RUN && HIDE,, josh

Nell didn’t mind when Josh walked into the room while she was still changing, because she had no way to give him a heads up. And besides, this was natural for them. It wasn’t odd for them to change around each other now, so she just smiled and said, ”It’s okay.” It was his room, she wasn’t about to kick him out of it just because she was still changing. ”I’m just being slow.” And just struggling to get her stupid shirt over her head. Talking to Josh, she managed to forget about her scars. She usually could do that, considering she hoped that he was looking at her face and not anywhere else. Not that she minded wandering eyes—let’s not go there. She didn’t necessarily hate her body, she hated what her mother did to her body and the way she made her feel. ”I guess we can chill up here. Had any plans or anything for tonight?” She was up for anything really, just as long as she was hanging out with Josh. And that she was clothed while doing so. ”Really nice,” she said honestly. It was a lot better than her previous workplace. ”I like not always being so rushed and stressed out. It’s a decent job.” It was definitely a different environment than the club, and she found she enjoyed pretty much every aspect of it. Except the legality issue, but everything she did was illegal, so that was of little concern so long as she didn’t get caught. ”Yep, it’ll be nights and weekends then. Can’t say I’m too happy about that.” But she said all this with a smile, because she really didn’t mind that she would be even more stressed out with school starting up. ”Do you plan to do anything before school starts?” she asked curiously, wondering if Josh had any plans.

Merrily going about her business and rummaging through her bag, she stopped short when Josh asked a question. Tilting her head, she gave him a confused look, not realizing her meant her scars until he gestured. Her blood froze as she covered the words on her stomach, feeling her gut clench underneath. She didn’t expect Josh to notice, she wasn’t even thinking about that—she just become so comfortable with him tha she forgot. ”It’s nothing, actually,” she said instantly as if that could convince Josh that whatever he’d seen was just imagined. But it was kind of hard to imagine scars like that. She wondered if he’d actually read it or not, and what he thought, and what was going through his mind—stop it, you’re making yourself sick. It was a strange sort of panic that he now knew about her scars. Then he asked where she got them, and she stayed silent for a long while, even after he explained that it was okay not to answer. She knew that if she didn’t want to answer, she wouldn’t whether or not she had his permission. But right then she was deciding what to do.

No one had ever seen her scars before, and she made sure of that—she swam in a one-piece, she didn’t wear revealing clothing, she turned her backs to others when changing. The only person who might have seen them were Ace when he walked in on her. With Josh, she got too comfortable, assuming that he’d just never noticed them before. Well, he said he hadn’t… After the long pause, she finally opened her mouth. ”No, uh…” She didn’t know how to phrase this, but she didn’t want to turn and try to distract herself by picking out clothes—that was rude. Nell looked down, rubbing her thumb over the scar. ”The night I ran away…wasn’t my mother’s first act of violence toward me,” she said slowly, knitting her eyebrows together. Hopefully he'd be able to infer abuse from that. She sighed and dropped her hand when she noticed that it was shaking. ”She was pretty violent…all the time.” She shrugged as if she didn’t care, even though with self-consciousness making her unable to meet his gaze, Nell felt pretty shitty about the word carved into her belly. ”Most aren’t recent or anything, except…” The words died in her mouth and she felt a bit ill.

Nell grinned. ”Perfect,” she chirped. She was glad tha he didn’t have any plans or anything, even though she wasn’t about to hog Josh all to herself. If he had some other things to do, she guessed she could have just found something to occupy her time while trying not to seem too disappointed. ”Guess I did,” she said rather smugly, even though she was only half-joking. She hoped she deserved the move up. But she’d worked pretty hard, right? That meant something. It at least meant she shouldn’t have to deal with what she used to anymore. And it was getting by on her own. So yeah, she supposed she did deserve it. Josh’s little comment managed to give her a confident boost. ”I don’t know if I want to be a bartender for the rest of my life, but time will only tell. Que sera sera.” ‘Whatever will be, will be’ was a good way to describe her view on things. She knew Josh was pretty determined in what he wanted to do, but she was still waiting to see what would happen in her life. She didn’t know enough about the world yet to know exactly where she wanted to go, so she decided to just experience things first. That meant keeping thoughts of the imminent trial from her head which would determine whether or not she would even have a future outside of prison.

She liked Josh’s occupation of choice. Most people didn’t really think of bartenders as the best thing to do with your life (she was pretty sure she didn’t want to be one forever, but she didn’t know), but doctors were always respected. She considered it to be the best job out there. You were helping people, and that was always good and Nell’s book. So she was excited to her that Josh was volunteering at the hospital—or what she assumed to be the hospital by context. ”That’s great!” she said. ”I guess that means you’ll be pretty busy, huh?” Working in a hospital—even if it was volunteer work—couldn’t be easy. It looked very orderly and clinical, but she knew for the professionals there it was a hectic environment. Or rather, she simply assumed. In any case, she was glad that Josh had plans like that, even though they weren’t necessarily for the summer. ”I don’t have any plans for the summer either, really,” she admitted, even though she scrunched her nose up as if she were thinking about it. ”Just going to the beach and everything. I usually just find out what my friends are up to and hang out with them.” That had pretty much been her summer so far, even though she knew it wouldn’t be very similar to Josh’s experience. He didn’t have much of a social life, which was fine since he preferred it that way. If he had wanted friends, she would be making sure he’d get them.

Nell shrugged again when he apologized. ”It’s all right,” she said. She did answer him after all, because she had nothing to hide from him really. And it was hard to lie about a scar that involved a word. ”I just never talk about it. So it’s hard.” Nell was extra careful with everyone except Josh, because she let her guard down around him. She chose to think of that as a good thing. When Josh came up and touched her scar, she still couldn’t meet his eyes. He saw what it said, so she wasn’t going to speak it out loud. Her voice shook a bit when she did speak, however. ”They’re not just marks to me…they mean a lot.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. ”They remind me that there’s no way to escape her even when she’s dead. And they remind me of everything I’ve ever done wrong. They’re not just marks.” Nell felt a tear slide down her face and hated that it was so much easier to cry now, and she wiped the tear away with the back of her hand while trying to over her face with her hair. ”It’s not even the word that’s bad. It’s the fact that she hated me so much that she did it, and the fact that I have to carry it with me now. I don’t think I’m a…” She stopped, because she didn’t want to say out loud what she knew was written down on her stomach. She didn’t even want to think about what happened that night, but she was remembering too much now. After a year, it was a fresh wound. ”I’m not. But there were other things that she said to me…that were true.” After years spent with Mia, the psychological damage was impressive, and matched the physical damage pretty well. ”She made me hate myself,” she finished, her voice weak. She couldn’t make the connection that she didn’t think about his scars as anything bad. She just hated them because it meant he had to suffer, and she didn’t want that. All she thought about was how her mother had to fuck everything up for her, right down to what she felt about herself.

As if she couldn’t be anymore defenseless when standing in front of Josh without a shirt on, she had to go and start crying too. She’d brought it upon herself for answering the question. For acknowledging what had happened when it would be better for her mental health just to go on ignoring her past. She didn’t say anything when Josh told her that she wasn’t a bad person—she didn’t want to argue with him, even though she knew that she wasn’t a good person. If she was, then she would have been able to prevent everything her mother had done and she would have been able to help her sister and her father would have left. And she wouldn’t have killed her mother. Josh may have called her a ‘killer’ instead of a ‘murderer’, but there was still the fact that good people don’t kill others. They don’t hurt people, and that was what she was best at. Instead of telling him why she was a bad person, she crossed her arms and listened to him. She still had nothing to say to that, because she’d already told him just how bad it had affected her, and Nell hated that she showed that kind of weakness, but there it was. Her mother was the entire reason she could barely function in a normal society, and why she believed she wasn’t good enough for Josh.

”Not really,” she said quietly. ”She never goes away.” Did that sound bad, like there was something messed up in her head? The thought just made it worse for her. She didn’t want to be like Mia—but she knew that the woman was present in so many ways. In the scars and in the future trials and everything Nell does she fears like she’s become closer and closer to her. She always wondered what was stopping her from becoming like her family? Nothing, really. She didn’t know why people became the way they did. She was about to say ‘you don’t owe me anything’, but then he told her that he loved her and she didn’t know how to respond to that. Joshua wasn’t perfect, but she still felt like she didn’t deserve him. And he now knew why. Was it a bad thing that she loved him more than she even loved herself? Maybe, but that was how she felt. She loved him more than she loved anyone, and yet she couldn’t even see herself in a good light. ”How would you do that?” she asked as she wiped tears away. How was it possible to make someone love themselves? Well, your mother managed to make you feel worthless. Nell believed she now realized why she didn’t understand Josh—she’d never had anyone in her life like him. Everyone she’d known before were bad for her, except for Tilly and she wasn’t around anymore. Josh was the only one who’d been good to her, and she really didn’t know how to rect to that. ”I love you too,” she said as she shook her head, ”but I don’t want to burden you with anything. It’s…really okay. You’ve done enough already.” It was kind of hard to convince your boyfriend that you were well-adjusted while crying, but she would say that just so he wouldn’t have to worry too much. She was truly thankful for everything that he’d done, that he even was, but she didn’t want to use him.

Nell let him hold her—she wasn’t going to push him away or anything, even though she wasn’t wearing a shirt—while she tried to collect herself. Deep, calming breaths. She needed to stop crying, because it wasn’t a big deal. Normal people didn’t do these things, they didn’t cry when talking about their mothers, people no longer alive. And she didn’t want Josh to have to deal with her when she was like this. Pulling away, Nell gave him a watery smile saying, ”Sorry I got worked up.” She was just being ridiculous, but that was why she avoided thinking about her problems and her scars and anything to do with her mother. And even though he offered his support, she didn’t want to take advantage of that and burden him. ”I just…uh…” She gave a bitter laugh. ”I never talk about anything. Ever. Because it’s easier just to ignore everything.” It worked for a while before reality caught up to her and she had to admit to herself that she couldn't avoid life. She bit her lip before shaking her head and kissing him, a silent thank you for not thinking her a total freak and walking away. It was only to be expected though: for some reason, he never walked away. Turning back around, she pulled a clean shirt from her bag and put it on, tugging it down to cover the scar while at the same time trying not to think of it. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she took another deep breath before looking up at Josh. ”Sorry again,” she said, sure that her face was now blotchy. ”Hope I didn’t ruin your night or anything.”

Nell was aware she was most likely making Josh uncomfortable now and she wished she could stop. She bit her lip while pressing the palms of her hands against her eyes to force the tears away. Her mother couldn’t physically hurt her from the grave, but if Nell ever thought about it too much, the woman still got to her. Like now. When he talked about fading scars, she touched her stomach and nodded. She would rather not have that—if people noticed it, they wondered. She bet even some people thought it may have been self-inflicted. And she didn’t want to answer those questions. Nell didn’t want to have to explain that. ”I want them to go away now,” she said quietly, her eyebrows drawn together as she struggled not to cry again. ”If people see them, it makes them wonder. And they come up with their own stories. And…you know how that is.” But she stopped anything else she was going to say, because she didn’t want to keep putting all this on Josh. He wasn’t a nice person by default, and yet he was the nicest guy she knew. He should have walked away and left her. That’s what she would expect from anyone else she told about her mtoher. Maybe this should have helped her in believing she was worth sticking around for, but it only made her feel terrible for her boyfriend.

The part of her that was currently wallowing in self-pity told her that Josh wouldn’t wait. That he would grow sick of her because she could get like this, and he wouldn’t want to deal with her. But the part of her that loved him wanted to believe she deserved these words. She wanted to be better, just so he wouldn’t have to put up with her. ”Well, thanks for the faith,” she said, and even though it sounded bitter, she meant it. The bitterness was only for herself, because she was making Josh uncomfortable. But he sounded so genuine, like he had the utmost belief that she could somehow find good in herself. It felt good, even though she had lost faith in herself throughout the years that she’d done absolutely nothing against her mother. ”I don’t want to sound like I’m throwing a pity party or anything, but…people always leave me. I reached out to my father, and he decided that would be the day he left. My sister died because I was too afraid to get her help. My family was supposed to support me, but they all turned their backs on me.” Even from the beginning. They must have known their was something wrong with Mia, but they didn’t care about her. So they ignored her. ”The only person I’d have been better off without was the one who stayed. I never had anyone that actually loved me enough to do anything.” She had friends now, but she would never ask anything from them. All she wanted was to make them happy, and that meant keeping them away from her problems. But Josh had found a way in, and she supposed that was a good thing. She didn’t even know yet. ”I want to believe you, but…I never had anyone before.” Nell wasn’t always cynical, and she certainly wasn’t a pessimist like Josh. But this ran deeper. The trust she had in Josh didn’t make her believe that he would stay with her, and she didn’t want that. Josh was trying his best, he was trying to help her, and she was just making it difficult for her. Maybe it took someone loving her to love herself, but she didn’t know what to think about it since she never focused on it before. It was something she kept covered up, something she swept under the carpet as a well-kept secret.

Calmer now, but shaking a bit thanks to memories coming through unfiltered and making her relive terrible things, she laughed a little. ”I just hope it gets better before the trial,” she said. ”Then I’ll have to talk.” She’d much rather talk to Josh than a courtroom full of people who don’t care, though. The thought of it terrified her like nothing else, because of how soon it would be. Five months seemed too close, especially when she was feeling like this. ”But thank you. For everything.” She gave another laugh. ”For putting up with me, I mean. I really appreciate it.” Not a lot of people have done it. No one had done it. Josh was just pretty special. Instead of lingering on all this, though, she did what she did best and ignored it. ”Uhm, if you don’t mind…how do you feel about your scars?” It may have been a strange question, she didn’t know. But she knew how she felt about hers—she’d never talked about Josh’s before, just because even remembering that night made her sick.

Nell snorted and shook her head a bit. Yeah, the scars were easy to hide and she got some hope with that. No one needed to know, and if one of the lighter ones were noticed she could chalk it up to childhood accident. But she knew what was underneath her clothes, and what how it felt and everything her mother ever did, and so it felt better not to think about those things. She’d be a constant emotional wreck if she focused on everything too much, and so her brushing off certain things was what kept her together. ”It means something,” she told him, her voice small. She didn’t understand why Josh was so determined. Why did it matter so much what she thought of herself? All he needed to worry about was him and his life. Nell didn’t want him to have to think about her and her horrible self-image, or to make him sad. She wanted to make herself seem perfect and happy and good because he deserved that kind of girlfriend. He definitely did not deserve the tears and angst she was currently giving him. ”I believe you,” she said as she looked down at their hands, trying her best to make it sound like she actually did believe him. She wanted to—he was telling her the kindest things she’d ever heard, but people always leave. There was nothing keeping him here. But she would decided she’d just ease up, lest she frustrate Josh with her stubborness. ”I’ll get better. I want to be happy with myself.” That was spoken with honesty, and hopefully it made a difference. She didn’t want to think of herself the way she did, but she also had no control over it as far as she felt. Nell didn’t acknowledge that she could change it but it was self-esteem—she’d just grown so used to her mother it was hard to imagine anything else.

The topic of the trial made her feel the constant omnipresent fear always looming over her. She was scared all the time, and the trial was responsible for that. Hearing Josh speak up, she looked over at him to see him dio his head. “Josh, I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Nell said, eyes wide. “The trial will probably last for weeks or months and I might not even—“ Nell loked down, hands folded in her lap. ”It wouldn’t be worth it.” She was just amazing with bringing conversation down today. But she didn’t want to selfishly cling to Josh and make him come with her. Support was definitely something she wouldn’t have, though. Her father would be there, but that didn’t count for much at all, especially not with everyone else either hating her or harboring some sort of morbid curiosity for the case. She wanted to beg and ask him to come to America with her so she wouldn’t have to face it alone, but she also didn’t want Josh to have to leave Canada for weeks because of something that may have a grim outcome. ”I’ll be fine on my own. I’ll have my father with me…” Nell gesture meekly with her hand as if her father would be good to have with her. ”And it’s going to be totally boring. I won’t let you suffer through that.” Adding humor to the situation when she was in such a mood was barely working, but she wanted to try and not be so pessimistic. She was supposed to be upbeat, even when faced with the looming court date. Josh was trying to do the same, it seemed, and her lips twitched a bit at his words. ”You’re worth tolerating, though.” Sure, he may not have been the easiest person to get along with, she knew that for sure. It had been a challenge even for her to hold a conversation with him. But that didn’t mean he was anything horrible or that she loved him any less. It just meant they’d come a long way.

Nell watched Josh’s face, even as he took off his shirt. She wasn’t about to be rude during a time like this and stare at all the scars he had. He had been respectful with her, after all. At the mention of first impressions because of the marks, she thought of a person in her life that judged him. She was pretty sure that’s what her father thought about the scar on Josh’s face. He believed the boy to be a delinquint. And while the truth about the scars was nothing glorious, she knew it was not what her father thought. ”I’m sorry that you can’t hide it,” she said honestly about the scar on his face. It would be easier if he could tuck it away, but it was a nasty looking thing right on his cheek—it made people wonder. ”Well, you know how they got them, and they don’t, so it makes their words matter less.” As long as you remember that they don’t know what they’re talking about, it should make it better, right? She didn’t know exactly how it was like for Josh. He had a scar right on his face where everyone could see after all, and she had a feeling she would have made her own assumptions if she didn’t know where they’d come from. But the fact that she did know made her even more respectful. Nell did turn her eyes down to his torso when he pointed them out, blinking at his next words. She assumed that by ‘they’ he meant the gang, but… ”The first time they jumped you?” she asked, looking back into his eyes. ”There was another time?” She was only aware of the time he’d called her, and she didn’t know how to feel about this other time. It sent a shiver running along her back to even think about it—she didn’t like to think about Josh getting hurt.

Nell shrugged, trying to avoid the look Josh gave her. He knew her too well, he really did. ”Well, he’s hiring an attorney for me…” she said, though it was a weak attempt in defending the man because she didn’t want to. She remembered the words he said when she first went out to eat with her father—I’m the only one on your side. But she had Josh now, didn’t she? He was on her side. He kept saying he wouldn’t leave her, which she should have believed given the fact that he had done nothing when he found out about her mother, but it she was the cynic when it came to her mattering enough to anyone. She definitely didn’t trust her father now that he was back—she was curious as to how he will get along with the parents he hadn’t spoken to in about twenty years and whether anything will change when they go to the states. Even with all this worry and fear she found she liked hearing Josh’s words. He would do anything for me? No, she didn’t understand, but then again, she rarely understood anything when it came to Josh. Even when she learned more about him, he turned out to be more of an enigma than ever. ”I…” She paused a moment, rearranging words in her head. ”But you can’t—“ Nell tried to find an argument but she was all out. He’d stumped her. ”All right, I want you to come,” she admitted in a frustrated voice. She hated admitting that she wanted something or that she needed help and she hated having to make Josh change things for her, but he wanted to do this. He sounded so sure, and if he wanted to… ”When I find out the date, I’ll tell you. I’ll even buy you a plane ticket and…I’ll take care of everything.” She knew her father would probably not approve of Josh coming along, but as always, she refused to give him power in this situation. Nell looked back at Josh now recovered from her frustration and smiled as brightly as she had since she’d become depressed with the talk of scars. ”Thanks, I…I need it.” The support was welcome, even though she didn’t want to take advantage of Josh. She always felt like she was doing that when he displayed kindness toward her.

She bit her lip, and gripped the comforter on his bed. ”I guess…” she admitted. She didn’t get it as much as Josh, she knew that. Not like she walked around bearing her mid-section all the time, so it was only sometimes when people take notice. Nell woud rather not know the things they may think of when they see a scar like that. She guessed she could sympathize with Josh on a level, and she supposed he was getting at the fact that what people said still hurt. She didn’t want to think about scars anymore, or pain. Not with Josh—his scars made her sad that he had to go through something like that, and she didn’t want either of them to be sad. All in all, she knew how she felt about her own. It was like her mother telling her that she couldn’t escape no matter how hard she tried, and that she would always be prisoner. That’s why she didn’t want to think too much about it. Nell had wanted to believe that she could leave her past behind and start anew and everything would be all right, but she was constantly proving wrong. She didn’t think she could ever run away, and that maybe she was stuck.

Nell figured there may be quite a bit about the gang business she didn’t know. And it wasn’t like she was going to press for information if he didn’t want to talk about it. She guessed she was returning his favor of not asking about anything—the secret he kept always came to her mind. ”If you want to,” she said so that he could back out if he didn't have it in him. But she knew he rarely chickened out of anything with her, something she appreciated. His honesty when before there had only been secrets was always pleasant. When Josh spoke of the time he witnessed someone being shot and killed, she nodded slowly and gave him her full attention. The part she didn’t know about was the part that he implied. He’d snitche on the gang. Thinking about what his past life must have been like made her shudder—she knew it wasn’t at all nice or pretty. Probably even before he sold them out. ”You did the right thing, though,” she said, placing her hand over his own. It was barely placating after what he must have been though, but it was true. ”You couldn’t just let them get away with it.” There could be justice in some ways. She tried not to think of herself and the fact she’d killed someone and there was no justice for her, but in this situation she believed the right thing to do was to snitch even if the gang didn’t like it. ”I wish you didn’t have to go through all that.” And she meant everything he’d dealt with in his life, and the fact that he had to get those scars and what must have been traumatizing events when he was so young.