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Post by ROWENA AUDREY BENNETT on Aug 11, 2011 16:26:30 GMT -5
She couldn't get the time to take her drugs today. And when Rowena couldn't get a hold of her fix, that was when things got bad. She wasn't yet needing a hit, it wasn't life or death, but already she could feel clarity and life flooding back into her world. It scared her. She didn't want this. Rowena hated the way that it made her feel, so full of life and thoughts and caring. She didn't need to give a damn about her life and her image and the way others saw her and the fact that she lived in a shitty apartment with a hole in the door. She didn't need this, didn't want this. The girl was about ready to tear out her white blonde hair, fidgeting and casting wide blue eyes about the room. Her arms itched terribly and she could have screamed as she tried not to itch, willing, begging for this class to end. She just wanted it to end.
She practically shot from her seat and out of the door when the bell rang, rushing toward the bathrooms. She locked herself in one of the stalls and set the lid down, sitting on top of it and pretending that she was actually using the washrooms, when in reality she was fumbling with something thin and sharp in her hands. Feeling started to fade as she listened to their mindless chattering around her, the world blurring back into an alternate reality that she had fallen in love with, fallen into the clutches of. "I don't have to care when I'm here," she whispered under her breath, rocking her torso back and forth a little as she waited for the 'medication' to take full effect. She couldn't immediately leave the stall, not where there was a spot of blood on her arm and other girls in the bathroom. She stayed there for a while, and by the time the bathroom finally fell silent and the sound of footsteps faded off in the other direction, Rowena had readjusted to the apathetic feeling.
Everything was okay again.
Except that it was not okay. She left that lonely bathroom stall to be confronted with a mirror, a mirror that held a soul trapped behind it. The girl in the mirror had dull blue eyes, stringy hair and battered arms. She was a shell of a human being, skin stretched over bone and a shattered expression. Blood from a small spot in her arm had formed a half-track down her arm before it had dried and stopped. This girl was not Rowena Bennett. The middle-child of the Bennett triplets had died a long time ago, somewhere back in Britain before her life had taken a turn for the worst. Rowena should have turned away from the mirror. Mirrors were bad for her, terrible for her. She didn't like them and hated the way that they made her feel. But she didn't turn away. She stepped closer, stupidly reaching out a hand to touch her fingers against the cool glass, almost as if she was touching her hand to one of her siblings. But it was different. She wasn't as clever as Syria or as pretty as Altair.
"You're worthless," the Bennett child told the girl in the mirror, expression contorting. Her shirt had rode up slightly with the movement of her arm, and icy blue eyes glared at her bony stomach. "You're fat." She brought her gaze back up to the eyes of her reflection. "Who could ever love you?" A strangled sob brushed past her lips, Rowena licking them and shaking her head vehemently. "I don't want to be fat. I can't be fat." Staring down into the drain of the sink, it might as well have been a black whole threatening to swallow her up. The girl took a shuddering breath, then stuck her fingers down her throat. The sound was not pretty. The sight was not elegant. But she needed this.
Needed something.
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Post by xmarci on Aug 12, 2011 10:31:55 GMT -5
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding-left:16px; padding-top:0px; padding-right:0px; padding-bottom:0px; background-image:url(http://i51.tinypic.com/2nbr3oi.jpg) ] Dierdra Rosewood AND I STILL WONDER WHY HEAVEN HAS DIED - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A good day.
Well, not really. Deirdra didn't have good days, she didn't think. She saw lots of other kids going around with smiles on their faces and no cares in the world, and she knew for certain that she was not having a good day. When she'd been younger, knowing for certain that no one cared to look at her, she would try to imitate the girl who walked around giggling about one thing or another. But she just couldn't figure it out. It was rather impossible for her to find the same amount of mirth in the presence of a guy, or something like that.
But today was not a bad day. It had been one of the few mornings where she'd slept the whole night through without a nightmare. She had not yet had a panic attack or an episode of lunacy, and she was actually able to walk through the halls without having insults thrown her way. Deirdra didn't want to jinx herself, but she wondered whether this was the start of something better. Perhaps things would continue like this?
Though she had to use the bathroom as much as any other girl, she tended to wait until the times with low traffic. Standing in a cramped space with several other people she didn't know was not her idea of a good time. Even though it rarely made her go off on a crazy, she still didn't like the itchy feeling she got on the back of her neck, the reflexive clenching of her abdominal muscles. So she waited, often lingering outside the room until there was a time when several people left and no one went in. It wasn't fool proof, but it was compulsive.
This time, though, she was surprised by what she saw. Her immediate action when she entered any room was to scope out who and how many were in there, but this time her eyes paused on the girl by the sink. Rowena, right? Deidra didn't really know anyone at the school, but she was observant enough to pick up on things. She paused just inside the room, one pale hand reaching out to touch the wall lightly as she watched, silent as a ghost.
Apparently, she'd missed a bit. But she heard the last bit of what the thunder girl said before she bent down and stuck her fingers down her throat. Aside from a slight tilt of the head, Deirdra did not react, only watching what came after. Then, after a few seconds, she took a few steps forward and surveyed the scene with eyes almost as dull as this other girl's. Her mouth opened slightly, then she asked, ”What are you doing?” It was not accusing, or judgmental at all. Based on the tone and the look in the earth girl's eyes, the question was sincere and a little bit curious. She really didn't know what that was. |
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Post by ROWENA AUDREY BENNETT on Aug 12, 2011 11:23:36 GMT -5
Rowena heard the other girl almost immediately, but she did not turn around right away. Instead, dull blue optics flicked upward and surveyed the mirror, saw someone else in the picture it produced. She didn't recognise her, had never met her before. The girl was probably a little older based on her looks, but she couldn't tell exactly how much, and she wouldn't have cared even if she did have such premonitions. The girl was pretty, too, even if she wasn't showing it off like some people did. An example of one of those 'some' would be her twin sister, Altair. She was confident, pretty, and angry enough to stand up for herself in every situation. Rowena felt as if she paled in comparison to her. Syria was much the same way, though for different reasons. Syria was bubbly, she could interact with others, and she wasn't quite so horribly messed up and destroyed as Rowena. Of course, the Thunder elemental didn't know about a lot of things that her sisters kept from her. If she had, maybe her self-worth wouldn't be so shot to hell.
"Throwing up," she said with a roll of her eyes, as if she thought the question was metaphorical. Despite the tone that the unfamiliar woman had used, Rowena was not taking her seriously because she thought that everyone was aware of what this was. It might have been an ugly and stupid way of dealing with her self-image, but it was obvious, right? She didn't know what the other girl was like. She couldn't fathom what she was dealing with. "What does it look like I'm doing?" She wasn't going out of her way to sound like a bitch, Rowena was just bitter and self-absorbed.
She'd had a personality once. As a child, Rowena Bennett had acted like a lot of children had--she'd been a fun kid, a playful kid. She would stick by her sisters more than anyone else, of course, but that didn't mean she wouldn't socialise outside of their little circle. Mummy and Daddy had loved her back then, there had been a roof over her head and a whole lot of love surrounding them. And of course, she'd always had her sisters. Syria and Altair meant the world to Rowena. They still did, but it was different now. One by one, they'd all grown up and fallen off that invisible wagon that was stability. Syria'd went first. Rowena wasn't sure what had happened to Kyrie and why she'd been strangled, only that it had absolutely destroyed her triplet in a horrible way. That had been their start of darkness. She'd been next, and ever since then... well, look at what the drugs had done to her. A blue gaze was listless as she finally turned away from the mirror to fully confront the girl.
"What do you want?" she asked bluntly, her British accent accusing. She didn't filter her words or attempt to sound any nicer than she was. Rowena was a very blunt person by default--she might not have been too confrontational or violent, but she didn't really hide her intentions behind a soft voice and a girlish giggle. "It's the toilets, it's not a bloody zoo." Did she actually care that this girl was standing here and witnessing such a private moment of hers? Well, no. Not really. Rowena was self-conscious and she hated herself, but it was mostly just that--self hatred. She didn't really feel too phased by the idea of this girl watching her, she was just irritated by the presence of another person when she didn't know what the hell they'd came into the bathroom for save to stand and stare.
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Post by xmarci on Aug 12, 2011 15:04:01 GMT -5
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding-left:16px; padding-top:0px; padding-right:0px; padding-bottom:0px; background-image:url(http://i51.tinypic.com/2nbr3oi.jpg) ] Dierdra Rosewood AND I STILL WONDER WHY HEAVEN HAS DIED - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Though anyone else would have been put off by the other girl's tone, Deirdra hardly even noticed. Yes, she picked up on other people's moods very quickly, but she had no reason to be wary around this girl. A harsh tone was hardly something to worry about. She inclined her head a little bit more when Rowena spoke, not really wondering why she decided to start the obvious, but still a little intrigued by the fact that it was that simple. Her emotionless expression did not change, her hand did not move from the wall behind her. Obviously she was waiting for something more.
”Throwing up.” Deirdra answered when Rowena asked her what it had looked like. Poor girl, she didn't know a rhetorical question when she heard one. But she paused, her naturally quiet persona somehow gaining more curiosity as she looked the thunder girl over one more time. Interest was the only thing readable in the deep green eyes. Finally, she opened her mouth and asked another question. ”You are you throwing up?”
Of course, she knew enough about the world—and especially about maladies of the body—to understand many of the reasons a person would get nauseous and toss everything they'd had that day. She'd just never seen anyone do it on purpose, not for any reason. It had never occurred to her to do as such. Which was odd, because it had occurred to her to do almost everything else imaginable to herself. Now she was intrigued, and she had to know for what reason a person would do that? Was it the same as cutting?
”I don't want anything.” She said, honest and blunt. Sometimes she lied, when she didn't like a person or when she was trying to get herself out of something that scared her. But right now she felt better than usual, and there was nothing she could get by lying. Something twisted in her mind, and before she could hold it back, she said, ”I want things, but I never get what I want.” It was muttered, under her breath, and with it came a furtive expression. But it passed soon enough, as she bit her tongue to keep herself from continuing. |
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Post by ROWENA AUDREY BENNETT on Aug 13, 2011 8:18:29 GMT -5
Rowena's glower strengthened when the girl responded to the rhetorical question, figuring that it was her way of mocking the blonde with all her problems. She didn't realise that the girl didn't understand that it hadn't been meant to be answered. However, Rowena also didn't respond at all. Altair probably would have been headstrong and slammed this girl's face into the mirror or something, even Syria likely wouldn't have let something that was bothering her slide, but Rowena didn't say a thing. She often hated herself for this--passivity, that's what it was. It wasn't that she was scared to act, she just didn't have enough energy or caring to do anything. It was a stupid reason not to act, but it was her reason.
Blue eyes blinked at the stranger for a moment. Was she serious about that question, Rowena wondered, or was she just pulling a girl's leg? Rowena couldn't see any reason to ask such a thing even if you were trying to mock someone. There was something in this girl's expression that made her believe, if only for the moment, that she really was as clueless as she made herself out to be. The Brit snorted softly in contempt, then replied with brutal honesty, "Because I'm fat." Her tone was not laced with tears or choked with emotions. It was flat and dead and very matter-of-fact. "No one likes you if you're fat. No one will pay attention to you if you're fat." So, completely shameless, she turned back to the sink and forced herself to throw up again. There was a pitiful gasp of pain for a moment, but she spat and then turned back to the other girl as if nothing had happened.
There was something off about the muttering, and maybe if she had been sober enough to give a damn about the world Rowena might have noticed. Instead, she just gave a cold sort of laugh. "No one does," she replied. "No one gets what they want unless they're pretty enough for the world. Then they just take, take, take, and they leave everyone else behind in the dust." It was frightening how much Rowena seemed to believe her own words, expression contorting into a dull and contemptuous rage. Other than her sister, who could do almost no wrong in Rowena's eyes, the girl was fiercely jealous of the bold and the beautiful. She'd been a gorgeous model once, able to charm and to get what she wanted by flashing a smile and pulling her shirt down just a tad. She couldn't do that any more, and thus she envied all that could.
"If you don't get what you want, you have to take it," she said with a dark sort of conviction. "Steal it, even. Those fuckin' bastards have too much of a good thing. They don't deserve what they have." Both hands were gripping the edge of the counter as she leaned forward against it slightly, watching the girl in the mirror so as not to have to turn around. Rowena was actually trembling slightly, her weak frame seemingly unable to handle the stress that the girl was putting it through. The blonde Brit hardly noticed.
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Post by xmarci on Aug 16, 2011 10:23:22 GMT -5
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding-left:16px; padding-top:0px; padding-right:0px; padding-bottom:0px; background-image:url(http://i51.tinypic.com/2nbr3oi.jpg) ] Dierdra Rosewood AND I STILL WONDER WHY HEAVEN HAS DIED - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This thunder girl didn't seem amused. Deirdra considered with scientific apathy the small yet significant changes her words were causing in the other girl. This seemed both a big deal and nothing at all at the same time. Though the earth student was not the type to try and force conversation in order to learn something, there was a natural curiosity to her, which was piqued by this strange ritual. It was like cutting, only different. It was something a person could do in secret, and not have any scars left over for people for talk her down for.
”You're not fat.” She said after a second of looking hard at Rowena. There was nothing in her voice that seemed to intend to make Rowena feel better about herself; it was simply another fact that Deirdra decided was true. Both girls were very skinny, Deirdra for one reason, Rowen for another. There was very little fat content in that bathroom just then. Still, she tilted her head a bit, ignoring completely the repeated retching. ”I never wanted them to. Caring is bad. It's better to be a shadow, a shell, a nothing.”
It might have been a little less creepy if Deirdra had hugged herself as she spoke, or started shaking and looked upset. But no, she was completely stable, looking aloof and unperturbed as she spoke the horrible words which she thought were the truth. She could see in this girl in front of her a craving for the attention and love of people around her, but she could not fathom why. Rowena continued with her speech about people being pretty, and getting what they wanted because of then, and Deirdra felt unbidden rage rise up within her. It was just a trickle, from a wall that had been cracked recently, but she had to bite her tongue.
Everything in the poor earth student's life had told her that to be pretty was to ask others to hurt her. Her father's voice ran unbidden through her mind, her memory forcing into the forefront of her mind all the times he had called her his pretty, his beautiful. It was always right before he'd rape her. There was nothing good to be gained from being attractive. And though she didn't much care what happened to other people, this Rowena had certainly set something off.
Fortunately, Deirdra was able to keep a facade of apathy on the outside. She didn't want this emotion, she didn't like it. So she took the time and effort to shove it away again and throw up more walls. It was too much trouble, and too much pain. Being alone and nothing was so much better. After a few seconds, she was able to open her mouth and speak with the same indifferent tone she had used before. ”I want to hurt, and to hate.” She said, her eyes growing dark as she looked at the blue eyes in the mirror, ”I want the power to kill.” |
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Post by ROWENA AUDREY BENNETT on Aug 16, 2011 12:24:42 GMT -5
Rowena just spat out a hollow laugh. "Yeah, right. That's what they all say." Glancing back up at the mirror and the reflection of herself, Rowena could see the chunkiness that meant that no one else could love her. Her arms were too big, her stomach had a bulge, she hated her thighs. The girl hated everything about herself and the sad thing was that she was too apathetic to really do anything about it. Someone had suggested counselling in the past and she'd stared at them as if they were crazy. "I don't care what you say," she said without feeling. "I don't care what anyone says. I can see it." Her blue eyes narrowed at the expression in the mirror, loathing the reflection that glared right back at her. She could see it all, the ugliness and the hate. "It's always there." The bulimia was one of the only things that made her feel, and the feeling was of the most intense self-hatred she could muster. It was terrible, it was destructive. But she was right.
It was always there.
So she clung to it. It was bad for her, immeasurably horrific to consider destroying herself in such an effective way, but she did it anyway. The girl needed help, she needed counselling, but she wouldn't get it. This was a problem that she couldn't face on her own, an issue that even the words of her own sisters wouldn't be able to cure. The sad thing was that her sisters didn't even try. None of them tried for each other. They all knew the three were fucked up in the worst ways imaginable, but they didn't try. Deirdra didn't know any of this. Rowena doubted she'd have gave a damn. There was so much apathy in the other girl that it was astounding.
The other girl started to go on about shadows and shells, but Rowena wasn't really listening. She was somewhat self-absorbed, she really didn't care about others. Not to mention the fact that this girl seemed somewhat psychotic. "Whatever," she said, the two syllables echoing through the bathroom. She was unaffected by the frightening apathy of Deirdra, because Rowena herself was so broken that she hardly noticed it even when she glanced at the other girl in the reflection.
The words of the other girl should have scared her. She should have realised how psychotic and fucked up that Deirdra was, and she should have ran from it. Any normal person would have realised how bad those words were and the fact that the Earth student just might have meant them, but Rowena did not. All she did was blink. "Then take that power," she said quietly. There was a darkness to the apathy now, a coldness. Rowena didn't care who got hurt and who died, really, as long as you stayed the hell away from her siblings. "What's stopping you?"
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Post by xmarci on Aug 17, 2011 11:46:36 GMT -5
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding-left:16px; padding-top:0px; padding-right:0px; padding-bottom:0px; background-image:url(http://i51.tinypic.com/2nbr3oi.jpg) ] Dierdra Rosewood AND I STILL WONDER WHY HEAVEN HAS DIED - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Rowena was messed up. Rowena was maybe on par with Deirdra. Maybe. The saddest thing was, Deirdra found herself completely not caring. At this moment, the only thing she cared about was trying to understand the reasoning behind forcing oneself to hurl. Though she knew how, the thought had never occurred to her. Was there a relief when one did it? A release? Could she possibly do this to feel better? These questions whirled around her mind, but the earth student voiced none of them. Rowena was far too absorbed in herself to answer things like that.
The hand, still resting on the wall, curled absently into a fist, Deirdra's dull green eyes moved from Rowena, to her hand, to her feet, to the toilets, which she still needed to use, and back to the thunder girl in front of her. Then they slid to the side a bit. To the side, and a little bit down. They met themselves, staring at her in the mirror with no soul, and no feeling. Physically, she may have been healthy. She never got sick, not with the flu or a cold or anything like that. But when she looked between herself and Rowena, she knew which one looked worse.
So pale, dear flower, so, so sickly. Why can you not hold onto an ounce of color? Must I always fix it....fix it myself?
The voice made Deirdra shudder, her eyes closing lightly. She could have sworn a large, rough hand was pulling the wild hairs out of her face. But when she finally opened her eyes again, no one was there. It was just a memory. Biting her tongue, she forced herself to stave away the pain and the emotion. It would do her no good. She listened to the urging and question of the girl in front of her, and she found that she had no answer. To say that it was her father she wanted to kill, and that it would take year of experience and power to gain an upper hand, was impossible. Deirdra didn't, couldn't do it. So she just ducked her head a bit, and murmured, ”Everything, everything and nothing.” |
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