so Josh decided to give her a more straightforward answer. "I mean, I thought freezing the jewelry was a little weird but you've got to remember I've never owned anything other than a watch." He held up his wrist where the gold timepiece was resting. It was a pretty expensive watch but he'd never had to hide it because it was usually on his person. He didn't swim and so the only time he really had to take it off was before he took a shower. "Why would you ask me that?" He decided that being frank with her and asking the more direct questions might score him a better answer. All he'd landed himself so far were more questions than answers. Then Nell asked if he scared her and for a moment Joshua could only blink at his girlfriend in confusion. "Erm, no offence, Nell," he said bracingly, "but you're not that intimidating to a guy like me." He was taller, stronger, more willing to cause harm (though not to Nell) and on top of that his element had a natural strength over hers.
Joshua felt a little bad for backing out of the idea so quickly. He really did have plans but if Nell was feeling lonely today and wanted some company they were definitely plans that could be arranged. Hell, he was putting his life on hold during the trial so that he could be there with her through it all. A couple of plans were nothing. "Are you sure?" he asked her, making sure she knew that things were not set in stone. "I was just meeting a couple friends but I could definitely call them up and cancel." Thinking about that for a moment, he said, "In fact..." Joshua pulled out his cellphone and sent a few quick texts to the friends he was meant to be meeting. Joshua didn't hang out with friends on a regular basis but he hadn't cancelled indefinitely, just put it off to a later date. One of them texted back right away with a simple 'k' and he assumed the other would answer later. Stuffing his phone back into the pocket of his jeans he gestured to her couch as if requesting that she sit with him. "What's really going on, Nell? I'm sorry for calling you crazy--I didn't mean it like that--but you've been acting odd since you walked in."
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 25, 2011 14:33:14 GMT -5
Saying that she’d been thinking wasn’t necessarily a lie. She had been thinking. Too much, as a matter of fact. Her eyes moved around the room, though, as if she was trying to avoid something. When Josh spoke of his mother, she didn’t sense that anything may have been off. If she wasn’t given a reason to believe a person is covering-up, she trusted their words. Esepcially when it came to Josh. ”Well that’s good,” she said, her voice like a sigh as she tried a more honest smile. Did she smile like I do? Nell didn’t want to remember these things to find out, didn’t want to animate a corpse. She knew the guilt that would come with making her mother real again would destroy her. But she couldn’t help the memories, the fact that she could still picture Mia’s laugh, and how her face looked when she cried, and the way she’d gaze at nothing when daydreaming. Like I do. When she finally directed her gaze to Jsoh, her face was lit by what may have been hope. ”Yes,” she said shakily. ”It was a form of security.” She was still on the frozen bag of jewelry, praying that the tenuous connection of having to deal with the possibility of robbery would create understanding. Of course, some of the security meausres put in place weren’t so people wouldn’t be able to get in—it was so no one could get out. The locks around the house served well to protect the only things that were valuable, her mother’s records and that bag of jewelry.
Josh seeemed to answer with trepidation, and Nell—once again—misinterpreted his behavior. Her stomach twisted up in knots. Was he lying? His response had been uncertain, so she could guess as much. He gave a good explanation for his uncertainty when he pointed out that the gold watch was the only jewelry he owned. He’s not a very food gauge to use when it comes to jewelry. ”Not just about the jewelry,” she said tentatively, her voice like walking across a minefield. He wouldn’t know about that, but he would know about her jewelry. Did she come off as neurotic a lot? The next question made her tense up again. ”No reason,” she said in her excited, defensive tone. She didn’t want to tell him what was going through her mind lest he finally came right out and agreed that she was a hot mess and left. Nell couldn’t even let herself be reassured by the fact he said he wasn’t intimidated by her. She could guess at what he meant. Nell was comparable to a chipmunk, definitely not a terrifying animal. But he didn’t really mean physical strength. It doesn’t matter how strong you are dealing with a wakjob. My mother was no a wackjob. Putting pretty labels like ‘insanity’ on Mia’s problems was simplifying it. As a matter of fact, it was ignorant and belittling. But apparently, Nell was already displaying Mia-like behavior. ”Really?” she asked uncertainly. Nell thought she was scary sometimes—she was a murderer, after all.
Her eyebrows came together as she said, ”I can find something to do, I’m all right.” But it seemed that her earlier conclusion of him trying to get away from her weren’t true, because he took out his phone to text his friends. Maybe that just means he was lucky. Why was her changing his plans then? He actually wanted to be around her? She was confusing herself by running her mind around in circles, and again her thoughts went to Mia, and she wished she could just stop thinking alltogether. She looked over at the couch for a long moment as if wondering how in the world it had gotten there. She didn’t even realize how odd she was acting, since she wasn’t doing it on purpose. She shifted from one foot as if about to move, and then hesitated before going over and pulling her legs underneath her as she sat. Her mother never sat like that, which was why she did it. How could she explain why she was on edge? It would mean talking about herself, about her mother. She was never comfortable with that.
”You know there are theories that mental health problems can be genetic?” she stated as an introduction, biting down on her thumb nail, a habit that only arose when she was truly nervous. The entire Sinclair family is messed up. But it went deeper than that for her, she was thinking more about one woman. Nell was still looking off at nothing when she continued. ”I’m like…” she started, then chickened out when she was about to speak the word. Then she quickly said, ”I’m like my mother.” She stiffened as she said it, going over her father’s words in her head. Your mother sang that around that house. It was her favorite opera. Maybe she should have realized it sooner, but she tried her best not to think about her mother. Maybe that meant Leon thought about her a lot. It took a few moments before she could say, ”I was with my father today and he was telling me how I was singing like her, and talking like she did, and he mentioned putting my jewelry in the freezer. I didn’t even realize I’d gotten these things from her…” She stopped, and continued biting on the nail. Quietly she went on, ”I don’t want to be like her.” It was spoken like an impudent child, trying to argue against the forces of the universe. ”She scared my father away and…I don’t want to scare you.”
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 25, 2011 16:32:55 GMT -5
Nell sounded rather nervous. He really wished that he could put a finger on why she suddenly wanted to know whether she did crazy things or not--she'd never bombarded him with anything like this before and it seemed like something that probably should have been taken up in their first few weeks of a relationship. Then again, he hadn't really sat down and asked her if she had any problems with his behaviour, either. Oh well. "Really," he confirmed. "Pablo is more frightening than you are." His gray eyes lightened slightly with the attempt at humour, hoping to get his girlfriend to relax a little. Even though she was starting to frustrate him with all of this confusion he still wanted to cheer her up. It was never a good thing when Nell was feeling down. She cheered him up with her constantly upbeat personality and though it was selfish he relied on that in her presence. Bet I'm great to be around, he thought sarcastically. If I give people anything it's anger. He wondered for a moment if she ever resented his sour demeanour but concluded that she'd never really told him off for it before. Besides, he was always less snippy around Nell. Her friends might have told her what a dick he could be at times but she didn't seem to listen to them much when it came to her relationship with Joshua. That, at least, he was grateful for.
"No," Joshua said firmly when Nell tried to back out again. He knew that she was probably trying to avoid pushing him to hang around her but he was not going anywhere and leaving her in this state. He could be stubborn when he wanted. "You are not fine." He shook his head as if to emphasize this. Joshua might not have thought his girlfriend as crazy but he definitely did not think she was behaving in a completely rational manner right now. He'd decided--he was getting to the bottom of this. "There is something going on and I am not leaving until you tell me what it is." He would stick by these words, too. He was going to plant his ass down on this couch and he was going to sit here until she told him why she was so jumpy and sensitive and... just plain weird, really. He hoped he wasn't being too overbearing about it but the stress of the situation had driven him to frustration. Anger and irritation seemed to be his natural reactions to almost everything. As per usual it was not Nell that made him angry but rather the things that were going on as a whole. "Sit down," he requested, then so that it didn't sound so arrogant, "Please?"
The way she started her sentence set off immediate alarm bells. It was no longer confusing but it was still concerned. Hell, he was probably more worried now than he'd been before. Joshua swallowed and nodded but stayed silent so that Nell could continue. Mental illnesses. Genetics. He didn't think that Nell was crazy but maybe she'd just hid it well? He knew that some people took medications to control things like paranoia and schizophrenia. She'd never taken any pills around him. Stop over-analysing and let the girl finish, he scolded himself. He blinked at her as she continued. "Like... your mother?" It was evident by his tone and the way that his brows pulled together that he wanted some clarification about this. Seeing as they were talking about mental illness he assumed that it was relevant and maybe her dear old Mum had been a schizo or something like that but he didn't want to jump the gun. He listened patiently and quietly as Nell explained, causing more questions than answers as usual. When she finished, there was a long pause before he spoke.
"Now, I'm not scared," he said slowly, holding up his hands in a bracing manner so that she didn't panic and think he was going to up and leave her just because she'd mentioned something that was on her mind. However, Joshua also felt that this was something that needed to be discussed. He had taken her word about the murder. Her mother (who was apparently crazy) had tried to kill her and had lost her life thanks to Nell's self defence. He didn't doubt that even now and so it had been easy to shrug it off and believe her to be a perfectly normal person. This, however, was obviously something that really worried her. "But... you know, if there is anything..." He didn't want to say 'wrong with you' because those were cruel words. Blinking, he closed his mouth and thought about it for another long moment before starting again, "In what way... do you think that you're like her, Nell?" If it was anything really bad like voices in her head or homicidal tendencies then he really didn't know what he was going to do. He could stay with her through the trial and all the things that came with it but if she was nuts? He didn't know if he could handle this.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 25, 2011 17:11:58 GMT -5
Okay, the comparison to Pablo was reassuring. He was not terrifying at all, so she was less scary? But what will I become? How strong was the possibility that she’d just…slip away like her mother had? When would her psychotic break be? This is why she tried not to focus on this. Because she believed she could be better. She got away from the poisonous person in her life. But with it, she gained a few more in her family. She was afraid to admit this to Josh, to admit there was something wrong in general. Especially when he sternly told her that she was not fine, and that he wasn’t leaving until he found out what was up. Nell wanted to run. It was the easiest thing to do, she decided. Nell knew, though, running was not an option anymore—her problems would just catch up to her. If I don’t go, he will. She felt certain about it, actually. She was sure that once Josh realized how bad a person she was, he would leave. It’s what happened with her parents, right? There had been other things that drove Leon away, of course. These reasons made Nell sympathize with the man on a level, but not on a high enough level that she could truly forgive him for what he did. ”I’m fine,” she said weakly, even though it was a lost cause to deny it now. She was far from fine, actually, but she didn’t know how to say that. She didn’t know what to do with all this not-fineness. And Josh was scaring her a bit by seeming so agitated.
But still she sat and spoke aloud what exactly had been bothering her. She grew silent for a long while after speaking, however, very nearly closing herself off so she wouldn’t have to talk about her mother. Yes, she was like her mother, and she didn’t want to elaborate too much on that. ”In ways,” she finally said, and her voice was bordering on a whisper. It always felt like she was going to cry whenever she talked or thought about the woman, and now was not different from any other time, especially not with her panic on top of that. But she didn’t cry. She merely grasped at what to do or so, all the while wondering if this was ever how Mia felt. Don’t try to get inside her head. Wouldn’t that just make it worse, trying to figure out how her mother operated? If she tried to learn how Mia thought, wouldn’t that make her like the woman? ”My father said so.” And again, it was like a child on the playground condescendingly telling his friends that something is this way or that, because his parents told him so. She shouldn’t listen to her father, but he had a point. There were too many similarities between her mother and herself. That doesn’t mean you’ll break. That’s the only way to describe what happened to the woman. She simply fell apart, like an old toy that became to damaged to play with anymore.
She stayed silent as he said that he wasn’t scared, noticing that with time he seemed to be taking on his own silent vow. Her stomach clenched. Liar. He was afraid, wasn’t he? Even after he started hesitantly again, she kept quiet, her lips practically glued shut. She didn’t want to talk about her mother. She was scary, everything was scary. Admitting the possibility she may just become like Mia was terrifying. Finally, she opened her mouth to ask, ”Anything what?” She blinked a few times before she realized what he was implying by those words, and there was the nausea in her stomach again. ”There’s nothing wrong with me,” she said in a sinkingly desperate tone, the defensiveness still there. ”Mentally. I’m fine. I haven’t gotten to that point…” The point she had. But was she really? She didn’t spend a lot of time mulling over her mental state. So if there was anything wrong with her, she really wouldn’t know.
He asked her how she was like her mother, and she squeezed her eyes closed for a few seconds, not only because of the fact that this conversation was about her mother, but because she felt a sort of wariness coming from Josh. ”Habits and quirks,” her voice was bordering on desperate, so she forced herself to swallow and calm down. ”I didn’t even realize that I’d picked them up. I mean, Madama Butterfly was her favorite opera, but I didn’t notice I was singing an aria until Papa told me.” She felt her chest constrict, the feeling just before she had to take shallow breaths to keep herself going. ”And if I act like her…what’s stopping me from…breaking like she did?” She bit her lip. She didn’t want to be burdening Josh with this, she wanted to curl up and go somewhere far away and just sleep. Or something otherwise peaceful. It was difficult to put into words just how she felt about this, how she felt about the fact that she was similar to her mother in so many ways. ”She was hurt her entire life. She hurt me too. It’s just a circle.” She avoided words like ‘crazy’ because those were mean words to label her mother with. She was terrible, but it wasn’t her fault. It was everyone who ignored her or beat her that made her that way. Nell already had a taste of that life, of the fear and agony that came with it. And she knew she was just making this worse for Josh, having to know just what was on her mind. She knew that she was very close to just retreating inside of her shell like a hermit crab.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 25, 2011 17:46:11 GMT -5
Joshua was of course not convinced that she was fine. He used those same two words so many times when he was suffering that it would be strange if he didn't doubt them when they were spoken by other people. He didn't want to continue insisting that she was somehow unstable because of the reaction she'd had originally but he also knew that he couldn't accept the excuse for face value. Instead, Joshua just gave an absent nod and kept his mouth shut. It was obvious he was not convinced. He thought that she was being very vague and this worried him. Surely that meant that things might be worse than she was letting on? There was a lump in his throat and even though Joshua had told Nell he was not freaked out he was definitely starting to rethink that. She wasn't scary physically. He'd never seen the girl as a threat. However, the idea of some unknown psychosis lurking under the surface was not exactly comforting. He wasn't afraid in the sense that he was going to run screaming from the apartment, he was afraid of what this meant for Nell. About what it meant for both of them. How could they hold down a relationship if she wasn't entirely... well, there? I've never noticed it before, Joshua frantically tried to reassure himself. I'd have noticed before. I would. He was not so sure. Certainly not sure enough to be soothed by his thoughts.
"Yes, well your father--" He stopped himself there and shook his head. He was pretty sure that Nell could guess how he felt about Leon based on the stiff way which they'd became acquainted. He didn't trust the man. But he knew her mother, obviously, that traitorous conscience of his reminded him. Wouldn't he know better than anyone? It was not helping to think of all this. Much as Joshua hated Leon he could not deny the fact that the man probably knew Nell's mother better than most. Certainly better than Joshua, who had only a very vague picture of the woman in his head. It was based solely off what Nell had told him and was not very comforting. She had carved the words into her daughters skin, she had tried to kill her. It wasn't exactly the sort of thing you wanted to hear. If Nell was turning out to be a double of the psychopathic woman then he didn't know what to make of it. In the end he just stayed quiet. His silences were getting increasingly more lengthy and morose as the conversation dragged on because he was stunned and at a loss for words. He had not expected this. He didn't want to leave but what would happen if he had no choice?
Nell assured him that she was fine (mentally) but unfortunately for her he was now not entirely convinced. Was she lying to him? Could it be that she'd realised how seriously he was taking this and was trying to back out now to save their relationship? Oh, god, he couldn't do this. Joshua didn't think he could just smile and nod and go back to pretending that everything was fine and golden. Even as she continued he was wracked with doubt. She only mentioned habits and quirks that she shared with the woman but did it go deeper than that? His silence now was almost sombre as he considered everything that she'd told him. It hurt, actually. This must be what people felt like when they feared for their relationship. With the trial, it had been different. He was scared about losing her to the clutches of the law but if they broke up because of that it would be (hopefully) ended on as good a term as possible. If they broke up because of this... well, he was going to feel like an asshole. I don't want to lose her, he realised. It made him feel sick. He didn't want to leave but he didn't want to stay, either, not if she was going to snap one day and kill him in his sleep or something. How did you break news like that to someone? 'I'm sorry but I can't be with you because you're a crazy bitch'?
For a fleeting moment Joshua sympathized with her father of all people, but that was quickly shot down. This was different. They didn't have children. There was no one to consider in this relationship but Joshua and Nell. He didn't think he could have left a child (especially not if, hypothetically, this were his own kid) with someone who was mentally unstable. What should I do? He hadn't said a word to her yet and he knew that his hesitation was glaringly obvious. He was not going to laugh and insist that he didn't care. He was taking this seriously. "I don't know," he said at last. His voice was heavy with the weight of his thoughts. He had no idea if Nell would go insane like her mother had because he didn't know what had been affecting her mother. If he knew... would that help? He swallowed hard and looked Nell in the eye despite knowing that his desire to run might have been reflected there. "Nell... what... what was it that your mother had?" It was something that he'd never asked her before. He'd always been too afraid to broach the subject because he didn't know how it would affect his girlfriend but now he was backed into a corner and left without a choice.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 25, 2011 18:17:33 GMT -5
Nell wanted to stop talking. She wanted to end the conversation right there, and not go into any more detail about how she looked like her mother, and talked like her mother, and had a similar past as her mother. They were both abused, both had killed, and both were hurt or abandoned by the people they loved. She didn’t want to think about all that. It was easier just to avoid thinking about it, especially when in Joshua’s presence. She noticed his discomfort and his silence, and she wasn’t helping with her own muteness. You’re gonna lose it. When had Mia finally collapsed, though? Had it been after she killed her uncle? That didn’t leave a good chance for Nell? She tried to remind herself that unlike her mother, she had people who loved her. She had a good life, now. Well, as good as it could get in her situation. She had her friends, and a boyfriend, and a father who actually came back to her. Albeit, after eleven years, but he’d actually come back. No one had ever come back to Mia. Maybe the woman had just lost all hope, and that’s why she’d succumbed? Nell wouldn’t know, she tried desperately not to dissect the woman. The girl always had hope, even when her prospects were looking bleak, even when she felt so weak and tired that she wondered if she would wake up the next day.
The silence was interrupted by a clipped-off statement, and Nell didn’t want to know what he was going to say about the man. He was one of the people that contributed to Mia’s illness. He, and Jane, and Nell—they were like the unholy trinity of horrid relatives. She was feeling sick to her stomach right now, knowing that Josh was right next to her and that he was having a peak inside her brain and her life and things she just wanted to sweep under the rug. She wanted to pretend like her life wasn’t screwed up, like her mother hadn’t been…bad, and like everything was perfectly fine in her own world. That’s the image she held up anyway, so people wouldn’t have to worry. Nell wanted to be the person others could rely on, and yet she was the complete opposite to Josh, wasn’t she? She was the girl who killed her mother and was now afraid of slipping away like she had.
Of course Josh didn’t know, he didn’t know about her mother, and she’d just like to keep it that way. She didn’t want anyone to know about her mother, she didn’t want to think about her mother. That’s why she burned the pictures—horrible things from the past should not exist. Those weren’t happy memories, they were keeping alive a nightmare of a home that two little girls had to inhabit. By now, Nell was keenly aware of Josh’s uncertainly. Of his nervousness. And she knew that it was well-deserved. With her mother having been the way she was, what hope was there for her? Even if she ran away, even if she found people in her life that she loved, how did one prevent themselves from falling apart? He hand in front of her face in muffling her words, she said in monotone, ”I don’t know. But she wasn’t crazy. That’s too simple a word for what she had to go through.” She refused to let her mother’s existence be boiled down to labels. And she also refused to let herself diagnose what went on. So she shrugged, and said in the same toneless voice, ”She was undiagnosed. No one helped her.” Not even Nell. When the thought came to her, she slammed it away from her brain. It was the fact that she could have helped, and she didn’t. She could have saved both her mother and Tilly, but no—she was just a child and that was something she could understand. She pulled her legs up so that she was now in semi-ball form, because she just wanted to sleep and make it go away. Nell refused to look at Josh, because she knew what she would see there in his eyes. Fear. She knew that she would scare him, because she was scaring herself. And she didn’t say anymore about her mother. That was something truly terrifying.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 25, 2011 18:49:42 GMT -5
Throughout this all, Joshua was aware of the fact that his chest felt tight and restricted. He was not an emotional person and didn't feel like he was going to start crying over this but he was still quite shaken up by the events of the day. He'd thought it was bad when Patricia had reprimanded him. That was nothing. That could be taken care of. His parents had fought many times over the course of their marriage and he was optimistic in the thought that they would get back together again and repair any damage. This could not be repaired, it wouldn't just go away if he closed his eyes and hummed to drown out the deafening thoughts. He couldn't just shove this aside and go back to normal. He wished that he could. A part of him wanted to apologise to Nell for the treacherous feelings he was experiencing at present but even as the thought crossed his mind he knew that he would not do it. He was sorry but telling her so would only make it hurt worse. He remembered how frightened and ashamed she'd gotten when he'd used the word crazy and his stomach twisted with shame. You're not making it any better. That was just it--that was the reason he had this problem in the first place. He wasn't making it any better because he couldn't make it better. He didn't know how. He couldn't just wave his hand and obliterate all forms of mental illness that may or may not be coming back from the past to haunt Nell and he couldn't put the blinders on and act like the threat didn't exist.
Her words did not help, did not do anything to clear his mind or give him reassurance. Undiagnosed. The woman was dead now and she had died without anyone bothering to figure out what was wrong with it. It wasn't like this was some normal affliction where they could just go to the hospital and test for something in her blood to see if she had any genetic diseases that had been passed down the line. This was an affliction of the mind, invisible and possibly, as Nell had proven, deadly. He had to look away from her because he knew that he was not controlling his expression at the moment. He wanted to smile or hug her, be there for her in some way. It didn't work. He was a good actor but this was just too much for him. It was easy to put on a show for people that he didn't give a shit about. He could pretend around them all he wanted and he didn't care who it affected, who might be hurt by it. This was so, so much different. "And you think you might go through it, too." It wasn't a question that needed confirmation, he was just voicing this aloud in a desperate attempt to come to terms with it himself. His tone sounded detached and distant. Before he had sounded heavy, as if he was trying to suppress the crushing weight of reality. Now it sounded as if he was trying to block feeling out altogether. He didn't want to deal with this any more than she did but at current they didn't have a choice.
How was he going to break it to her? How did he tell her about the ultimatum that was forming in his mind? He didn't think he could stay without the proper information, but then again... could he force himself to leave, if he had to? Joshua wanted to try and work through this but he didn't know what it was they were supposed to be fighting. If there was a mental illness just waiting to spring itself upon her was there any use in trying to fend it off? He'd never done well with the thought of psychosis in any form. It scared him. Fear of the unknown, really. "I can't..." He shook his head and swallowed again, distressed. He didn't know how to put his concerns into words. Deciding to be blunt, he took a steadying breath and met her eyes. Oh god, I can't do this, I don't want to deal with this-- Meeting her gaze made it a lot more difficult to break the news but he would feel like a coward if he muttered the words to the floor. "I don't want to spend the rest of our relationship fearing something I know nothing about," he told her. "I don't think I could deal with that." He wondered whether she could see where this was going, if she could see the inevitable parting of ways that would be down the line if they couldn't find some semblance of an answer. "I don't want to leave you, Nell. I love you, but..."
But what? But I don't know if this will work out in the end. It was scary to face that, even internally. Not knowing if he could stay was worse than knowing for sure that he was leaving. He didn't know what he was going to do. "I know that it's hard for you to talk," he said after another one of his long silences. "It's why I've never asked you what... what happened." Did he want to know? Well, he couldn't deny that he sometimes wondered how it was affecting her. He worried about how she had dealt with the past or, on the flipside, how she hadn't. It had seemed a rational concern at the time. Now he was scared that the past might repeat itself. But would a repeat be dangerous for him? What had Mia's triggers been? What had set her off, what had caused her to go off the deep end? Would it be different for Nell? The future was fogging again and he hated it for that. "I don't want you to feel pressured, Nell, but... if I don't know what's going to happen..." He trailed off and his expression was sad. He didn't know how else to say it. "Do you even have... any idea?"
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 25, 2011 19:32:30 GMT -5
Nell felt like there was cotton in her throat, that she couldn’t speak through it. All she wanted to do was head over to her futon and curl under the covers and make this all go away. And now that all her fears and her past were floating on the surface of her mind, maybe it would be less likely that she’d have nightmares thanks to her repression. Her gaze trained on the wall, all she could sense from Josh was his silence. How badly had she scared him, was the question? Just how afraid of her was he? I’m afraid of me, too. She wouldn’t be if Leon hadn’t brought her fears to the surface, if he hadn’t so nonchalantly observed that she did things like her mother. If she sang like the woman and talked like her, looked like her and did all these things like her…how could she not be like her? Stop it, you have to stop. The only way to do that, though, was to close up and shove it all away. She couldn’t do that with Josh right here, stating exactly what was the problem. How many people was she going to lose before she gave up? That’s all it was—her mother had given up, and fell into her fear of the world. And as much as Nell tried to block out the psychological scarring, it was there. You couldn’t make that disappear. Did that mean she was going to go crazy?
When he started up with those two words, she felt a vice clamp around her chest, as if she knew what he was going to say. Negative words like ‘can’t’ were never good, so it didn’t take much to guess that what he was going to say next would hurt her more than anything. And it did just that, when he finally spoke them. She couldn’t answer at first, she couldn’t answer anything. Her mind wasn’t built for this, it was built for repression. She wished she could just take Josh’s words and put them in a box and shove it somewhere dark so she could make everything happy again. But this was reality, and it had a bad way of attacking her. You’re going to leave me. She didn’t say this out loud, because she was still working past the cotton lining her throat. Just like Leon left, just like Tilly, just like everyone in Mia’s life. The two did have two many similarities—hurt or abandoned, either one was what became of them. And Josh was just that—another Leon, another Tilly, another Jane. ”I understand,” she said quietly, monotone. And she did. This was her, and this was the possibility that she was going to turn out like her mother. It’s not like Josh knew everything, of course not. But he knew bits and pieces, enough to know that Nell becoming like her wasn’t a good thing. That’s all she could say, because she was a coward. ”I’m not going to make you stay.” Maybe that was one difference between her and her mother—she tried to force everyone to stay with her, and Nell always left the door open. She didn’t want Josh to leave her, hell no. The thought was just as nauseating as the fact that she could become like her mother.
She still didn’t look at him, because she didn’t want to focus on anything right now. She wanted to make it poof and vanish, and maybe she could have if this conversation wasn’t happening right now. If Josh wasn’t leaving her, just like she always knew he would. Murder was fine by him, she had stood by the door and offered him an out, but he stayed like it was completely normal. Now it was her possible future that was scaring him away. And she still couldn’t ever find it in her to blame him. Not when she predicted this, and not when she tried her hardest to keep a loose grip on him. It was hard to talk about, which is why she was in the process of shutting down. She was forcing herself to push everything to the bottom of her psyche like she usually did. ”I can’t predict the future, Josh,” she said listlessy. She shrugged then. ”What do you want me to tell you? She was paranoid and violent.” She clamped her mouth shut, and that was all she could say. Nell wasn’t going to go into detail about what her mother was like, the things she did, and the littlest things that made her cry or feel the need to hurt her daughter. She couldn’t explain Mia in a nutshell, not even if she wanted to. There was more to this than paranoia and violence, but she couldn’t explain eighteen years of horror.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 25, 2011 19:54:54 GMT -5
Paranoid and violent. Those two words were the very things that he did not want to hear. He had guessed before that Mia was a violent person of course and then he'd had it confirmed all too horrifically when he'd seen the scars etched into his girlfriends skin. He didn't want to live in fear of the thought that Nell might one day snap and start lashing out against him. He knew that he was stronger and knew that he could protect himself, but he also knew that he couldn't lift a hand against her, especially not if she attacked out of a place of mental illness. At the same time, Joshua loved this girl. He couldn't bring himself to just ditch her because she'd told him something so personal. Taking a deep breath, Josh attempted to explain his muddled thoughts. "I understand that it's hard for you to talk about this," he said. "I get it, I do. But I also want to find answers... for both of us. Just... just give me a few days to sort things out, and then I'll come back, okay?" It made him nervous to promise his return--what if it was only bad news he would be bringing back? I couldn't leave her. I couldn't be just like her father, I just couldn't. Mental illness or not he wanted to be with his girlfriend. They had survived Nell telling him she was a murderer, they could survive this. "I'll come back," he repeated, mostly to reassure himself. Quietly, he added, "I love you," and then left to find the answers that he needed.
- - -
Joshua was left feeling rather lost after the second long night at the library, poring over stacks of books and trying to figure out what it was he was searching for. He knew that Mia had been paranoid, that she was violent and that she had even managed to abuse her own daughter in horrific ways. What else had she done, what behaviours had she exhibited? Joshua wished that Nell could have given him more but at the same time he understood the fact that his girlfriend was not ready for that. He was not completely ignoring her at school, though he did make a point to avoid this particular subject. He had made a promise to himself that he would not bring it up again until he had solid proof of what the future held. He wanted Nell to be alright, he really did, but he'd deal with this even if the prospects were a little more gloomy. I owe her that, she trusted me. Trust meant a lot to Josh. It took so long to earn his trust that when he got it in return it was like a binding pact. He was still quite frightened by the thought of a mental illness lurking in the near future but if they had to deal with that, well, might as well come prepared. He just hoped that it wasn't anything too terrible or irreversible. Hell, Josh hoped that they wouldn't have to deal with this at all. Unfortunately, much as he wanted to find answers he didn't really know where to start looking other than the library, his one-stop shop for almost everything. Most of what he knew he'd read in books.
It wasn't before he realised that he wasn't going to get anywhere without knowing what he was looking for. A lot of mental illnesses lumped in paranoia and violence, too many to count. He wished he could talk to Nell about this but he didn't want to approach the subject again given how closed off she'd acted when he had tried the first time. Causing his girlfriend significant emotional trauma was not on his wish list for the day, certainly not. It was now the third day since he'd told her he was going to start looking and Joshua was becoming rather desperate and stressed out. There were no other people except Leon who--Leon. Nell's father. Thoughts of the man instantly made him tense, but he couldn't deny the truth. He would know. He had married the woman, he'd raised kids with her (up until a point). He had left, true, but surely not before he'd started to see the psychosis starting to surface? Joshua wasn't sure of what to do with this information. The decision to visit the man was made impulsively--he still hadn't really decided it until he was at the door itself. This is crazy, he thought, and the word 'crazy' made him cringe. When someone answered the door, he gave his name and said, "I need to speak to Leon Fuentes. It's rather urgent." He didn't sound nearly as panicked as he felt.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 25, 2011 20:37:36 GMT -5
Nell felt like she had taken a shot of novocaine and was slowly numbing herself. The pain was very real now, as if Mia was right here, and she needed it to stop. She looked at Joshua, blinking and nodding silently. ”All right,” she told him, her voice silent. Nell felt tired, exhausted by her fears. She had scared him, she knew that. But he said he would come back, right? Just give him time, Nell, her voice of reason said. But she was shaking a bit, because of the fear that if she was becoming like Mia…wouldn’t that mean everyone would leave her? Josh may have said he was coming back, but people spoke pretty words a lot. Still, she held onto her optimism. That’s what Mia didn’t have, something that set them apart. Nell just couldn’t help that she felt like crying because she was scared and Josh was leaving her, she just felt hopeless at this point. ”I love you too,” she whispered, looking at her hands, trying to void herself of all these feelings and fears before they consumed her. He’s coming back. But what if he didn’t? What if he abandoned her because he knew she was going crazy and he turned out to be like Leon and everyone else that ignored and neglected Mia? How much would that loss hurt her? A lot, she knew. It looked like she was just going to deal with this alone, for now.
- -
Leon blinked when his house staff approached him in the corridor. His brown hair was a bit dishevelled since he’d just got off work, and save for the loose tie, he looked otherwise presentable. ”Who is at my door?” he deadpanned with an incredulous look. She blinked as she repeated herself, as if Leon somehow didn’t hear her the first time even though she was standing right in front of him. ”Let him in,” he said, shaking his head when the woman turned and went to guide Joshua into the sitting room. He realized that he was letting a juvenile delinquent into his very expensive home, but he had good enough security that he didn’t think Joshua would be able to get away with anything. Of course, he let his fugitive daughter into his house, but that was different. The girl had been avoiding him lately, and he had to wonder why. Not like she made it a point to spend a lot of time with him in the first place, but he hadn’t seen her for a few days. The man tried not to think hard on it, since he was trying to heed to her wishes as best he could. It looked like he would start by letting her criminal boyfriend into his home.
After fixing his tie once again—he’d just gotten off of work, and about to change—he went into the sitting room with his hands stuffed into his pockets. Standing a good distance away from Joshua, he addressed him with a blasé look. ”Joshua Dale, what brings you to my humble abode?” he said in his usual flat tone. Of course, he was hiding the shock he felt at the boy showing up at his door. ”And how did you come to find out where I live?” His voice was not accusing—in fact, it could almost be described as humorous if Leon possessed a sense of humor. However, he was inwardly suspicious. He was always suspicious of Joshua, even though he’d done nothing as of yet that could warrant his caginess. Except for the fact that he’d shown up unannounced at his house. He thought he had made his distaste very clear at the country club, but apparently that didn’t scare him away from papa bear. Leon didn’t know what to make of him standing in his spacious sitting room. Realizing that it was terribly impolite of him to keep Joshua standing, he gestured with a hand and said, ”Please, have a seat. Would you like anything?” Leon said this as he sat in his own recliner. He would always be a polite host, even as he regarded Josh with stern brown eyes. And he’d be keeping his gaze on Joshua until he left, just in case anything went missing.
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