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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 15, 2011 7:26:59 GMT -5
  "We need to talk, Joshua." The words and the simple way in which they were spoke alarmed him. He could feel his mother's bright blue eyes piercing him though he was not looking at her. There was an understanding between them, a connection that could only be established from knowing someone for all nineteen years of their life, his mother having raised him. He may not have yearned for her acceptance as much as he wanted his fathers but that was perhaps because it was not something that he'd needed to try for. His mother was always there, she always understood, and when he turned his gray eyes on her now he knew that this was going to be something that he didn't want to hear. All the same, he tried for a smile as he inquired, "What's up, Mum?" He couldn't lie to even himself and insist that he hadn't seen this coming. Though Patricia had been trying her best to keep in contact with him the insistence that they get together on such notice had seemed almost random. He'd taken it in stride and met her at the Tim Hortons nearby. At first it had seemed normal and nothing had been brought up besides the usual pleasantries, carefully avoiding the subject of his father. He'd managed to convince himself until just now that he might have been imagining things. Now, he realised, he hadn't been imagining anything.
"It's about the trial."
Whatever he'd been expecting her to say to him, that hadn't been it. He immediately stiffened and a sort of wariness flooded his gray eyes, though he did try not to overreact. "Sorry, Mum, but I'm afraid that's between Nell and I," he said lightly. He tried to use a polite tone so that she understood he was not shutting her out because in reality he just didn't want to discuss the trial with anyone. He hadn't even spoken to Nell about it after he'd promised her his support. And he would go, of course. Josh wasn't one to go back on his word, especially not when it was so important to her. But it was not an easy subject to breach at any point in time and so he avoided it like the plague. He had no plans to change these tactics now but his mother was a different story. "This is about you and Nell," Trish sighed, apparently having realised it would be difficult. "Haven't you even talked--?" He cut her off with an icy glare and a quick, "That is between us. Please don't push the issue." He didn't like to be short with his mother but he also didn't have the patience to warn her off. "This can't be easy on you," the woman said, apparently trying a different approach to the situation. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine," he replied predictably.
Rather than assuaging her mood, this only seemed to upset his mother. "That might work on your friends, Joshua, but that will not work on me," she said. "I raised you and I can tell that you are not fine." For as thoughts of the trial came to mind Joshua was indeed starting to get a little tense. He didn't think about it because it made him panic and his mother assaulting him with the subject out of left field hardly seemed fair. She was being as gentle about it as she could but that didn't count for anything. Gentle or not, Joshua just didn't want to discuss it with anyone, least of all her. "What if things go wrong, Josh? What if the worst happens?" He didn't need to ask to know what 'the worst' was. He knew as well as anyone that Nell was looking at twenty-five to life if she lost the trial and this was precisely why it was such a bad subject for him. She was his girlfriend, he loved her, he didn't want to think of her sitting in a jail cell whilst he mourned the end of a short relationship. "I don't want to talk about this," Josh said more firmly, starting to walk away. Patricia was relentless, following him and not seeming to care that he was trying his best to ignore her.
"I know you don't want to talk about it," she said, "but I think you're going about this the wrong way. Think of your future, Joshua! Haven't either of you given that any thought?" This managed to get a reaction out of him. Stopping before he so much as reached the front door of the building, Joshua rounded on her with an expression that was both distressed and infuriated. "Thought about it? Damn right I've fucking thought about it--it's all I can think about! Of course, it's alright for you sitting up in the mansion with Dad--" Looking hurt, Patricia cut him off. "Joshua! How could you make an accusation like that?" He knew it was cruel to suggest that his mother had any say in the fact that he'd been kicked out, but Josh was angry and those sorts of things tended to slip out when he was upset. Seeming to decide against playing guilt trip, his mother sighed. "You're my son," she said. "Now, I know that you love Nell, but--" And then his anger was overflowing and he couldn't care less what was said any more. "But what?" he demanded. "But I should consider getting another girlfriend because the one I've got's a murderer?"
"I didn't say that!"
"You were thinking it!" he snarled, and right now he didn't care whether or not he upset her with his barbed words. "You and Dad both--I knew I should never have trusted either of you!" With that, ignoring the way she called after him, Joshua wrenched open the door to the building and went inside. He slipped in as someone else was leaving and closed it, hurrying to the stairwell before Patricia could get close enough to say anything else. He took the steps two or three at a time and found himself in the comfort and safety of the apartment, which didn't make him feel any better. In fact, it made him feel rather worse. He found himself in the bathroom, glaring into the mirror and loathing his own reflection. Of course he thought about the future. He thought about it so much that it hurt. His breath was ragged and his eyes stung--Joshua scowled and stubbornly brushed away the moisture gathering around his lids. No, he didn't cry. He never cried. He wasn't going to let this get to him! Unfortunately, it seemed that he already had. Everything that had been plaguing him for months came rushing back and slammed him in the chest, winding him. He had no idea where Nell was right now and couldn't bring himself to think about that, either. I don't want to lose her. And then he was no longer standing in the bathroom with his hands braced on the counter but instead sitting in a warm living room, with a crackling fire and the company of a man that had, until recently, been welcome...
“The mansion will be yours one day, of course,” the older man was saying. “as we’ve discussed. Any changes you want will have to wait until then.” His words were teasing--they’d just had a long discussion about how a few of the rooms in the house were rarely visited, not even by the family themselves. “And I will make them,” Josh retorted, grinning. “In the same day, I assure you!” The return gaze of his father was light as he replied, “Bet you can’t wait to get your mother and I out, then.” As both men shared in the joke, Donovan set down the paper and glanced to his son. “A lot can change in only a few years,” he said. “Where do you think you’ll be five years from now?” Josh snorted. “Taking a leaf out of the old interview book, are you, Dad?” The question was lame and provided some amusement, but that didn't seem to outright discourage his father. “No, I’m serious,” Donovan said, though he sounded more amused than serious. “Married, employed, with little dark-haired terrors breaking vases and marking the walls with Crayola?”
“Yes, because I’m really going to be the proud owner of a vase collection when I’ve got the place to myself.” Donovan actually laughed. “Hey, you never know,” he pointed out. “Marriage comes with its compromises.” This elicited a snort from his son, who chuckled and rolled his eyes before responding. “And who says I’m getting married any time soon?” At this Donovan actually seemed curious. “Have you ever thought about it?” Discussing marriage with his father seemed utterly absurd--it took Joshua several moments to get over the classic hilarity of it all. “Why would I be thinking about that? I’m only nineteen.” It made perfect sense for him not to be thinking that far ahead. He was living in the moment and perhaps only envisioning as far as sending applications for medical school. He didn't want to get too far ahead of himself, after all. “Your mother and I were young,” Donovan reminded him. Then, clearly teasing this time around, he grinned slyly at Joshua and added, “I just thought, what with you and Nell…”
Josh didn’t reply. Donovan seemed to take it as embarrassment, for he laughed and shook his head before going back to the paper. His son, on the other hand, felt strangely sick. “I’m going to go and work upstairs,” he said distractedly, though Don seemed not to notice his tone. “See you later…”
It was that same sickening feeling of dread that he experienced now, leaning over the sink as his shoulders shook.
“Where do you think you’ll be five years from now?”
“Haven’t you ever thought about it?”
“I just thought, what with you and Nell…”
That was just it--he and Nell. He wasn’t seeing the bottle-blonde, blue-eyed trophy girl that had never done anything wrong beyond mix two colours of hair dye for better results. He was seeing Nell Shepherd, a--a fugitive wanted for murder who could quite possibly spend the rest of her life in jail. In his reflection, Joshua's eyes were red from the moisture that he would not let fall. I don’t know, he thought with anguish. I don’t know where I’ll be in five years because I don’t know if she’ll make it out of this… It hit him now with a crushing sense of reality. He had once looked to the future and seen himself alone, perhaps sipping the coffee that he hated so much in preparation for a paper he needed to write. In some of these internal wanderings there had been pets, an occasional thought of what his parents or little sister might be like, but mostly it was he, Joshua, alone and solitary. That was how he’d always liked it. Nell had changed things. His future did not necessarily hang in the balance as hers did--she would be the one going to jail, should things go wrong. Yet they were connected now. He loved her. He didn’t know whether that love would last through another five years, but he sure as hell felt for her now. And as long as he remained uncertain, as long as there were cloudy spots of confusion… his future was no longer as clear as it used to be.
And the worst part of it all, perhaps, was that he could not discuss this with the girl herself. He could not find it within himself to confront her with the awful truth. What would they do if he did, anyway? Discuss whether or not he would be considered ‘single’ when they closed the door to her cell? Josh didn’t want to have that discussion, not with his girlfriend of all people! It was morbid, depressing, and frankly he figured she had enough on her mind without Joshua’s panic adding to it. Taking a shuddering breath, he shook his head and continued to stare into his reflection, uncertain of what he saw there. Perhaps he should have considered the fact that this was her place and that the girl herself wouldn't stay away forever, but to be honest his mind was on more pressing things.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 15, 2011 12:22:01 GMT -5
“I don’t think you’re allowed to do that.” Nell looked out over her Carreras, lifting an eyebrow as she continued to rip off pieces of her sandwhich and throw the bread to the pigeons. ”Is the popo gonna come and arrest me for feeding the birds?” she asked with a grin, crossing her legs on the bench. She enjoyed walking people walk past, the old ladies running with their dumbbells, mothers pushing strollers along the paved walk. ”Maybe,” her friend , Anita, said, trying to keep the paper that her sandwhich had been wrapped in from flying away in the breeze. It had been Nell’s suggestion that they eat outside, and even though the girl had groaned, she went along. ”Poor pigeons, the law is trying to starve them,” Nell said with a shake of her head before taking another bite of her sandwhich. Anita snorted and swallowed her own food before saying, ”You’re like one of those senior citizens who sit around on benches all day talking about gas prices in the 40’s.” The Earth girl cracked up at this, and said, ”Well, when I’m eighty I guess I’ll be partying hard.”
She finished the sandwhich and threw out the paper in the wastebasket, peeling open a bag of chips as Anita rolled her eyes. ”Well anyway,” she said as if they’d still been talking when she spoke. Nell busily munched on chips while she waited for Anita to continue. ”I got my hands on something that might interest you.” Nell leaned in close to the girl sitting next to her and whispered, ”You got the good good?” Anita playfully swatted at her before reaching into her purse and pulling out two basketball tickets. ”Awesome,” Nell chimed as she took them in her hands and inspected them. ”Wait…are you inviting me along?” Her smile curled in an enthusiastic grin. She’d never been to an actual basketball game before, and she would love to go with her friend, who nodded in response to her question. ”As long as you’re not busy on December twentieth.”
Nell’s heart sputtered to a near stop for a moment, but her smile stayed on her face. ”Uhm…I don’t think I can make it, actually. Pretty sure I’ll be busy.” She didn’t want to say that she’d think about because she didn’t want to keep the girl waiting when she could give the extra ticket to someone else. So she just weaseled her way out of it like a pro. Of course, Anita argued. ”Are you sure? Like, is there any way for you to get out of it?” She hated the way her friend’s voice sounded, because Nell really wanted to go with her. But she handed the tickets back and started in on her chips again. ”I’m sorry, it’s family stuff, you know?” Luckily, Anita didn’t argue beyond that, apparently understanding that one can not just worm their way out of ‘family stuff’. Nell forced the uncomfortable feeling in her chest away as they continued on their conversation as if the tickets had never been brought up, settling on talking about what was going on in the world, the people strolling by, the people at school. It was easy for Nell to forget like this, and the feeling quickly disappeared as she directed her mind to other things. ”What time is it?” Nell eventually asked, her eyes blinking at a man in business attire eating a hot dog. Who ate hot dogs in a suit?
Anita took out her phone and read off the time. ”I should probably get going then,” Nell said as she stood and disposed of the bag of chips. She waved goodbye and headed back to where her car was parked. She didn’t have to drive too quickly to get home, since her shift wasn’t too soon. And by the time she did get back to her apartment, she’d managed to keep up her good mood and not think about the tickets that she turned down. If she didn’ tthink about it, the upcoming trial didn’t exist. It was just a figment of her imagination. And even when she had to think about it, she just took the word as simply that—a word. If she didn’t think about the meaning, then she didn’t have to think about the negatie connotations or what it really entailed for her. It was simply a word. Like murder or prison.
Raking her fingers through her hair, she sighed a bit and opened the door to the bathroom, not bothering to knock. It was her apartment, after all. She was only slightly shocked to see her boyfriend there, standing over the sink. “Whoops, sorry Josh, didn’t know you were in here,” she said breezily, not really looking at him. She couldn’t discern the fact that he was far from as good a mood as she was in. ”I was just gonna start getting ready for work.” Well, at least he wasn’t going to the bathroom or anything. Actually, what was he doing? She tilted her head to look at him, eyebrows knitting together when she noticed the red around his eyes and the strange look on his face. Nell had seen him in quite a few different moods, but she really couldn’t identify this one. Still, she stepped over to him and rested a hand on his arm. ”Josh, what’s wrong?” she asked, and even though the words didn’t take on the soft tone of overwhelming concern, they sounded worried. She didn’t know what to make of it, yet, all she knew was that something was wrong. She understood enough about her boyfriend to realize that. That's why she didn't ask if there was something wrong--she could already tell.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 15, 2011 12:52:46 GMT -5
He had never been a jumpy person. Joshua wasn't usually someone that got started by others walking into a room unexpectedly or else approaching him from behind on a dark night. However, likely due to the rather messed up state he was in, he did give a bit of a start when the bathroom door opened. He tried to recover quickly and smiled, though the effect was strained. "Oh, sorry," he apologised lightly. He would have left quickly if not for the fact that he couldn't really push past her or anything like that. So instead he was left standing there somewhat awkwardly as he pondered what she was doing. It was strange to think that he was going through morbid thoughts about her future whilst the girl was standing right in front of him. Will we still keep in contact if she goes to jail? He had plans to do so, of course, but he was doubtful that either of them could maintain a relationship when Nell was behind bars. Even if we do, how long will it last? Maybe they would just stop writing or he would stop visiting or--Stop thinking, he scolded himself viciously. His thoughts were like a never-ending lake of pessimism.
Upon hearing that she had been about to get ready for work, Josh realised that he was probably holding her up by being here. Not wanting his girlfriend to get in trouble for being late due to his stupid emotional turmoil, he said, "Oh, you're working today?" Somewhat apologetic, he added, "I'll get out of your way, then." He couldn't exactly do so without shoving her out the way, though, so he did pause patiently to see if she'd back out. Unfortunately she was much more perceptive than a lot of other people in his life--that, and he was hiding things from her a lot less easily than usual. It wasn't a piece of cake to shroud the fact that you were shaking or that your eyes were red from what could have been crying if he hadn't stubbornly brushed away any trace of a tear. He did not cry, after all. He hated crying, he saw it as a sign of internal weakness. Ironic, considering as he didn't see Nell as weak if she were to show a little emotion and the same went for the rest of his friends, but he held himself to much different standards than he did them.
All the same, though his cover was blown slightly he didn't want Nell to think that anything was wrong. "Nothing," he replied too quickly. The words came out hasty and rushed and he glanced away instinctively as if to hide the expression on his face. Not that it would do any good considering she'd already seen the damning evidence and besides, all she had to do was look to the mirror. "I'm--" He had been about to say 'fine' as usual but realised that this was about as obvious as bursting into tears to indicate that there was something on his mind and so he amended, "I'm alright. Just -- it's been a long day." It hadn't been until now, really. The time spent with his mother had practically melted away the minutes thanks to how much he'd enjoyed seeing her again. He missed living at the house and he somewhat regretted being short with her but he already knew that he wouldn't apologise. He didn't do apologies and besides, in his best interest or not, it was partially her fault that he'd ended up in this state. If she'd just stayed quiet about the trial maybe he would have been alright. But he wasn't, and he was now desperately trying to conceal that fact from Nell.
The shaking was a little more evident as he stopped bracing his weight against the counter and Josh shoved his hands into his pockets as he noticed this. Casting around for some sort of thing to distract his girlfriend (hopefully) he said, "So when'll you get off work? We could do something." Not that they didn't hang out together a lot as is but at least it didn't sound like a strange or out of place request. It wasn't odd to spend time with your girlfriend, after all. What was odd was the fact that he was not meeting her gaze, afraid that his gray eyes might give something away that his words were not. Like if he looked at her too directly she might see the paranoia about the trial in their depths and demand to know what it was all about. Of course, this was silly. Nell was not nor had she ever been demanding toward him--not counting the accusations of cheating, although those had been special circumstances. He tried to think about those about as much as he tried to think about the trial, which was almost never.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 15, 2011 13:46:43 GMT -5
Realizing that she had given him a fright, Nell waved her hand and laughed a little, even though she felt anxiety now that she was concerned about Josh and what the hell he was doing in the bathroom. ”Nah, it’s fine. I should have knocked.” After all, it wasn’t like she didn’t know he’d be around the apartment. But it also wasn’t like she made a habit of knocking on her own doors. ”No it’s all right, I have quite a bit of time. Over an hour, actually. I just like to be early” She went to look down at her wrist and remembered that she only wore it during her shift since it wasn’t like the bar had a clock. Moving her eyes away from her bare wrist, she shifted them back up to Josh’s and again there was the prickling feeling that something was very wrong with him. And still, she couldn’t identify it. She knew him well enough that she understood that he wasn’t happy or ‘fine’ as he usually said. That was about as much as she got though. Nell was about to say that he could stay and do…whatever he’d been doing, but she stopped herself as she tried to think of reasons that he may be…upset? Was that it? It was bothering her that she couldn’t identify the look in his eyes.
Though she may not have been able to put a finger on whatever was going on with Josh, she wasn’t about to fall for the ‘nothing’ answer. She crossed her arms, and slowly said, ”All right.” It was very apparent that she didn’t believe him, and he probably knew that. She blinked a few times before saying, ”But I don’t think it’s nothing.” And she wasn’t going to tell him why because he probably already knew the reason she was asking. This was not normal Josh behavior, which was probably the scariest thing. Feeling him shaking under her hand she had determined that it was some form of upset, and she couldn’t even feel pride in the fact that she’d pinned down what it was. Because she didn’t know why he was upset. And of course, she didn’t want to pry. But Nell was worried about him, lately now more than ever. He was going through a lot, and so she knew that finding him trembling and looking disrtessed was very serious. This knowledge spurred her to say, ”Do you want to talk about it?” Josh wasn’t the talking kind of person, she knew that, so she still left the question open for him to answer or not. In any case, she hoped she made it clear that she didn’t buy the whole ‘long day’ thing. Okay, a part of her could, but long days didn’t usually upset people, and she didn’t think they’d upset Josh. So what was it, then? It was something more, wasn’t it?
He tried to change the subject, but she was rather determined, and so she quickly said, ”Around ten.” She didn’t want to keep talking about her work, though, because there was the more pressing issue that Josh was kind of freaking her out now that he wasn’t meeting her eyes or anything. Did he seriously expect her not to be worried when he was acting like that? She understood that he wanted to avoid questions, so she bit her lip and tried to think of a better way to ask him what was wrong and find out what was going on with him. ”Are you sure that it’s nothing? Because, well, I’m a good listener.” she said slowly, just to remind him of the matter at hand. She really didn’t want to be pushy, but her gut was twisting seeing Josh like this, in a way she’d never seen him before. Like he was about to cry, but even though he seemed upset, she couldn’t be sure about that. Josh never cried. She wasn’t a crying person, and yet he’d seen her shed more tears that she’d ever seen him. Whether or not he was about to cry wasn’t the point though—the point was that there was something wrong and she wanted to see if there was any way for her to help. And if not, she’d still like to know what was bothering him.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 15, 2011 14:15:07 GMT -5
Joshua shook his head when she insisted that she should have knocked. It was ironic that they were standing here and exchanging pleasantries whilst Nell worried over him and Joshua tried to avoid admitting that anything was wrong. He kept up this façade as he easily replied, "It's not like I was actually using it anyway." Really he'd just been standing here... doing what, exactly? He didn't even have an answer himself for why he'd sought out the bathroom over all other rooms in the house. It was actually the worst place for him in his current state considering the treacherous mirror that currently reflected his own state back at him. He was stubbornly maintaining whatever of his composure he could but even Josh couldn't prevent the shaking or magically make the red rims disappear from his eyes. Just because he wasn't crying didn't mean he could hide the fact that he'd been about to. He could see the worry and concern in Nell's features and it made him feel a little sick to his stomach. That she could worry about him when he was pessimistically eliminating her from his future was laughable in a sick, bitter, twisted sort of way.
"Oh," he replied rather lamely when she told him that she didn't need to rush off to work. It was actually all the worse for him considering he might have been able to worm his way out of this if Nell had work to be getting off to. He didn't say this to her, however. In fact, his response to these words was only a simple, "Okay." He knew that they were both thinking about the same thing right now. Or maybe he was just being self-absorbed and Nell didn't notice a thing. All Joshua knew was that in this moment it felt like a bunch of spotlights were blinding him with their dazzling glow. Good as he was at hiding his emotions from other people that didn't mean that he felt quite so adept. Especially not around Nell. "It's..." He trailed off and shook his head. About to insist that it was nothing, Joshua just let it drop. She knew that it wasn't, he knew that it wasn't, there was no use wasting his breath and his voice on a lost cause. But then what was he going to do? It was very hard to run away from a situation when you were confined to the small area of a bathroom. He wasn't claustrophobic and never had been but he was suddenly conscious of how little space there actually was.
He blinked and swallowed hard when she asked him if he wanted to talk. Not to you, he thought. He didn't want to hurt Nell by having her assume the wrong things if he said this aloud, however, and so instead of saying these things exactly he merely shook his head. It was a lie. He wanted to talk, he wanted to tell someone how hard it was to deal with the weight of the trial compressing on his life and strangling the time he had left with his girlfriend, but it was just too difficult. Especially with her. He did notice that Nell skipped over the topic of hanging out after she got off work, though. Any other time he might have wondered why she didn't want to stick around but he was conscious of the fact that she wasn't letting this issue drop. Sure enough, she then went on to press the issue further. "I... I'm sure," he said, slowly and unconvincingly. Then, shaking his head, his frame shook a little as he drew a breath. "Or... well, it's not... I don't exactly..." It was too hard to put what he was feeling into words. After a couple of seconds he just stopped trying. How the hell was he going to worm his way out of this one?
Sighing, Joshua finally let himself look her in the eye. That didn't help--far from it. Instead he felt guilty for not confiding in her. You'll probably make her feel bad if you do. At the same time, he didn't think that he could keep this to himself any longer. Shifting indecisively, he shook his head again and gestured vaguely in the direction of the living room to suggest that they go and sit down. As he passed her he brushed his hand against hers in a subtle sign of... what, exactly? Preparation for the bombshell he was about to drop? Though still not sure that he was ready to burden her with this Joshua didn't exactly feel like he had much choice. Nell would probably continue to wait and wonder if he kept his mouth shut. "I was talking to my Mum today," he said once he'd sat down on the couch. "She... she mentioned the trial. And... well, us, mostly. What's going to happen if--" He couldn't get much further than that, breath catching in his throat. He felt the need to ensure Nell that he wasn't having second thoughts about their relationship then and there, so he took her hand and squeezed it slightly. "Well, you know," he mumbled softly, assuming that she did indeed know exactly what 'if' entailed. "I just... it was rough." He shrugged as a lame conclusion to this.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 15, 2011 15:28:41 GMT -5
Well, Nell felt the situation grow immeasurably awkward as Josh seemed to try and choose his words carefully. It was quite unnerving since this just wasn’t Josh-like behavior and since there was something wrong. He was just making it worse, actually, even though it sounded like he was trying to cover it. Nell really didn’t want to push or nag at him to tell her, and so she bit her lip to keep her mouth closed. If you push, he’ll just pull away. Or will he? Her boyfriend seemed to be in a very odd mood right now, and she didn’t know whatto make of it. She didn’t know what to ask or do, and the powerlessness was scary. Still, she forced herself to stay calm. You’re just overreacting. This anxiety was probably for nothing, she tried to tell herself, and it would have worked had Josh been any other person. But he was Josh, and that’s really what worried her the most. The fact that he couldn’t give her a straight answer just gave her more reason to worry.
She followed him into the living room, feeling his hand against hers and wondering if he was actually going to tell her. It was reminescent of the time she had cornered him for avoiding her, when he told her that his father had kicked him out. Don’t think like that. It was probably not anything as major as that, right? Really, how could his situation get any worse than it already was? Nell didn’t want to think about that, and so she did what she did best and pushed the thoughts aside as she sat down on the couch. When he spoke, stopping short before he said what ‘if’ was, it took a few moment for her to understand what he was getting at. Mention of the trial didn’t affect her much because she kept reminding herself that it was just a word that didn’t mean anything, but he had said that they’d been talking about them. As in their relationship, and a very big ‘if’ left up in the air. She opened her mouth in a silent ‘oh’ and then closed it, her eyes looking down at his hand on hers. Nell didn’t want to think about that ‘if’ and what it meant, but it didn’t have a pretty little label like ‘trial’ that it could hide behind. If I go to prison. It was like a knife to the gut, something she’d experienced that fit how she felt right then very well.
Nell looked up at him finally, and started, ”It is…hard to think about.” She was stating the obvious there. She didn’t really know where to go from there, because it was something she did like to avoid thinking about. Jane may have been relentless in her harrassing and like a constant reminder that the trial was something she was going to have to face soon, but Nell had managed to avoid actually considering what would happen should worst come to worst. But Josh’s mother apparently brought it up, and now Nell was faced with the truth—if she went to prison, she was leaving Josh behind. She had made a life here, and it was terrifying to think that she may never return to it. ”But, with the trial so close, I think it’s something we should…talk about.” She was all for avoiding her problems, but this was Josh’s problem, too. It was their problem, really. It was a relationship, and people talk about these things in relationships, right? Then again, she wondered how many fugitives had realtionships they may have to abandon because of a stupid trial. I may never see him again. That made her feel even worse, and now she understood where Josh was coming from—thinking about the future was supposed to be a good thing, but between them, there was too much uncertainty. Luckily, her father had been strangely sensitive about that subject. He talked to her about what the lawyer was going to use in defense, and the dates and times and all that, but he never once asked her, “What are you going to do if you end up in prison?” Josh’s mother didn’t have the method of parenting.
She sighed, scratching the back of her head and feeling altogether guilty about this. Another long silence, and she said, ”If things end up falling through…” No, she didn’t want to go there. It hurt to think about the fact that her freedom could be taken away again. That she would have to leave Josh behind. Nell didn’t think she could pick up from there, because she didn’t know how he’d react to what she was going to say next. She rested her hands back in her lap, wringing them around nervously. Not meeting his eyes so that it looked like she was talking to her knees, she said, ”I don’t want you to keep in touch.” Nell looked back up at him then, hoping that he didn’t hate her right then. She understood how it could have sounded, so she explained herself in a quiet voice. ”I want you to move on, because…it wouldn’t be fair to you.” She may have been naïve in many aspects, but she knew there was no real chance for a relationship to thrive when one person was behind bars, damned to a slow death. And she didn’t want Josh to have to go through that. He didn’t deserve a convict, he deserved someone who could support him and love him and actually be with him. If she ended up being found guilty, she wouldn’t be able to do that for him. As much as it hurt thinking about this—and it was a pain almost as intense as that wound to the stomach—it was something that they really couldn’t avoid. She looked down again, and her words were supposed to be optimistic, but they didn’t come out that way with how crappy she felt. ”But, we just have to look on the bright side. It probably won’t happen.” She even put up a smile for him, as if to bolster her lie.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 15, 2011 15:55:46 GMT -5
As predicated, Joshua felt bad almost immediately for bringing it up. He saw the change in her expression as it sank in and he had to look away for a moment, hating himself. Why did he have to confide in her? He knew that they should be talking about this, just as Nell brought up herself a moment later, but he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to face it. All Joshua wanted to do was crawl into a comfortable hole and pretend that none of this existed. He wanted to go on with their relationship like they had all the time in the world together instead of a possibility that it would crash down around them in a couple of months. Not only that but Joshua was sure that this was a much harder subject for Nell than it was for him. She was the one who'd be stuck in a cell if all didn't go as they hoped. She'd be the one that had to suffer and meanwhile he'd just be out of a relationship. His parents might even let him back once the murderous girlfriend was out of the picture--not that he'd go, but it would still be an open possibility. He could go back to his old life as if nothing had happened, as if Nell had never even existed in his life. Joshua himself knew that it wouldn't be that easy. He couldn't just shut someone out when he'd finally worked up the bravery to let them in. He didn't share his life with other people and yet she knew more about him than even his own mother did, lately. "Yeah," he mumbled in reluctant agreement, knowing that if they didn't talk about it now it was bound to come up again at some point. It wasn't something easily avoided, after all.
It was painful to hear her say those words, for her to tell him that they should end it completely if her trial went badly. He didn't want to face the facts about the whole thing. Joshua didn't want to confront the possibility that he might never even talk to Nell again. He might be able to face the end of the relationship--no, no, not even that, I don't think I could handle losing her--but their friendship in its entirety? "I couldn't do that," Josh protested, sounding distressed as he shook his head. He could feel the emotion welling up again but thankfully he had more control over it now. He felt cold and distant but at very least he wasn't crying. "I couldn't just--just shut you out of my life like that." He recalled how when they'd first met that had been the only thing he wanted to do, to get the stupid and interfering chick the hell away from him so that he could stumble back to his apartment and sleep off his intoxication. A bitter and half-strangled laugh burst from his throat just then and Josh shook his head to indicate that he was just thinking to himself and not going crazy or anything. "It's not as easy as that." Didn't he wish that it was! He wished that he could make a clean break and that it wouldn't come with all of the regrets and heartbreak that he knew would follow any sort of cutting ties with Nell. He might not have been one hundred percent sure about this relationship when he'd asked her out in the crowded interior of Tim Hortons months ago but he was sure about it now. He'd lasted this long, hadn't he? He was proud of his own resolve but it could all be for naught come December.
Not wanting Nell to argue with him just yet, Joshua decided to do some explaining of his own. He knew that just saying he didn't want to stop talking to her would likely not be enough. He wanted her to know why it wasn't that simple. "You're the only person I've ever told anything about me," he said. "I trust you--I love you, and... and prison or not, I doubt that'll ever change." He didn't think that the affection he had for her could go away. Could he move past it after months, years of grieving? Perhaps, but unless they had some sort of a falling out forgetting her would be impossible. And even if he did get over the relationship, even if he did accept that and find some other girl... "I wouldn't lose our friendship. Never. Not over something so--so crude." His lips twitching into what would have been a smile had he been in the mood for it, Josh said, "I'd be an awful friend if that stopped me, anyway." He had told her a while ago that he would keep in touch wherever she went, whatever separated them. He'd meant it in a different way then, of course, but the same principles applied now. It would be hard for him to handle but he'd handle it for their sakes. If he hated the idea of Nell in prison, he hated it even worse when he thought of her without anyone to really confide in. "Yeah," he said, trying and failing to sound convinced by her 'bright side'. He was a pessimist at heart and couldn't easily be swayed by glass half full words. "What's... what's the case in your defence like, do you know?" He'd never asked her that before, wanting to spare her the difficulty of talking about it. But since today seemed to be a day of discussing the hard subjects, he guessed it was as good a time as any.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 15, 2011 16:50:39 GMT -5
Josh was making it really difficult for her to want to end it all, cut off everything if she ended up in prison. There was the big fact that she loved him that made anymore arguments die in her throat. She wanted to be selfish. She wanted to keep him in her life, and she hated it bcause it would just cause grief for him. It just wasn’t fair for her to do that to him. Nell didn’t know what to say to his words without completely taking back what she said and most likely hurting him in the end. You don’t know that’s going to happen yet. But this is why she avoided thinking about it—because her thoughts were pessimistic when it came to the trial. She tilted her head when she heard the laugh, raising her eyebrow in inquiry. But she immediately looked back down to her hands, playing with the bracelets on her wrists while trying—for once—not to steer her thoughts away from the trial. As difficult as it was to consider, this was a reality they were going to have to face. Sure, she may not end up in prison, but it wasn’t like her prospects were hopeful. ”I know,” she whispered. It was touching to know that it would not be easy for Josh to just end everything between them, as much as it was concerning. A part of her wished that she had never even met him so that she could have spared him all of this, and that selfish part was reminding her that he was one of the best things to happen to her. Nell tried to push away all the regret, but now they were talking about it…well, it was hard to avoid.
She didn’t think she could look at him when he said what must have been one of the nicest things that had ever come from his mouth, and her smile was bitter. Her throat closed up, it almost felt like she was going to cry. Almost. It took her a few moments to find her voice to say in a sesperate sort of tone, ”I don’t want to lose you either, I really don’t. I want you in my life. But…” She paused again, trying to sort words in her head. He explained how he couldn’t just drop her, and so she wanted to tell hm why he should. ”It’s not worth it,” Nell said plainly. It never was worth it when it came to her. ”You’ll be hurt and I don’t want to do that to you. I want you to be happy.” She was almost like a child in trying to convince him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to keep in touch with her. More than anything, she just wanted him to be happy. And she wouldn’t be able to give him that happiness if she was in prison. She really didn’t want to think about everything that conviction entailed, but she knew it meant that it wouldn’t be easy for Josh. Nell wanted to tell him to stop loving her right now—even though she really wanted it—and to stop wanting to be friends with her. She wanted to do something horrible so he could never forgive her, and that way if she’s incarcerated he could think ‘good riddance’. The argument still waged in her head, however, that she loved him more than anyone. Just like he trusted her, she had an unbelievable amount of trust in him. This was scary.
And it got scarier when Josh brought up the defense. ”Yeah, my father has been…” She almost winced when she brought up the man. Talking about what was going to go on in the trial just made it all the more real, not just some scary concept looming in the near future. ”Apparently he got the best lawyer money could buy.” That’s not his father. She had asked him if it was illegal for Pilar to be the prosecutor, but he said it would only be illegal if he was the defense. ”I think the best thing we have now is that my fingerprints aren’t on the knife that was claimed to have caused a self-inflicted wound.” The words were very quiet, because if she thought too hard about them she’d remember that night and what had happened in the truth that her family was trying to sweep under the rug. Even with the ‘best lawyer money could buy’ she felt unsafe and terrified and her chest hurt everytime she thought about her life without Josh. Her voice quiet still, she said, ”I’m scared.” Nell leaned into Josh and buried her face in his arm. She still didn’t cry, she just fell silent. Talk of the trial made her want to shut down, especially when it came to the fact that Josh could be hurt if… That big ‘if’ again. She really hated it.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 16, 2011 3:34:10 GMT -5
This was so, so much harder than he could have ever predicated. Joshua had known that talking about the trial wouldn't be all smiles and laughter and it was part of the reason why he'd avoided doing so for this long, but he also hadn't guessed just how difficult it was going to be. He didn't want to hear her sit there and declare herself 'not worth it' because if she hadn't been worth it to him he'd never have chased after her. He'd taken a chance with this relationship thing because it was Nell and maybe that was actually the worse for the both of them. He had known, when he'd asked her. He had known this would happen eventually and he'd ignored it and now when the trial came up it was going to hurt them both no matter what--unless, of course, she won. That didn't seem like too good of a chance, considering they were both agonising over the bad things at the moment. "Don't say that," he said, shaking his head. He was looking at her but she didn't seem able to meet his eyes. Wanting her to hear what he was saying--really hear it--he said, "Look at me, Nell. Please?" Oh, didn't he wish he could do this some other way? It was selfish to want to stay in touch. Would it hurt her more than help her, when the time came? A part of him didn't care and that was the part that didn't think he could handle it if he broke all ties. Selfish, selfish, selfish. "If you weren't worth it I wouldn't be here, Nell. I gave up my family for you, my life for you, and you think that I'm just going to 'move on' like nothing happened between us once this all comes to an end?" He shook his head. Now he was the one that had to look away for a moment, afraid that his emotions might betray him.
They didn't, so he glanced back in her direction. "You think that it would make me happy to cut ties with you?" He sounded a mixture of incredulous and exasperated. How would that make me happy? How would that make anyone happy? To cut ties and go their separate ways--not like Nell would have a choice of where she was going--would be as good as a bad break up. If they ended it before or after the trial (even if things went well) he didn't want it to be that sort of a break up. He wanted to end it on good terms so that he could talk to her like he used to, as a friend and a confidant. He'd never had anyone he could trust before and--you're a selfish bastard--he didn't want to give that up because of the trial. "It wouldn't. That would--" He cut himself off and shook his head again, unable to put into words how he felt when facing the prospect. He didn't want to talk about this right now. All he wanted to do was go back to pretending like they had all the times before. But they couldn't. They'd opened this dam and now the flood was uncontrollable. "Would it make you happy?" he asked, after a long pause. "If you can tell me honestly that you don't want to talk to me--leave my feelings out of this, I want your opinion--then I'll never speak to you again after this is over. But if you want me around, I... I'll stay." It was a promise in both ways. It would hurt like nothing else to break it off with Nell but if it was her wish then he didn't really have a choice. He wanted to be selfish, he really did, but he wanted to know why she was so intent on breaking ties. Did she really want to stop talking to him, or was she just trying to make things better for him?
He wanted to ask 'been what', but Joshua was afraid that the use of his voice might be detrimental in some way, so he stayed silent and waited for Nell to continue. He knew that her father was a biochemist because she'd mentioned it once or twice so he wondered what role the man he so loathed was going to play in Nell's trial. When she told him, he didn't reply. He was thinking that through--the best lawyer? It should have been a comfort but in his pessimistic mind he couldn't imagine anything different. Even good lawyers had to lose some cases--either that or they 'won' the case and still landed their client in jail, just for a lesser amount of time or on a lesser offence. He didn't express his pessimistic thoughts to Nell for he didn't want to make it any worse than it was. She told him a positive thing about the case and he nodded softly, unsure of how to reply. "That's--that's good," he said, voice quiet and strained. This was so difficult for him to hear, how difficult must it have been to talk about? She certainly didn't help when she confessed to him that she was scared. Oh, Nell, he thought with distress. He didn't want her to be scared but he didn't feel like there was anything he could do about it. When she leaned into his arm he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, wanting to comfort her but not really knowing how. "I know," he said. I'm scared, too. I'm scared about the future, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, I'm-- But this wasn't about him. This was about Nell and he hated seeing her like this. "It's like you said, it probably won't happen. Actual murder cases, people a lot worse than you have gotten off because of a good lawyer. That's something, eh?"
[They're so depressing o.o]
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 16, 2011 14:13:15 GMT -5
Staring down at the hands she was currently wringing in her lap, it took her a few minutes befre she fulfilled Josh’s request and looked at his slate gray eyes. She hated this, hated considering a future without Josh and her friends and the life that she’d made her. Nell finally found somewhere she could call home, and it could very possibly be taken away from her with just a snap of god’s fingers. She should have known this from the beginning, but it wasn’t what she was thinking about when she was starting life anew, or when Josh asked her out. She wasn’t thinking that it would end so horribly. Too busy living in the moment, she didn’t stop to have a conversation like this with Josh sooner. Maybe they should have? She didn’t know, because she didn’t want to even have it right now. But here they were, talking about something that was breaking her heart. With his words, she felt her gut twist in guilt, now truly realizing how much he’d actually sacrificed for her. He could be living it up in his mansion, perfectly happy with the money and his family’s love…but he wasn’t. No, she didn’t think she was worth that sacrifice, but it was what Josh felt. She couldn’t say anything to that, because she didn’t know what to make of it. Josh had done something for her that no one had done before. She was used to people not wanting anything to do with her, or hating her—no one had ever sacrificed anything for her, and she wanted to hit and hug Josh at the same time for doing that. She still didn’t understand, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t eternally grateful.
Nell looked at him for a few moments before answering the rather rhetorical question with her now-constant quiet tone, ”I don’t know.” Because really, she didn’t. She didn’t know anything anymore, everything was uncertain. They were talking about the worse outcome for the situation, and right now she couldn’t think of it ending up any other way. She understood that she was very powerless in this situation and that there was almost nothing she could do, and her optimistic nature was crushed under the weight of stress and the fact that—if she ended up in the pen—she may never see Josh again. And he asked her if she would be happy with that. She knew what she wanted, but she didn’t want to tell Josh because that would just make her previous arguments fall through the cracks. Still, Nell was going to be honest with him about this. She closed her eyes for a moment. ”No…no, it wouldn’t make me happy.” Opening her eyes, she raked her shaking fingers through her hair. It was a terrifying thought, maybe even more terrifying than thinking of prison, to consider that she may never speak to Josh again. ”I want to keep talking to you, of course. You’re my best friend and…” I want to be selfish. That wouldn’t be good for him, right? If they wrote letters or whatever inmates were allowed to do, what would she have to talk about? “The prison food is actually pretty damn good”? Wouldn’t she just depress him? So no, she didn’t think that keeping in contact would make him happy, because she wouldn’t be happy if she was in prison.
Josh stayed silent through her words, and she bit down on her knuckles because she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She wanted to curl up like one of those roly-polys and sleep for a very long time. It was different, talking about this with Josh. Because with her parents, it was just the technical stuff, and they never spoke of how it would affect her or how she’d feel if she lost the case. And she didn’t want to talk about it with her father like with Josh, even though—without her realizing—the man had become a big part of her life again. And she really didn’t know what to think about him still. It felt almost like she was going to die and she had to make all her important decisions now. Was she selfish for being glad that she had Josh? She felt that way, especially since she was dragging him along to America with her and it might be for not. Feeling his arms around her, though, she couldn’t bring herself to care at that moment. ”Mhmm,” she murmured at his reassuring words, forcing herself to actually believe them. ”I’ll be fine.” But will she? Nell wanted to get her optimism back and apply it to her situation, but she really was scared. Terrified, actually. ”I’m sorry, I should be telling you that I’ll get off fine.” She wanted to be supportive and tell him that the lawyer her father got is amazing, and there is no question that she would be getting her freedom. But she was struggling to get herself to believe that.
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Post by JOSHUA DONOVAN DALE on Oct 16, 2011 15:02:42 GMT -5
Joshua wished that he'd never brought this up. He loathed seeing her so unhappy and knowing that there was nothing that he could do to really make this any better. Could be promise that he'd keep in touch if she was thrown into prison? Maybe the bare minimum, but he didn't know whether or not a relationship could work if she was never getting out. Hell, he was pretty sure it wouldn't. It would be a relationship in pure writing, no marriage or children forcing them not to break up with one another. He felt bad even thinking about moving on right now. Maybe he'd feel different after it happened but right now there were too many questions and not nearly enough answers. He wanted her to be happy. "Then we'll talk," he said, "I promise." It was scary to cement himself in like that. He liked structure but Joshua wasn't a big fan of promises. They could be so easily broken with just a shift in a situation. Best friend, she'd called him, however, and that was why he had made the promise. They weren't just a couple, they were more than that. He hadn't met and seduced her in a bar or anything like that, they'd met and built a friendship and just turned it into something else entirely. That was why he couldn't move on. Did she understand that? "I won't leave until you ask me to." It wasn't entirely for Nell's benefit, however. They were both being selfish. Maybe it would have been better if they had cut ties but as neither of them wanted to it seemed they were in this for the long run.
It felt like cheating to hold on to her right now, to feel that desire to kiss her and be close to her. Wouldn't it be all the worse to break up the more involved they got with one another? Even though the trial hadn't really crossed his mind all that much in terms of starting a relationship with Nell, it had ingrained itself somewhat. He'd never made a move on her beyond kissing. Normally he would have dropped a relationship if he had been forced to wait this long--or so he thought, seeing as he had never been in one before. He just didn't want it to hurt worse in the long run. If they went further than they had it would be harder for him to part with her if things went wrong. He did not confess as much to Nell, however. He just kept his distance and hoped she didn't assume that he was holding out for other reasons. Hell, he wasn't the virgin in this relationship. Had things been different perhaps he would have been a little more persistent, but he was sensitive to what she was going through and what she might have to go through after the trial facing the rest of her life in jail. She's got enough on her mind. However, he couldn't stop himself from selfishly holding onto the relationship. If they broke up now they wouldn't have to after the trial but he was too invested in this to do something so selfless. She had his trust, she had his compassion, but Josh didn't really have it in him to be completely selfless. He probably never would.
He shook his head fiercely when Nell spoke. "Bullshit," he said, though his voice was soft despite the manner in which he said it. "You're scared, think of yourself before you think about me." That was one of Nell's worst problems, after all. In Joshua's mind she seemed to put everyone else before her own well-being and he didn't like that. As her boyfriend and best friend he really didn't want to see her hurt because she'd spent too much time looking after everyone else that she'd neglected herself. Well then I can look after her. This was the girl he'd abandoned his family for. "It'll be alright, Nell. Best lawyer money can buy. Concentrate on the positive." He was being a bit of a hypocrite, wasn't he? But it was only too easy to speak about the good things and try to lull them both into a false sense of security. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to fool himself into thinking that they'd both be fine and that this was all going to work out for the better. He wanted to convince them both that the trial was not going to turn out a disaster. Did he even have the ability? He had no idea, but he was certainly going to try. Drawing a breath as if it could give him some sort of inner strength, he said, "I love you, Nell." He didn't often say it out loud but he felt like it was needed right now. He did love her. Trial or not, murderer or not, he loved this girl. It made their situation so much worse but there wasn't any denying it now.
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Post by NELL DOE DALE on Oct 16, 2011 16:45:58 GMT -5
Nell nodded mutely when he said that they would talk if she got herself landed in prison. She hated that she was keeping Josh around because she knew life would suck that much more without him. She didn’t even want to think about prison, but since it was a route that the road that is her future might take, she had to consider it. And she had to consider the fact that Josh was a big part of her life, and that she almost regretted meeting him and falling in love with him because she should have figured that this would happen. Back before her father came back and started pressuring her about the trial, she thought she could get away with it, and that nothing would jeopordize her life or her friendship with Josh. But she should have taken Josh into consideration when her father came back and she knew that she would be going to the trial. But she didn’t, because she didn’t want to think about it, and didn’t want to think about the prospect of losing Josh. ”All right,” she said simply, quietly. Nell knew she wouldn’t ask him to ever leave, and she hated herself for that. Yes, she may have given him the option, opened the door and said that he could leave right then, but inside she was hoping that he wouldn’t take the invitation.
She almost regretted admitting to Josh the fact that she was scared, and showing weakness like that. But he really was the only one she’d actually tell. She liked to be the support and the shoulder to cry on, it’s just what she was like. She didn’t like to think about her problems, and a part of the reason was because of how she was like now—upset. It was hard for her not to think of Josh and his situation and the fact that he was probably just as upset as she was right now. Nell wanted to smile and be reassuring just so she wouldn’t have to see him like that. And she also didn’t want to argue with him and tell him that she couldn’t really think of herself when he was unhappy, as well. So, she said, ”Okay,” and let it drop. She didn’t want to think at all, actually. She wanted to push it all aside and act like there were no problems in her life, but that was clearly impossible. Nell had tried and it didn’t work and now they were talking about it like they probably should have long ago. It wasn’t like the trial just popped out of nowhere, it had always been there, hovering in the distant future. Now it was getting closer, too close, and therefore it was something most likely on both of their minds no matter how much they tried to ignore it.
Nodding, Nell allowed herself a small laugh. The positive? ”Yeah, maybe Jane will get arrested and I won’t have to worry about her. That’s something positive.” Not like the woman was clean-cut at all, and she was a big opponent for her at this trial, other than her district attorney grandfather who represented the government. She stopped thinking about that tidbit of information right there, the fact that a person lying about everything she did was so influential and could dictate her future. Instead, she focused on Josh’s words and the way they made her stomach flip and how happy they made her. At the same time, it made her feel worse about their situation. ”I love you too,” she said with a small smile, and she really did. It was why she couldn’t just let go of him, even if her future ended up getting stripped away from her. It was why she was being so selfish in this relationship, and she guessed the same went for both of them. Blinking a few times, she remembered that she had to go to work soon and almost groaned. Maybe it would be for the best though. She could focus on work and not on the trial and what must be the most upsetting conversation she’d even had with Josh. But she didn’t even bring it up, because she was comfortable and sad at the same time right now and she didn’t even want to think about working, either. It was just a strange mood she was in.
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