JUMPING OFF OF THE EDGE , [tagged: nell!]

”Naughty, naughty, you heard what your mother said,” Nell chided when he asked her if she wanted to see how fast it went. ”And for the record: let’s burn some rubber.” It was a Lambo, how could you not go fast in it? Such a thing would be a sin, considering the things were built for speed. And Nell wasn’t the best in deterring reckless behavior since she was quite fond of it. Ever since she was a child, it was sneaking out at night and doing things that could have quite possibly gotten herself killed. One could say every decision in her life was reckless, or at least rash—nothing had ever been planned out in her head. It was thinking on her feet and not of the consequences. So going far above the speed limit in a car she wanted like a nympho wanted sex? Hell to the yeah. Her hands were braced against the dash in excitement, grinning and giggling like an idiot. Her thoughts mainly consisted of excited jibberish while she couldn’t get anything from her mouth considering the fact that her giggling was also a kind of nervous reflex, the one someone got before doing something incredible stupid and dangerous. Like speeding down a highway. And clearly, Josh was enjoying the thrill ride as well, considering he rolled his window down like he was a dog in need of air. She half expected him to stick his head out the window with his tongue hanging out. Nell’s response to him was more giggling—well actually, it was now full-blown laughing. She’d never actually been in a car this fast, her PT Cruiser could barely get above eighty, and it was just too damn cool.

Even the donut was simply exhilerating, and she never once thought that maybe it may not have been the safest thing to be doing in a goddamn Lambo. She wanted to tell him ‘yeah, captain obvious’ but she only got out a, Yep, yep!” Nell threw her hands up excitedly, forgetting just how low the roof was and whacking her hand against it. Trying to resist a smile, she said, ”I’m sorry I punched your baby.” The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind that he should have asked before he pulled a Dukes of Hazzard routine, because as far as Nell was concerned, Lambos came straight from heaven and therefore could do anything and it would be completely all right. No danger whatsoever. ”Too fast? I don’t think you were doing this car justice, homes,” she said slyly, even though there was practically no way they could have gone faster without breaking the sound barrier. She simply grinned as he said he’d ask next time, as if she would at all object to showing off this baby’s speed. If you had a Lambo, you did what Lambos do—drive fast and look cool. Simple as that. Of course, she was also fascinated by the inner mechanisms and the engine she could see through the back and all that good stuff. But simply having a thrill ride was more than enough for her car-enthusiast heart.

Nell peered out the window toward the house, and said, ”Let’s do it.” Crashing parties wasn’t something new to her—well, it wasn’t technically crashing since a lot of house parties traveled by word of mouth and people just flooded in. You didn’t go around handing out invitations for parties that consisted of booze and a crap stereo system. It was a way to have fun, which is why she didn’t drink too often. And apparently tonight would be one of those sober nights, considering there were no unopened packs or kegs (she always wondered where people got those things, though she knew theft was probably the answer). Josh said he wasn’t going to drink either, and even though she didn’t say anything like ‘good’ or ‘I’m glad’, she was relieved considering she didn’t know which side of Josh would come out this time if he got drunk. Happy Josh, stabby Josh, maybe there was an uncontrollably sobbing over nothing Josh… She didn’t really know how many different drunken personalities he had. As for her, it was more enjoyable to watch others make dicks out of themselves when stone-cold sober. So long as they weren’t getting themselves hurt or anything, she didn’t think it was that cruel to laugh at someone who decided a lampshade would be a rather spiffy head accessory.

Gun shots were not an unfamiliar sound to her. Growing up in The Bronx, it was odd when you didn’t hear some going off in the night. So upon the instant recognition of the sound, her instant reflex was to duck down and look for something to crawl underneath, not even wondering why or how someone brought a gun to a party. That’s what she and Tilly used to do, anyway, for fear a bullet may go astray and break through the window. And like those times, her heartbeat was sounding in her head, an internal drumming rocking her body. But then she noticed that there were other people hurt, and even though she should have had the ‘everyone for themselves’ mindset, she couldn’t help but stand up and try to make her way over to where she should have been running away from, as if she could somehow help. Now was one of the worst times to have a hero complex.

She guessed it was a good thing Josh was there to pull her away, even though his words barely registered above panic and terror. Guns meant violence and death and scary things that Nell didn’t ever want to think about. And here it was, right in front of her. Looking over at Josh, she could see through her own haze of fear that he was also panicking, like everyone else in the house who were trying to leave. She didn’t even remember how she got to the car, and unlike earlier, she was barely aware of the speed they were traveling at. But the cops were aware. And just as she thought she could calm down—the thumping of her heart was steadily slowing—she heard the sirens, and it was an all-new wave of panic. One that kept her stock-still in the seat, forcing herself not to look back at the cop car as if they would see her and recognize her as a criminal. Her mind was frantic, going along with thoughts of crap, crap, crap, they’re going to arrest me and hand me over to Interpol and deport me and I’m going to trial and I’ll be thrown in jail. Though Josh apparently thought once they turned down a seemingly safe road they’d be home-free, another cruiser was there to cut them off and holy hell, do they have precognition or what? She didn’t need any further instruction to jump and almost face-plant as she left the Lambo, unable to take time and admire the scissor doors like she usually did. This is what she’d come to: now it wasn’t just the thought of the fuzz coming after her, they were physically present and hunting both her and Josh.

It didn’t take long for the policemen to catch up to them and pull out their guns. Did they think they had anything to do with the gun? Josh’s speeding sure didn’t help to steer suspicion away from them. Nell swung around with wide eyes, and said in a small voice, ”Please don’t do that.” As if that would get them to holster their guns. ot knowing what else she should do, she dropped to her knees and put her hands behind her head. It may have been overdramatic, but this was something like she had always imagined it. So there was no more running for her—she would be thrown in jail, and once they figured out who she was, it’d be off to America. And Josh would be going down with her, especially since he was the one who was speeding. But it was out of panic and fear like any reasonable person. Well, maybe not any reasonable person. Once out of range of the gunman, most would have slowed down, but Josh had seemed terribly frightened. It didn’t even occur to her that them getting caught up in this was technically his fault for wanting to crash the party in the first place—and she’d never blame him for an event he couldn’t foresee. All she could think about was the fact that there was no more stalling and that reality was now a hard kick to the gut. She didn’t even argue her innocence in the whole gun-fiasco and speeding deal—it just wasn’t worth it. Amazing how easily she just gave up in a time like this, and she had a feeling this would be how it felt in a trial.

Whereas Nell of course laughed at his joke, she was surprised to see him crack up. Stoic Josh laughing this hard was quite an amazing sight, and she wished she had a camera to preserve this moment in time. Even though it was one of the strangest things she’d ever seen, she was also glad to see him smiling and happy. ”A mountain…” She scrunched her eyebrows together as if considering this. ”Well, I guess it’s worth a try.” It didn’t take much to impress Nell, actually, but a shiny car would always do the trick. And she was always greatly impressed with Josh, and not only because of all the money—the fact that he even put up with her impressed her. So she didn’t think driving off a cliff was necessary. She didn’t like adrenaline that much, even though she could say she loved doing reckless and stupid things a lot. Well, as long as no one else would get hurt. But a lot of her decisions were instinct-based and logic rarely came into the picture.

But the whole fun, stupid thing was shot—she couldn’t even find pleasure in the pun—absolutely to hell that night. While Josh vocally displayed his distress with a string of swear words, she retreated inside her head and tried her best not to let any fear show. It wasn’t like Josh hadn’t seen worse from her—he’d seen much, much worse—but she’d rather not fall apart just because she was scared of getting shot. However, when she heard Josh’s voice, she looked over with concern apparent in her face. ”I’m not hurt,” she said quickly, so as to brush any worry aside, ”but are you okay?” Well, it was normal for someone to freak out in a situation but she was seriously worried about him, and not just for fear that he got injured. It’s just that she’d never seen him like that before, and it kind of scared her. Well, more so that she already was at this time. And of course through panic and terror she would feel concern like that for someone. She didn’t know whether or not that was a good or bad thing, and at that moment she wasn’t thinking enough to try and figure it out. Who would actually think at a time like this? Most were just falling back onto basic swim or sink instinct. Like them.

”Fine, fine,” she reassured him hastily, more intent on getting the fuck away from the police. She knew just how screwed she’d be if they caught her. It wouldn’t take long for them to figure out who she was and that her papers were forged and all the stuff she’d been lying about for months. All because of something she had nothing to do with. And somehow, she just knew it would end up like this. Even though she thought she was good at running—as she was proving now but also metaphorically—in the back of her mind the pessismist told her she couldn’t play keep away from the law forever. That thought only intensified when her father showed up and started talking about trial and how she’d eventually have to go back. She didn’t want to go back. She just wanted to keep running, very, very far away, so she decided to ignore the fact that her lungs were struggling to take in breath and pushed on. Thank god she had kept herself in shape, otherwise she’d have collapsed long ago.

Drop my weapons? Yeah, like Nell carried weapons on her person. But when Josh objected, she simply thought he didn’t carry around the blade anymore. She was wrong. They pulled it out, and she felt terrible for Josh. She’d grown used to the fact that he carried it around—after what he’d been through, she had no objections to such a thing—but to the police, of course it would seem suspicious. The police. She noticed that there were more cops. Oh dear god, there were more cops. There was no way she’d be getting off now, she was completely screwed. They were both completely screwed. Josh’s lambo would be impounded, even if they didn’t find anything in the car, and the two of them would be thrown in jail, and god only knows what his parents would do. And what about her father? He wouldn’t object to her being deported, it wasn’t like he whole-heartedly agreed with her stalling plan. Not that he was technically her father, but legally he could claim guardianship. That was a terrible thought for her, and there was no way to distract herself from it now. If she shifted her eyes, she’d just see the guns and the police and it’d mae it even worse. ”Erm, could you uh…maybe put the guns away?” Nell realized how pathetic this sounded, because why would law enforcement even listen to her?

They were being arrested. Literally getting arrested. She hated the feeling of cuffs around her wrists, the feeling of being powerless and imprisoned. It was enough to make her throat close up and she tried not to squeeze her eyes shut instinctively. She was going to jail. She was going to fucking jail. Just don’t start freaking out in Spanish, else they’ll deport you to Mexico instead, she thought bitterly, as if dry humor could somehow make this better. So she rather expertly bit back her ramblings that would have been in the other language. Instead, her body shook a bit like one of those small dogs. Being put into the back of the car was not good either because the sight of the fence-like barrier made her think of prison and that was where she would be going for possibly her entire life. Swallowing before she looked over to Josh and attempted a smile, Nell said softly, ”Don’t apologize, it isn’t your fault. Not like you can see into the future.” Then, in case he was thinking of arguing with her about it, she continued in the same soft tone (it’s kind of hard to get words out when you’re freaking inside your head), ”And there will be no more apologizing, kay?” There was no way she’d blame him for this, it wasn’t even on the map for her. If she did blame him and felt bitter about this whole ordeal, it would make her a worse person than she already was, and she wouldn’t do that to Josh. But it was hard to be breezy and convincing when you were cuffed and about to be hauled off to jail.

Nell might have laughed at Josh’s answer any other time. It was like a constant thing between them, Josh always being ‘fine’. But this was not funny, not in the least. Actually, the answer only made her more worried. Sure, she didn’t want to get hurt—but more importantly, she didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. If it was a matter of her life or someone else’s, that other person would win out no matter what. But Josh was clearly panicked and wanted to get away, and she didn’t want to keep him there. Of course, going with Josh would win out in the end, but she couldn’t help but feel sick that she left anyone who had gotten hurt, even though there would be nothing she could do to help, save getting shot herself. The feeling of powerlessness was strong, and it was one of the things she hated the most. It made her think of things that are better left underneath the layers over her mind, made her relive experiences that she liked to forget about. Her life had always been a testament to how powerless and weak one human being could be, as well as how vicious and destructive another could be to that powerless person.

There were so many reasons why she didn’t blame Josh for any of this, that she wanted to list them off to him and count them on her fingers. But currently, she was busy trying not to think of how closed-in she was, how the cuffs chafed at her skin, how the back seat was so small, and how the doors were locked—it was just a combination of all the things that made her squeeze her eyes shut and imagine she was in a wide-open field. Jail is going to be worse. The thought came unbidden, and she didn’t want to acknowledge just how true it was. Instead, she thought of why she couldn’t bring herself to feel any bitterness toward Josh, why she didn’t jab her finger at him—which was physically impossible in this case—and tell him off for being a reckless asshole. For one, he wasn’t the one to bring the gun. He had panicked and his instinct had been that of flight, and she had a feeling such an intense reaction wasn’t just because guns were scary. She could tell the signs of anxiety and terror, they weren’t too hard to miss. Right now he seemed more withdrawn, but his reactions spoke of just how scared he was, even though he was usually good at covering such things. Why in the world would she blame him? True, it was because of his driving that they were going to jail, but Nell wouldn’t allow herself to blame him for anything.

She felt her stomach twisting and turning like it was alive inside her body when they were taken to the station. But she reminded herself this is what she deserved, bullied herself in her mind. She was a criminal, this is what eventually would have to happen. This is how they treated people like her—even though they didn’t know who she was, she predicted this is what would have happened if she hadn’t run away from that hospital and she had been put into police custody. Before the trial, during the trial, after the trial—she’d be sitting in a cell, just wasting away. Even the thought of it brought her close to tears, such a foreign concept she wouldn’t have considered before her nervous breakdown. However, she didn’t have to think about it when the cell was closed, and she felt the real, instant anxiety set in. It’s so small. It reminded her of her old house, the place that used to be a prison for her. With fears and phobias like this, it didn’t even matter that it was different back then, and she wouldn’t be abused in jail or anywhere else. It was a deep-seated issue, one of the few that managed to push past her walls, while others thrived and congealed buried in her psyche.

And she hated what she thought when Josh hugged her, because it was incredibly selfish. Nell was glad to have him. She couldn’t even say it out loud because she felt absolutely terrible for even considering that. No, she shouldn’t be glad that her friend was in jail. ”Stop it,” she scolded lightly in a hushed voice. It is so tiny and I’m locked inside. It was hard to find more words to say when her mind felt that it needed to shut down. ”You were scared, so stop beating yourself up, okay?” She wanted to move away and cling to the bars as if she could melt through them, but more than that she wanted to be near Josh because of that terrible thought she had that it was nice to have him. And she was freaking the fuck out, though all she did was cross her arms and frown slightly. Don’t dissolve into a quivering puddle, and you’ll be all right. ”Is there any reason…why? That you were uh…” Hopefully he got what she meant, because right then she was finding it difficult to organize words in her head. It was just a suspicion, because she’d never seen him panic like that before and he had sped down the street even when away from immediate danger. Something like that spoke of an anxiety disorder, maybe. Like the one she had with being in enclosed spaces with locked doors. Or cells. Oh god, she might puke.

She gave a short laugh at his question, though her smile wasn’t even reaching her eyes and it came out weird. The walls are so close. And there’s bars. I don’t want to be here for the rest of my life. ”No, not my real name.” Nell spoke low so other people didn’t hear. It wasn’t even worth keeping from Josh, since, he knew about the whole murder deal. ”Shepherd isn’t my real last name, it’s Sinclair Fuentes. I uh…changed it when I was eating shepherd’s pie.” She couldn’t even laugh at that, even though it was funny looking back to the moment she decided to abandon her family name. ”Just gave them my name and liscense.” Forged liscense like her forged papers, and she thought of the list of crimes she’d committed: murder, eluding the police, illegal immigration, forging papers, underage bartending, ohmygod I’m a terrible person. ”Unless they look for it, they won’t realize that I’m…not supposed to be in this country…” Light way of putting it, but she was in the process of speaking through panic and her chest constricting and did the walls just move closer? She felt physically sick now, and unlike other times, she couldn’t successfully steer her mind away when her fear was surrounding her.

Nell blinked at his question, and she was momentarily stunned out of her fear. Uh…well… He seemed sheepish, but when he looked back at her she decided to answer. ”Because I think you’re a good person, Josh,” she stated simply, still surprised that he’d even have to ask a question like that. ”And I like you. And after what you’ve done for me how can I not forgive you? I mean…you can still stand me, and that’s just odd.” Not only was it in her nature to be forgiving, but she really did hold him in high esteem. Perhaps more than she should have, considering how they met. They didn’t start off on a bad foot, they started off on a broken leg. But after he took her side during the war and comforted her when she was at her worst and kept such a terrible secret for so long, it was kind of hard to think anything bad of him. She honestly didn’t think he’d stick by her when he found out she was a murderer, that anyone would stick by her, but he proved her absolutely wrong. Nell shrugged, looking down as she tried to ignore the walls and stop imagining them closing in on her. Honestly, prison would be something worse than death for her, but she’d never blame Josh if she ended up incarcerated. ”Even if things do turn out bad, I won’t think any less of you.” And that was that.

Nell tilted her head as he seemed to struggle with his words, but waited patiently. Well, as patiently as she could when she wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor and bawl like a baby. Really, the only thing stopping her from doing that was because she didn’t want to look so pathetic and the floors were very grimy. So instead, she stood there trembling and crossing her arms as if they could hold her in one piece. Don’t look at the walls. She believed if she just kept her eyes to the floor—and at least this wouldn’t be rude, as Josh wasn’t looking at her either—she could forget about the fact that she was in a jail cell locked from the outside. That may have been one of the scariest things about it. She couldn’t get out, she was trapped, just as she’d been her entire life and the flow of memories were merely impossible to staunch in a place like this. However, now she could sense the walls around her—maybe it was just psychological, or her fear speaking, or whatever—she realized there was no way to ignore it. No escape. He finally answered in the positive, and she wondered if he’d explain. Nell didn’t understand why it had taken so long for him to even admit that, but she would give him all the time he needed to say what he wanted to.

She nodded as he told her it was the gun. Nell had a feeling that was it. Well, guns were scary in general. They hurt people, and hurting people was not good—that’s the simplistic way it filtered through her mind. But when he talked about them, he looked almost…vulnerable. After he cut himself off, she realized there was an underlying reason, just as she’d thought. Nell pushed her own fear aside to reassure him in her quiet voice, ”It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.” It was clearly something difficult for him to think about, as some memories were for people. Understanding this, laughing at him was the last thing on her mind. No, what was on her mind was concern that he would have a panic attack, even though it should have been the fact that she was holding back one of her own. It’s locked from the outside, I’m going to be sick. As she was trying desperately to work past her dread, Josh admitted something that shocked her again. Well, she did have a feeling that he might have been involved, but she didn’t think he’d admit to actually being in this gang. ”I had a feeling, since they say…the only way out is in a body bag.” The words came slowly since she was still resisting the urge to curl up in a ball and because that was just so terribly morbid. But Josh already knew that, since he was once a gangbanger. Oh. Oh god. They’d killed someone, and he must have been there for it. Her stomach twisted in another feeling other than fear—it wasn’t really sympathy or pity, just sadness that he had to go through something like that. ”Thanks for telling me.” Was the thanks necessary? She didn’t know, but she felt that she should say it since he thought of her as someone he could share that with.

It hurt to listen to him be so honest about something like this, and she couldn’t imagine how terrible it must have been for Josh. Her chest was in physical pain, and she was still trying to make the damn cell go away in her mind. Just the way he said it made her feel so terrible, now realizing how bad it must have been for him tonight. There was really no way to respond to such a thing, even for someone who was naturally empathetic. This time she was the one doing the hugging, and when she wrapped her arms around his waist, she felt him shaking and felt even worse for Josh. It was the first time she’d ever initiated such a thing, and she didn’t know how he’d respond when he was like this, but she didn’t really care, either. She was scared, he was scared, they could be scared together. When she drew back and wrapped her arms back around herself—because really, it was getting hard to stand up and that floor was looking more and more enticing by the minute—Nell tried her hand at a smile. ”You’ve given me a reason to forgive you even more, Josh.” Not like he had been only half-way forgiven before, but she now knew the reason behind the panic. If he still thought there was even a little voice of doubt in her mind about forgiving him, then he was very, very wrong. A deep-routed fear like his only made her want to take what he’d been through away, but it wasn’t possible and that made her sad.

It seemed the fact that the police may not look into her gave him a glimmer of hope, and she wanted to work off that optimism since her own had pretty much vanished. She could see the world as half-full most of the time—but not in these conditions, not when the small space was making her think of bad things, terrible things… Her eyes widened when he told her how he’d take the fall for her. ”You…you shouldn’t do that,” she said, her eyebrows drawn together. The prospect of going to prison her entire life was more than terrifying, but… ”I don’t want you to go to jail, either.” It was spoken with almost childlike simplicity, like a daughter telling her father she didn’t want him to leave for work wanted him to stay and play. Bad train of thought, Nell… Of course, it would only be reasonable since—even though she didn’t blame him at all—it had been him driving and him with the switchblade. She would never sacrifice someone in place of her. The reassurance that they couldn’t do much to him didn’t help much. She was still desperate to find a way to get both of them off the hook, and she was about to suggest a Shawshank type escape through the plumbing when he said something that made her brain try to rewind over the words. ”Your gun?” she asked with confusion. He’d used my, not a, and this made her quite a bit worried and goddamnit, the walls are so close and I can’t breathe… ”Why…would you have a gun?”

Nell didn’t think Josh was a perfect person, no one was. ”Everyone has flaws,” she said, gripping her elbows tightly and rocking on her heels a bit as if the swaying motion could help distract her. ”It doesn’t mean I should hate you.” People were riddled with flaws, and she still loved the human race as a whole. Maybe even because of that. Of course Josh had flaws, she knew that. For god’s sake, he had threatened to knife her before. There were things Nell could forgive, and so far the list of things Josh had done were all easily forgiven. But that didn’t mean she could forgive everyone, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn’t forgive her father. And to reassure Josh she wasn’t completely naïve, she wanted to tell him that there was someone in her life she absolutely refused to let off, but that would be much too personal. He knew more than most people about her, though—none of her other friends even knew she had a father, or a family, or a history. She might as well be a ghost to them. It was perhaps the fact that she chose to lay such trust in Josh that made her so adamant against the belief that he could intentionally do something so detesteble she could never forgive him. She’d been through enough that most things were easily brushed off.

She shifted her head back, a bit surprised by that response. ”I have flaws, too.” Her voice was low and she shifted her feet. You’re not trapped Nell, you can walk out anytime you want. Maybe she could even trick her mind. He brought up her mother, and her stomach did a flip just thinking about that, successfully turning it away from the jail cell for a moment. A lot of it had to do with her mother—it was the woman who had made her feel less-than-human her entire life, that beat it into her that she was completely wretched. So Nell had come to blame herself for many things in her life—her sister dying, her father leaving, and especially the death of her mother. She shook her head throughout Josh’s words, because she really wished he didn’t think that highly of her. No, she couldn’t accept it, because she couldn’t find truth in it. No, she wasn’t a good person, she kind of really sucked. It may have been why she was so invested in others—because she saw the good in them more easily than she did in herself. ”Thank you, but…” Nell stopped. But I’m just not worth it. Her lips twitched into a sort of smile as she nodded. ”Stalemate.”

Since Josh chose to study his scarred hand, she found she couldn’t look at him either. Gangs were everywhere in New York, especially The Bronx. Even though she didn’t know a lot about them, she knew enough that it was a terrible lifestyle. A scary lifestyle. Whenever she heard about them now, she realized how stupid she was as a child. Of course she couldn’t know better thanks to the environment she grew up in, but it terrified her thinking of what was out on those streets… Not much worse than what was in that house. So she could only imagine what life had been like for Josh who had been involved with it. Scary people were in gangs, and though Josh was scary at times, she didn’t want to think of him as one of those people. He’d gotten out of it, that’s what mattered. Nell didn’t want to ask any more questions about it, though. She didn’t want to know what he did back then, or what he was like, nothing like that. The past was the past.

She was glad he responded well enough to the hug, that he didn’t lash out or anything. Yes, Nell was aware of his faults, and that included his temper. Sometimes, simple signs of comfort like that were enough, and it seemed that even he knew that. Or at least, that’s what she thought, that everyone liked a hug. ”No problem.” Though she kept up a smile even though her throat hurt whenever she tried to speak, her lips fell into a frown. She didn’t care if he could handle it, she still didn’t want him to be in a place like this for god knows how long. Clearing her throat a bit even though the feeling of it closing up was purely in her mind, she said, ”It’s still very, very bad.” The prospect of jail had been terrifying when she’d just escaped one of her own. And if she went to the pen, there would be no sneakign out when her mother drank herself to sleep or was otherwise preoccupied—she’d be put in a cell just like this for a long time. Nell didn’t even want to think of the death penalty, because something very disturbing came along with that thought—she would prefer death over being imprisoned. It was horrible and chilling and she absolutely refused to think like that, especially not in a place like this.

Nell didn’t really know what to think of the gun but she knew that it would have been used for something like protection. It’s just…too many weapons and violence. She hated violence, and yet it had been the defining trait of her entire life. He doesn’t use it. Nell knew that Josh wasn’t some idol to worship or anything like that, even though she respected and trusted him, so she still had moments like this where she was scared. But then she remembered the people he had to deal with, and it didn’t seem so bad. Still, she wished such things like switchblades and guns didn’t have to exist. If you want to get rid of all the weapons in the world, then get rid of your powers, too. You used them to kill your mother, after all. Her thoughts in such a horrible place were filled with stinging bitterness and not good for her condition at all.

She felt like a fidgeting mouse sitting in that damn cell, and she didn’t want to have the selfish thoughts about how glad she was that Josh was there. It was just mean to think like that, but rather than one of them suffering this alone, she’d rather it be both of them together. At least they could provide some weak sort of comfort. Trying not to let her thoughts crush and consume her, she practically jumped as the cell opened. This was it, she guessed, they were taking them to be interrogated. Or at least she assumed, from those cop shows. But what she didn’t suspect was that they would separate her and Josh for interrogation. Oh crap. If she had Josh there with her, she would probably have felt less afraid, but of course they would want to question the two suspects seperately. Even though it was somewhat nice to be out of the cell, she was absolutely terrified to be placed into another small room where they’d be asking her questions. Questions that she wouldn’t know how to answer. She was innocent of any crimes that night but she was fearful that if she said the wrong thing, they’d realize she’s a matricide and ship her back to America. Please don’t notice the accent.

They asked questions she guessed were normal. Did they know the people at the party, how long were they there. ”You realize your friend was speeding away from the scene of a crime.” She nodded and it took her a moment to even get the words out. ”We really had nothing to do with what happened.” She hoped she sounded as honest as she was being, that know inner guilt shone through that might have made them suspicious. ”Why was he speeding then?” Her answer was almost immediate as she said, ”He really doesn’t like guns. No one does.” But he kept driving, she remembered, even when out of immediate danger. And as she sat there wondering if she had so far said anything that may seem suspicious, she realized something. Josh didn’t stop. Could it be that it wasn’t just because of the gun and the fact that he knew she would be in big trouble if she was arrested? Her eyes darted up. How had she not realized it before? The reason she was so nervous now, the fact that she was a fugitive. Josh had kept driving to keep her away from the police. Jeez, Josh, why do you have to be so darn nice? And stupid. And reckless. Nell took a deep breath, and ran shaky fingers through her hair. If she screwed this up, she would be worse than dead. With the thought, she could tast bile in her throat, and the interrogator asked in a still-professional tone, ”Are you all right?” She nodded, and gave a weak smile. She wondered if the fact she was innocent-looking teenage girl would help. But no, that wouldn’t be possible since she didn’t think she looked at all innocent. She believed she looked like a murderer.

They finished questioning her, mostly about Josh because he was the reason they’d gotten arrested even though she chose not to think of it like that. She was placed back into the cell, and as she hugged herself again, she bit back any weak, little cry that may have come out. Why couldn’t they have a nice, wide-open waiting room, like at a doctor’s office? It wasn’t too long after that Josh was thrown back in, and she came up and searched his eyes. ”Are you okay? What did they ask you? Do you think they’ll let us go?” Her words were desperate, because she knew what the police were doing right now. They were comparing the two’s stories and seeing how they matched up, and they were debating her life. Whether or not she went back to America to go to federal prison would be left up to fate, and she was afraid for what would happen to Josh.

Nell was just about to tear out of her skin when she jumped down Josh’s throat with questions. She wanted to look for a spoon and dig through the wall or something. And she was still hugging hugging herself and still shaking and silently freaking out. ”I’m peachy keen, don’t even worry.” Well, she was a little less-than-peachy keen, but he didn’t need to know that she was silently freaking out because of her clausterphobia. Other than the phobia and the fear about what was going to happen to her and Josh, she could have been considered ‘peachy keen’. Even though her face was set into a concerned frown, he managed to elicit a small half-smile with his alright. It was a stupid question, now that she thought about it, because neither of them were ‘okay’. They were in jail. That was definitely not okay.

Unlike usual, where she would have laughed at his words, she nodded very solemnly, as if believing that they asked about his sock color. She was taking everything seriously right now, because this was a very serious situation. Josh didn’t seem quite as distressed as before, but she still kept her eyes wide and concerned, at this point a bit more worried about him even though she was the one who might be deported by the INS. Wait, that was just in America. She didn’t even know about the immigration services in Canada, unless it would just be Interpol to handle her. Thinking the government like this, how big and intimidating it was, only proved worse for her nerves. Nell shook her head at his question, and bit her lip, considering not telling him the truth so he wouldn’t be worried. But she was a horrid liar—if the interrogators had asked anything about where she was from, she would have been screwed—so she said, ”They mostly asked about you.” Hopefully that wouldn’t freak him out or anything, but that only made sense since he had been the one driving and the one in possession of a weapon. ”Nothing too intrusive.”

Again, Nell nodded. She wanted to be let go. She really wanted to be let go. Practically on the verge of tears now, she kept her jaw firm and stayed mostly silent. Nell hadn’t felt this much intense fear in a while, not since she talked to her father and he said that he was planning things with her aunt. With the danger so up front like this, she didn’t know how to deal with it. Her usual method of getting by was to push issues aside to sort at a later date. But now she had been forced into this situation, forced into a cell, and her mind was scrambling for ways to deal. ”Same,” she replied with a light sigh. Of course they would ask about her since she was with Josh, but there should have been no suspicion on their part. If what Jane said was true, they were keeping everything back in the states on the down low, and her Google searches pretty much proved that. So unless the cops were really into American news, they wouldn’t even know. ”I think I’m safe. If I wasn’t, they would have questioned me longer.” Even if she was in the clear, Josh wasn’t. And he would be the one in jail. Her throat closed up again, and it was getting really hard not to cry.

Right when she thought she was about to break and start scratching at the cell walls, one of the big scary policemen came in to announce their release. There is a god. Nell could have hugged him and squeezed him to death, but she only looked up at Josh with a still-nervous smile. The jitters didn’t go away until they were actually out of the cell. That’s it. She survived. She’d been in jail, and she got out. She wouldn’t be going back to America to face her sentence—probably without her father’s help, if he couldn’t make it in time—and it was a very liberating feeling. Now, she didn’t have anything to worry about, save for her father got wind of this. His parents were there, just as the officer said, and she knew he would be in trouble. She guessed this could be an upside to not having parents—no getting in trouble or grounded, even though her repurcussions for getting arrested could have been worse. And if her father found out, she’d never hear the end of it, but her frustration with him would have been the only thing to worry about. Unless he decided that since she got into trouble like this, she should have to go to trial during the school year. Just pray he doesn’t find out.

Nell felt like an outsider looking in when Donovan took the car keys, and she thought her heart broke a little bit for Josh. No driving the Lambo for a while, it looked like. Surprised to see that Trish didn’t even speak with her own son, the girl shot her a nervous smile as she was addressed. She half-expected some form of scolding, evne though for her entire life and it scared her, considering her mother’s scolding had not been just with words. But Trish apparently didn’t feel it to be her place, and for that Nell was thankful. Nell almost turned down the offer of a ride, but then she thought about the fact that she had only one person she would even ask. She didn’t want to call her father since she had yet to give him her new number—she’d visited him at home, but she’d told him he’d have to earn her number. He had given her an incredulous look for acting like the adult in that situation, but he decided to give her what she wanted. Not wanting anymore fuss, she figured it’d be all right to get a ride from Josh’s parents. “If you'd be nice enough to, ma’am, I'd appreciate a ride.” She was falling back on ‘ma’am’ since Trish didn’t seem right in this situation. It was odd, thinking about how Josh was older and yet she had more freedom than him.