SHINE A LIGHT DOWN ON ME; tagged NELL

Nell needed food. Well, she always needed food, but she especially needed breakfast. Unfortunately for her, she was an early riser and the mess hall wasn’t even open yet. And hse rose especially early since she’d had sleep troubles lately. Her nightmares didn’t cause breakdowns, but ever since that morning when she met Jake at Burger King and had that first dream, they’d become very frequent. Against her better judgement, she’d done some research on it. When the human mind needed a way to cope, it found one against all odds. That was one reason for it amongst others. Luckily, it didn’t impair her enough that she felt the need to cope with it immediately. She was all for pushing her problems aside.

Which is why she slept in the Earth dorms that night. She hadn’t visited her father that day, and as a part of their compromise he’d promised that if she failed to ‘report’ to him, he’d come to her apartment. She really wished she didn’t tell him where she had lived, but she never dwelled on the past. In any case, she decided it would be best to sleep in her dorm, sad that she couldn’t have the companionship of her kitten. Nell made sure to leave enough food for him, but she always felt lonely when sleeping without the kitten curled against some part of her body, whether it be her face, or her stomach.

She didn’t think too hard about her troubles as she shook off the dream. It was surprising how many things someone couldn’t remember when conscious that filtered through into the subconscious. Nell couldn’t recall how she’d gotten the scars on her back and legs and arms that her mother stitched herself until that night. And she really wished she didn’t have to know that it involved a glass table and her mother’s relentlessness. More punishment in the form of a home remedy, because Nell would never learn. Stupid subconscious and your stupidness.

Nell wasn’t dressed as she walked out from her dorm, arms stretched above her. In fact, she still wore her pajama pants and tank top and absurdly fuzzy frog slippers. She’d just planned to lounge in the common room, and since she felt like the Earth students were her family, it wouldn’t be an odd sight. But her plans were forgotten as she heard the sobbing. At first, it came so softly that she thought it was just her imagination and the fact that she’d just woken up. But then it came louder, and her gut twisted. Walking over to where she heard the wailing, she peaked inside the door and saw a girl curled up in the corner. The sight made her throat clench and she needed no other reason to approach. But then she stopped short, crouching down a few inches from her. She didn’t want to get too close if the poor thing didn’t want that. She’s not a poor thing, Nell, don’t think like that. She’s a human being.

”What’s wrong?” she asked softly, wrapping her arms around her legs and tilting her head to the side. I come in peace, she hoped her demeanor suggested. Nell didn’t act like the girl was a wounded animal. No one wanted to be a wounded animal.

Her first guess wasn’t that a nightmare had caused a panic attack. She didn’t know this girl and what went on behind her green eyes. But she did recall her sister’s night terrors—they weren’t caused by dreams and they usually only affected younger children, but again, she didn’t know this girl really and couldn’t judge. But there was no immediate danger, and Nell finally came to recognize her. ”Your name is Deirdra, right?” she said, recognizing the girl from seeing her around. The question’s intention was to try and pull the girl away from whatever was troubling her by way of distraction.

Deirdra seemed to shy away at her approach, as if she could camoflauge herself if she tried hard enough. It almost made Nell hesitate, but then she thought if this girl wanted her to leave, she’d have screamed or something. So she at least took it as a sign that it was okay to be treading these waters.

She waited patiently, though, as the girl continued to cry, all the while wishing she knew what to do. If this was her friend and she knew how Deirdra would react, then Nell would be hugging her and rocking her gently. But she didn’t know anything about this girl, really, only that she’d seen her around and sent a smile her way sometimes. And so she didn’t want to make this girl any more uncomfortable or upset, especially since she didn’t know what was bothering her.

Instead of answering, Deirdra’s low voice informed her that no one wants to listen. Such a jaded view of the world, and Nell could feel her chest ache as her eyebrows knitted together. ”I want to listen to anything you want to say.” As if to emphasize this point, she fell back on her haunches, sitting cross-legged across from Deirdra. ”Will you tell me?” It was all up to her. If the girl wanted to be left alone, then she would do that (but most likely hover by the door to make sure she eventually got better). But if she needed an ear, then Nell would do that as well. And she really did want to know what was wrong and see if there was some way she could help. Though by the way Deirdra had said it, the girl most likely didn’t have a lot of help in her past.

Nell’s smile was soft as Deirdra confirmed her name, and it was her turn to be shocked when the other girl voiced hers. The war, Nell, it’s probably the war. Though that was quickly expunged when Deirdra revealed more information. As she seemed to retreat again, Nell leaned forward and reached out, but still hesitated to touch her. Just in case this girl didn’t like to be touched. She was always careful, it was always what the other person wanted. But Deirdra listlessly went on, and she settled back down a bit. ”Wow, you know a lot,” Nell said, and slight surprise registered in her voice. It was a little odd, but nothing wrong with oddness. ”You’re…observant, I’m guessing. That's interesting.” And it wasn't spoken with that feigned interest when someone is humoring you when you prattle on about a collection of bottle caps. Her voice was soft with actually amazement. She wasn't about to make the girl feel worse with falsities.

The girl’s question made Nell blink. She really couldn’t answer that, because she didn’t believe she was nice. Who wouldn’t be worried about a lone girl crying in her dorm? Nell refused to think that there would be no one else who wanted to reach out a hand and help Deirdra. ”I’m clearly not that nice since I haven’t spoken to you yet,” she said with a small smile. ”I’ve seen you around, though. I’m glad that I can finally meet you.” Even when you’re like this. ”And since I don’t really know anything about you…want to tell me about yourself?” Deirdra obviously knew some things about her fellow Earth student, but Nell was more interested in the other girl and how to pull her out from this episode.

Nell was unprepared when Deirdra swung and hit her fist against the wall. Heart thudding against her chest from the sudden movement, she was shocked by the next vehement words that came out of the girls mouth. What has the world done to you? She paused for a few moments after listening Deirdra’s words, now aware that something was very, very wrong. ”If that’s what you have to tell me,” Nell started off slowly, thinking of what the other girl said about pain and death. ”If that’s your story, and you want me to hear it…” She shrugged, putting her soft smile back into place. ”Then I will listen.” She fell silent, just in case Deirdra wanted her to go away. Just in case she was going to lash out again. But she still didn’t move, didn’t even move after her fist connected with the wall. Maybe it was stupid, but this girl was suffering and she wouldn’t leave her to do that alone.

So she sat right there, fingers absentmindedly tracing patterns onto the foor in-between her legs, trying not to cringe as the girl sobbed, because there was nothing she could do to help. Completely powerless, the best she could do was try to get Deirdra to talk and explain so that she wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore. Because Nell believed she was in pain, not physical, but it was definitely there somewhere else. Even though she didn’t know the girl or anything about her, she was at least sure about that. And you can’t help her. The thought hurt. There was nothing she wanted more than to reach out and somehow soothe Deirdra, not so she would feel useful or happy herself, but so the other girl wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. But no, she could only watch as the girl folded into her own body.

Nell almost jolted at the next words spoken after the silence filled only with crying. She looked into those dead eyes, her own expression soft as she tried to figure Deirdra out. No one talked to her? Yes, Nell could believe that. A lot of times when people don’t reach out to others, they won’t have anyone trying to reach back. People don’t want to talk to the loners, or to those who seem to want to be left alone to go about their business. Did she want to be alone? To Nell, it was the scariest thought, being all by herself. But some people preferred solitude. Still, she saw her lips form into a frown with those words, so that must mean something. Maybe she did want to talk, and didn’t know how. Or maybe your saving grace complex is killing all your brain cells.

Smile bright, Nell said simply. ”I’m speaking to you. And I like speaking to you.” There was a bit of worry in the back of her mind over how the girl would react to that, seeing as how she reacted to her words before. But they were honest and they were out in the open now, so there was nothing she could take back. Even though she didn’t even know if Deirdra would believe her, since she seemed so incredulous about everything Nell had said and done so far. She didn’t even know how to get through to the girl who was in the process of sobbing, but that didn’t stop her from trying. Of course not.

After the sobbing and the choking on her breath, Nell listened to the word, her face falling into an expression of confusion. What did that mean? ”You…feel alone?” she asked, her words slow and hesitant as she tried to figure out what Deirdra meant. She’d asked if she would like to talk about herself, and that’s what the girl had said. Did that mean she wanted to be alone or that she actually was alone? Nell was putting forth great effort in trying to understand her and get through somehow, and even though it looked pretty glum right now, she wouldn’t stop until she was sure Deirdra was okay. Looking at her now, I’m not sure if she’s ever okay. But she has to be, eventually. Right? ”Well, I’ll stay right here so you don’t have to feel alone. Is that all right?” Please let it be all right.

The words were cryptic and disturbing and Nell almost didn’t want to try to figure them out. She really made an honest attempt for this girl, she wanted to help Deirdra. If that meant listening to her go on about things she really didn’t understand, then so be it. She would make an effort. But really, there was no way to reply to something like that, nothing to say that would amount to anything next to those words. At least Nell figured one thing out. It might have been something to do with her father. Why else would Deirdra bring the man up when in hysterics?

Nell was unaware how much she was losing Deirdra, how bad things really were. She had no way of knowing what was filtering into the girl’s brain and what was taking over to make her like this. If she could take a peak inside the other girl’s mind, she wasn’t sure if she would want to know. Because the next little rhyme was equally as cryptic and disturbing, too. And that also went without comment, because Nell was keeping her mouth firmly shut against saying anything, not knowing the kind of reaction she’d earn.

Deirdra seeemd distracted as she moved her eyes around, and Nell patiently waited, wondering if she’d start crying again. When the girl rested her head against her knees, Nell shook her head, saying, ”I’m not lying to you,” in a soft voice, almost like a whisper. Why would she lie? You lie about everything else. Everything she’s come to be is a lie, right down to her name. But things like this, personal situations, she would never lie. It seemed so unnecessary. But Deirdra didn’t know her, so she wouldn’t know this about her. If only they were closer, then maybe Nell wouldn’t be so powerless… But she had a feeling no one was close to this girl.

Nell sat there, still in silence, tracing her patterns in the floor and letting the girl stay in silence. Because maybe that’s what she wanted. The fugitive wasn’t going to take that away from her, no matter how worried and curious it made her feel. Was this girl going to be all right? By this time, she wasn’t sure at all. She just didn’t know what to do. But she still wasn’t stopping, even when Deirdra was being strange and cryptic and unnerving, it didn’t matter. She was still upset, which meant Nell wasn’t going to leave her without making sure she was all right first.

Of course the next question was surprising. After all, who didn’t know what a hug was? You don’t know a lot of things normal people do. You can’t judge her for this. And so Nell wouldn’t judge, no matter how strange the words coming from this girl’s mouth were. ”Well, a hug is…” Nell started slowly, looking away as she tried to find the right way to phrase this. She’d never had to explain it before, so it was a little odd. But again she remembered that oddities weren’t necessarily bad. ”When you hug someone…” By now Nell thought that she should forget explaining it, and just leaned over to wrap her arms around the other girl. The grip wasn’t tight so Deirdra could move away if she wanted to, but it was firm enough to be a good example. Pulling away with an anxious smile Nell said, ”And that’s a hug. Did it make you feel better? Because that’s what it’s supposed to do.” Hugs were human contact meant for comfort, so why not provide an example of it now?

Was it getting better, Nell wondered. The girl was wiping at her face, but it still seemed like something was off. Please get better, please. Other people didn’t need to hurt, it was wrong, it was terrible. Why did Deirdra have t osuffer like this? It just wasn’t fair, but Nell knew it was how the world worked. People cried and broke all the time, it was basically a running theme. And yet she still decided to have faith in everyone out there, even after her mother taught her otherwise, even after she told Nell that the family out there would sooner have her and her sister killed than help her. Even after the warping, she knew that this world was better than what she’d come from. Nell didn’t want to be cynical. But this girl seemed already far too broken, that’s what she saw. The world was not an oppurtunity, it was a cold place. Nell wanted to communicate that it just wasn’t true, but really didn’t know how.

Maybe the hug would help? Hugs weren’t bad, bad people don’t hug (your mother hugged you after using sewing needles and threads to stitch you up). No, no, hugs were good things, Nell kept telling herself. She felt Deirdra stiffen under her touch, and she just prayed to god she was doing the right thing here and that she wasn’t being an idiot in all this. But Deirdra seemed to respond well. Or at least she thought so, because the girl could have lashed out or pushed away or done something. Nell didn’t know how she’d react because there were a lot of things she didn’t know in this situation right now. It was nearly impossible for her to understand what was going on right here, but she refused to let it scare her away.

She waited for words to form from the moving mouth, brown eyes blinking patietntly. And when the words finally did come, Deirdra sounded so naïve. And confused. And just terrible, really, which made Nell feel worse about this because she was constantly reaching at straws here, struggling to make sense of this igrl while not pushing too hard. ”Because you’re upset,” She decided to say, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear as she thought a little more. ”I don’t want you to be upset, I really don’t. And I want to help you.” Nell swallowed a bit before she said the next words, ”And there are other people who want to help. I know it may not seem that way, but there are people who care out there.”

There was always help and no one should have to think otherwise. The reason she never seeked help was because she believed there was no one out in the big scary world her mother painted for her that wanted to save her. And when your own father didn’t even want you, it seemed like there was nothing left. She had been wrong, she knew this now, and she just wished she could have realized this earlier to save her from the years of hell.

Nell listened to the girl as she said there was one person out there. One? She wondered who this was, but didn’t think she should ask. That would be prying, wouldn’t it? People didn’t like that. She surely didn’t like that, it only made her hide, covering up anything about herself with words like ‘it’s complicated’. It was the easiest excuse she’d ever found, away to avoid so many questions. Why don’t you live with your parents? It’s complicated. Why did you move to Canada? It’s complicated. How come you keep saying ‘it’s complicated’? Well, it’s complicated. And it also wasn’t lying, since it was complicated. If she said one thing, it meant going into detail about other things to make people understand. She didn’t want detail, she didn’t want people to know about the terrible things she did.

Since Deirdra didn’t elaborate, Nell guessed she didn’t want to say anything more about this person. Again, she wondered if she should press. No, no, that’s not good, Nell. ”I’m sure he misses you, too,” she decided to say, believing that it was an inocuous statement spoken out of her ignorance. A normal statement. She didn’t know who this person was, what he meant to Deirdra, their relationship—she didn’t know anything. And she didn’t need to know even though she figured it would help, but she certainly wasn’t going to dig deeper into this girl and make her even more uncomfortable than she probably already was.

These questions sort of stumped Nell, simply because she thought they were…obvious. Well, there was a lot she was ignorant of, but when it came to human emotion she thought she was pretty good. She was empathetic enough to know certain things, even without society’s help. Actually, it was society that had her hopelessly confused. ”No one should have to be upset,” she said, and Nell felt like an instruction pamphlet. ”Even a stranger on the street, or in this case, a dorm.” It was hard putting her feelings into words, to describe them to someone who seemed so naïve about them. ”I’m not going to lie and say that there aren’t people out there who wouldn’t help, but those people don’t matter.” She was pretty confident this girl didn’t need to hear more about bad people out there. ”And you know, when you’re upset, it hurts me too. Even though you’re a stranger, because…I want everyone to be happy. You deserve happiness.” Oh god, she was being such a sap. But everything she said was spoken with complete and total honesty.

Deirdra’s question sounded like an accusation, like her fellow Earth student didn’t know what she was talking about. And maybe she didn’t. Nell shrugged, not bringing her shoulders up all the way. It wasn’t a rude gesture she wanted to make, after all, like she didn’t care about the girl’s question. ”Well, you seem to love this person. And if they didn’t love you back, I don’t think you would be missing them that much, right?” They had to be important to each other, that’s what she believed. Besides, it was still a pleasantry, even though it was an honest belief on Nell’s part. She’d like to have faith in things like that.

She was at least happy to see that Deirdra was calming. There was no more sobbing and freaking out and the pang in Nell’s chest went away. It really did feel horrible when you had to watch someone crumble in front of you while you remained powerless against it. The feeling was probably the worst she’d ever experienced, more than any pain she’d went through. Even what her mother did to her was nothing compared to sitting down with someone who needed help she couldn’t give. It also made her wonder if there really was something wrong with her, that if someone else was put in her position, maybe they would have been able to help Deirdra? There was a lot of things Nell didn’t know, but she always thought as long as she gave herself to other people, that would be okay. But it wasn’t if she couldn’t do anything for the girl before her now.

Nell felt terrible that she predicted the words coming from Deirdra’s mouth, that she didn’t deserve happiness. How did she know that the girl would say something like that? Because she knew when you were at the lowest, you didn’t feel like you deserve anything. Lips twitching up into a smile, Nell said, ”I know you don’t. And thank you.” She sighed a bit, and tilted her head so she could look Deirdra straight in the eyes. ”And since you don’t want me to hurt, could you tell me anything that can help make it better?” Deirdra seemed to be calmer now, which was reassuring, but Nell knew pain like that didn’t go away instantly. It stayed with you, especially in the after effects of a breakdown. Yes, she knew that very well.